Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 2, Episode 3 - Remember Her Titans - full transcript

Malibu Adjacent, site for this year's
national basketball championship...

for unaccredited colleges.

In just two days it'll be State
University College of Malibu Adjacent...

hosting Long Island College
of Math and Astrology.

Yes, it's S.U.C.M.A.
versus L.I.C.M.A.

Hello, everybody, and welcome.

And with the home team
practicing behind me...

I'm the sports announcer.

Working along side me
today, my partner.

He's a graduate
of S.U.C.M.A.

Meet the color commentator.



Thanks, sports announcer.

I wouldn't be here today...

if it wasn't for my
S.U.C.M.A. edumacation.

Malibu Adjacent is led by point
guard sensation McBeal Ali...

who is a cinch
for the NBA.

Add to that, he has
a very pretty girlfriend...

in lifeguard
Jamaica St. Croix.

And as they say in my hood...

the bitch be money.

See you in two days
for the big game.

Ha ha ha ha ha.
Jerome Curl, what up?

I'll tell you what's up.

Your marker's up $10,000,
that's what's up.

J, I hit a bad streak.
Tell you what.



How about double or nothing
on the Knicks?

20,000 dead presidents?

How do you plan on paying, fool?

The Knicks'll win.
I know they'll win.

All right.

Listen here, punk.

After tonight,
I come collecting.

And I'm not waiting on your
NBA signing bonus, you got it?

- Hey, boo.
- Hey.

Who's that scary dude you with?

Ah, just some homey.
It's all good, though.

Not as good as you, though.

Gang, teens having
sex on the beach...

is out of control.

It's leading
to pregnancy, disease...

and even worse,
cigarette smoking.

But, skip, how do we know...

when teenagers are having sex?

Good question.

Let's have a demonstration. B.J.?

See, gang,
what I'm about to do here is...

Hello, everyone!

I was playing
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall"...

and I didn't trust the answer.

So, how do I look?

You look fine, Mayor.

Fine? I have to be ravishing.

He is coming.

And who is he?

My ex-husband,
and most likely Kody's father.

He's here from London, and...

I think he wants us
back together.

So no more hitting on me?

Darling,
you're not even in his league.

He's the most virile beast
who ever walked the planet.

Hello!

There he is.

Look at me. Standing on the
beach with no pi?a colada.

Tonight's episode:

Caution: Son of the Beach
may cause major swelling.

Oh, Heathrow.
This is SPF 30 headquarters.

Why they painted
those lockers yellow...

- I'll never know.
- I don't know.

I think lots of things
look good in yellow.

Do you know, after all
this walking and talking...

I'm in the mood for a fag.

Hey! There's no smoking
in Malibu Adjacent.

Oh, sorry, officer.

Guess you'll
have to cuff me.

Oh, Heathrow,
you're incorrigible.

By the by, I got a new pair
of cuffs at home.

They're fur-lined.

-Jamaica in the house!
- Hey!

Do my eyes deceive me?

Am I really seeing Jamaica
without McBeal Ali?

- I thought you and McBeal were joined at the groin?
- Ooh!

Tell McBeal he should save his
manly chum for the big game.

The big game...

What is it, Notch?

I get a little sad every time
I hear those four words...

"The big game."

See, last time S.U.C.M.A.
played in the championship...

I was the team captain.

Back then
they called me "Magic."

Magic Johnson?
I've heard of you.

I missed the big game
to go fight in Vietnam...

during Desert Storm.

No big game,
no pro career.

Professional basketball...

I always wanted
to be a cheerleader.

Yo, me too!
Yo, what would that be like?

You girls sure look good
on hardwood.

Remember when you used to dress
me up in those sexy outfits...

The cowboy, the Indian...

the construction worker...

and best of all, the cop?

Make love to me tonight, Heathrow.

Only this time,
I want to face you.

Mmm, you need to get
to the hood more often.

Whoo!

- Hey! You kids,
keep it down out there!

Now, if you will excuse me...

I'm gonna slip into
something a little more...

- comfortable.
- Uh-huh.

Shaq goes to the basket...

and... yes!

The Lakers lead by one.

Sprewell on the line.

- He needs to hit this one...
-Jamaica, move! Look out!

- I'm moving. Can't you see?
There's the shot!

Oh, come on.
Come on. Come on. Come on.

And... yes! The Knicks lose!
- Ohh!

Nuh-uh.

See, if I'm gonna put on
a "ling-a-ree" show for my man...

I best get some action, you heard?

Uh, baby...

you got any money
I can borrow?

- Say what?
- I need money. Now, if you love me...

-you'll give me some.
- McBeal, baby...

I don't know what's
going on with you, but...

- I'm gonna give you everything I got.
- Okay. Go.

- It's close to $160.
- Are you wacked?

Girl, I need 20,000!

- 20...
- Where's my jacket?

- Baby, 20 grand?
- They gonna kill me!

What?
A betting slip?

And then there was
our honeymoon.

Anita, as much as I love...

skipping down
memory lane with you...

there is something
I need to ask you.

Yes. Yes.
A thousand times, yes.

- I'd love to get back together with you.
- No, Anita.

I've come here to ask
if I could bring Kody...

- back to London with me... to live there.
- What?

Well, Heathrow and Anita
sitting in a tree...

Isn't it great to have
the old family together again?

Uh-oh.
Must be the icky time.

Kuhhh.

Jamaica, what is it?
What's wrong?

This is McBeal's betting slip.

He owes some bookie 20 grand!

I think he has a betting problem.

Jamaica, what's he wagering on?

Is it horses, football...

or has he dirtied his hands
with floating craps?

Well, whatever it is,
as God as my witness...

we're gonna stop McBeal
from gambling.

And you can bet on that.

Now. Now.

McBeal's not
the only brother in the ocean.

Besides, all he wants
is your money.

- He's a bum!
- Oh, he ain't no bum!

- Oh!
- Oh!

Oh, my...

- Notch, do something!
- Hey! Hey, you two!

Hey, come on!
Break it up! Break it up.

This isn't the "W.W.F. Smackdown"!

Now I want you two
to kiss and make up.

- I'm sorry.
- Me too.

Ooh.

This McBeal sounds like an addict.

My name is Chip, and I was once
addicted to vitamin supplements.

- You mean steroids.
- They're not steroids!

They're natural,
muscle-building enhancers...

that cause me
short periods of impotence.

Look,
McBeal's an addict.

I mean, we've got to do
an intervention.

My favorite intervention
is the microwave.

Kody, this is
our father-son day.

Together again
my buddy and me

A head full of memories
of kittens and puppies

And cucumber sandwiches
down by the sea

Together again
my buddy and me

Kody, there's something
I need to speak to you about.

Oh, God, is this
the old father-son condom talk?

No, no, no, no, no.

Kody, I want to make up for all
the years I wasn't there for you.

I want you to come
and live with me in London.

London?
As in England?

As in the finest
theater in the world?

Jerome, I will
get you your bread.

I just need more time.

There's no way I can pay...

Hey, what's up, everybody?

McBeal, we need to talk to you.

We think you have
a donkey on your back.

What are you...
What are you talking about?

Baby, we know about
your gambling problem.

Time to testify, my brother.

I thought if I could win
just one more bet...

that I could get out, but I lost!

Now, I owe this mo-fo
a lot of money.

- That scary dude I saw you with?
- Uh-huh.

- He's a bad mother named Jerome Curl.
-Jerry Curl?

Sounds like an oily fellow.

Let's pay a visit
to this Jerry Curl...

and straighten him out.

See, Mother, all my life...

- I wanted a father figure to look up to.
- But what about me?

No, I wanted someone
to dish with, man-to-man.

Someone who would
stroke my head...

and tie me up
when I'm naughty.

Like mother, like son.

So... I've decided
to go to London...

and live with father.

Mother, are you
all right with that?

Kody, I couldn't
be happier for you.

Oh, thank you,
Mommy dearest.

What's up, man?

Whoo!

O-o-oh. No. No.
Okay, maybe just one.

Hey, baby, come on.
Come on.

Mixmaster, kick it!

Look who's coming back
back on the attack

Let's see who's the player, Jack

Or who's just talking trash

Gonna slam dunk it
Throw it in the bucket

Turn this thing around
and then I'll introduce myself

Slam dunk it
Throw it in the bucket

Well, well, well.
Notch Johnson's in the house.

Jerome Curl,
a pleasure to meet a man...

with such respect in...
da community.

- Props back at you.
- Gesundheit.

But I have a flavor to ask you,
and if you grant me this flavor...

then other men of respect
would owe you a flavor.

- You mean "favor."
- Word.

Certain judges, D.A.
and the po-lice might go easy on you.

Hmm, that's chill.
All right, what's the 411?

Let McBeal out of his debt.

Forget the 20,000 dead congressmen
and give the kid a chance.

- He deserves a break.
- Bro, please. I tell you what.

You send McBeal over here...

and I'll tell him
the good news myself.

Thank you.
Shalom and shaleichem.

It's all done. You're even.

He just wants a moment with you.

- Thanks, Notch. You da man.
- Notch, you are the man!

No problem, bloods.
I'm outie.

- Aah!
- Whoo!

Jerome! Thanks, man.
Notch gave me the news.

Yeah. Well, here's a news flash.

- Ahh!
- I changed my mind.

Now, it's 25,000 today.

5,000 more
since yesterday, punk.

That's called in-ter-est.

Of course, there is a way
for you to get even.

You make sure S.U.C.M.A.
loses that game tomorrow.

- Say, no way I'm throwing the game tomorrow, man.
-Just miss a few shots...

- then you'll be debt-free.
- You heard my man.

He ain't gonna do it.

- Shut up, hood rat.
-Jamaica!

Well, Notch did say
to give you a break.

- Wait a minute, man. We can talk about this.
- And here it is.

One way or another, S.U.C.M.A.
's losing that game tomorrow.

- Aah!
Oh, my God!

And then, after you left, Jerome
Curl broke his leg with a blackjack.

Jamaica, I believe
it's African-Americanjack.

So there's no way
McBeal can play.

And there's no way
S.U.C.M.A. can win.

That's bull poopie.

The State University College at Malibu
Adjacent will not lose the big game.

Now, huddle up, gang.

It's time to dig out
the old Notch Johnson playbook.

Well, this is it, Mother.
I'm off to London.

- Dad wants to show me his West End.
- Where did I go wrong?

Oh, Mother.

Don't feel bad, Anita.
You did a wonderful job with our son.

Be proud.

- Bye, Mum.
- Bye.

Welcome, everyone,
to the exciting championship game.

I'm the sports announcer
alongside the color commentator.

Sidekick, does it get
any more exciting...

than unaccredited
college basketball?

I haven't been this pumped
since I got my degree...

in air condition and
refrigeration repair.

- Double major.
- Impressive.

Speaking of impressive,
check out the school mascots.

It's the S.U.C.M.A. Cock!

And from the Long Island College
of Math and Astrology...

the L.I.C.M.A. Beaver!

But the big news
is S.U.C.M.A. 's star player...

McBeal Ali will not be
in the game today.

Chip, you are
a German tourist...

and your job is to place a bet
with Jerome for S.U.C.M.A. to win.

And I'm Chip's German wife.
Listen. I've been practicing.

Ja, ja, ja.

As always, there's a lot of friction...

between the Cock and the Beaver,
but what's new?

These two have been
going at it for years.

Excuse me, can my wife
take a picture of you and I?

See, we're from Germany...

and we've never seen
a black person before.

- Charming.
- Yeah.

What the hell
you doing here?

We're on our way to Las Vegas
to make some bets...

but our plane was delayed.

- Isn't that right, liebchen?
- Ja, ja, ja.

See?
We have lots of money.

- And we love to gamble.
- Well, uh, you want to bet on S.U.C.M.A...

I think I can
cover your action.

But we have to see
your money first.

Yeah.
Bring my money, all of it.

I thought we'd take
a stroll down Carnaby St.

There's some lovely...

Oh, fudge! It's time
for Mother's medication.

- Her medication?
- Mother's on a strict regimen...

of Prozac and rubbing alcohol.

If I don't remind her,
she always forgets.

Here's my money.
Do we have a bet?

$100,000 on S.U.C.M.A. to win.

There's the whistle...

and the Cocks tip off
against the Beavers.

- And the Beavers
score immediately!

This could be
a long day for S.U.C.M.A.

Well, S.U.C.M.A. 's losing badly...

but what did you expect
without McBeal Ali?

Like taking money
from a smack junkie.

Kimberlee, now, I thought the
chief had a plan. What's the deal?

Well, whatever he's got up his
sleeve, he better do it quickly.

Only a miracle could save
this S.U.C.M.A. team now.

- Well, I think that miracle
may have just happened.

Ladies and gentlemen, Notch Johnson
is rejoining his old team!

- Notch Johnson, Ja, ja, ja. Whoo!
- Yeah! Yeah!

Apparently Notch is still eligible...

because he never
graduated from S.U.C.M.A.

It says right here he went
to fight in Vietnam during...

- Desert Storm?
- Well, let's see if Notch still got game.

Look who's coming back
Back on the attack

Let's see who's a player, Jack
and who's just talkin' trash

I'm gonna slam dunk it
Throw it in the bucket

And-And every day at 4:00
mother and I have tea...

and the tea stains our teeth.

And we laugh
and we laugh and...

Oh, no!

No! Stop the car!

Ho-ho! Notch Johnson is on fire!

Oh, ladies and gentlemen,
that's incredible.

Outstanding!

Amazing!

Notch Johnson is unstoppable!

Again!

And again.

Well, the Cocks have the ball
down by one.

One second left.
S.U.C.M.A. has to score...

and their only hope is
Notch "Magic"Johnson.

But wait, Notch is going to
take the ball out of bounds...

effectively taking himself
out of the play.

- Well, whatever he's thinking,
we're about to find out.

It's good! Yes! Yes!

I don't believe it!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Notch Johnson has done it again...

and S.U.C.M.A. has won
the championship!

- Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
- Come on. Let's go.

Not so fast.
Some people want to see you.

- You're under arrest, Curl.
- I'll be back, bigger and better.

He's 6-11.
How can he get much bigger?

Ha ha ha!

Yeah! Yeah!

- Mmm.
- Mm-mmm.

So I will see you
when you get out of rehab.

Rehab? I thought
you quit gambling?

Oh, I did, but because of my broken
leg, I got addicted to Percodan.

Well, at least you're
not gambling anymore.

Darling!

- You came back!
- Oh, I missed you!

- Ooh!
- Watch this, darling.

Just like old times.

Oh, hi, teens.
Notch Johnson here.

Tonight's show is
about point shaving...

but speaking of shaving...

I've noticed lately
a lot of women...

aren't grooming
themselves properly.

They look as though
the group ZZ Top...

is peeking out from
their bathing suits.

Well, that's why the folks
at Notch Johnson Laboratories...

have come up with a new
hair-removal device.

It's called
the Ladybird Johnson.

Just attach it
to your vacuum cleaner...

and suck those hairs away.

Watch.

Aah! Ohh! Shut it off.
Shut it off now!

Until next time, this is Notch
Johnson saying ride the big one.

- Turn it off.
- Cucumber sandwiches down by the sea

Together again
my buddy and me