Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 2, Episode 2 - From Russia, with Johnson - full transcript

this is General Sukitov.

Yes, General?

Sailors Sergei and Federov here.

Your orders are as follows.

Proceed immediately
to coordinates K-Y.


But General, this would place us

right off the coast
of Malibu Adjacent.

Well into American waters!

I have given you K-Y.

Now I want deep penetration.

Soon, comrade, the Chernobyl
will fire upon an American ship.

I will reignite the Cold War.

When I am finished,
the name Chernobyl

will be synonymous with disaster.

Who could possibly stop me now?

Aah. Mmm.

Hi, Notch.
What are you doing?

I'm waxing my woody. Ah.

Tonight's episode...

Son Of The Beach...

should be stored
in a cool, dry place.

Hey, guys. What's goin' on?

I'm polishing Notch's knob.

He brought his woody in
for Hobby Day.

Uh, Hobby Day?

You've never heard of Hobby Day?

Hobby Day is
the bestest day of the year.

It's like Christmas and Yom Kippur

wrapped into one.

My hobby is cooking.
I don't wanna brag,

but I'm a real "gour-met."

My hobby is teaching Ebonics
to overprivileged rich kids.

Ev'body, say whassup
to Thurston Banks Hewitt III.


Good afternoon.
It's a pleasure

to make your acquaintances,
I'm sure.


I'm sorry. I meant, yo, yo, yo.
Whassup, D-money?

My hobby is collecting shells
on the beach.

Here is a clam shell,
here is an oyster shell,

and here is a shell from
an 80 millimeter Panzer tank.


Put it to your ear.

You can hear the fall of Paris.

I think we should go back.

If American radar detects us...

we could be blown out.

We have our orders.

Let go, damn it.

You're out of control.

Watch out!

Oh, my God.

This is the most beautiful shell
I've ever seen.


Who are you?

I am a mermaid.
My name is Areola.

Areola. I love the way
it feels on my tongue.

How did you get here?

You made me come when
you put your lips on my conch.

Wow, something sure smells great.

Yeah, it's B.J.'s famous
hot dog and meatball recipe.

I call it "franks and balls."

The trick is is to remember

it's not just about the franks.

You have to spend equal time
on the balls.

What's that?

That's the sonar station alarm.

Somethin' must be goin' down.

It sounds like someone's banging.

Someone's sending a message.

Yo, I speak tap.
Don't even trip.

Let me have a go at it.


Yo, some folks in trouble for real.

They straight at the bottom
of the ocean.

Lord have mercy.
It's a Russian submarine.


Gentlemen, this is
by no means a safe mission.

In fact, it is quite dangerous.
Some of us...

Not so fast, Johnson.

I'd like you to meet...

General Dmitri Sukitov.

Born 1939 to Boris
and Natasha Sukitov.

Two years later, you joined
the Communist Party.

At the age of 20,
you enlisted in the KGB,

and for a brief time

you dated Rudolf Nureyev.

You know a lot
about Russian history.

I had to learn it
when I fought for a country

that I like to call Afghanistan.

That is old news.
The wall has fallen.

Russia is now
as honest and respected

as your ex-president Clinton.

Speaking of which, young lady...

- are you what is referred to as an intern?
- Yo.

Don't be dissin' her.
She got a name.

A respectable name.

B.J. Cummings.



The general has asked

that the Russians
handle this rescue attempt

without American help, Johnson.

It's just a small fishing submarine
that ran out of gas.

No need for you to bother with it.


if we wait for Russian divers

and equipment to get here,

it could take weeks.

We have to release
the seamen now.

It's OK. The sailors can survive
for months down there.

They got lettuce, tomatoes, mayo...

everything you could want on a sub.

You listen to me, comrade,

I think you're full of Bolshevik,

and I'm not gonna allow you
to turn our American dream

into some pinko nightmare.


Communism is a contagious disease

that infects America from within,

much like a polyp
that's found on your colon.


Better dead than red, I say.

Johnson, you're acting
like a lunatic.

Boys, take him away.

Fine, fine, fine.
You take me away,

but I'm on to you, Sukitov.

I know why you're here.

You're a communist,

and you only want
to do one thing...

Destroy the land that I love.

Dang, this scene be wham!

Whack, Baby T.

The scene be whack.

That commie bastard

he's gonna let those
poor sailors die

20,000 Leagues Under The Sea.

Notch, how many men does it take

to sail one of these subs?

Ok, Kimberlee, I'll play along.

I don't know.
How many men does it take

to sail one of these subs?

No, Notch. I'm sayin'

we have to do something
to save them.

That's the punchline?
I don't get it.

That general has to be
hiding something,

or he'd let us save his crew.

So what is he hiding?

I think I know
a way we can find out.

If there's one thing
that commies can't resist,

it's whores...
Dirty, filthy whores.

B.J., that Sukitov
seemed to like you.

Uh, N-Notch. I don't think

this is a good idea.

Hold on, Kimberlee,
it's not what you think.

B.J., I want you
to seduce Sukitov.

Get all the information
out of him you can.

T-This is exactly
what I was thinking.

Glad to have you on board.

So, B.J.?
Can I count on you?

I only have two questions. When?

And what does "seduce" mean?

Just use your head, B.J.
Just use your head.


Come with me under the water.

I want to show you my world.

But how will I breathe?

We have to put
our mouths together, like this.

Can you see my mind?

Do you know
what it is you're doing to me?

Look at me, shivering

like a little girl, quivering.

Oh, look at the spuds on her.

Who is it?

B.J. Cummings.
To what do I owe this honor?

I'm here to seduce you,
whatever that means.

Wow. Seduced by a hot, young,
American intern type.

What would that be like?

I want you to tell me
what's going to happen

to those sailors
on the submarine.

I cannot tell you that.

Oh, I think you can.


You're a bad, bad boy.


Ah. I am a bad boy.
I am so naughty.

Now give me what I want.


I cannot.


Give it to me.

OK. The sailors

will run out of air within hours.

That way, they can never tell

of my evil plan to attack America

and restart the cold war.

I deserve to be punished.

And now, Areola, I want
to show you my world.

But wait.

There's something
that you should know.

Once I leave the water,
I can't ever return...

and if I do, I have
to stay there forever.

Then don't ever return
to the sea.

A ring?

It was my grandfather's.

He collected jewelry
during the war.

It's beautiful.

It's nothing.

You should have seen
his art collection.

Marry me, Areola.

Yes, Chip.

The answer is yes.

I love you.
I love everything about you.

Have you ever considered
wearing your hair up?

Notch! Notch!

What's the matter, B.J.?

It's the sailors. I found out
they have no air supply.

No Air Supply?

I can't go a day
without Air Supply.

"You're Every Woman In The
World To Me'; "All Out Of Love".

Air Supply rocks.

No, Notch.
She means oxygen.

Sukitov's gonna let them die

just to cover up some cold sore.

You mean, "Cold War"?

Yeah, that's what he said.

I'm not gonna let that happen.

Those sailors may be communists,

but they may also be human beings

with wives or girlfriends

or long-time
homosexual companions.

What are you gonna do, Notch?

I'm gonna go save some lives.

God bless America.

Notch, don't you need scuba gear?

Let's go, let's go.
I need those tanks yesterday!

But Notch, I didn't even
hear about it until today.

Notch, please don't go.
It's a mile underwater.

At least let me check the tanks.

This is no time for safety.
Let's move out.

Here they come.

Hey, everyone,

meet the love of my life, Areola.

We ain't got no time, man.
We gotta roll.

Infidels. I will take my re-wenge
by killing them all.

Well, gang, this is it.

If I don't make it back,
would somebody please...

feed my fish?

Where the hell
is Notch Johnson?

He left to save those sailors.

Yeah, Sukitov was gonna
let them sailors

run outta air supply, yo.

What are you talking about?

Go ahead, seduce him yourself.
He'll tell you.

He's deliberately letting
those sailors suffocate

so that they won't reveal his plan
to restart the Cold War.

You have to arrest him.

I hate when Johnson's right.

Just a couple
more launch codes

and arrivederci,
Southern California.

Glasnost, boys.
It's your lucky day.

World-famous lifeguard
Notch Johnson?

What are you doing here?

I'm... here... to... save... you.

We speak English.

Yes... but with an... accent.

Now here, use these tanks.

There's enough air
to get you to the surface.

You're in big trouble, Sukitov.

You are too late.

I have set off a nuclear de-wice

on the Chernobyl.

In five minutes, all of Malibu Adjacent
will be "waporized."

Not "waporized!"

You're goin' to America, comrades.

Home of toilet paper, blue jeans,

and unregulated access to firearms.

Notch, you have to get outta there.

Sukitov set off a nuclear device.

I know, I know.
I'm gonna stay and disarm it.

But if you stay much longer,

you won't have enough air
to make it back to the surface.

But I'm a lifeguard.
I've gotta save the world.

I'm opening the device.

There are two wires.
One brown, one red.

Damn it.
Now, I've gotta cut one.

It's my fault. He ate too many
franks and balls.

One's a live wire
and one's a dummy.

If he cuts the wrong one,

the whole thing'll blow.


My father's a defense contractor.

Naw, son. Your father be's
a defense contractor.

Red, brown. Brown, red.

Which one do I cut?

Notch, there's only
10 seconds left.

Well, better dead than red.

I cut the brown!
The bomb's been disabled!

Oh, my God.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna die alone...

20,000 leagues under the sea!


- No!
- Oh, my God.

What's so funny?

Girl, the lack of oxygen's

makin' dude
insane in the brain.

Notch is gonna die.
What are we gonna do?

I feel so helpless. I would
give up anything to save him.

I can't believe this is happening.

I need to be held. Areola!

Where did she go?

And then there was the time
I put on B.J.'S panties.

That feeling of silk awoke
something deep inside me...

something I never...

I never...

Notch! Notch!

No. No!

Don't worry, Kimberlee.

He must've been dreamin',

'cause I don't wear panties.


He's been down there too long.

Not so fast.

Check it out! It's Notch!



Notch, how'd you do it?

My girlfriend must have saved him.

It's true, gang. Sucking on
Chip's Areola saved my life.

Hey, where is she?

She's gone, Chief.

It's a mermaid thing.
You wouldn't understand.

I call this
"B.J.'S in-your-face tuna."

I used canned tuna,
mayonnaise, and miracle whip.


Hey, no fishy smell.

I'm not hungry.
I miss my Areola.

Chip, you gotta eat.

I'm worried.
You're down to 6 chickens a day.


If you say so, Chief.


What's that?

It's the ring I gave Areola.

Oh, my God.

That means, uh...

Oh, my God.

Ugh. Ugh.

Well, honey,
she might be gone, but...

at least you can say
you got her in the can.

Oh, hi, teens.
Notch Johnson here.

Needless to say, tonight's show
is about cold sores,

otherwise known
as yucky face herpes.

Now, a lot of people think

cold sores can be passed

through any type of contact,
such as kissing.

Well, that's simply not true.

Allow me to demonstrate.

Teens, I want you
to meet Michelle.

Now, Michelle
is currently suffering

from a minor inflammation...

But that's not gonna stop me

from providing her
with some deep,

open-mouthed kissing.

You see? I'm perfectly fine.

So, until next time, this is
Notch Johnson saying...

ride the big one.