Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 2, Episode 15 - Booger Nights - full transcript

Ok, bachelor party, let's
gather up!

Today we single guys
say good-bye

to our good friend Gil Scott.

Attaboy, Gil.

Now, a lot of you don't know Gil

because he stands
in the background

and never says anything.

So, Gil, why the heck
are you getting married?

Who cares?!

Let's get this
big-ass party started!

It's after 3:00
in the afternoon.

I should be asleep
in the hot sun.

Let's get to the x-rated stuff.

Sex. Sex. Sex.

Sex! Sex! Sex!

Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa.

Guys, sex at a bachelor party?

That's not my cup of smoothie.

I thought what we could do is...

Bob for apples.

But, chief,
we're thinking about, uh...

This. I found it in a dumpster.

It's porno, baby,
hard-core porno.

Porno! Porno! Porno!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Why would you want to watch that
when you can do this?

Porno! Porno!


Wow, Susan. That last thong
looked really hot on you.

I know, but I'm having trouble

fastening this
strapless push-up bra.

Well, come out. I can help you.

Ok. Here I come.


I can't believe
I let it drop like that.

That girl is smoking.

That girl is unbelievable.

That girl is my sister!

Tonight's episode...

Tonight's episode
of Son of the Beach

was dictated but not read.

SPF-30. SPF-30!

This is Notch Johnson

issuing a code pink.

That means drop what
you're doing immediately

and report to base.

Something dirty has happened.

My own sister, Notch,
my own flesh and blood.

Now the whole world
will see her breasts

on a farfegnugen.

Is there an emergency?

What's going on?

I was on my way to a Laker game.

Yo, what up, boss?

I've been moonlighting
at burger queen.

I was in the middle
of taking a big shift.

We got a whopper
of a problem, Jamaica.

I need you all.

Have it your way.

See, we're having
a bachelor party.

A bachelor party?

I always wanted
to pop out of a cake

at a bachelor party.

Word. What would that be like?

As I was saying...

We were in the middle
of a bachelor party,

and as much as I discouraged it,

the others wanted
to watch... Pornography.

But guys watch those
movies all the time

at bachelor parties.
What happened?

I'll tell you what happened.

My sister was
the star of the film.

Yo, chief, I think we
should peep this thing.

Yeah, Notch. Let's watch
this porno-ography

and see if it leaves a
bad taste in my mouth.

Ok. Step into the media room.

Gang, the disgusting
film you're about to see

is called desperately
licking Susan.


As a sales girl,

I can say you have
a really hot body.

Want to see mine?

Wow, you're incredible.

I have a feeling
we could be good friends.

Well, let me show you

how we can be
really good friends.

Stop! Stop! It's my sister!

Eva Rommel was
forced into this film

by a lone gunman.

What makes you think that?

I ran the film through my
computer and it got larger.

The film, that is. Ha ha.

Let's screen it now
in Milosevision.

Patent pending.

Well, do you want me to show you

how we can be
really good friends?

Do it, bitch.

Stop it! Stop it right there!

Do you see it?
Do you see the gun?

It's back and to the left.
Back and to the left.

Chip, do you have any idea
who might be holding the gun?

I don't know!

Eva wanted to be an actress,

so she answered an ad
in the paper.

That was the last time
I saw her.

What do I tell our parents?

You tell them everything's
gonna be just wunderbar.

Notch Johnson is gonna
get to the bottom...

Of your sister.

None of your male
escorts are available?

Not even the midget?

Well, that's the last time
we're using their service.

Mother, what do you need
a male prostitute for?

Kody, have I ever talked to you

about the governor's balls?

Eww! He's so old!

I'm talking about
the governor's lavish galas.

I'm invited.

Mmm. How divine, miss M.

It's the perfect opportunity.

The governor is looking for a
new education commissioner.

Well, why do you need a date?
Can't you just fly solo?

I have to appear successful
and respectable, not...

Desperate and horny? Right.

Kody, that job could
take me to Sacramento

and off this landfill.

I bet chappy's calendar is open.

Kody, you are brilliant!

Mother, have you
skipped your medication?

I was joshing.

Hello, chappy.

How's my favorite
aimless drifter today?

Is this going somewhere?

Chappy, how would you
like to make $100?

$100? Cash like that,
I could retire.

Hold on. What do I have to do?

First, you need a bath.

I knew there'd be a catch.

Sorry, sister. No can do.

Make it 200.

Break out the Mr. Bubble.

Well, if it isn't Notch Johnson

and Kimberlee Clark.

Hey, Ellen.

Wow. Looks like business
is doing great.

What can I say? My customers
love to eat out.

Hey, Ellen, I know with you,

I don't have to beat
around the bush.

Guilty as charged.

You've seen x-rated
lesbian films, haven't you?


How 'bout this one?

Desperately licking Susan.

Sounds tasty.

Hey, I see Lenny and Etheridge

gave it 2 tongues up.

Oh, my god.

Well, what is it, Ellen?

The person
who made this film is bad.

He destroyed a lover of mine...

A beautiful,
young slice of tenderloin

who wanted to be an actress.

Just like Eva.

We met at the pet shop.

She was getting
her schnauzer trimmed.

Good grooming is important.

Anyway, he used her
in one of his films.

Got her hooked on dope,

beat her, tortured her,
then tossed her away

like an old pair of doc martens.

This creep's got my dandruff up.

What's his name?

Well, he goes by the name
of F. Jackie Abraham,

but, uh, you might know him
as Vinnie fellatio.

Vinnie fellatio.

Ha ha ha.

Isn't that the mob boss

I put away for life
3 months ago?

How could he be out already?

It's California, headlights.

What are we gonna do, Notch?

I know a way I can get fellatio.

Notch, are you sure
this is gonna work?

Fellatio knows
what you look like.

Yeah, but he's
never seen me like this.

From now on, call me porn star

Johnny come lately.

Oh, my god.

Son of the Beach will
return after these messages.

You're incredible!

I have a feeling
we could be good friends.

Those people are
really good actors.

I need to watch it again.

But, man, we've
seen the thing 7 times.

I've run out of things
to yell at the screen.

Wow, Chip.

Isn't it weird seeing
your sister naked?

Last time I saw her naked,
we were children in a bathtub.

Since then, she's
had breast reduction.

Hey, you guys, I found
the ad that Eva answered.

"Want to be a superstar?
No experience necessary.

"If you can handle big parts

or different positions,
call FJA Productions."

Then it gives the address.

We are going down on fellatio!

Except this time, it's personal.

Presenting the man
of your dreams.


My god, chappy!

Take away the grime,
the whiskers, the scabs,

the puss, the flies,
the stench of human waste,

and you're almost handsome.

Hey, mister, you
got any spare change?

Chappy, that's you.


What did you do?

I've got some other trés
fantabulous ensembles to try on.

No, you don't.


Ok, if B.J. and I aren't back

in a half an hour, you guys...

Break down the door

and kick some
pornographic bootie.

Ok, let's move out.

What do you want?!

Uh, we're here to be superstars.

My name is Johnny come lately.

And I'm the actress
Sandra buttocks.

Come on in.
Behind the green door.

Look at the smut
fellatio turns out,

each one more disgusting
than the other.


And the most repulsive
film ever made...


How ya doin', guys?

Oh, I can see already.
You two are standouts.

F. Jack Abraham.

It is a pleasure
to finally meet you.

Here is my head shot,

and here is
a picture of my face.

We are here to be
in porno-ographic films

like desperately licking Susan.

I would love to meet Eva Rommel.

Eva Rommel? You know the bitch?

Uh, no. We just admire
her body of work.

So what makes you
think you can act?

I've been told I have
thespian tendencies.

And as you can see,

I come with a great package.

Mama Mia, with
a pepperoni like that,

you can make some nice cash.

You think so?

Oh, definitely, definitely,

but I don't like the name
Johnny come lately.

I think you should change it.

We can make a hell of a killin'

if you call yourself...

Notch Johnson! Ha ha ha ha!

Jamaica feels your pain

you'll get yours, fellatio.

Damn straight I will,

and I'll make millions.

I can see the poster now...

World's greatest
lifeguard Notch Johnson

lets it all hang out.
Ha ha ha ha!

Take Ms. Buttocks
to her dressing room.

No, Notch, no. Notch.


Wardrobe, put Mr. Johnson
in some nice shiny chains.

We're gonna make him
a big star. A big star!

Fellatio, it's people like you who
give pornography a bad name.

At least tell me
the title of this movie.

It's a love story.

Boy meets boy.

Boy loses boy.

Boy gets boy in the end.

It's called sinless fist.

Oh! Ah! Oh!


Eva! Are you ok?

I'm ok, but why are you here?

I'm coming to rescue you.

How do you get
into such tight spots?

I was answering an ad
to become a big star,

and the next thing
I knew they drugged me

and I was making a dirty movie,

like I was some kind
of Swedish meatball.

I wish there was something
I could do to comfort you.

Maybe if we just hug some more.



Mr. and Mrs. Richard white.

Dr. and Mrs. Kareem a-wheat.

Mayor Anita Massengil

and Mr. Warren
"Chappy" Littlefield.

Quiet on the set.
Quiet on the set.

Here's the setup.

Notch is in prison,

and he's about
to get a real taste

of the penal system.

And... action.

Hey, rookie. How we doin' today?

First time in the joint, kid?

Come on, man, give me a break.

Oh, of course, I will.

We're gonna play a little game.

It's called house.

Now do you wanna be the husband,

or do you wanna be the wife?

Uh, the husband?

Good answer!

All you've got to do
is turn around

and suck your wife's...

Johnson! You can't have a
better friend than Notch Johnson.

It's been a half hour.

Notch said to go in now.

Yeah, baby. Let's
break down the door

and go Compton on 'em! Come on!

Grr. Yeah!

You're so upset, Eva.

I'm not doing enough
to comfort you.

Maybe you're right, B.J.

What if we sat in the
chair with you in my lap?


Well, hello.

Anita, so glad
you could make it.

Are you kidding? I'd be nuts

to miss your balls.

And who's this?

Meet chappy Littlefield.

Pleased to meet you
Mr. Littlefield.

Just call me Chappy.

Nice pad, Maxie.



You have a big hole
I'd like to fill.

Come again?

For education commissioner.

Oh. I'm perfect.

You see, when it
comes to education,

I'm for it.

Mayor Massengil, I
appreciate your enthusiasm,

but running the schools
is no piece of cake.

You know, maxie, I always
say from my experience

that the only thing
that's a piece of cake

is a piece of cake.

Yes, well...

No, there's a certain simplicity

to what chappy just said.

People in the capital
are always, uh,

feeding me garbage.

I only dream of having
people feed me garbage.

I have to go into that
dumpster every morning...

The governor doesn't
want to hear...

Quiet, Aretha.

A dumpster is
the perfect metaphor

for the sorry
state of education.

Go on, chappy.

Well, you see, some
people look at a dumpster

and see it half empty.

I look at a dumpster
and see it half not empty.

Excellent point. Please, go on.

Well, first of all,

You gotta get up in the morning,

and sometimes
it's dark in there,

and you gotta
pound in your fist...

Now this is the big
cavity search scene.

This is your prison guard,

and he's really gonna
stretch you as an actor.

You get it?

Heh, well, you're going to.

You get that?!

Well, you're goin' to. Ha ha ha!

It's not working.

I'm still upset.

Maybe if you faced me and
we stroked each other's hair.


Go! Go! Go!

So, a classroom should
be like a newspaper

is to a undershirt?


Oh, I like the way
you think, chappy.

Surely this is the third sign

of the impending apocalypse.

I mean, where do you come
up with these marvelous ideas?

From the voices inside my head.

I wish more of us would
listen to our inner voices.

Chappy, how would you like

to be my education commissioner?


Your motivation is that Johnson

has been hiding a file

somewhere where
the sun don't shine,

and your objective is to
defile him. Ha ha ha ha!

Now give it to him!

Not so fast, pervert.

Yeah, no one comes knocking

on Notch Johnson's back door.

Nobody occupies
my sister's territory.

Ha ha ha!

Get 'em! Kill em!

But keep filmin'!

Ha ha! You ok, chief?

Thanks, Chip.

Forgive my Greek,

but you really saved my ass.

Now go find B.J. And Eva.

Got it!


Arresting you is gonna
be a real kick in the...

Uhh! Oh!



Get your hands off me, bitch!


Uhh. Oh.

What if you sit and
I stand facing you?


Aah! Aah!

Eva! B.J.! I'm bustin' you out.

Ohh! Ohh!

Let's go.


How those braces feel, boys?

You're makin' a big mistake.

I know people in New Jersey.

Nobody's listening.
You're done, fellatio.

You're goin' back to jail,
you big pussy.

No, no, I can't take another
3 months in the can. I'll rot.

Hey, don't worry.

This time you'll
have some company.

Hey, you wanna be the husband,

or you wanna be the wife?

Just not in the face, huh?

I've fallen, and I can't get up.

Mother, are you still upset

that chappy got
the commissioner's job?

No, dear. I take
comfort in the fact

that governor Thomas
had to resign in disgrace

because he appointed chappy.

So what does a disgraced
ex-governor do with himself?


Oh, hi, teens.
Notch Johnson here.

Tonight's show is about the
greatest invention known to mankind.

No, it's not the thong

or the push-up bra

or the crotchless panty.

No, I'm talkin'
about the dumpster.

A dumpster can
be a treasure chest

of pre-owned goodies.

Just look at some of the things

people throw away.

Why, look.

Here's a vomit-encrusted hat.

Nothing a little martinizing

won't take care of.

Don't tell me I
don't look sharp.

And here's some partially

shredded documents

from something called

"the white water land
development corporation."

So for now, this is...

Why, look.

Why, it's a baby,

a perfectly good baby.

Hello, little fella.
Ha ha ha ha.

What a welcome addition
to any family.

So for now,
this is Notch Johnson

saying ride the big one.