Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 2, Episode 14 - Area 69 - full transcript

Wow, I really had a
great time this afternoon.

I hope we can do it again.

Who says it has to end?

Mmm... mmm...


Wow. That was incredible.

You have allergies, don't you?

Specifically to...

Spores and dust?

How'd you know that?

I did a little digging.


Sorry it didn't work out.

That was great, sweetheart.

The only thing
missing was, um...

Oh, let's see...


Mayor, we're here
with our contribution

to this year's talent show.

So this is what I'm down to.

Hey. Chip had a big
hit record in Germany.

Yeah. Send in the colons.

And don't forget
the comedy stylings

of professor Duke
"slappy" Milosevic.

You've heard of Deadpan Comics.

I'm a bedpan comic.

Ha ha ha haaaa.

Well, he can't be any worse

than that guy who
shot rodents out his ass.

I also do impressions.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the Titanic.

A little help here...

Tonight's episode...

Consult your physician

before viewing Son of the Beach.

Excuse me. Do you happen
to know what time it is?

No, but I have a watch.

Wow. Did anyone ever tell you

that you were beautiful?

Just my uncle/brother.

Well, I'm with him.
You're gorgeous.

My girlfriend asked me
to kiss her where it smells.

So I took her to New Jersey.

Ha ha ha.

Hey, professor,

your jokes are as lame
as your limbs.

Obviously, steroids did
not make your brain bigger.


At least I don't have to poo-poo

into a diaper.


What? How did we
get crappy ratings

with a show called
Masturbation Island?

All right, look. We're gonna
have to put something in its place.

We need something...
something new, something fresh...

Wait a minute.

All right, Sanders. Sanders,
I'm gonna call you back.

I know we just met
like 6 minutes ago,

but I feel like I've
known you my whole life.

I'm sorry. Can you
tell me your name again?

Sure, I love giving it. B.J.

Uhh! Wow.

I've never had anything that big

in my mouth before.

B.J., I have
some good news for you.

You're perfect, and...

Your colon is completely clean.

Thanks. I try to keep it fresh.


You should at least lie
and say you'll call!

The dummy will now talk

while I drink
this glass of water.

You said the dummy will talk.

Go ahead. I'm waiting.

Ha ha haa.

You guys, we got
to get back to work.

Ho ho ho! Hey, there.
How you doing, huh?

I'm Larry big
from the television network.

You guys are just...
You're hysterical.

And that's coming from the man

that discovered judge Judy.

Thank you, Herr big.

If you guys were on television,

you could be making millions.

Girlfriend, what's wrong?

I'm late.

No, B.J. If anything
at all, you're early.

No. I'm late.

You know. My girlie time.

Oh, you mean
your menstrual cycle.

Kimberlee, you said
the "M" word.

You know how I feel
about that kind of talk.

It's a red flag.

And all I can think about

is pickles and ice cream.

Wow. Pickles and ice cream?

Mmm. What would that be like?

Mmm. I love chugging pickles.

Girlfriend, from
what you're telling us,

I think you might be pregnant.

I can't be. I've never
let a single love pony

into my baby barn.

Well, yeah, I mean,
if you're a virgin,

you can't be pregnant.

It's true, daddy. I am pregnant!

But I swear I'm still a virgin.

You believe me,
don't you, Notch?

Notch, are you ok?

I'm sorry. I was just
thinking about snatch.

I... I beg your pardon?

My sister, snatch Johnson.

She once claimed
to be a pregnant virgin.

Soon after, she disappeared.

And I haven't seen
a hair of snatch since.

What are we gonna do, Notch?

I'm a-scared.

I'll tell you
what we're gonna do.

Jamaica is gonna give
B.J. a vagiological exam.

Oh, no.

Notch, no. I don't think
Jamaica's qualified for that.

Well, she isn't,

but our HMO insists we
try everything at home first.

Good idea. Why don't
we just give her

a home pregnancy test?

I can't believe
I'm really pregnant.

And this is only after 2 hours.


How's this for baby names?

If it's a boy,
Lamont or Lavoris.

If it's a girl...


Oh, my god!

It's a spaceship!




Oh, my god.

Oh, the spacemen,
they took her away.

They're coming to get us!

They're coming to get us!

Jamaica, what's going on?

Yeah, girlfriend. What up, doc?

The spacemen came.
They took B.J.!

Now they're coming
to get the rest of us!

Run! Run for your lives!

What? B.J. Was taken
by spacemen?

What's she talking about?


What is it, Notch?

It's my sister snatch.

I remember...

Things that are
better left forgotten.

Who are you?

I'm known
as the pipe-smoking man.

But you're smoking a cigarette.

Believe me...

I smoke pipe.

Captain Buck Entennille?

Captain Entennille,
I thought you were in jail.

I was. Surrounded
by hardened men.

Big, muscular weight lifters.

And some softer, boyish types.

Notch, you're, uh...
Still not gay, are you?

No, I'm not.

Good. Neither am I.

But you were a paid assassin.

How did you get out so quick?

Presidential pardon.

4 easy payments, 89.99.

Look, captain Entennille,
I don't know why you're here,

but our friend is missing
and we need to find her.

B.J.'s involved in a
top-secret government project.

She's in no danger.
She'll be returned soon,

and my employer will be
reimbursing any travel expenses.

Look, Entennille, my
unit can't go that long

without a B.J.

Notch, you saved my life
in 'nam.

That's right dung
the big tit offensive.

Now I'm going to save your life.

Let this one go.
You know what's involved.

You know what
they're capable of.

Don't go there.

Notch, what's he talking about?

"You know what this involves."

It means only one thing.

B.J. Was taken...

To area 69.

Area 69? You mean it
really does exist?

Oh, 69 exists, all right.

And we're both
going down there...

At the same time.

As your agent, I got you
your own TV sitcom.

Isn't it exciting?

But... before we celebrate,

you'll need to sign this.

I get 80%, blah, blah, blah.


80%? I cannot sign that.

Oh, let me help you.

No more bottles
of beer on the wall

Ha ha ha!

10,000 bottles
of beer on the wall

Notch! I'm trying to
concentrate on the road.

Oh. Sorry.

What was that?!

I don't know.

Uh, Notch? A little help here?

Uh, no. Thanks, Kimberlee.

Standing here and thinking

is something
I have to do on my own,

just like a big boy.


Oh, I know.

You're thinking
about your sister.


Snatch. Yeah.

You put your finger right on it.

Hey, Notch, you think
there's any connection

between her disappearance
and B.J.'s?

Kimberlee, after 'nam,

Buck Entennille
recruited me into the FBI.

There, I unraveled
a lot of mysteries,

like who shot Elvis.

But when I began
sniffing around for snatch,

I came upon area 69.

And they drummed me
out of the bureau.

What's this?

Oh, my god. Look, a bullet!

Someone must have shot our tire!

That's great!

Great? They're
trying to kill us!

Let's... let's get out of here!

No, Kimberlee. Don't you see?

That's what they want us to do

because we're getting close!

The truth is up there.

They're coming!
They're coming to get us!

They're gonna get us all!

The aliens...
They're all around us!

They're gonna ge...

Mmm... mmm... mmm...


Where have you been all my life?

Mm-hmm. Hmm.

Uhh... uh...

I can't believe they just
had this one room left, Notch.

I can't believe you talked me

into trying tandoori chicken.

So, there's only one bed, huh?

Yeah, just this one.

Well, maybe I'll put up
a big barrier between us.

That... that could work.

There we go.

That's... that's a lot better.

Well, I guess it's time
to say good night.

Yeah. Well, uh...

Good night.


Oh, my god. It's a grenade!

Kimberlee, this is great!

That means somebody's
still trying to kill us!

That means we're
really getting close.

Notch! Grenades explode.

Oh, right!


Kimberlee, call Alamo.

See if we signed
an insurance waiver.

Professor Milosevic unplugged

Ooh! You better get
your hands off me.

I got friends who are
very high up in the NBA.

Jamaica! Not you, too?

Can you believe this?

A brother knocked me up
and then left me

to raise my kid on my own.

Now, how can you be pregnant?

You're not a virgin.

Ah! Shh.

Notch, now they have
B.J. And Jamaica.

I know. All they
need is an Asian girl

and they'll be able to
film a gap commercial.

Welcome to area 69,

you hot-ass pregos.

Now, I know some of you
may be wondering

why you're here.

Yes, B.J.?

Why are we here?

Good question.

Space aliens
from the planet Zirconia

have impregnated you.

Soon you will be giving birth

to a new super species

that will one day
rule the universe.

We got to do something.

From TV village
in Hollywood, it's...

Professor! Professor!

Hey, I am crippled, not deaf.

Professor, how many times
do I have to tell you,

no lit cigars in the house.

What's the furor, fuehrer?

I like my stogies
like I like my women...


This is brilliant!

It's Arnold Schwarzenegger
meets Christopher reeve.

Hi. How are you?


All right, listen up,
you mothers.

The seed is planted.
The time is come.

Let the mass birthing begin!

I don't know nothin'
'bout birthin' no babies.



Oh... god!




Ah, that's disgusting.

Ok, Notch, I'll take
care of Entennille.

You get the girls and
round up the pods.

Don't worry. I'm on it.



Hey, wait a minute.

You, guard. Hold on there.

Put those down!

You're no guard.

That's right.
He's Notch Johnson.

And you are busted.

B.J., Jamaica,

we'll have you out
of there in a sec.

And that goes for all
you hot-ass pregos!

Not so fast, Johnson!


Unh! Uhh!

Let her go, Entennille.

Or you'll never see
your gooey balls again.

Wait! Let's make a deal.

You let those pods
escape to outer space and...

I'll help you get something
you haven't seen in a long time.

You mean it?

That's right.

I'll arrange for you
to finally get snatch.

Ok, professor.
What this cake needs

is a little flour.

Strudel head.

I'm so sorry.

Oh! Ok! One more.
One more, professor.

You know I can't talk
with my mouth full.



Oh... yo!


Men, take those pods on board.

Ok, Notch.

A deal's a deal.




Oh, snatch.

You've been away so long,
you're strange to me now.

Uh... Notch!


That makes me miss
my brother/uncle.

Good-bye, pod baby.

Good-bye, Lavoris.

Well, captain, you're right.

A deal's a deal.

You're free to go.

Oh, wait.

Notch, I'd like him to explain

what this thing was all about.

Sure, Kimberlee.

You see, there are no
females on the planet Zirconia,

so the have to breed
with other species.

You helped another
species over your own?

What kind of man are you?

Actually, I'm not a man at all.


That was weird.

By the way, Notch...

Are you sure you're not gay?

No, I continue to be not gay.

Good! Neither am I!

I'm coming home soon, honey,

how boffo you were
in the TV pilot.


Hello, Herr big!

What brings you
to the beach today?

Yeah, what's the good word,
Larry, baby?

Ah, it's bad news.
We did a focus group

America does not
want to see you two.

But people loved us.

America wants to see a, uh...

A pinhead with a big fat guy.

Hey, fellas!

Hey, what?

You want to do
a television show?

You got it! You got it!

Hey, you guys
are gonna need an agent

and a manager.

What? What?

Oh, hi, teens.
Notch Johnson here.

Tonight's show was
about situation comedies.

I can't tell you how important

TV sitcoms are to me,

because I love to laugh.


And when I think
of my favorites,

2 classic comedies
come to mind...

Leave it to Lucy

and I love beaver.

But recently, some
folks from a famous

basic cable TV network

approached me to do
a show about my life.

And since the beach
is like a father to me,

they wanted to call it Baywatch.

But who wants to see
a show about lifeguards?

It's boring.

I said, "bring me back
something funny."

So, until next time,
this is Notch Johnson saying

Ride the big one.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.