Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 2, Episode 13 - Grand Prix - full transcript

Hello, race fans, and welcome

to the Malibu Adjacent
3/4 midget championship.

I'm the sports announcer,

and, mayor Anita Massengil,

does it get any more exciting

than 3/4 midget auto racing?

Yes, it does.


And as everyone knows,

this race will come down
to the 3 favorites:

America's Davey Condom,

France's Jacques Douché,

and the Englishman,
sir Nigel Flossmore.

The winner
of this 3/4 midget race

will win a million dollars,

plus this beautiful
loving cup... size "double D."

Ladies and gentleman,

we're moments away from racing,

and out on the track
in just a moment,

will be the talented Englishman,

sir Nigel Flossmore.

What good is this car?

It doesn't have a backseat.

Well, B.J., racecars
don't have backseats.

You're from the south.

Haven't you been to other races?

"Other races?"

There should be no other races.

There should be only one race.

And 3/4 midget racing
is the bestest race of all.


Ha ha ha...

Ha ha.

Hey, gang, say hello
to my old friend

Davey "Rib" Condom.


Oh, ribbed condom.

The pleasure is all mine.


How can I repay you
for being my crew chief?

I just want to see you

with a really high
pole position.


And there goes

the Englishman,
sir Nigel Flossmore,

starting his practice run.

Wait a minute. There
seems to be a problem.

Oh, no!

Oh, the humanity.

And then...

There were deux.

Tonight's episode...

Son of the Beach is free
with a medium drink.


Well, this is the price you pay

when you sign on to be

a 3/4 midget racer.

I'll notify his
next of kin, chief.

Easier said than done, Chip.

He's English,

so there are no dental records.

This is so sad.

Are you hungry?

Girlfriend, there is a man

inside that wreckage.

How 'bout Ellen's fish tacos?


Look! He's alive!

Ladies and gentlemen,

here comes
the 3/4 midget ambulance.

Ow, ow, ow!


I can't believe he would
walk away from that crash.

And there
are the 3/4 midget medics.

Hurry up. Hurry up.

Oh, the humanity. This is the
worse thing I've ever seen in my life!

He is one lucky guy.

Boy, seeing something
like that, it...

Really makes you
appreciate life.

I want to give you a hug.

Hello, Notch Johnson.


Of all the 3/4 midget
racetracks in all the world,

you had to walk into mine.


Hi, Ellen.

We're here to chow
down on your snapper.

Are you crying?


What do you think I am, a girl?

What's the deal, sister...


My life mate, Bobbi,
and I had a fight.

And when I woke up this morning,

this "dear Jane" letter was...

Next to my electric razor.

"Dear Ellen,
I'll never forget you.

Your manly charm,
your old spice aftershave... "

the sweet smell of clam
sauce on your doc marten boots.

Bobbi, is this because
I left the toilet seat up?

No, it's more than that, Ellen.

I'm tired of being
just a housewife.

I need my independence.


That's why I'm opening
up my own business.

And I hope you like it.

"Bobbi's fish-n-chicks?"

Why don't you girls come on
over and try a Bobbi sandwich?

2 tomatoes

and a lot of tongue.


You two, uh, know each other?

Well, not in the biblical sense.

See, we used to be lovers.

I have been
a racecar groupie for years.

I have probably slept with 6/8

of our 3/4 midget drivers,

but Notch was
the greatest of them all.

He was?


I have been looking for you.

Uh, Notch, this is Jacques.

Her husband.

Oh, her husband.

Did you... did you
hear that, Notch?

Well, it's, uh,

it's nice to meet you, Mr...


That's douché, you imbecile.

And now...

If you'll excuse me,

Nicorette and I have...

A rendezvous.

You know what your
problem is, Clark?

You're too clean-cut.

You don't flaunt
what god gave you.

If you're open for business,

you gotta do a
little advertising.

Uh, you know,

I really don't want any help.

Oh, no, don't
shut us out, Kimberlee.

We know how to get men.

Ellen, don't be
so down on yourself.

If I only could.

It would solve all my problems.

Oh, well, it's not like

she's gonna put me
out of business.

Attention, customers
of Ellen's fish tacos...

Check out the pair I got.

Come on over. It's lappy hour.

Come on, let's go.
Move, move, move, move.

I want to see you move.

I don't believe it.

She hired herself
some hot waitresses.

Hello, Ellen.

Ready to admit I licked ya?

You may have licked her,

but you didn't finish her off.

Oh, really?

There is no way

she can compete with me.

Ha. Oh, yes, there is.

We're Ellen's
new hot waitresses.


Up next in the time trials,

American rib condom.

So Notch, any
last-minute advice?

Here's a tip, condom.

You're all lubricated.

So just pull out
and burn rubber.

Thanks, Notch.

So, it is done.


Jacques, is winning so important

that you must flambé
the other drivers?

We need that million dollars.

Is it my fault we invested

in that John Travolta
Scientology movie?

He was a big star.

And then "poof."

Our entire life savings

down the bidet.

Oh! Oh.

You're gonna be ok, rib.
You're gonna be ok.

Do you have health insurance?

No. Aah...

It's just not fair.

How could this have happened?

Chief! Look, it's terrible.

Somebody replaced his tires

with firestones.

Oh, sure, they were

so it's not firestone's fault,

but still...

Who would do this?

Très tragique.

But, you know,
when it comes to driving,

we French... we are croissant.

And you Americans are

wonder bread. Heh heh.

Oh, yeah?

Well, we saved your stinky,

no-deodorant bodies
in world war ii.


Say what you want, Johnson,

but now I am the favorite.

Vive la France.

Not so fast, Mr. French.

I'm entering the race

on behalf of America...

All 60 states.

Viva Las Vegas!

Son of the Beach

Knock, knock.

I've got a little
surprise for you.

We designed and built Notch

a brand-new racecar.

I wanted it to be as good
as the finest German cars,

so I worked on it like a slave.

The engine is designed
to run on methane gas.

Go ahead, Notch. Start her up.

You got it.

Ha ha ha!

You guys did a great job.

Now, the big race is tomorrow,

so go home and get some sleep.

And, professor,

that means no whores.

Party pooper.

Get out of here, you guys.

Uh, Notch,

something's been bothering me.

I... I don't know.

Maybe it was seeing you
with Nicorette today.


Yes, Nicorette.


Soup du jour, Nicorette.

Notch, I need
to speak with you...


Well, I'm sure
Notch doesn't mind

if I stay. Right, Notch?

Actually, Kimberlee, I need you

to go get my lucky
racing underwear.

"Lucky racing underwear?"

They've got 2 racing
stripes down the side

and a skid Mark on the back.

Oh, Notch...

Seeing you again
in these racing coveralls,

it oils my gearbox.

Nicorette, please.

Remember how I taught you
to French-kiss?

But, Nicorette,

your last name isn't Johnson.

It's douche.

We're like vinegar and water.

Oh, Notch, I made a mistake.

It is you I have always wanted.

What is it, Clark?

Can't you see we're busy?

Mayor, Kody...

I want to take you up
on your offer.

Make me a slut...

A dirty, filthy, screaming slut.

Oh! Oh!


Well, strap on my six-shooter.

Wait till they
get a load of you.

We got a plan to get
your customers back.

Yeah, we're gonna dance
on the bar like in that movie

dirty dancing with ugly coyotes.


Whoa, I wonder what
that would be like.

That's it, Ellen.

I'm gonna have you
down on your knees.

Ooh, I knew you'd
come around, baby.

That's not what I meant.

You stole all my customers.

This means war.

Oh, no.

I hoped it wouldn't
come to this.

What are you talking about?

It's something lesbians
have used for generations.

The 2-headed pocket missile?

I got a cousin in the W.N.B.A.


I'm talking about...

Foxy boxing.

We're just
seconds away from the moment

everyone's been waiting for...

Notch Johnson's return
to the track.

Chief, I'm honored to
be on team Johnson.

I appreciate the thought, Chip,

but this race isn't about me.

It's about avenging rib's death.

I'm not dead.

Sometimes I swear I can
still hear his voice.

Hey there, big boy.

How's it hanging?

Wow, Kimberlee.

There's something
different about you.

Oh, I see. It's that pimple.

Here, let me get that.

What? Notch!

Notch, Notch!

We must speak.

Jacques saw us
French-kissing last night.

He is mad with jealousy.

I knew it.
The guy's in love with me.

Well, you can't
blame him for that.

No, it's me he wants.

He says he is going to kill you

during the race.

Notch, you have to drop out.

Yes, listen to the prostitute.

I'm sorry, gang.

I'm racing for America

and for the memory
of the friend I once had,

rib condom.

I'm still here.

I hear you, rib.

This one's for you.

Yeah. Go, Notch!

And they're off!

And Notch Johnson...

Taking a pit stop?

I'm leaking yellow fluid.





Son of the Beach
will be right back.

Maybe we should see what's
taking Notch so long

in the bathroom.

Maybe he's in there
playing a little

5 on one.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

There he is!

Hey, Ellen,

we're gonna whip your butt,

and not the way you like it! Ha!

I... I think Jamaica
should go first.

Oh. Oh, I get it.

Send the sister in
to do the dirty work.

It's not because you're black.

It's because, for some reason,

you're... you're stronger, faster,

and more athletic than me.


Go, go!

Go in there.


Oh, oh!

It's late in the race,

and Notch Johnson holds on
to a slim lead.

Go, baby, go!


Notch, this is the final lap.

Just stay away
from the Frenchman.

Suddenly, douché
has pulled even!

Oh! Oh...

And now, Notch Johnson,

it is time to say...


No! Aah!


Oh, this is horrible.

The last thing we wanted to see

was a spectacular,
awesome crash.

Let's see it again
in slow motion.

Oh, that is really a tragedy!

Let's see it again
on the onboard crash-cam.

Perhaps the 3/4
para-midget medics

can save Notch.

In the meantime,
the Frenchman has gone on

to win the race!

What a turn of events!

Oh, ahh, ha ha ha!

Yes! Ha ha ha ha!



I'm done.

I haven't been beaten this badly

since my last traffic violation.

Well, little darling,

looks like it's up to you.


Let me at her.

Go get 'em, cracker.

Go, girl.

You can do it. Get her.


Ooh, that's gotta hurt.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

You're never gonna believe this.

Careful, don't move anything.

Oh, no! Not Notch!

I'm so sad.

Hold me, professor Milosevic.

Back off. I do not go that way.

Come on, guys! Get
Notch out of there.

Every second counts.

I would not waste my breath

if I were you, trashy woman.

You did this to him.

Hey, it's a dangerous sport.

Accidents happen.

People get hurt.

Wow, what happened here?


If you're here...
Who's in the car?

Looks like it's the two of us.

That is, if you've
got the balls.

Bring it on, man.


Oh! Oh, oh!

Baby, I missed you so much.

Get out of here.


I'm about to taste victory

with a capital "V."

I don't know what happened.

After my big gulp, I had
to go wee wee tinkle.

Then somebody
hit me on the head.

Which means that this is the
person who knocked you out.

Let's see who it is.



She's alive, but unconscious.

So she's the one who knocked
me out and took my place,

but why?

Because she loved you,

you ignorant, beautiful bastard.

And she knew
of my evil plan to kill you.

And she could not
let that happen.

I think you just confessed.

You're under arrest, Frenchman.

Take him away!


If ol' rib were here right
now, he'd probably say,

"douche thought
he had it in the bag."

I'm behind you.

I know you are, rib.

And you always will be.

When I think about you,

Nicorette, I want you to know

how much you mean to me.

Sure, you're paralyzed
and virtually a vegetable,

but that won't stop me
from loving you.

I am sorry, Notch.

I have met someone else.


Hey, Notch, check out

the silicone Chips on her.

Ha ha ha!

Oh, baby, you can give me

all the ram you've got.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Let us go now, mon chéri.

My hard disk is full.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Oh, hi, teens.

Notch Johnson here.

Tonight's show is
about our neighbors

to the south,

the French.

You know, people are always
making fun of the French.

For being rude, for
hating Americans,

for not shaving
under their arms,

wearing berets,

running from Germans,

and most of all, for
their horrible B.O.

So, until next time,

this is Notch Johnson saying...

Ride the big one.

Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!