Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 2, Episode 12 - The Sexorcist - full transcript

Oh, ho ho!

Ha ha! This proves my theory

that Africa is the birthplace
of menthol cigarettes...

And malt liquor.

Put that in the bag, sweetie.

Oh, my god.

what is this?

Tonga! Tonga!

Cuaga! Cuaga!


Must be time for Moesha.

Guess what.

I brought goodies.

Jamaica, you didn't
have to bring us gifts.

I got these at the dig. Dig?

The Africans call these tagowi.

Wow. What would they
be called in English?


And for you, Chip, a t-shirt.

It's in your size...
Double matambo.

And for you, B.J.,

an authentic African tchotchke.

Wow! Thanks, Jamaica.

This'll make a great souvenir.

Ok, gang.

We have to get
to the mayor's office.

B.J., you can play
with your thingy later.

Tonight's episode...

Son of the Beach
contains no MSG.

So... remember
my campaign slogan.

"Vote for Massengil,

not some other douche bag."

Thank you again for
coming, Mrs. Strother.

I really value the endorsement

of perfect family magazine.

Now, mayor, you don't have
my endorsement just yet.

Yes, well...

We're just all
so happy you came.

You're evil.

Damn, B.J.

You need to lay off
them big gulps, girl.

Come on, Kim. Let's
get her out of here.

Mayor, could you please tell me

what that was all about?


Um, it was an
accident, Mrs. Strother.

Obviously, B.J. Thought

she was swimming in the ocean,

where we all go
to urinate freely.


Mrs. Strother, let me show you

a better example
of SPF-30 manpower.

Chip Rommel.

Danke, mayor.

Isn't he a terrific specimen?

Sometimes I just
forget I'm the mayor.

I become a giggling teenager

with a schoolgirl crush.

Am I gonna get the goods on her.

I can't believe I did that.

B.J., that is not what I meant

when I said, "you go,
girl." Mmm-mmm-mmm.

B.J., if it's
a bladder control issue,

I can loan you one of my
Notch Johnson big boy snuggies,

now with a touch of retsin.

Thanks, Notch.

Oops. Sorry, B.J. I'll get it.

Uh, Notch!


You got some sort of
furry creature down here.

Oh, that's just my muskrat.


B.J., it's important
to figure out

what caused your faux pee.

Um, pas.

Now, have you been under stress?

Not that I know of.

Do me! Do me now!

B.J., I know this
is a locker room,

but that's locker room talk.

Notch, something is
seriously wrong with B.J.

I think we should call a doctor.

Yeah, that's the worst
case of bronchitis

I've ever seen.

No, Notch. I'm talking
about a psychiatrist.

Exfoliate me! Exfoliate me!

That's the devil
making her do that.

Are you saying B.J.'s possessed

by an evil force?

I'm calling Dr. Towers,

the clinical psychologist
from Malibu Adjacent.

Better yet, Kimberlee,
you call Dr. Towers,

the clinical psychologist
from Malibu Adjacent.

In the meantime...

I'm gonna look up an old friend.

Exfoliate me! Exfoliate me!


Chip, the mayor seems
to show genuine affection

for her employees,

especially you.

Well, it's not
that she singles me out,

it's more like she corners me.

She corners you? Really?

Chip, look, I know this
might be hard for you,

but has the mayor
ever touched you?


No, it was very appropriate.

She was offering me a promotion.



There she is!

Oh! Oh!

I haven't seen you
in such a long time!

Well, I wish this
was a personal visit,

but, uh, something just came up.

Really? Tell me about it.

I have reason to believe
someone close to me

might be possessed by the devil.

Oh, that sounds horrible.

Can you zip me up?


But, Notch, I thought
that you weren't a believer,

that you had lost your faith.

Sister Ashley, I never
lost my faith in the almighty.

I only lost faith in myself.

As far as I can tell,

there's nothing
psychologically wrong with B.J.

Dr. Towers, are you saying
she's completely healthy?

Well, if it'll
make you feel better,

I'd be happy to give her
a breast exam.

Um... thank you.
That'll be fine.

Hey, gang. Say hey
to sister Ashley

from our lady
of the perfect wave.

You know, I always
wondered what it would be like

to go to an all-girls
catholic school.

Uh, could we
get back to work here?

Oops! I did it again.

If B.J. Is truly possessed,

she'll show some telltale signs.

For instance, has anybody
seen her move objects

without using her hands?

Not until now.


It burns! It burns!

This holy water repels her.

We need to perform an exorcism.


What is it, girlfriend?

No, sister Ashley.

Are you sure
B.J. Needs an exorcism?

It couldn't hurt.

Son of the Beach
returns after this.

The longer the
devil's inside of her,

the harder it will
be to get him out.

Those are the rules.

You know them
better than I do, Notch.

I know, I know.
Stop it, would you?

You're like an annoying sister.

Am not! Are too.

Am not! Are too!

I'm rubber, you're...

Notch, how do you know
so much about exorcisms?

Oh, Kimberlee.

Before I found
my calling as a lifeguard,

I spent a good part of my
youth working at a semenary.

There, I spent a lot of time

under father Chuck.

Father Chuck?

He was the world's top exorcist.

Notch, you're more
qualified than I am

to perform this exorcism.

Listen to me, sister.

I won't do it.
I let someone down once,

and I'm not doing it again!

Thank you for your
soft money contribution.

Just so you know,
I'm also taking hard ones.

Hello, mother. Good news.

Just got back from the Navy base

where I took several polls.

You are running high among
sailors who shave their body hair!

Once Mrs. Strother's article

in perfect family
magazine comes out

I'll be a shoo-in.

Also, I'm running unopposed.

Aah! It's here!

Perfect family magazine!

"America's filthiest mayor"?


"The mayor has her hands
in more than just politics.

"Lifeguard Chip Rommel
claims to have been groped,

and sexually attacked"?!

This gets me worked up.

I'm gonna go take
some more polls.

Not so fast.

My campaign's
in real jeopardy here.

Excuse me, mayor.

I think you should
turn on channel 53.

Major Massengil's campaign

has just been dealt
a giant blow.

Don't look at me.

How did this happen?

Why did Mrs. Strother do this?

I did this because
the only candidate

who could truly
put families first

is the perfect family candidate.

Someone who's married.

Someone who has sex
in only one position...

And doesn't enjoy it.

And that someone...

Is me.

Bitch! Bitch!

Notch! Notch!

Why won't you do the exorcism?

I've never known you
to run from anything.

Because, Kimberlee, there
was a time in the semenary

when I let down
a very good friend.

And that friend
was father Chuck.

I loved Chuck.

We used to play
this wonderful word game:


Yeah, Notch. I know how it goes.

I knew him
since I was an altar boy.

And later, as a semenarian,

whenever I was lonely,
Chuck would let me

enter his rectory.

I'll never forget
the smell of his rectory.

I get the picture, Notch.

Look, can we get
to what happened?

I was on night shift

working as a bingo ball caller

when I got the news.

A young runaway from a
neighboring parish was possessed.

I got there as fast as I could.

The poor kid
was writhing in pain.

You just knew

that the devil was
eating away at his soul.

Hold out this cross

and repeat after me.

Evil spirits, begone!

I remember father Chuck
handed me the crucifix,

but in my haste
I poked myself in the eye.

I couldn't see!

And when I finally could,

there father Chuck lay,
dead on the floor.

The devil had won.

The devil had stolen
that kid's soul!

And that boy's name...

Was Rosie O'Donnell.

Look, Notch, I
understand you're afraid,

but B.J. Really needs you.

Look, I'd love
to have a good B.J. Again.

I believe there's no
such thing as a bad B.J.

But the guilt of father
Chuck is just too strong.

I can't do it.

Well, that's just great.

Let sister Ashley
do all the work

while your best friend's soul

hangs in the balance.

I knew you'd understand.

Notch Johnson, I never
thought I'd say this,

but you are a coward.

How did this happen?

I'm so sorry, mayor,

but Mrs. Strother tricked me.

Well, now you're
going to trick her.

You'd better get dirt on her

or you'll be patrolling
the beaches in Berlin.

But there are
no beaches in Berlin.

Exactly. I need you to crack

Mrs. Strother's
squeaky clean image.

Ja, but how?

You're gonna seduce
that tight-ass shrew

with everything you've got

while Kody captures it
all on videotape.


Mayor, you can count on me.

Uh, so, Chip,

you ever had your poll taken?

Jamaica, Kimberlee, &
Ashley: Evil spirits, begone!

We command you!

Evil spirits, begone!
We command you!

I don't think so!

Oh, Notch, you came back!

Oh, I knew you
wouldn't let us down.

Relax, Kimberlee, I just
came back to get my ditty bag.

I'm all out of ditties.

Notch, my son.

Tell me you're not afraid.

Father Chuck! Is that you?

Yes, Notch.

And me Irish eyes
aren't smiling.

If you really are father Chuck,

as an altar boy, what
were those 3 little words

I loved hearing
you whisper in my ear?

They're magically delicious.

It really is you, father Chuck!

How could it be father Chuck?

You let him die, just
like B.J.'s about to die.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ah ha ha ha!

Ok, Mr. Devil.
You have gone too far!

I'm taking over the exorcism.

I don't care how much
you throw up on me

of that sticky,
gooey, milky whi...

Salty substance.

I am gonna get my B.J.

More free B.J.
After these messages.

Evil spirits, you
have no power here.

Begone. We command you!


Ok, Kimberlee, quickly
secure B.J.'s wrists.

Jamaica, tie down
her legs spread-eagle.

Ok, those wrists have
to be secured tight.

And, Jamaica, tie her legs wide.

That's the only way
she'll be able to take it.

No, wider!

Spread 'em, girl.

Nabisco and Nabisco!

Topo gigio Crisco!

Domino domino. Cannabis sativa!


Mrs. Strother.
Running for mayor.

Oops! I dropped a penny.

Maybe I'll bend over

so you can see my firm buttocks.

Heh heh heh!

I know what you're up to, Chip!

What do you mean?

I'm just trying to have
extramarital sex with you.

The mayor put you
up to this, didn't she?

Didn't she?!

I can't take the pressure! Yes!

She sent me down here
to seduce you,

but I was just following orders!

Well, in that case,

say hello to one of
my 2.5 children. Alex.


Evil spirits,
begone! We command you!

Evil spirits, begone!
We command you!

Sister Ashley, I think we're
making some headway.

You'll never
beat me, Johnson. Never!

Ooh! That devily bit
need some visine.

Pardon me, devil,
for using the h-word,

but you can go to heck.

Sister, are we gonna lose her?

Not on my watch.

By all the power that is good,

I command you to leave
this girl's body!


Sister, sister!

Sister, sister?

Ooh, I used to love that show,

but how'd they get 2 homegirls
that look so much alike?

Hey, what is this?

Oh, that's the
talisman from Africa

that Jamaica gave B.J.

Oh, my god, Notch, that's it.

The natives freaked out
when they saw that.

I bet they knew
it had the devil inside.

Oh, my god.

This is all my fault.

Yes, it is.

But I have an idea.

If Satan came out of this thing,

what do you say we make Satan

go back inside?

Hello, devil.

Pretty interesting
you preyed upon B.J.,

a simple, fair-haired virgin.


And father Chuck,

a kindly old man whose
rectory was always open.

And I enjoyed killing him,

just like I'm going
to enjoy killing you.

And if you doubt
my power, don't forget

I made people think
Kathie Lee was talented.

You think I'm some
sort of fraidy-cat?

Come into me.

Come into me.

The power of Johnson
compels you!

The power of Johnson
compels you!

The power of Johnson
compels you!


The lord works
in some mysterious ways.

I'm gonna throw this
in the ocean

so B.J. Can never
be repossessed.


What's going on?

Oh, B.J., you're all right.

I had the strangest dream.

You were there, Notch.

And you, too, Kimberlee.

And you, Jamaica.

Wow. There's no place like home.

Beej, can we get you anything?

Well, I am a little hungry.

Oh, baby girl, I'll whip you up

anything your little
heart desires.

Anything but...

Devil's food cake.

No nuns were harmed

good morning. I'd like
to introduce to you

the mayor of Malibu Adjacent...

Anita Massengil.

And her challenger
Mrs. Strother.



Thank you.

Before we begin,

I'd just like to say

I did not have sex
with that man,

Mr. Rommel.

Thank you, honorable mayor.

The first question
is for Mrs. Strother.

Mrs. Strother,
do you think that red China

should be allowed
into the United Nations?

Do me! Do me now!


Uh, mayor Massengil,

a rebuttal?

I think my constituency
would like to hear

more from my opponent.

The sow is mine!

I promise death

to all those who cross me.

For evil will reign supreme

forever! Ha ha ha!

She's making some
interesting points.

Ha ha ha!

Oh, hi, teens.
Notch Johnson here.

Tonight's show was pointless,

so instead of doing a wrap-up,

I'm gonna reach into my mail sac

and pull out a piece of my mail.

Tonight's letter comes to us

from an S. Riley
of Eugene, Oregon.

S. writes, "dear Notch,

"my friend and I made a bet

"that Michelle,
your wrap-up girl,

couldn't do 5 jumping
Jacks in a row."

Well, S., I'm here to tell you

Michelle can do
better than that.


Hi, Notch!

Hi, Michelle.

Michelle's not only going
to do 5 jumping Jacks,

she's gonna do 5 in slow motion.


Ha ha! That was terrific.

So until next time, this
is Notch Johnson saying...

Ride the big one.