Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 2, Episode 11 - The Island of Dr. Merlot - full transcript

Blow, B.J., blow. Ah, yeah.

Now. Yeah, that's it. That's it.

It's really getting
big. Oh, yeah.

That's it. Keep blowing.

Blow, girl, blow.

That's it. Keep blowing.

Oh, it's getting so big.

Ahh, excellent, B.J. Ha ha.

You see, gang. If I
were drowning right now,

my balls would save my life.

But wouldn't someone
else have to be there

to blow into your shorts?

Only if the rip cord fails.


Well, now I feel right at home.

So, B.J., you actually
designed these devices?

Yep. I did it for
my science project.

See, I take night classes

at Kelsey Grammer School. Ha ha.

And now our little B.J.

Is gonna show off
her life breasts

at the international flotation
convention in Bermuda.

And she's flying there courtesy
of Notch Johnson airways.


So, Notch, when
will we be landing?

Excuse me, B.J.

Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking.

We should be landing shortly
at J.F.K. Jr. International Airport,

but in the meantime,
sit back, relax,

and enjoy our in-flight movie:

Dude, where's my car?



Wh-what was that?

I don't know.

Oh! Aah!

I can't get it up! Oh.

Prepare for crash landing.


B.J., my life balls won't drop.

Notch, you'll have
to infalate yourself.

Unh. Uhh. Ahh. Ahh.

I once sprained my neck
trying to do this when I was 14.


Tonight's episode...

This is your anchorman

with continuing
live coverage of...

The memorial service
is about to begin

for the late Notch Johnson

and the very hot but dead
B.J. Cummings.

As you can see, the chapel
is filled with dignitaries.

There's Richard Nixon,

F.D.R. and Winston Churchill,

and there's Elton John

in a beautiful
Yves Saint Laurent gown.

Mayor Anita Massengil
is about to speak.

First, to memorialize
B.J. Cummings,

we're placing her bust
in town hall.

You know, I could say
many great things

about Notch Johnson,

but a funeral is hardly
the place for that.

Now I'd like to introduce
Notch's favorite friend

and appliance, professor
Ahmed Duke Milosevic.

I admired Notch Johnson

for his kindness,

his compassion, and
his ability to urinate

while standing up.

Weeping, weeping, sniffle, fart.

Excuse me. I am malfunctioning.

Fart, fart, fart, faaaaaaart.

And now miss Kimberlee Clark.

Notch, if you can hear me,
I will always love...

Uh, like you, heh.

Why, lord, why?

I can't believe he's gone.

Praise, Jesus! Yes, sir!

I refuse to believe he's gone.

I mean, we never
recovered the body,

and... and Notch Johnson has
cheated death a thousand times.

Why not this time?

Miss Clark, you
are out of order.

I'm out of order?

You're out of order!

This whole funeral's
out of order!

Mm-hmm, amen! Hallelujah! Amen!

Testify, my sister. Testify!

My lord loves me, yes, he does

my lord loves me, yes, he does

I can't believe we're
macarooned on a desert island.

The important thing
is we're survivors.

That gives me an idea.

You vote me off the island,

then I'll send back
for a rescue boat.

B.J., are you insane?

There's no way
I'm voting you off.

You're much too valuable here.

Yeah. What was I thinking?

I'm hungry.

Tell you what? I'm gonna
build us some shelter.

You go look for something
to eat in the bush.


Oh, I wish B.J. Would come back.

She's only been gone 10
minutes, but I'm getting lonely.

Hey, I'll talk to these.

Hi, fellas. Heh heh.

Hold on, hold on.
One at a time, all right?

Ok. Ok. You go first.

Hey, Notch.

Oh, hi, B.J.

So what'd you pull
out of the bush?

Dingle berries.



You guys, I'm sorry if I
made a scene at the funeral.

It's just I have
this gut feeling

that Notch isn't dead.

You know, a lot of my relatives
were thought to be dead,

but they were
actually in Argentina

living under assumed names.

If only I could get my
hands on that black box.

Say what?!

Yoo-hoo, everyone.

I have incredible news.

They found Notch and B.J.?

Oh, god, no.

I've already decided who
Notch's replacement is.

Meet your new boss.

Kody's the new chief?

Don't call me chief. Call me...

Rear admiral. Pssss.


I know you're a virgin,

but since we may never be saved,

we need to continue our race.

So I'll need to seed your
fertile womb with my sperm.


I'm gonna lift my shirt.

That will get
your natural juices going.


Ahh! Ohh!

B.J., we're saved!

Oh! Ha ha.

Halt! You are
on private property.

Now, now, ladies.

There's no reason to be so
inhospitable to our guests.

Please forgive the
overzealousness of my associates.

I'm Dr. Merlot.

Welcome to my island,

the island of Dr. Merlot.

More Merlot, Mr. Johnson?

No, thanks, Dr. Merlot.

I had my fill with the
peasant Merlot sauce,

the Merlot mashed potatoes,

and the Merlot jello.

Nonsense. There's
always room for Merlot.

Here, miss Cummings. Taste this.

Sure. I like tasting things.


When you taste the wine,

you're supposed to spit it out.

Call me crazy, but
I like to swallow.

Ladies, let me formally
introduce you all:



and ripple.

Boy, Mr. Dr. Merlot,

seems like wine
is your life's motif

or raison d'être, if you will.

Oops. Must be the wine talking.

Normally I'm not too bright.

I grew up in a California
wine country.

My family was so poor they
couldn't afford to drink wine.

We had to settle for
feeding each other grapes.

Feeding each other grapes?

What would that be like?

Boy, even thinking about
that makes my veins purple.

But, uh, Dr. Merlot,

uh, since our plane
crashed, we...

You want to go home.

Well, unfortunately,
the only way off the island

would be the supply boat,

and that won't be back
for a couple of days.

Oh. Well, that's no problem.

We could easily call.

No, alas, there is
no means of communication

with the outside world.

You see, I am
what is known as...

An eccentric.

Oh. That means he's
an idiosyncratic character

who refuses to conform.

I really got
to lay off the booze.

Good morning, workers.

It's time to get started on all
the changes I'm gonna make.

Heh heh heh.


Good question, home girl.

From now on, you ladies
wear new uniforms...

Big, tacky sweat suits.

They'll be perfect
for your new job.

Scrubbing floors.

No, no, no, no, no.

You're having them scrub floors?

Yes. But not you, honey.

You're gonna be
my new personal assistant,

and here's your new uniform.

I slept like a pussy cat.

How 'bout you, Notch?

Well, the room
was really comfortable,

but it's kinda hard
to wash your face

with hot and cold
running Merlot.



Boy, Dr. Merlot sure
gets lots of heads.

Yeah. Look.

Hey, that's Joey Buttafuoco

from TV's the Amy Fisher story.

I wondered what happened to him.

We should get out of here.

Well, aren't we
up early this morning?

I see you two have stumbled
upon my little museum.

Kody, are you sure these
guys have what it takes?

All they do is stand
there and stare at me.

I know they seem quiet now,

but trust me, they're screamers.

I refuse to work with them.

Ok, Chip. Now I have
to discipline you.

It's either garbage patrol

or feel the wrath of my whip.

I can't take this lying down.

I've gotta see if
Notch is still alive.

But Notch has gone to
shake the hand of Jesus.

I really feel as though

I owe you two an explanation.

I used to be an avid
big-game hunter, but, um...

You get a little bored.

So now I yearn to hunt...

An animal that can think.

Like a giraffe?

No, B.J., he means a moose.

No. I mean a human being.

Why do you think
I shot your plane down?

You see those 2 plaques
on the wall?

Those are meant for you.

Now, are you game?


now, here are the
rules of the game.

I give you a 2-hour head start,

and if I find you, I kill you.

Now, is there anything else

I failed to mention?

Oh, yes! Run!

I love this game.

Mayor, Kody, do you think

this new crew
can fill the sandals

of the old SPF-30?

It's funny,

the whole time Notch
Johnson was here,

I never once saw
him go into the water.

Help me!

Oh, god. What do I do?

You're supposed to save her.

Oh, right.

Places, everyone.

It's showtime!

Go, go.

Get in there.

Go, Mary.

Darling, um,

are you sure
this is going to work?

I mean, Chip is just
right down the beach.

Don't bother me, mother.

I'm in charge now.

Now butt out!

Kody, darling,

Give her mouth-to-mouth now!

Oh, my god, I'm gonna puke.


Save her!

Make way, sissy men.

Mayor, I think you've got

some explaining to do.


I told you we shouldn't give up.

I put professor
Milosevic on the job,

and he's come up
with some evidence

that Notch and B.J.
Might still be alive.

I picked something up
on my satellite.

Kimberlee, plug me into the TV.

My cable is under the seat.


Oh, that's it, baby.

Ha ha ha.

Just kidding.


I'd recognize those
big balloons anywhere.

They're B.J.'s.

Actually, the gas in those
devices has expanded

due to intense sunlight.

That's definitely a signal

that Notch and B.J. Are alive.

Ow! B.J.!


I'll help you, Notch.

No, B.J., you go on.

I'll just gnaw my foot off

like they do
on the discovery channel.

Oh. That was gonna be plan b.

Come on.

Oh! Whoa!

Ok, I wonder why
there's gunfire.

This must be the
south-central side of the island.

Well, there aren't
any traps here.

Yeah, I think we lost 'em.

Maybe Merlot gave up.

Oh, I think
we're too smart for him.



Did I fail to mention to our 2
friends about the quicksand?

Hold it.

I am picking up B.J.'s voice.

My onstar system tells me

that she is in
quicksand territory.

The area's full of quicksand.

Sending men in there

would be a suicide mission.

Sorry, we did our best.


No, wait, wait.

You mean, you're just
gonna let them die?

It's over, Kimberlee.


Not so fast, Navy boy.

I guess you've never
dealt with Duke Milosevic,

the human hummingbird.

I guess this is it, Notch.

Give me your head, B.J.

I want to give you a kiss.

Look, up in the sky.

It's a bird. It's a plane.


Professor Milosevic!
Professor Milosevic!

Professor, send down the rope.



I hadn't heard
from you in awhile,

so I thought
I'd drop you a line.

Titter, titter.

Here we go.


No. No!

That's not fair!

Eat this, compadre.


I hate it when they hit the toe.


Hey, hey!

Aw, Notch, I knew
you were alive.

We never gave up hope.

Praise the lord, yes, sir!

Aw, thanks, gang.

Now say hello and good-bye

to the evil Dr. Merlot.

He likes wine tasting,

long walks on the beach,

and hunting humans for kicks.

I should have killed you when
I had the chance, Johnson.

Oh, come on, Mr. Dr. Merlot,

why the sour grapes?

Yeah, after all,

you will be stored
in a cool, dark place.

And by the time you
get out of jail,

you'll be well-aged.

Well, one thing's for sure.

In prison, you're
gonna get corked.


No, don't let them cork me!


Kody, your shameful
display of lifeguarding

nearly cost me.

You and your crew are fired!

But, mother, that's not fair!

Oh, darling, don't cry.

You know I can't
stand it when you cry.

2 tickets to tonight's
showing of boylesque?

Who wants the other one?

Me! Me! Me!

But, Frau mayor,

who is going to be
the new head lifeguard now?

I am!


You're alive.

Thanks to my...

Humongous flotation device.

And professor Milosevic.

Hey, where is the professor?

I hear he's got a new job.

There's a 4-car pile up

on the southbound
San Diego freeway.

Take surface streets
to save yourself some time.

Back to you, Lou.

Oh, hi, teens.

Notch Johnson here.

Tonight's show was a
very special episode.

It dealt with the complexities

of the mother-son relationship.

It was especially
difficult on me

because as you
know, I had no mother.

She died during conception,

so I missed out

on those special
moments with mom.

No time at the playground.

No time in the kiddie pool.

And no time laying on her chest,

suckling yummy mommy milk

from her swollen orbs.

Well, that's why the folks

at Notch Johnson
laboratories developed...

The big nip.

You can use the big nip

for drinking milk
or any beverage.

Even a cold, frosty soda pop.


Tastes like cola,
feels like mom.

So until next time,

this is Notch Johnson saying,