Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 2, Episode 10 - It's Showtime at the Apollo 13! - full transcript

Hello, space fans,

and welcome to Malibu Adjacent

and the Notch Johnson
space center.

You are looking
at the astronauts.

Commander Sean "Puffy"
Aldrin, some white guy...

And Jamaica St. Croix,
who's about to make history

as the first black lifeguard
in space.

"T" minus 3 minutes to liftoff.

Ahh! There's Jamaica!

With me now is the man

known as the illegitimate father

of the American space program:

Notch Johnson.

Notch, I understand
you were involved

in the Mercury program.

Isn't that where they
sent animals into orbit?

That's right, space announcer.

They sent me up first
to make sure it was safe

for dogs and monkeys.


Also here, mayor
Anita Massengil.

I assume you are here
to somehow grab credit

for this historic event.

You are correct, sir.

This is a proud day for my
Malibu Adjacent Space Agency...


Space shuttle,
this is MASA control.

Prepare for liftoff.

Yes, MASA. Anything
you say, MASA.

How am I doin',
commander Aldrin?

All systems are you go girl.

Wow! This is so exciting.

Yeah, I can't believe
a rocket's gonna go off

right in my face.

My grandfather used
to launch rockets.

For some reason they
kept crashing into England.

And now, the official countdown.


5... 3...

2... 4...

One... liftoff!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Tonight's episode...

Son of the Beach is a
graduate of Devry Institute.

Greetings, earthlings.

Jamaica. Jamaica.

It is nothin' like
the hood up here,

except I did see
a drive-by shooting star.

Well, I hope they're
feeding you well.

Oh, are you kiddin' me?

I can't get enough
of this prune tang.

Mmm. I love prune tang.

I could dive
into some right now.


Well, keep up
the good work, Jamaica.

You're an inspiration

to all of the little
black lifeguards

who want to grow up to be

little black astronauts.

Thanks, chief.

Jamaica, signing out.


This computer doesn't
seem to be responding.

That's strange.

Yeah, and not the good
kind of strange either.

Hey, Chip. Whatcha doin'?

I'm studying for
my citizenship test.

Did you know the United States

was once at war with Germany?

Uh, that sounds familiar, yes.

I never knew,

and I majored in
revisionist history.

Oh, I... I see.

Kimberlee, I'm going to improve

the image of Germans
in this country

by doing something nice.

Well, good for you, Chip.

Americans are very forgiving.

I hope so.

I mean, war is one thing,

but they act as if we did
something unspeakably horrible.

We lost our computer system,

so we lost control of the ship.

Malibu Adjacent,
we have a problem.

Someone's hacking
onto our computer system.

Ahh, I'm a lifeguard, damn it,

not a computer engineer,

but wait. That gives me
a clever idea...

As you can tell by my face.

Chip, I think it's wonderful
what you're doing

to help the image
of your people.

Danke fur, mayor.

And thank you for
letting me participate.

Hopefully your act of kindness

will make the Hispanic
community hate me less.

Ok, I've given everybody

one of these raffle tickets.

Now we'll put them in the barrel

so you draw the lucky winner.

Got it!

Now let's see who'll
win this beautiful...

With a picture of Jesus

hanging from
the rearview mirror.

Ok, now, before we
start with the drawing,

hand over your green cards.

I need your green cards.

What did I say?

I'm so sorry.

So professor Milosevic
can help identify the hacker.

Yep. First he'll insert
his large probe

into the third input.


You should see
his probe, Kimberlee.

It's so long and hard.

Ok, Notch. I get the picture.

It is true, Kimberlee.

Watch as I take out just enough

to prove the point.

Wow, professor!

You're really gifted.

It's also an oral thermometer.

Would you like me
to take your temperature?

Ha ha ha! Boiiiing!

Ok, what's it
telling you, professor?

Searching, searching.

One result.
The hacker is a student

at Robert Downey Jr.
Senior high school.

That's here in Malibu Adjacent.

And the student's name
is ba-ba-ba...


Ohh! He must have
contracted a virus!

This could be the same virus

that the hacker
put onto the space shuttle.

Well, what are we gonna do now?

Well, we gotta save Jamaica,

and the only way to do that

is to find this

Well, we know he's a
student at the high school.

Then I have no choice.

I've gotta go finger a teenager.

Class, let's welcome
a new student.

What up, everybody!
I'm Parker Loomis.

Hi, Parker.

Yo, Parker. What's up, man?

Hello, Parker.

What up, Parker?

Yeah, cool, dude.

Hi, Parker.

I'm Brandy. I dig your clothes.

Well, thanks, Brandy.

You've got great pompoms.


Class, today we're
gonna be talking about sex.

Now, a lot of you
are at that age

when you start wondering,

"what would that be like?"

Parker, what
are you waiting for?

I asked you
to come to the board.

Uh, right now?

Come on, Parker. It's not hard.

Oh, yes, it is.

I gotta go to the nurse.

Ok, send the next one in.

B.J., how's it goin' in here?

Have you seen
anything suspicious?

Not really. Just a lot of boys

who wanna be
checked for hernias.

Ok, well, keep looking.
We have to find that hacker.


Ok, are you ready?

Turn your head and cough.

That's it. That's a good boy.

Notch to base. Notch to base.

Go for Kimberlee.

Kimberlee, there are
too many students here.

Finding a hacker is like
looking for a needle in a...

What's that dried up,
grassy stuff?


Hey, what?

Uh, never mind.

Look, I did some
research to narrow it down.

Hackers are introverts,

societal outcasts

who interact better
with machines

than with humans.

Kimberlee, in English.

Look for a loser
in the computer lab.

Don't worry. I'm on it.

I don't understand
what went wrong.

Chip, long ago I learned
a valuable lesson

about helping people.

Don't do it.

Well, I'm not giving up.

I'm going to help another
oppressed minority:

Gay men.

Gay men?

Ja, I want to help
these poopinjammers.

What can you do for them
that doesn't involve

crawling on all fours?

I'm going to throw a big party!

Hey, I'm gonna
bash you gays good.

Oh, my god!
What did we see in that...

No, no, no!

What did I say?

He is so bad, that Chip.

I'm so sorry.

Excuse me, sir.

Sir, can you tell me
where the computer lab is?


Notch Johnson.

Shh, I'm undercover.

What are you doing here?

Trying to help some
young girls get a leg up

so I'm workin' as a
substitute gym teacher.

Faster, girls.

I wanna hear ya moan.

That's nice.

Yeah. Ellen, uh,
maybe you can help me.

I'm lookin' for a boy who
might be a computer hacker.


I don't know too many
of the male students.

Of course, there's
always that kid.

He's always there... Alone,

playing with that
thing on his lap.

I think his name is Billy.

Billy? That could be
short for ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

Thanks, Ellen.

All right.

All right, everybody.
Turn around.

Spread 'em. Put your butts
in the air and grab your ankles.

Good. Really good.
Ok, that's good.

What is this, yoga?

Uh, yeah. Sure. Whatever.

Turn around.

Really good.

Kimberlee, any word down there?

Not a thing, 'Maica.

Look, why don't you guys
try manual override.


Brandy, what are you doing here

in that tight little
cheerleader outfit

with cotton panties to match.

I have a question for you.

Will you go to the prom with me?

Oh, Brandy. You're a fine girl.

What a good date you would be,

but I can't go with you.

Oh, I get it. You think I'm just

some dumb blonde cheerleader?

Why does everyone
always think that?

Don't get me wrong.
We'd have fun.

We'd probably get ripped
on caffeinated ecola,

and maybe I'd end up
in your backseat...

Our firm young bodies
exploding with passion.

Then why won't you go?

Because I'm bad news, baby.

I'll break your heart.

But, Parker!

Shh. Baby, it wouldn't work out.

Hey, Billy.

Uh, do I know you?

What are you doing?

Working on my computer.

Very interesting...

You little bastard. Huh?

You're a loser,
aren't you, Billy?

I gotta get to class.

I'm onto you, Billy.

I'm your best nightmare!


Go for Kimberlee.

Kimberlee, I've got good
news, and I've got bad news.

What is it, Notch?

I may be wrong, but I
think we found our man.

Oh, that's great!
What's the bad news?

I've got this killer
algebra test tomorrow,

and I'm all stressed out.

Uh, puff, what's big,
black, and rock hard?

Baby, this ain't no time
for no Booty call.

No, I'm talkin' about
that big ass rock.

Jamaica, that
wouldn't be a rock,

that would be an asteroid.

Ohh, I don't wanna die.

I don't wanna die.
I don't wanna die.

B.J. Goes down in history

Kimberlee, you've
gotta do something.

Try to hang on, Jamaica.

I'm gonna call Notch.


Go for Notch.

Notch, you've got to hurry.

Jamaica's headed
for an asteroid.

Ooh, those can be painful.
Tell her to apply ointment

and no more lingering
when she makes her business.

No, Notch. I mean
a giant meteor.

Oh. Well, don't worry.
This guy Billy is our man.

I found his permanent record...

You know they really
have those, Kimberlee...

And he fits the profile.

I can't wait to get my
hands on that young boy.


Come on, B.J. I need you.

Hold on, cowboy.

I'm getting my hernia examined.

For the 100th time,
Ellen, you're ok.


Aah! Damn.

There he is!

Let's beat him off at the pass.


Aah! Ohh!


Excuse me. Make way.
Excuse me. Excuse me.

What is going on he?

He started it!

It's ok, miss hot teacher.

I'm a lifeguard...

And I'm not really 16 years old.

I'm in my mid-to-late twenties.

Well, what did Billy do?

Billy hacked
into the masa computer

and took over the space shuttle.

Hey, that's nice.

He can actually do that?

Wait a second.

Do you know what's gonna
happen to this young man?

But I didn't do anything.

And a pope doesn't
go kaka in the woods.

Billy, your face is gonna
be on ever TV newscast

and every magazine cover
in the country,

forever known as the kid genius

who outsmarted the brightest
computer minds in the world.

Yeah, that's pretty cool. Yeah.

In that case, I did do it. Yeah.

No, you didn't. I did!

You? You're just a cheerleader.

That's exactly why I did it.

I'm sick of everyone thinking
I'm just another pretty face.

I want people to
respect me for my mind.

You make me sick.

So, Billy, you didn't do it?


Well, Brandy, if you did do it,

you're gonna go de-do it.

Ok, Brandy.

Let's see what those
magic fingers can do.


Ok, I'm into the system.

You better hurry!

We're about to become
space dust.

Oh, god!

Oh, no.

Jamaica's gonna die.

Girl, I can hear you
on the intercom.

What I meant was,
everything's gonna be ok,

but if not...

Can I have your
cashmere sweater?

Chip, I know you're
trying to improve

the image of the German people,

but I cannot afford
another embarrassment.

Mayor, this is like attacking
Russia in the winter.

It cannot fail.

I'm gonna to do something nice

for kids with attention
deficit disorder.

Hmm. That sounds incent enough.

I'm starting a day camp

where these children
can lean how to focus.

Chip, that actually
sounds like a good idea.

Ladies and gentlemen...

To help bring an end to A.D.D.,

I give you Chip Rommel's...

Concentration camp.

My god, this is
terrible. Oh, no!

Come on, kids.
Let's go. Let's go.

Out to the parking lot.
Let's go.

What did I say?

I'm so sorry.

Ok, I think this code
will deactivate the virus.

Well? Well?

Wait. No!

We've regained control
of the shuttle.

Ohh! Yes!

Hey, hey! Watch
where you're driving!


Hey, hey. Ain't
nothin' but a thang.


Ohh, Jamaica's saved.

Whoo! Yes! Ha ha ha!

Well, Brandy. Looks
like you're the big hero.

Now take her away, fellas.

Come on, young lady.
You're coming with us.

I'll see you in 5 years, Notch.

Until then, she's all mine.


I also work as a substitute
prison matron.

That was one close encounter.

Speaking of which...

Hey, puff, watch those controls.

You don't wanna
enter a black hole.

Don't worry, Notch.

I'm just gonna show
her my moon rocks.

Oh, yeah?
Well, screw you, mister.

'Maica, I can't tell you
how nice it feels

to have you back in my unit.

I couldn't have done it
without you guys.

Ha ha.

And now professor
Milosevic's been reactivated.

I've never felt more alive.

Look at me.

Hey, has anyone seen Chip?

I think he's hanging out

with some of his new friends.

I am so sorry.

Oh, hi, teens.
Notch Johnson here.

Tonight's show
was about hernias.

It's very important

to examine yourself
for hernias often.

I started at the age of 13

while watching an episode

of Gilligan’s Island.

Mary Ann was bent over

churning some butter,

and suddenly I felt the urge

to examine myself.

Soon thereafter,

I started examining myself

several times a day,

while watching shows like

wonder woman...

Charlie's angels...

And of course, bonanza.

So now I think it's time

for you teens at home

to take a whack at it,

and here to help us

is our wrap-up girl
Michelle. Hi, Michelle.

Hi, Notch.

So, Michelle, what do you

have in mind for us today?

Well, I have a bunch
of exercises,

but first I need
to put some lotion on.

Well, thanks, Michelle,
that was terrific.

Mmm. What about the exercises?

Oh, I think we're
way beyond that.

So until next time,
this is Notch Johnson