Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 2, Episode 1 - B.J. Blue Hawaii - full transcript



I got some wonderful news.

I thought I told you
never to interrupt us.

I know, but my old friend,
Notch Johnson...

he's being honored by Hawaiian Tropic...

for his work against sunburn
and freckling.

What does that have to do with me?

Him and his crew
and the mayor of his village...

they're all coming here to Hawaii.

We're gonna get a visit from Notch.

You fool! You must call him
right now and stop him!

If I know Notch,
he's already packed, ready to go.

And singing.


Dreams come true

It happens daily

Just keep your eye on the mahimahi

Mine's so near

I can hear the ukulele

Aloha, blue Hawaii

So grab your suitcase

Leave room for a muumuu

Let's head out for the dock

Bring extra thongs
and some magazines

And don't forget your cuckoo clock

Viva blue Hawaii

Water serene

I'm so stoked
that I could dive in the Pacific

And turn blue Hawaii green

Palm trees swayin'

Torrid breezes

Scary insects

Native diseases

Play on a gourd with hoi polloi

Swingin' in a hammock
and gaggin' on poi

Viva blue Hawaii

Dune buggy drive

Share a Maui onion
with McGarrett and Magnum

And Jim Nabors if he's still alive

Molokai, Lanai, Kauai

Wowie, zowie, let's hit Maui

Papaya, guava, Kona, java

Oahu! Gesundheit! Molten lava!

Viva blue Hawaii

Rainbow round the sun

We're so jazzed
we're hangin' a hundred

And the luau's only just begun


Tonight's episode:

CNN projects Son of the Beach...

as the 43rd President
of the United States.

Yo! We are far from the hood.

That's right, gang. We are in Hawaii...

at the beautiful Hotel Wannalaimee.

This is even prettier
than a pearl necklace.

Mmm. Smells better, too.

Hey, isn't this Hawaiian Punch?

Man, I haven't had this stuff
since my last visit to the island.

But, Notch, you can
get Hawaiian Punch anywhere.

But it's not fresh, like it is here.

Here's everyone's luggage.

Aloha, you!

I'm Jerry Agfay.

Are you here
for Sigfried and Roy's wedding?

Everyone's coming.

No. I'm not here for the wedding.

I'm the best man.
Ask anyone.

Sure you don't want to join in?

No. Thanks.

Ok. Well, if you change your mind,
it's in the blue ballroom.

Just give a knock.
You can slip in the back door.

Wow! Ten thousand bones!

Ooh, think how many lottery tickets
I could buy!

Ten thousand dollars!

Think how much money I could buy!

Beauty contests are so tacky!

Yeah. And biodegradable to women.

Good to the last drop.

Hey, Kimberlee, I'm going up the road
to visit an old friend.

A real Hawaiian king.
You want to join me?

Sure, Notch. I had no idea
you knew Hawaiian royalty.

You'll love him.
His name is King Kumonya.

King Kumonya?

Aha, Notch!
Hoo ha! Oh!

Long time.
Must be 10 years, huh?

Look at you!
You've lost so much weight!

You no longer need a bra.

Oh, your overbite came in nicely.

By the way,
how are the hemorrhoids?

I just saw them in Florida.

They send their regards.

Hey, I want you
to meet Kimberlee Clark.

She's my number two.

Ah, Kimberlee, aloha.
Nice to meet you.

Oh, nice to meet you, King.

Wow, with all the Rolls Royces
in your driveway...

your macadamia farm
must be doing really well.

Business has been good
since my daughter took over. Ahem.

Yeah, you must be selling your nuts
by the sack full.

Well, I...

Kimberlee, the king has got the biggest,
most tender nuts on the island.

Uh, Notch...

As a child I'd spend hours
sucking on the king's nuts.

I'd roll them around in my mouth, and...


You know what, Kimberlee? It's strange.
His nuts are hard, yet juicy.

Notch, OK. I've got it.

No, Kimberlee. It's true.

Nothing would
give me more pleasure...

than watching Notch
stuffing my nuts into his mouth.

What was that?!


Excuse me?

Gas escaping from Maheinie.

See, Kimberlee,
Mount Maheinie is the island's...

largest, most active volcano.

That sounds dangerous.

Only if you piss her off.

Yeah. Let's just say...

you don't want to be around...

when Maheinie explodes.

Hello, roomie.

Frau Mayor.!
What are you doing here?

You must be in the wrong room.

Which side of the bed
do you want, Chipper?

Top or bottom?

Boy, have I got news for you.

Yo, I got news for you, too!

- OK, you first.
- No. You first.

I entered
the Miss Hawaiian Tropic contest!

You did what?

I entered
the Miss Hawaiian Tropic contest!

Oh... great.

I'm so grateful
you showed up at this time.

I desperately need to talk to you.

Father, I see your guests have arrived.

Yeah, uh, this is Notch Johnson...

and his friend Kimberlee Clark.

My daughter Rucy Roo.

Ah, the famous Notch Johnson.

Aloha, Rucy.

Any chance we could get a tour
of your beautiful macadamia fields?

No one is permitted
to wander in the fields.

Well, surely I...

No! No one.

Oh. Well, no problem.

Kimberlee and I
have to go back to the hotel...

to meet some friends for lunch anyway.

So, maybe we'll do this again sometime.

A splendid idea.

King, aloha.


Well, good-bye.

Hey, Rucy Roo is nice, isn't she?

They want a tour of our fields?

He's just here to snoop around!

Notch Johnson is like
a foster child to me.

He fought in our revolution
to win Hawaiian statehood.

That's your history, old man!
Not mine!

This plantation is making millions...

now that I'm growing marijuana, cocaine,
hashish, crack, and methadone.

For all I know,
this Notch Johnson is a D.E.A. agent.

I'm going to do some investigating...

but if this Johnson comes back...

kill him!

I want you to win
the Hawaiian Tropic contest.

No, but I want you to win.

Maybe we should both just drop out.

Or we both could just stay entered.

Yeah! I mean, it's not like we're
taking this contest thing seriously.

Of course not!

We're still gonna be best friends...

because we are best friends.

Chip, this is ridiculous.

You've been in there forever.

If you're gonna take a shower,
let me join you.

But I wasn't taking a shower.

I was taking a sh...

Shut the door!

What died in there?


Chip, can I borrow your robe?

It's all that I'm wearing.

I know.

I'm gonna get you!

Oh, no, you're not.

Oh, yes, I am!

Mayor, how many times
do I have to tell you?

I'm not interested.


But I don't understand.

No man turns me down.

I do everything.
And I do mean everything.

It's not your fault, Mayor.

It's just that I'm a...

I'm a Nancy boy...

a schnitzel smuggler.

You're gay?

So that's why
you've always resisted me.

You told me they were simple farmers.

Simple farmers
don't have five Rolls Royces.

I think you're being too hard
on Rucy Roo.

Why don't we talk about it
after the 11:45 poi-eating contest?

You know there's one every 15 minutes.

Rucy Roo!

Why, herro.
I mean, hello.

Notch Johnson. Uh, you're probably
wondering why I'm here.

Oh, I know why you're here.

You do?

You're not the first woman
to slip into my room...

with the hope of... seducing me.


I'm here to seduce you.

Better women have tried.

But so far, none have succeeded.

Oh, sure. Many women
have done what you've done...

just now, and many wear
a beautiful black bra...

just like yours.

And yes, some even wear
a thong panty to match.

But that doesn't mean
I give in to their temptation.

I will not succu... succu...

succu... succu... succummmb!

Oh! Oh!

Ah... oh!

Ah ha ha ha ha.

Like I said,
I guess it's just not in the cards.

Now, if you'll excuse me...

you need to get home,
and, uh, I need a cigarette.

What is this?

What does this mean?

It means Rucy Roo has brought...

great danger to the farm.

I fear for my life.

Kimberlee, open up quickly!
It's a code seven!

Notch, what's going on?

And... why are you wearing a sheet?

Kimberlee, you wouldn't believe
what I found in my shorts.

King Kumonya must have
slipped me this note!

He's in great danger
because of his own daughter...

Rucy Roo.

I knew it!
I never trusted that Rucy.

I'm going back to the plantation.

But, Notch, it could be dangerous.
I'll go with you.

No. You stay here.

If I'm not back
by the 3:15 poi-eating contest...

You know,
there's one every 15 minutes...

Send help.

These aren't macadamia nuts!

This is marriageuana!

Pot! Grass! Mary Ann!

The professor!

They're cocaine plants, Johnson.

You are a naughty little girl!

If I was your father...

I would rip off
that black thong underwear of yours...

I would take my hand...

and I would
spank your smooth bottom until I...

Ahh... ah...

ohh... ohh...

oh... oh.

Aw, Notch.
I'm so sorry.

I tried to warn you.
My daughter, she...

I love Rucy, but I'm so ashamed.

It's not your fault, King Kumonya.

That rumble mean...

Maheinie's gonna blow.

Look at me! I am so gay!

I'm as queer
as half a Deutschmark.

the 3:15 poi-eating contest...

is about to begin.

Hey, get out of the way!

Oh, sorry!


Oh, girl.

B.J., I know you're gonna win
that Hawaiian Tropic contest.

No. You're going to win.

Hey, Beej.

You want me to put some of that
Hawaiian Tropic suntan oil on your body?

Sure! Thanks, 'Maica.

Hey, what are friends for?

This'll give you a little extra color.

Yeah, let's get some of this
on your back...

your arms, mm-hmm.

'Maica, what a great new bikini.

Ooh, girl, that's the suit
I'm gonna wear in the contest.

Oh, really?
Good choice.


'Scuse me. Uh, Mr. Guard?

There's somebody coming up the hill.

Ha ha!
Good work, Kimberlee!

You see, King?
I told you she'd come.

Welcome to my luau, Kimberlee.

Uh, Mayor?

I'm so sorry you must be leaving.

Well, since we're not going to be
doing the horizontal hula...

there's no use
in me hanging around here.

That's right, seeing that I'm gay.

What a waste.

I'm out of here.

Well, ta-ta.

Chip, I couldn't help
hearing your conversation...

with that annoying
yet tastefully coifed woman.

Yeah, she was all over my ass.

Hmm. Penny for my thoughts?

Nein! Nicht! No!

You don't understand.
I like girls.

Oh, you like girls!

You've got to meet my friend Beverly.

She's perfect for you!

- Really?
- Yeah.

Danke schoen, Herr homo.

No problem.


Bitte schoen, Beverly.

What's a nice girl like you
doing in a place like this?

And now for our next contestant,
from Malibu Adjacent, California...

B.J. Cummings!

And our next contestant...

also from Malibu Adjacent...

Miss Jamaica St. Croix.

You did this to me!

I look like a rare piece of meat!

Well, look at me!
I got more scratch...

than a pimp on Friday night!

Well, it looks like these two...

are about to get into
an oil wrestling match.

I can only imagine
what that would be like.

Look what's become
of my beautiful daughter.

I'm so ashamed.

Shut up, old man!

If it wasn't for me, you'd be
selling your nuts out on the street.

What's wrong with the life
of a dirt farmer?

The gods planned it like this,
you know.

You stupid fool. Your gods
are nothing but fairy tales.

No talk that way.

You upset the volcano.

Rucy, do you really expect
to get away with this?

No, Miss Clark.
I expect you to die.

Kill them!

Oh, my God!
Maheinie's erupting!


We got to run for our lives.

My money!

My money's hidden
in the equipment shed!

No! Rucy, don't do it!

You're running right into Maheinie!

Come. We gotta go. Now! Now!

Oh! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!


Oh, I'm melting!

Aah! I'm melting!

Aah! Aah!

Well, I guess I'll never be able...

to say those words to her again...

"Rucy, I'm home."

It's a shame. She was such
a beautiful young woman.

And now, she's just a piece of ash.

Now, gang, I cannot tolerate
competition within the unit.

So I want to see you two
kiss and make up.

- Aah!
- Ohh.

Maybe you could just shake hands.

Hey, everyone!

I'd like you all
to meet someone very special to me.

It's my new girlfriend Beverly.

Nice to meet... ahem!

'Scuse me.

It's a pleasure to meet you all.

Chip talks about you all the time.

Let's go.

Some guys have all the luck, huh?

Oh, hi, teens!
Notch Johnson.

As you can tell,
I'm still here in beautiful Hawaii.

That's Diamond Head behind me.

But speaking of heads...

tonight's show
was about a dangerous new drug...

that's been popping up lately.

It's called marijuana.

You've probably never heard of it...

because your federal government
has done such a good job...

keeping it out of the country
and off the streets.

But I've been able to round up...

pretty much
the last remaining Mary Jo left.

And... I’m gonna destroy it right now.

So you should thank
your federal govermen-ment...

for all the work they...

Did I... did I say

That's very funny.

Anyway, you should thank
your federal governmen-ment...

for working...

and for floating...

on a beautiful cloud
that's shaped like a dinosaur.

what was I saying?

I don't care.

until next time,
this is Notch Johnson saying...


Viva blue Hawaii

Rainbow round the sun

We're so jazzed
we're hangin' a hundred

And the luau's only just begun