Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 1, Episode 7 - Eat My Muffin - full transcript

After making an error at work, a vulnerable B.J. is tricked into joining a cult by The Divine Rod and his mind-altering bran muffins. Meanwhile, Chip trains Jamaica for a tetherball tournament.


Come on, Chip!




Eh heh.

- All right!
- All right!


- All right.
- Whoo!

Ha ha ha!




Wow, the way
you two play,

we are a cinch to win
the Tetherball Amateur Tournament.

Uh, no, Kimberlee.
That's the T.A.T.

This is the "Tetherball
Invitational Tournament."


People always
confuse tit for tat.

All I know is this should be
the biggest T.I.T. Ever.

And don't forget about the pair
of T.I.T.s we already have.

Yeah. Ha ha!


Help! Help me!

Somebody help me! Aah!

I'm drowning!

Man going down!
I'm coming! I'm coming!

Help! Help!
Somebody help me!

Ah! Help!

I got him!
I got him!

All right!

All right!

I got him.

B.J., where's
the rest of him?


No implants
were harmed during the filming

of Son of the Beach.

I've blown a lot
of things in my life,

but never a save.

B.J., the man
is alive and well.

Only after you
saved him.

You've got to get
your mind off it.

Let's try again.

Why didn't you save me?!
I almost died!



I know you're upset,

but I need you in top form
to win the tournament.

Forget it, Chip.

I'm a loser.

B.J., can I see you
for a minute?

Have a seat.

B.J., even I
once blew a save.


Stand up, would you?

A man fell off a boat.

I swam out to save him...

but I didn't get there in time.

But this story
has a happy ending

because that man
was a personal injury attorney.

So nobody really cared.

Thanks, but it doesn't
make the pain go away.

Oh! Notch...

give her
a little time.

I know. I just really
need to go to the bathroom.


Anybody home?

Well, if it isn't the mayor
of Beverly Hills adjacent...

Edward James Almost.

I'm still waiting
for that call from, uh...

let's see... last year.

Oh, come on, Anita,
we got carried away.

You know how those adjacent cities
conventions are.

Well, I'll get my revenge

when my team kicks
your team's ass in tetherball.

Ooh... you seem cocky.

I am the one
with 2 blue balls.

T.I.T. Champs
2 years in a row.

It's a new year,
and I've got a new team.

Want to make it interesting?

Ooh, a bet.

But not for money.

The loser has to perform
an embarrassing act in public,

determined by the winner.

Why would we
want to do that?

Listen, Almost...

nobody takes
Anita Massengil to bed,

makes her dress like a Catholic
school girl, and then doesn't call.

I want you to be
as humiliated as I was.

Well, I am so confident
in my team,

I'll take that bet.

Has this little exchange
turned you on

as much as it has me?

Mount me, Monsignor.

Bless you, my child.

Oh! Oh!


B.J. Cummings,
is that you?

Tiffany Amber, I haven't seen you
since spokesmodel college.

These days I go
by the name Vega,

and I'm not a spokesmodel

But you
were so successful

in those moist and fresh
feminine hygiene commercials.

I know, but one day,
it all dried up.

I'm so sorry.

Don't be.

I turned my life around.

I wish that
could happen to me.

What's wrong? I thought you were
doing great as a lifeguard.

I was till about
a half hour ago.

I blew a save.

And now
I feel worthless,

like there's this...
hole in me.

When I was down, I met this
spiritual man who changed my life.

Hey, he's holding
a meeting right now.

Do you wanna go?


Maybe he
can fill my hole.

Harken unto me,

as Abraham said to Abacus,

"Back awayeth
from the lamb..."

for she is the one
to be spared."

B.J., this
is our leader...

The Divine Rod.

Please, call me Divine.

Tell me, B. J...

are you familiar
with Scripture?

I am, but my handwriting's

I usually print.

B.J., I have been chosen by God

to communicate with mortals
here on Earth.

Wait a minute.

I think he's calling me now.

God says, "The lifeguard known as B.J.
Nearly killed one of my flock.

"All will be forgiven

if she devotes her life
to Kingdom Come."

So you see, B.J.,

the choice is in thine hands.


I think so.


who's this guy "thine"?

Jamaica, I keep telling you.

All you have to do
is slap the ball

hanging from the pole!

Yo, if you don't back off,

I will show you
how well I slap balls.

Here we... we take care
of each other.

We do everything

shower together,
sleep together.

Well, what's that like?

That sounds wonderful.

I never knew
I could be happy in a home

that wasn't on wheels.

But why are
there cameras all over?

We protect ourselves
with those cameras,

and those guns.

Will ya take a look
at that rack?

Uh, tell me, B. J...

are you hungry?

How would you like...

a nice, warm muffin?


I love eating muffins.



Eh heh heh.

Shut up, fool!

Shut up, fool!

I ain't down
with your game no more.

You can take your ball
and your pole

and shove it up your...

Knock it off, you two!

We got a real problem.

B.J.'s missing.

We've looked everywhere.

She hasn't even been
back to her trailer.

Shut your cakeholes,

Look who's
coming this way.

Where have you
been, B.J.?

My name is no longer B.J.

It's Milky Way.

Milky Way?

Like the nougat and caramel-filled
chocolate treat?

No. I'm a member
of Kingdom Come,

where we're all
named after stars.

This is my sister Vega...

and this is Big Dipper.

So, B. J... I mean... Milky Way,

will your new sisters be staying
to watch tetherball practice?

No. I'm going to be living
in a different universe.

You sound crazy, girl.

Are you on the pipe?

B.J., let's talk.


See, Milky Way, they don't
want you to be happy.

You should
really join.

All pleasure, no pain,
and really great muffins.

Did you see the glazed look
in her eyes?

I think B.J.'s
joined a cult.

She could be in
for life.

With one of those
punk-ass brothers

who make 'em trip on
that funked-up Kool-Aid.

Ja! Or make them
wear brown shirts

and obey
satellite nations.

Not so fast. B.J. Cummings
is not joining a cult.

I don't care if it's the Moonies,
the Hare Krishnas,

or L. Ron what's-his-name,
the guy who wrote Diuretics.

She's a part
of our family,

and she's never,
ever leaving!

Never! Ever!

I want my B.J.!
I want my B.J.!

- I want my B.J.!
- Guys!

Guys, guys, guys,
I hate to tell you this,

but B.J. Is a lifeguard.

- Aw!
- Come on!

Notch, now, I've done
a little digging.

Listen to this...

"The Divine Rod,
whose real name is Rod Petrie,

"is a Vietnam vet turned
postal worker, turned day trader

"and was originally
the fourth dog

in the group
Three Dog Night."

Three Dog Night?
I love those guys.


the name of this guy's
cult is Kingdom Come,

but it's
not really a cult.

It's a triple X-rated
pornographic website,

where viewers pay to watch the girls
bathe and shower and have sex

with this Divine Rod.

Oh, good golly!
Look what they're doing now!

they're eating muffins.


Oh, right, yeah.

Hmm... you know,

cults sometimes put
mind-controlling drugs in the food.

Hey, look!

We accept Visa, Mastercard,
and fun-pack value coupons.

Aw, damn it!
I feel so helpless.

All she wanted to be
was a virgin for her husband,

to keep her
precious hymen intact.

I understand.

Closed for business.
No entry.

The airtight lid
sealed for freshness.


Kimberlee, somehow we have to
find a way to get in there

and sniff around.


I just got an idea.

Oh! Ah!

What's your problem?

I can't decide what embarrassing thing
I'll want you to do.

So, not only did my boyfriend
leave me for someone else,

he left me for another man.

We'll rake in a fortune the night
I bang her on the Internet. Heh-ho.

"Hark!" As Thelonius
said to the monk,

"Thou shalt not lie down
with thine own gender

"or thou will
wakest up sore,

liked a bruised fruit."

What does that mean?

It means that fate
took your boyfriend...

so that you could
serve a higher purpose.


And that would be you?

And Kingdom Come.

you look hungry.

How about a nice,
warm muffin?

Oh... ooh...
that looks good.


Tasty, too.

Would you mind if I
used your bathroom?

All that bran.

Oh! Oh.

Oh, thank you.

Big Dipper, go and get her.

She came out through
the bathroom window.





- Aah!
- Ooh! Ah!










Ha ha! Nice work, Kimberlee.

But something about you
is different.

It's probably the mud.


But look, this is what
Rod's using to drug the girls.

Now, if we can find out
what's in these,

maybe we can stop him.

Of course.

I've got it.

there's only one person

who can analyze stuff
like nobody's business.

Professor Milosevic?

I am proud to announce

I have finally come out
of the closet.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha... whew...

Welcome to the
Tetherball Invitational Tournament.

Players from all over the world

have brought their tethered balls
to Malibu adjacent.

Here's the team from France.

Here's team Micronesia.

And from the state of Idaho.

We have to hurry!

B.J.'s going to be
deflowered in 2 hours.

Can we do anything
to help you?

Kimberlee, to conduct
an accurate analysis,

I will need to
eat your muffin.

But, Professor,
you hardly know her.

Notch, I'm talking
about the pastry

she has
in her pants.

Here it is.

Place it in
the food absorption bag

on the back of my chair.

No! No! Wrong bag!

Step away from the bag!

Trust me, you don't
want to open that one

unless you
want to brown-bag it.

Ha ha ha ha.

from Malibu adjacent,

Chip Rommel and
last-minute substitution,

Jamaica St. Croix.

- Aw!
- Oh, no.



It seems this muffin is loaded
with ethyl dioxychloride.

how would this affect someone?

It would make them
really horny.

Well, Doc, do you
have an anecdote?


A minister, a priest,
and a rabbi went into a bar

and asked for...

No. No, no, no, no.
Not an anecdote.

An antidote.

Oh, why didn't you say so?

We are one.

We are one.

We are one.

We are one.

We are one.

We are one.

We are one.

Even against Micronesia,

Chip Rommel
and Jamaica St. Croix

are coming up short.

We are one.

We are one.

We are one.

That's far enough,
cult leader!

Shooh shooh
shooh shooh shooh!




I'm gonna get you.

he's got a gun!


That's it, Milky Way.

Shoot him. Shoot him!

Beej, it's me...
Notch, your friend.

Remember B.J.
And Johnson...

they go together.

Don't listen to him.
Shoot him!

B.J., you look tired.

How about some nice,
cold water?


What are you
waiting for?

Shoot him!


Oh, I will obey.

And by the way, Rod,

the name's B.J.

Ha ha! All right!

Welcome back, B.J.

No, Milky Way,
you're just confused.

Now I remember.

I came to you
because I felt lost.

I trusted you to help me!

But instead, you
wanted to break my seal.

B.J., shooting Rod won't get you
anything but life behind bars.

Yeah, in one of those female prisons
with a really butch head guard

who has a lot of facial hair
and carries a billy club.

- Notch.
- She'll use that billy club on ya,

and when you go to the warden,
she'll say you fell off your bicycle.

- Notch! Notch!
- And if that's not enough...


he didn't...
Rod didn't...

No. No, he didn't.

Nobody messed
with Mr. In-Between.

Yeah. Well, I would've,

if it weren't
for you pesky lifeguards!

Malibu adjacent
is down 14 to zero.

It looks like
Beverly Hills adjacent

will be holding that blue ball
in their hands very soon.

Anita, you will
be a laughingstock

when you see what I've
got planned for you.

Johnson, I am about to lose
a very embarrassing bet.

Where the hell is B.J.?

She's right here.

- Yay!
- Whoo!

B.J. Cummings
is in for Jamaica St. Croix!

And just listen
to the crowd.

I'm telling you, this girl
has quite a cult following.

Oh. Mmm...
may I try one?







I have never
seen such a comeback

in all my years
of announcing tetherball.

Because of B.J.,

this one's sure to be called
"The Miracle in Malibu Adjacent."



Yip! Yahoo!

R-r-r-r... yeow!

R-r-r-r... yip-ooh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Gee, and I was just gonna
ask her to wear funny shoes.


Oh, hi, teens.

Notch Johnson here.

Tonight's show
is about hair loss.

You know, humans are always
shedding hair

and not just
from their head.

Many people suffer
from the heartbreak

of what doctors call
a receding pubic hairline.

I admit I'm one of them.

That's why I got together
with the folks

at Notch Johnson Laboratories

to develop the Notch Johnson
Big Boy Merkin.

Full, thick,

and you know something?

The ladies
like it, too.

Hi, Notch.

I love your
phony pubic hair.

Thanks, ma'am.

So until next time,
this is Notch Johnson

saying, "Ride the big one."