Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 1, Episode 6 - Fanny and the Professor - full transcript

The heat wave continues
with 125-degree temperatures...

turning Malibu Adjacent
into a virtual ghost town.

But it's a balmy
95 degrees at the beach...

making it the most crowded
place on the planet.

Back away from the beach.

Back away from the beach.

The beach is full. Go home.

No one else will be allowed in.
No one. No exceptions.

How about me, Notch?

- Oh, hi, Chappy. Come on in.
- Thank you.

Come on, come on.
Give the man some room.

Hey, how come some bum
gets in and we don't?

He's not a bum.
He's Homeless Chappy.

I've known Notchie here since he was
knee-high to a shopping cart.

This beach is Chappy's home
and his bathroom.

Notch. Notch.

This situation's
out of control.

We've got victims
of heatstroke, sunstroke.

Jamaica and me just saved
a family of 5 from a shark attack.

How are they do...
How are they doing?

They're gonna have
some nasty nicknames
when they get back to school.

Notch. Looks like we have
some reinforcements coming. Look.

They're wearing our uniforms...

but I didn't hire them.

If you didn't hire them, who did?


Mayor Massengil.
You hired them?

Yes, and they're not your reinforcements.
They're your replacements.

You're all fired.


Tonight's episode...

Son of the Beach is shot on
a film-like substance.

Currently, it's 125 in the city...

95 at the beach and
in beautiful downtown...

Notch, let me ax you this.
Have we been axed?

I'm afraid so, Jamaica.

I can't believe I've been 69'd.

Uh, I think you mean 86'd.

Yeah, that, too.

Ah. It's the SPF gang.

Say hello and good-bye
to your replacements.

Julia, Louise and Dreyfuss.

Wow. You three look so much alike,
you could be twins.

But Frau mayor, how are these...

little liebchens
better than us?

They're stronger, cheaper,
and more efficient.

We'll be saving lives and money.

With all due respect, I don't think
you're allowed to fire us...

without giving us a chance to compete
against the new guards.

Check your contracts, cutie.

Well, it just so happens
I carry a copy with me.

I keep meaning to
straighten this out.

Here it is.

Read it for yourself, Mayor.

It's right there
in brown and yellow.

I'll take your word for it.

So, you want a contest?

My girls will eat you for lunch.

Oh, yeah? Well,
I'll eat your girls for breakfast.

Come on, girls.

All right. We've heard
the challenge.

Now I've got one for you.
I want the four of you...

to exercise
like there's no tomorrow.

If you work really hard...

maybe one day you'll have
a body like this.

Now, let's get sweaty.

Johnson, it's time.

OK. It's exactly two miles
from here to Point Down.

I guarantee you, my three girls
will finish the relay race...

before even one of you finishes.

Yeah, right.

Ready. Set...
Oh, did I mention?

They're robots.

- What?
- Robots?

- Go. Come on.
- Go, go, go! Move!

Go, Notch, go.

I just dropped in to tell you guys...

I'm gonna miss you a lot.


Uh, excuse me.
I've got to take a whizz.

The little boys' room is over there.

That's OK. I'm finished.

See ya.

- Bye.
- Peace.

- Ew.
- Yo, Chief. You look bent.

What's cracking?

I'm not sure, but I think
I'm having a thought.

Oh, I get those once in a while.
They usually pass.

No, no. This one's telling me
the mayor is not in this by herself.

Those robots are too perfect.

No, this has to be the work
of some sort of evil genius.

Flattery will get you everywhere,
Notch Johnson.


That's Professor Milosevic.

Notch Johnson, you made me
the way I am today.

You are about to learn
that payback is a bitch.


Good gravy. The last time I saw you...

you wouldn't have even made
a good sofa cushion.

Yes, but look at me now...

brimming with vim and vigor.

How do you like my cyber bitches?

They took me years to build.

All that time and energy just
to build mechanical lifeguards?

They are the first members
of an entire race...

of perfect robotic women.

A perfect race?

Yo, Chief. Where do you know
this bionic homeboy from?

Jamaica, this man was once...

Malibu Adjacent's greatest lifeguard.

He taught me everything I know.

And then... I ruined his life.

Yes. Thanks to him, I am now
part human and part Pentium 3...

with a 550 megahertz processor...

a lithium ion battery...

and built-in DVD ROM.

Can you girls imagine
what it feels like...

to have batteries inside you?

Do not feel bad.
Today I consider myself...

the luckiest man in the universe.

For I am replacing Notch Johnson
as chief lifeguard.

Now, get out of my headquarters.

So long, Johnson.
Do not forget to E-mail.

Notch, was the professor guy...

telling the truth,
or was he not telling a lie?

It's not neither.
Let me tell you what happened.

It was a long time ago,
I believe, in 1998.

Back then, his name
was Duke Milosevic.

We were the best of buds.

Did everything together.

Until one day,
we were out for a sail.

It was a day just like today...

except it was gusty, overcast,
and 25 degrees cooler.

Everything was perfect, until...

out of nowhere, the weather
started getting bad.

The sailboat was tossed.

If it wasn't for the daring of
our courageous crew...

that sailboat would have been lost.

The boat rocked until Duke was
hanging off the side.

I held on to him
as long as I could...

but I must have
put on too much sunblock...

because my hand was slippery.

I lost him.

And then one day,
his body washed up on shore...

alive, but lifeless.


Oh, Notch. I'm so sorry.

I tried to save him.
I really did.


Um... Notch?

People think I'm perfect.

My body superhuman, but it's not.

Damn. How nasty.

Uh, Notch?


Oh, thanks, B.J.,
but it's not your fault. It's mine.


Notch, we're your friends.
We feel your pain.

OK, thank you. Thank you.

I'm fine. I'm fine. I can't even
remember why I was upset.

Well, all I know is that we're
much more smarter than some robots.

Well, sure we are. You'll see.

Before you know it,
we'll all have jobs.

Yeah. We'll get new jobs. Trust me.

Everything's gonna be just fine.

It looks like another scorcher
here in Malibu Adjacent.

Temperatures of 125
in the city, 95 at the beach.

Ah. Boy, I had
the craziest dream last night.

Hey, what are my pants doing
around my ankles?

Oh, yes. Daddy like.
Touch my mouth, Louise. Touch it.

That's it. I can see God.

I am getting tingly in the left part
of my body that still has sensation.

Oh, yes.
I am going to empty my recycle bin.

Anyone home?

One moment, please. Julia,
grab a moist towelette.

It's clean-up time.
Enter and sign in, please.

Greetings, Mayor.

Good news, Professor.
Governor Thomas has just confirmed...

he'll be here tomorrow morning.

Splendid. Our dreams
will be fully realized.

Yes. When he sees
how effective these robots are...

he'll offer me that
lieutenant governorship...

so fast, your head will...

stay just the way it is.

And I will be the exclusive supplier
of all beach personnel...

making me the number one lifeguard
in the universe.

That's right. Well,
see you tomorrow morning.

Just pray it does not
exceed 100 degrees Fahrenheit.

Why is that?

Because the robots
have not been tested...

above that temperature.

Listen, Ironsides.

If something goes wrong tomorrow...

if those robots
don't perform perfectly...

I'll rip that joystick of yours out...

and shove it up your "A" drive.

And wipe that stupid look
off your face.

There he is.

Notch Johnson. Is that you?

I used to be Notch Johnson.

Notch, get it together.

Look, there's a chance we could get
our lifeguard jobs back.

Not me. All I do is blow jobs.

Notch, what's the matter with you?

Snap out of it!

Ah, forget it. I'm useless.

Ooh! I'm a loser, honey.
Just kill me, why don't you?


Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thanks for trying.

Notch, you don't understand.

This whole thing was set up so
the mayor can be lieutenant governor...

and Milosevic can rule
the world's beaches.

Yeah, Milosevic
had me thrown off my own beach.

He told me I was a bum.

Oh, Chappy.
You may look like a bum...

but trust me, you're a derelict.

Thank you.

Milosevic, you bionic son of a bastard.

Chappy, you're going home so you can
live out your days in homelessness.

Governor Thomas, you are about
to see an amazing show.

Well, I just hope
I don't get heat stroke.

You know, I don't
have a lieutenant governor.

Oh, that's right.
I'd completely forgotten.

Governor, this is
Professor Milosevic...

the genius who's been working
with me on this project.

Well, it's very nice
to meet you, Professor.

Nice to meet you, Governor.

It is a lovely day
for a m-m-m-m-maw maw.

Excuse me?

Mmm. Must have been a typo.
Forgive me.

And these are your new
21 st century lifeguards.

Julia, Louise and Dreyfuss.

Hello there.

Well, let's get
this demonstration started, shall we?

Great idea.

Well, robots aside, it sure is great
to have the gang back together.

- Yeah.
- No doubt.

But, yo, we should be down there
kicking our skills for the gov, man.

Yeah, but look at them.
They're perfect.

Yeah, but who wants
to live in a world...

where everybody's
a perfect blond-haired, blue-eyed...

physical specimen
who only does what they're told?

- Not me.
- Chip?

I'm thinking.

What if I said they weren't
so perfect after all?

Folks? I am now going to ask...

Professor Milosevic to program
these lovely lifeguards...

to run to Santa Monica
and back. Professor?

Very well. Ladies,
run to Santa Monica and back.

Ha ha ha ha.
But seriously...

on your mark, get set.

What is going on here?
I only have an hour.

Watch, or you'll miss it.

Aren't they wonderful?

My God.

You mean if
the temperature hits 100...

they go haywire or something?

Well, Milosevic wasn't sure...

but he seemed
kind of nervous about it.

Too bad it's only... 97!

Try 98.

Yo, 99. The heat is on.

This could be good.

Or not.

We're doomed.

Why don't we just crawl
into bunker and shoot ourselves?

No, wait. The sun's out again.

All right! Go! Go!

Oh, I wish I could
do something to get it up.

Keep going,
keep going. Come on.

Chappy, I need that lighter. Thanks.

- Come on.
- Make way. Make way.

- Let's try this.
- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, yeah.
- Come up.

- Oh, yeah.
- Get up. Get up.

Come on, go!

The robots are going verruckt.


What is this?
Do something!

I am melting.

- What?
- Help me, Mommy.

You have three new messages. Good-bye.

What the f-u- double toothpicks
is going on here...

and where the hell is Notch Johnson?

Well, I fired him.

- Fired him?
- Yeah.

Well, un-fire him now.


Well, Mayor, we've got a problem.

Well, you should call SPF 30.

Oh, that's right. You fired them.

Looks like he was
running Windows.

Looks like he was
running Windows.

Johnson, you gotta help us.

What? You want help
from us lowly humans?


Oh, fine. You replace us today...

and tomorrow you replace
Jerry the postman...

or Vera the seamstress...

or Larry the circus freak...

who can smoke a cigarette
out of his rectum.

All right, Johnson, I get the idea.

Now are you gonna stop
those darn robots?

Yeah, but only if we
get our jobs back.

Of course. Anything.

If Johnson can stop this mess...

you're gonna give
all of them a 20% raise.

- Hey. Hey.
- Yeah.

OK, let's start by rebooting.

Now, to stop these robots...

I'll push control, alt, delete.

Hey, it worked!
It worked! Yeah!

Holy crap. Exit, stage right.

What are you doing?
Isn't this what you want?

I didn't save you once.
I'm not making the same mistake twice.

After all I've done to you,
Notch Johnson...

why would you want to save me?

Because I'm a lifeguard, damn it.

I took an oath to save people's lives.

You may be an evil scientist...

but you're also a human being...
more or less...

but most of all,
because you're my friend.


Aah. Aah.

Notch. I have a small
confession to make.

When I slipped out
of your hand that day...

it wasn't because
your hand was slippery.

It was I who applied the sunblock.

You had the sunblock on?

I was just looking
for someone to blame.

Weep. Weep, weep, weep.

Weep, weep, weep, weep.

Weep, weep, weep,
weep, weep...

Oh, hi, teens.
Notch Johnson here.

You know, tonight's
show was about...

Well, what was
tonight's show about?

Uh-oh. Looks like somebody
could use some more memory.

Ha ha ha ha.

Tonight's show was about
broadly drawn TV villains.

To learn more, log on to...

and click on Son of the Beach.

So, until next time,
this is Notch Johnson saying...

"Ride the big one."

You said, "The big one." Mmm.

Daddy like.
Ha ha ha ha.

Milo, you're too much.