Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 1, Episode 5 - Two Thongs Don't Make a Right - full transcript

Notch and his crew try to rescue a little boy who has fallen into a hole. Meanwhile, Mayor Massengil and Reverend Green try to ban beach goers from wearing thongs.

Hey, Peter, are we
having fun now or what?

Oh, lots of fun, Dad.

That's my boy.

Listen, Peter,

your mom tells me that you found
daddy's special magazines

on the top shelf in the garage
and took them to school.

Yeah, they were awesome
at show and tell!

Listen, Peter, you've got to promise me
you won't ever do that again.

Sorry, Dad.

Hey, Dad,

can we go look
for the nude beach?

I heard it's
down there somewhere.


Oh, right, Dad.

Um, Dad?


Dad, I'm kind of hungry.

Uh, do you think maybe
I could have a hot dog?

Yeah, sure, pal.
Come on.

I'll race you
to the hot dog stand.

Well, actually,
do you think

I could stay here
and finish my fort?


I'll be right back.
Don't move.


Naked chicks!




Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Yeah, we were busy last week.

Lifeguard! Lifeguard!

I can't find my Peter!

Don't worry, sir,

that's just from swimming
in the cold ocean water.

No, see, I was playing
with my Peter and I...

And if you keep
playing with it,

it'll come back
before you know it.

No, listen!

My son is missing.

You lost your son
and your Peter?

No, Notch,
his son's name is Peter.

Oh. Why didn't you say so?

Tonight's episode...

No real actors were used
in the filming of tonight's episode.

Your full name?

Joseph Anthony Gozigna.

Nice work, Kimberlee.

Now you would enter
his name into the computer.

Thank you, Notch.

Kimberlee's new on the job,
but trust me, sir,

you're in good hands.

Sir, my name
is B.J. Cummings.

I'm a lifeguard slash
sketch artist slash model.

I drew a rough
composite of your child.

Finally, we're
getting somewhere!

Hope you like it.

That looks
like Ally McBeal!

And Peter's a boy!

That's exactly
the kind of detail I need.

Nice work, B.J., but I
don't think Peter's Jewish.

Sir, how 'bout
I drop by your crib

and pick up some of those
pictures of the boy, huh?

That's a great idea.

I live on Webster Street.

Webster Street!

Oh, dog! You are
livin' large!

Hey, everybody! I found a body
down in Hummus Cove!

Oh, Lord!

They took the boy
way too soon!

it wasn't a boy.


No, the body found was
a female Caucasian pilot.

She was wearing
this jacket.

Any other clues?

Just this love letter signed
by someone named Roberta.

Roberta, huh.

She must have been reading it
while she was going down.

What's with you people?

Isn't there anyone here
with a brain in their heads?

Sir, we're gonna
circulate photos,

scour the beach,
and alert the media.

Trust me, sir.
We are gonna find your son,

and that's a promise!

All promises subject
to rules and regulations

and contain
no guarantees.

This offer does not apply
to friends and family of S.P.F. -30.

Miles may vary.
Void in Nebraska.

Now let's go save a kid!




I like it.

And I like you, Mayor.

But why do you think
my Legion of American Decency

should support
your run for congress?

Because, Reverend Green,

an organization like L.O.A.D.
has the same values I do.

In a way, I am LOAD.

Well, if you really are LOAD Material,

you've got
some work to do.

What is it
you want me to do?

Ban those
awful bathing suits.

The kind that display
the behinds of young women,

save for a tiny strand of material
over the "buttal" area.

Are you talking
about thongs?

The devil's floss!

This is not what
God gave us tuchises for!

It's a sin!

Perpetrated on decent,
God-fearing folk

by our "friends"
in New York.

I never realized the kind
of public disturbances

thongs can create.

Consider them gone!

In that case, I'd love to offer you
the full support of LOAD.

How much support?

$50,000 to start.


I'll take your LOAD.

Seen a lost boy, anybody?

Lost boy, lost boy.

Ni?o perdito.

Excuse me,
have you seen this child?

No, sorry.

Well, he's missing, OK?

Oh, guys, guys!
Thank God you're here!

You know, we could
sure use your help.

Hey, hey! I thought
you were gonna help us

find this man's
little Peter!

OK, hands
behind your back.

You're under arrest
for breaking the law.

You're cuffing them?

What is the charge?

What are you doing?

The same thing
you're gonna be doing.

Enforcing the new
no thongs policy on this beach.

No thongs?

No, thanks.
I won't do it.

Well, then we'll just find
a new head lifeguard who will.

Help! Unh!

Naked girls,
can you hear me?

Naked girls!

So let's take notice,

First we have
the standard issue thong.

Easy to spot,
easy to remove.

Next to it,
its cousin, the T-back.

Note the "T."

Requires special handling.

And last, but
certainly not least,

we have the Lewinsky.

I can't believe the cops
are more interested

in arresting women in thongs
than finding a missing boy.

Yeah, that really blows.

B.J., as usual,
you've said a mouthful.

I strongly disagree
with the mayor on this!

But we must follow orders!

It's always important
to follow orders.

Chip, calm down!

God, it's only a thong!

Big deal!

Yeah, before me and my homie B.J.
Were S.P.F.-ers,

we used
to model thongs.

What was that like?

Let's see...
as I remember...

Wow, it's really hard...

being a thong model.

Uh, getting back to the mayor,

I think she's being
influenced by Reverend Green.

Reverend Ralph Green?

Oh, my God.

B.J., why are you afraid
of Reverend Green?

Don't worry, B.J.

I've had the same
fear of the clergy

ever since Father Kevin's
slumber party.

Did he bother you
in some way?

Father Kevin?
I mean, Reverend Green.

'Cause I'll smack
him upside his head.

No, it's not like that.

I'm gonna tell
you guys something

that I've never told anyone.

It's about
Reverend Ralph Green.

I'm his...

I'm his...

I'm his illegitimate


Can anyone hear me?

Wear your thong, the mayor's wrong!

Wear your thong,
the mayor's wrong!

Wear your thong,
the mayor's wrong!

Wear your thong,
the mayor's wrong!

Look at the size
of that demonstration!

I just wish
that more Americans

would adopt the values
of Mayor Massengil.

In fact, I'm hoping the mayor
will accept my LOAD support

in her run for Congress.

Why, Reverend Green!

I had no idea!

Oh, I hardly
know what to say.

Ha ha ha.

Are you going to
confront Reverend Green,

your illegitimate father,

the man who planted his seed
in your mother's unwed womb?

Oh, Notch, I don't know
if I'm strong enough.

B.J., I want to show you
a little thing I have in my shorts.

It's a fortune cookie from when
I was a lifeguard in Vietnam.

It's a little complex,
but see if you understand.

"Be honest."

Be honest.

Be honest?

Oh, I get it!

Be honest!

Like you've got
to tell the truth!

You gotta
tell the truth, man.


I knew I could
count on you, Notch.

Notch Johnson,
we've been watching you

enforce the thong ban.

Do you personally agree
with this policy?

Well, I mean, I have a job to do
here on the beach.

And sometimes that job
requires things other than...

Be honest. Be honest.

Be honest. Be honest.

Oh, forget what I just said!

Look, in this country we have a thing
called the Constitution!

And it gives us
the right to bare arms

and legs and breasts,

and, yes,
even heinie bum-bums!

And so, to show my support
for the protesters,

I'm wearing a thong!

Johnson, this is it!

You're fired.

Fine, fire me!

But this thong thing
really stinks!


Is anyone up there?!

Lady! Lady, wait! Hello!

I'm down here!
Can you hear me?

Lady, help!

Can't you hear me?

Get off the hole!

can I talk to you?

If it's about
saving your boss' job,

that issue is closed.

No, it's about me.

it's about my mother,

Flo Normandie.

Florence N. Normandie?

Why, I have no idea
who that is.

Now, get out of my way!

You're not
going anywhere, Papa!

Lady, you sat on the hole!

Get off.

Can't you hear me?

I'm down here!

Ugh! Come on!

I even know
your real name.

Earl Haney.

Here, I want to show you

that's very important to me.

It's the authentic
zirconium locket

that you gave Mama.

"To Florence,
thanks a bunch.

Maybe I'll call. Earl."

That's just so romantic.

Listen, darlin',

I dearly hope that
you find your daddy.

But I am not him.


You are my daddy!

Am not!

Now stay away from me.

Then keep this
to remind you of the daughter

that you never wanted
to be reminded of.


God, if you
get me out of here,

I won't look through
Dad's dirty magazines

or search for nude beaches.

And, Lord, I'll never ask
to see a beautiful woman

if you just get me
out of this cave.

OK, Lord,
I like your idea better.

We're down here!

I'm going! Wait!

Take your time!

Well, that's it.

30 years of
lifeguard memories

are in this bag.


Don't go.

I love you.

Oh, I love you, too, Chip!

Well, this is it, homegirl.

Why are you
going away?


You gotta help me!

Somebody fell in a hole
up on the bluffs.

Anybody you know?

Yes, B.J. Cummings
the lifeguard,

also my daughter.

B.J. And your daughter
both fell in?

No. B.J. Is my daughter!

B.J., can you hear me?

Notch, you've
gotta get us out of here!

The water's rising!

High tide's in at 5:00 today.

We really need
to hustle, Notch.

Don't worry!
I'm on it!

But you're off
the force, Notch.

Maybe I'm not doing this
as Notch Johnson, lifeguard.

Maybe I'm doing this
as Notch Johnson, human being,

a guy whose
only fault is caring.

A guy who can't walk
past hungry homeless people

without giving them a big smile
and a hearty "howdy-do."

A guy who...

Hey, dude,


OK, let's go.

Reverend Green,

you came here
to get rid of thongs,

but now you've
joined the search

for little Peter Gozigna.

Qu? pasa?

Because now, not only
is little Peter in that hole,

but lifeguard B.J. Cummings
is in there, too.

And she's my daughter.

OK, take me up.

See, when I was a young man,

I saw B.J.'s mama
Florence on the beach.

There she stood,
pretty young thing

wearing a... thong bikini.

So, B.J.'s mother
was wearing a thong bikini

like that one over there?



Notch. Notch!

I'm strapping it on!

OK, take him up.

You'll be all right.

Ha ha! Here he is!

I love you, Dad!

Oh, I love you, too, son.

Now can we go
to the nude beach?

Sure, pal,
anything you say.

OK, B.J., you're next!

We've got a problem!

Notch is unconscious!

I've been telling people that
for years.

There you have it.

Former Chief Lifeguard
Notch Johnson lies unconscious

as treacherous water
continues to storm in.

Come on, Notch,
wake up!

Mama, Mama, Mama.

Notch, it's me, B.J.!

B.J., where's Peter?

He's been
pulled to safety.

Is he OK?

Yes, but we've gotta
get out of here,

or we'll drown.

OK, B.J., you go first!

No, Notch, you go.

The world needs Johnson!

OK, good idea.

Hey, B.J.
There's your dad up there!

Come on, guys!
Get down the rope!

Come on!

All right, guys,

take her up now!

Move it! Move it!

Daddy's here!


Oh, I love my B.J.

Go back, water!
Go back!

So we wait
with diminishing hope

that Notch Johnson
will pull through this.

As we reported earlier,
this hero was fired

in a bonehead move
by Mayor Massengil.

That's nonsense!

Not only is Notch Johnson
still head lifeguard,

he's going
to get a big raise.

But only if he lives.

OK, I got it.
Take me up!


Come on, guys, now!

Get ready
for that raise, sucker.

Here comes
Notch Johnson now!

Citizens of Malibu Adjacent,

I hereby reinstate thongs
on one condition:

That Notch Johnson
never wear one.

It's a deal.

Well, gang, it's been
quite a day, huh?

We reunited an illegitimate father
with his bastard daughter.

How 'bout it, huh?

That's nice.

And in the process, we resolved
a really sticky situation.

But you know,
why talk about a thong

when you can
dance about it?

Let's do the dance
that is so much fun

In the U.S.A.
It's number one

Moving to the front
or to the back

You'll feel it
riding up your crack


It's a thong!
Yeah, yeah!

Do the thong!
Yeah, yeah

Shake your naked booty
all night long

Kinda sleek

Show some cheek

Everybody do the thong

Everybody do the thong

Everybody do the


Oh, hi, teens.
Notch Johnson here.

You know, tonight's show

was about not being
embarrassed by your looks.

So I've taken off
the makeup

to show you
this small freckle here.

Can you see it?

See, I'm not
embarrassed by it.

Or here.

I've got a mole

that looks like
the black guy on Miami Vice.

Or on my back,
I've got an extra Johnson.

Can you see?

It's my not-fully-developed
twin brother Lloyd.

Can you say hi, Lloyd?

Hi, Lloyd!

Ha ha ha ha!

See, I'm not
embarrassed by it, either.

So until next time,

this is Notch Johnson saying,
"Ride the big one."