Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 1, Episode 4 - Love, Native-American Style - full transcript

How-a, how-a, hi.

Hineh ma tovu manayim

Shevet nachim
gam yachad

It's a good day
to die.

And what better way than to die
with my children beside me...

my son Dark Horse...

my beautiful daughter
Fire Bush...

and last but not least,

my adopted son,
Notch Johnson.

Please, tribal father.
Call me by my Indian name.

OK, Little Worm.

Thanks, Dad.

We Kahonees have lived
on this land for centuries.

From the mountains
to the valleys...

to the ocean...
white with foam.

Dark Horse.

You are to be chief.

You must never allow outsiders
to take over our land.

Don't worry, Pop.
I'll take care of everything.

Like you always said:
The buckskin stops here.

Father is right.

We must be content
with what we have:

Protecting our lands,
making our blankets.

And selling
medicinal tobacco

to people with

I said I'd take care
of it, Notch.


I feel safe now...

knowing the dirt
I am about to eat...

will always be ours.

Well, Mr. Wynne,
he's gone.

Jeez, that took
long enough.

Hey... he's my father.
And a great chief.

Now when does the tribe
get our money?

As soon as we break ground
for the new casino.

What about the mayor
of Malibu Adjacent?

We may own the land,

but only she can
give us the permits.

Don't worry about
the mayor.

J.P. Wynne has got her
right where I want her.

Tonight's episode...

On tonight's
Son of the Beach,

the part of Notch Johnson
will be played by Vivian Vance.

Hey, I see the fuzz!

But I just got
a bikini wax!

No, B.J. It's Lika.

What's up, Lika?


So, Lika, what's Malibu
Adjacent's finest

doing at the beach?

Oh, nothing...


I'm getting married
next week!


Yo, we have got to plan
a bachelorette party

and get down
with our bad selves!

Yeah. Let's get
way rowdy.

And then, Kimberlee,
we'll see you at the wedding.

Wait. What's that
supposed to mean?

Come on, Kimberlee.

When 'Maica and I
throw a bachelorette party,

it's gonna get crazy!

We just assumed that...

Hey! I'm no

Girlfriend, please!


You don't think
I'm a prude, do ya?

'Course not.
Why do you ask?

See, everybody's
getting together

for a bachelorette party
at an exotic dance club.

And you got invited?

Why does everyone
keep asking that?

Hey, Chief,
can I talk to you?

I got a letter
from my Aunt Eva.

Hold on, Chip.

Those are
smoke signals

from the Kahonees.

"Chief Dark Horse will
make the Kahonee reservation

"a gambling casino?

"It will extend
to the beach?

More smoke at 11:00."

This is terrible.


when did you become
fluent in smoke signals?

I'm a Kahonee.

As a boy, I was adopted
by the late tribal father,

Chief Pokemon.

You were part
of his family?

Well, not 100%.

I was more like Robert Duvall
in The Godfather,

or Ernie
on My Three Sons.

But they were
my family.

And now, with every
fiber of my being,

I have to stop this.

Come on, girl!
Git it up!

J.P., as excited
as I am to meet you,

I don't know.

A gambling establishment.

I have a very
conservative constituency.

Anita, just take a look.

I know you're going to be
as excited as I am

once you see
the Big Kahonee Casino.

My Lord!

It's so big.

Anita, nothing
about me is small.

Mayor Massengil,

what the heck
is goin' on?

I heard a casino's...

Hey, that is really cool.
What is that?

A casino.

A casino?
It just so happens

I came here to talk
to you about a casino!

You're Notch Johnson,
the famous lifeguard, aren't you?

J.P. Wynne.
Atlantic City.

I'll give you something
to shake, mister!

You're not building
a casino in Malibu Adjacent.

I'm not going to let
you destroy the town,

the Indian reservation,
the beach...

Not to mention, you're
cutting off my unit.

We Kahonees
have a saying:

Mariska Hargitay
Algonquin Calhoun...

Which means...

"Go back to Atlantic City.
You're not wanted."

J.P., the pinhead
does have a point.

If the casino is built, this
town will never be the same.

Why don't we talk
more about it...

say, uh, over dinner?


I like dinner.

Where did you have
in mind?

I have my own jet.

You're not afraid
of flying, are you?

Well, let's just
put it this way...

I'm a charter member
of the Mile High Club.


can I talk to you?

Chip, can't you see
I'm muttering to myself?

Ah, jeez, I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.

It's this casino.

What can I do for you,
my German buddy?

It's my family
in South America.

The Rommels
of Paraguay.

You remember. They conduct
genetic experiments.

Noble work.
How's their business?

It's ghastly. They need money
to complete their findings.

Ah. Say no more,


Oh, jeez, I'm sorry.
I thought it was a 5.

I'll get you some

Ach du lieber.

Time to start

Thank you kindly.

Aah! Ha!

Yo, our booties are gonna
be front row, center

for the bachelorette


Hey, you know what else
we should do for Lika?

A lingerie party.



Ah... Ooh.

It's a lingerie

Are you sure
you wanna go?

OK, now hold on.

You are all acting like
I am some total prude!

I would love to go
to a lingerie party.

What's a lingerie

Well, here's how
I picture it...


Merci, Marceau.

To us...

To us.

I can't believe
I'm in Paris.

And just look
at the sights...

the Eiffel Tower...

the Louvre...

Notre Dame...

Popeyes Chicken.


ever since I met you,
I've wanted

to give you
a pearl necklace.

You're using this to buy
that permit for the casino.

No, I'm not.

Forget the casino.
We won't build it.

I'm just glad to be
in Paris

with a real woman.

- Are you serious?
- Absolutely.

It was going to be
my last casino anyway.

I just wanna meet someone
and travel.

And I've almost made
enough money to do just that.


And when you say...
enough money,

did you have
a figure in mind?

$50 billion.

I even brought this contract
with me, foolishly thinking...

we could get the business
out of the way, and then...

talk about us.

Let's talk about

Look, Little Worm.

Our people have gone
crazy with greed!

Maybe they will
listen to you.

With all the power
of the Lord thy God,

dost thou not seeth
thy sins?

Hello, Brown Log.

Laughing Cow.

Hello, White Swallow.

Hello yourself,
Little Worm.

Notch, you mean well,

but it is time
for the Kahonees

to enjoy the fruits.

Fruits are good.

But I really love nuts.

But look at the beauty
you already have.

What more
could you want?

On this land,
your father,

Chief Pokemon,
taught me how to hunt,

how to fish,
and how to trap beaver.


And if you give this land

to the long knife
from Atlantic City,

I will use all my power
to stop it!

Yo, yo, yo!

Looks like we got some
horny ladies in the house!

Any bachelorette
parties tonight?

Sweetheart, if you're gonna
be marrying a doctor,

you're gonna love
our first act.

He is... the Surgeon!

That thing is huge.!

Hi, Chip.

What the hell do you
think you're doing?

I made a mistake!
I can't do this!

I'm the one who made a mistake!
You're fired!

Ah, thank you,
thank you.

I'm J.P. Wynne.

I have built 17 casinos
in my life,

but the Big Kahonee is going
to be my biggest and best yet.

And I love
my new partners...

The Kahonees!
Dark Horse!

There we go.
Look at the camera.

But, uh, best of all,

I have met a woman...

who's captured my heart.

Mayor Anita Massengil.

Thank you, sweetheart.

I have a vision
for Malibu Adjacent...

a vision that I'd
like to share with you...

Oh, I'm sorry
you don't approve.

I'm sorry I have to leave
the land I love.

Who says you have
to leave?

A beautiful squaw...
woman like yourself...

I can make you
a very nice deal.

We should have
dinner some time.

You, uh, like to fly,
don't you?

Dinner with you?


I would rather die the death
of a thousand buffaloes.

...first shovel of sand,

or, as you Kahonees
call it, earth.

"Kahonees swindled.

"Dark Horse
attempting suicide.

Yahoo up 29 points"?

I'm on it!

Wynne stole from us,
and it's all my fault.

Now... I must die.

Dark Horse!
It's only money.

It's not like you
lost your land.

- No, he lost the land too, Notch.
- OK...

We got net profits,
not adjusted gross!

If we Kahonees see any money,

it won't be for 400
or 500 moons!

I only wanted what was
best for our tribe.

I should have listened
to Little Worm and Fire Bush.

Never be ashamed for doing
what you think is best.

Right, Fire Bush?

Where's she going?

She's going on a date
with J.P. Wynne.

Then she's
gonna kill him.

- Are you gonna be OK?
- Yeah.

All right.
Here's your gun.

Hey, Chip.

How's it goin'?

Wow, Chip. We can't believe
we saw your big wiener!

Uh, what B.J.
Means is,

we can't believe
we saw your big... uh...



But why were
you the Surgeon?

With that big

you should have
been the Fireman.


Did you do it
for the money, Chip?

Yeah. My family
needs it.

They might lose

That sleazy M.C. said I could
make big Deutsche marks

if I would show
my svanson noodle.

Now what do I do?

Yo... we gotta
think of something,


I once thought
of something.


The prude just came up
with a great idea.

Kimberlee, you?


Mr. Wynne flew with
his dinner companion to Paris?

Let me ask you something.

I have frequent flier miles
with Valujet.

Do you know if they fly to P...

I just got some bad news
from the governor.

Have you seen
my J.P.?

I can't talk now, Mayor.
I've got to get to Paris.

Ah, Paris.

City of Lights.

The Champs Elysees,
le Tour Eiffel.

It's also
the city where

your J.P. has taken
Fire Bush to dinner.


Merci, Marceau.

What changed your mind?

If you can't beat 'em...

date him.

I'm gonna kill him.
Then I'm gonna wake him up.

Then I'm gonna
kill him again!



White Swallow told me
about this odd-shaped bread.

Apparently they're
called "fag-gets."

I have always wanted
to give a girl...

a pearl necklace.

But what about
the mayor?

I thought you
were engaged.

Ha, ha! That old bag?

No way, baby.

I'm a free man in Paris.


What the hell is...

Ha, ha, ha!

Hi, Anita!

You got the message
to meet me in Paris.

Save your crap
for the tables, Wynne.

You used me to get
the permit, but guess what.

Notch Johnson
made some phone calls,

and the governor
overruled me.

Your request for a gaming
application has been denied.

My people have
their land back!

And the mayor
has broken Wynne!


Do I have any horny
guys in the house?

Huh? Yeah!


OK, guys, I got
some ladies here

who are desperate
for money.

So I give you...
the Lifeguards!

Oh, hi, teens.

Notch Johnson here.

You know, tonight's show
wasn't about anything.

It was more of a statement
against the stereotyping

of the Native
Indian American.

You'll notice we stayed away
from all those stereotypes.

How? You might ask.

Well, firstly, when
I see those stereotypes,

I get heap big sick.

I mean, I just
go, "ugh."

Thirdly, a lot of the
actors we used tonight

are actually part Injun.

And lastly, to avoid
the stereotype

of the drunken Indian,

we limited the
amount of alcohol

our actors could drink.

No drinkum fire water!

So, until next time,

this is Notch "Little Worm"
Johnson saying...

ride the big one.