Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 1, Episode 3 - In the G-Hetto - full transcript

The Bird.

What do you want?

Jamaica St. Croix.

You too good for us
now that you left the hood?

We had a good thing

Still got that
crippled hand, Bird?

Why fix it?

I'd only have
to change my name.

What do you
want from me?

I left your posse.

I said no to gangbanging
a long time ago.

Baby, I got a phat shipment
coming in...

but the D.E.A. is scoping for my boat.
Ain't that right?

Shut up!

So I'm having someone swim out
to Fuego Island and make the score.

And that someone is you.

Jackin' trade
for you, Bird?

Here's what I think
of your plan.


Cell phone!

Maybe this
will convince you.

Jamaica, don't do it!

Don't listen to him!
I'll be OK!

That was my sister,
Montego Bay!

I needed a little...

Hoochie, I'm giving you 24 hours
to rejoin the posse...

or you can say good day
to Montego Bay.

Ha ha ha ha!


Come on, suck!
Suck hard!

Yeah, that's it, that's it!
Keep sucking! Don't stop!

You go, girl!

Keep sucking!
Ah, that's good.

Good, B.J.!
Good, B.J.!

That's it.
You go, girl!

Get it all!
Get it all!

Ah! Excellent, B.J.!

You see, gang...

the secret to saving
a snakebite victim...

is drawing out the vennum
as quickly as possible.

Uh, Notch?
I know I'm new here, but...

do you really think there are
poisonous snakes on the beach?

Kimberlee, you can't
be too careful.

After all, Arizona
is only one state away.

What about me?
Can I have a try?

It's all yours,

OK, I hope
I don't blow it.

OK, suck...
suck hard!

Yeah, that's it,

That's it.
Keep sucking! Keep sucking!

Yeah, tha... Oww!
Watch the teeth!

Tonight's episode...

Guests of Son Of The Beach
stay at their friends' houses.

That's good.
OK, very good.

Nice job, Chip.
Nice job.

OK, Kimberlee...
you're up.


Notch, I have an important
announcement to make.

Yes, but...

And that announcement is...
the police report...

a sudden influx of
homeless men to the beach.

Tell me about it.
Yesterday, I turned around...

and one of them was
eating my Chalupa.

OK, everyone,
let's hit the beach.

Chief, uh...
Well I was, uh...

Chip, it's like
snake poison...

Just spit it out.

I was hoping to get
the week off...

to train for the
Mr. Pec Pageant.

The Mr. Pec Pageant?

Best upper torso
on the beach...

for a man.

In 1976, my friend Gunther
was Mr. Pec.

I would do anything
to follow in his goose-steps.

Think you've got
the chops, Chip?

I don't know.
You tell me.

Well, not bad,
my bosom buddy...

but let's see if you can
keep up with this.

I'd enter
the contest, but...

I pulled my groin last night
watching television.

Chip, I'm gonna give you
the week off to train.

- I only ask one favor.
- What's that?

Win. Win it for me.

Danke, Notch!

I would love
to be your wiener.

Mother, I wanna look!

Now, Kody, dear...

I'm the judge of
the Mr. Pec Pageant.

I have to look!

No! I have to look
for other reasons!

Ooh! Gimme the
damn binoculars!

Fine, take them.

But I was about to ask you
to go get Chip for me.

Oh, Mother...
you're delicious!

See, Chappy, you can use
the bag to pick up trash...


you can use it
as underwear.

Notch, just
give him the bag.

Ah, why bother? There ain't
enough garbage to go around...

with all the nouveau homeless
moving in.

Oh, Chappy...
you've owned this beach for years.

It's time to share
the wealth.

And the police say the new guys
won't be here long.

Good, good.

Jamaica, you look like
you're out of breath.

I just saw something
I never wanna see again.

- Cellulite?
- No.

Even worse.

The leader of
my old gang...

the Bird.

You were
in a gang?

Yes, she was,

What was the Bird
doing here?

He want me to mule
his junk...

but I don't wanna
be a mule!

What's a mule?

B.J., a mule
is an animal...

with long,
funny ears.

He laughs at most anything he hears.
His legs...

Notch, in this case, a mule is
a person who smuggles contraband.

And now he's
kidnapped my sister.

If I don't do
what he wants...

he gonna ice her!

Ice your sister?
Oh, that is cold!

I'm so proud
of her.

She's number one in her class
at medical school.

She's gonna be
a doctor?

No. An X-ray

An X-ray technician?!

Then, damn it,
we have to do something...

otherwise, your sister
will never know the joy...

of pressing that button
and running out of the room.

I called you here today
because, as you know...

I'm the sole judge
of the Mr. Pec Pageant.

What an honor
to be the judge...

for such an
important contest.

In 1976,
my friend Gunther...

I was thinking,
since you're a local boy...

wouldn't it be wunderbar
if you went home with this?

The Golden Nipple!

"Er der es gewinnt
die brustwarze...

er obert die welt. "

I had a wild notion
of an exercise you could do...

that would guarantee
your clinching the Nipple.

Really? I'll try
any exercise.

We could do this exercise...

But I already have
a workout partner... Gunther!

And he has 4 Nipples!

No, you cute dumbbell.

I'm saying if you and I have
a little rendezvous...

I'll guarantee
you win the pageant.

As in sodomy? Fornication?

And doing the
bare-ass boogie?

All that and more.

Here's the plan.

Tonight at 9:00,
room 14...

the Lazy "I" Motel.

You know how to use a key,
don't you, Chip?

You just stick it in
the hole and... rotate.

Here, Jamaica...
this will calm you down.

Here, Jamaica...
this will calm you down.

It's a St. John's Wort

You peoples just
ain't gettin' it!

The Bird wants
an answer by tonight...

or my sister will be
pushing up concrete!

Hey, you listen
to me, man!

I'm not afraid
of... big Bird!

But first, we have to get
some information.

Yeah, Jamaica. Tell us more about
this posse you were in.

These mothers
are bad news.

But I got out.

I picked myself up
by my Speedo straps...

and I joined the
high-school-equivalency swim team.

How did you get mixed up
in all this to begin with?

It started out
as fun.

We has this singing group
called H.B.U.

Yeah..."Hot Bitches
in Underwear."

Baby, baby...

Word up, dog.
You bitches had your funk on.

Yeah, we were tight.

Until the Bird
came along.

He made us...
turn to a life of crime.

Look at him.
He"s the next Gunther...

Strong arms...

firm, pouting yabbos...

and his sun-kissed

How can I compete?

I'll be letting down Notch.

And worse, I'll be letting down
mein Fatherland...

I mean, my country.

I guess I only have
one choice.

Jamaica, what
changed your life?

What got you out
of the... g-hetto?

My brother.

she means her bro.

He introduced me
to the water.

He paid for my
swimming lessons.

He even bought me
my first pair of floaties.

But my floaties
were expensive.

How could he
afford 'em?

My bro was
living large.

Until... Until he got killed
in a swim-by shooting!

Here, Jamaica.
Here's another smoothie.

This one has
St. John's Wort, kava-kava...

and ginko balbobova.

But it's my sister...

and he'll be calling
for an answer tonight!


I've been waiting for
your knock, Herr Rommel!

Come on in and...

blitzkrieg my Luftwaffe.

Hey, Chappy...

how would you like
to make $20 for a little sex?

Hey, hey...
I'm homeless, not homo.

Not with me.
With a woman.

Yeah? Sure.

Let me just
park this thing.

Schnell, Red Baron!

My hangar awaits
your Messerschmitt.

Hee hee!

Why won't
the phone ring?!

Try to stay cool,

OK, I'll
handle this.


Son, I'm expecting
a very important phone call.

OK, fine.
I'll ask.

Does anyone know
a Mike Hunt?

Mike Hunt?
Mike Hunt?

It's a prank, Notch.
A prank.

I'll get it.


What up, homey?

Never mind me.
How's my sister?

That bitch is money.

Ain't that right,

don't be a mule!

I'll escape
from this posse!

Shut up!

Ow! You're
hurting me!

Tomorrow, 9 a.m.

you're swimmin'
to Fuego Island.

Fine. I'll make
the swim for you...

but if anything happens
to Montego Bay...

I'm telling the first cop
who pulls me over for no reason.

Got it?

Ooh, I'd like
to choke the Bird.

Notch, what
am I gonna do?

Oh, I got
this one handled...

'cause tomorrow,
at 9 a.m.

I'm gonna
go down there...

and I'm gonna
lick your posse.

Read my lips.

I'm gonna lick...
your... posse.

And I'm gonna enjoy
doing it.

0900 o'clock.
Where are they?

Yo, fools!
Where you lookin'?



You gotta swim out and get me
my Peruvian marching powder.

Wait a second,
the Bird!

Who are you?

Allow me to
introduce myself.

I'm Notch Johnson,
and I'm in the house.

The Notch Johnson?

Why should I let
you swim out there?

Because I'm
not a coward...

and only a coward makes
women do his dirty work.

you dissin' me?

'Cause if anything
gets janky, first...

I'll 187 Montego.

Then I take out
your posse!

OK. I'm jiggy
with that.

Notch, why are
you doing this?

We should call
the police.

Don't worry,

The last thing
I'm gonna do...

is look foolish.

Am I dreaming?

Or is that you,
my naughty German shepherd?


I love a gruff voice
in the morning.

You made me see God
last night.

No one's
ever done that.


Ooh, I was gonna give you
a little wake-me-up...

but I can feel you're
ready to go, Chipper.

Hee hee hee.



OK, I'm here for the stuff.
Just put it in a bag.


You don't need
no stinking bag.

That's it? That's
what the fuss is about?

One party balloon?

Not one.


OK, just put it in a sack,
and I'll be on my way.

No, maricon.

You must
swallow them.

Ha ha ha!
That's very funny.

Swallow them...

or we'll put them
in the other end.

Ha ha ha ha!

Uh-oh. Here comes
the judge.

Rommel, how dare you send
a filthy bum into my room...

to force himself
on me?

Well, here's
a news flash:

There's no way you're
winning this pageant...

not as long as
I am the judge.

are you OK?

the stuff?

I can't believe
I ate the whole thing.

Eww! You made
him swallow?

I hate that.

Notch, I'm sorry.
I should've gone.

Ah, don't worry
about it.

I just don't know how
I'm gonna complete delivery.

Oh, I do.
Swallow these.


Don't make him
take those.

Yeah. There's a burrito stand
right around the corner.

- Eat 'em!
- And what if I say no?

Fine. But I'll need
a glass of water...

and some privacy.

Notch, are you
OK in there?

I've taken
7 of those laxatives...

and so far,
don't feel a thing.

I'm telling you,

These pills have had
absolutely no...


Holy Mary,
Mother of God!!

Here come
the condoms.

I only counted

You holding out
on me?

That makes 12.

- Ugh!
- Eww!

OK... here's
your stuff.

Now let Montego go.

Sure, right after
I off all the witnesses!

Freeze! D.E.A.!

It's the
homeless guys?

See? I got the power...

of the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency
behind me!


Gentlemen, I give you
the Bird.

Notch, you
knew all along...

that the homeless guys
were undercover.

Well, of course I did.

Thanks, Notch!
I love you, man.

Notch Johnson!

I'll get you
in the end!

No. You're going
to prison.

You"ll be the one
getting it in the end.

- Ha ha ha ha!
- Ha ha!
- Ha ha!

the second runner-up...

for this year's
Mr. Pec Pageant is...

Mike Hunt?

Hey, Mike.

Someone called the other day,
looking for you.

OK. Now, before we
announce the new Mr. Pec...

let's meet the judge
for this year's pageant...

Mayor Anita Massengil!

Sorry. Mother
couldn't be here...

so she asked me
to be the judge.

Wow! That's queer.

The envelope,

The winner of this year's
Mr. Pec Pageant is...

from Nuremberg, Germany,
Mr. Chip Rommel!


Kody, I can't
thank you enough.

How can I ever
repay you?

Well, I do have
a prom coming up.

Uh, we'll talk.

By the way,
where is your mother?


my Sterno-drinking

I can't say no
to you.

Can I have your butt?


I've never done
that before.

It's the best part
of the smoke.

Oh... Chappy.

Hi, teens.
Notch Johnson here.

Tonight's show was about
getting out of poverty.

So here to talk to
our friends of the g-hetto...

is our own
Jamaica St. Croix.


Thanks, Notch.

Yo, you fi'nna raise up
and get yo' booty

In a uptown career?

Shoot, dog, don't be
layin' in the cut

Gettin' your drink on

And when you gettin'
your freak on

With some fly-ass honey

Use a jimmy hat,
get yo' game together

Make the other kids
in the hood hate on you

As you... heh...
Audi 5,000

I don't know what you said,
but that's good advice.

So, until next time...

this is Notch Johnson

ride the
big one, and...

- peace-out!
- Peace-out!