Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 1, Episode 13 - Mario Putzo's 'The Last Dong' - full transcript

Half manicotti,
half pina colada swirl.

Hey, you want
some garlic with that?

It's on me--

Papa Gigio.

There you are. Enjoy it.

Hey, what'll it be,

I got a nice
Rocky Road Parmesan.

My name is
Vinnie Fellachio.

These are
my associates:

Fat Tony,
Overweight Sal,

and Morbidly
Obese Frankie.

What do you want?

I'm new in town,

but I'm thinking
you could use some protection.


I left New York to get
away from bums like you.

I'm not
playing your game.

Sure you are, Pops.

Hey, boys,
show him what he's won.



Get your hands off me!

No! No!
Aah! Aah! Aah!

Put me down!
Put me down!


Tonight's episode...

Condoms were worn

during the filming
of Son of the Beach.


I can't believe
Papa Gigio got whacked.

Somebody offed him!

But he's so old.

Who would
whack him off?

Why, Papa Gigio?
Why did you die?

E vivo core
tu te vive vere.

I didn't know
Notch spoke Italian.

Gradisco sedersi
nei feces del cane.

Sono un hamburger
con le vene.

Ci e un lama
da mia bagno.

Aw, Notch. Mr. Gigio
must have meant a lot to you.

Oh, yes! He put me
through lifeguard academy.

You might say he was the wind
beneath my shorts.

Well, I just wish
there were more clues

to help us
find the killer.

Oh, we'll find him,
all right.

Hey, isn't that
Mark Fuhrman?

he doing here?

Ooh! I told you
the brother didn't do it!

Hey, gang. I've
just been analyzing

these crime scene blood samples.
They're type A.


Well, I'm not going
to bet money on it, but I think so.


Oh, darn!
Who's gonna clean up this blood?

Ha ha ha!
Good boy, Steve!

Ha ha ha!

Don't forget
the glass!

Guten tag, everyone.

This is my sister Eva.

She's visiting from Germany.

Hi. Hi.
How are you?

Hey, guys,

Eva was supposed
to stay with me,

but my place is packed
with workout equipment

and protein bars.

Mmm! I love protein!

Can she stay
with one of you?

Don't look at me.
I'm sharing my crib with my mama,

my grandmama,

my great-grandmama,

and my

and she pregnant!

Eva, you could stay
on my boat,

but it's being fumigated

for head lice
and dung beetles.

Hey, Kimberlee,
how about opening up your spread?

Well, sure! Yeah!
I've got plenty of room.

Just me and the cats.

Do you mean kitty cats
or people named Katz?

What does it matter?

You're allergic
to both.


You can stay with me,

but it'll be
a tight fit.

Oh, I don't mind.
It sounds wunderbar.

Danke schoen.

Hey, boss,
tell me again.

Why are we here
in Malibu Adjacent?

Shut up and sit down.
What are you, stupid, you moron?

Where else
we gonna go?

We've been thrown
out of New Jersey.

Yeah, but to control
Malibu Adjacent,

you gotta control
the beaches,

and to
control the beaches,

you gotta get
past Notch Johnson.

Forget about it.

First we take care
of the mayor.

As far
as I'm concerned,

this Notch Johnson
is just a big pussy.

Your home is so cute!

Your home is so cute!

So I guess
it's not only white trash people

who live
in trailers, huh?

I don't know.

I ain't lived nowheres else.

Eva, I hope
you don't mind,

but I've really
got to get to bed.

I can feel
Mr. Sandman coming.

Same here.

After all,
in California it's 8:00,

but in Berlin,
it's 1 945.

Oh, B.J.?

I have a question.

Do you mind
if I sleep in the nude?

Doesn't bother me
in the least.

Mmm! I love you!



Well, good night.

Ahh! These sheets
are so soft!

They feel so good against
my silver dollar nipples.

B.J., I'm a little cold.

Do you mind if I
snuggle up against you?

Um, well--

Oh, that is so good!

So soft to the touch!


Oh! My hand
must have slipped.

I don't believe it!

Eva's hand
entered my girlie region.

I'll bet she's
a lesbiantologist.

Women do experiment,

but I've never thought
about me with another woman.

What would that
be like?

La la la la la la

La la la

Touch me

Let it go

Let it go

Try something new

Try something new

- Touch me
- Touch me

You know you want to

You know
you want to

La la la

La la la

You know
you want to

Ah la la

Let it go

Let it go


God, what's
the matter, B.J.?

I screamed.

So what?

Now, for the last time,
good night.

Tell your readers

that murder
will not be tolerated

in my town.

Mayor Anita Massengil
always gets her...



Oh! The service
must have sent you.

I asked for big,
but what I meant was...

3 of you!

That would be a record
for me, but, uh...

I'll give it a shot.

There'll be plenty
of time for that later, sister.

For now, sit down
and let's talk about your future.

I've seen your picture.

You're Vinnie Fellachio,
aren't you?

Mayor, I'm here to make you an offer
you can't say no to.

If you think
for one minute

that I'm doing business
with you hoodlums,

you've got
another thing coming.

I'm calling the police.

Commissioner Gordon,

You don't
want to do that.


Not my Kody!

Mother, these men
burst into my room,

threw me down,
forced my arms behind my back,

and then
handcuffed me.

A little tighter,

Do what I say, and we'll
send the kid back to you.

Don't do what I say,

and we'll still send the kid
back to you, one piece at a time.





Oh, Notch,
what's wrong?

It's Papa Gigio.

I remember how he used
to tuck me in at night,

turn off the lights,

and put me to sleep
with this little song.

Oh, my wife's too fat
for pasta

So I make her
some calzone

Oh, hi, Mayor.

Oh! I've come
to ask you all a big favor.

Last night, mobsters came
and kidnapped Kody.

He's been kidnapped

by the Vinnie Fellachio
crime gang.

The Vinnie Fellachio
crime gang?

I bet that's who killed
Papa Gigio.

I'm about
to utter words

I never thought
I'd say.

Notch, will you h...

will you!

Will you
help me?

Say no more, Mayor.

I'm a lifeguard.

I do 2 things:

promote water safety

and bring down
crime families.

Guten morgen.

I slept
like a little kitty cat.

How about you?

Thanks to you,
I didn't sleep at all.

You put the moves on me.

I didn't mean to.

It was just
a harmless little pass.

Harmless little pass?

I felt your hand
on my teetsy woowoo.


So? That means
you're lesbianific!

I'm not a lesbian.

I'm European.


That's right.

We Europeans
like all kinds of sex.

Well, that doesn't mean
I'm that way.

Or perhaps it does.

I mean,
you seem so upset.

Or maybe you are
hiding something.

You guys, I am really
allergic to cigar smoke.

Hear that, boys?

over here,

he don't like
our stogies.

Hello? What about
your diets?

Shut up
before I plug ya!

Promise me
whatever you want,

but you will never
get to Notch Johnson.

He's got this

He is really buff
and so handsome.

Oh, yeah?

Well, let's just say
pretty boy Chip

might not have his looks
when we're through with him.

- Whoo!
- Whoo!

- Whoo! Whoo!
- Whoo!

Oh, B.J. Cummings!

What a nice surprise.

What are you doing
on my side of the tracks?

Nothing much, Ellen.

Whatcha doin'?

Shucking clams.

I love to shuck.

But these clams aren't the only thing
that smells fishy here.

What's going on, honey?

It's just that...well...

a beautiful woman
hit on me last night,

and I just
started thinking, how--

How the dam has burst

and all these strange,
new feelings are flooding your body?

Exactly! It's like
I pulled my finger out of a dike!

Ellen, can you help me?

Can you help me get to
the truth of who I am?

I sure can, sweetie.

All you gotta do
is eat my box lunch.

But I haven't made
that commitment yet.

No, B.J.

Eat this.

No, not now!
You have to wait till tomorrow

when the clock
strikes high noon.


you'll be very hungry,

so whichever item
you choose to eat

will tell you whether
you're straight or a vegetarian.

I'm hoping. I'm hoping.

- Whoo!
- Whoo!

- Whoo!
- Whoo!

Yo! Homeless guy.


Looks like you got

a nice little operation
going here.

I'm comfortable.

Good for you.

Look. We got
a little proposition for you.

From now on,
you're gonna give me

half of your glass bottle
and your begging business.

What do I get in return?

You get to live.

Not much of an upside
for me.

No, thanks.

No, thanks.
Boys, he says, '' No, thanks.''

'' No, thanks''!

I can't watch this.


Hey, get off of him!

Oh, you must be Chip.

Ja, und das
ist verboten!

Oh, you're German.

Hey, do you know how
to make a German cross?

You break his leg.




The odds weren't fair,

Why couldn't they just
fight me man-to-man?

Look at me, Notch.

I feel like Dusseldorf
after the bombing.

Yo, Chief.
This came to you from Fellachio.

Hey! It's
a singing snapper!

As seen on TV!

Watch when I squeeze it.

Johnson, meet me on the beach

at high noon,

and bring your guns.

I thought this fish
was supposed to sing.

haven't you seen The Godfather?

When the mob
sends you a fish,

it means they want
to snuff you out.

what are you going to do?

I'll tell you
what I'm going to do.

I'm gonna take him on!

Here's what
I was looking for!

My assault and pepper

Ok, who's with me?

Notch, I've strapped on
many things in my life,

but never a gun.

Sorry, Chief.
I'm half-black, half-Quaker.

Don't look at me.
I'm late for my lip waxing.

Hey, Notch,
will there be food?

I don't think so.


Kimberlee, I can
count on you, can't I?

Notch, it's suicide.

Besides, I signed up
to save lives, not shoot people.

And Chip?

It's always nice
to see you.

So, I guess tomorrow
at high noon,

I'll take on these
no-good-niks by myself.

I'll teach them that
this is my territory.

I'm the don here.

Call me Don Johnson.

I wonder what time it is?

I know! My watch!


Now, if I only knew
what ''high noon'' meant.

Come on, Dorothy.

But I have
some wonderful decorating notions!

Terra cotta tile
in the bathroom,

and that sofa
has got to go!

Oh, you think
it's a little seventies?

Honey, I wouldn't
sit on that thing with your ass.


I'm so hungry!

Maybe I'll just take a peek
so I know what I'm having.

Hey! Hey! I told you
to wait till high noon.

That's 1 2:00.


Come on, Billy! Uhh!

Drop your gun, Fellachio,
or prepare to eat lead!

OK, B.J., this is it!

Ellen said there
are 2 items in my box,

and I need
to choose one.

Oh, now I get it!

Get the kid.

don't shoot me.

I'm gonna wet
my Danskins.

Shut up.

Let Kody go, Fellachio.

No way,Johnson. Not until
you turn the beach over to me.

I'm gonna count to 3.

1 , 2...




Should I eat the taco or the wiener?







Cease fire!

Cease fire!

Hey, everyone!

I have a very
important announcement!

I'm not European!

Ok. You can go back
to what you were doing.





I hate violence,

but I hate
those creeps more.

I left
my Quaker half at home!

All is not quiet
on the Western front.

Welcome, compadres.

Tora tora tora!
Die, icky dog!


Now let's go to work!


Uhh! Uhh!

Go ahead,Johnson.
Shoot me.

Just not
in the face, huh?

I wouldn't waste
the bullets on you, Fellachio.

You know, this whole...

how do you Italians say--

reminds me
of something

my Papa Gigio
used to say to me.

He'd say, '' Notchio,''

Oh, my wife's
too fat for pasta

So I make her
eat calzone

I know that song.

So she'd slip in the lasagna
and now she's all alone


Oh, my wife's
too fat for pasta

So I make her
eat calzone

She slipped
in some lasagna

And now
she's all alone

Hi, teens.
Notch Johnson here.

Trial was held in
the city of Malibu Adjacent.

Here are the results
of that trial.

Gang leader
Vincent Fellachio

was charged with
murder, extortion,

and participating in a badly
executed musical number.

4 trials have resulted
in 4 mistrials,

as all 48 jurors
committed suicide

by tying their hands
behind their backs

and throwing themselves
from bridges.

Fat Tony,
Overweight Sal,

and Morbidly Obese Frankie
were sentenced

to a maximum security
fat farm in Arizona.

Kody Massengil
broke a window

in an attempt to be sentenced
to prison,

but was declined.

Eva Rommel
loved it here so much,

she decided to stay
and take a job

at the Martina Navratilova
Federal Correction

Facility for women.

So until next time,

this is Notch Johnson
saying, ''Ride the big one!''