Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 1, Episode 12 - Attack of the Cocktopuss - full transcript


Musiden, musiden...


Dude, your music rocks.

Oh. Danke schoen.


We're looking for
a German dude...

who plays, like,
a bitchin' ax.

We're into German
techno Polka.

Oh, I just strum
the guitar a little.

It's my way of relaxing.

But thanks, anyway...

All right. Heh.

Musiden, musiden...


Hi, Notch.

What, I didn't
scare you?


Hey, Notch, I was just
telling the kids...

about the legend
of the cocktopuss--

How every year,
on this very day...

the cocktopuss visits
Malibu Adjacent.

Why is it called
a cocktopuss?

Well, because
it has 8 tentacles...

like an octopus...

and a head
like a cock--


You know, a rooster.

Ahem. Anyway...

there are lots of myths
about the cocktopuss...

like it lives
on the ocean floor.

And it has
a mouth so big...

it once swallowed
a whole shipload of seamen.


But don't worry, kids.

There's no such thing
as a cocktopuss.

Tonight's episode:

Son of the beach
is not recommended...

Son of the beach
is not recommended...

for men who use Viagra.

The Mayor
Anita Massengil Seaquarium...

built at a cost
to Malibu Adjacent taxpayers...

of $68.9 million.

A small price to pay...

considering the hoards
of tourists it attracts.


Who cares
if it's empty?

Come on, Mother.

Don't be such
a gloomy Gus.

Remember, a smile
is just a frown...

turned upside down.

Shut up, Kody.

Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

I'm just upset...

because the city council
wants to recall me.

Can you imagine
what it's like...

to have a powerful body
like that all over your ass?

This is
Fishin' with Vern 'n' Jordan.

What's on the menu
for today,Jordan?

Well, I tell ya, Vern...

it's the elusive
California smelt.

We're gonna catch it,
we're gonna kill it...

we're gonna cook it...

and we're gonna
consume it.

So here goes.

Are you ready?

All right!

Hey! Help!

Whoa! That didn't
take too long.

Hey, Vern, this thing's
no California smelt.

Hang on there,
Jordan! Hang on!

Stay with 'im!

- This can't be no smelt!
- You got 'im!

Damn! Look
at that thing.

I never seen
anything like it.

There's your proof.

The cocktopuss is not just
some old sailors' tale.

Vern. Vern,Jordan...

you guys saw the cocktopuss
up close.

How would you describe it?

Well, sir, it
was long and hard...

and it had these blue veins
running through it.

Oh! Oh!
One last question.

And up on the top...

there was a whole bunch
of extra skin...

surrounded sort of
like a, uh...

a blowhole.

But now, it also
had black wiry hair...

and big, slimy
pink lips.

And it smelled like trout.

It was awful.

Thank you.

Thank you, Vernon
and Jordan.

You are both fine
cracker Americans.

I am offering
a $1 00,000 reward...

for the capture--

I mean, rescue
of this creature.

I think you can see
just how badly I want...

to get my hands
on a cocktopuss.

Hey, Chip,
you are really good.

Shoot, dog...

you got it
goin' on!

You really think so?

Chip, we should
jam together.

Did you know
I blow sax?

I read it
on the bathroom wall.

But can you believe it--

Some kids just asked me
to join their rock band.

Really? Well, you gotta let me know
when you're gonna be playing.

'Cause, you know, I like to
get on the dance floor and--

Uh! Shake, shake it!

Me, too.

You know, I always wanted
to be a go-go dancer.

A go-go dancer? Wow.

What would that be like?

Listen up, troops.

The mayor's
given us a mandate.

I have a man date
Saturday night.

Gang, it turns out
there really is...

a cocktopuss.

- Ah!
- Ah!

That's right,
and we've gotta catch it.


Why is it up to us?

Because if we catch it...

the mayor doesn't have to
pay the $1 00,000 reward.

But be careful.

This cocktopuss
is multi-armed...

and dangerous.




Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Stop!

No! Don't!

You're too big,

Oh, I'm sorry. Was it
something I said?

What's the matter?

Wow, you have
a really big gash.

Oh, you poor thing.

Don't worry,
Mr. Cocktopuss.

I know the one person
who can help.

I come in peace.

But if need be, I carry
pepper spray and a rape whistle.

Notch, he doesn't seem
that dangerous.

Well, he's been
very nice to me.

Now, Mr. Cocktopuss,
no touching there.

Notch, I'm worried about
his health. Look at that wound.

And he looks hungry.

I'll bet he lives
on Plankton.

Where's Plankton?

B.J., Plankton
is a small planet.

It's very close
to Krypton.

Hey, you know what
he sounds like?

Anybody seen
Free Willy?

No, but I've been
offered plenty of it.

Girl, it's a movie.

It just came to my hood.

The whale in it sounds just
like this cockto brother.

Well, it just so happens...

I speak
a little whaleish.

Uh, Notch? You know what?
We don't have much time.

I'm gonna go
get some help.

Hey, dudes, it's
the German dude.

Oh, what's up,
German dude?

I want to be a rock star...

so I decided to enlist
in your music corps.

Music corpse! Yeah!

That's German!



Ja! He did it again.
He said, ''ja. ''

What was that song
you were singing before?

Oh. This one.

Yeah. Yeah.

Musiden, musiden...

Um, ok, that's--
Dude, that's cool.

That's great.
That's cool.

But, um, I think it's
gotta have more of a beat.

Yeah, yeah.

Something more like, uh--
Something more like this.

Musiden! Musiden!

Musiden! Musiden!

Go ahead. Sing.

Oh, yeah!

I want sailboats...


fire boats, rowboats,
tugboats, das boots!

What do you mean,
they drowned?

Get me more men.

Do you read me, mister?

Excuse me.

Do you remember
the Village People?

My favorite was
always the sailor.

Mayor Massengil?

What is it,Johnson?
Can't you see I'm busy?

I know where
the cocktopuss is.

But never
too busy for you.

Please, sit down.

Let me fluff
this pillow.

Now, you were saying?

OK, but before
I tell you...

I need a guarantee that no harm
will come to the cocktopuss.

I made a promise to B.J.,
and I intend to keep it.

Notch, how long have
you and I been friends?

We've never been friends.

Exactly, and,
as a result...

I've never had
to lie to you.

I just want to help heal
that poor creature...

and help it
find its home.

OK. Well, in that case,
the cocktopuss is located--

Come on,
take it easy!

Take it easy
with the guy.

It's a harmless

There, there, B.J.

You're a big, fat liar,
Notch Johnson!

You said
you would save him.

I'll never believe you again.
Never, ever!

I didn't know.

Looks like
the Massengil Seaquarium...

just found its
new star attraction.

Mayor, how can you
lie to me like that?

'' Lie''?

I said I'd help find
the cocktopuss a new home.

And I have.

Yeah? Well, I'm telling!

Please stop
poking my friend!


Ladies and gentlemen!
Ladies and gentlemen!

Step right this way!
Right this way!

And see the 12th wonder
of the world--

The Magnificent Cocktopuss!

He dices, he slices.

He's more dangerous
than O.J.

He's the most ferocious

ever to crawl
on the ocean floor.

The Cocktopuss!

And then, I grabbed
that cocktopuss...

with my bare hands...

and I wrestled him
to the sand.

Mayor! Mayor Massengil!

Now that you've captured the cocktopuss,
who gets the reward money?

Well, since I captured
the cocktopuss...

Malibu Adjacent
gets to keep it.

Do you hear that,
city council?

- Mayor!
- Mayor! Another question!

That ain't fair.
You know what I mean, Vern?

That's right.

We was the ones that
captured that varmint.

That reward money
belongs to us.

Yeah, well,
don't you worry...

'cause I got me
a little plan.

Like my daddy
always said...

'' Don't get mad.

'' Do something to get
back at the people...

who done made you mad
in the first place.''

That's catchy.

He's going limp.

I think he's dying.

It's like he got kicked
right in the tentacles.

I let the mayor trick me.
It's all my fault.

B.J., there's an old expression
whales are fond of saying--

It means,
please forgive me.

Notch, I forgive you.

All I know is we gotta
get the cocktopuss' scaly ass...

back to his cockto crib.

But how?

Sometimes, you take the law
in your own hands.

Sometimes, you do
the right thing, baby.


you bust a seaquarium.

Ein, zwei, drei!

Ein, zwei, drei!

Musiden! Musiden!

Musiden! Musiden!

Musiden! Musiden...

Musiden! Musiden!

Musiden! Musiden!

Goin' on!

Hey, how you doin'?

I'm an executive
from the record company.

I really dig those
crazy, way-out sounds...

that you kids
are makin'...

and I wanna sign you cats
to a record deal!





Let me ask you a question.
You guys like groupies?


Oh, no way.

Oh, sweet.

Dude. Oh!

Let me ask you
another question.

Any of you kids
got a drug problem?

Oh, yeah!

Good for you!

Come with me, boy.
I got somethin' for ya.


Try and be quiet!

Notch, why don't we hoist B.J. up
into the air-conditioning vent?

Good idea.

B.J., I'll hoist you
up to that screen...

and see if you can climb
through the duct.


This way.

Wait up!

I--I see the duct's end.


OK, I'll go first...

in case
there's any trouble.

But, Notch,
there's no room to get by.

Don't worry.
Just assume the position.

''Assume the position''?

What are you, L.A.P.D.?

Ah heh heh heh!

Your hair is tickling me.

Shh! Notch.


B.J., you're
such a tight fit.

This is it.

How we gonna
get in, Vern?

Well, I hadn't thunk
that far ahead yet.

Maybe they just forgot
to lock the door.

Are you nuts?

Well, I'll be
my sister's husband.


This way.

Look, Notch, a vent.

I'm afraid of heights.

According to my blueprints, you should
now be about 6 inches off the ground.



Whoa! Stop.

It's a laser.

Jamaica, this is your specialty.
You go first.

Jamaica, how low
can you go?

Ooh, Notch,
that chloroform worked great.

Actually, it
was one of my socks.

There he is!

I told you we'd save you,
Mr. Cocktopuss!

Hold up. The cocktopuss
is buggin' out.

He's pointin'
at somethin'.

Back away
from the cocktopuss!

Yeah. We found it.

If you ain't gonna give us
the reward money...

then we're gonna take it back
and start our own seaquarium.

But if they seen us...

they're gonna know who
took the son of a bitch.

We could kill 'em.

Jordan, that's murder.

Puhh! This is California,
you idiot.

Oh, yeah. Good thinkin'.



- Aah!
- Aah!

Mayday! Mayday!




Go, cowgirl.

Now, pull on the rope!

Pull, Mr. Cocktopuss. Pull!

Come on!

I've got 'im.

Ha ha! We did it.

Oh, Mr. Cocktopuss, I'm so glad
we were able to free you.

Yeah. Now we can finally
get your big cockto booty...

back to the beach.

No. Remember? You're not
supposed to touch me there.

Ha ha ha!

Looks like Mr. Cocktopuss
is feelin' kind of...


- Ha ha ha!
- Ha ha ha!

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Heh heh heh heh!

That's great!
Heh heh heh! Nice job.

Go ahead.
Get in the car over there.

There you go.

Hey, Chip, my man!
What it is, buddy.

Hey, Holmes, whoa!
Hold on one second.

Hey, got a little
thought for ya.

All right, listen.

I don't think that you're
really the kind of guy...

that's into all the partying
and all the girls...

and all the stuff that goes with
being in a rock band, you know?

But that sounds great!

Yeah. That's why you're out.
OK, thank you very much.

But why? I thought I was really
shaking my groove thing.

That's show business.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Later, cockto, bro.

- Grrr!
- Whoo!

Well, you better take off
before the mayor finds us.

Take good care of yourself,
Mr. Cocktopuss.

I'll always
treasure our friendship.

I can't believe
the cocktopuss got away.

Damn it.
I'll kill Johnson for this.

Hey, that must
be Mrs. Cocktopuss.

B.J., he never
told you about her?

Men--they're all the same.

Oh, hi, teens.
Notch Johnson here.

Tonight's show
was about something...

you kids are doing
a lot of these days...

and that's open-mouth kissing.

Sure, it's fun.
It's exciting...

and sometimes
it tastes good...

but open-mouth kissing
can also be dangerous.

Diseases can be passed
through your saliva...

diseases like influenza,
and even worse...

the sniffles.

That's why
I'd like to recommend...

the Notch Johnson
tongue condom.

Easy to use, effective,
and comfortable.


Excuse me, young lady.

Would you like
to open-mouth kiss me?

Are you wearing
a tongue condom?

Then let's make out.

Wow! That's great.

And you know, teens...

it's less expensive
than a pack of cigarettes...

or a cheap bottle of wine.

So until the next time...

this is Notch Johnson

ride the big one.