Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 1, Episode 11 - A Star Is Boned - full transcript

Coming up.



Hi! I love you, too!


I'm gonna throw it off.

Ahh! I can't believe I am this close
to Regina Streep.

I mean, I have seen
all of her movies.

What a talented actress!

Just look at her lip gloss!

Well, the girl
ain't all that anymore.

This is a TV movie.

Worse yet,Jamaica,
it's on basic cable.

The Wetness of Dreams,
take one.



Halibut, Halibut...

fear me not, Halibut.

I carry no hooks.

I hold no tartar sauce.

Uhh! Uhh! Uhh!


I think she needs help.


Aah! Oh!




Hey, lifeguard...

is that some driftwood
in your pocket...

or are you just
happy to see me?


Oh, that!

No, that's a piece
of driftwood.

Tonight's episode--

Guests of our show...

receive ''Son of the
Beach, the Home Game.''

Please! This attempted murder...

is just an isolated incident.


I'm Stevens,
Miss Streep's driver.

This was the third attempt
on her life...

this month.

Really? I didn't know.
Thanks, Stu.

There's only one
star here today...

and that's the man
who saved my life...

Mr. Notch Johnson.

Their mouth-to-mouth
is turning into monkey business.

No, it's not like that.

Notch saved her life,
that's all.

Yo, yo, yo, guys.

I have got to find
a way to raise money...

for Beaches in da Hood.

Jamaica, who are these beaches?

It's my foundation.

I talk to inner city kids...

about what it's like
at the beach.

This year,
I'm bringing postcards...

and a bucket of sand.

So how can we raise money?

We can't do another
car wash like last year.

Uhh! What a disaster!

That car wash was a big,
soapy bust.


There's nothing
between me and Notch...

and I doubt very much
that Notch is a bachelor.

A bachelor?

Thank you.

I love Beaches in da Hood...

because it makes
much more sense...

bringing the beach
to the ghetto...

than shoving all
those folks up here.

Thank you.

We've got some terrific
bachelors here tonight...

and I know one
I'll be bidding on.

B.J., do me a favor.

Whatever the mayor
bids for me...

outbid her!

Chip, I don't have any money.



And now, our host
for the evening...

a great lifeguard...

and a fine, hardworking...

black African American
person of color...

Jamaica St. Croix.

Thank you!

Whoo! This evening
is something...

I've been looking
forward to for years...

cause, uh, it's my chance...

to sell some white people.

But seriously...

our first bachelor...

is someone we like to call...

the Hunker from the Bunker...

Mr. Chip Rommel.

Chip's likes include


and historical denial.

500 dollars.

600 dollars.

Let's finish this now.

One thousand dollars...

and that's my final bid.

Whoo wee!

A thousand dollars, going once...

going twice--

One thousand and one dollar.

Sold, to B.J. Cummings...

for one thousand
and one dollars!

Fine. Take him...

but if I find out you
haven't paid for him, B.J....

you'll be down on your knees.


And now for the man...

you've all
been waiting for...

Mr. Notch Johnson!

Let's start the bidding
for Notch at--

I bid one hundred
thousand dollars.


Dateline, Hollywood.

Actress Regina Streep
is back in the chips...

with movie offers galore.

That is...

since international
playboy and lifeguard...

Notch Johnson
plucked the wet Regina...

from the water.

I love the beach at dawn.

Stevens, wait for us in the car.


there have been other incidents,
haven't there?


but that was before
you came into my life.

Now let's talk about us.


Back off, Hollywood.

I'm not that easy.

Should have known.

Maybe another time.

Stevens, start the car.


Stevens! Not Stevens!

Notch, someone's trying to kill me.

I don't want to die!

Nobody's going to die.

I'm going to be your bodyguard.

'' Last night,
in Malibu Adjacent...

a man was blown...


No trace was found of Stevens...

actress Regina Streep's driver.

At the time, Miss Streep
was with Notch Johnson...

having hot sex.''

Oh, please.

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha!

What? What's so funny?

Kimberlee, you obviously
have a crush on Notch.

Notch and Kimberlee
sitting on the tree


Ha ha ha ha ha!

Guys, trust me.

I do not have a crush
on Notch Johnson.

Yes, I had them all in tears.

You'd be very proud.

Come on.

And, um, are they making an offer?


But they liked me?
They really liked me?

Oh! That's wonderful news, darling.
Ha ha ha!

What? What is it?
Did they find Stevens' killer?

No, but I'm being considered
to play opposite Bruce Willis...

in Die Hard 5!

That's terrific,
but what about Stevens?

Oh, God.

There I go again
thinking about my career.

I'm so ashamed.

Notch, come inside.

I think I need
to get away from it all.

I've got to get out
of these clothes.

Regina, do you have any idea...

who might be trying to kill you?

I don't know.

Stevens said there were notes.

I think they're on the credenza.

The table.

What an idiot.

Who spells whore
with a ''W''?


I need something
to take my mind off of it all.

You're very beautiful.

Take me, lifeguard.

It's not that simple,

Is there someone else?

Her name was Mary.

We were very much in love.

Until that shark came along.

He could've gone for me...

but instead he went
for my beautiful...


Why did the shark
go after Mary?

You see, Regina,
sharks love blood...

and what Mary
didn't tell me was...

her friend was in town.

Her friend?

Her Aunt Flo.

The red menace?

Her feminine cycle.

It was the worst period
of my life.

Maybe I can help you forget.

That's a pretty good start.

You don't have my money
for Beaches in da Hood?

- Uh-uh.
- Uh-uh?

Well, I did get
1 00 Gs from Regina.

All right.
You're off the hook.

Like hell they are!

Now, listen, you two.

You have six hours
to pay St. Croix...

and if you don't...

her new foundation will be called
Beaches in the Prison.



I'd hate to see someone
stick you in the poky.

What is it?

Got food for the lady.

That's odd.

My lunch is usually
made by Wolfgang Puck.

This is from some other restaurant.

Do you think it could be poison?

Yeah, normally, Regina, I don't believe
in the testing on animals...

but, uh, yeah,
let's see what happens.


This lunch tastes like crap.

This is poison.

Goddamn you.


That's Stevens.

But I thought he was blown...


Someone tried to poison me...

but thankfully, Notch Johnson...

once again saved my life.

Can you tell us anything
else about this incident?

I think we're
about finished here.

Thanks for coming.

I want to be alone, darling.

Honey, anybody that wants
to enter this trailer...

will have to enter me first.

Regina, excuse me!

Notch, we need to talk.

- OK.
- OK.

Who are you?

I didn't ask for my plants
to be watered.

I didn't think
it was safe to be here.

Don't worry.

I told that moron
I wanted to be alone.

I couldn't stand the thought of you
with that idiot anymore.

You can't imagine
how disgusting it was.

During sex,
he shouts his own name.

Regina, being here is risky.

Surely you didn't call me up
just to watch you drink.

Shut up and read.

Ah. ''In addition
to Regina Streep...

Angeline Jolie
is also up for the lead...

in Die Hard 5. ''

Angeline Jolie is a hack!

I'm a real star.

That part will put me
back on top where I belong...

once I get some
much-needed publicity.

More publicity?

It'll be the story
of the century.

Notch Johnson is going to die
trying to save Regina Streep.

How's he gonna die?

You're going to kill him...

and make it look
like an accident.

I won't do it.

Yes, you will.

Chip, you were supposed
to have the laundry done...

an hour ago.

I'm sorry.

I've been trying
to raise money...

so I don't have
to go on that date...

with the mayor.

But, Chip, all we have
are these skimpy towels...

and neither one of us is
wearing any underwear.

I'm hurrying.

All I have to do
is add detergent.

It's about time.

Chip, what happened
to our suits?

I must have put bleach
in the washer by accident.

Now what're we gonna do?

Ugh. Our shift
starts in two minutes.

And we can't go out there
in these skimpy towels.

Neither one of us
is wearing any underwear.

Stevens is alive?

But the car exploded.

It sounds crazy,
but I saw him.

He disguised himself
as a food delivery man...

by wearing a mask.


Look, I'm just sayin'
I think you should be careful.

What are people going to think?

I just hope these suits
don't get us fired.

Wait, wait!

I'll tell Notch
it was all my fault...

right before my date
with the mayor.

Excuse me, where did you get
that bathing suit?

Actually, it was an accident.

See, Chip here--

It's so cool!

I'll give you $1 00
for it right now.

Hey, I love that suit.

I'll give you 1 50.

Ooh, do I hear 200?

Yeah, I thought
about joining the academy.


Regina, what's wrong?

It's nothing. I'm fine.

Hey, I'm your bodyguard,
damn it.

Now, what's the problem?

I'm doing a dangerous stunt today...

and I'm afraid the murderer's
going to kill me.

I don't want to die.

Just be careful.

I'll do the stunt, Hollywood.

No, Notch.
I wouldn't dream of it.

Nobody dies on my watch.

I'm doing the stunt!

Oh, Chip.

I'm ready for my date...

and by the looks of your shorts,
you are, too.

Jamaica, here's a check for $1 ,000.

Jamaica, why take
a check for 1 ,000...

when you could have
1 ,001 in cold cash?

Chip, where did you get
such a huge wad?

Let's just say we had
a nice day at the bleach.

Tread water, Halibut.
I'm coming for you.


Oh, Regina,
that was perfect.

Perfect, dear.
We got your close-up.

Is Notch here to do the real stunt?

Indeed, I am!

Just tell me where
to land this thing.

Notch is ready!

I'm ready to go!

Fishermen are ready!

OK, people, here we go.

Be careful, my darling.

I love you so much.

And... action!

Notch is in the air!

The fishermen see him.

Regina sees the fishermen.

The fishermen aim their guns...

and they fire!



Oh, my God.
Notch has been shot.

Oh! Oh, he's dead.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

The killer replaced the blanks
with real bullets.

Actually, I'm OK.


I mean, oh!
Oh, thank heaven.

Excuse me, Regina.

How did you know
those bullets were real?

Well, I--


did you know that I have
perfect breasts?

Well, I do.

Firm, round, supple...

easy on the eyes,
and smooth to the touch.

Too bad they're fake.


You'll find those real bullets...

that Regina knew about
in there.


no doubt one of
these fishermen is...

- Stevens!
- Hey!






It was her idea!

I'm ready for my close-up,
Mr. Scorsese.

Who are you talking to?

Book her!

Attempted Murder One.

Beautiful night, huh, Notch?


That moon sure is smilin' at us.

Uh, Kimberlee, I--
I can't thank you enough.

Oh, I'm a lifeguard.
It's my job.

Well, it's not every day...

you fall in love
with someone...

only to find out she's
trying to kill you.

Don't worry,
you'll find someone new.

I don't know.

First Mary and now Regina.

Notch, you can't be afraid.

You deserve a really great woman.

Well, uh, thanks
for the advice.

Uh, Notch, you have another
piece of driftwood in your shorts.


Yeah, driftwood.
I'll, uh--

I'll take care of that
when I get home.

Well, good night.