Son of a Critch (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Episode #1.9 - full transcript
Adult Mark: My father and I
didn't play hockey
or fix cars to bond.
- We read the paper.
- [papers rustle]
The old man was his own
search engine.
Oh, hell of an article here
about the feds. Scissors.
Adult Mark: He had stacks
of newspaper clippings
that he would reference
to write stories.
I, too, mined the headlines
for fodder.
[Chuckles] Hell of a good
joke in this drabble cartoon.
Scissors?
Adult Mark: Mom and pop got
the news in a different way.
Mary: Oh, Jean got a cab
to work today. Hmph!
I heard she had a date
with an oil rig worker.
I bet she left her car downtown
last night,
and we all know
what that means.
Hey, mail truck stopped
at the o'Connors.
- What's the date? 5th?
- Mm...
It's not the old age pension.
Ah... Welfare cheques are out.
[chuckles]
Poor John O'Conner's been
out of work for months.
He says it's his leg,
but you know what I heard?
- It's his elbow.
- Hmm. [Chuckles]
Hey, Mark, stop playing
with your father.
You need to start practicing
for your school play audition,
- Hmm?
- Audition?
- What play are you doin'?
- It's the easter Carol.
It's the story
of the resurrection, told...
through the eyes
of the innkeeper
Who catered the last supper.
[laughs] they're still doin'
that.
- You know it?
- Know it? I was in it!
I played Hamar, the innkeeper.
My teacher said that
I was spectacular.
Yeah. You were a spectacle,
you mean.
That play was god awful.
[mail thumps]
What part are you trying
out for, Mark?
Hamar, the innkeeper.
[loud thud] Same part!
[paper thumps lightly]
I could help you
to your run lines.
That's what we actors call
rehearsing.
Adult Mark: The old man
was interested in me!
This was unprecedented.
That'd be great.
Chip off the old block.
[paper flaps]
Pop: Oh, they're not cheques!
- Oh no, it's a package!
- What?
Now, why on earth would
they be gettin' a package?
Oh, well, Mary, make us
a cup o' tea, luv.
Looks like I'll be eating
at the window today.
First thing you gotta know,
acting is pretending.
You might hear people say
that acting is listening.
Don't listen,
'cause that'll throw you off.
So, that's a table for
thirteen, no reservation,
and you all wanna sit
on one side?
Well, I'll see what I can do,
but I'm, hmph,
I'm no miracle worker!
Good! Good! Although try it
a little louder!
You really ha' to project
to your audience.
Pretend that there's a deaf old
man in the back of the room.
- What?
- Nothing.
Now, stand with your feet at
quarter to and quarter after
to open yourself up
for your audience.
And it's always a good idea
to address your audience
with a little wave.
Say, "hello, audience!"
Hello, audience!
Goodbye, moron!
This play has always sucked.
[footsteps recede]
Never listen to the critics.
Don't mind him.
He's just jealous.
We never had a special bond
like you and I have.
[Sighs happily]
I'm so proud of you, son,
and I know you're not gonna
let me down.
Now, get in position,
shoulders back,
And... Hello, audience!
Hello, audience!
- Very good.
- Oh.
Feel the magic in the air?
- Yeah.
- That's show business.
[Exhales sharply,
then chuckles]
Oh, your timing's off
by a good five years, my luv.
Well, yes, I'm sure.
Elizabeth critch died in...
[panicked] Dear god!
Give me that!
Yes, hello? Uh, yes,
this is Patrick critch.
You were speaking to my wife,
Elizabeth.
Sadly, her mind has gone.
I know, luv, I know.
It's a very sad situation,
but as you can see,
she's very much alive...
[cord rattles,
struggling grunts]
And stronger than
she would appear.
Yeah... oh, oh, oh my god!
She's wandering towards
the highway, I better go!
[Handset clanks with force]
- Nanny is dead.
- [grunts]
My darling Elizabeth
will always live on
close to my heart.
More specifically,
her pension will also live on
in my bank account,
Because I didn't report her
as dead.
- Oh my god!
- Oh, what's the big deal?!
The government ha' got
plenty of money.
They didn't notice...
Until recently.
Is this the first time
the cra has called here?
Yeah... what do you mean,
today?
Jesus in the jungle!
You will put an end to this,
or I will reunite you
with your wife
Sooner than you thought!
[Footsteps recede]
[♪♪♪]
[plastic hockey sticks thwap]
Adult Mark: In the gymnatorium,
the nerds and the jocks
were forced to walk the line
between sports and art,
as if they were walking
a tightrope.
Which, come to think of it,
[players yell]
Is itself both a sport
and an art.
[Sticks thwap,
shrill whistle blast]
Would you kindly keep
your balls to yourself
and away from my stage?
Mr. Byrne: Wha... your stage?!
This is my gym!
This is St. Brigid's.
- Ball hockey is a religion!
- Ugh!
And my b'ys need practice
just as much as your girls -
and Mark and Ritchie.
[shrill whistle blast]
What part are you trying for?
Hamar? Casca?
Stage manager!
Or maybe props master.
Is it better to be a manager
or a master?
It's better to be a star!
You could try for casca
the centurion?
It's only one line,
but you'd be onstage
for almost the whole show.
Nah, you're the actor.
I bet you get the lead;
- You can really work a crowd.
- I'm sure there's plenty
of kids who'll give me a run
for my money...
[shrill whistle blast]
But thank you.
[Ruler thwaps loudly]
Tina, why don't you
start us off?
[Shrill whistle blast,
indistinct chatter]
[Quietly] "Sorry, centurion.
There are no... Free refills."
[Shrill whistle blast]
Adult Mark: Oh, Tina.
I guess her dad never told her
about the deaf old man.
[Shrill whistle blast]
This was a lock.
- Oh! Anything for me?
- Uh... Let me check.
Bills...
[mail rustles]
- Magazine for mom.
- Mm-hmm.
- And cpp for you and...
- What?!
- Elizabeth critch.
- Give me that!
- Grandma?
- What do you read my mail for?
- That's a federal offense!
- You asked me to.
Aye, well, why aren't you
at school?
Ah, you... go on with ya
before I rat you out
for being on the pip.
You're welcome.
What are you goin' on about?
Nothing!
[Marching band music plays]
What fresh hell is this?
[♪♪♪]
[shrill whistle blast]
Lovely, dear.
[Shoes squeak,
players grunt and yell]
Who's next? Mark.
[Piano intro plays]
[Players shout, sticks thwap]
Centurion! I recognize
the man you describe!
He's upstairs with a dozen
of his friends.
Cheap bunch.
They ordered one fish, a loaf,
and a jug of water,
and want thirteen different
bills.
Go on in!
Get those bums out of here!
Adult Mark: And the Oscar
goes to...
it's nice, Mark.
Adult Mark: Nice?!
I killed it!
She was probably downplaying it
so the other kids wouldn't feel
totally inferior.
- [Hard whack, ball thuds]
- Ow!
[Everyone laughs]
- That's it! I warned you.
- Ow!
Your ball is mine now, byrne!
Hey, I need that to finish
the game!
And I need more kids
for this play.
Whoever shot this ball
is in the play
or you're not getting your ball
back, sir.
Yeah, sure, sounds fair.
- Go on, fox.
- No way! I'm the best player!
Now!
- [Stick clatters]
- You're dead for this, critch.
You're the one who hit me!
Come on, up you go.
[Players chuckle]
- [Script rustles]
- Move!
[Indistinct chatter]
[Dramatic music plays]
[Readying exhale]
[Angrily] They're just
poor men!
Why should I have
to serve them?
When do I get a break?!
Someone should serve me!
[Dramatic music swells,
then fades]
[Gasps] The intensity!
Bravo!
[Hands clap lightly]
[Stunned laugh]
She's amazing.
It was a little big.
What about you, Ritchie?
Oh, rit-Ritchie's more
of a props guy.
Heart of gold,
but he isn't an actor like me.
Oh, he isn't, is he?
He's just not cut out
for stage work.
He's a behind-the-scenes guy.
Heart and soul
of the operation.
I've made my decision.
Fox will play the innkeeper's
wife
and Ritchie will be Hamar,
the innkeeper.
- Me?
- Him?!
But he didn't even audition!
Well, maybe he would have
if you had been more
supportive, Mark.
Or should I say,
casca the centurion.
Casca?! But...
He only has one line
and it... It's terrible.
Well, that will give you
more time
to learn a lesson
about humility.
- [Chair scrapes back]
- So I'm, I'm doing this now?
Yes.
Adult Mark: Humility...
Or humiliation?
[Rock music plays]
[♪♪♪]
[door clicks open
and bangs shut]
So... [chuckles excitedly]
How'd the auditions go?
Uh, mm... Okay, I guess.
Better than okay, I hope,
after all that coaching.
So, did you get it - Hamar?
Actually, [sighs] I...
Adult Mark: I wanted to be
an actor.
I'm... Yes, I'm... I'm Hamar!
[Excited] Hamar! Ha-ha!
Adult Mark: And after all,
what is an actor
but a glorified liar?
- Like father, like son!
- Hmm.
Adult Mark: If only
sister Margaret
had seen that performance.
[lunchbox thumps]
O: ♪ Anything is possible ♪
[cars rumble past]
♪ I believe it's true
Mary, look at the way
he carries that plate.
Such authenticity!
I really feel like
I'm in a restaurant.
Yes, I can see by the way
you expect to be served.
- Do I have to go to this play?
- No!
Uh, the arts aren't
for everyone.
In fact, all o' you can skip it
if you want.
- [Snorts softly]
- Great!
- I'm going to the movies.
- You'll do no such thing!
Your brother is starring
in a theatrical production.
Dad, it's really not
that big a deal.
It is to me.
We are all gonna go see
that play,
And I don't wanna hear
another word about it,
- understood?
- Both: Yes.
Radio: ♪ Always look on
the bright side ♪
♪ And take a happy sound
[phone rings,
running footsteps]
- [Handset clatters]
- Good day. Critch residence.
- [Gasps] Elizabeth critch?
- Hey.
She can't come to the phone.
She's lying down.
One might say...
She's dead to the world.
Oh, I see. Yes.
Thank you.
[handset clicks]
[Hands tap]
I owe you, Mary.
'Course, I won't be able
to pay you
Until the next cheque comes.
They wanna talk to her.
- What?!
- That's right.
The cra needs to confirm
her identity
and they're gonna call back
tomorrow.
Sweet Jesus!
- What am I gonna do?
- Oh!
Well, I for one,
cannot wait to find out.
- [Handset rattles roughly]
- Ugh.
Uh... Uh...
I mean, I... I have an idea,
because you know how much
Elizabeth loved you.
Yes.
I mean, she told me many
times you were her favourite.
- Mm-hmm.
- I mean, really loved you.
So perhaps... I mean...
I think you'll agree to this,
it would be very simple if...
- You pretend to be Elizabeth.
- Oh, pop!
Oh, no, no, no.
No, I-I-I-
I swear, I swear,
I'll report you -
I mean, her dead next week.
You have my word on it.
Now, Ritchie, I hope
you've memorized your lines.
You're our little star.
Don't worry, sister.
My dad's been helping me
learn them.
Oh, he must be very proud.
Adult Mark: As Ritchie's love
of the stage grew,
Mine faded like
a broken spotlight.
Sister Margaret: Action!
[Woodenly] There you are,
dear wife!
How goes it in the party room?
Not great, Hamar.
They're all sitting on
the same side of the table.
That table should seat
twenty-four!
We need the space,
it's thirsty Thursday!
Adult Mark: Ritchie was so bad
that even sister Margaret
was having trouble
believing in the Bible.
So... What'd you think?
Uh... Very interesting
choices.
I mean, I... I wouldn't make
them myself,
but who cares what everyone
else thinks, right?
Was it that bad?
[Marker squeaks]
Maybe you should
just do it then.
Adult Mark: Time to steal
the spotlight!
I guess. I mean, if you told
sister Margaret
you really, really
don't wanna be Hamar,
I... Could do it.
You could still do props!
It's a win-win.
Fox: Sister!
Mark's trying to get Ritchie
to drop out and do props.
That's a lie!
Adult Mark: That was the truth.
Since you seem to be having
trouble learning humility,
I'll help you: You're out
of the play altogether.
Uh, I need to learn that
humility stuff.
Kick me out, too, sister!
Please, I'll do anything!
Okay, you can do the job
You're so anxious for Ritchie
to do:
Props.
Now, Ritchie,
let's take it from the...
"no shoes, no service"
foot washing scene.
I like that scene.
And this time,
don't be afraid to act.
[Woodenly] No shoes,
no service.
Sister Margaret: Jesus, Mary,
and Joseph.
[Car rumbles]
Mike sr.: Come on, will ya?!
The play starts in
half an hour!
- What's the hold up?!
- I waiting for a phone call,
but... [sighs] I guess
we'd better go.
[Yelling] Mike,
get in the car!
[Phone rings]
[Running footsteps]
- Name?
- Elizabeth critch.
- Birthday?
- June 29th.
Really? I wasn't even
in the ballpark.
- I don't think I can do this.
- Yes, you can!
Nobody better at talking about
other people than you!
You were born for this moment.
[phone continues ringing]
- [Handset rattles]
- Hello?
[Clears throat]
Yes, this is Elizabeth critch.
Well, of course I'm alive!
Doesn't it sound like it?
Yes, yes!
June 29th, 1908. I remember
like it was yesterday.
[Giggles lightly]
Oh, don't go telling anyone
[gasps] My age
because I still get carded
at the liquor store
- When the light is right.
- [laughs quietly]
- Oh! Oh, I'm feeling feverish.
- What?
Oh, I'm having... [gasps]
Trouble breathing.
[Gasps for breath]
Oh, there's a light
and a tunnel - daddy,
is that you?
I am going to the light now,
bye!
- [Handset clangs loudly]
- What?
I guess that's it.
[phone rings]
- Hmm?
- Mm...
[handset rattles]
Hello? Yes.
This is he.
Oh, my wife, uh... Passed.
So don't send anymore cheques...
Unless... Elizabeth,
are you rallying?
- [Hard slap] Just...
- No, no, no, um...
dead as a dodo.
Yes, well, have a nice day.
[Handset clicks]
Why bother going
to the theatre?
- [laughs]
- I... I mean that was...
the best acting I ever saw
in this town
- Was that tonight.
- [laughs]
That was brilliant.
[laughs goofily,
horn blasts outside]
Off you go.
Aww, aren't you coming?
No. No,
I have someone I need to see.
Mm. [Chuckles softly,
then sighs]
[Door bangs shut]
[♪♪♪]
Adult Mark: Opening night.
In mere moments,
the curtain would go up
and the spotlight would hit
the stage,
illuminating my lies
to the world.
I had no idea what
my end game was.
Mary: Love your dress.
Oh, 'scuse me, 'scuse me.
Mike sr.: Made it.
It's a big night!
Yes, yes. You know,
it's not everyday
- that your son is the star.
- [chuckles]
Thank you.
[Indistinct chatter]
[Camera whirs]
- I know you must be nervous.
- No.
I know you're probably
terrified
You'll forget a line.
Nope. I know 'em all.
I can't imagine what's going
on inside your stomach.
I'm getting pizza after.
Adult Mark: It was useless.
He was unflappable.
And as much as I wanted
the part,
I wanted Ritchie to be happy
even more.
I just wanted to say
I'm sorry.
And I know you'll be
the best Hamar ever.
- Thanks.
- You're gonna be great.
Just had a look.
There's a load of people
out there.
[Sighs heavily]
I guess...
I'll go back to props.
[Camera beeps and whirs,
indistinct chatter]
Adult Mark: Ritchie had gotten
over his stage fright
and discovered his audience
fright.
[Stomach rumbles loudly]
[low, indistinct murmurs]
[Middle eastern music plays]
[Audience applauds
and whistles]
Welcome. Table for one?
Gary: Party of thirteen!
Judas is the name.
There's more where
this came from.
[Coin clatters]
[Audience titters and murmurs]
Adult Mark: I had been jealous
of Ritchie
But, in that moment,
I sure did not wanna be him.
[Tense music plays]
Adult Mark: I had been dying
to play Hamar,
But Ritchie was dying on stage.
Fox: I said,
where shall we seat him?
Audience: [indistinct murmurs]
Adult Mark: I had to do
something.
[Whispering loudly] Ritchie!
"Do you have a reservation?"
Audience: [indistinct murmurs]
Mark: Ritchie! Ritchie!
Ritchie!
"do you have a reservation?"
Fox: I said, where shall we
seat him, Hamar?
[Camera whirs,
audience murmurs]
This isn't how the play goes.
They're making an arse of it.
- Shhh!
- Oh, shush yourself, ya hussy!
- Will you shut it?!
- Oh, stuff it!
- Shut your face!
- You're always in the middle.
Oh, please.
Adult Mark: My best friend
needed help!
I couldn't take it anymore.
I had to act. Literally.
- [Blows out his breath]
- Not so fast!
- Stay the hell off my stage!
- Ritchie needs me!
[Struggling grunts]
[Mark grunts, light thump,
tray clatters]
- Parent: Where'd he come from?
- Oh my!
[Audience murmurs]
[camera whirs]
Adult Mark: At least nobody was
looking at Ritchie anymore.
Hi.
[audience titters]
[Sighs heavily]
Audience!
Welcome to the show!
It is I, casca,
the Roman centurion
who, who... Also picks up
a couple shifts
Here at the restaurant.
[audience laughs]
Adult Mark: I wanted to be
a comedian,
so why not be a rodeo clown?
What?!
Who wants bread?
Adult Mark: Some would say I
was stalling to help my friend,
others might say
I was being a ham.
Either way, this would be the
first last supper scene ever
- With a happy ending.
- Get in here!
Oh... Nice place you got here.
Ever think of doin' a...
A theme night?
I guess toga parties would be...
Too on the nose.
[everyone laughs]
Adult Mark: These weren't
the lines
I'd practiced with my father,
but he didn't seem to mind.
Would it!
[audience laughs]
Get in.
Adult Mark: And Ritchie,
staying on theme,
he Rose again.
- Do you have a reservation?
- Nailed it!
[Audience laughs and claps]
Adult Mark: Life is a lot
like a play.
We all play different parts,
depending on who we're with.
But there's no pretending
to be someone you're not
- around your family.
- Do you have a reservation?
[Clapping] Yeah, bravo!
Bravo! Take a bow!
Adult Mark: Dad turned out
to be my biggest fan.
All right, couple o' notes.
Adult Mark: And he was the only
audience I ever really wanted.
If you're gonna take a bow,
you really wanna sweep
the floor with your hand,
like that. Give it a try.
A little lower.
Always get out there,
and then just bask.
[Heartwarming music plays]
Adult Mark: But the real actor
in the family
was the one acting
like he was tougher
than he really was.
My beautiful girl.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
didn't play hockey
or fix cars to bond.
- We read the paper.
- [papers rustle]
The old man was his own
search engine.
Oh, hell of an article here
about the feds. Scissors.
Adult Mark: He had stacks
of newspaper clippings
that he would reference
to write stories.
I, too, mined the headlines
for fodder.
[Chuckles] Hell of a good
joke in this drabble cartoon.
Scissors?
Adult Mark: Mom and pop got
the news in a different way.
Mary: Oh, Jean got a cab
to work today. Hmph!
I heard she had a date
with an oil rig worker.
I bet she left her car downtown
last night,
and we all know
what that means.
Hey, mail truck stopped
at the o'Connors.
- What's the date? 5th?
- Mm...
It's not the old age pension.
Ah... Welfare cheques are out.
[chuckles]
Poor John O'Conner's been
out of work for months.
He says it's his leg,
but you know what I heard?
- It's his elbow.
- Hmm. [Chuckles]
Hey, Mark, stop playing
with your father.
You need to start practicing
for your school play audition,
- Hmm?
- Audition?
- What play are you doin'?
- It's the easter Carol.
It's the story
of the resurrection, told...
through the eyes
of the innkeeper
Who catered the last supper.
[laughs] they're still doin'
that.
- You know it?
- Know it? I was in it!
I played Hamar, the innkeeper.
My teacher said that
I was spectacular.
Yeah. You were a spectacle,
you mean.
That play was god awful.
[mail thumps]
What part are you trying
out for, Mark?
Hamar, the innkeeper.
[loud thud] Same part!
[paper thumps lightly]
I could help you
to your run lines.
That's what we actors call
rehearsing.
Adult Mark: The old man
was interested in me!
This was unprecedented.
That'd be great.
Chip off the old block.
[paper flaps]
Pop: Oh, they're not cheques!
- Oh no, it's a package!
- What?
Now, why on earth would
they be gettin' a package?
Oh, well, Mary, make us
a cup o' tea, luv.
Looks like I'll be eating
at the window today.
First thing you gotta know,
acting is pretending.
You might hear people say
that acting is listening.
Don't listen,
'cause that'll throw you off.
So, that's a table for
thirteen, no reservation,
and you all wanna sit
on one side?
Well, I'll see what I can do,
but I'm, hmph,
I'm no miracle worker!
Good! Good! Although try it
a little louder!
You really ha' to project
to your audience.
Pretend that there's a deaf old
man in the back of the room.
- What?
- Nothing.
Now, stand with your feet at
quarter to and quarter after
to open yourself up
for your audience.
And it's always a good idea
to address your audience
with a little wave.
Say, "hello, audience!"
Hello, audience!
Goodbye, moron!
This play has always sucked.
[footsteps recede]
Never listen to the critics.
Don't mind him.
He's just jealous.
We never had a special bond
like you and I have.
[Sighs happily]
I'm so proud of you, son,
and I know you're not gonna
let me down.
Now, get in position,
shoulders back,
And... Hello, audience!
Hello, audience!
- Very good.
- Oh.
Feel the magic in the air?
- Yeah.
- That's show business.
[Exhales sharply,
then chuckles]
Oh, your timing's off
by a good five years, my luv.
Well, yes, I'm sure.
Elizabeth critch died in...
[panicked] Dear god!
Give me that!
Yes, hello? Uh, yes,
this is Patrick critch.
You were speaking to my wife,
Elizabeth.
Sadly, her mind has gone.
I know, luv, I know.
It's a very sad situation,
but as you can see,
she's very much alive...
[cord rattles,
struggling grunts]
And stronger than
she would appear.
Yeah... oh, oh, oh my god!
She's wandering towards
the highway, I better go!
[Handset clanks with force]
- Nanny is dead.
- [grunts]
My darling Elizabeth
will always live on
close to my heart.
More specifically,
her pension will also live on
in my bank account,
Because I didn't report her
as dead.
- Oh my god!
- Oh, what's the big deal?!
The government ha' got
plenty of money.
They didn't notice...
Until recently.
Is this the first time
the cra has called here?
Yeah... what do you mean,
today?
Jesus in the jungle!
You will put an end to this,
or I will reunite you
with your wife
Sooner than you thought!
[Footsteps recede]
[♪♪♪]
[plastic hockey sticks thwap]
Adult Mark: In the gymnatorium,
the nerds and the jocks
were forced to walk the line
between sports and art,
as if they were walking
a tightrope.
Which, come to think of it,
[players yell]
Is itself both a sport
and an art.
[Sticks thwap,
shrill whistle blast]
Would you kindly keep
your balls to yourself
and away from my stage?
Mr. Byrne: Wha... your stage?!
This is my gym!
This is St. Brigid's.
- Ball hockey is a religion!
- Ugh!
And my b'ys need practice
just as much as your girls -
and Mark and Ritchie.
[shrill whistle blast]
What part are you trying for?
Hamar? Casca?
Stage manager!
Or maybe props master.
Is it better to be a manager
or a master?
It's better to be a star!
You could try for casca
the centurion?
It's only one line,
but you'd be onstage
for almost the whole show.
Nah, you're the actor.
I bet you get the lead;
- You can really work a crowd.
- I'm sure there's plenty
of kids who'll give me a run
for my money...
[shrill whistle blast]
But thank you.
[Ruler thwaps loudly]
Tina, why don't you
start us off?
[Shrill whistle blast,
indistinct chatter]
[Quietly] "Sorry, centurion.
There are no... Free refills."
[Shrill whistle blast]
Adult Mark: Oh, Tina.
I guess her dad never told her
about the deaf old man.
[Shrill whistle blast]
This was a lock.
- Oh! Anything for me?
- Uh... Let me check.
Bills...
[mail rustles]
- Magazine for mom.
- Mm-hmm.
- And cpp for you and...
- What?!
- Elizabeth critch.
- Give me that!
- Grandma?
- What do you read my mail for?
- That's a federal offense!
- You asked me to.
Aye, well, why aren't you
at school?
Ah, you... go on with ya
before I rat you out
for being on the pip.
You're welcome.
What are you goin' on about?
Nothing!
[Marching band music plays]
What fresh hell is this?
[♪♪♪]
[shrill whistle blast]
Lovely, dear.
[Shoes squeak,
players grunt and yell]
Who's next? Mark.
[Piano intro plays]
[Players shout, sticks thwap]
Centurion! I recognize
the man you describe!
He's upstairs with a dozen
of his friends.
Cheap bunch.
They ordered one fish, a loaf,
and a jug of water,
and want thirteen different
bills.
Go on in!
Get those bums out of here!
Adult Mark: And the Oscar
goes to...
it's nice, Mark.
Adult Mark: Nice?!
I killed it!
She was probably downplaying it
so the other kids wouldn't feel
totally inferior.
- [Hard whack, ball thuds]
- Ow!
[Everyone laughs]
- That's it! I warned you.
- Ow!
Your ball is mine now, byrne!
Hey, I need that to finish
the game!
And I need more kids
for this play.
Whoever shot this ball
is in the play
or you're not getting your ball
back, sir.
Yeah, sure, sounds fair.
- Go on, fox.
- No way! I'm the best player!
Now!
- [Stick clatters]
- You're dead for this, critch.
You're the one who hit me!
Come on, up you go.
[Players chuckle]
- [Script rustles]
- Move!
[Indistinct chatter]
[Dramatic music plays]
[Readying exhale]
[Angrily] They're just
poor men!
Why should I have
to serve them?
When do I get a break?!
Someone should serve me!
[Dramatic music swells,
then fades]
[Gasps] The intensity!
Bravo!
[Hands clap lightly]
[Stunned laugh]
She's amazing.
It was a little big.
What about you, Ritchie?
Oh, rit-Ritchie's more
of a props guy.
Heart of gold,
but he isn't an actor like me.
Oh, he isn't, is he?
He's just not cut out
for stage work.
He's a behind-the-scenes guy.
Heart and soul
of the operation.
I've made my decision.
Fox will play the innkeeper's
wife
and Ritchie will be Hamar,
the innkeeper.
- Me?
- Him?!
But he didn't even audition!
Well, maybe he would have
if you had been more
supportive, Mark.
Or should I say,
casca the centurion.
Casca?! But...
He only has one line
and it... It's terrible.
Well, that will give you
more time
to learn a lesson
about humility.
- [Chair scrapes back]
- So I'm, I'm doing this now?
Yes.
Adult Mark: Humility...
Or humiliation?
[Rock music plays]
[♪♪♪]
[door clicks open
and bangs shut]
So... [chuckles excitedly]
How'd the auditions go?
Uh, mm... Okay, I guess.
Better than okay, I hope,
after all that coaching.
So, did you get it - Hamar?
Actually, [sighs] I...
Adult Mark: I wanted to be
an actor.
I'm... Yes, I'm... I'm Hamar!
[Excited] Hamar! Ha-ha!
Adult Mark: And after all,
what is an actor
but a glorified liar?
- Like father, like son!
- Hmm.
Adult Mark: If only
sister Margaret
had seen that performance.
[lunchbox thumps]
O: ♪ Anything is possible ♪
[cars rumble past]
♪ I believe it's true
Mary, look at the way
he carries that plate.
Such authenticity!
I really feel like
I'm in a restaurant.
Yes, I can see by the way
you expect to be served.
- Do I have to go to this play?
- No!
Uh, the arts aren't
for everyone.
In fact, all o' you can skip it
if you want.
- [Snorts softly]
- Great!
- I'm going to the movies.
- You'll do no such thing!
Your brother is starring
in a theatrical production.
Dad, it's really not
that big a deal.
It is to me.
We are all gonna go see
that play,
And I don't wanna hear
another word about it,
- understood?
- Both: Yes.
Radio: ♪ Always look on
the bright side ♪
♪ And take a happy sound
[phone rings,
running footsteps]
- [Handset clatters]
- Good day. Critch residence.
- [Gasps] Elizabeth critch?
- Hey.
She can't come to the phone.
She's lying down.
One might say...
She's dead to the world.
Oh, I see. Yes.
Thank you.
[handset clicks]
[Hands tap]
I owe you, Mary.
'Course, I won't be able
to pay you
Until the next cheque comes.
They wanna talk to her.
- What?!
- That's right.
The cra needs to confirm
her identity
and they're gonna call back
tomorrow.
Sweet Jesus!
- What am I gonna do?
- Oh!
Well, I for one,
cannot wait to find out.
- [Handset rattles roughly]
- Ugh.
Uh... Uh...
I mean, I... I have an idea,
because you know how much
Elizabeth loved you.
Yes.
I mean, she told me many
times you were her favourite.
- Mm-hmm.
- I mean, really loved you.
So perhaps... I mean...
I think you'll agree to this,
it would be very simple if...
- You pretend to be Elizabeth.
- Oh, pop!
Oh, no, no, no.
No, I-I-I-
I swear, I swear,
I'll report you -
I mean, her dead next week.
You have my word on it.
Now, Ritchie, I hope
you've memorized your lines.
You're our little star.
Don't worry, sister.
My dad's been helping me
learn them.
Oh, he must be very proud.
Adult Mark: As Ritchie's love
of the stage grew,
Mine faded like
a broken spotlight.
Sister Margaret: Action!
[Woodenly] There you are,
dear wife!
How goes it in the party room?
Not great, Hamar.
They're all sitting on
the same side of the table.
That table should seat
twenty-four!
We need the space,
it's thirsty Thursday!
Adult Mark: Ritchie was so bad
that even sister Margaret
was having trouble
believing in the Bible.
So... What'd you think?
Uh... Very interesting
choices.
I mean, I... I wouldn't make
them myself,
but who cares what everyone
else thinks, right?
Was it that bad?
[Marker squeaks]
Maybe you should
just do it then.
Adult Mark: Time to steal
the spotlight!
I guess. I mean, if you told
sister Margaret
you really, really
don't wanna be Hamar,
I... Could do it.
You could still do props!
It's a win-win.
Fox: Sister!
Mark's trying to get Ritchie
to drop out and do props.
That's a lie!
Adult Mark: That was the truth.
Since you seem to be having
trouble learning humility,
I'll help you: You're out
of the play altogether.
Uh, I need to learn that
humility stuff.
Kick me out, too, sister!
Please, I'll do anything!
Okay, you can do the job
You're so anxious for Ritchie
to do:
Props.
Now, Ritchie,
let's take it from the...
"no shoes, no service"
foot washing scene.
I like that scene.
And this time,
don't be afraid to act.
[Woodenly] No shoes,
no service.
Sister Margaret: Jesus, Mary,
and Joseph.
[Car rumbles]
Mike sr.: Come on, will ya?!
The play starts in
half an hour!
- What's the hold up?!
- I waiting for a phone call,
but... [sighs] I guess
we'd better go.
[Yelling] Mike,
get in the car!
[Phone rings]
[Running footsteps]
- Name?
- Elizabeth critch.
- Birthday?
- June 29th.
Really? I wasn't even
in the ballpark.
- I don't think I can do this.
- Yes, you can!
Nobody better at talking about
other people than you!
You were born for this moment.
[phone continues ringing]
- [Handset rattles]
- Hello?
[Clears throat]
Yes, this is Elizabeth critch.
Well, of course I'm alive!
Doesn't it sound like it?
Yes, yes!
June 29th, 1908. I remember
like it was yesterday.
[Giggles lightly]
Oh, don't go telling anyone
[gasps] My age
because I still get carded
at the liquor store
- When the light is right.
- [laughs quietly]
- Oh! Oh, I'm feeling feverish.
- What?
Oh, I'm having... [gasps]
Trouble breathing.
[Gasps for breath]
Oh, there's a light
and a tunnel - daddy,
is that you?
I am going to the light now,
bye!
- [Handset clangs loudly]
- What?
I guess that's it.
[phone rings]
- Hmm?
- Mm...
[handset rattles]
Hello? Yes.
This is he.
Oh, my wife, uh... Passed.
So don't send anymore cheques...
Unless... Elizabeth,
are you rallying?
- [Hard slap] Just...
- No, no, no, um...
dead as a dodo.
Yes, well, have a nice day.
[Handset clicks]
Why bother going
to the theatre?
- [laughs]
- I... I mean that was...
the best acting I ever saw
in this town
- Was that tonight.
- [laughs]
That was brilliant.
[laughs goofily,
horn blasts outside]
Off you go.
Aww, aren't you coming?
No. No,
I have someone I need to see.
Mm. [Chuckles softly,
then sighs]
[Door bangs shut]
[♪♪♪]
Adult Mark: Opening night.
In mere moments,
the curtain would go up
and the spotlight would hit
the stage,
illuminating my lies
to the world.
I had no idea what
my end game was.
Mary: Love your dress.
Oh, 'scuse me, 'scuse me.
Mike sr.: Made it.
It's a big night!
Yes, yes. You know,
it's not everyday
- that your son is the star.
- [chuckles]
Thank you.
[Indistinct chatter]
[Camera whirs]
- I know you must be nervous.
- No.
I know you're probably
terrified
You'll forget a line.
Nope. I know 'em all.
I can't imagine what's going
on inside your stomach.
I'm getting pizza after.
Adult Mark: It was useless.
He was unflappable.
And as much as I wanted
the part,
I wanted Ritchie to be happy
even more.
I just wanted to say
I'm sorry.
And I know you'll be
the best Hamar ever.
- Thanks.
- You're gonna be great.
Just had a look.
There's a load of people
out there.
[Sighs heavily]
I guess...
I'll go back to props.
[Camera beeps and whirs,
indistinct chatter]
Adult Mark: Ritchie had gotten
over his stage fright
and discovered his audience
fright.
[Stomach rumbles loudly]
[low, indistinct murmurs]
[Middle eastern music plays]
[Audience applauds
and whistles]
Welcome. Table for one?
Gary: Party of thirteen!
Judas is the name.
There's more where
this came from.
[Coin clatters]
[Audience titters and murmurs]
Adult Mark: I had been jealous
of Ritchie
But, in that moment,
I sure did not wanna be him.
[Tense music plays]
Adult Mark: I had been dying
to play Hamar,
But Ritchie was dying on stage.
Fox: I said,
where shall we seat him?
Audience: [indistinct murmurs]
Adult Mark: I had to do
something.
[Whispering loudly] Ritchie!
"Do you have a reservation?"
Audience: [indistinct murmurs]
Mark: Ritchie! Ritchie!
Ritchie!
"do you have a reservation?"
Fox: I said, where shall we
seat him, Hamar?
[Camera whirs,
audience murmurs]
This isn't how the play goes.
They're making an arse of it.
- Shhh!
- Oh, shush yourself, ya hussy!
- Will you shut it?!
- Oh, stuff it!
- Shut your face!
- You're always in the middle.
Oh, please.
Adult Mark: My best friend
needed help!
I couldn't take it anymore.
I had to act. Literally.
- [Blows out his breath]
- Not so fast!
- Stay the hell off my stage!
- Ritchie needs me!
[Struggling grunts]
[Mark grunts, light thump,
tray clatters]
- Parent: Where'd he come from?
- Oh my!
[Audience murmurs]
[camera whirs]
Adult Mark: At least nobody was
looking at Ritchie anymore.
Hi.
[audience titters]
[Sighs heavily]
Audience!
Welcome to the show!
It is I, casca,
the Roman centurion
who, who... Also picks up
a couple shifts
Here at the restaurant.
[audience laughs]
Adult Mark: I wanted to be
a comedian,
so why not be a rodeo clown?
What?!
Who wants bread?
Adult Mark: Some would say I
was stalling to help my friend,
others might say
I was being a ham.
Either way, this would be the
first last supper scene ever
- With a happy ending.
- Get in here!
Oh... Nice place you got here.
Ever think of doin' a...
A theme night?
I guess toga parties would be...
Too on the nose.
[everyone laughs]
Adult Mark: These weren't
the lines
I'd practiced with my father,
but he didn't seem to mind.
Would it!
[audience laughs]
Get in.
Adult Mark: And Ritchie,
staying on theme,
he Rose again.
- Do you have a reservation?
- Nailed it!
[Audience laughs and claps]
Adult Mark: Life is a lot
like a play.
We all play different parts,
depending on who we're with.
But there's no pretending
to be someone you're not
- around your family.
- Do you have a reservation?
[Clapping] Yeah, bravo!
Bravo! Take a bow!
Adult Mark: Dad turned out
to be my biggest fan.
All right, couple o' notes.
Adult Mark: And he was the only
audience I ever really wanted.
If you're gonna take a bow,
you really wanna sweep
the floor with your hand,
like that. Give it a try.
A little lower.
Always get out there,
and then just bask.
[Heartwarming music plays]
Adult Mark: But the real actor
in the family
was the one acting
like he was tougher
than he really was.
My beautiful girl.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]