Son of a Critch (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Father Critch - full transcript

[Organ music plays]

[♪♪]

Sister Margaret: Fox!

If you are old enough
to get confirmed,

You are old enough
to behave in church!

If you embarrass me
in front of father Moore,

I'll give you
a big enough fright

to scare the crap
out of a toilet,

- Ya saucy little...
- [clears throat]

Father!

The children are so excited
to see you.



Hmm.

Good morning, boys and girls.

Kids: Good morning, father.

Adult Mark: Confirmation.
The catholic bar mitzvah.

I was about to become
a made man.

Father Moore: At baptism,

your parents made a promise

On your behalf

Because you were just a baby.

[Whispers] You're still
a baby.

Father Moore: They gave you
a name.

And now, you will confirm
their promise

And you will choose

your own confirmation name.



Now, sister,
who's doing the reading?

Mark critch, father.

[Chair creaks]
Mark: [exhales deeply]

[Footsteps thud]

[Kid yawns,
paper rustles]

"Jesus said,
'suffer little children

and forbid them not
to come unto me:

For such is the kingdom
of heaven.'"

Adult Mark: There was no bigger
stage than an altar.

Mass was the biggest show
in town.

[lights snap on]

Are there any catholics here
tonight?

Everyone?! My kinda room!

[Cheesy comedy club music plays]

The other day this old lady
comes into the confessional,

She says, "father forgive me!

When I was young,

I cheated on my husband!"

I said, "lady, you confessed
that last Sunday."

And she says, "I know.

I just like talking about it!"
[kids laugh]

[Clapping]
Thank you!

Adult Mark: I was born
a catholic,

But I was a practicing
narcissist.

[lights snap off]

[Fox giggles]

Father Moore lived off fear

Like I lived off tea
and Bologna.

Is something funny, miss?

You don't seem ready
to receive the holy spirit.

I ain't afraid of no ghost.
Kids: [giggle]

Sister Margaret: Jesus, Mary,
and Joseph!

When I was their age,

I felt the holy spirit
so strongly

That I received my calling.

But perhaps your class

isn't ready for confirmation,
sister.

Adult Mark: I, too, had
a calling - to be a star -

And now I saw an opening
to audition

to be the leading man.

I... Feel something...

Inside.

Well, hold it!

No one is going
to the washroom.

No.

I... Want to become...

A priest.

[A backing band plays
as a gospel choir sings]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

Mary: A priest?
Mike Jr.: Oh!

At least he'll never have
to worry about

- Breaking the vow of celibacy.
- [scandalized gasp]

Are you cracked? A priest?!
With all that's going on?!

Why? What's going on?

Adult Mark: You can't talk
about the '80s in newfoundland

Without talking about
the sexual abuse scandal

In the catholic church.

That is, unless you were
my parents.

- None of your business.
- It's nothing that you...

- Shut up, pop.
- Have to worry about, honey.

Hmm.

[Footsteps approach]

Pop: [sighs]

[cars zoom past outside]

I'm sorry if we were
hard on you, but...

You know, you're a bit young
to be signing up

with that crowd
of sadistic arseholes.

Nice apology.

I mean, if they're so bad,

then why do you go to mass
every Sunday?

Can't hurt to play
both sides.

As long as you confess,
you're golden.

Have you chosen your
confirmation name yet?

I mean, we've got enough Mikes.

[Sighs] Patrick.

- [Pleased] Mm... Really. Hmm.
- Not for you.

Patrick is father Moore's
first name.

He's gonna be my sponsor,

and he said I'd be a fine
priest.

Nice. Hmm.

You know, perhaps we should
invite him over,

get to know him a bit better.

What about tomorrow night
for supper?

- Really?
- Yeah, absolutely.

Oh, I'd love to say a few words
to father Moore - ha!

Believe you me.

Um, why don't you come on
down and join me,

Say a prayer for nanny?

Oh, uh, I'd rather just
sit here

'cause I've got bad knees,

but hey,
I'll say one for her

and I'll say one for you.

- Hmm.
- Hmm?

Mark: Dear lord, please keep
my nanny safe,

Forever and always.

[Organ and choral music plays]

[♪♪]

[Chip bag rustles]

[Chip bag rips open]

What's with the "exorcist"
get up?

Mark is preparing himself.

He signed us up to be
altar boys.

He would've asked you too,
but, you know...

Boys.

[Chip bag rustles violently]

Hey! My chips!

"let he who is without sin,
cast the first stone."

Students: [indistinct chatter]
Kid: Wait up!

Adult Mark: The whole house
went into a priestly panic

as mom and dad cruxi-fixed
the place up.

[Radio clicks on]

Mike sr.: Formal charges
were laid today

against clergy in St. John's.

A lawyer, speaking on behalf
of the Vic...

- [radio clicks off]
- Of all the jeezly times

To have a bloody priest
poking around.

[Cupboard items rustle,
door thumps shut]

And you better not start,
tonight!

This is about Mark.

I don't start things,
I finish 'em.

[Crunching,
hanger clatters]

[Wardrobe door thumps shut]

- What are you doing?
- I'm hungry.

Fox stole my chips.

- That's the body of Christ!
- No, it's not.

It's just bread until
the priest blesses it.

- There!
- You're not a priest.

They don't even have a taste.

Yes, they do.
They taste like... Paper.

Adult Mark: Snacking on
a sacrament was a big sin,

but like Adam with the apple,

I was tempted.

[Slow crunch]

- Good, right? Ha!
- Mmm.

[Footsteps approach,
solemn organ music plays]

- Mmm!
- [clears throat]

Before your first mass
as altar boys,

you'll have to give confession,
of course.

[Church bell tolls]
Adult Mark: Confession!

I couldn't tell
if he had seen us,

But I knew there was only
one thing to do.

Lie!

[Les back]

Adult Mark: The confessional.

God's little interrogation
room.

Forgive me father,
for I have sinned.

It has been two weeks
since my last confession.

Go ahead, child. Confess.

Adult Mark: I couldn't bring
myself to confess my own sins

So I flipped on my family

Like a mobster turned
FBI informant.

Pop swears all the time.
Like, a lot.

And I'm pretty sure my brother
has reefer in his room.

Um, mom gossips -
terrible habit, and dad...

Let's focus on your sins.

Did someone tempt you
to sin today, Mark?

Adult Mark: I chose to walk
in the footsteps

of one of the most famous
christians ever...

Well...

Adult Mark: Judas.

[Door clicks open,
kids murmur nervously]

[Door thumps shut]

[Whispering] You didn't tell
him, did you?

Did he see us eat them?

[Door clicks open]
Father Moore: Ritchie?

- [Whispers] Does he know?
- Ritchie? Now!

[Organ music plays,
kid: I'm so scared.

- [Confessional door slams shut]
- Mark: [whimpers]

Father Moore: Bless us,
o lord and these thy gifts,

Which we are about to receive
from thy bounty

Through Christ, our lord.

All: Amen.

Bread, father?

I believe I hear you
on the radio

More than I see you in church,
Mr. Critch.

Oh, he works Sunday's,
father.

- No rest for the wicked.
- Hmm.

Pure! No rest for the pure.

- Uh... Beets? Pickles?
- No.

I've taken an interest in Mark.

It's rare to find a boy of
his...

faith these days.

People are...

Turning away from the church.

Well, I think we all know
why that is, father.

Adult Mark: I was oblivious
to the elephant in the room,

even though pop had hopped up
on its back

And was tickling its ears.

The devil can work
in mysterious ways, too.

I wouldn't believe everything
you hear on the radio.

Good people,
their names slandered.

We haven't named any
of the accused, father.

Well, perhaps you should
mention some names.

The names of the accusers.

I believe the word
you're looking for

is "victims," father.

[Awkwardly] Uh...

What's your favourite
Bible passage, Mark?

- Oh, the one from my reading.
- Oh yeah.

"Suffer little children

and forbid them not,
to come unto me."

Pop: Ah. "Suffer little
children."

Now that should be right up
your alley, father.

Dessert!
[laughs nervously]

- Would you like a flakey?
- Ugh.

You know...
I'm losing my appetite.

And you?

- Hmm?
- Uh...

Give a man a fish
and he eats for a day.

Take a man fishing

and he will eat... Later.

Uh-huh. Ha.

What's yours, father?

Matthew 7, 1-5.

"Judge not,
that you be not judged."

Do you know what mine is,
father?

Luke 12:2.

"Nothing is covered up,
that shall not be revealed;

Or hidden,
that will not be known."

Chew on that one, padre.

Adult Mark: I was too young
to know any better.

Pop, on the other hand, was
too old to give a flying fu...

Fudgee-o?

I believe I've had enough.

Thank you for the meal.
It was... Ample.

- I'll see you out, father.
- Thank you, Mark.

Mike sr.: [sighs heavily]
Mary: Ugh!

- [Door clicks open]
- Sweet Jesus.

Ugh! I've got the shivers.
It's like Dracula was in here.

What a prick!
God forgive me.

You couldn't do this
one thing for me!

Mark, there's a lot
you don't understand.

Then tell me!

[Sighs heavily]

[A violin lament plays]

[♪♪]

[Disappointed exhale]

[Whimpers] Oh...

[footsteps recede,
bedroom door bangs shut]

The boy is old enough.

[♪♪]

Adult Mark: Newfoundlanders
are used to storms,

but over the next few days

it felt like the darkest clouds
we'd ever seen

Were rolling in over us.

Attention, please, children!

Uh...

I'm sure you've been hearing
some rumours about the church.

You must have a lot
of questions.

Adult Mark: Finally,
a ray of light!

Well, you better not
ask them!

It's none of your business!

Adult Mark: Followed
by showers.

On an unrelated note,

Father Moore is no longer
with us.

- Kid: [gasps]
- [shocked] What?!

It's going to be okay.
You see, children,

Father Moore has...

[clears throat]
Been transferred overseas.

I've been asked to introduce
his replacement,

Father Garcia.

Adult Mark: I had lost
my mentor,

But I was sure his replacement
would be just as...

Hey, kids!

My name is father Garcia,
but you can call me Gary.

Uh, and that you most
certainly will not...

Look, collar in the corner,

Ain't nothing special
about a priest, okay?

I'm no different from uh...

[snaps fingers] Hey,
what's your name, buddy?

Ritchie.

Ritchie. Cool!

Heck, I wish I was as cool as
ritchie over here! [High-five]

What's your confirmation name,
bro?

Romeo. Like my uncle.

Whoa! Loverboy over here.
[chuckles]

How about you, buddy?

Patrick.
Kid: [clears throat]

It's Mark, right?

I hear you like comedy.

Well, did you know that
there was a Saint hilarious?

It's Patrick.

I see. Okay.

Um... Sister?

[Exhales heavily]

Ya ever listen to music
backwards

to hear hidden satanic messages?

- Oh! Over there. [Chuckles]
- Um...

Well, sometimes I like
to listen to music forwards

To hear hidden
Christian messages.

One, two, three and...
(starts playing the guitar)

♪ Goin' up to the spirit
in the sky ♪

♪ That's where I'm gonna go
when I die ♪

♪ When I die
and they lay me to rest ♪

♪ I'm gonna go to the place
that's the best ♪

♪ Spirit in the skyyyy!
[kids clap to the rhythm]

Adult Mark: I was being
upstaged!

I felt the holy spirit leave me

As if I'd just popped
a spiritual zit.

God was dead.

♪ I'm gonna go to the place
that's the best ♪

♪ Spirit in the skyyyy!

N
Before confirmation.

Get it all out now -

Your lies, your thefts,

Your disgusting urges.

Vomit up the darkness.

Pop in!

Actually, sister, um,
I'm all about talking to god,

I just don't like hiding
in a box to do it.

So, kids, we're gonna rap
face-to-face...

Right over here.
Come on.

The arse is out of 'er.

Hey, Mark?

[Kids whisper and murmur]

Forgive me, father,
for I have sinned.

It has been one day
since my last confession.

Whoa, Mark.

Can't be anything worth
confessing, buddy.

Um... I guess I'm your sponsor
now, huh?

What do you think about that?

All right, okay, I get it.

Strong, silent type.

Well, go in peace.

What's my penance?

You didn't sin.

Adult Mark: No penance?

What's the point of being
catholic

If there isn't any guilt?

Mark? I'd like to meet
your parents.

You know, sponsor and all.

I'll stop by after school.

[Kid yawns nearby]
Next?

Casanova.

[Upbeat music plays]

[Magazines rustle]

[♪♪]

Thank you for the wine,
father. You shouldn't have.

Pop: Well, we don't even have
a corkscrew.

Um, father, have you been
a priest for long?

Uh, five years.

Uh, I was trying to find
myself,

And then I ended up in Antigua
with a girl I was dating.

Oh!

Wha... A priest can't date.

Well, I wasn't a priest
at the time.

And when she dumped me,

That's when I found the lord
and the rest is history.

Oh. So, Jesus is your
rebound?

- Mike!
- [laughing] That's good!

No, he's right. [Laughs]

I, uh, cried myself to sleep
in his arms every night.

- So, uh, Mr. Critch...
- Mm-hmm.

I understand you work
at the radio station?

- Is that correct?
- Oh, here we go!

I won't have it, father!
I'm sorry, Mark,

But I won't let anyone,
not even a priest,

Tell me what I can
or can't say on air.

Hear, hear.

Oh, I'm-I'm so sorry.

I... I just wanted
to give you this.

- Hmm?
- Um...

I write and record
my own pop songs,

And I was just wondering

If you could give it to a dj
is all.

Uh... I, I'll see
what I can do.

I, I could give it
to dick Dunphy.

I mean, I-I-I can't promise
anything, but uh...

- You would do that?
- Yeah, sure.

That's awesome.
Thank you!

- You rock!
- [chuckles]

- That's great!
- [chuckles]

[pop chuckles,
Mike sr. Sighs heavily]

[Awkward silence,
father Garcia sighs]

Does anyone have
any questions about um...

Everything that's going on?

'Cause, you know,
we could talk about it.

Pop: I don't think
it's a conversation

For the dinner table, father.

Oh, well...

Can someone tell me
what's going on?

For the love of god!

Shall I put on the kettle?

You don't have to stay
for this, father.

I-I would like to,
if it's okay?

[♪♪]

Uh... There's an orphanage

And it's run by the church
for...

It's been run there by them
for a long time.

Adult Mark: The skies were
clearing,

But nothing would ever really
be the same again.

There's a thin line
between a secret and a lie.

[♪♪]

I don't think I believe
anymore.

Santa claus?

I'm being serious.

[Chuckles] Yes, a bit
too serious, if you ask me,

For such a young boy.

Agh.

You never wanted to be a priest.

Yeah, I did! I...

I wanted to give sermons.
I wanted to be respected. I...

Pop: I think you should be
an optometrist.

Why?

You're always saying,
"I, I, I."

Look. There are better ways
to help people

Than scare the crap out of them
in a collar.

Pop?

Yeah?

Hm.

Would you be my confirmation
sponsor?

[Emotional] Yeah.

I'd be mighty proud.

Mighty proud.

Okay.

[light clicks off]

Night.

Goodnight.

[Poignant music plays]

[♪♪]

"But Jesus said,
'suffer little children

And forbid them not
to come unto me:

For such is the kingdom
of heaven.'"

Adult Mark: When I first heard
those words

I pictured children suffering.

But now, after that dark year,

I see it as, "let the children
ask their questions."

Some job. [Chuckles]

Adult Mark: I would have a lot
of them in the coming days,

Months and years.

[Zippo lighter snicks]

I may have lost some faith
in others,

But I was starting to have
some faith in myself.

[Organ music plays]

♪ When I die
and they lay me to rest ♪

♪ Gonna go to the place
that's the best... ♪

Oh, yeah.

♪ When I lay me down
to die ♪

♪ Goin' up to the spirit
in the sky ♪

- [clapping]
- ♪ Spirit in the sky

♪ that's where I'm gonna go
when I die ♪

♪ When I die

♪ when I die
and they lay me to rest ♪

♪ I'm gonna go to the place
that's the best ♪

- [laughing]
- ♪ Spirit in the sky

♪ It's where I'm gonna go
when I die ♪

♪ When I die...

♪ when I die
and they lay me to rest ♪

♪ I'm gonna go to the place
that's the best ♪

♪ Spirit in the sky!

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]