Son of a Critch (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Cello, I Must be Going - full transcript

Growing up,

the most popular room
was also the smallest

but it had the best seat
in the house.

Occupied!

Occupied!

Occupied!

Sweet Jesus,
I've seen it all before!

The only way to avoid
getting in each other's way

was to gather
in the flickering glow

of the modern fireplace
and ignore each other...

Together as a family.



When kids my age
were watching alf,

I was memorizing
Bob hope routines.

I didn't know why the baseball
was getting bigger and bigger

And bigger;
Then it hit me.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

*SON OF A CRITCH*
Season 01 Episode 03

The schoolyard was what
we comedians might call

A "tough room".

Hey, fellas.

Man is it cold today,
or what?

You know, it's so cold
the politicians

have their hands
in their own pockets!

Episode Title: "Cello, I Must Be Going"
Aired on: January 18, 2022.



Say, fellas,

Did you catch that
Bob hope birthday tribute

Last night on TV?

You know you're
getting old

when the candles
cost more than the cake,

Am I right?

This stuff killed at home,
but on the schoolyard

it could very well end up
getting me killed.

You losers want to hear
something really funny?

Eddie Murphy!

Whoa, I hear this is filthy!

Where'd you get that?

It's my dad's.

Mom's gone on vacation
with her dumb-ass new boyfriend

so I have to stay
at his house.

What's so funny?

I had never heard
language like that before.

Not even that time
pop fell asleep

with a lit smoke
in his mouth.

Your father lets you
listen to language like that?

- He doesn't care.
- He's never home.

Give it back.

Clearly, it was time
to freshen up my act.

Exciting news,
children.

The school will be holding
a public speaking contest

and though the Bible
tells us to judge not,

Sister Rose and I
will be doing just that.

It will be happening
one week from today

in the gymnatorium
on the main stage.

- Finally!
- A stage.

Comedy in front of nuns?

Now, that
was my crowd.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

How are ya, folks?

Sisters, fathers,
brothers.

I guess you could say
the whole family is here!

Even the bishop made it.

And he can only move
diagonally.

You're a
great crowd.

I really mean that!

Mark! Mark! Mark!

Mark?

As I was saying, if any of you
would like to participate,

please see sister Rose
to register after school

in the music room.

After school?

I had put my career
on hold long enough.

Sister, may I
be excused?

I left my inhaler
in my coat.

You can
borrow mine.

shut up.

Be quick about it.

He's not quick
about anything.

A vow of celibacy
meant the only passion

in sister Rose's life
was music.

Sister Rose.

Mark Critch.
Such a fan of your work.

A principal who also volunteers
for music and public speaking?

Where do you
find the time?

- Speaking of...
- Hmm?

I would like to register
for the contest!

You're Ritchie Perez's
little friend.

Yes, you'll do nicely.

I guess I do have
a way with words.

Oh, no,
not that.

As you know, Mr. Critch,
I conduct the school orchestra.

I need a
second cellist.

And now you show up
out of the blue.

Yes, this is
divine intervention.

Your friend,
Ritchie, plays

And now you will play
the cello as well.

- Play cello?
- In my school?

This was
a death sentence.

Sister,
I'm flattered,

obviously.

I truly am

but I'm really trying to focus
on my comedy right now.

So, about the contest...

Oh, I'm not asking,
Mr. Critch.

Desperate
for warm bodies,

The nuns had turned
to conscription.

I'd been drafted.

Rehearsals are Tuesdays
and Thursdays at lunch.

Do not be late.

Uhh...

I'm a big fan of lunch
in general.

It's what I call
'me time'.

Maybe...

if you do not
play the cello,

there will be no
speaking contest for you.

Checkmate.

And Mark?

Are you

any relation
to a Mr. Patrick Crritch?

He's my grandfather.

Do say hello for me.

I couldn't sleep.

My dream had become
a nightmare.

Hey!

Let me hear
some noise!

Aren't nuns stupid?

Nun said she saw me runnin'
in the hall the other day.

Know what
I told her?

I told her
it wasn't me!

Look at me.

Do I look
like I run?

I'm so lazy,
I sweat gravy!

Now, what's wrong
with you?

You got a face on ya
like a boiled boot.

Our nun principal
is making me play the cello.

And she said to say
hello to you.

Sister Rose?

Sister Rose.

Oh, that's a long time
since I've heard that name.

Here.

I want to
be a comedian.

I don't want to be
some dumb cellist.

Mm-hm, here.

Everyone will
laugh at me!

- I'll get you out of it.
- I'll write you a note.

That's awesome!

You know, she's not as bad
as she looks.

Thanks, pop.

This should do it.

Here you are.
Now...

Don't open it!

It's strongly worded.

What are you
up to?

I can't show an interest
in my grandson's well-being

without there being
some ulterior motive?

Not usually, no.

- You're not even trying.
- I hate this!

It's your fault
that I'm here.

I'm not apologizing
for being your friend.

Besides, I'm glad
you're here.

My parents make me play
and I'm not very good.

But with you
next to me,

I'm going to look
way better.

Nice.

Huh, first thing
is how you hold the bow:

Make sure your thumb
and number two finger

are across
from each other.

You know what finger
I'm about to use?

Mark!

It was nice
playing with you.

Good luck with it.

I'm so sorry
to do this

But I have to quit.

I'm afraid my schedule
simply does not allow.

I have a note.

Dear sister Rose,

Or "Rosie"

As I knew you then
when life was new

and love
was everything.

Do you remember
that first kiss

Beneath the church
bell tower?

The orange I gave you
was as stolen as the kiss

But it was all I had
to offer you, Rosie.

My forbidden fruit!

I can still taste

the sweet citrus
from your lips.

I swore I would never
let another orange

Touch them again.

I even got scurvy.

The doctor put me
on vitamin c pills

But they gave me
acid reflux.

Anyway, never mind
about that.

Your eternal flame

Will forever burn
in my broken heart.

Rose!

What do you think
you're doing?

Oh!

You come with me.

- Patrick!
- Rose!

- Patrick!
- Rose!

Rose!!

May god forgive me.

P.S. Please excuse Mark
from cello.

The boy is soft.

All the best,
Patrick.

I do not accept
your note.

You can't enter

The speaking contest

Until you have mastered
at least one song on the cello.

And you may give
your grandfather

this note
from me.

Do not read it.

It's a sin to covet
the written words of others,

and it is punishable
by strapping.

I don't remember that
in the Bible.

Must be
post-Vatican 2.

What's in the box,
tool?

Not like you
to lift something heavy.

- I'm sorry.
- If I told you

I'd have to explain
what a cello is

And then I'd have to explain
what an orchestra is,

and I have
a bus to catch.

Aw, little wuss

probably got
his mommy in there.

Forcing my mother
inside a cello case

and then dragging it
around school all day

Wouldn't make me
a wuss,

it'd make me
a psychopath.

I know you are
but what am I?

What?

Oh, gee.

Sounds like he got
a cat in there.

See?

It's a cello.

It's a
big guitar!

No, idiot,
it's a big fiddle.

Ow!

Give it back!

Hey, look at me;
I'm Eddie Van Halen!

Seriously, how is there never
a nun around when you need one?

Okay, that's enough,
nimrods.

- He's gonna miss his bus.
- Oh, you hear that?

Her boyfriend's
gonna miss his bus.

Ooh!

Get in the case.

- Get off me.
- Stop, let go!

Come on, get her in,
get her in.

It was either me or the cello
and I hated the cello

almost as much
as I hated the foxes.

So, I picked me.

Did she read
my note?

Yep, she gave me this.

Hm.

My dearest Patrick,

Oh, how your words
made me tremble.

I felt as though
I was a young girl again.

Patrick...

My heart!

You stay away!

- Rose, don't go!
- Patrick!

Why did you not
fight for me that day?

Stay away!

She who would gladly
spend an eternity in hell

for just
one night

in your
fiery embrace.

P.S.

Mark may not be excused
from playing cello.

While the boy is soft,
I am a cellist short.

I'm going to write
you another note.

Who loses a cello?

I didn't lose it.

It was
beaten from me.

What the hell, fox?

I called you three times
last night - no answer.

I'm staying
at my dad's, dummy.

Where's my cello?

My brother tried to sell it
but nobody wants a stupid cello

so he dumped it
in my dad's backyard.

That's not good, too much
humidity. Varnish wo...

Stay out of this.

You have to take me there
at lunch.

No!

Dad said I'm not allowed
to have kids over.

Well, too bad.

Maybe his kids
shouldn't steal cellos then!

You don't understand.

No, you don't
understand.

That nun
is going to kill me.

We're gonna
be late.

I thought
we were friends

but you're no better
than your brothers.

You're all
the same.

Fine.

Lunchtime.

But you do as I say
or so help me...

I asked Ritchie
to cover for me.

Perhaps I asked
too much.

He's coming.

He just had to go to
the washroom first.

Mm.

I think
he had to poop.

He's been pooping
a lot lately.

Eh, um, we shall
begin without him.

Fox was embarrassed
by her father's house

but I envied her.

I longed for neighbours
to play with

and she literally had them
on the other side of her walls.

I'm not supposed
to just show up.

- That doesn't make any sense.
- It's your house, too.

I don't stay here; It's just
'cuz mom is out of town

with her
dumb boyfriend.

You wouldn't
understand.

Hm.

He should be here
by now.

It's definitely
a poop.

Stop talking
about poop!

I'm going to
check on him.

I have to poop
whenever I eat ice cream.

What?

Every ice cream day,

I bring 50 cents
for a fudge stick.

But whenever
I eat it,

My stomach hurts.

Why don't you just
stop eating them?

They taste
too good.

One time
I didn't make it.

Had to hide my pants
in a snowbank.

Eh, ju-ju-just
play it again.

Listen to the roar

of this capacity crowd

Here at
memorial stadium

For the
superstars of wrestling.

The air was heavy
with an unfamiliar smell

That I now know
as beer.

Whipper Billy Watson

Faces off against

Take it and go!

Be quiet.

He's coming up
against the ropes here now and...

ohh!!

Whipper is really
going to work!

Oh, I mean, how much more
can a man withstand?

This is what you do
when I'm asleep, is it?

I had never been
more terrified in my life

and I was taught
by nuns.

Where'd you
steal that?

- It's his.
- He left it here.

He's just a friend
from school, dad.

This what you do at lunch
times, you bring boys home?

You're just like
your mother, you are.

Just go.

Go!

So, who told you
you could come here?

You tell your mother
and her friggin' boyfriend

that I ain't running no frigging
daycare centre, ya hear me?

Should I play it
again or...

Sorry I'm late.

I...

Sweet merciful Christ.

Pop gave me this
for you.

My dearest Rosie.

As I watched her
pull you away,

I could only
think of two things.

One: That you had
some kind of arse on ya.

And two: That a fool like me
could never offer you

Anything but grief.

What a fool I was
all those years ago.

I know that you believe
in a heaven

that I shall never see

but, if god
pities liars

and we do
meet again,

let us love each other

the way we should have done
from the start.

P.S.

Let the boy
off the hook

and I'll come over there
and grab onto you

like you were
the last life jacket

on the bloody Titanic.

You don't have to
play the cello anymore.

Get out.

Look, I didn't see anything
and I was never in your house,

Okay?

But he shouldn't
grab you like that.

- I knew it.
- I can't trust you.

This is all your fault.

You're dead
if you say anything.

- Do you hear me?
- Dead!

And, in conclusion,

that is why I plan
to keep my virginity

until marriage
and save it for Jesus!

Thank you!

Our next speaker
is Mark Critch.

His topic is...

Jokes.

Mark?

Hello?

I mean,
"how are ya?"

Good news!

The principal said
we are only going to have

a half day of school
this morning.

And the bad news is

We're going to have the
other half in the afternoon.

Uh...

I told my mother I got
a hundred the other day.

I got a 60 in spelling
and a 40 in math.

The old jokes I'd learned
were bombing.

I put fox through all of that
for nothing.

"Screw it,"
I figured.

If I was going to bomb,

at least I'd bomb
with original material.

The other day,
I asked sister Rose

if she would give me the strap
for something I didn't do.

She said,
"no, of course not!"

So I said, "good,"

Because I didn't do
my homework."

I asked sister Margaret
if pets go to heaven.

She wouldn't answer.

I then asked her
if god created everything

then who made god?

She told me to stop
asking questions.

She's not so much
of a catholic nun

and more of a
none-of-your-business.

As sister Margaret dragged me
off the stage by the ear,

I realized I didn't need to be
Bob hope or Eddie Murphy.

I just needed
to be myself.

Ho.

Hm.

- Hm.
- Hm-hm-hm.

Gross!

What was I thinking?

Hey!

Surprisingly,

Once I no longer
had to play the cello,

I actually kind of
wanted to play the cello.

Jesus.

I came to realize
that my family

would applaud pretty much
everything I did,

no matter how lame.

This was a bit
of a letdown.

But it was also
a comfort.

Here, boy.

Good night.

That was really good,
my ducky.

Just play it again.

Some people
want the truth

but there'd be
lots of time for that.

I was happy to have a family
that loved me enough

To lie to me.