Somebody Somewhere (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

(Wind blowing)

"Kansas State Line"
by Connie Conway playing...

(Chickens clucking)

♪ I've never been west of
the Kansas state line ♪

♪ I've stayed home all my life
and I've worked all the time ♪

♪ But I'm a rover at heart ♪

♪ And made up my mind ♪

♪ To see what's out
west of the Kansas state line ♪

♪ My daddy's a farmer ♪

♪ In the Middle West,
he swears that... ♪

(Paper crinkling)



Few quick things before lunch.
Joel, raise your hand.

Joel is gonna be
supervising Krista's team

while she's in recovery.

Don't forget to sign her card.

This afternoon, Larry's team's
gonna meet with me in the annex

to go over the rubric
for Ohio third grade,

so we can get
a head start on that.

Lastly, e-cigarettes...

(loud slurping)

(Sighs)

(Clears throat)

- (Crinkling cup)
- (sniffs)

(laughs)

(Sniffles)



(Gasps)

(Soft crying)

(Sobs)

(Sniffling)

(Crying)

(Gasps)

(Sobs)

(Sniffles, sighs)

(Heavy breathing)

- Hey...
- (gasping)

- Are you okay?
- (sniffs)

Yeah.

Sorry. I was just...

reading this little
girl's essay,

and it wasn't even that sad,

you know?
(sniffs, exhales)

It was just about...

teaching her little
sister how to take her...

training wheels off her bike.

- (Blows nose)
- Must've been a good essay.

It was kinda mediocre, actually.

- (laughs)
- (sighs)

But it just got me.
(blows nose)

It happens.

Sorry, I just...

I lost my sister six months ago,
so I'm a little...

Joel:
I know.

I'm so sorry about Holly.

She was a few years
ahead of us, right?

I'm sorry, I didn't... (sniffs)

I didn't realize that we
went to high school together.

We were in show choir together.

No, I...
I knew I recognized you.

No, you didn't.

- I didn't.
- It's all good.

A lot of people
don't remember me.

Hey, if you wanna take off
for the rest of the day,

I'll tell Irma you got
diarrhea or something.

(Sniffs) Yeah?

And it made me cry?

(laughing)

I guess that is kind
of weird. (Laughs)

I'll think of
something. (Laughs)

I can just leave?

You're free!

(laughs)

- Thank you.
- Feel better.

(Inhales, sighs)

Light theme playing...

*Somebody Somewhere*
Season 01 Episode 01

Episode Title: "BFD"
Aired on: January 16, 2022.

(Birds chirping)

(Brakes creak)

- How's it going, Sam?
- Hey, Ran-dog.

- (Sighs)
- Hey...

- Did you know that Kayleigh Normandin wrote a book?
- Yeah.

Everyone's freaking out
'cause it's about high school.

- Like, our years.
- Oh shit.

So, uh, do we
all get nailed or?

I just hope my DUI isn't in it.

Tammy doesn't know.

Do you think it's
gonna be any good?

Yeah, I wouldn't worry
about that. (Laughs)

You want
a broken muffin?

Yes, I would.

Hey, Shannon, is your mom home?

Shannon (on phone):
Mom, it's Auntie Sam!

- Hey, what are you doing tonight?
- Sam (on phone): Nothin'.

Can I come over and look
through Holly's clothes?

- Sam: Dude, of course! Anytime.
- Awesome.

- Here she is.
- Tricia (on phone): Hey, what's up?

Why didn't you tell me Kayleigh
Normandin wrote a dumb book?

Tricia: Yeah, I mean,
I don't know, because I...

'Cause I don't care?
I don't have time to talk right now.

- I'll just call you back, okay? Bye.
- (clicking)

You know what?
Don't worry about it.

I'll just see you
at Mom and Dad's.

- What the fuck?!
- (truck unlocking)

(Panting)

Oh, I'm sorry. The...

I have the same car. (Laughs)

My mistake. Fuck!

Shannon: Aren't you gonna move
into Aunt Holly's room?

Sam: I don't know. I'm kinda
used to the couch.

(Country music playing on radio)

♪ All I know is heading
down to Nashville... ♪

I love this one.

Sam:
That was just last year.

♪ On a rusty, dusty... ♪

(Sighs) You know, I keep trying to go
through her stuff,

and I get kinda stuck.

♪ Ooh... ♪

Oh my god.
Manic Panic? Can we?

Fuck yeah, we can. (Laughs)

(Sniffs) Oh my god.

I love that smell.
Smell it.

You know what?

I don't know,
my mom might kill me.

Well...

- We could do just the tips.
- Yeah, just the tips.

- Yeah, just the tips!
- Just the tips!

- You know not to fall for that, right?
- Sam, I know!

Okay, I'm just checkin'.

I don't need gloves
for this shit, do I?

- You're good.
- Okay.

- (Radio playing)
- You know that says

- "Lez Zeppelin"?
- Yeah,

- and it's bad-ass, right?
- Yeah, it is.

(Sighs) Check me out.

- Shannon: You look fierce.
- Sam: Hm.

- Look at those guns!
- Yeah.

Show choir...

Oh my god! (Gasps)

I'm such a dick!

There he is...

- You still got it.
- Joel: I never had it.

Look at that gorgeous
wave of bangs you had.

- (laughs)
- This is a very nice manicure, by the way.

Oh, thank you so
much for noticing.

(laughs)

We go to the same church.

- I'm a pianist.
- Pianist?

- (laughs)
- Cute.

Hey, do you miss this?

Fuckin' high school?
No.

No. (Laughs) Performing.

No...

I used to love
watching you sing.

You were so joyful.

It, like,
soaked into me.

Nothing made me happy
in high school,

and that made me so happy.

Thank you.

- Your voice, it was like next level.
- Come on...

It is!

That Peter Gabriel
duet you did

at the Sadie Hawkins dance?
That killed me!

Gah!

Kayleigh Normandin
was so pissed...

- Oh god.
- ...that I got picked for that, but, you know,

you got the voice of an angel,
what are you gonna do?

(Both laughing)

She was like high school talented.
It's not special.

She looks exactly
the same, doesn't she?

- Ah!
- (laughs)

Do you know she has
a book signing on Saturday?

- Um, yeah.
- (laughs)

I had heard a little
somethin' about that.

No offense, but that
is so crazy to me!

Thank you!

Didn't she get caught like
plagiarizing in high school?

- Repeatedly!
- Oh my god!

Do you wanna go?

(lively music playing)

(laughing)

Okay.

Oh my god.

- Oh no. Oh no!
- (laughs)

- Why hire a graphic designer?
- Why?

- No. Okay, uh...
- Alright, just read it.

"As the bus propelled itself
away from the auditorium,

and the clouds began
to deluge around us..."

- Oh, this is great.
- (laughs)

It's like it was translated
from another language.

- (laughs)
- Well, look for me. Am I in there?

I gotta be in there.

Samantha's...

You are in here.

Well, what's it say?

What's it say?

(laughter)

I mean, this is...

Oh, this is
a piece of shit.

- It is. It's a piece of shit.
- It is a piece of shit but,

you know, I'm actually
kind of honored to be in it.

- I mean...
- You're honored to have

your high school
trauma memorialized

in a shitty,
self-published memoir?

- Yeah!
- Ha! Good for you.

(Both laugh)

But, I mean...

I mean, she actually
did it. She...

Kayleigh wrote
a fucking book.

Did she?
It's 64 pages long.

Well, I guess that qualifies
then as a booklet.

(laughs)

Somethin' you might pick up
and read on the toilet, right?

- Somethin' you might find in the toilet.
- Yeah! (Laughs)

♪ ♪

Mary Jo:
Tricia, Jesus Christ,

- you trying to air condition the whole house?
- No, I'm...

- Close the door.
- Mom, I'm just trying to make room!

- (Door opens)
- It's a mess in here.

Why do you have to criticize
everything I do?

- Tricia: I'm not.
- Hey, Mom.

Well, look who just
waltzed in.

Well, we didn't think you were coming.
We already ate.

Alright, well
I'll just have beer.

(Video game noises)

(Gunfire, explosions)

- Did you bring your Nintendo?
- It's not a Nintendo.

Okay...

Dick...

(video game noises continue)

- Hey!
- (giggles)

(Quietly):
Your hair looks fucking awesome.

Mom is super pissed.

Just maybe don't let
her see your hands.

- Okay.
- Hey, Dad?

Rick:
Not now, Shan.

I just wanted to see
if I can, like, borrow...

- (bang)
- (liquid spills)

(laughing)

- Who closed the door?
- Dad!

- Are you okay, Mom?
- (laughing)

Ugh...

(footsteps descending)

(Plastic crinkling)

(Footsteps descending)

(Plastic crinkling)

You know Shannon has
yearbook photos next week?

That's great.
She's gonna look really cool.

Do you have any idea

how much it costs to...

strip, lowlight,
re-highlight, and then

add a gloss, Sam?

- Uh, literally no idea...
- Well,

it's a lot.

You know, I think maybe you can take it
a little easier on her.

She's just like a kid.

- It's what they do. They're trying to...
- Sorry, sorry.

Just... excuse me?

I mean, she's a good kid.

Uh-huh, and just
who are you, exactly,

to give advice to anyone

- about literally anything?
- What?

I mean, what are you doing
with your goddamn life?

Jesus Christ, Tricia.

No, no, really.
Actually, I'm asking.

Like, I wanna know.
What are you doing with your life?

Well, I came home so
I could take care of Holly

- because nobody else wanted to!
- Okay, right. So,

that was one year?
Right? One.

And so then what were
you doing for the, uh,

is it 10 or 15 years
before that in Lawrence?

What were you doing then?

And then, what have you
been doing since then?

I mean, you're coming at me
really hard right now.

- I don't understand what this is all about!
- You know what,

it was always
you and Holly.

You and Holly in
your own little world.

And now, you're trying...

to glom onto my daughter,

and make her your new Holly,
and it's not gonna happen.

Wha... I'm her aunt!
What are you talking about?

I don't understand
what this means!

You're dyeing her hair.

You are giving her
Holly's gay-ass T-shirts.

And I... I mean, like,

literally gay, okay?
I'm not saying "gay"

- like it's a bad word, gay, so don't start with all that.
- Oh, yes, you are.

- Yes, you are!
- Could you just...

Could you just chill out
and lower your voice, please?

(Quieter): How can you talk about
our sister that way?

- How? It's our fucking sister.
- I mean,

love the sinner, hate the sin.

It's pretty simple.

Rick: Babe, I'm still hungry!
What should I eat?

The Mexican casserole's
really good!

There she is.

- (Tricia sniffs, clears throat)
- (ascending footsteps)

(Insects chirping)

(Arrow flying, thuds)

Hey, Dad.

(Bow straining)

(Arrow flying, thuds)

You hiding, too?

Yep.

Jesus Christ.

You think we need
to talk to Mom again?

She ain't gonna listen.

(Bow straining)

- What a shitty year, huh?
- Yeah.

- (Farts)
- (laughs)

- (laughs)
- Love you, too, Dad.

I was pulling down so hard on the bow
trying to keep it still.

- Here.
- (laughs)

I, uh...

I ran into, uh, Coach Spence
the other day, uh...

You know, he, uh,

he asked about your singing.

What's he care about my singing?

I think he was just wondering
how you were doing.

(Sighs) I'm doing great, Dad.

So good.

If anyone asks,
you can just tell them...

(sighs) You know, I just...

I miss her so much.

And...

I don't really know
where I belong here.

And Tricia...

I don't know.

For what it's worth, uh...

- It's nice to have you back home.
- (arrow flying, thuds)

- (Break room chatter)
- (machines beeping)

Todd: If they're writing about drugs
or if a kid is writing about

having sex with a bunch of
people all at one time,

- that's a problem for me.
- Monica: Yeah,

but if the essay topic was
"What I did on summer vacation,"

- and that's what they did...
- No, no, no. Oh my god.

- ...then they're on topic.
- Either way, it puts us in a difficult situation...

(sighs) God, shut up!

(Popcorn popping)

(Door opens)

(Door shuts)

(Joel sighs)

Just pretend that we're having
a serious conversation.

Irma said that
I have to talk to you.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, I don't give a fuck.

I hate that kid. He's gonna get fired.
Everybody hates that kid.

Sorry, it's just like,
it's like,

- my second breakdown this week.
- Joel: Meh.

- It's the fluorescent lighting in here.
- (laughs)

God, I can't believe I like
"know you" know you now.

- Are you fuckin' with me?
- No. You're a big fuckin' deal.

Hey, what are you doing tonight?

- Sam: Oh, me?
- Yeah.

Laying low.

Lower than usual even. (Laughs)

Here's a little invite to this thing I do.
Choir practice.

Do you know, um,
Faith Presbyterian?

That church in
the Mills Mall?

Yeah, but I'm not really
much of a church person.

No, no. It's church-adjacent.
It's fun.

No presh, but...

I think you'd really like it.

(Muffled splash)

♪ ♪

(muffled swimming)

(Splashing)

(Muffled women chattering)

(Overlapping chatter, laughter)

(Chatter, laughter continues)

(laughter)

(Shuts door)

(Door shuts)

(Muffled party music)

(Music gets louder)

(laughter, chatter)

(Party music)

(Indistinct chatter)

(Chatter continues)

Oh my god, you came!

- (laughing)
- Yes.

Hey, take these ones...

and then put them in
that one over there.

- (Mic tapping)
- Emcee: Hot mic!

Hold on. Gimme a sec, folks.
One sec.

(Indistinct singing)

What is this?
I thought this was like choir practice.

Well, that's what the church
gave me keys for,

so that's what I call it.

This isn't, like,
officially sanctioned.

- (Giggles)
- Emcee: Good evening.

I'm Fred Rococo,
and welcome to

the fourth ever choir practice, y'all.
Come on!

(Applause, cheering)

Fred: It's gonna get better,
I promise.

Now, Joel, remind me
the theme of tonight's sermon.

- Choose the right way!
- Ah, alright. Well, would you get over here

and get behind the keys
and tickle me something?

- Come on!
- Okay. I'll be right back.

- Don't leave. Don't leave, okay?
- Fred: Take your time, Joel.

- (Joel laughs)
- We got stuff to do. Come on.

- Something nice. Nice and vampy. Oh, that's great. Great.
- (playing jaunty piano)

Alright. Choose the right way.

Who would've ever imagined
that these two nobodies

would some day
make it all the way

to this here stage

at a Presbyterian church
in a dying mall

in the eighth biggest
town in Kansas?

- Believe in your dreams, kids.
- (scattered cheering)

Come on, we did it!

(Applause)

So tonight, we're gonna
do some drinkin',

some dancin',
and some fellowshippin'.

And, uh, our first performer,

even though we're not quite ready
and the lights aren't set,

insisted on coming
and joining us right now.

So please, uh,
let's give her

a big choir practice welcome,

the incomparable Irma!

(Applause)

(Piano vamping ends)

- "Conga" by Gloria Estefan...
- (singing): Come on, shake your body, baby, do the conga.

♪ I know you can't control
yourself any longer ♪

♪ Come on, shake your body,
baby, do the conga, I know you... ♪

(Overlapping chatter)

- Joel: Hey!
- Oh shit...

Uh, hey, y'all.
So, this is Sam, and you know Michael.

- Yeah, hi. Hi, Michael.
- Hi, Sam.

- Tiffani: Uh, Tiffani.
- Sam: Oh, hi. I'm Sam.

Irma:
Ow!

- (Crowd cheering)
- ( "Conga" continues)

Tiffani:
I love this thing,

but I still get a little creeped out
being inside a church.

- It brings some shit up.
- I know, and you're not

the only one that's
said that, but, um,

for all the fucked-up shit that
I would never defend and...

all the times
I've been excluded...

this is still where
I find comfort.

That's called
Stockholm Syndrome.

- (laughter)
- Fred: Hey. Are you gonna introduce me

- or what? Come on.
- (laughter)

- Sam, this is Fred Rococo.
- Oh, hey, Fred Rococo.

Please...

Call me Fred Rococo.
That's a strong shake.

(laughs)

Michael: Oh my god.
What did the book say?

- Michael...
- I'm sorry! He tells me everything.

This mean girl wrote a book
called "Showgirls," and she wrote

about Sam, and she
used her real name.

- Hold up. The book is called "Showgirls"?
- Sam: It's about show choir.

Tiffani: Does she not know
about "Showgirls"?

- Fred: Great movie.
- Michael: Agreed. Wait, wait, but, like,

so like, what did she
say about you?

- Just some ridiculous made-up shit.
- Tiffani: Like?

Sam:
Oh, there's just...

this chapter about this dumb
rumor she spread junior year

about me sucking on tampons.

- Oof... (laughs)
- Michael: Oh my god.

- Maybe I did, maybe I didn't.
- Michael: Wait,

do girls do that?

No! No one does that!

I mean, somebody
probably does somewhere.

- God bless 'em.
- No!

They called her Sampire.

- Michael: Oh my god! Kids fucking suck.
- Joel: Yeah.

You know what my great
grandmother used to say?

"I'm not gonna hit you,
but run into this."

(laughter)

Well, thanks, guys.

- Don't call me Sampire.
- You got it.

You know what?
Take that word back. Own it!

- Fuck no.
- (doo-wop song begins)

♪ ♪

♪ Oh, my eyes would close ♪

♪ 'Cause you smile ♪

♪ With the beauty of a rose ♪

♪ And the moon
stops to hear ♪

♪ The song ♪

(inaudible)

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ You got that thing... ♪

- Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- (applause)

You know, it feels so good

to be with you all
in Manhattan, Kansas.

Now, I have to specify
because there's two Manhattans,

and both of them are my
favorite places to do showbiz.

Two Manhattans.
Also what I had for breakfast this morning.

- (Rimshot)
- (laughter)

Come on, people, that's a joke!
Get with the program!

- Come on!
- (rimshot)

- (laughter)
- (drumming)

When he looked at me in social studies,
my pants burned.

- (Stifled laugh)
- Like my whole body froze.

- I wish I had boobies...
- (light laughter)

So he would want...
to touch them.

(Stifled laughter,
getting louder)

Oh, come on! One more day!

(Clapping)

That was Michael with
some more stolen moments

from his sister's diary.

(Applause)

Joel (on mic):
So, um,

one of my favorite singers in

the entire world is
here with us tonight.

Sampire. Come on up here.

No!

Joel:
Sampire...

Sampire...

Crowd:
Sampire... Sampire...

Sampire... Sampire!

The public demands it!

All:
Sampire! Sampire! Sampire!

- Sampire! Sampire! Sampire!
- (clapping)

(Cheering, applause)

(Joel playing "Don't Give Up")

I'll sing
the Kate Bush part.

(Sighs)

I haven't done this
for a long time.

(Piano continues)

(Exhales)

♪ In this proud land,
we grew up strong ♪

♪ We were wanted all along ♪

♪ I was taught to fight,
taught to win ♪

♪ I never thought I could fail ♪

♪ No fight left or so it seems ♪

♪ I'm a man whose dreams
have all deserted ♪

♪ I changed my face,
I changed my name ♪

♪ But no one wants you ♪

♪ When you lose ♪

(cymbal taps)

Joel (singing):
♪ Don't give up... ♪

♪ 'Cause you have friends ♪

♪ Don't give up ♪

♪ You're not beaten yet ♪

♪ Don't give up ♪

♪ 'Cause somewhere,
there's a place ♪

♪ Where we belong ♪

(music swelling)

♪ Rest your head ♪

♪ You worry too much ♪

♪ It's gonna be alright ♪

Both (singing):
♪ When times get rough... ♪

♪ You can fall back ♪

♪ On us ♪

♪ Don't give up ♪

♪ Please don't give up ♪

(sighs)

♪ Gonna walk out of here ♪

♪ I can't take ♪

♪ Anymore ♪

♪ I'm gonna stand
on that bridge ♪

♪ Keep my eyes down below ♪

♪ Whatever may come ♪

♪ And whatever may go ♪

♪ That river's flowing ♪

♪ That river's flowing ♪

(song ends)

(Applause, cheering)

(Cheering continues)

"My Sentiment" by Universal
Togetherness Band playing...

(Cheering continues)

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Lovely girl, I wish that ♪

♪ I could make love to you ♪

♪ And you'd be mine ♪

♪ I never wanna lose you ♪

♪ Watching you is
the highlight of my day ♪

♪ And afternoons
with you are like ♪

♪ A dream come true ♪

♪ My sentiments ♪

♪ Of your, my sentiments ♪

♪ Of your sweet baby ♪

♪ My sentiments ♪

♪ Of your ♪

♪ My sentiments... ♪