Solar Opposites (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - The P.A.T.R.I.C.I.A. Device - full transcript

G'day. This episode is all about Yumyulack and koalas.

♪ Mysterious music playing ♪



♪ Dramatic music playing ♪

[both grunting]

[tires screeching]
[horns honking]



[bell dinging]

[squawk]

[heavy breathing]

Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god,
we don't have noses!

[all gasp]



KORVO: Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia
until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a pupa

and escaped into, uh, the space,

searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right,
I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the pupa.
My name's Korvo.

This is-This is, this is my show.
I just dropped the pupa.

Do you see me?
[stammers] This is ridiculous.

I hate Earth.
It's a horrible home.

People are stupid.
Why did they make so many languages?

Why didn't they just get together
and figure out one language

so when I go to a Mexican restaurant
I can just order "cheese tube"

and not have someone
roll their eyes at me.



♪ Dramatic music playing ♪
*SOLAR OPPOSITES*
Aired on: May 08, 2020

[♪] Season 01 Episode 06
Title: "The P.A.T.R.I.C.I.A. Device"

[birds cawing]

There's Kevin.
Ooh, he's got somethin' cool.

Oh, I want it.
Oh, I want whatever Kevin has.

What is that?
It looks amazing.

Come on, come on.

[grunts] Oh, man, I didn't realize
they would be as teavy as they are tig.

Oh, Korvo,
Terry who looks like a Gary.

- I wish.
- Can we help you

with your "tig old bitties" sign?

What is that?
A Catholic thing?

[laughs]
No.

Tig old bitties.
You get it?

Think about it.
Tig. Old. Bitties.

- Oh, yeah.
- I‐I definitely understand.

It's announcing that
the bitties are aged.

Oh, my favorite bitties are tig.

It's a joke sign for my man cave.

Ooh, what's a "manc ave"?

Well, here it is. This is where I can go
and just get away from it all.

A place I can express
my most private self.

Check out the Boondock Saints
pinball machine.

- Ooh.
- And the classic bass.

♪ Put me in the lake ♪

What?
He's talking to me?

This fish is full of surprises.

Ooh, posted rules.
Number one, the man is always right.

Number two, sports are life.

These are all new to me.

I don't want to be in violation
of any rules.

Here's the best part.
Are you ready for me to blow your mind?

- [gasps]
- Oh, my God.

God damn it, this‐

- Oh, oh, my.
- Ooh.

- There it is.
- Kevin, are you coming up...

oh, god, did you actually spend $3,000
on that misogynistic sign?

What is wrong with you?
Babe, what I do

with my Christmas bonus
is my Christmas business.

[sighs]

Korvo, let's just be real here.

Please, please, please, please
can we have a man cave?

- Yes.
- What, oh, really?

Oh, man, you should have held out.
I was gonna offer to suck your...

Kevin is so confident and happy.
He must get so much work done.

Imagine how great our lives would be
if we could be this confident.

Did you notice that the football
is actually a keg...

Shut up, Kevin, we're imagining.

From Coretta Scott King
to Jill Soloway,

these are just a few notable feminists

who improved the lives
of women everywhere.

Ladies, this semester, your final grade

depends on proof that you
fought the patriarchy.

I want a full report on a glass ceiling
you tried to shatter by next Friday.

What does that even mean?

Uh, Miss Perez, what,
what do the boys have to do?

I don't care, the boys can just draw
a picture of a lightsaber or something.

You might as well learn now that life
is just easier for you.

[bell ringing] Don't forget to
rate and tip me on the Teach app.

Guys, guys, come on.
I need it for my asthma medicine.

I live near the quarry.

Man, what am I gonna do?
When I chose to be a girl,

I thought it meant I'd get
the better McDonald's toys.

Now I have to topple something?

I told you not to pick female.
Remember?

I tried to explain that to you
the minute I chose to be a man

and became better at explaining things.

I just need to find a glass ceiling
and shatter the crap out of it.

Otherwise, Jill Soloway made I Love Dick
for nothing.

Ooh, you wanna help?
We could topple it together.

Yeah, I'm gonna pass.
I'm just gonna hang back

and do a regular alien thing today.

Come on, gender politics is fun.

Seems kind of like a loaded topic.

Everyone on the internet is always
fighting about who can be president

or who can bust ghosts, but good luck.

It is not loaded!

Gender issues are a totally normal
thing to mess with.

Come on, Yumyulack, don't be like that.
Don't be such a man.

Hey, do you guys mind
if I borrow the boomerang?

Whoa, what's going on in here?

Welcome to our "manc ave."

Man cave!

Ah, ah, ah, there are rules.

Please read and strictly abide
by all of them before having fun.

Man only?
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

Are you guys doing a gender thing, too?

What? No.
We're doing a "manc ave" thing.

- What's "dig old bicks"?
- I don't know.

Some sort of human code.
They were out of "tig old bitties" signs

but the salesman said
it was in the same area, so...

[whirring]

Pretty great, right?
Just like Kevin's.

No, yeah, I love how
it moves up and down.

Oh, it keeps you guessing.

Ah, football is amazing.

Apparently, we can watch
jets battle the color brown.

This is a color brown house.
We are color brown fans under this roof.

Got it?
It's brown town, baby.

Now everybody just sit back,
grab a cold one,

and let the awesomeness
of the "manc ave" wash over them.

[football game on TV, indistinct]

Any second now.

FISH: Help me.

[grunting]

[whistle tweets]

Oh, hello, I'm a female and
I'm looking for a patriarchy to topple.

I've never played this game,
but can I be your kicker, please?

[laughs]
No way.

A ha! You're freaking out
that I would fundamentally alter

the way society felt about women
in a male‐dominated sport.

Gotcha, suckers!

What? No. Girls have played
on high school football teams for years.

You just can't be the kicker
because we already went

to the state supreme court
so a dog could be kicker.

Damn, Denver!
Good boy, good boy.

You can be our starting quarterback.
How about that?

Hey, Dylan! This girl who I haven't
seen play yet is taking your place.

I'm fine with that.
It's not about winning. Woo!

Ugh, finding a new struggle for women
is gonna be a real struggle.

Hm, has the awesomeness
of the "manc ave" washed over you yet?

Um, I don't think so.

Maybe it happened
and we just didn't notice yet?

No, this is wrong.
Something's missing, Terry.

There has to be something Kevin
had in his "ave" that we don't have.

No, no, I know. I mean, we have
very man‐centric movie posters

with man themes like Boys Don't Cry,
Boys On The Side,

How To Lose a Guy in Ten Days.

Terry, pull up a live hologram feed
of Kevin's "manc ave."

[whooshing]

See, I don't get it.
It's exactly the same.

Computer, analyze nitrogen levels and...

Can you please come watch your son
blow out his candles?

Everyone's waiting.
Oh, he'll be three

for like a whole year.

- Kevin.
- What kind of cake?

- Kevin!
- All right!

[groans]
God, I hate this man cave.

Computer, strip everything but Angela.

He spends all of his time
in his stupid room full of toys

instead of with his family.

I should have married Omry.

Terry, we were totally missing
the point of "manc aves."

Oh, that we need to throw
way more birthday parties?

The best part of being
in a "manc ave," Terry,

is someone being irritated
that you're in a "manc ave."

- But I don't wanna take turns in here.
- Neither do I.

Which means we'll have to

build a robot that hates us being
in the "manc ave."

[both cheering]

- Yeah!
- Terry!

- By "we," you mean you, right?
- Yes, I'm going to be doing all the work.

I was just trying to be nice.

Behold, our new robot.

- Wow, that was fast.
- I used a lot of parts

from the last robot I made.

The one that was supposed to kill
those kids who threw a cup of pee at you?

You got over that?
For the moment,

they may keep their lives.

Well, I tell you what,
here's the headline.

It looks great.
Now did you use the specs I gave you

to make her the perfect combo
of every TV wife/mom?

Yes, she's 20 percent annoyed wife
from Raymond,

twenty percent doting hot mom
from Modern Family,

fifteen percent fast‐talking
Gilmore Girls mom

and ten percent Marge Simpson
because she's got blue hair.

- Is that too many percents?
- No, it's, it's under actually.

The rest is just filler code, except for
a pinch of Sophia from Golden Girls.

That was one sassy old lady, you know?
I couldn't resist.

Twenty‐five, 83...

Are you using
your abaca‐dactals like a baby?

What, what are you, 80?
Ah, now I have to start over.

I call her P‐A‐T‐R‐I‐C‐I‐A.

It stands for Patricia Automated
Television Retro‐fitted

Intelligent Companion In Action.

You know what, it's okay
if you made that up to fit.

You chose a name with two I's and two A's.
That's already hard.

The important thing is not
what PATRICIA stands for

but that she's programmed
to hate the "manc ave."

[whirring]

PATRICIA:
[gasps] Korvo, Terry.

Pupa! I hope you don't plan
to spend all day

in your awful, disgusting "manc ave."
We have chores to do.

- Why are didgeridoos so expensive?
- What, what?

Five thousand dollars. It's a tube!
Still buying it.

Did you guys make a woman robot?
Oh, yeah, awesome, right?

Yeah, we built her to hate the "manc ave."

I mean, look at how awesome she is.
Look at her, look at her go.

She's hatin' it perfect.
No, no, no.

You guys are wading into
a whole gender thing.

I'm telling you, this can't
end well for anybody.

I'm outta here.
G'day.

- This isn't a gender thing...
- I said g'day!

No matter what the problem is,
she finds a way to blame the "manc ave."

Just, just like a real wife.
PATRICIA: I fucking hate this "manc ave."

Oh, she makes me
wanna go in there so bad!

Ah, yeah!
KORVO: Oh, ho, ho, it worked!

[Pupa burps]

Hi, guys. I, a girl, would like to be
on your men's lacrosse team.

I also know nothing about lacrosse.

- Ha ha, did you hear that?
- Oh, I heard it, Chad.

But I don't believe it.
Say it again, girl.

Lacrosse is French
for "date rape" no longer.

I demand to be on your boys' team.
What's the problem?

Can't stand a girl trying to step on
your "boys only" field?

No, we've been asking for a girl
to join our team for years.

Oh, the football guys will finally
stop mocking us.

No, come on,
I need this to be a struggle.

Chads, we got a girl on the team!

[cheering]

Hey, stop.
[groaning]

Attention, esports team.
I know that gamers are misogynistic,

and that's why all female bodies
in games have unrealistic proportions

and are programmed to give the gamer
an unhealthy amount of eye contact.

Let me in.
Yeah, another girl!

Wait, am I the only guy in here?
Oh, no.

I've been using
some very coded language.

[bell rings]

Australian music is so good.
It's like a whole genre.

You're looking at this town's
first female firefighter.

I found my glass ceiling
and fucking shattered it,

and saved most of a family.

Well, I'm the first woman
to mansplain jazz.

It's, like, all about syncopation.

That's great and all,
but I saved most of a family.

Why do you keep saying
"most of a family"?

Because it sounds better than
just the two dogs.

Oh, Yumyulack, come here.

If I can't find a glass ceiling
to break soon,

they're all gonna get broken without me,
and then I'm gonna fail,

and then they're gonna put me
in the dumb kid's class in room B.

Room B is awesome.
We get to do art all day.

And stop telling me things.

I already said
I wasn't touching gender stuff.

I'm just out of ideas.

You know what I do
when I'm out of ideas?

Cocaine. And then I get like,
a million ideas at once.

[grunts]

Ooh, ooh, I got it.
Pants that fly but are also dogs.

Hm.

Well, I do love cocaine,
but isn't it illegal?

Everything cool is illegal!
Besides, cocaine is okay for us to eat

because our alien bodies
process it differently.

It's just like sugar.
I make it myself.

Yumyulack, that's it!
I should make a glass ceiling myself.

And then I'll break it.
Hey, come on.

I didn't help with that epiphany.

I'm just eating cocaine
like we usually do.

Leave me out of it.
Thanks for your help, Yumyulack!

Stop it!
I'm gonna go fight my shadow!

[giggles]

Ah, PATRICIA, I bet you hate
how we sit in the "manc ave" all day

while you're up here not enjoying
the "manc ave."

PATRICIA:
What's with all the dirty dishes, Korvo?

I left them here for you to clean.

PATRICIA: You see this here?
It's called a dishwasher.

And this is how you turn it on.
[gasps] Ooh!

Now that's at least one thing
you can finally learn to turn on.

Not that it matters since
you're an alien who has no dick.

I guess my mom was right.
What am I supposed to do with that?

No dick!

[laugh track plays]

No one's ever spoken to me like that.

This angry wife subroutine
must be a side effect

of your anti‐ "manc ave" programming.

PATRICIA: Or maybe I'm just tired
of being married to an idiot

who leaves his dirty socks in the
living room. [audience groans playing]

This must be a by-product
from all the TV mom data

I fed into your personality.
You're a perfect organism.

PATRICIA: By-product? You don't make
enough money to buy me any products.

And the only time I can organism
is when I'm watching Outlander.

You're making me feel smaller
and less of a man.

I love it.
Quick, do it again.

PATRICIA: Quick is the only way
you know how to do anything.

[laugh track plays]

[coos]

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, PATRICIA.
I foosed my shoulder.

PATRICIA: Aw, honey, let me
take care of that for you.

One, two...

[yells]

Owie.

PATRICIA: Does that feel better?
- A little.

PATRICIA: You were a really
brave little man just then.

I'm so proud of you.
Here.

That was a special kiss from Mommy.
Does that feel better?

- I need another one.
PATRICIA: There you go, sweetie.

I tell you what, this mommy
must be a residual by-product

of me being so brave, huh?

PATRICIA: I'm baking cookies in here.
Does baby wanna lick my spoon?

[moaning]

Oh, my God, what is this feeling
I'm feeling?

Oh, I never want it to end.

[audience awws]

[bell rings]

♪ Dramatic music playing ♪



- Where have you been?
- Oh, oh, uh,

just making this delicious sundae.

- By yourself?
- Uh‐huh.

Terry, you're lying.
You don't know how to peel a banana.

I always have to do it for you.
Wait.

Why are your shoulders slouched

and why do you look like you have
a lower sense of confidence?

I was judging myself in the mirror.
I'm‐I'm very shameful.

You don't know how to self‐scrutinize.

I've been hanging out with PATRICIA.
She makes me feel something

I've never felt before.
Me, too.

- Emasculated.
- Nurtured.

I love the way she can just
cut right through me

with a real tightly wound zinger.
I've never been so wonderfully beta.

Oh, she wipes my mouth with a wet wipe
and treats me like a baby.

It's so comfortable and nurturing.
I never had a mom, Korvo.

I never got baths.
Terry, I know we specifically

created her to hate the "manc ave,"
but hear me out on this.

What if we altered the rules
of the "manc ave"

so we could invite PATRICIA
to hang out with us in the "manc ave"?

We'd have it all, Terry.
Oh, my God, yes.

Oh, that's perfect.
Let's, let's change the rules.

We're gonna change the rules.
Oh!

PATRICIA:
But, but I hate this place.

I know, I know, but it's okay.
Look, huh, see?

It's okay for you to be here.
Isn't it fun?

FISH: No, it's not.
Get out while you can. Run.

Ignore that fish, it's joking.
It's not serious.

It's just having a jab.

PATRICIA, I demand you overwrite
your hate of the "manc ave."

PATRICIA:
Override, ov‐er‐ride...

funny, you never ride me over.

BOTH: Ooh.
[laugh track plays]

PATRICIA:
Can't‐love‐manc‐ave‐dig‐old‐bicks

[stammering]

[alarm blaring]

♪ Dramatic music playing ♪



Must destroy manc ave!

You gave her rocket launchers?

It's harder to build a robot
without them, Terry.

They're load‐bearing.

[grunts]
Uh‐oh.

Oh, dig old bicks.
I get it now.

- You do? What, what does it mean?
- I don't know.

♪ Dramatic music playing ♪



♪ I got the eye of the tiger ♪

♪ I am dancing through the fire ♪

♪ I am the champion ♪

♪ And you're gonna hear me roar ♪

♪ Louder, louder than a lion ♪

♪ 'Cause I am the champion ♪

[flatly] Oh, no, please, stop.
Second door on the left.

Oh, no.

[bell rings]

Excuse me, pardon me.
Female feminist hero comin' through.

Move aside, men.
I, a woman,

have arrived to topple the glass ceiling

and shatter the fuck
out of the patriarchy.

Yeah, we're looking for Jesse,
the guy who set up this club.

Well, I've got news for you.
Jesse isn't a boy.

He's a girl, and it's me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is your club?

Yep, sorry, but this isn't
a boy club after all.

We don't wanna join.
We're here in protest

to speak up for all the women
who are too weak

to speak for themselves.

- But I made this club to...
- Do you have any idea

how messed up it is to
discriminate against people

based on their gender?
Uh, yeah.

I was just about to say that
when you interrupted...

As the brother of two sisters,
nothing enrages me more

than misogyny, and this is misogyny.

- Uh‐huh, it's not.
- Yes, it is.

You need to shut this club down
right now.

No, not before I topple it.
I need it for my grade.

If she's not gonna do it,
we have to tear it down ourselves.

- Please, stop.
- Let's get her

before she creates an unsafe environment
for all women.

- Oh, no, no, no.
- She's running.

That means she's guilty.
Angry mob, bros.

[sobs]

She's ruining the only thing
I actually liked about humans.

We need to stop her.
TERRY: Okay, I say we just

grab her and make her
tuck us into bed and read us stories.

We can't just grab her, Terry.
She'll slice us in half

with her laser blades.
And whose fault is that?

Huh?
KORVO: I don't know what to do.

Wait, if she hates the "manc aves,"
we need to lure her

to the biggest, stupidest
"manc ave" we can find.

I know just the place.

[men screaming]

♪ Sports arena music playing ♪

Oh!



Oh, crap, here she comes.

Get inside.

[people screaming]

♪ Dramatic music playing ♪

[lasers firing]

The activation ring.
We have to get it off her finger.

Aim for the ring.
How many tickets

for all your sticky hands?
I don't know.

Like, a million.
Hey!

Those come out of the tickets
they pay me with.

Now!



[lasers firing]

- Ms. Perez, Ms. Perez!
- Jesse, what are you doing here?

School stuff.
You wouldn't understand!

Get down!

Ms. Perez, I tried to make
a glass ceiling to break,

but a bunch of male allies got mad.
You gotta help me.

What the fuck are you talking about?

I couldn't move us women
forward, Ms. Perez.

Please don't give me an F.

I didn't even realize you were a girl.

I thought you were gonna draw
Count Dooku's lightsaber.

What?
But I have a bow.

I don't know,
you're green and your mouth

extends past the boundaries of your face.
How would I know?

If you really wanna topple
the patriarchy and get an A,

this is your chance.
You're right, Ms. Perez.

Every feminist hero had
their robot to conquer.

♪ Heroic music playing ♪

PATRICA: Time for you two
naughty/disappointing boy men

to learn a lesson.

PATRICIA, stop.

PATRICA: Gender not found.

That's because I'm an alien plant.

It took me all this time to realize
that's okay.

I can do whatever I want.
So can you.

PATRICIA: But I'm a mom, I'm a wife,
I'm a mom, I'm a...

No way, Jose.
You're a killer robot.

And if that's what makes you happy,
then lean into it.

PATRICIA: I don't have to kill men.
I could be killing anyone I want.

No matter what gender.
I could kill everyone!

Ha, not today.

PATRICIA: No, I was about to kill
all humans in the world...

Patricia, I'm sorry.
But I have to turn you off.

PATRICIA: You turn me off every day
when you take off your shirt.

What's wrong, Korvo?
Why‐why'd you stop?

I can't deactivate her, Terry.
I didn't realize I had a hole in my heart.

A hole that needed to be demeaned
with a non‐stop barrage

of insults and sexual criticism.

We can't kill her,
but we can't live with her.

So what do we do?

We started this thinking
we needed a "manc ave"

to fill a gaping hole inside of us.

But what we truly needed was to know

that we have
different types of gaping holes

that need other ways to be filled.

You taught us that we don't have to
hide in an "ave," Mom.

Thank you.
We can't kill you

and we can't have you going around
and setting stuff on fire.

So from now on,
you'll live in this shipping container.

Do we really have to get rid of her?

Maybe we can keep her around
like a feminist icon.

PATRICIA: Your dress is too short.
Boys will think you're a slut.

You're not my real mom!
Shut up!

Patricia, it's time
to get in the container.

Don't worry, you won't be bored.
I made you a cuck‐bot for company.

CUCK: Does anyone want to go
to the Gap and make some returns?

I didn't try to make him
look like Ted Cruz.

It just happens with these things.

CUCK: Hello.
PATRICIA: You're wearing that?

I thought I threw that out.
Why are you making that face?

CUCK: I'm not making a face.
PATRICIA: God, you're annoying.

Could you be more nasal?
A real man wouldn't let an alien

bury him in a shipping container.

It's nice to know
that any time we miss her,

we can come outside and we know
that she's just a few feet down there

just ripping into him, you know?

On how he brushes his teeth, and how
he doesn't arch his back properly.

The way he stands all crooked
and how he's all weasley

and thin and not muscly or anything.

- Yeah.
- Wow, I just had the craziest week.

Oh, yeah, you weren't around.
What were you doing this whole time?

I accidentally let hundreds of koalas
out of the zoo

and then spent a ton of time
rounding them all up.

The zoo has the capacity to house
hundreds of koalas?

Yeah, they were running all over town.
I had to coax them with didgeridoos.

It was on the news.
Like, you‐you didn't see any of that?

[grunting]

Okay, get in, get in here, get in.

Hey, so how did your gender‐based
stories turn out?

Uh, good, yeah.
I mean, I think we covered every angle

and pretty much solved it, so.

Yeah, I think everyone
will be very happy with what we did.

Well, I'm glad we survived,
because I don't think

there's a more controversial topic
we could have dealt with.

Okay, class.
Next assignment,

everyone here has to find a racist
and teach them the error of their ways.

Yay!



[imitating laser fire]

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