Soap (1977–1981): Season 1, Episode 7 - Episode #1.7 - full transcript

THIS IS THE STORY
OF 2 SISTERS,

JESSICA TATE

AND MARY CAMPBELL.

JESSICA LIVES IN
A NEIGHBORHOOD
KNOWN AS RICH.

JESSICA LIKES LIFE.

THE ONLY THING ABOUT LIFE
SHE WOULD CHANGE,
IF SHE COULD,

IS THAT SHE WOULD
SET IT ALL TO MUSIC.

THE TATES HAVE
MORE SECRETS THAN
THEY DO MONEY.

WE'RE APPROACHING
MARY CAMPBELL'S HOUSE.

MARY, TOO, LIKES LIFE.

UNFORTUNATELY,
LIFE DOESN'T SEEM
TO BE TOO CRAZY ABOUT HER.



AS YOU CAN SEE,

THE CAMPBELLS DON'T HAVE
NEARLY AS MUCH MONEY
AS THE TATES.

THEY DO, HOWEVER,
HAVE AS MANY SECRETS.

IN LAST WEEK'S
EPISODE OF SOAP,

JESSICA APOLOGIZED
TO CORINNE FOR
HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH PETER.

BUT CORINNE REFUSED
TO FORGIVE HER MOTHER,

AND MOVED OUT OF THE HOUSE,
AND IN WITH PETER,

LEAVING JESSICA SAD
AND CHESTER MAD.

BURT RECEIVED
A TELEGRAM ANNOUNCING

THE ARRIVAL OF HIS
OTHER SON, CHUCK,

AND CHUCK'S
LITTLE WOODEN DOLL, BOB,

WHO CHUCK BELIEVES IS REAL.

THE GODFATHER
GAVE DANNY A KEY
TO A CABIN IN THE WOODS

WHERE A GUN IS HIDDEN IN
THE FIREPLACE,



AND TOLD HIM HE MUST TAKE
BURT THERE WITHIN
2 DAYS AND KILL HIM,

OR THE MOB WILL KILL DANNY.

CONFUSED?

YOU WON'T BE AFTER
THIS WEEK'S EPISODE OF...

SOAP.

WELL, HE'S YOUR FATHER,
JESSICA.
WHERE IS HE?

WELL, CHESTER,
I... I... I DON'T REALLY...

BENSON. BENSON!

BENSON, WHERE IS HE?

WONDERFUL! JUST WONDERFUL!

I KILL MYSELF IN
THE KITCHEN ALL DAY,

AND THEN NOBODY EATS.

BENSON.

LOOK AT THIS.
NOT ONE PLATE TOUCHED!

WELL, LET'S NOT
WASTE ALL THIS GOOD FOOD.

LET'S INVITE
THE CAMPBELLS OVER.

THEY CAN THROW IT AROUND.

BENSON, ONE OF THE REASONS
WE'RE NOT EATING IS

BECAUSE WE ARE ALL WORRIED
AND UPSET ABOUT
THE MAJOR'S DISAPPEARANCE.

AND THE MAJOR WOULD NOT HAVE
DISAPPEARED IF YOU HAD BEEN
WATCHING HIM.

IT AIN'T MY JOB TO WATCH HIM.
THE LESS I SEE OF HIM,
THE BETTER.

BENSON, WHEN WAS
THE LAST TIME YOU SAW HIM?

I SAW HIM THIS MORNING.

HE WAS RUNNING AROUND IN THAT
CAMOUFLAGE OUTFIT OF HIS,

TERRORIZING THE GARDENER.

THEN HE LEFT.

DID HE SAY
WHERE HE WAS GOING, BENSON?

ON PATROL.

WELL, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

IT MEANS GRANDPA'S BONKERS.

IT MEANS, JESSICA, THAT HE'S
GOTTEN HIMSELF INTO
ONE HELL OF A FIX AGAIN.

THAT'S WHAT IT MEANS.

IT MEANS, JESSICA, THAT
IN THE COURSE OF 24 HOURS,

YOUR DAUGHTER HAS LEFT HOME,
AND YOUR FATHER
HAS DISAPPEARED.

IT MEANS, JESSICA,

THAT PERHAPS
YOU'RE LETTING THIS HOUSEHOLD
GET THE BETTER OF YOU.

OH, IT'S NOT HER FAULT.
SHE'S NOT RESPONSIBLE
FOR THE...

BENSON.

YOU ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE.

GOOD, MR. TATE.

AND THIS IS STANDING.

AND THIS IS LEAVING.

JESSICA, DO YOU REMEMBER
THE LAST TIME YOUR FATHER
DISAPPEARED?

DO YOU REMEMBER HOW HE TOOK
THE 8:12 COMMUTER TRAIN
INTO MANHATTAN

AND ATTACKED
THE GERMAN CONSULATE?

IT CAUSED
AN INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT,
JESSICA.

I HAD TO APOLOGIZE
TO 2 GOVERNMENTS.

AND REMEMBER, ON DECEMBER 7,

WHEN HE CAPTURED
THE ENTIRE STAFF
OF BENIHANA'S OF TOKYO?

IT COST ME A FORTUNE TO KEEP
HIM OUT OF THE BANANA HATCH
THAT TIME, JESSICA.

AT EASE, MEN.

OH, DADDY.
THERE HE IS, CHESTER.

WHERE THE DEVIL
HAVE YOU BEEN?

EASY, COLONEL.

I THINK YOUR ANGER
WILL BE ASSUAGED

WHEN YOU SEE
WHAT I HAVE BROUGHT YOU.

THERE HE IS.

ONE OF THE NAZIS' TOP SPIES.

GOD, IT'S MR. KIRBY.

OH, OH, DEAR!

ARE YOU CRAZY?
THIS IS MR. KIRBY,
OUR NEIGHBOR!

DON'T LET HIM FOOL YOU.
HE'S A MASTER OF DISGUISE.

MR. KIRBY,
I AM... I'M SO SORRY.

TATE!

HOW ABOUT A NICE GLASS
OF ICED TEA, MR. KIRBY?

I HAVE HAD IT, TATE!

NO, NOT A WORD.
DON'T SAY A WORD.

THERE IS NOTHING
YOU CAN SAY TO ME, TATE.

THERE IS NOTHING
YOU CAN SAY TO A MAN

WHO HAS SPENT
AN ENTIRE AFTERNOON LOCKED
IN THE TRUNK OF HIS CAR.

OH, WHAT MAN WAS LOCKED
IN THE TRUNK OF HIS CAR?

IT ISN'T... IT ISN'T ENOUGH
THAT I OCCASIONALLY
GET SHOT AT.

NO, TODAY... TODAY I GET
INTO MY CAR, AND HALFWAY
DOWN THE STREET,

A GUN WAS PLACED
AT THE BACK OF MY HEAD.

I HID IN THE BACK SEAT.

SOME COLD LEMONADE?

I WAS THEN ORD...

I WAS THEN ORDERED TO DRIVE
OUT TO THE CITY DUMP,

WHERE... WHERE HE PROCEEDED
TO... TO GRILL ME FOR HOURS

ABOUT TROOP MOVEMENTS
ON THE HEIFETZ RIVER.

YES!

I SHOWED HIM MY LICENSE.
MY... MY CREDIT CARDS, EVEN,

TO PROVE I WAS AN AMERICAN.

I KEPT YELLING OUT OF
THE TRUNK OF THE CAR:

"CORNFLAKES, McDONALD'S,

REGGIE JACKSON, TOILET PAPER."

I EVEN SANG
THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER,
BUT HE WOULDN'T BELIEVE ME.

OF COURSE
I DIDN'T BELIEVE YOU.

HE COULDN'T TELL ME
WHO PLAYED 3RD BASE
FOR THE YANKEES IN 1931.

TELL HIM, COLONEL.

HE DOESN'T KNOW, YOU IDIOT.

SO THAT'S IT, TATE.

I'M GOING ON
RECORD RIGHT NOW.

I SWEAR, IF I EVER CATCH
THAT LUNATIC NEAR ME AGAIN,

I'LL HAVE HIM PUT AWAY!

A DIET SODA?

NO.

WILL YOU TRY AND UNDERSTAND?

ONE MORE INCIDENT
AND THEY ARE GOING
TO LOCK YOU UP

AND PUT YOU AWAY.

YES, COLONEL.

BUT ONCE I'M ON THE INSIDE,

I'LL FIND OUT
ALL THEIR SECRETS, TUNNEL OUT,
AND LEAD OUR BOYS TO SAFETY.

GOOD THINKING, COLONEL!

IT'S THINKING LIKE THAT
THAT'S GOING TO MAKE YOU
A GENERAL

BEFORE THIS WAR IS OVER.

HEY, HEY! YOU THERE.
YEAH, YOU.

WHAT IS THIS,
SOME NATIONAL HOLIDAY
I DIDN'T HEAR ABOUT?

HUH? I'M GOING TO START
PAYING YOU GUYS
BY THE PIECE.

MAYBE I'LL GET
A LITTLE ACTION AROUND HERE.

NOW, LISTEN,
I ASKED THE UNION
FOR SOME HIGH STEEL WORKERS.

THEY SENT ME STEEL WORKERS
WHO WERE HIGH.
OH, YOU HIPPIES.

BURT!

DANNY? DANNY! DANNY!

DANNY, DANNY,
WHAT A SURPRISE!

HEY, GOOD TO SEE YA, FELLA!

YEAH, I KNOW, I KNOW.
HARD TO FIND WORDS,
ISN'T IT, HUH?

THAT'S SOME VIEW, HUH?

LOOK OVER THERE! CENTRAL PARK.
OVER THERE,
THE WORLD TRADE CENTER.

DOWN THERE, FIFTH AVENUE
FROM 42 STORIES UP. HUH?

SEE ALL THOSE
LITTLE ANTS DOWN THERE?

THOSE ARE BUSES.

BURT! BURT, LISTEN!

THIS FRIEND OF MINE HAS
A CABIN UP IN THE POCONOS...

HEY! YOU DON'T NEED
THAT RIVETING GUN THERE,
YOU JERK.

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?
KILL SOMEBODY?

HEY, LAST TIME SOMEBODY LEFT
SOMETHING LIKE
THAT LAYING AROUND,

IT FELL, KNOCKED A HOLE
IN A GUY'S HEAD
THE SIZE OF THE GRAND CANYON.

OF COURSE, THE SIZE OF
THE HOLE IN HIS HEAD
WAS RELATIVELY UNIMPORTANT,

SINCE HE WENT CRASHING DOWN
700 FEET ANYWAY.

YOU SHOULD HAVE
SEEN THE THING. WHAT A MESS!
I MEAN PICTURE A WATERMELON...

OH, BURT!

SORRY, DANNY.
GO AHEAD, I'LL LISTEN.

BURT.
WHAT?

THIS FRIEND OF MINE HAS
A CABIN UP IN THE POCONOS.

UH-HUH.

I WAS WONDERING, UH,
MAYBE, UH,

MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO GO
UP THERE FISHING WITH ME
TOMORROW, HUH? HUH?

HEY, DANNY! DANNY!

DANNY, YOU CLIMBED ALL THE WAY
UP HERE TO ASK ME TO GO
FISHING WITH YOU? OH, DANNY!

DANNY, DANNY,
YOU MAKE ME SO HAPPY.
AM I HAPPY!

GREAT!

BUT I CAN'T GO.
WHAT?

HEY, YOU WITH THE PONYTAIL!

BEEN WATCHING YOU ABOUT
AN HOUR AND A HALF, YOU CREEP!

I MEAN, CHUCK'S COMING
TONIGHT FROM HAWAII. I MEAN,
CAN'T WE MAKE IT SATURDAY?

NO! NO! NO!
IT'S GOT TO BE TOMORROW!

WELL, DANNY, I'M SORRY.
I DON'T KNOW HOW I CAN...

LOOK, BURT,
TOMORROW'S THE ONLY DAY
THAT MY FRIEND WILL BE AWAY!

DANNY, I DON'T KNOW...

HEY! HEY! YOU, POCAHONTAS,
OVER HERE.

PUT DOWN THE BINOCULARS.

THIS IS FOR WELDING HERE,
NOT PEEPING.

BURT, LISTEN.

YOU AND ME ARE GOING FISHING
TOMORROW TOGETHER, HUH?
IN THE POCONOS.

YOU AND ME FISHING
TOGETHER TOMORROW.
GOT IT?

OH, I'M BEING
SUCH AN IDIOT.

FOR THE FIRST TIME,
MY STEPSON ASKS ME
TO DO SOMETHING WITH HIM,

AND HERE AM I TRYING
TO FIND REASONS WHY I CAN'T.

HEY, DANNY. WELL,
WE'RE GOIN' FISHING,

AND WE'RE GOIN' TOMORROW! HUH?

I MEAN AFTER ALL,
I HAVEN'T SEEN CHUCK
IN 15 YEARS.

IF I DON'T SEE HIM
FOR ONE DAY, IT'S NOT
GOING TO KILL ME, IS IT?

THERE YOU GO AGAIN.
WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY UP HERE?

BURT!

INSANE!

BURT!

11, 16, 21, CARRY THE 2...

I CANNOT AFFORD
ALL THIS, CLAIRE.
YOU ARE SPENDING A FORTUNE.

CHESTER, YOU DIDN'T ANSWER
MY QUESTION. I ASKED YOU
IF YOU TALKED TO JESSICA.

WELL, OF COURSE
I TALKED TO JESSICA.

EVERY NIGHT WHEN I GO HOME,
I TALK TO JESSICA.

HA! WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU, CLAIRE?
DO I TALK TO JESSICA?

DID YOU TELL JESSICA THAT
YOU'RE LEAVING HER, CHESTER?

WHAT IS THIS?

$2,000 FOR WALLPAPER

FOR YOUR APARTMENT?

YES, CHESTER.

WHAT ARE YOU
PAPERING THE WALLS IN,
CLAIRE? CURRENCY?

YOU KNOW, CHESTER,
THERE IS A SOLUTION
TO ALL THIS.

IF YOU LEAVE JESSICA
AND MOVE IN WITH ME,
I'LL BE HAPPIER.

AND WHEN I'M HAPPIER,
I DON'T SPEND AS MUCH MONEY.

I'M SORRY, CLAIRE,
YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT.

WAIT?

THAT'S RIGHT. WAIT.

REMEMBER 10 YEARS AGO,
CHESTER?

REMEMBER WHEN YOU
SAID YOU COULDN'T LEAVE

BECAUSE LITTLE BILLY HAD
A PERCEPTION PROBLEM,

AND IF YOU LEFT THEN HE MIGHT
WRITE BACKWARDS
FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE?

SO, I WAITED.

AND THEN THAT CLEARED UP,
AND BILLY COULD READ,

BUT SUDDENLY EUNICE WOULDN'T
GET OUT OF HER BATHROBE
OR LEAVE HER ROOM,

AND YOU COULDN'T LEAVE THEN.

SO, I WAITED.

AND THEN, AS SOON AS
EUNICE GOT DRESSED,

CORINNE STOPPED EATING
AND HAD TO BE HOSPITALIZED,

AND YOU COULDN'T
LEAVE UNTIL SHE WAS
KEEPING SOLIDS DOWN.

AND SO... I WAITED.

WELL, NOW BILLY READS, EUNICE
GETS DRESSED, CORINNE EATS,

AND I'M STILL WAITING!

WELL, THAT'S IT
FOR WAITING, CHESTER.

YOU ARE GOING
TO LEAVE JESSICA NOW.

YOU ARE GOING TO GO HOME
AND TELL HER
THAT YOU ARE LEAVING.

AND IF YOU DON'T, CHESTER,
I WILL.

FINE! GO!

I'LL DO IT, CHESTER. I SWEAR.

FINE! FINE! UH, DO YOU NEED
DIRECTIONS TO THE HOUSE?

I KNOW WHERE YOU
LIVE, CHESTER.

GOOD.

WELL, GOODBYE, CLAIRE.

SAY HELLO
TO JESSICA FOR ME.

GO TO MY HOUSE
AND TELL JESSICA!

NEVER TRY TO BLUFF A BLUFFER!

I'M SO EXCITED,
I CAN HARDLY CONTAIN MYSELF.

AFTER 15 YEARS,
I'M GOING TO BE WITH MY SON.

ANOTHER SON.

2 SONS IN 2 WEEKS.
THAT'S A SON A WEEK.
I DON'T KNOW.

OH, MARY, MARY, MARY,
I'M SO EXCITED.

I HAVEN'T TAKEN
A GOOD BREATH ALL DAY!

IT'S JUST EXCITEMENT
BECAUSE MY SON IS COMING.

EITHER THAT OR A HEART ATTACK.

YES. OH, AND YOU GUYS,
YOU GUYS ARE
GONNA LOVE HIM.

I CANT WAIT, BURT.

I MEAN, I'VE ALWAYS
WANTED TO MEET
A HAWAIIAN VENTRILOQUIST.

WELL, NOW YOU WILL.

ONE OF THE BEST. HE PLAYED ALL
THE BIG ROOMS ON THE ISLAND.

THAT'S HIM. THAT'S HIM.
COME ON, UP, HE'S HERE.

♪ HELLO! ♪
♪ HELLO! ♪

♪ WE'RE HERE
TO START THE SHOW! ♪

I'M CHUCK.
I'M BOB.

♪ HELLO! ♪
♪ HELLO, HELLO! ♪

♪ LET'S GO! ♪
♪ LET'S GO, LET'S GO! ♪

♪ I'LL SING AND DANCE ♪
♪ HE'LL DANCE AND SING ♪

♪ WHEREVER WE GO ♪

♪ WHATEVER WE DO ♪

♪ WE'RE GONNA GO ♪

♪ THROUGH IT TOGETHER, YEAH ♪

SON! SON! SON!

DID YOU SEE THAT?
DID YOU SEE IT?
ISN'T HE GREAT?

NOW, CHUCK,
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET
MY WIFE MARY.

AND HER 2 BOYS,
DANNY AND JODIE.

HI.

OK, I DON'T NEED THIS.
I'M LEAVIN'.

HE DIDN'T SEE YOU.

I LOVE THAT!

WE DIDN'T FLY
6,000 MILES TO BE STIFFED.

CUTE. CUTE.

I REALLY DON'T NEED
THIS AGGRAVATION FROM
THE LOWER MIDDLE CLASS.

HEY!

D-DAD, COULD YOU SAY
HI TO HIM? I THINK
HIS FEELINGS ARE HURT.

SURE.

HEY, BOB.
NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

DID YOU EVER SEE
ANYTHING LIKE THAT?

NOW, APOLOGIZE.

APOLOGIZE?

WELL, FOR IGNORING HIM.

I AM SORRY. I AM...

HEY, BOB, COME ON, BOB,
I'M SORRY FOR
IGNORING YOU LIKE THAT.

IT'S JUST THAT I WAS SO HAPPY
TO SEE CHUCK HERE, YOU KNOW.

UH, WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK?

UH, NO. THANKS.

OK, THEN I'LL HAVE ONE.

DID ANYONE ELSE NOTICE
I WASN'T INTRODUCED
TO THE REST OF THE FAMILY?

WHAT IS IT?
MY SKIN'S DIFFERENT?
I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH?

OH, OF COURSE YOU ARE.

HI, BOB.

I'M MARY.

HI, MARY.

AND THIS IS DANNY.

HOW ARE YOU?

HI, DAN.

AND THAT'S JODIE.

HELLO, JODIE.
HI.

AND YOU GET UNCOMFORTABLE
AROUND HOMOSEXUALS, HMM?

HAVE AN HORS D'OEUVRE.

I DON'T EAT MEAT.

UGH! I'M GONNA
LOVE IT HERE.

YOU KNOW, THIS IS TERRIFIC.
HOW DO YOU MAKE IT WORK?

GET AWAY FROM ME!
GET AWAY FROM ME!

TAKE IT EASY.
TAKE IT EASY.

TAKE IT EASY? WELL, DID HE
LOOK UNDER YOUR CLOTHES, HUH?
CAN I LOOK UNDER HER SKIRT?

BOB'S A LITTLE UPSET.
HE HATES TO TRAVEL.

DROP DEAD.

GOT A LITTLE PLANE SICK.

WHAT DID HE DO?
THROW UP SAWDUST!

OH, FINE.
NOW THE SISSY'S STARTIN' IN.

HEY, MY BROTHER
IS NOT A SISSY. HE'S A...

AHHH! OH! LET GO!

BOB! BOB, ARE YOU OK?

DANNY HURT ME.

WHAT IS IT, BOB?

MY HEAD IS STUCK.

IT'S STUCK.

I KNOW THAT. HURRY, HURRY!
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

IT'S MOVIN'.

NOT THAT WAY!

HEY, IS HE OK?

HE'S FINE.

KNOCK ON WOOD.

UP YOUR KAZOO, BUTTERFLY!

HEY, YOU!

LISTEN, UH, WOULD YOU LIKE
TO FRESHEN UP A LITTLE BIT
BEFORE DINNER?

YEAH, I'D LIKE THAT.

OH, WELL GOOD. YOU CAN JUST GO
RIGHT UPSTAIRS,

AND I'LL BRING YOUR STUFF IN
A MINUTE OR SO, HUH? AND YOU,
YOU CAN TAKE A SHOWER.

ALL BOB NEEDS
IS A LITTLE LEMON PLEDGE.

I LOVE ANITA BRYANT.

I LOVE YOUR FAMILY.
OH, THIS IS GREAT!

YOUR FATHER JUST LAUGHS
AND STUTTERS.
THE DAME JUST SITS.

ONE GUY'S A FRUIT AND
THE OTHER GUY'S GOT AN I.Q.
SLIGHTLY HIGHER THAN KELP.

AH, THEY HAD A LONG TRIP.

I'M SURE AFTER THEY GET
WASHED UP AND RESTED, BOB WILL
BE IN A MUCH BETTER MOOD.

BURT!

HE'S A DUMMY.

I HEARD THAT!

SON OF A...

BELIEVE ME, MRS. TATE,
I DIDN'T WANT TO BE THE ONE
TO HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS,

BUT CHESTER JUST HASN'T GIVEN
ME ANY CHOICE. I'M SORRY.

WELL, WELL, WELL,
LOOK WHO'S HERE!

GLAD TO SEE YOU, MR. TATE.
NICE TO HAVE YOU HOME EARLY.
LET ME TAKE THAT FROM YOU.

ALL RIGHT, BENSON,
YOU'RE BEING TOO NICE.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

IT'S A SURPRISE.

LET ME FIX YOU A DRINK.

BENSON, HOW MANY TIMES
DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU
I AM ON A DIET.

I DON'T WANT A DRINK.

YOU'RE GOING TO WANT THIS ONE.

I SAID, NO!

WHERE IS MRS. TATE?

IN THE DINING ROOM. WHY DON'T
YOU HOP IN AND SAY HELLO?

OH! UH...

HELLO, CHESTER.
I WAS JUST LEAVING.

WELL, NICE SEEING
YOU, MRS. TATE.

I'M SORRY IT COULDN'T
HAVE BEEN UNDER
MORE PLEASANT CIRCUMSTANCES.

UH, JESSICA.

CHESTER, I... I... I...

I KNOW, HORRIFIED.

SPEECHLESS.
I'M SPEECHLESS, CHESTER,
AND ANGUISHED.

I KNOW, I KNOW. I'M, UH,
ANGUISHED AND... AND SPEECHLESS.

I, UH, WISH THERE WERE
SOMETHING I COULD SAY.

WELL, THERE IS NOTHING
TO SAY, CHESTER.

OH, WELL, OF COURSE,
I MEAN, OF COURSE, UH,
WORDS CAN'T EXPRESS THE, UH,

THE SORROW.

THE TRAGEDY.

TRAGEDY?

HMM.

WELL, MAYBE TRAGEDY.
YES, TRAGEDY.

AND HORROR.

OH, HORROR, YES.
THE HORROR, TOO.

I'M SORRY, JESS. I'M...

FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART,
I'M SORRY YOU HAD TO HEAR.

PLEASE,
DON'T APOLOGIZE, CHESTER.

OH, WELL, I KNOW
IT'S JUST WORDS...

YOU MUST PROMISE ME
ONE THING, CHESTER.

I'LL GET RID OF HER, JESS.

YOU MUST PROMISE ME
NOT TO FIRE HER.

ABSOL...

WHAT?

WELL, CHESTER, I MEAN
THAT GIRL IS SICK.

SHE IS SO FAR GONE ALREADY

THAT SOMETHING LIKE THAT
MIGHT JUST PUSH HER RIGHT
OVER THE EDGE.

YES, I, UH, I... I
SEE WHAT YOU MEAN. YES.

OH, POOR, SAD GIRL.

I MEAN, CHESTER, TO BE
SO MUCH IN LOVE WITH YOU

THAT SHE'S CONVINCED HERSELF
THAT YOU FEEL THE SAME WAY.

AND, CHESTER, THAT'S NOT ALL.

I MEAN, TO BELIEVE...
AND BELIEVE ME, CHESTER,

I MEAN, SHE REALLY
DOES BELIEVE THAT... THAT...

THAT YOU'RE ACTUALLY
HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH HER.

THE MIND, JESS. THE TRICKS
THE MIND PLAYS.

POOR THING!

YES.

WELL, CHESTER, YOU KNOW,
UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES...

I MEAN, IT'S
NOT REALLY HER FAULT.

I... I MEAN, WHAT WOMAN IN
THE WORLD WOULDN'T FALL
IN LOVE WITH YOU, CHESTER?

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

NOW, I'M GOING
TO GO UPSTAIRS AND DRAW
A NICE, HOT BATH, HMM?

SO YOU CAN HAVE
A GOOD, LONG, RELAXING SOAK
BEFORE DINNER. OK?

BENSON,
WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE
WITH THAT MARTINI?

I TOLD YOU I WAS ON A DIET.

MR. TATE, I HAVE SEEN
DUMB LUCK IN MY TIME.

I HAVE SEEN A GUY FILL
AN INSIDE STRAIGHT FLUSH
TO BEAT 4 ACES.

I HAVE SEEN A GUY
HIT THE DAILY DOUBLE
FOR 2 SOLID WEEKS! STRAIGHT!

BUT I HAVE NEVER, AT NO TIME,
SEEN NOTHING LIKE THIS.

DANNY, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN
THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE.

WELL, I THOUGHT
IT WAS A SNAKE.

A SNAKE WITH LEAVES?
HEY, DANNY.

I'M SO HAPPY.

YEAH. ME, TOO.

I MEAN, TO HAVE A REAL BUDDY.
I MEAN...

YOU KNOW, I... I'VE ALWAYS
BEEN KIND OF A LONER.
I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF FRIENDS,

SO TO HAVE A BUDDY
WHO LIVES IN THE SAME HOUSE...

AND NOW PETER IS HERE.
AND CHUCK AND BOB ARE HERE.

WELL, I GUESS IT'S NOT FAIR
TO COUNT BOB,

YOU KNOW HE'S A... YOU KNOW,
ONE OF THOSE.

DANNY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
DON'T CLEAN.

I GOT TO.
THIS PLACE IS A MESS.

AH, LEAVE IT! LEAVE IT! LEAVE
IT YOUR MOTHER'S NOT HERE,
WE CAN FEEL FREE TO BE SLOBS.

OH, YOUR MOTHER.
OH, IS SHE HAPPY!

DID YOU SEE HER
FACE WHEN WE LEFT
THIS MORNING?

SHE WAS THERE WITH
THOSE GREAT, BIG,
GLISTENING EYES

AND THAT LITTLE SMILE OF HERS.

YOU KNOW, THE ONE WHEN SHE
DOESN'T OPEN HER LIPS. HMM.

THAT'S HER MOST VERY,
VERY, VERY PRETTY SMILE.

THE BIG SMILE IS HER
MILDLY PRETTY SMILE.

THE LITTLE SMILE, WHEN SHE
DOESN'T SMILE AT ALL,

THAT IS, ODDLY ENOUGH,
HER MOST HAPPY SMILE.

AND THAT WAS THE SMILE SHE
WAS SMILING IN THE MORNING.

DANNY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
LET'S GO TO THE LAKE.

I GOTTA GET
THIS STUFF OUT OF THE WAY.

WHY?

WELL, UH, HOW ARE WE GOING
TO COOK FISH IF WE
CAN'T GET TO THE FIREPLACE?

ON THE STOVE.

BURT, FISH YOU BUY
IN A STORE, YOU COOK
ON A STOVE.

FISH YOU CATCH,
YOU COOK IN A FIREPLACE.

THERE'S NOTHING HERE!

YEAH. WELL, I MEAN, ASHES,
BUT, DANNY, THAT' S NORMAL
FOR A FIREPLACE.

FUNNY GUY. FUNNY GUY.
COME ON, DAN,
LET'S GO DOWN TO THE LAKE

AND SEE HOW THEY'RE HITTING.
TONIGHT WE GOT A FISH FRY.

FISH...

UH, DANNY?

UH... UH, DANNY, UH,
W-WHERE ARE YOU, DANNY?

I'M UP HERE.

DANNY, UH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
UP THE CHIMNEY?

CLEANING OUT THE FLUE.

"CLEANING OUT THE FLUE"?

FUNNY GUY. WALKS INTO A CABIN,
GOES RIGHT UP THE CHIMNEY,
CLEANS OUT A FLUE.

WELL, THAT COULD BE
A SAFETY PRECAUTION.
I DON'T KNOW.

HEY, DON'T TOUCH THAT.

WHAT IS IT?

NOTHING.
OH.

LEAVE IT ALONE.
IT JUST FELL DOWN THE CHIMNEY.

I KNOW IT FELL.

OK, WHAT'S IN IT?

NOTHING, I NEED IT.
GIVE IT TO ME, BURT.
I FOUND IT.

ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!
FROM THE LOOKS OF THIS PLACE,
IT'S PROBABLY GARBAGE.

IT'S FUNNY HOW
YOU THINK YOU KNOW SOMEBODY.

AT HOME YOUR ROOM'S A MESS,

YOU THROW FOOD ALL OVER
THE KITCHEN. WE GO AWAY
FOR THE WEEKEND,

YOU TURN OUT
TO BE LOUIS PASTEUR.

HEY, DANNY,
YOU'RE FULL OF SURPRISES!

UH, DANNY. UH, THAT'S A GUN.
PUT IT DOWN, IT'S DANGEROUS.

UH, DANNY,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU, UH,
YOU'RE POINTING A GUN AT ME.

I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, BURT.

THAT'S FUNNY. OH!

WILL CLAIRE COME UP
WITH A NEW PLAN

TO FORCE CHESTER
INTO LEAVING JESSICA?

WILL CHESTER LEAVE JESSICA?
IF HE DOES,
WILL JESSICA KNOW IT?

WILL THE MAJOR
CONTINUE FIGHTING WORLD WAR II
SINGLE-HANDEDLY?

WILL BOB, THE WOODEN DOLL,
RELAX AND ENJOY HIS STAY
WITH THE CAMPBELLS,

OR WILL HE CONTINUE
TO ACT WARPED?

NOW THAT DANNY HAS THE GUN
IN HIS HAND,

WILL HE PULL THE TRIGGER
AND KILL BURT?

AND IF HE DOES, WILL BURT
FINALLY STOP LAUGHING
AND TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY?

THESE QUESTIONS AND
MANY OTHERS WILL BE ANSWERED
ON NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE OF...

SOAP.