Soap (1977–1981): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript

THIS IS THE STORY
OF 2 SISTERS,

JESSICA TATE

AND MARY CAMPBELL.

JESSICA LIVES IN
A NEIGHBORHOOD
KNOWN AS RICH.

JESSICA LIKES LIFE.

THE ONLY THING ABOUT LIFE
SHE WOULD CHANGE,
IF SHE COULD,

IS THAT SHE WOULD
SET IT ALL TO MUSIC.

THE TATES HAVE MORE SECRETS
THAN THEY DO MONEY.

WE'RE APPROACHING
MARY CAMPBELL'S HOUSE.

MARY, TOO, LIKES LIFE.

UNFORTUNATELY,
LIFE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE
TOO CRAZY ABOUT HER.



AS YOU CAN SEE,

THE CAMPBELLS DON'T HAVE
NEARLY AS MUCH MONEY
AS THE TATES.

THEY DO, HOWEVER,
HAVE AS MANY SECRETS.

IN LAST WEEK'S
EPISODE OF SOAP,

CHESTER'S SECRETARY, CLAIRE,

HAD ARRANGED FOR
CHESTER'S MISTRESS, PIGEON,

TO FIND THEM TOGETHER
AT LUNCH,

THUS ENDING CHESTER'S
RELATIONSHIP WITH PIGEON.

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL.

CLAIRE HAS THREATENED
TO REPORT

CHESTER'S ILLEGAL
BUSINESS ACTIVITIES

IF CHESTER
DOESN'T DIVORCE JESSICA.

JESSICA HAS TRIED
TO END IT WITH PETER,
BUT COULDN'T,

BUT TELLS MARY
SHE'LL SEE HIM AGAIN



TO SEE IF SHE CAN.

JODIE HAS FOUND THAT
HIS QUARTERBACK BOYFRIEND,

IN ORDER TO PROTECT HIS IMAGE,
HAS A GIRLFRIEND.

JODIE TELLS HIM
THAT SINCE HE'S PLANNING

A SEX-CHANGE OPERATION
FOR THAT VERY SAME REASON,

HIS BOYFRIEND CAN GET RID
OF HIS GIRLFRIEND.

DANNY HAS TRIED TO FOLLOW

THE GODFATHER'S ORDERS
TO KILL BURT, BUT COULDN'T.

CONFUSED?

YOU WON'T BE
AFTER THIS WEEK'S EPISODE
OF SOAP.

I'M TRYING, GODFATHER,
I'M TRYING.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT
THE EASIEST THING
IN THE WORLD TO DO.

UH, WELL, WELL... WELL,
UH, WELL,

HE... HE TOOK THE GUN
OUT OF MY HAND.

HE TOOK THE GUN
OUT OF MY HAND.

IT'S A LONG STORY.
I CAN'T GO INTO IT...

HI, DANNY.

I THOUGHT I'D MAKE US
SOME BLUEBERRY PANCAKES
THIS MORNING.

GREAT.

OH, I LOVE
BLUEBERRY PANCAKES.

REMINDS ME OF MY CHILDHOOD
IN PITTSBURGH.

NOT THAT WE ACTUALLY
GREW BLUEBERRIES
IN PITTSBURGH,

NOTHING ACTUALLY GROWS
IN PITTSBURGH,

BUT I ALWAYS WANTED
BLUEBERRY PANCAKES.

I CAN'T... HELLO?

THEY HUNG UP.

HI, BIG BROTHER.

HEY, LITTLE BROTHER.

COOKING BREAKFAST, BURT?

YEP.

WELL, I HOPE
YOUR COOKING HERE
IS MORE SUCCESSFUL

THAN IT IS UPSTAIRS.

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING
I FOUND IN YOUR BATHROOM
THIS MORNING,

THE COOKBOOK OF SEX.

FOR A SECOND THERE, BURT,
I THOUGHT

THAT THE HAPPY HOOKER
AND THE GALLOPING GOURMET
HAD DECIDED TO COLLABORATE.

JUST GIVE ME THE BOOK.

I COULDN'T HELP BUT BROWSE.
YOU KNOW HOW I LOVE TO COOK.

I FIGURED I COULD FIND
ALL SORTS OF WONDERFUL THINGS

I COULD DO WITH A DUCK.
QUACK! QUACK!

STOP.

SIT DOWN AND EAT
YOUR BREAKFASTS.

SIT.

IF ANYONE'S INTERESTED,
I'VE THOUGHT IT OVER

AND I'VE DEFINITELY DECIDED
TO GO AHEAD

WITH THE SEX-CHANGE OPERATION.

HE'S STARTING WITH THAT
SEX CHANGE STUFF AGAIN.

COULD WE TALK
ABOUT THIS LATER?
PEOPLE ARE EATING.

THERE'S NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT.
I START THE SHOTS NEXT WEEK.

WHAT SHOTS?

THE HORMONE SHOTS.

MY HIPS WILL BECOME ROUNDED.

MY FACIAL HAIR
WILL FALL OUT.

OH, WHAT A SENSE
OF HUMOR.

I MEAN THIS GUY
WOULD ACTUALLY GO OUT

AND GET THOSE SHOTS
IF HE THOUGHT IT WOULD
MAKE US LAUGH.

SHOTS! I LOVE IT.

WE'LL TALK
ABOUT THIS LATER.

BURT, REMEMBER,
2:00 TODAY.

OH, I CAN'T.
I CAN'T TODAY, MARY. I CAN'T.

UH, THE BRICKLAYERS
ARE COMING TOMORROW

AND THE GUYS HAVEN'T FINISHED
POURING THE FOUNDATION YET.

I MEAN, THE FOUNDATION
DOESN'T GET POURED,

BRICKS DON'T GET LAID.

BRICKS?

THE MAN'S WORRIED
ABOUT BRICKS?

BURT, DR. MEDLOW
IS A VERY BUSY MAN.

THIS IS THE ONLY APPOINTMENT
HE COULD GIVE US.

WE CAN'T CANCEL.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT.

THE DR. MEDLOW?

KNOCK IT OFF.
YOU DON'T KNOW HIM.

OH, NOT PERSONALLY.

I'VE NEVER HAD THE NEED
TO CONSULT A SEX PSYCHIATRIST.

HE HAPPENS TO BE
A DERMATOLOGIST.

OH, COME ON, BURT.
I KNOW WHAT DR. MEDLOW DOES.

AND WHAT YOU DON'T.

OH, I'M GONNA...

AND I'M THE ONE
WHO SHOULD SEE A PSYCHIATRIST?

MARY, THOSE 2 BOYS
ARE ON A BANANA BOAT.

YOU GOT ONE SON ABOUT TO BUY
HIS FIRST BRA,

AND ANOTHER WHO THINKS
THAT'S... THAT'S HYSTERICAL.

AND I'M THE ONE YOU WANT
TO TAKE TO A PSYCHIATRIST.

COME ON, DARLING.

I'M SURE DR. MEDLOW WILL GET
TO THE BOTTOM OF THE PROBLEM
IN NO TIME.

AND IT'LL TURN OUT
TO BE A SIMPLE THING.

YOU'LL SEE.

HUMPH! SIMPLE THING.

A SIMPLE THING.

I MEAN, I SHOULD GO
TO A PSYCHIATRIST

TO FIND OUT
WHY I'M IMPOTENT?

HA, HA, HA!
I KNOW WHY I'M IMPOTENT.

I'M IMPOTENT BECAUSE
EVERY TIME I GO
TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU,

I SEE BEFORE ME
THE FACE OF YOUR
DEAD HUSBAND,

THE MAN I MURDERED.

HAH! I MEAN, JUST SEE
SOMETHING LIKE THAT

AND THEN TRY
TO GET IN THE MOOD.

AND NOW I'M GONNA
PAY A PSYCHIATRIST

TO FIND OUT WHAT
I ALREADY KNOW,
WHICH I'M HIDING.

ALL RIGHT, GIMME A BREAK,
WILL YA?

DAMN!

CLAIRE, WOULD YOU STOP.

CLAIRE, I CANNOT TALK NOW.

NO, I WILL NOT COME WITH YOU
TO THE FURRIER.

I HAVE TO GO TO THE DECORATORS
WITH JESSICA.

NO, I DON'T CARE
WHAT KIND OF FUR IT IS.

DON'T THREATEN ME.

UH, FINE. I'LL, UH... I'LL, UH,
SEE YOU IN HALF AN HOUR.

OF COURSE, I CARE.
YES, I CARE.

GOODBYE.

MY, MY, MY.

BENSON, WHAT IS THAT
SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

JUST WHAT I SAID,
"MY, MY, MY."

CHESTER, ARE YOU, UH,
READY TO GO, DEAR?

JESSICA.
YES?

YOU DIDN'T HEAR?

WHAT?

YOU MEAN YOU SLEPT
RIGHT THROUGH IT?

YOU DIDN'T HEAR
ME MOAN ALL NIGHT?

OH, NO, CHESTER.
I AM SORRY. I WAS SLEEPING.

I THOUGHT
I WAS DYING, JESSICA.

FROM WHAT?

FROM?
MMM?

FROM MY ARM.

WELL, CHESTER,
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH IT?

WELL, LOOK.

IT LOOKS PERFECTLY NORMAL,
I KNOW,

BUT IT WON'T GO UP.

I CANNOT RAISE
MY ARM, JESSICA.

DEAR.
SO, I CAN'T GO WITH YOU.

WELL, OF COURSE NOT,
CHESTER.

I MEAN, YOU HAVE TO GO
TO THE DOCTOR RIGHT AWAY.

MR. TATE?

WELL, SIREE,
WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT?

A MIRACLE.

OH, DARLING,
YOU'RE CURED.

BENSON HAS CURED YOU.

NO, HE HASN'T, JESSICA.
HMM?

HE HASN'T AT ALL.

BECAUSE, YOU SEE, NOW I CAN'T
LOWER MY ARM.

WELL, YOU CAN'T
DRIVE LIKE THAT.

MAYBE MRS. TATE
SHOULD TAKE YOU TO THE DOCTOR.

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY
RIGHT, BENSON.

CHESTER?

NO, NO, I'LL BE FINE.

I HAVE POWER STEERING.

I CAN DRIVE
WITH ONE HAND.

OH, YEAH?

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO WITH THAT ARM?

I WILL STICK IT
THROUGH THE SUNROOF, BENSON.

BUT YOU SEE HER
ALL THE TIME.

I TOLD YOU,
IT'S A FRONT.

I MEAN, THE GIRL
MEANS NOTHING TO ME.

IT'S FOR MY IMAGE.

WELL, DENNIS,
IF IT'S FOR YOUR IMAGE,
YOU MADE A LOUSY CHOICE.

I MEAN, NOBODY WEARS THEIR
HAIR IN A BEEHIVE ANYMORE.

OH, MY GOD!

WHAT? A REPORTER?

NO, MY COUSIN.
LISTEN, YOU'D BETTER GO

AND DON'T TURN AROUND.

HOW CAN I GO
WITHOUT TURNING AROUND?

THE DOOR'S BEHIND ME.

I DON'T KNOW.
YOU'RE THE FOOTBALL PLAYER.

OH, MY GOD! MY COUSIN'S HERE.
YOU'D BETTER GO.

HELLO!

HI!

WELL, THIS IS A SURPRISE.

YES, YES.

ARE YOU ALONE,
OR CAN I JOIN YOU?

OH, NO, PLEASE SIT DOWN.
I'M ALONE.

THAT'S FUNNY. I THOUGHT
YOU WERE WITH SOMEBODY.

THAT GUY? NO.

THAT WAS JUST SOME WEIRDO
WHO TRIED TO PICK ME UP.

BUT WEREN'T YOU WITH, UH...

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
SAME THING.

SOME WEIRDO TRIED
TO PICK ME UP.

IT'S FUNNY, EUNICE,

THAT GUY YOU WERE WITH
LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE
CONGRESSMAN...

IT WASN'T.

I COULD HAVE SWORN...
NO.

BUT THE GUY YOU WERE WITH
LOOKED EXACTLY

LIKE THAT FOOTBALL PLAYER.

NO, NO, NO. WELL, YE...

NO. YES, IT LOOKS LIKE HIM.
NO, IT WASN'T. FOOTBALL!

SO, YOU COME
ALL THE WAY OUT

TO UNION CITY, NEW JERSEY,
FOR LUNCH OFTEN?

YES. IT'S THE FOOD.
I LOVE THE FOOD HERE.

THEY MAKE THE MOST
MARVELOUS CHEF'S SALAD.

AND YOU?

WE'RE THINKING OF SHOOTING
A COMMERCIAL HERE.

I WAS OUT
SCOUTING LOCATIONS AND STUFF.

UH-HUH.

THANK YOU.

I WAS STARVING.
AH.

DO YOU WANT
YOUR LUNCHES HERE, SIR,

OR AT YOUR TABLE?

I'LL HAVE MY LUNCHES
HERE, PLEASE.

THANK YOU.

4 CHEF'S SALADS
AND 2 PEOPLE.

WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THIS PICTURE?

THAT WAS CONGRESSMAN
McCALLAM, WASN'T IT, HMM?

WELL, I'M COVERING
HIS CAMPAIGN

AND I WAS INTERVIEWING HIM.

YOU GONNA TELL ME
HE HOLDS HANDS WITH
WOODWARD AND BERNSTEIN, TOO?

JODIE, PLEASE
DON'T TELL ANYONE.

PLEASE.

I'M GONNA TELL?
MY WHOLE LIFE'S A SECRET.

THAT WAS...

THAT WAS DENNIS PHILLIPS,
THE QUARTERBACK, WASN'T IT?

SO, IT'S YOU
AND THE CONGRESSMAN.

YOU AND THE QUARTERBACK.

WONDERFUL,
ISN'T IT, HMM?

WELL, NOW, PLUS WHICH
WALTER'S MARRIED,

SO WE HAVE TO BE
VERY CAREFUL.

OH, WE DON'T?
YOU THINK DENNIS TAKES ME

TO THE TOUCHDOWN CLUB DINNERS
AS HIS DATE?

"HEY, FELLAS,
I WANT YOU TO MEET..."

WELL, AT LEAST
YOU GET TO BE WITH HIM.

WITH WALTER'S CAMPAIGN,

I DON'T EVEN GET
TO SEE HIM ANYMORE.

PLEASE. DO YOU KNOW
HOW HARD TRAINING CAMP IS?

I MEAN, THE MAN
COMES HOME EXHAUSTED.

PLUS WHICH, NOW
HE'S SEEING A GIRL.

A GIRL?
WALTER'S GOT A WIFE.

EUNICE, DO YOU REALIZE,
IN THE 20 ODD YEARS
OF KNOWING EACH OTHER,

THAT THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
THAT WE'VE TALKED?

WELL, I NEVER KNEW
YOU WERE NICE.

I NEVER KNEW YOU WERE.

WHEN WE WERE YOUNGER,
I USED TO HATE YOU.

YOU USED TO STEAL
MY CLOTHES.

YOU HAD SUCH NICE THINGS.

WELL, LISTEN,
YOU HAVE A FEW MINUTES?

I MEAN, IT'S BEEN SO LONG
SINCE I'VE HAD ANYONE
TO TALK TO.

AND IT'S INCREDIBLE.
WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON.

YEAH, WE BOTH DATE GUYS.

I'M... I'M NOT SAYING
ONE WORD, MARY.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT.

WONDERFUL, BURT.

WE'RE GOING TO PAY
A PSYCHIATRIST $50 AN HOUR.

WE'LL PLAY 20 QUESTIONS.

LOOK AT THIS PLACE.
LOOK AT IT. IT'S FOR LUNATICS.

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT, BURT?

IT'S A PERFECTLY NICE,
NORMAL OFFICE.

PERFECTLY NORMAL?
LOOK AT THIS.

SEXUAL PERVERSION,
FACT OR FICTION.

HA, NORMAL?

SEXUALITY IN INFANCY.

OH, OH, THAT'S NICE.
I LIKE THAT A LOT.

THE FRIGID WOMAN.
THE IMPOTENT MALE.
THAT'S IT. I'M LEAVING.

COME ON, BURT.

DR. MEDLOW HAS
A WONDERFUL REPUTATION.

HE'S AN M.D.,
FOR GOD'S SAKE.

M.D.? IN HIS CASE,
IT MEANS "MENTALLY DERANGED!"

MARY, LOOK AT THIS PLACE.
THE MAN IS SICK.

BURT, WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

WELL, JUST LOOK, LOOK.
DON'T YOU SEE IT?

I SEE SOME NICE,
CONTEMPORARY FURNITURE.

A FICUS...

HE'S KILLING
BY OVER-WATERING.

NO, THE MAN IS SICK, MARY.
AND I'M LEAVING.

YOU HEAR ME?
HE'S SICK, MARY.
SICK, SICK, SICK, SICK...

I WAS JUST SAYING
HOW SICK I WAS OF SITTING,

SO I THOUGHT
I WOULD TRY STANDING,

AND NOW I'M KINDA SICK
OF STANDING.

SO I THINK I'LL TRY
SOME WALKING.

BURT...

WALKING IS GETTIN' ME
A LITTLE FED UP ALREADY,

SO I THINK I'LL JUST TRY
A LITTLE MORE SITTING.

I'M DR. MEDLOW,
AND YOU'RE...

MR. AND MRS.
MURRAY FLEISCHMAN.

BURT!

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

MY FILE SAYS
"MARY AND BURT CAMPBELL."

THAT'S IT. CAMPBELL.

WHY DON'T WE
ALL SIT DOWN.

YOU HAD TO GIVE HIM
OUR REAL NAMES?

SO, WHAT
BRINGS YOU HERE?

WELL...

NOTHING.

MRS. CAMPBELL?

WE'RE HAVING
A PROBLEM.

UH, NO, WE'RE NOT.
IT'S NOT A PROBLEM.

I SEE. MRS. CAMPBELL,
UH...

WHAT IS THIS PROBLEM
THAT YOU'RE HAVING,

BUT MR. CAMPBELL
DOESN'T HAVE?

OH, I DON'T HAVE
A PROBLEM.

BURT HAS THE PROBLEM.

IT'S NOT A PROBLEM.

ALL RIGHT.

WHAT IS THIS PROBLEM
THAT YOU DON'T HAVE

THAT SHE THINKS YOU HAVE?

HA, WELL, IT'S...

THE MAN'S
A TOTAL STRANGER, MARY.

HE CAN'T HAVE SEX
WITH ME.

WONDERFUL.
A PERFECT STRANGER.

TELL THE WORLD, MARY.

LET'S PUT AN AD
IN THE NEWSPAPER,

OR BETTER YET, LET'S PUT IT
IN THE YELLOW PAGES
UNDER "BURT."

AND HOW LONG HAS THIS
BEEN GOING ON?

2 DAYS.
BURT!

WELL, NOT LONG.

6 MONTHS.

MR. CAMPBELL, I REALIZE
YOU'RE EMBARRASSED BY THIS,

BUT LET ME
REASSURE YOU,

THIS IS A VERY
COMMON PROBLEM.

EVERYONE,
ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE,
HAS THIS PROBLEM

AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER
IN THEIR LIFE.

EVERYONE?

OH, ABSOLUTELY.

AND MANY THINGS
CAN BRING IT ON.

FEAR, WORRY, MEDICATION,
FINANCIAL PROBLEMS,

SOMETHING IN ONE'S PAST,
GUILT.

AND EVERYONE EXPERIENCES IT.
I'VE HAD IT.

YOU HAVE?

YES.

WHAT CAUSED IT?

WELL, IN MY CASE,
IT WAS A PLAYBOY BUNNY.

JUST A WEEKEND.

NOW, THERE ARE
A VARIETY OF WAYS

TO TREAT THIS PROBLEM,
DEPENDING, OF COURSE,

ON THE REASON
FOR THE PROBLEM.

SOMETIMES, A FEW SESSIONS
OF TALKING IS ALL IT TAKES.

OTHER TIMES, WHEN
THE PROBLEM'S A LITTLE DEEPER,

WE TRY A REGULAR FORM
OF THERAPY,

A CHANGE IN ONE'S LIFE.

SOMETIMES WE BRING IN
A SEXUAL SURROGATE AND...

A SEXUAL SURROGATE?

A WOMAN VERY EXPERIENCED
IN THE ART OF LOVEMAKING

WHO HELPS A MAN REGAIN
HIS CONFIDENCE IN HIMSELF.

NOW, THAT ISN'T...

ARE THEY GOOD LOOKING?

BURT!

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

UH, WELL, I MEAN,
HOW OLD ARE THEY?

BURT!

WELL, UH, MARY,
UH, WAIT A SECOND.
THE MAN'S A DOCTOR.

I DON'T THINK THAT
THAT HAS ANYTHING TO DO...

HE'S AN M.D.,
FOR GOODNESS SAKE.

LET'S JUST LISTEN
TO WHAT THE MAN HAS TO SAY.

IS THERE A CHOICE?
YOU GOT PICTURES?

FORGIVE ME, FATHER,
FOR I HAVE SINNED.

YES, MY CHILD.

IT'S BEEN 2 MONTHS
SINCE MY LAST CONFESSION.

YES, CHILD.

I HAVE BEEN WITH 5 MEN.

CORINNE?

SOMEBODY'S ASKED ME
TO MOVE IN WITH HIM.

CORINNE, ENOUGH.

TO LIVE IN SIN.

THAT'S IT.

I'M PUTTING MY FINGERS
IN MY EARS. I WON'T LISTEN.

WHY? I CAN CONFESS.

CORINNE, YOU'RE NOT
EVEN CATHOLIC.

WHAT HAS THAT
GOT TO DO WITH IT?

I ASKED YOU
NOT TO COME HERE.

BUT I CAN'T STAND
NOT SEEING YOU, TIM.

I JUST CAN'T STAND IT.

NO, DON'T DO THAT.

PLEASE, TIM.

GO BACK IN THERE.
COME ON, GO.

YOU KNOW
WHY I'VE SINNED, TIM.

IT'S BECAUSE
I CAN'T HAVE YOU.

WHY WON'T YOU SEE ME?

I'M A PRIEST, CORINNE.

BUT YOU'RE STILL A MAN.

I TOOK A VOW.

MINISTERS DO IT.
WHY CAN'T YOU?

IS THIS A TEST?

TIM, REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME
YOU KISSED ME?

REMEMBER?

I STILL GET GOOSEBUMPS
WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT.

CORINNE, THAT WAS
IN THE 5TH GRADE.

YOU LOVED ME.

IN HIGH SCHOOL,
YOU TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME.

IN HIGH SCHOOL,
I WAS ALSO A MEMBER

OF THE PURPLE AVENGERS
AND SWALLOWED GOLDFISH.

YOU LOVE ME
AND I LOVE YOU,

SO WHY CAN'T WE BE TOGETHER?
IT'S NOT FAIR.

BECAUSE HE WON'T
ALLOW IT.

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
I MEAN, WHAT DID YOU DO,

HAVE A PERSONAL CONVERSATION
WITH HIM AND HE SAID:

"NO, TIM, NO WHOOPEE"?

CORINNE, CORINNE,
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT GOD HERE.

OH, COME ON.
WHAT'S HE GONNA DO?

SMITE YOU WITH HIS
TERRIBLE SWIFT SWORD?

JOKE, SHE'S JOKING. JOKE.

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT,
I'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE.
I WON'T TEMPT YOU.

AH, YOU'VE MADE
THE CHOICE FOR ME.

I'M... I'M GOING TO GO LIVE
WITH THAT MAN, TIM.

AND I WILL BE
WITH THAT MAN.

AND I WILL DO
WITH THAT MAN...

OH, GOD!

WHAT?

I SAID, UH,
"GO WITH GOD."

IS THAT ALL? IS THAT ALL
YOU HAVE TO SAY TO ME?

TIM?

FOR YOUR PENANCE,
SAY 2 ROSARIES EVERY MORNING

FOR THE NEXT 2, 3 YEARS.

WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY?

I'M NOT EVEN CATHOLIC.

NOW, UH, LET ME SEE
IF I UNDERSTOOD THIS.

YOU SAID WE CAN'T SEE
EACH OTHER ANYMORE, RIGHT?

UH, THAT'S RIGHT.

AND WE CAN'T SEE
EACH OTHER ANYMORE

BECAUSE SOMEONE IS
MOVING IN WITH YOU?

THAT'S RIGHT.

SOMEONE IS MOVING IN.
I LOVE IT.

A MAN WHO HAS HIS MATTRESS
REPLACED EVERY 10 DAYS

IS MAKING A COMMITMENT.

GEE, YOU'RE TAKING THIS
SO WELL.

PLEASE, DON'T BE UPSET.

UPSET? HA-HA.
DON'T BE SILLY.

GUYS LIKE YOU
ARE A DIME A DOZEN.

UH, LOOK, IT'S GOING
TO BE BETTER FOR YOU ANYWAY.

PLEASE...

GOSH! IT'S CORINNE.

LOOK, BABY, I'M SORRY.
WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS
SOME MORE.

MAYBE WE CAN WORK
SOMETHING OUT, OK?

YEAH. WELL, THANKS
FOR NOTHING.

WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY?

I'M NOT GOING OUT THERE.

THAT 400-POUND BLIMP
ON THE TENNIS COURT

IS MY BROTHER-IN-LAW.
THE MAN HATES ME.

DO YOU KNOW HOW
HE'D LOVE SEEING THIS?

HE'D BE ON THE PHONE
WITH MY HUSBAND IN 2 SECONDS.

GO IN THE BATHROOM
FOR A SECOND.

JESSICA?

HELLO, PETER.
MAY I COME IN?

I HAVE
AN APPOINTMENT.

THANK YOU, PETER.

PETER, THIS IS
NOT GOING TO BE EASY,

SO I'M GOING TO DO IT
AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE.

GOOD.

IT'S OVER BETWEEN US.

OH, GEE.

YES.

I'M LEAVING YOU,
PETER.

NOW, IT SHOULD NEVER
HAVE HAPPENED, YOU KNOW.

I... I MEAN, WELL, OF COURSE,
IT DID HAPPEN,

BUT IT IS NEVER
GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN.

AND PETER, I'M... I'M SORRY
IF YOUR HEART IS BREAKING.

WELL...

YOUR SHOWER
JUST WENT ON.

OH, RIGHT, I... I KNOW.
IT DOES THAT.

GOES ON BY ITSELF
ALL THE TIME.
YOU KNOW, PLUMBING.

WELL, AS I WAS SAYING,
PETER...

I KNOW, JESS. IT'S OVER.

YES, AND I'M SORRY.
I'M... I'M REALLY, REALLY SORRY.

I'M SORRY IF
I'VE HURT YOU.

I'M SORRY...
IT JUST WENT OFF.

WHAT?

YOUR SHOWER.
IT JUST WENT OFF.

OH, I KNOW.
IT DOES THAT, TOO.

SOMEONE IN CONNECTICUT
FLUSHES A TOILET,

MY SHOWER GOES OFF.

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES
I'M LEFT WITH SOAP
ALL OVER MY BODY.

PETER, WILL YOU EVER
FORGIVE ME?

OH, I DO. I DO.
I FORGIVE YOU. I REALLY DO.

OH, DEAR SWEET BOY,
STANDING THERE,

WHOM I'VE JUST LEFT
WITH A BROKEN HEART

AND A SHOWER
THAT DOESN'T WORK.

GOODBYE, PETER.
I'LL ALWAYS
REMEMBER YOU.

GOODBYE.

MOTHER!

CORINNE!

UH...

CORINNE, THIS IS NOT
WHAT YOU THINK IT IS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS?

THIS IS REALLY THE LIMIT,
MOTHER.

WHEN I WAS 8,
YOU TOOK AWAY MY CAP PISTOL.

AND WHEN I WAS 13,
YOU TOOK AWAY MY EYE SHADOW.

BUT THIS...

CORINNE, WAIT!

OH, MY GOD!

OH, GOD,
HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?

I ALWAYS TRIED TO BE GOOD.

I... I TOOK CARE
OF MY FAMILY,

SERVED ON COMMITTEES,
I READ TO THE BLIND.

AND NOW...

NOW I'VE HAD AN AFFAIR
WITH MY STEP-NEPHEW.

OR IS HE MY NEPHEW
BY MARRIAGE?

NO, WAIT, LET'S SEE.

HE'S MY SISTER'S
2ND HUSBAND'S SON,

SO THAT MAKES HIM
MY STEP-NEPHEW
BY... BY MARRIAGE.

IS THAT RIGHT?

WHAT DOES IT MATTER?

WHOEVER HE IS,
HE'S IN LOVE WITH MY DAUGHTER.

AND I MEAN, SHE ISN'T
EVEN MY DAUGHTER.

SHE'S THE ILLEGITIMATE
DAUGHTER OF...

OH, MY GOD!

MRS. TATE?

HELLO, MRS. FINE. I...

WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU WERE HERE.

WHERE WERE YOU?

IN THE BATHROOM.

OH?
CLEANING.

CLEANING?

YES, I WAS CLEANING.

I KNOW THIS MAY
SOUND SILLY, MRS. TATE,

BUT, UH, I LOVE TO CLEAN.
I JUST LOVE IT.

AND EVER SINCE MY HUSBAND
GOT ME A MAID,

I HAVE NOTHING TO CLEAN
ANYMORE. NOTHING.

I SEE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

ME?
UH-HUH.

UH, DECORATING.

DECORATING?

YES. OH, I... I JUST LOVE
TO DECORATE.

AND, OF COURSE,
MY HOUSE IS ALREADY DECORATED

AND THIS POOR BOY'S APARTMENT
IS JUST AWFUL.

DECORATING, HUMPH.

CLEANING?

GOODBYE, MRS. TATE.

GOODBYE, MRS. FINE.

WILL CORINNE
EVER LEAVE FATHER TIM ALONE?

WILL CORINNE EVER FORGIVE
HER MOTHER FOR PETER?

WILL CORINNE EVER FORGIVE
PETER FOR HER MOTHER?

NOW THAT JODIE IS GOING
TO BECOME HIS BOYFRIEND'S
GIRLFRIEND,

WILL HIS BOYFRIEND
GET RID OF HIS GIRLFRIEND?

SINCE BURT SEEMS
UNWILLING TO TALK,

WILL THE PSYCHIATRIST EVER
BE ABLE TO CURE HIS IMPOTENCY?

SINCE DANNY SEEMS
TO BE A KLUTZ,

WILL HE EVER BE ABLE
TO KILL BURT?

WILL BURT BE CURED
OR KILLED?

THESE QUESTIONS
AND MANY OTHERS
WILL BE ANSWERED

ON NEXT WEEKS EPISODE
OF SOAP.