Soap (1977–1981): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript

THIS IS
THE STORY OF 2 SISTERS,

JESSICA TATE

AND MARY CAMPBELL.

JESSICA LIVES IN
A NEIGHBORHOOD KNOWN
AS RICH.

JESSICA LIKES LIFE.

THE ONLY THING ABOUT LIFE
SHE WOULD CHANGE,
IF SHE COULD,

IS THAT SHE WOULD
SET IT ALL TO MUSIC.

THE TATES HAVE MORE SECRETS
THAN THEY DO MONEY.

WE'RE APPROACHING
MARY CAMPBELL'S HOUSE.

MARY, TOO, LIKES LIFE.

UNFORTUNATELY,
LIFE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE
TOO CRAZY ABOUT HER.



AS YOU CAN SEE,
THE CAMPBELLS DON'T HAVE

NEARLY AS MUCH MONEY
AS THE TATES.

THEY DO, HOWEVER,
HAVE AS MANY SECRETS.

IN LAST WEEK'S EPISODE
OF SOAP, WE DISCOVERED
THAT NOT ONLY JESSICA

AND HER DAUGHTER ARE
HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH
PETER, THE TENNIS PRO,

BUT THAT PETER
IS BURT CAMPBELL'S
LONG LOST SON.

AS FOR BURT CAMPBELL,
MARY'S 2ND HUSBAND,

HE IS SO OVERWHELMED BY GUILT
FOR HAVING MURDERED
MARY'S FIRST HUSBAND,

HE CAN NO LONGER
MAKE LOVE TO HER.

BUT THIS IS NOTHING,
BECAUSE BURT DOESN'T KNOW
THAT MARY'S SON, DANNY,

IN ORDER TO LEAVE THE MOB,
HAS TO KILL THE MAN
WHO KILLED HIS FATHER.

DANNY DOESN'T KNOW THAT
THAT MAN IS BURT... YET.

MARY'S OTHER SON, JODIE,
IS CONTEMPLATING
BECOMING HER DAUGHTER.

LIFE IS ALSO NOT EXACTLY
A BED OF ROSES FOR
JESSICA'S HUSBAND, CHESTER.



HIS AFFAIR
WITH HIS SECRETARY, CLAIRE,
HAS BECOME COMPLICATED

BY THE FACT THAT
SHE IS NOW BLACKMAILING HIM.

CONFUSED?
YOU WON'T BE AFTER
THIS WEEK'S EPISODE OF SOAP.

WE BEGIN
THIS WEEK'S EPISODE OF SOAP

SHORTLY AFTER PETER'S ARRIVAL
AT THE TATE HOME.

I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

I CANNOT BELIEVE IT.

I MEAN, IT'S SUCH A SMALL,
SMALL WORLD.
I CAN'T GET OVER IT.

I MEAN, MY LONG
LOST SON FROM HAWAII

COMES TO CONNECTICUT
AND WINDS UP TEACHING

MY SISTER-IN-LAW
AND HER DAUGHTER TENNIS.

BET THAT AIN'T
ALL HE TEACHES.

AND THEN,
AND THIS IS REALLY INCREDIBLE,

MY SISTER-IN-LAW
AND HER DAUGHTER DON'T KNOW

THEY HAVE THE SAME
TENNIS TEACHER.

PLUS WHICH HE DOESN'T KNOW
THEY'RE MOTHER AND DAUGHTER.

I'M NOT FINISHED
WITH THAT, BENSON.

AND THEN, AND THEN
TO TOP IT ALL OFF,

NO ONE, BUT NO ONE KNOWS
HE'S MY SON.

SO WHAT, BURT?

SO IT'S A SMALL, SMALL WORLD
AND I CAN'T GET OVER IT,
CAN YOU?

YES.

COLONEL,
WHERE'S GEN. EISENHOWER?

WASN'T HE INVITED?

WHERE IN THE WORLD IS JESSICA?

IN MY KITCHEN,
AND I WISH SHE WOULD GET
THE HELL OUTTA THERE.

I... I'LL GET HER, CHESTER.
EAT YOUR DINNER.

BENSON, I AM NOT FINISHED.

JESSICA?

OH, HELLO, MARY, UH...

COULD I GET YOU SOMETHING?

JESSE, YOU CAN'T HIDE
IN THE KITCHEN ALL NIGHT.

HIDE? WHO'S HIDING?
I...

I AM HELPING, UH, BENSON
MAKE A SOUFFLE FOR DESSERT.

UH-UH, UH-UH. FORGET IT!
I AIN'T MAKIN' NO SOUFFLE.

I TOLD YOU I AIN'T MAKIN'
NO SOUFFLE FOR THESE ANIMALS.

THE WAY THEY EAT,
I OUGHTA JUST SHOVE
THE FOOD IN UNDER THE DOOR.

AND YOU SEE, FOR A SOUFFLE,
OF COURSE, YOU HAVE TO BEAT

THE EGG WHITES
AND THE EGG YOLKS SEPARATELY,

THEREFORE,
YOU NEED 2 PEOPLE, MARY.

ONE TO BEAT THE WHITES
AND ONE TO BEAT THE YOLKS.
I'M BEATING THE WHITES.

OH, YEAH? WELL, THERE'S
A WHOLE TABLE OF THEM IN THERE
I'D LIKE TO HELP YOU WITH.

JESSE, I KNOW.

AND IF YOU DON'T
COME OUT, EVERYONE'S
GOING TO BE SUSPICIOUS.

OH, MARY, I'M SO ASHAMED.
I COULD DIE.

DO YOU REALIZE
WHAT I'VE DONE? I'VE HAD
AN AFFAIR WITH MY NEPHEW.

I THINK THAT'S
AGAINST THE LAW.

HE'S NOT YOUR NEPHEW.

I MEAN, I JUST
GOT USED TO ADULTERY

AND NOW I HAVE TO
GET USED TO, UH, TO, UH...

INCEST.

BENSON,
HE IS NOT RELATED TO US.
HE IS MY STEP-SON.

OH, MARY,

I'VE NEVER
DONE THIS BEFORE, EVER. I...

SEE, UH,
WHAT IT WAS, WAS...

I WAS LONELY.

I MEAN, UH,

CHESTER'S NEVER HERE,
AND THEN THE KIDS
ARE NEVER HERE,

AND I'VE DONE
ALL THE CLEVER THINGS I COULD
WITH SHELVING PAPER,

AND, UH...

SO, UH,

MARY, I... I... I DID THAT.

BUT I'M NEVER GONNA
DO IT AGAIN, MARY.
EVER.

OK, JESSE. OK.

COME ON OUT NOW.

IF YOU STAY IN HERE,
CHESTER WILL
BECOME SUSPICIOUS.

OH, MY GOD! CHESTER.
UH! I HAVE TO TELL HIM.

MARY, I HAVE TO TELL CHESTER
WHAT I'VE DONE.

ARE YOU CRAZY?

NO, IT'S THE RIGHT THING
TO DO.

IT'S THE STUPID THING TO DO.

I'M GOING TO TELL HIM.

ALL RIGHT, JESSIE.
I WAS NEVER GONNA
TELL YOU THIS,

BUT POOR, SWEET
CHESTER HAS BEEN...

HMM?

HOW DO I PUT THIS?

JUMPING ON ANYTHING
THAT BREATHES!

I WASN'T GOING TO PUT IT
QUITE THAT WAY.

OH, SWEET, ADORABLE MARY.

I MEAN, YOU'D JUST
DO ANYTHING TO KEEP
ME FROM TELLING HIM.

EVEN TO MAKING UP
THAT OUTRAGEOUS LIE
ABOUT CHESTER.

HI, MA. HI, AUNT MARY.
OH, HELLO DARLING.

CAN I HAVE
THE KEYS TO THE CAR?
IT'S LOCKED.

BUT YOU DON'T DRIVE, DEAR.

I DON'T WANT THEM FOR DRIVING.
I WANT 'EM FOR PARKING.

THE CAR
IS PARKED ALREADY.

LOOK, MA.
CAN I JUST HAVE THE KEYS?

I GOT MY DATE OUTSIDE
AND WE JUST WANT TO SIT IN IT.

BUT, DEAR,
YOU CAN INVITE HER IN.

I MEAN, SHE DOESN'T
HAVE TO SIT IN THE CAR.

SHE LIKES SITTING IN CARS.

MA, WE'RE JUST
GONNA LISTEN TO THE TAPE DECK
AND TALK. I PROMISE.

OH, WELL, ALL RIGHT.
HERE YOU ARE.

THANKS, MA.
BYE, AUNT MARY.

BYE.

AH, CHILDREN. I MEAN,
YOU WORK, WORK, WORK TO GIVE
THEM A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE,

AND THEN THEY JUST
WANT TO SIT IN THE CAR.

JESSICA?

OH. MARY.

WELL, THIS IS A FINE
HOW-DO-YOU-DO.

YOU INVITE YOUR INSANE FAMILY
OVER FOR DINNER,

AND I'M THE ONE
WHO'S STUCK WITH THEM.

NOW, JESSICA, EITHER YOU
GET OUT OF THIS KITCHEN
AND COME INSIDE,

OR I AM SENDING EVERYONE HOME.

SEND 'EM HOME.

SHUT UP, BENSON.

I WILL,
WHEN YOU SEND 'EM HOME.

WELL, JESSICA?

WHAT WERE
THE CHOICES AGAIN?

COME ON, JESSICA.

IT'S A SMALL, SMALL WORLD
AND I CAN'T GET OVER IT.

WHY DON'T YOU TRY, BURT?

YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY.
I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT
TAKING TENNIS LESSONS.

GET YOUR HANDS OFF
MY SON, YOU FRUIT.

MY BROTHER IS
NOT A FRUIT!

OH, MARY!

BOYS! STOP IT!
THAT'S ENOUGH.

MARY!

I'M NOT CLEANING THIS.
AIN'T NO WAY
I'M GONNA CLEAN THIS ALL UP.

BURT, STOP THIS, YOU IDIOT!

MEDIC, MEDIC! I'VE BEEN SHOT.

DROP THAT, YOU THUG.

GOODNIGHT, UNCLE CHESTER.
I HAD A WONDERFUL TIME.

I'VE HAD IT. I'VE HAD IT
WITH ALL OF YOU.

YOU ARE NEVER
COMING HERE AGAIN!

TERRIFIC. NOTHING COULD
SUIT ME BETTER.

SLOBS.

SLOBS? SLOBS?

I'M A SLOB? LOOK AT YOU.

YOU'VE GOT CRANBERRY SAUCE
ALL OVER YOUR SHIRT.

OUT! OUT!

BURT, ARE YOU ASLEEP?

ARE YOU KIDDING?
WITH THAT RACKET
GOING ON NEXT DOOR?

BURT, WE DON'T EVEN
TRY ANYMORE.

WHY DON'T WE TRY?

1:00 IN THE MORNING
AND THAT'S GOING ON.

THERE'S NOTHING
GOING ON NEXT DOOR, BURT.

WHAT? ARE YOU JOKING?
YOU DON'T HEAR THAT?
MARCUS AND HIS WIFE.

IS IT THAT YOU'RE
NOT ATTRACTED TO ME.
IS THAT IT?

I THINK HE HIT HER.

THERE'S NOTHING
GOING ON NEXT DOOR, BURT.

DID YOU HEAR THAT SMACK?
DIDN'T THAT SMACK
SOUND JUST LIKE A HIT?

I DIDN'T HEAR A HIT, BURT.

I DIDN'T HEAR A SMACK
AND I DIDN'T HEAR A HIT.

WHAT?

I WAS TESTING.
YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT?

MARY, MARY, I THINK YOU SHOULD
HAVE YOUR EARS CHECKED.

IT'S PROBABLY JUST WAX,
BUT I WOULD HAVE THEM
CHECKED ANYWAY.

BURT, WHAT IS IT?
IS IT THAT YOU'RE
NOT ATTRACTED TO ME?

NO. IT'S A TEMPORARY THING.
IT'LL GO AWAY.

IT HAPPENS TO MEN.

IT'S BEEN 6 MONTHS.

OH, WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL.

PUT PRESSURE ON ME, MARY,
IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN.

PRESSURE?

WE'VE NEVER EVEN
TALKED ABOUT IT.

I... I... I JUST DON'T THINK
WE CAN LET THIS GO ON FOREVER.

OH, TIME. NOW WE HAVE
TIME LIMITS?

IF THERE'S ONE THING
THAT DOESN'T HELP, MARY,
IT'S TIME LIMITS.

DARLING, MAYBE YOU
OUGHT TO SEE A PSYCHIATRIST.

NOW I'M CRAZY, RIGHT?
ALL OF A SUDDEN, I'M
SOME KIND OF A NUT.

NO, DARLING,

I JUST THOUGHT
MAYBE IT MIGHT HELP
TO TALK TO SOMEONE...

DID YOU HEAR THAT? QUIET.
HUMAN BEINGS
ARE TRYING TO SLEEP UP HERE.

BURT,
ARE YOU HAVING AN AFFAIR?

GOD, MARY, NO!

BECAUSE IT'S NORMAL,
DARLING...

A... A CHANCE ENCOUNTER,
A FEW GLORIOUS STOLEN MOMENTS,

AND SOMETIMES, LIFE CAN BE
ALL THE RICHER FOR IT.

SO IF YOU'RE HAVING AN AFFAIR,
YOU CAN TELL ME.

I'LL UNDERSTAND.

MARY, I SWEAR IT.
THERE'S NO ONE.

GOOD. BECAUSE IF YOU WERE,
I'D RIP YOUR HEART OUT.

MARY, HOW COULD YOU
THINK THAT, EVEN FOR A MINUTE?

BURT,
I BOUGHT SOMETHING TODAY.

I THINK IT MIGHT HELP.
NOW, UH...

DON'T LET
THE TITLE FRIGHTEN YOU.

THE COOKBOOK OF SEX!

I KNOW. I WISH THEY HADN'T
CALLED IT THAT.

BUT LOOK,
IT'S WRITTEN BY AN M.D.

RECIPES? HE GIVES RECIPES?

MARY, YOU ACTUALLY
PAID MONEY FOR THIS?

WELL, YES.

I MEAN, I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING.

I'VE TRIED SHORT NIGHTGOWNS,
LONG NIGHTGOWNS,

NEW NIGHTGOWNS, NO NIGHTGOWNS.

I HAVE POWDERED MYSELF,
PERFUMED MYSELF.

BEES ARE ATTRACTED TO ME
AND YOU'RE NOT.

MARY, MARY, DON'T CRY.

PLEASE, HONEY, DON'T CRY.
PLEASE, DON'T CRY.

I JUST FEEL AWFUL.

SWEETHEART, IT'S NOT YOU,
I SWEAR IT. I, UM...

LOOK, I... I... I...

I LOVE YOU,

AND YOU'RE ALL I WANT.
I PROMISE YOU,
IF THINGS DON'T CHANGE,

I'LL... I'LL GET SOME HELP.
I PROMISE. OK?

TRY AND GET SOME SLEEP, MARY.

LOOK AT THAT.

I MEAN, THAT'S
A TOTAL IMPOSSIBILITY.

I MEAN...

THE FLYING WALLINDAS,
AT THE HEIGHT OF THEIR CAREER,

COULDN'T GET
INTO A POSITION LIKE THAT.

CLAIRE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING,
CALLING ME AT HOME?

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, CLAIRE,
IT'S 1:00 IN THE MORNING.

I CAN'T COME OVER.

ALL RIGHT, CLAIRE.
ALL RIGHT. I'LL COME OVER.

I'LL THINK OF A WAY. GOODBYE.

WHO'S LAUGHING?

BENSON, IS THAT YOU LAUGHING?

OH!

WHAT?

I WAS JUST SURPRISED
TO SEE YOU.

I LIVE HERE.

NO, I... I MEAN STILL UP.

I... I THOUGHT MAYBE
YOU HAD GONE TO SLEEP BY NOW.

I HAD A BUSINESS CALL.

CHESTER, I HAVE
A CONFESSION TO MAKE.
I, UH...

CHESTER, PLEASE SIT DOWN.

WHAT IS IT, JESSICA?

CHESTER, WHEN PEOPLE
HAVE BEEN MARRIED A LONG TIME,

THEY SPEND A LOT OF TIME
TOGETHER, AND SO THEN THEY GET
KIND OF USED TO EACH OTHER.

AND THEN OF COURSE,
ON THE OTHER HAND, THEY SPEND
A LOT OF TIME APART

AND SO, THEY DON'T SEE
EACH OTHER VERY MUCH.

SO, SOMETIMES THEY
TEND TO GET LONELY,

AND SOMETIMES, OH, CHESTER,
DESPITE THEMSELVES,

THEY SEEK SOME
LITTLE COMFORT ELSEWHERE.

AND SO, CHESTER,
WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY
IS THAT, UH,

SOMETIMES HOME COOKING
IS BORING,

AND SOMETIMES
THE KITCHEN IS CLOSED.

AND SO, SOMETIMES
ONE GOES OUT TO EAT.

JESSICA!

OH, CHESTER.

JESSE!

OH, DEAR GOD, JESSICA!
YOU'RE NOT SAYING...

I AM.

AFTER ALL THESE YEARS,
I THOUGHT I KNEW YOU.

I KNOW, CHESTER, I KNOW.

HOW COULD YOU?

I DON'T KNOW, CHESTER.
I DON'T KNOW.

HOW COULD YOU?
HOW COULD YOU?
EVEN FOR A MINUTE.

OH, I'M SORRY, CHESTER.

HOW COULD YOU THINK
EVEN FOR A SECOND

THAT I WOULD BE UNFAITHFUL?

HUH?

DO YOU THINK
OUR MARRIAGE MEANS
NOTHING TO ME, JESSICA?

DO YOU THINK I TOOK
THOSE VOWS LIGHTLY?

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

TO ACCUSE ME OF...

NO, NO, NO, CHESTER.
I DIDN'T ACCUSE YOU.

PLEASE, JESSICA,
YOU DID ACCUSE ME.

NO, CHESTER, I... I...

UNFAITHFUL!

ME?

JESSICA,

MAY I LOSE THE USE
OF THE ENTIRE RIGHT SIDE
OF MY BODY,

IF EVER I HAVE SO MUCH
AS LOOKED AT ANOTHER WOMAN.

MAY MY POST NASAL DRIP

BACK UP AND DROWN MY BRAIN,

IF EVER I HAVE BEEN
UNFAITHFUL TO YOU.

UH, CHESTER,
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

OUT.

YOU'VE GOTTEN ME
MUCH TOO UPSET TO SLEEP.

HOLD IT!

PUT THAT DOWN.

YOU UNDERSTAND, DON'T YOU,
THAT THIS IS
THE LAST FOOD FIGHT?

I AM MAKING YOU
A PROMISE RIGHT NOW.

IF I EVER SEE
ONE SPECK OF FOOD

ANYWHERE EXCEPT
ON A PLATE,

I AM LEAVING FOR GOOD.

CLEAN UP THIS MESS.

YOU WANT A FRESH CUP
OF COFFEE? I THINK YOU GOT
SOME BANANA IN YOURS.

YEAH, THANKS.

YOU KNOW, I THINK
SHE'S REALLY SERIOUS.

YEAH, ME, TOO.

YOU SEE, ODDLY ENOUGH,
THE THING IS,

I DON'T ACTUALLY HATE YOU.

I'M NOT TOO CRAZY ABOUT YOU,
BUT I DON'T HATE YOU.

IT'S NOT EVEN DISLIKE.
I DON'T DISLIKE YOU.

NOT THAT I LIKE YOU,
DON'T GET ME WRONG,
I DON'T LIKE YOU.

BUT I PROBABLY
COULD LIKE YOU

IF WE DIDN'T HATE
EACH OTHER SO MUCH.

THE THING IS,
I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU HATE ME.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
NEITHER DO I.

I MEAN, I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT
A LOT, TOO.

I'VE TRIED COMING UP
WITH REASONS,
BUT THERE AREN'T ANY.

I JUST LOOK AT YOU
AND I HATE YOUR GUTS.

YEAH, WELL,
I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.

BUT YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

YOU'VE NEVER REALLY
DONE ANYTHING.

DANNY, IT'S OK.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

WELL, I JUST DON'T WANT YOU
TO TAKE THE FACT THAT
I HATE YOU PERSONALLY.

I DON'T.
I DON'T, REALLY.

DANNY, I KNOW I ANNOY YOU.

I CAN BE A VERY
ANNOYING PERSON.

LIKE THE WAY I'M ALWAYS
TELLIN' YOU TO LEAVE THE MOB.

I MEAN, IF YOU WANT TO RUIN
YOUR LIFE WORKIN' FOR
A BUNCH OF GANGSTERS...

WELL, THE FACT IS,
I'M LEAVING THE MOB.

DANNY, THAT'S... WHEN?

WELL, SOON. THERE'S SOMETHING
THEY WANT ME TO DO FOR THEM,
AND THEN I CAN GO.

WHAT DO YOU GOTTA DO?

NOTHING. IT'S... IT'S JUST
A THING. I DON'T EVEN KNOW
ALL THE DETAILS YET.

YEAH, WELL, IF I CAN HELP,
JUST SAY THE WORD.

YEAH, DANNY, REALLY.

THANKS.

WELL, I GOTTA GO.
I GOT A MEETING.

WE'LL, UH, SEE
YOU LATER?

RIGHT.

BYE, BURT.

BYE, DANNY.

BURT...

HAVE A NICE DAY.

YOU, TOO.

HEY, COME ON...

I'D SAY THINGS ARE DEFINITELY
IMPROVING HERE.

DANNY AND I
ARE BECOMING BUDDIES.

YOU KNOW, YOU GO FISHING
WITH A BUDDY.

AND MY SON, PETER, IS HERE.
WE COULD GO FISHING.

PETER COULD GO FISHING
WITH DANNY AND ME.

THE THREE OF US COULD
GO FISHING.
PETER, DANNY AND ME.

AND MARY COULD COME.
IT'D BE JUST LIKE
A REAL FAMILY.

I BETTER BUY
4 NEW FISHING POLES.

WHY 4 NEW FISHING POLES, BURT?

I MEAN, AREN'T YOU
GOING TO INVITE ME?
I LOVE TO FISH.

THIS IS VERY NICE, BURT.
EVER THINK OF WEARING
A BIB WHEN YOU EAT?

GO AWAY FROM ME, FRUIT.

FRUIT! WONDERFUL.

YOU'VE AGREED TO
STOP THROWING IT.

DON'T YOU THINK YOU COULD
AGREE TO STOP SAYING IT?

CAN'T THE TWO OF YOU
WORK THINGS OUT?

HEY, I'D BE VERY WILLING,
EXCEPT THERE'S ONE
SLIGHT PROBLEM,

THE MAN HATES ME.

HE DOESN'T HATE YOU.

YOU DON'T HATE HIM.

WELL, CLOSE.

WHY?

I DON'T KNOW.

BECAUSE I'M GAY. RIGHT, BURT?
I MEAN, YOU HATE ME
BECAUSE I'M GAY. RIGHT?

WELL?

I GUESS IF YOU NEED A REASON,
THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

BURT, IT'S A TERRIBLE REASON.
I MEAN, LOOK AT ME.

I'M A PERSON.

BURT, LOOK AT HIM.

OH!

HE GIVES ME THE CREEPS.

BURT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
I GIVE YOU THE CREEPS?

I DON'T KNOW. YOU'RE SPOOKY.

HE IS NOT SPOOKY.

I DO NOT FIND HIM
IN THE LEAST SPOOKY.

YEAH, WELL,
MAYBE YOU'RE USED TO IT.

BURT, JUST THINK OF ME
AS A PERSON, THAT'S ALL.

I MEAN THAT'S ALL I AM.
I'M A PERSON SITTING HERE.

BURT, LOOK AT ME.
I'M A PERSON...

WHO HAPPENS TO LIKE MEN.

BURT!

NOW, NOW, WAIT,
WAIT A MINUTE. I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN IT'S...

IT'S HARD, THIS GAY BUSINESS.
I'M NOT USED TO IT.

I MEAN, ALL MY LIFE,
I WAS NEVER AROUND 'EM.

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP,
GAY MEANT HAPPY.

I MEAN, IT'S JUST
HARD TO GET USED TO.

AND LIFE WAS
A LOT EASIER THEN.

I MEAN, MAYBE, YOU KNOW,
WHEN YOU GUYS
WERE STILL IN THE CLOSET,

MAYBE IT WASN'T EASY ON YOU,
BUT IT WAS A HELL OF A LOT
EASIER ON US.

I MEAN, USED TO BE,
YOU WALKED DOWN THE STREET,
A GUY SMILED, YOU SMILED BACK.

TODAY YOU SMILE BACK,
EITHER YOU'RE ARRESTED
OR INVITED DANCING.

SO IT TAKES GETTING USED TO.
IT'S HARD
GETTING USED TO A GUY

WHO LIKES GUYS
AND NOT GIRLS.

AND NOW YOU'RE GOING TO GET
A SEX-CHANGE OPERATION
AND BE A GIRL.

NOW I GOTTA GET USED TO
A GUY WHO IS NOW A GIRL

WHO LIKES GUYS
AND NOT GIRLS,

WHO USED TO BE A GUY
WHO LIKED GUYS
AND NOT GIRLS.

BUT I'LL TRY.

FROM NOW ON,
I'LL TRY TO LOOK AT YOU

AS A PERSON.

AND I'LL TRY AND LOOK AT YOU
THE SAME WAY.

DANNY? DANNY.
COME IN, COME IN.

AFTERNOON, GODFATHER.

AH, DANNY. SIT DOWN.
THE FOOD IS GETTING COLD.

GODFATHER, I'VE GIVEN IT
A LOT OF THOUGHT...

NOT UNTIL YOU
TASTE THIS, DANNY.

JUST WAIT UNTIL
YOU TASTE THIS.

OH, NO, THANKS.
I'M NOT REALLY VERY HUNGRY.

DANNY, THIS RESTAURANT
BELONGS TO MY MOTHER.

IF YOU DON'T EAT,
SHE'LL KILL ME. HUH?

OK, BUT JUST A LITTLE.
ALL RIGHT.

YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS.
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.

GODFATHER,
I'VE THOUGHT IT OVER,

AND I'VE DECIDED
TO TAKE THE CONTRACT.

HOW IS THAT, HUH?

OH, IT LOOKS GREAT.
I LOVE CHICKEN.

THAT'S EEL.

IT'S GOOD, EH? HUH?

AH, YES.

AND NOW, I WANT YOU TO TRY
SOME OF THIS LINGUINI.

I SWEAR IT'S
BETTER THAN SEX.

YOU KNOW,

I'M NOT PARTICULARLY CRAZY
ABOUT THE IDEA
OF KILLING A MAN.

WHO IS?

I MEAN, I HAVE A TOUGH TIME
KILLING A BUG.

BUT I THINK
IF I HAVE TO KILL SOMEBODY,

I CAN KILL THE MAN
WHO KILLED MY FATHER.

NO, DANNY. NO, NO.

YOU GOTTA TWIRL
THE LINGUINI AROUND
THE SPOON LIKE THIS.

DANNY, YOU CAN'T SIT
THERE WITH THE LINGUINI
HANGING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.

YOU LOOK LIKE A...

A... A DEMENTED WALRUS.

AH, THAT'S BETTER.

SO NOW WILL YOU TELL ME
WHO KILLED MY FATHER?

OK. I'M GONNA TELL YOU.

THE MAN WHO KILLED
YOUR FATHER WAS...

SOME SURPRISE, EH?

WHAT? I... I DIDN'T HEAR
WHAT YOU SAID.

I SAID, SOME SURPRISE, EH?

NO, THE NAME.

OH.

YOUR STEPFATHER.

WHAT ABOUT MY STEPFATHER?

HE'S THE ONE.

BURT?
OH, YES, BURT.

OH, COME ON.
BE SERIOUS.

OH, YOU THINK
I MAKE IT UP, HUH, DANNY?

YOU THINK I MAKE UP A STORY
YOUR STEPFATHER
KILLS YOUR FATHER

AND NOW YOU GOTTA...

HEY, SHAKESPEARE
MAYBE MAKES UP BAD
STORIES LIKE THAT. I DON'T.

HUH?

BUT WHY WOULD HE
KILL MY FATHER?

BECAUSE YOUR FATHER
WAS TRYING TO RUN HIM
OUT OF BUSINESS.

IF I WAS A BURT,
I WOULD DO THE SAME THING.

NOW, I LOVE YOUR FATHER,
DANNY, BUT A SWEET MAN...

NO.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

IN THE MEANTIME,
THE SALTIMBOCCA IS ICE COLD,
DANNY.

BURT?
YES, BURT.

NOW, LOOK, LOOK,
YOU DIDN'T TOUCH A THING.
MY MOTHER IS GONNA KILL ME.

BURT CAMPBELL
KILLED MY FATHER?

THERE ARE 2 THINGS
IN THIS LIFE THAT
MY MOTHER CAN'T STAND TO SEE.

A GUEST HOST ON
THE TONIGHT SHOW AND
FOOD LEFT ON A PLATE.

HUH!

MAYBE, MAYBE IT WAS
ANOTHER BURT CAMPBELL.
IT'S A COMMON NAME.

DANNY, IT WAS HIM.
HE WAS THE ONE.

NO, HEY, THIS IS FOR YOU.

THERE'S A GUN IN THERE.

OH, AND WHAT DID YOU THINK
WOULD BE IN THERE,
SPUMONI TO GO, EH?

COME ON, DANNY.

I CAN'T DO IT.

I BEG YOUR PARDON.

I MEAN, YOU'RE TALKING
ABOUT THE MAN
MY MOTHER LOVES.

I CAN'T KILL HIM.
YES, YOU CAN.

NO, I CAN'T.
YES, YOU CAN.

NO, I CAN'T.
YES, YOU CAN.

NO, I CAN'T.
YES, YOU...

WHAT IS THIS, A MUSICAL?

YES, YOU CAN,

AND I'M A GONNA TELL YOU
HOW YOU CAN

BY LETTING YOU KNOW
WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN
IF YOU CAN'T.

IF YOU CAN'T,
WE GONNA KILL YOU.

AS THEY SAY IN ITALIANO,

"CARO MIO, SEI NEI GUAI."

WHAT'S THAT MEAN?

BOY, ARE YOU IN IT!

WILL BURT AND DANNY
BECOME FRIENDS

OR WILL DANNY KILL BURT,

THUS PUTTING
SOMEWHAT OF A STRAIN
ON THEIR RELATIONSHIP?

WILL JODIE GET
A SEX-CHANGE OPERATION?

WILL CORRINE AND
JESSICA FIND OUT

THAT NOT ONLY DO THEY HAVE
THE SAME TENNIS TEACHER,

BUT THAT NEITHER OF THEM
ARE LEARNING TO PLAY TENNIS?

WILL JESSICA BE ABLE TO STOP?

WILL BURT BE ABLE TO START?

THESE QUESTIONS
AND MANY OTHERS

WILL BE ANSWERED ON
THE NEXT EPISODE OF...

SOAP.