Soap (1977–1981): Season 1, Episode 22 - Episode #1.22 - full transcript

Even the hibachi chef shows surprise at Carol's blunt declaration to Jodie. Burt decides to fly straight into the cuckoo's nest. Billy is missing and Chief Tinkler lets Benson investigate his whereabouts. Mary expresses her concerns to Danny about his marriage to Elaine Lefkowicz; Mary is happy Elaine is not pregnant but thinks Elaine is "awful. " The Major thinks Dunn's River has a new black sheriff. Billy is failing Math but he is grateful not to be in a Glad bag. Benson is the defense lawyer's dream, giving testimony at Jessica's trial, while the prosecutor and Judge Padrillo quietly disintegrate into mistrial madness. Jessica flirts with the jury, whispering her testimony to them. The prosecutor, faced with dismissal, reluctantly announces he will be calling a surprise witness.

IN LAST WEEK'S EPISODE
OF SOAP,

DANNY BROUGHT ELAINE HOME
TO MEET THE FAMILY.

DESPITE BURT'S INVISIBILITY,
MARY'S HOSTILITY,

JODIE'S HOMOSEXUALITY,

AND CHUCK AND BOB'S INSANITY,

ELAINE WANTS TO
MARRY HIM ANYWAY.

PERHAPS SHE DOESN'T PLAN
ON HAVING CHILDREN.

MEANWHILE, AT JESSICA'S TRIAL,

MALLU'S ASSISTANT, CAROL,

HAS ASKED JODIE OUT,
EVEN THOUGH HE'S GAY.

JODIE HAS ACCEPTED,
EVEN THOUGH SHE'S A GIRL.



JESSICA TURNED HER TRIAL
INTO A TEA PARTY

AND THEN TRIED TO LEAVE

WHEN THE PROSECUTOR
SAID NASTY THINGS ABOUT HER

AND SPOILED THE FUN.

CONFUSED?

YOU WON'T BE AFTER
THIS WEEK'S EPISODE OF...

THIS IS THE STORY
OF 2 SISTERS,

JESSICA TATE

AND MARY CAMPBELL.

THESE ARE THE TATES.

AND THESE ARE
THE CAMPBELLS.

AND THIS IS...

YOU SON OF A...

GO!



BOYS. BOYS.

OH!

THANKS.

THANK YOU.

WOW!

WOW!

THIS IS A TERRIFIC PLACE.
I'M SO GLAD WE CAME.

I'M JUST GLAD
I FINALLY GOT YOU OUT
AT NIGHT.

CAROL, LUNCH, DINNER,
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

DINNER IS ROMANTIC.

HA! CAROL,
THERE'S NOT GONNA BE
ANY ROMANCE HERE.

WHY?

I'M A HOMOSEXUAL,
REMEMBER?

I'VE BEEN MEANING
TO SPEAK TO YOU
ABOUT THAT.

LISTEN, CAROL...

I LIKE YOU,
BUT, UH, I'M GAY.

SO IF YOU HAVE
EXPECTATIONS OTHER
THAN BEING FRIENDS...

I WANT TO GO
TO BED WITH YOU.

LISTEN, CAROL, UH,
I... I'M...

I'M... I'M FLATTERED,

BUT, UH, DUE TO CIRCUMSTANCES
BEYOND MY CONTROL...

YOU MEAN YOU
DON'T WANT TO GO
TO BED WITH ME?

RIGHT.
YOU'RE KIDDING.

NO.

YOU MEAN YOU WOULD
RATHER GO TO BED
WITH HIM THAN ME?

NOT HIM, NOT HIM.

HIM.

WHY WOULD YOU WANT
TO GO TO BED WITH HIM?

I'M BETTER LOOKING
THAN HE IS.

I MEAN, I WOULDN'T
EVEN WANT TO GO
TO BED WITH HIM.

CAROL!

OH, YOU KNOW,
THIS IS WONDERFUL.

I FINALLY MEET A GUY
I REALLY LIKE
AND HE HATES ME.

I DON'T HATE YOU,
I LIKE YOU.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO
SLEEP WITH YOU.

YOU DON'T LIKE ME.

I DO. A LOT.

I LOVE BEING WITH YOU.

LISTEN, WE CAN BE FRIENDS
AND WE CAN SEE EACH OTHER
ALL THE TIME.

WE CAN?
SURE, AS FRIENDS.

AND WE CAN GO OUT?

ABSOLUTELY, AS FRIENDS.

AND WE COULD GO AWAY
FOR A WEEKEND TOGETHER?

WELL, I...
AS FRIENDS.

RIGHT, AS FRIENDS.

WELL, WOULD YOU COME
TO THE CAPE WITH ME
THIS WEEKEND?

SEE, I WAS GONNA GO
BY MYSELF BUT I WOULD
MUCH RATHER GO WITH YOU.

AS FRIENDS?

RIGHT.

OK, BUT JUST AS FRIENDS.

RIGHT.

MARY.

WHAT?

MARY, LOOK.

YOU CAN'T TELL
WHO'S WHO HERE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
DARLING?

I MEAN, LOOK AT THEM,
THEY ALL LOOK ALIKE.

I MEAN, WHICH ONES ARE
THE PATIENTS AND WHICH
ONES ARE THE VISITORS?

MAYBE THEY'RE
ALL VISITORS, BURT.

MARY, YOU HAVE VISITORS
VISITING THE VISITORS?

WHO ARE... NOW... NOW,
WHO ARE THE DOCTORS?

I CAN'T TELL
WHO ANYBODY IS HERE.

HELLO.

HELLO?
SURE, HELLO.

IT'S EASY FOR YOU
TO SAY HELLO.

HELLO, I'LL GIVE YOU
HELLO. HELLO!

I THINK I'LL BE
ABLE TO TELL.

HI.

HELLO.

HI.

YOU HERE TO CHECK IN?

YES, PLEASE.

NAME?

BURT CAMPBELL.

BURT CAMPBELL.

DOCTOR'S NAME?

MEDLOW.

AH, DR. MEDLOW.
HE'S A GOOD MAN.

SYMPTOMS?

INVISIBILITY.

HEY, THAT'S NOT BAD.
I'M PARANOID.

I BEG YOUR
PARDON?

PARANOID.

THE SECRET POLICE
ARE AFTER ME.

THE ARGENTINEAN
SECRET POLICE.

AND THEY MIGHT BE BACK.

SO, UH, THAT'S WHY
I KEEP CHANGING HATS.

IT CONFUSES 'EM.

I SEE HAROLD'S
ADMITTED YOU.

I'M DR. RESNICK.
YOU MUST BE MR. CAMPBELL.

YES. HELLO.
HI.

I'LL GIVE YOU TWO
A FEW MINUTES
TO SAY GOODBYE,

AND THEN I'LL BE BACK
TO SHOW YOU AROUND.

NOW, WHERE WERE WE?

HE'S A PATIENT.

HEY, WITH THESE HATS
YOU THINK I'M ON STAFF?

HAROLD BRONFMAN,
PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIC.

YOU WORK HERE?

OH, YEAH.
WE ALL HELP OUT.

WELL, I'LL SEE YA LATER.

IT'S A CHEERFUL PLACE.

MARY, PLEASE DON'T, HUH?
COME ON.

WE ALL KNOW
WHAT IT IS.

BUT, DARLING, THEY'LL
HELP YOU. THEY'LL HELP YOU
GET BETTER.

I DON'T KNOW, MARY.

DOESN'T LOOK LIKE
THEY'VE BEEN MUCH HELP
TO THE MAD HATTER.

BURT, WE DON'T KNOW.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE
THIS IS AN IMPROVEMENT.

MAYBE WHEN HE
FIRST CAME HERE

HE'D CHANGE HIS
ENTIRE OUTFIT.

THIS IS NOT
AN EASY GOODBYE.

IT'S NOT GOODBYE.
I'LL BE BACK TOMORROW.

YEAH, BUT WILL I?

YOU'LL BE FINE,
YOU'LL SEE.

LAST TIME I FELT
LIKE THIS, I WAS 5,

AND MY MOTHER LEFT ME
IN KINDERGARTEN.

I FELT LIKE
MY LIFE WAS OVER.

I KNOW, DARLING,
BUT, UH...

I'LL... I'LL BE HERE
EVERY DAY, I PROMISE.

YOU CALL ME IF
YOU NEED ANYTHING.

OK?

SEE YOU TOMORROW.

I LOVE YOU.

SCARED?

WHAT?

YOU'RE SCARED STIFF.

HEY, HEY.
I'M NOT SCARED STIFF.

WHAT HAVE I GOT
TO BE SCARED STIFF OF?

WELL, YOU GOT
A GUY TALKING

WHO CHANGES HATS
EVERY 10 SECONDS.

YOU GOT A LADY OVER
THERE WHO THINKS N.B.C.
IS TRYING TO KILL HER

BY SHOOTING
DEATH RAYS INTO HER

SO WE CAN NEVER
WATCH JOHNNY CARSON.

WE GOT A GUY OVER
THERE WHO THINKS

HE'S THE INCREDIBLE HULK'S
COUSIN BY MARRIAGE.

OK, OK.
SO, I'M A LITTLE SCARED.

YOU'D BE CRAZY
IF YOU WEREN'T.

HEY, LISTEN,
I WAS TERRIFIED.

I GOT HERE, I SAID,

"THAT'S IT, HAROLD.
YOU'RE NEVER GETTIN' OUT."

BUT I'M GETTIN' BETTER.

YOU ARE?

OH, YEAH. I'M GETTIN' OUT
IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS.

WHAT ABOUT THE HATS?

WE'RE WORKING ON IT.

LISTEN, BURT,

THEY'LL MAKE YOU BETTER HERE.
THEY REALLY WILL.

UH, LOOK, THE REALLY
NICE THING ABOUT IT IS,

YOU REMEMBER HOW CRAZY
YOU FELT ON THE OUTSIDE?

YOU'D WORRY WHAT PEOPLE
WOULD THINK, HUH?

WELL, HERE, YOU NEVER FEEL
THE LEAST BIT CRAZY.

HEY, HOW CAN YA?

COME ON. I'LL SHOW YOU
YOUR ROOM.

OK. THANKS.

OH, UH, HERE.

HAVE A HAT.

HEAR, HEAR.

WELL, THAT'S IT.

I MEAN, THE MINUTE
WE FIND BILLY,
I AM LEAVING.

I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE
TO BRING ANY MORE TRAGEDY
INTO THIS FAMILY.

JESSICA,
STOP TALKING NONSENSE.

NO, I AM A CURSE.
I AM LIKE ONE ENORMOUS JINX.

IF EDGAR ALLEN POE
WERE ALIVE,

HE'D FALL IN LOVE WITH ME.

JESSICA,
IT'S PERFECTLY NORMAL
FOR A YOUNG MAN

TO RUN AWAY AT ONE TIME
OR ANOTHER.

NO! IT'S ME.

SOMETHING AWFUL HAPPENS,
JUST LOOK AROUND.
I'LL BE IN THE VICINITY.

JESSICA...

PETER GETS MURDERED.
BURT GOES INSANE.

CORINNE RUNS AWAY.
BILLY LEAVES HOME.

NOW, I AM VERY
SURPRISED INDIA HAD
THOSE FLOODS WITHOUT ME.

MAYBE HE WENT
TO JENNIFER'S.

HE WOULDN'T
BE CAUGHT DEAD
AT JENNIFER'S.

BENSON, HE HAPPENS TO BE
IN LOVE WITH JENNIFER.

OH, THAT WAS LAST WEEK.
THIS WEEK HE HATES HER GUTS.

OH!

YOU WANT ME TO GET THAT?

IF YOU DON'T MIND.

DICK TRACY.

WELL, DID YOU
FIND HIM?

WHY, THIS FAMILY
IS A WHOLE CAREER.

DID YOU FIND HIM,
TINKLER?

IT'S INCREDIBLE
WHAT GOES ON
IN THIS HOUSE.

I MEAN, SHE'S ON
TRIAL FOR MURDER,

JUDGE TELLS ME
YOU'RE AN EMBEZZLER,

THE MAJOR SHOOTS UP
THE NEIGHBORHOOD,

AND NOW YOUR SON'S
RUN AWAY FROM HOME.

HAVE YOU FOLKS EVER CONSIDERED
FAMILY COUNSELING?

TINKLER,
YOU MEDDLING MORON,
DID YOU FIND HIM?

HE'S LUCKY HE
FOUND THIS HOUSE.

I'M GONNA FIND BILLY.
GIVE ME YOUR KEYS.

NOW WAIT A MINUTE.
THAT'S AN OFFICIAL CAR.

IT'S OK, I'LL TELL THEM
I'M YOU.

OH,

OK.

WHOA, WHOA, WAIT A MINUTE.
HUH?

BETTER TAKE MY HAT.

YEAH, GOOD.

HEY, WHAT ARE
YOU DOIN' STILL UP?

WAITING FOR YOU.

IS, UH, SOMETHIN' THE MATTER?

LET'S TALK.

YEAH, SURE.
WHAT IS IT?

YOU AND ELAINE.

OH, YEAH.

DANNY, DO YOU LOVE HER?

YEAH!

WELL, IT'S THE STRANGEST LOVE
I'VE EVER SEEN.

I WATCHED THE TWO OF YOU.

EVERY TIME SHE OPENS
HER MOUTH, YOU CRINGE.

YOU MAKE BELIEVE
YOU DON'T HEAR
WHEN SHE ASKS YOU A QUESTION.

AND A FEW TIMES YOU STUCK
YOUR TONGUE OUT AT HER

WHEN HER BACK WAS TURNED.

WHAT, WERE YOU,
UH, SPYIN' ON US?

SPYING? YOU WERE
AT THE DINNER TABLE.

DANNY, DON'T MARRY
WITHOUT LOVE.

THERE'S NOTHING
LONELIER THAN THAT.

WHERE WOULD BURT AND
I BE NOW IF WE DIDN'T
LOVE EACH OTHER?

I HAVE TO MARRY HER.

SHE'S PREGNANT!

DANNY,

YOU DON'T HAVE TO MARRY
THESE DAYS FOR THAT.

THESE ARE MODERN TIMES.

PREGNANCY IS
NO LONGER A REASON
TO MARRY AND PANIC.

SHE'S NOT PREGNANT.

THANK GOD!

GOOD NIGHT, MA.

THEN WHY ARE
YOU MARRYING HER?

MA,

YOU REMEMBER WHEN I TOLD YOU

THAT THE MOB HAD
A CONTRACT OUT ON ME?

WELL, ELAINE INTERVENED
AND SAVED MY LIFE.

WELL, DANNY,
GRATITUDE IS NICE,

BUT YOU DON'T
HAVE TO MARRY HER.

I MEAN, SOMETHING
FROM TIFFANY'S
WOULD BE AMPLE.

I HAVE TO MARRY HER.

DANNY, I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO SAY THIS, UH...

WHAT?

WELL, I'M AFRAID
I'LL HURT YOU.

HEY, COME ON, MA.

ALL RIGHT.

DANNY, SHE'S AWFUL.

SHE'S SELFISH
AND SARCASTIC,

PUSHY, TACTLESS, AND...

CRUEL AND OBNOXIOUS!

AND HER FATHER WILL KILL ME
IF I DON'T MARRY HER.

PEOPLE CAN CHANGE.

WELL, I GUESS
IT'S BEDTIME.

GOOD NIGHT, MA.

GOOD NIGHT, DANNY.

I AM REALLY
THE KISS OF DEATH.

YEAH.

YOU REMEMBER
WHEN DADDY AND I WENT
TO FLORIDA LAST YEAR?

FIRST FROST IN 50 YEARS.
KILLED THE ENTIRE ORANGE CROP.

JESSICA, KNOCK IT OFF.

OH, DADDY!

DADDY,
DID YOU FIND HIM?

WHO?
BILLY.

BILLY WHO?

BILLY,
YOUR GRANDSON.

OH, THE LAD. NO.

BUT DID YOU
KNOW THIS TOWN
HAS A BLACK SHERIFF?

COME ON, GRANDPA.
I'LL GET YOU SOME TEA.

HERE WE ARE.

OH, BILLY, OH, HONEY.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

HERE ARE YOUR CAR KEYS.

YEAH, THANKS.

AND YOUR HANDCUFF KEYS.

HANDCUFF KEYS?

YEAH, WHILE I WAS OUT,
I ARRESTED A DRUNK DRIVER.

NICE WORK.

HEY, YOU PEOPLE THROUGH
WITH THE HERO'S WELCOME?

THIS IS A RUNAWAY KID,
NOT A LOST PUPPY,
YOU KNOW.

ARE YOU GONNA TELL 'EM
OR SHOULD I?

DO YOU HAVE A WAY
OF MAKING ME LOOK GOOD?

GO ON. TELL 'EM.

WELL, I GOT
MY REPORT CARD BACK

AND I FAILED MATH.

I FIGURED THIS FAMILY
HAS ENOUGH TROUBLE.
WHY ADD TO IT?

I MEAN, WITH MOM
ON TRIAL FOR MURDER,

CORINNE LEAVING,
AND NOW DAD BEING...

OH, WE KNOW, WE KNOW.

SO I COULDN'T SHOW YOU
MY REPORT CARD

AND I DECIDED TO RUN AWAY.

BUT WHEN I WAS HITCHHIKING,
THE FIRST CAR THAT STOPPED,

I GOT SCARED AND RAN
INTO THE BUSHES.

OH, I HAD THIS AWFUL PICTURE

THAT THE DRIVER
TURNED OUT TO BE
THE GARBAGE BAG KILLER.

AND 40 YEARS FROM NOW,
THEY'D DISCOVER MY BODY
IN A GLAD BAG

AND YOU'D IDENTIFY ME
FROM THE FILLINGS.

I'M SORRY I DID IT.

I HOPE YOU'RE
NOT MAD AT ME.

I MEAN, YOU REALLY
DON'T NEED THAT NOW WITH
MOM ON TRIAL FOR MURDER

AND DAD BEING...

UH, WE KNOW. WE KNOW.

WELL, I'M SORRY.
AND I'LL WORK ON MY MATH.

OH, BILLY.

WE'RE YOUR FAMILY.
WE LOVE YOU.

DON'T YOU KNOW THAT
THERE'S NOTHING IN THE WORLD

THAT YOU COULD DO
THAT'S SO BAD THAT
YOU COULDN'T TELL US?

I MEAN, AFTER ALL,
I'M ON TRIAL FOR MURDER

AND YOUR FATHER'S...

WE KNOW. WE KNOW.

GOOD NIGHT.

OK, SON. WHY DON'T
YOU GO UPSTAIRS
AND GET SOME SLEEP?

THANKS, DAD.

HI, GRAMPS.

OH, THERE YOU ARE!

LOOK EVERYBODY,
I FOUND HIM.

YOU HAD US WORRIED SICK.

I'M SORRY.

SAY, DID YOU KNOW THIS TOWN
HAS A BLACK SHERIFF?

AND SO I REMEMBER
THAT NIGHT VERY WELL.

I ATE CHILI AND HAD GAS.

I COULDN'T GET TO SLEEP,
SO I STAYED UP AND WATCHED
ALL THE LATE MOVIES.

THEN, AT THE CRACK OF DAWN,

I HEARD MR. TATE TRIP OVER
THE EXTENSION CORD

THAT I FORGOT TO FIX,

AND HIS CURSING
KEPT ME UP THE WHOLE
REST OF THE NIGHT.

SO I KNOW MRS. TATE
NEVER WENT OUT.

MY GOODNESS,
WE HAVE THE INCREDIBLE
KRESKIN HERE!

WE DO? WHERE?

THAT IS AMAZING RECALL,
MR. BENSON,

ABSOLUTELY AMAZING
RETENTION OF DETAIL.

THANK YOU.

TELL ME, UH,
IS THIS SOME SORT OF

VOODOO WAY OF KNOWING
THAT YOU PEOPLE HAVE OR WHAT?

I OBJECT.

I DO, TOO.

ALL RIGHT.

VERY WELL, MR. BENSON,
KEEPING YOUR EYES ON ME NOW,

YOU WILL PLEASE DEMONSTRATE

SOME MORE OF THIS
AMAZING TALENT.

WHAT COLOR TIE IS
THE FOREMAN WEARING?

GREEN, WITH RED STRIPES.

AND THE WOMAN SEATED
DIRECTLY BEHIND HIM,

WHAT IS SHE WEARING?

YELLOW BLOUSE
WITH A BLUE SCARF.

AND THE MAN
SEATED NEXT TO HER?

3-PIECE BLUE SUIT

WITH A BLUE SHIRT
AND A BLUE TIE THAT CLASHES,

AND...

AND THEN, THE OTHER GUY...

ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL MEMORY,

BUT THAT DOESN'T
PROVE THAT MRS. TATE
DIDN'T TIPTOE OUT

AND YOU DIDN'T HEAR HER.
YOU MAY STEP DOWN.

WHAT?

A-HA! I SAID,
"YOU MAY STEP DOWN,"

BUT YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME.
WONDERFUL MEMORY,
ROTTEN HEARING.

I CALL MR. CHESTER TATE
TO THE STAND.
NO FURTHER QUESTIONS.

I HAVE NO QUESTIONS.

YOU MAY STEP DOWN.

THE MAN MUMBLED.
I HEAR GREAT.

DO YOU SWEAR TO TELL
THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH,

NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH,
SO HELP YOU GOD?

OF COURSE I DO,
TINKLER.

BENSON,
THAT WAS TERRIFIC.

HOW DID YOU REMEMBER
WHAT THE JURY WAS WEARING?

I COULD SEE
THEIR REFLECTION
IN THE WINDOW.

NOW THEN, MR. TATE,
ACCORDING TO YOUR DEPOSITION,

ON THE NIGHT IN QUESTION,
YOU DID NOT SLEEP
WITH MRS. TATE.

IS THAT CORRECT?

I BELIEVE IT IS.

ACTUALLY, MR. TATE,
YOU HADN'T SLEPT
WITH HER FOR A LONG TIME,

PROBABLY BECAUSE YOU
WERE BUSY SLEEPING WITH
EVERYTHING ELSE AROUND.

ALL RIGHT, STRIKE THAT.
I'M SORRY, COUNSELOR.

PLEASE FORGIVE ME
IF I REFER TO THE MAN

AS A CHEAT
AND A WOMANIZER.

NOW THEN, MR. TATE,

ON THAT NIGHT,

WHAT TIME WAS IT
YOU LAST SAW YOUR WIFE?

SHE DID NOT GO OUT,
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN.

SHE DIDN'T LEAVE THE HOUSE.

I SEE. AND, UH, WHY SHOULD
WE BELIEVE YOU, MR. TATE?

BECAUSE I'M TELLING
THE TRUTH. I WAS SWORN IN.

I SEE. SO YOU'RE
ASKING US TO BELIEVE

A MAN WHO IS BEING
INVESTIGATED BY THE SECURITIES
AND EXCHANGE COMMISSION

FOR STOCK FRAUD
AND EMBEZZLEMENT.

OH, GOOD!

OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR.
THIS IS NOT MR. TATE'S TRIAL.

SUSTAINED. WATCH YOUR
BEHAVIOR, COUNSELOR.

I... I... I AM SORRY,
YOUR HONOR.

I... I... I JUST GOT
CARRIED AWAY.

FORGIVE ME IF I CALLED
THE MAN A LIAR
AND A THIEF AND A CHEAT.

I'M SORRY.

AND I'M ALSO
VERY IMPRESSED

THAT YOU CAN BE
SO FAIR AND IMPARTIAL

TOWARDS A MAN WHO
PERSONALLY CHEATED
YOU OUT OF $40,000.

NO MORE QUESTIONS.

I HAVE NO QUESTIONS.

YOUR HONOR...
STEP DOWN!

BUT, YOUR HONOR...
STEP DOWN!

A CHEAT AND A WOMANIZER,
ONCE, IN THE WAR.

SOMEONE TO BE WITH
DURING THE END.

THE NEXT DAY I WAS WOUNDED
AND SHIPPED HOME.

TATE, WILL YOU
PLEASE SIT DOWN.

IT STILL PAINS ME
WHEN THE WEATHER'S DAMP.

THE PROSECUTION WOULD
LIKE TO RECALL TO THE STAND
JESSICA TATE.

GOODY.

NOW, MRS. TATE,

REMEMBER, YOU'RE
STILL UNDER OATH.

OH, I KNOW THAT.

WATCH THIS. MRS. TATE,

DID YOU KNOW
PETER CAMPBELL?

YES.

YOU TOOK TENNIS LESSONS
FROM HIM, DID YOU NOT?

YES.

YOU WERE ALSO
HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH HIM,
WEREN'T YOU, MRS. TATE?

YOUR HONOR,
I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE

TO DISCUSS MY PERSONAL LIFE
WITH THIS MAN.

WHAT IS PAST IS PAST.

"WHAT IS PAST IS PAST"?

THIS IS A TRIAL.

MRS. TATE, I ORDER YOU
TO ANSWER THE QUESTION.

WERE YOU HAVING AN AFFAIR
WITH PETER CAMPBELL?

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.
TELL IT TO THE JURY, THE JURY.

IT WAS VERY BRIEF.
2 TIMES ONLY.

OF COURSE IT WAS BRIEF.
YOU KILLED HIM.

OBJECTION!

SUSTAINED.

SORRY.
I WITHDRAW THE REMARK.

THE JURY WILL PLEASE
DISREGARD THAT LAST REMARK.

DISREGARD IT? I LOVE IT.

HOW CAN THEY DISREGARD IT?
YOU'VE ALREADY SAID IT.

ONE MORE OUTBURST
FROM YOU

AND I'M GONNA HAVE
MR. WINKLER REMOVE YOU
FROM THE COURTROOM.

UH, TI-TINKLER, YOUR HONOR.
CHIEF TINKLER.

OH, WHO CARES?

LENORE FELDMAN.
THAT'S WHO IT IS.

IT HAS BEEN
DRIVING ME CRAZY FOR DAYS.

I KNEW I KNEW YOU.

OH, MRS... MRS. TATE.
THIS IS A COURT OF LAW.

LENORE FELDMAN, YOUR HONOR.
REMEMBER WE DID
THE HOOLAH DANCE

AT THE P.T.A. THING, HUH?

♪ WALLY, WALLY,
HOLLY, HOLLY, WAH-EE-AH ♪

♪ AND OUR LOVE WENT
DOWN THE DRAIN-OH ♪

♪ WITH THE LAVA
FROM THE VOLCANO ♪

♪ OOH... ♪

"DRAIN-OH," "VOLCANO,"
HMM?

IT RHYMES.

YOUR HONOR, I MOVE THAT
MRS. FELDMAN BE REPLACED

BY AN ALTERNATE SINCE SHE HAD
A PRIOR RELATIONSHIP

WITH THE ISLAND PRINCESS.

GRANTED.

SO, YOU WERE
HAVING AN AFFAIR
WITH PETER CAMPBELL,

A MAN YOUNG ENOUGH
TO BE YOUR SON.

HMPH!

THE MAN WITH WHOM
YOUR DAUGHTER WAS IN LOVE.

HER DAUGHTER,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

AND SHE COULDN'T STAND
TO SEE HER DAUGHTER HAVE HIM,
SO...

SHOOT THAT MAN.

SO THIS SICK WOMAN,

LEFT ALONE,
FRUSTRATED, SPURNED...

OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR.

THE PROSECUTION IS TRYING
TO CREATE A SMOKE SCREEN

OF SMUT AND LIES,

TO HIDE THE FACT
THAT THEIR CASE IS BUILT

ONLY ON THE MOST MEAGER
CIRCUMSTANTIAL EVIDENCE.

YOUR HONOR,
THIS CASE IS A TRAVESTY.

THE PROSECUTION
IS MAKING A MOCKERY
OF THE JUDICIAL SYSTEM.

IS THIS AMERICA?
IS THIS JUSTICE?

IS THIS THE END OF MY CAREER?

I MOVE FOR A DISMISSAL.

ORDER. ORDER.

NOW IT SEEMS THAT MR. MALLU
IS CORRECT, MR. FRANKLIN.

UNLESS YOU CAN GIVE ME
A GOOD REASON TO CONTINUE,

I'M GONNA HAVE TO DISMISS
THIS CASE.

ALL RIGHT,
IT WAS GOING TO BE A SURPRISE,

BUT, YOUR HONOR,

TOMORROW YOU WILL HEAR
TESTIMONY SO STARTLING,

SO DAMAGING
TO THE DEFENDANT,

THAT WE'LL BE LUCKY
IF THE JURY DOESN'T
LEAP OVER THE RAILING

AND LYNCH HER ON THE SPOT.

WILL JODY AND CAROL GO AWAY
FOR THE WEEKEND

AS JUST FRIENDS?

WHAT WILL THEY COME BACK AS?

WILL THE HOSPITAL
MAKE BURT BETTER?

AND IF SO, IS INVISIBILITY
COVERED BY BLUE CROSS?

WILL ELAINE CHANGE
LIKE MARY HOPES?

OR IS DANNY DOOMED
TO BE MARRIED

TO A SELFISH,
SARCASTIC, LOUD, PUSHY,

TACTLESS, CRUEL
AND OBNOXIOUS PERSON?

WHO IS FRANKLIN'S
SURPRISE WITNESS?

AND AFTER HEARING
THIS WITNESS'S TESTIMONY,

WILL THE JURY REALLY
JUMP OVER THE RAILING

AND LYNCH JESSICA
ON THE SPOT?

WOULD THIS BE LEGAL?

THESE QUESTIONS,
AND MANY OTHERS,

WILL BE ANSWERED ON
NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE OF...

SOAP.

SOAP IS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.