Soap (1977–1981): Season 1, Episode 20 - Episode #1.20 - full transcript

IN LAST WEEK'S EPISODE
OF SOAP,

BURT, WHO THINKS
HE'S INVISIBLE,
WENT TO SEE DR. MEDLOW.

SINCE HE ISN'T
REALLY INVISIBLE,
DR. MEDLOW SAW BURT.

AND FROM WHAT HE SAW,
HE SUGGESTED TO MARY

THAT SHE SEE ABOUT
HAVING HIM COMMITTED.

WHILE EUNICE HID ON A LEDGE
TO AVOID BEING CAUGHT

BY CONGRESSMAN McCALLUM'S WIFE,

A NERVOUS McCALLUM
MISTAKENLY GAVE
THE BLACKMAILER'S PHOTOGRAPHS

TO THE NEW YORK NEWS.

IN THESE PHOTOS,
HE AND EUNICE ARE
DEFINITELY OVEREXPOSED.

CONFUSED?



YOU WON'T BE AFTER
THIS WEEK'S EPISODE OF...

THIS IS THE STORY
OF 2 SISTERS,

JESSICA TATE

AND MARY CAMPBELL.

THESE ARE THE TATES,

AND THESE ARE THE CAMPBELLS.

AND THIS IS...

YOU SON OF A...

GO!

BOYS, BOYS.

HEY, THEY SAID
YOU'D KNOCK TWICE.

I FIGURED THEY MEANT
ON THE DOOR.

WATCH YOUR STEP,
IT'S SLIPPERY.

GEE, THIS IS
INCREDIBLE.



UH, I KNOW THE COPS
ARE CRACKING DOWN. BUT...

BUT YOU GIRLS HAVE
TO GO THROUGH THIS.

HEY, LISTEN,
I'M NOT COMPLAINING.

I THINK THE WET LOOK
IS SEXY.

OH.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

OH!

WALTER, YOU SCARED ME
TO DEATH.

WELL, YOU BROKE MY SPINE.

WHAT THE HELL'S
THE MATTER WITH YOU, EUNICE?

THROWING BOXES
ALL OVER THE PLACE...

HOW IN THE WORLD
WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW
YOU WERE IN THERE?

YOU SURE TOOK YOUR TIME
GETTING HERE.

TOOK MY TIME?

I'M STANDING ON A LEDGE
IN A RAINSTORM,
AND I TOOK MY TIME?

WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO,

JUMP DOWN 38 FLOORS
ON THE MESSENGER TO STOP HIM?

NO. MY LUCK,
YOU'D MISS.

WALTER!

OH, I'M SORRY.
I'M JUST SO UPSET
OVER THESE PICTURES.

LOOK, YOU TAKE THAT SIDE,
I'LL TAKE THIS.

I HOPE I CAN GET
AN APPOINTMENT WITH
MY CHIROPRACTOR.

I THINK I BROKE
MY SPINAL CORD.

OH, LOOK. JACKIE ONASSIS.

WHAT IN THE WORLD
IS SO TERRIFIC ABOUT HER?

I DON'T KNOW, EUNICE.

I'D REALLY LIKE TO KNOW
WHAT EVERYONE GETS
SO EXCITED ABOUT.

LOOK AT THAT.
HER EYES ARE TOO FAR APART.

SHE'S GOT A JAW
LIKE DICK TRACY.

EUNICE!

HURRY, THEY'LL BE BACK
FROM LUNCH.

OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE,
WALTER.

YOU KNOW THAT A RESEARCHER
AT CORNELL UNIVERSITY

CLAIMS THAT POPCORN
CAUSES HEART ATTACKS?

POPCORN!

"2 MONKEYS DROPPED DEAD
OF HEART ATTACKS
AFTER EATING POPCORN."

SORRY...

EUNICE!

ACTUALLY, IT PROBABLY
WASN'T THE POPCORN
THAT KILLED THE MONKEYS.

IT WAS PROBABLY THE MOVIE
THEY WERE WATCHING.

EUNICE...

JUST TRYING TO LIGHTEN
THINGS UP FOR YOU.

NOW, IT'S GOT TO BE
IN ONE OF THESE.

I GIVE UP.
WE'LL NEVER FIND IT.

OH, NO. PLEASE, WALTER,

IF THE PRESS EVER
GETS THOSE PICTURES...

THERE'LL BE A SCANDAL,

AND I WILL NO LONGER
BE A CANDIDATE
FOR THE SENATE.

AND I'LL LOSE MY SEAT
IN THE HOUSE,

MARILYN WILL LEAVE ME.

HUH! YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
EUNICE,

IT MIGHT NOT BE SO BAD.
THINK ABOUT IT.

NO MORE CAMPAIGN,

NO MORE SPEECHES,
NO MORE POLLS,

NO MORE RAT RACE.
AND MARILYN LEAVING...

THAT'S SOMETHING
I WANTED ANYWAY.

I-I-I'D BE A FREE MAN.

YOU'D BE FREE.
WE'D BOTH BE FREE.

AND BROKE.

AH, SO WHAT?

OH, W-W-WE'LL MOVE
TO A... AN ISLAND OR SOMETHING.

W-WE WOULDN'T NEED MONEY.

WE'D LIVE ON COCONUTS
AND BANANAS.

OH, IN THE CARIBBEAN.

OH, LET'S MAKE IT AN ISLAND
IN THE CARIBBEAN.

ARUBA.
I HEAR THAT'S NICE.

ARUBA? YES.

OH, WALTER,
HOW WONDERFUL TO LIVE
ON AN ISLAND.

OH!

HEY, WHO KNOWS,
MAYBE WE COULD
OPEN A HOTEL.

I COULD COOK.
I'M A WONDERFUL COOK.

OH, WHAT A LIFE.

I MEAN, NOTHING BUT BEAUTY,
AND SUNSHINE,

AND CALM.

OH, WALTER,
WHEN DO WE LEAVE?

RIGHT AWAY.
OH.

OH, YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
EUNICE,

I'M GLAD THIS HAPPENED.
I'M REALLY GLAD.

NOW WE CAN LIVE.
NEVER BE APART.

TOGETHER FOREVER.

HEY, AREN'T YOU THE GUY...
IS THAT MY ENVELOPE?

YEAH.
I'VE GOT IT. WE'RE SAVED.

WE'RE SAVED.
I'VE GOT IT!

WALTER, WHAT ABOUT ARUBA?

WHAT? IN THE MIDDLE
OF MY CAMPAIGN.

I'D LOSE MY SEAT
IN THE HOUSE.

I COULD BE A SENATOR,
EUNICE.

WE'LL GO SOMETIME
FOR A WEEKEND.
IT'LL BE FUN.

GOOD MORNING.

UH, JODIE, HAVE, UH...
HAVE YOU SEEN BOB?

BOB WHO?

UH, BOB.

MY BOB.

OH, BOB!

YEAH.

NO.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED.

I... I WAS IN THE BATHROOM,
HE WAS STILL SLEEPING,

AND WHEN I CAME BACK,
HE WAS GONE.

HMM. MAYBE HE RAN AWAY.

NO. I JUST...

I JUST HAVE THIS AWFUL FEELING
SOMETHING HAPPENED TO HIM.

OH, CHUCK,
WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN.

I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

I CAN'T, JODIE.
I CAN'T SIT DOWN AND TALK.

BOB IS MISSING.

WELL, UH, MAYBE BY THE TIME
WE FINISH TALKING,

BOB MIGHT TURN UP.

YOU DO KNOW WHERE HE IS,
DON'T YOU?

SIT DOWN, CHUCK.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
WHERE IS HE?

WHAT DID YOU DO WITH HIM?

LISTEN, CHUCK, RECENTLY
I'VE BEEN GETTING SOME VERY
NASTY NOTES LIKE THAT ONE.

THAT'S VICIOUS, CHUCK.
THAT HURTS.

AND THEY'RE ALL SIGNED,
"BOB CAMPBELL."

NO.

YES.

WELL, I'LL HAVE A TALK
WITH HIM.

CHUCK, WHY ARE YOU
SENDING ME THESE NOTES?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,
JODIE?

YOU JUST SAID BOB
WAS SENDING THESE NOTES.

CHUCK, YOU ARE BOB.

IF HE IS, I'M GONNA SIT
AND GIVE HIM HELL FOR IT.
THAT'S FOR SURE.

CHUCK, FOR GOD'S SAKE,
YOU CAN'T TALK TO HIM.
YOU ARE HIM.

EVERY TIME I TRY
TO TALK TO YOU,
BOB ANSWERS, CHUCK.

HELLO THERE.
I'M GREGORY GRAPEFRUIT.

WHAT'S THE MATTER,
JODIE, YOU LOOK UPSET.

I-I-I'D LIKE TO TALK
TO CHUCK.

OH, WELL, HOW
'BOUT TALKIN' TO ME?

I EAT AND SLEEP,
JUST LIKE BOB.

NO, NO. I UNDERSTAND IT
ALL...

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
I'M HAVING A CONVERSATION
WITH A GRAPEFRUIT, HERE.

CHUCK, LOOK CHUCK.
IT'S FOOD, CHUCK. SEE?

WATCH, IT'S JUST FOOD.

CHUCK, IF YOU'RE JOKING,
CUT IT OUT.

I JUST WOULD LIKE
TO TALK TO YOU.

OLE!

AS ONE FRUIT
TO ANOTHER...

UH, CHUCK!

CHUCK.

LOOK, IT'S FOOD, SEE?
IT'S FOOD, CHUCK.

YOU NEED HELP, CHUCK.

HELLO, THERE.
I'M AN ENGLISH MUFFIN.

CHUCK, NO, NO, NO, CHUCK.
SEE? IT'S FOOD.

SEE CHUCK, IT'S FOOD,
CHUCK.

YOU REALLY SHOULD
SEE A DOCTOR, CHUCK.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, CHUCK,
LISTEN TO ME, WOULD YA?

GOOD MORNING.
GOOD MORNING.

NOBODY WEARS
A WINDSOR KNOT ANYMORE.

I'M GONNA HEAT UP
SOME BAGELS. ANYBODY
WANT ONE?

NO, THANKS.

I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER,
CHUCK.

I LOVE BAGELS.
LOVE THEM!

EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE
ONE OF MANKIND'S
MOST DANGEROUS FOODS.

WHICH IS SOMETHING
MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW.

FOR INSTANCE, THERE IS
ABSOLUTELY NO SAFE WAY
TO SLICE A BAGEL.

HMM?

EXCEPT, MAYBE YOU GET
SOMEBODY TO DO IT FOR YOU.

I MEAN, YOU HAVE NO IDEA
HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE SLICED

AN INDEX FINGER IN HALF,
ALONG WITH A BAGEL.

HEY, YOU GO TO ANY SYNAGOGUE.

I MEAN,
YOU'LL SEE THE MAJORITY
OF THE CONGREGATION

HAS A FINGER MISSING.

THEN, OF COURSE,
THERE'S BEING ELECTROCUTED.

HMM?

YOU PUT A BAGEL
IN A TOASTER, RIGHT?

MMM-HMM.
ONE HALF'S ALWAYS
A LITTLE TOO FAT.

MMM-HMM.

YOU SQUEEZE IT.
YOU PUSH IT IN ANYWAY.

RIGHT. IT WON'T COME UP.
IT STARTS TO SMOKE.

YOU STICK A KNIFE IN
TO GET IT OUT,

THE LIGHTS GO OUT IN TOWN,
AND YOU DO A JIG.

WHICH IS WHY
I ALWAYS USE THE OVEN.

MMM-HMM.
AND A LOT OF BUTTER.

HOW 'BOUT SOME
BUTTER, HERE.

HERE WE GO.

OH, MY GOD!

YOU'RE SICK, YOU KNOW THAT?
YOU'RE REALLY SICK.

I COULD HAVE FROZEN IN THERE.
YOU COULD HAVE KILLED ME.

YOU KNOW, I WOULDN'T
BE SURPRISED IF YOU
KILLED PETER,

YEAH. YOU TRIED TO KILL CHUCK,
FREEZE ME...

YOU'RE SICK,
YOU KNOW THAT.

YOU KNOW THAT
LITTLE LIGHT STAYS ON.

DOES IT?
YEAH.

WHAT TIME TONIGHT?

UH, NOT TONIGHT, ELAINE.

WHAT TIME?

ELAINE, I SAID NOT TONIGHT.

I'LL BE READY AT 8:00.

UH, ELAINE, I THINK
IT'S TIME WE HAD A TALK.

OH, PLEASE DON'T.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT ONE
OF YOUR STRONG POINTS.

LISTEN, ELAINE, UH...

YOU'RE A VERY NICE PERSON,

WITH A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT
OF, UH, STAMINA.

AND I REALLY APPRECIATE
YOUR SAVING MY LIFE,
AND EVERYTHING,

BUT I THINK THAT WE SHOULDN'T
SEE EACH OTHER ANYMORE.

REALLY?

YES.

YOU SEE, THE TRUTH IS,
I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU.

AND I'M NEVER GONNA BE
IN LOVE WITH YOU.

SO, WHY CONTINUE?

I MEAN, YOU DON'T WANT
A GUY AROUND

JUST BECAUSE YOU SAVED
HIS LIFE AND HE'S GRATEFUL.

PLUS WHICH, YOU'RE KILLING
ME PHYSICALLY.

AND THAT'S ALL I WANT TO SAY.

FINE.

I'LL SEE YOU AT 8:00.

UH-HUH...

ELAINE, DIDN'T YOU HEAR
WHAT I JUST SAID?
IT'S OVER.

I HEARD. I HEARD.

AND IT'S NOT OVER.
I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT.

ELAINE, UH, YOU WON'T
BE SEEING ME TONIGHT.

TONIGHT,
OR ANY OTHER NIGHT.

FINE.

THEN I'LL GO TELL DADDY
TO KILL YOU.

THAT'S TAKING IT WELL.

LISTEN, ELAINE,
COME ON.

YOU'RE NOT IN LOVE
WITH ME.

WHY DO YOU
WANT ME AROUND?

YOU'RE CUTE,
YOU'RE TERRIFIC IN BED,

AND AS LONG AS
YOU DON'T OPEN YOUR MOUTH,

I CAN PRETEND
YOU'VE GOT A BRAIN.

SO COME AT 8:00.
WE'LL HAVE DINNER.

UH, THAT DOES IT, ELAINE.
THAT'S IT.

I AM NOT COMING BACK,
EVER. GOODBYE!

THEN MY FATHER
WILL KILL YOU.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

DANNY! HOW ARE YOU?

I'M FINE, MR. LEFKOWITZ.

SO, WHAT'S UP DANNY?

I CAME TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT ELAINE.

WELL, NO KIDDING.

I WAS JUST GONNA TALK TO YOU
ABOUT THE SAME THING.

WELL, YOU SEE,
WE'VE BEEN SEEING A LOT
OF EACH OTHER LATELY,

ELAINE AND ME. AND, UH,
WHAT IT GETS DOWN TO, IS...

I KNOW. I KNOW.

LISTEN, YOU REMEMBER
THAT LITTLE FAVOR

I SAID YOU STILL
HAD TO DO?

YEAH?

I'M NOW READY
TO TELL YOU WHAT IT IS.

YEAH?

YOU ARE TO MARRY ELAINE.

THE WEDDING WILL
TAKE PLACE NEXT MONTH.

IT WILL BE AT THE PLAZA.

OH, AT THE PLAZA.

THE INVITATIONS
GO OUT TOMORROW.

HERE'S A SAMPLE.

YOU'RE SERIOUS.

HMM? WELL, ONE THING.
I CHECKED OUT YOUR FAMILY.

SOME STRANGE GROUP,
LET ME TELL YOU.

DANNY, ABOUT YOUR BROTHER,
THE FAIGELAH...

MAKE SURE THAT THERE'S
NOT TOO MANY FRILLS
ON HIS TUXEDO.

I'VE GOT RELATIVES
DON'T UNDERSTAND THESE THINGS.

MR. LEFKOWITZ, I... I
DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND.

SEE, I DON'T LOVE
YOUR DAUGHTER.

YOU WILL.

NO, I DON'T LOVE HER,
AND I CAN'T MARRY HER.

DANNY, WHEN YOU SAID
YOU COULDN'T KILL
YOUR STEPFATHER,

WE SAID WE WERE
GONNA KILL YOU.

BUT THEN MY DAUGHTER
INTERCEDED AND
SAVED YOUR LIFE.

BUT WHEN SHE DID THAT,
I TOLD YOU,

YOU STILL OWED US A FAVOR.
WELL, THIS IS IT.

YOU EITHER MARRY MY DAUGHTER,
OR I'LL KILL YOU.
IT'S THAT SIMPLE.

MARRY ELAINE OR
I'LL BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT.

SOUNDS LOGICAL TO ME.

IS IT TOO LATE
TO KILL MY STEPFATHER?

BURT, I'M HOME.

OH, HI THERE.

WHERE ARE YOU, BURT?

I'M... I'M RIGHT HERE.
GIVE ME A HAND, WILL YA?

WHERE?

WELL, I'M RIGHT HERE.

OH, MY GOD,
YOU ARE INVISIBLE.

BURT, OH, BURT,
WHEREVER YOU ARE, I'M SORRY.

I DIDN'T KNOW.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE CRAZY.

I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU REALLY COULD DO IT.

THAT'S WHY I WAS MAKING PLANS
TO COMMIT YOU.

COMMIT ME?

YOU WERE IN THE CLOSET?

MARY, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE
IN THE CLOSET.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE,
UH, INVISIBLE.

COMMIT ME...
COM... COMMIT?

NOT COMMIT.
NOT REALLY, COMMIT.
MMM-MMM.

COMMIT.

PUT... PUT ME AWAY?

MARY, Y-YOU WANNA PUT ME AWAY.

BURT, IT'S NOT PUTTING AWAY.

IT'S... IT'S NOT LIKE
THE MOVIES. IT'S A HOSPITAL.

A REGULAR HOSPITAL. IT'S... IT'S
NOT EVEN AN INSTITUTION.

I'M LOSING IT.
OH, MARY, I'M LOSING IT.

WHAT BURT?
WHAT ARE YOU LOSING?

MY MARBLES.

IT'S LIKE, NOW.
LIKE, RIGHT NOW, MARY.

EVERYTHING GETS SO CLEAR.

I'M HERE, RIGHT?
AND YOU'RE HERE.

AND WE'RE TALKING,
AND EVERYTHING IS GOOD.

BUT I CAN'T KEEP IT THAT WAY.
IT WON'T STAY.

I TRY, MARY. I REALLY
TRY TO KEEP EVERYTHING

RIGHT THE WAY IT IS,
BUT I...

IT STARTS SLIPPING.
I-I SLIP. AND THEN I GO AWAY.

AND I CAN'T STOP IT.
I TRY, MARY. I REALLY TRY.

I... I CAN'T HELP IT.

AND THEN I'M GONE.

DARLING,

THAT'S WHY YOU NEED HELP.

YOU SEE, YOU NEED SOMEONE
TO HELP YOU NOT GO. HMM?

I'M CRAZY, MARY.

YOU'RE MARRIED
TO A CRAZY PERSON.

BURT, YOU'RE NOT CRAZY.

YOU'RE JUST HAVING
A LITTLE NERVOUS BREAKDOWN,

IT'S MORE THAT.

NERVOUS BREAKDOWN?

MARY, A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN
IS SOMETHING YOU HAVE

WHEN YOU GAIN 5 POUNDS.

THIS IS NOT
YOUR NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

THIS IS MORE YOUR
THREE FACES OF EVE.

IT'S NOT THAT SERIOUS,
AND... AND IT'S
JUST TEMPORARY.

ACTUALLY, IT'S
"THE TWO FACES OF BURT."

AND THERE'S THIS ONE,
THE NORMAL ONE.

AND THEN THE OTHER ONE
THAT GOES AWAY.

I WONDER HOW
SHE GOT 3 FACES.

BUT DR. MEDLOW SAYS THIS IS
JUST A TEMPORARY REACTION

TO PETER'S DEATH.

YOU... YOU JUST NEED
SOME PROFESSIONAL HELP.

I'M SCARED, MARY.

I'M SO SCARED
OF LOSING YOU.

THAT CRAZY, I'M NOT.
I KNOW I COULD LOSE YOU.

YOU WON'T LOSE ME, BURT.

I'M SO SCARED

OF DISAPPEARING
INTO THAT OTHER WORLD
AND NEVER COMING BACK.

OR IF I DO COME BACK,
YOU'LL BE GONE.

YOU'LL RUN OFF
WITH SOME NICE, SENSIBLE MAN

WHO DRIVES A VOLVO
AND DOESN'T DISAPPEAR.

BURT, I WON'T BE GONE.

I'LL NEVER BE GONE.

AND DARLING,
THAT... THAT'S WHY

I WAS GOING TO COMMIT YOU.

BECAUSE I DON'T
WANT YOU TO GO

INTO THAT WORLD
AND NOT COME BACK.

I'M SCARED
OF LOSING YOU.

OH, SO THIS IS
THE JUDGE'S CHAMBERS.

YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT
IT MEANT BLOOMERS.

BLOOMERS?

YES. YOU KNOW,
UPSTAIRS, DOWNSTAIRS,

IN MY LADY'S CHAMBERS.

SO I THOUGHT
IT MEANT BLOOMERS.

THAT'S WHY I COULDN'T
UNDERSTAND

WHEN THEY TOLD US TO WAIT
FOR THE JUDGE IN HIS CHAMBERS.

FRANKLIN.

WHAT THE DEVIL
ARE YOU DOING HERE?

YOU SAID YOU
COULDN'T DEFEND HER.

WELL, I'M NOT HERE TO DEFEND.
I'M HERE TO PROSECUTE.

HE SAID HE COULDN'T
DEFEND HER, AND HE'S GOING
TO PROSECUTE HER?

HE'S NOT ALLOWED
TO DO THAT.

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

YOU TALKED TO MRS. TATE

AND DECIDED NOT
TO DEFEND HER?

RIGHT.

WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU, COUNSELOR?

YOU COULD BE DISBARRED
FOR THAT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

I'VE NEVER MET
THIS WOMAN.

OH, LAUGHTER
IS SO INFECTIOUS.

HE'S LYING.

I'VE NEVER SEEN EITHER
OF THESE PEOPLE BEFORE.

THIS IS FUN.

ARE YOU SURE YOU'VE
GOT THE RIGHT MAN?

OF COURSE,
THIS IS THE MAN.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
I'LL TELL YOU.

THAT WAS MY TWIN BROTHER.

THE LAWYER WE SAW?

WELL, WE... WE DO THIS
TO EVERYBODY ALL THE TIME.

WE... WE USED TO DRIVE THE
TEACHERS IN SCHOOL CRAZY,
YOU KNOW.

NOBODY COULD TELL US APART.

IN FACT, JUST LAST YEAR,

WE PLAYED QUITE A TRICK
ON OUR WIVES.

QUITE A TRICK.

OF COURSE, WE NEVER
TOLD THEM ABOUT IT.

SO, I GUESS THAT CLEARS UP
THIS LITTLE MYSTERY.

I MEAN, I'VE NEVER SEEN
EITHER OF YOU BEFORE
IN MY LIFE.

BUT I HAVE
SEEN YOU.

OH, REALLY?
MMM-HMM.

10 YEARS AGO,
THE, UH, THE DOBERISH CASE.

YOU KNOW, I HAD
THAT ONE ALL SEWN UP

UNTIL THE LAST DAY,
WHEN YOU CAME IN
WITH THAT SURPRISE WITNESS,

WHO I KNOW LIED
THROUGH HER TEETH.

OF COURSE,
THE JURY FELL FOR IT,
HER BEING A NUN.

I VOWED THAT I'D GET
EVEN WITH YOU, MALLU.

WELL, HERE I AM.

AND, OH, BOY, HAVE I
GOT A WINNER THIS TIME.

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT?

OH, GOD.

TAKE IT EASY, TATE.
TAKE IT EASY.

WHAT'S PAST IS PAST.

WHAT?

IT WAS ONLY $40,000.
WHAT'S $40,000?

I INVESTED IT FOR HIM,

AND LOST IT.

OH, MY GOD.

YOU MUST BE MRS. TATE.

HOW DO YOU DO,
YOUR HONOR?

WE'VE NEVER MET BEFORE,
BUT I DO KNOW YOUR WIFE.

OH, REALLY?

WELL, ACTUALLY I DON'T
KNOW HER IN THE TRUE SENSE
OF THE WORD.

YOU SEE, WHAT HAPPENED WAS,
ONE DAY I WAS DRIVING
WITH MY SISTER,

AND THIS PERSON SHOT
STRAIGHT THROUGH A STOP SIGN

AND ALMOST HIT ME, AND I SAID,
"MY GOD, WHO'S THAT MANIAC?"

AND MY SISTER SAID, "THAT'S
JUDGE PETRILLO'S WIFE."

THAT SOUNDS
LIKE MY LATE WIFE.

OH, GOD.

I SHOULD THINK
WITH SPEEDING LIKE THAT,

SHE'D BE EARLY,
NOT LATE.

OH, I AM SO SORRY,
YOUR HONOR. I HAD NO IDEA.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

WELL, HE MIGHT HAVE SAID
"MY DEAD WIFE"

OR "MY DECEASED WIFE."

BUT "LATE"?
"LATE" USUALLY MEANS
NOT ON TIME.

YOUR HONOR,
UM, IF I MAY...

THE, UH, STOCK MARKET
WAS TERRIBLE THAT YEAR.

IT WAS VERY ERRATIC.
EVERYONE LOST MONEY.

I LOST MONEY.

COME NOW, WHAT'S $40,000?

MY SON DIDN'T CARE THAT MUCH
ABOUT GOING TO COLLEGE.

REALLY.

HE'S DOING VERY NICELY
AT THE TACO STAND.

OH, GOD.

THE GRAND JURY'S COME DOWN
WITH A MURDER ONE INDICTMENT.

I WOULD CONSIDER REDUCING
THE CHARGES TO MURDER 2

WITH A PLEA OF GUILTY.

NEVER.

WELL, THEN, HOW ABOUT
REDUCING THE CHARGES

WITH A PLEA OF INSANITY,
COUNSELOR?

SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.

I THINK THE WHOLE THING'S
INSANE.

DO I LOVE THIS.
DO I LOVE THIS CASE.

YOUR HONOR,
WOULD IT BE ALL RIGHT

IF I ASK ONE QUESTION?

OF COURSE.

THERE IS SOMETHING
I'M JUST DYING TO KNOW.

WHY DO YOU WEAR
THOSE ROBES?

OH, GOD.

OH, TRADITION I EXPECT,
MRS. TATE.

I'LL BET ANYTHING,
YOU'RE HIDING
A PERFECTLY LOVELY $300 SUIT

UNDER THAT TACKY $20 ROBE.

LET ME SEE.

JESSICA...

COME ON, NOW.
LET ME SEE.

NOW, MRS. TATE...

LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'VE GOT
HIDING UNDER THERE.

MRS. TATE.
MRS. TATE. STOP IT!

ALL RIGHT.

OK, COUNSELOR, WE START
SELECTING THE JURY TOMORROW.

THANK YOU,
YOUR HONOR.
MRS. TATE.

REALLY, YOUR HONOR,
EVEN I LOST MONEY.

IT'S FORGOTTEN, TATE.
IT'S FORGOTTEN.

OH, GOOD.

AFTER ALL, MY FATHER ONLY HAD
A COUPLE OF MORE YEARS

ON THAT KIDNEY MACHINE.

HEY, HE WAS OLD.
HAD TO GO SOMETIME.

SEE ALL YOU FOLKS IN COURT.

TA!

OH, GOD.

WILL DANNY MARRY ELAINE,

OR WILL HE ASK MR. LEFKOWITZ
TO BLOW HIS BRAINS OUT?

WILL BURT ALLOW HIMSELF
TO BE COMMITTED?

AND IF HE DOES,
WILL HE ALLOW HIMSELF
TO BE SEEN?

SINCE THE JUDGE
LOST A LOT OF MONEY,

AND HE DOESN'T FIND IT FUNNY,

AND THOUGH CHESTER
SAYS HE'S SORRY,

AND THE JUDGE SAYS
NOT TO WORRY,

WILL JESSICA GET THE CHAIR,
EVEN THOUGH IT ISN'T FAIR,

BECAUSE THE JUDGE
HOLDS A GRUDGE?

THESE QUESTIONS,
AND MANY OTHERS,

WILL BE ANSWERED
ON NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE OF...

SOAP.

SOAP WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.