Soap (1977–1981): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript

After her tennis lesson, Jessica lunches with Mary, who mistakes her sister's glow for a facelift. At the office, Claire catches Chester wooing his newest mistress via telephone. Claire threatens to tell Jessica; when that fails to scare Chester, she also threatens to call the SEC. Jodie comes out of Mary's closet wearing one of her outfits and blonde wig. Mary tells Burt that Jodie wears her outfit better. . . and that is not Jodie's big surprise! Burt ran into his long lost son at a sporting goods store; he is coming to dinner that evening to meet the family. Danny has a surprise: the Godfather says he has to kill Burt in order to get out of the Mob. Benson is the only one who has fun when the Campbells gather at the Tate home for dinner. As the epithets and fists fly (and Jessica glows) Benson opens the front door and admits Burt's son, David. Jessica and Corinne are both shocked; and Jodie is titillated. Tennis, anyone?

THIS IS THE STORY
OF 2 SISTERS,

JESSICA TATE

AND MARY CAMPBELL.

JESSICA LIVES
IN A NEIGHBORHOOD
KNOWN AS RICH.

JESSICA LIKES LIFE.

THE ONLY THING ABOUT LIFE
SHE WOULD CHANGE,
IF SHE COULD,

IS THAT SHE WOULD
SET IT ALL TO MUSIC.

THE TATES HAVE MORE SECRETS
THAN THEY DO MONEY.

WE'RE APPROACHING
MARY CAMPBELL'S HOUSE.

MARY, TOO, LIKES LIFE.

UNFORTUNATELY,
LIFE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE
TOO CRAZY ABOUT HER.



AS YOU CAN SEE, THE CAMPBELLS
DON'T HAVE NEARLY
AS MUCH MONEY AS THE TATES.

THEY DO, HOWEVER,
HAVE AS MANY SECRETS.

REMEMBER THE TATES?
JESSICA AND HER HUSBAND,
CHESTER?

CHESTER'S A GUY
WHO FOOLS AROUND
WITH EVERYONE BUT HIS WIFE,

AND POOR JESSICA,
BECAUSE CHESTER'S BEEN
SO BUSY,

HAS TAKEN UP WITH PETER,
THE TENNIS PRO,

WHO IN TURN HAS BEEN BUSY
WITH JESSICA'S DAUGHTER,
CORINNE.

OF COURSE JESSICA
DOESN'T KNOW PETER'S
BEEN BUSY WITH CORINNE,

AND CHESTER'S BEEN BUSY
WITH EVERYONE.

JESSICA JUST WISHES
SHE'D GONE SHOPPING INSTEAD.

REMEMBER THE CAMPBELLS?

JESSICA'S SISTER, MARY
AND HER SECOND HUSBAND, BURT?

THE CAMPBELLS HAVE
PROBLEMS. MARY HAS 2 PROBLEMS:

HER SON, DANNY, IS IN THE MOB.



HER OTHER SON, JODIE, IS GAY.

DANNY AND BURT
HAVE A PROBLEM:
THEY DON'T GET ALONG.

JODIE AND BURT
HAVE A PROBLEM:
THEY DON'T GET ALONG EITHER.

MARY AND BURT
HAVE A PROBLEM:
BURT CAN'T MAKE LOVE TO MARY,

AND SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHY.

BURT HAS
THE BIGGEST PROBLEM OF ALL:
HE KNOWS WHY.

HE MURDERED
HER FIRST HUSBAND.

WE BEGIN
THIS WEEK'S EPISODE OF SOAP

SHORTLY AFTER
JESSICA'S "TENNIS LESSON."

MARY.

OH, I'M SO SORRY I'M LATE.
I WAS, UH, TAKING
A TENNIS LESSON.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

YOU'RE LOOKING
ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL
THESE DAYS.

REALLY? OH, THANK YOU.

YOUNGER.
YOU LOOK YOUNGER.

OH, NO.

YES. REALLY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

NOTHING.

JESSIE, YOU'RE BLUSHING.

WELL, I MEAN,
YOU'RE MAKING
SUCH A FUSS.

JESSIE, YOU DIDN'T.

NO, I DIDN'T.

YOU, DEVIL, YOU.

MARY.

YOU CAN TELL
YOUR OWN SISTER.
WHEN DID YOU DO IT?

MARY, SHH!

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT
WITHOUT TELLING ME.

MARY.
DID IT HURT?

OH, MARY, COME ON.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO,
BUT I'M AFRAID
BURT WOULD KILL ME.

HE'S VERY OLD-FASHIONED,
YOU KNOW,

IF HE KNEW
I WANTED A FACE-LIFT.

MARY, PLEASE DON'T
TELL ANYONE, PLEASE.

I SWEAR.

FACE-LIFT?

WHO DID IT?

WHAT?

THE FACE-LIFT.
WHAT FACE-LIFT?

JESSICA,
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT
HAVE A FACE-LIFT?

NOT... I NOT... NO, I DIDN'T.

THEN WHAT DID YOU
HAVE ME SWEAR TO?

I DIDN'T HAVE A FACE-LIFT.

JESSIE.

SO, MARY, UH,
HOW'RE THE... THE KIDS?

JESSIE.
MARY.

OH, JESSIE, NO.
OH, JESSIE.

OH, MARY,
IF YOU EVER TELL
A SOUL, I'LL KILL YOU.

WHO IS HE?

I CAN'T TELL
YOU THAT.

I'M YOUR SISTER.

I STILL CAN'T
TELL YOU.

I KNEW IT WAS SOMETHING.
YOU'RE GLOWING.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

MY SISTER IS HAVING AN...

MARY...

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
I MEAN, I CAN'T
GO AROUND GLOWING.

CHESTER WILL KNOW.

I CAN'T GO HOME.

JESSIE, CHESTER WON'T NOTICE.

HE HASN'T LOOKED AT YOU
SINCE YOU WERE 30.

NOW TELL ME.
WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE?

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT
CHESTER LOOKS LIKE.

NO. HIM.

OH, HIM.
UH, TALL, DARK,
VERY ATHLETIC.

HOW OLD?

I... I THINK
I NEED A DRINK.

HE'S YOUNGER.
HOW OLD IS HE?

YOUNGER.

HOW YOUNG COULD HE BE?

YOUNG.

40.

35.

30?

OH, MY GOD,
HE'S 25.

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
OF COURSE, HE'S NOT 25.

WELL, THEN.
HE'S 28.

28? THAT'S WONDERFUL.

28. NO WONDER YOU GLOW.

UH, UM, MARY, UH,

NEVER MIND.

JESSIE, YOU CAN TELL ME.

NO, YOU'D BE SHOCKED.

JESSIE, I HAVE A SON
WHO'S GAY. WHAT COULD
POSSIBLY SHOCK ME?

JODIE'S NOT GAY.

TELL ME, JESSIE.

YOU SEE, I NEVER REALIZED
THAT I WAS, UH...

A PHYSICAL PERSON.

YOU SEE?
YOU'RE SHOCKED.

I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT YOU MEAN.

YOU KNOW, PHYSICAL.

I DON'T KNOW.

I LIKE IT, MARY.

THAT'S THE SHOCKING THING?

OH, JESSIE,
YOU'RE AN ORIGINAL.

UH, MARY, I HAVE TO ASK
YOU A QUESTION.

I'M SO GLAD
YOU'RE OPEN-MINDED
ABOUT THESE...

UH, UH, WHEN YOU AND BURT,
YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU...

WE DON'T.
YOU DON'T?

NO.

SINCE WHEN?

LONG ENOUGH
FOR ME TO FORGET HOW.

OH, DEAR.

WELL, WHEN YOU DID,
DID YOU EVER FEEL LIKE...

WELL, I MEAN,
JUST FOR A FEW SECONDS.

DID YOU EVER HAVE
A STRANGE FEEL...

I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO DESCRIBE IT.

A FEELING LIKE YOU HAD
MELTED BUTTER IN YOUR VEINS
INSTEAD OF BLOOD?

MARY?

SHH, I'M REMEMBERING.

OH, THANK GOD.
I THOUGHT THERE
WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME.

MARY, WHAT HAVE I DONE?

I MEAN, IN ALL THESE YEARS,

CHESTER HAS NEVER SO MUCH
AS LOOKED AT ANOTHER WOMAN,

AND NOW I HAVE DONE THIS.

I DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE.

JESSIE, YOU'VE GOT
TO STOP DOING THIS
TO YOURSELF.

HAS IT EVER OCCURRED
TO YOU THAT CHESTER...

MIGHT HAVE BEEN UNFAITHFUL?

OH, MARY, PLEASE.
CHESTER HARDLY
EVER DOES IT WITH ME.

BUT WITH A STRANGER?
NEVER.

YES, MY LOVE, I KNOW.
IT JUST GETS
BETTER AND BETTER.

AS SOON AS I CAN, PIGEON.
I LOVE YOU.

BYE.

HERE'S YOUR COFFEE.

AH.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?
NOT ENOUGH CREAM?

WHAT IS THE MATTER
WITH YOU?

"IT JUST GETS
BETTER AND BETTER."

OH, THAT'S
REALLY SMART, CHESTER.

IT WAS REALLY
SMART TO MAKE A CALL LIKE THAT
FROM YOUR OFFICE,

WHEN I CAN SIT OUTSIDE
AND LISTEN TO IT.

I MEAN, YOU ARE REALLY SMART.

IS THAT IT? IS THAT
WHAT YOU'RE
CARRYING ON ABOUT?

DON'T BOTHER, CHESTER.

DON'T BOTHER TELLING ME
YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT
THE STOCK MARKET

WHEN YOU SAID,
"IT GETS BETTER AND BETTER."

AS A MATTER OF FACT
THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT.

TO PIGEON?

PIGEON, CHESTER?

WHO? WALTER PIDGEON?

OK, CLAIRE,
YOU CAUGHT ME. I DID IT.

I, UH, SPENT THE NIGHT
WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.

DO YOU KNOW
HOW LONG I'VE BEEN
YOUR SECRETARY, CHESTER?

SINCE I WAS 18.

AND SINCE I WAS 19
YOU'VE BEEN TELLING ME
YOU'LL LEAVE YOUR WIFE.

WELL, NOW I'M 30, CHESTER.

3 WEEKS AGO
I WAS 30 YEARS OLD.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I SENT MYSELF FLOWERS
AND SIGNED YOUR NAME.

30 YEARS OLD
AND I'M STILL WAITING
FOR YOU TO LEAVE YOUR WIFE.

ONCE.

I CHEATED ONCE.

YOU CHEATED ONCE?

THAT'S RIGHT.

WITH THIS PIGEON PERSON?

RIGHT.

TELL ME,
DO YOU CALL HER
PIGEON BECAUSE SHE COOS,

OR BECAUSE SHE'S
A CARRIER OF FILTH?

OH, CLAIRE.

YOU KNOW, CHESTER,
I'VE KNOWN ABOUT
PIGEON FOR WEEKS,

AND BEFORE THAT I KNEW
ABOUT THE BLONDE
IN SECURITIES,

THE RED-HEADED
SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR,
THE BRUNETTE IN PAYROLL.

I'VE WATCHED YOU WORK
YOUR WAY UP

THROUGH HALF THIS BUILDING,
CHESTER.

I NEVER KNEW IF YOU
WERE DOING IT BY
FLOOR OR HAIR COLOR.

THAT'S ENOUGH, CLAIRE.
I'VE HAD IT.
I HAVE HAD IT.

YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU'VE TURNED INTO?

YOU HAVE TURNED
INTO A WIFE.

YOU'RE FIRED, CLAIRE.

I'M FIRED?

THAT'S RIGHT, YOU'RE FIRED.

OH, NO, I'M NOT FIRED,
CHESTER.

YES YOU ARE.
I'M THE BOSS
AND I HAVE FIRED YOU.

WRONG, CHESTER!
I AM NOW THE BOSS.

YOU SEE, YOU FIRE ME
AND I TELL JESSICA EVERYTHING.

FINE. TELL JESSICA.
SHE'LL NEVER BELIEVE YOU.

AND THEN MAYBE
I'LL CALL THE S.E.C.

AND TELL THEM
WHAT YOU DID
WITH THE WHITNEY TRUST FUND.

THEY'LL BELIEVE YOU.

SO, CHESTER...
NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT US.

AND WHERE WE'LL
TAKE OUR VACATION

AND HOW MUCH
OF A RAISE I'M GOING TO GET.

OH, I DO NEED
A RAISE, CHESTER.

MY APARTMENT IS
MUCH TOO SMALL.

ON THE OTHER HAND,
MAYBE I SHOULDN'T RENT
A BIGGER ONE.

MAYBE WE SHOULD
BUY ME A CONDOMINIUM.

WELL, THE TAX ADVANTAGES
WOULD BE SUBSTANTIAL,

AND WITH MY EXPENSIVE TASTES,
YOU'RE GONNA NEED
ALL THE HELP YOU CAN GET.

JODIE.

JODIE, HOW MANY TIMES
DO I HAVE TO TEL YOU
TO LEAVE MY THINGS ALONE?

MOTHER.
LOOK AT THAT!

MY WIG, MY NECKLACE,
MY BEST DRESS.

OH, YOU WEAR
THAT BELTED.

I NEVER THOUGHT
OF WEARING IT BELTED.

THAT LOOKS
MUCH BETTER THAT WAY.

SURE, IT BREAKS UP
THE STRAIGHT LINE HERE,

THEN YOU JUST
BLOUSE IT SLIGHTLY
AT THE WAIST.

THAT'S MUCH MORE SLIMMING.

DEFINITELY.

JODIE, GET OUT
OF MY CLOTHES.

MOTHER.
JODIE, COME ON.

MOTHER, HOW WOULD YOU
LIKE A DAUGHTER?

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

SIT DOWN, MOM.

JODIE, JUST TELL ME.

I'M THINKING OF HAVING
A SEX-CHANGE OPERATION.

A SEX-CHANGE OPERATION.
A SEX-CHANGE OPERATION.

RIGHT.

I BETTER SIT DOWN.

BY A SEX-CHANGE OPERATION,
DO YOU MEAN...

A SEX-CHANGE OPERATION?

UH-HUH, I SPOKE
TO DR. FLETCHER TODAY,
AND HE...

I'M NOT THINKING
ABOUT WHAT I'M GONNA
TELL PEOPLE, JODIE.

I COULDN'T CARE LESS.
THE THING IS,

I JUST GOT USED
TO YOU BEING A H-HO...

HOMOSEXUAL.

I MEAN, I ALWAYS THOUGHT
YOU'D OUTGROW IT,

THAT IT WAS
JUST A PHASE.

AND NOW, WHEN I'M FINALLY
USED TO YOU BEING A...

HOMOSEXUAL.

YOU'RE GOING TO GET
A SEX-CHANGE OPERATION
AND BE A GIRL?

JODIE, FOR GOD'S SAKE,
WHAT AM I GONNA TELL PEOPLE?
OH, MY GOD.

I THINK I'M HAVING
A CEREBRAL HEMORRHAGE.
I CAN FEEL IT. RIGHT HERE.

MOTHER.

I MEAN, YOU'RE CASUALLY
GOING OUT

AND DOING THIS THING
LIKE IT WAS NOTHING.

IT... IT'S NOT LIKE
GETTING A HAIRCUT, JODIE.

A MAJOR ARTERY
JUST WENT.

FINE, IN 10 MINUTES
I'LL BE DEAD.
I WON'T HAVE TO WORRY.

MOTHER, MOM,
LISTEN TO ME, MOTHER.

MOM, I SHOULD BE A WOMAN.

I'VE ALWAYS FELT
LIKE A WOMAN.

MOM, REMEMBER
WHEN I WAS 4 YEARS OLD
AND IT WAS CHRISTMAS?

AND YOU GAVE DANNY AND ME
THOSE LITTLE PLASTIC SHAVING
KITS? REMEMBER?

REMEMBER HOW DANNY TOOK
THAT LITTLE PLASTIC RAZOR

AND STARTED TO SHAVE
HIS FACE.

I SHAVED MY LEGS, MA.

MOM, IT WAS APPARENT THEN!

MARY, MARY, WHERE ARE YOU?
WAIT'LL YOU HEAR THE NEWS.

OH, I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T
REALIZE YOU HAD COMPANY.
I JUST...

WHAT THE HELL DOES HE
THINK HE'S DOING?

HE' S NOT GOING OUT
DRESSED LIKE THAT, IS HE?

NO. NO, IT'S TOO CHILLY.
I'LL TAKE A WRAP.

BYE, BURT.

HE'S SICK.

SO AM I.
HE LOOKS BETTER
IN THAT DRESS THAN I DO.

MARY, MARY, HAVE I GOT NEWS.
GUESS WHAT HAPPENED
AN HOUR AGO.

COME ON,
JUST GUESS.

BURT, PLEASE.
I THINK I JUST HAD
A MINOR CEREBRAL HEMORRHAGE.

I CAN'T GUESS.

WELL, I WAS
IN THE SPORTING GOODS STORE
BUYING SOME TACKLE

FOR MY FISHING TRIP,
WHEN SUDDENLY I HEARD A

"MR. CAMPBELL, I HAVE
THE BALLS YOU ORDERED."

BEING MR. CAMPBELL,
AND NOT HAVING ORDERED ANY
BALLS, NATURALLY I LOOKED UP.

WHO'S STANDING THERE,
MARY? WHO?

A TRANSSEXUAL...

NO, MARY, MY SON!

MARY, MY OLDEST SON,
RIGHT THERE!

WELL, I WENT RIGHT UP
AND INTRODUCED MYSELF.

I MEAN,
IT'S BEEN 15 YEARS.
HE DIDN'T RECOGNIZE ME.

MARY, WAIT'LL YOU SEE HIM.
HE'S TERRIFIC.

OH, HE'S TALL
AND HE'S GREAT-LOOKING.

WONDERFUL,
HE CAN DATE JODIE.

HE'S GONNA MEET US
AT JESSICA'S.
WAIT'LL THEY SEE HIM.

I DON'T HAVE
ENOUGH CLASS FOR THEM?

MY SON'S GOT ENOUGH CLASS
FOR BOTH OF US. PLUS.

MY SON. MY SON.
MARY, DO YOU KNOW
HOW STRANGE IT FEELS

SAYING "MY SON"?

OH, YEAH?

WAIT'LL YOU TRY
SAYING "MY DAUGHTER."

GODFATHER?

OH, DANNY.
OVER HERE, DANNY.
COME IN, COME IN.

DANNY, I HEAR
YOU, UH,

WANNA RESIGN
FROM THE FAMILY.

YEAH.
BOY, IS IT REAL HOT
IN HERE, OR IS IT ME?

UH, DANNY...

IT'S GOOD FOR YOU, DANNY.
THIS OPENS UP YOUR PORES.

WELL, YOU KNOW,
DANNY, IF YOU LEAVE,

YOU'RE GONNA
DISAPPOINT ME, HUH?

BUT, UH, WORSE THAN
DISAPPOINTING ME,

YOU'RE GONNA
DISAPPOINT SOMEBODY ELSE,

SOMEBODY I DON'T THINK
YOU WANNA DISAPPOINT.

WHO?

YOUR DEAD FATHER.

I DON'T KNOW
WHY I COME IN HERE.
I HATE THE HEAT.

YOU... YOU KNEW
MY FATHER?

OH, VERY WELL.

DANNY, YOUR FATHER
WAS ONE OF OUR BEST SOLDIERS.

MY FATHER?

WELL, HOW DO YOU THINK
YOU GOT THIS JOB, DANNY,

WHEN YOU GOT OUT
OF THE ARMY, EH?

WE APPLY
TO THE VETERAN'S
ADMINISTRATION?

OR WE NEED PEOPLE AND
WE CALL UP THE NEW
YORK TIMES, AND SAY:

"HELLO, SEND OVER
ANOTHER HOOD?"
DANNY, USE YOUR HEAD, HUH?

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

SO, YOU SEE, DANNY.

NOW THE ONLY WAY
TO LET YOU GO IS

IF YOU HAVE JUST
AS MUCH TO LOSE
AS WE GOT TO LOSE.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU MEAN.

WELL, WE MAKE A DEAL, DANNY.
UH, YOU DO US A FAVOR,
AND WE DO YOU A FAVOR.

HEY, SURE, NAME IT.
WHAT FAVOR?

A CONTRACT.

YOU... YOU MEAN
KILL A MAN?

OH, DANNY,
A CONTRACT.

YOU WANNA CALL IT KILL,
YOU CALL IT KILL.

PERSONALLY,
I DON'T LIKE THE WORD.

WELL... WELL,
WHO WOULD IT BE?

IT WOULD BE
THE MAN WHO KILLED
YOUR FATHER.

OH, THIS IS SOME HEAT.

THE MAN WHO KILLED MY FATHER?
NO, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

MY FATHER
COMMITTED SUICIDE.

SUICIDE?
NO, HE DIDN'T.

YES, GODFATHER,
THAT'S WHAT THEY SAID.
THE AUTOPSY SHOWED THE...

THE AUTOPSY SHOWED?
OH, DANNY, PLEASE, NO.

YOUR FATHER WAS KILLED.

YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN COMING
OVER HERE FOR 23 YEARS
TO OPEN UP MY PORES.

WHAT I WANNA KNOW IS
WHAT IS SO TERRIFIC
ABOUT OPENING YOUR PORES?

WHO KILLED HIM?

I MEAN, DO PEOPLE WALK
DOWN THE STREET, THEY SAY:

"LOOK AT HIM, HOW NICE?
LOOK AT THOSE NICE
OPEN PORES."

NO.
"NICE HAT."
"NICE HAIRCUT."

THEY SAY NOTHING
ABOUT THE PORES.

WHO KILLED MY FATHER?

I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.

DANNY,
NOW, WE WILL TELL YOU

WHO KILLED YOUR FATHER
WHEN YOU AGREE TO DO THE JOB

AND NOT BEFORE, HUH?

NOW, DANNY, COME ON,
YOU KISS THE RING

BECAUSE SHELDON AND I
GOT SOME BUSINESS, OK?

OW!

BOY. THIS IS A LOT
FOR ONE DAY.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
GOODBYE, DANNY.

HE THINKS THIS IS
A LOT FOR ONE DAY?

MARRON!
WAIT UNTIL HE FINDS OUT
THE MAN HE HAS TO KILL

IS HIS OWN STEPFATHER.
BUT HE'S A NICE BOY.

HI, MRS. CAMPBELL.

HI, BENSON.
NICE TO SEE YOU.

HI.

GUESS WHAT, BENSON?
MY LONG-LOST SON,

THAT I HAVEN'T SEEN
IN 15 YEARS, IS COMING HERE
TONIGHT FOR DINNER.

WONDERFUL.
I'M THE ONE
WHO MAKES THE MEALS,

I'M THE ONE WHO SETS
THE TABLE, AND I'M ALWAYS
THE LAST ONE TO KNOW.

HELLO, DADDY.

BENSON, THIS IS ALL WRONG.
THE AVOCADO AND THE SHRIMP
SHOULD NOT BE SEPARATED.

THE SHRIMP SHOULD GO
IN THE AVOCADO.

HERE, TINKERBELL,
STUFF IT.

I'M SO NERVOUS,
MY HANDS ARE SHAKING.
I... I NEED A DRINK.

BENSON, I'LL HAVE
A VODKA WITH A TWIST.

YES, SIR.

HEY, BENSON?
COULD YOU TELL
THE TATES WE'RE HERE?

VERY WELL.

THEY'RE HERE!

HI, MOM. HI, DAD.
OH, DAD, LISTEN,
I NEED, UH, 10 BUCKS.

WHAT FOR?
I GOT A DATE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN
YOU HAVE A DATE?
YOU'RE 12 YEARS OLD.

I'M 14.

YES, HE'LL BE
15 IN OCTOBER.

THANKS, DAD.
GOOD NIGHT, MOM.

NOT TOO LATE.

DON'T WAIT UP.

ARE YOU SURE HE'S 14?

UH-HUH.
HE WAS BORN
OCTOBER 28TH, 1962.

I ALWAYS REMEMBER
THAT IT WAS OCTOBER OF '62

BECAUSE THAT WAS WHEN THE
WASHING MACHINE BROKE,

AND I HAD TO GO
TO THE LAUNDROMAT THAT WEEK,

AND I WENT INTO LABOR
BETWEEN WASH AND SPIN DRY.

OH, WHAT ARE YOU
LOOKING AT, CHESTER?

YOU. YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.

OH! UH, I-IS THAT THE GLOW
YOU NOTICED?

WELL, UH, YOU SEE,
IT'S, UH, THIS NEW,
UH, MAKE-UP

THAT I'M WEARING
THAT I'M ALLERGIC TO.

YOU SEE,
IT SORT OF GIVES OFF
THIS, UH, GLOWING EFFECT,

WHICH, OF COURSE,
IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO DO.

I-I-IT'S JUST THAT
IT'S THE ALLERGY.

UH, I... UH,
CHESTER, UH,

COULD, UH, WE GO
DOWNSTAIRS NOW?

BECAUSE, YOU SEE,
THE CAMPBELLS ARE HERE

AND THE FOOD'S GONNA GET
OVERCOOKED AND
BENSON'S GONNA HAVE A FIT.

BUT, UH, IF YOU'RE NOT, UH...

IF YOU'RE NOT READY,
I'LL JUST GO DOWN FIRST,

AND YOU COME
WHEN YOU'RE READY,

WHICH IS PROBABLY
A BETTER IDEA ANYWAY.

MY SON, MY SON.

AFTER 15 YEARS,
I'M GONNA BE WITH MY SON.

I MEAN, I'M SO NERVOUS,
I NEED... I NEED ANOTHER DRINK.

DRINK UP, CAPTAIN.

WE MOVE OUT AT DAWN.

GRAMPS, WORLD WAR II
IS OVER.

THIS WAR WILL BE OVER
WITH THE INVASION OF NO...

ASK TO BORROW
MY SCARF, CORINNE.

I DID NOT TAKE
YOUR SCARF.

I ALWAYS LEND YOU
MY THINGS, DON'T I?

LAST WEEK I LENT
YOU MY BLACK PANTS SUIT,
DIDN'T I?

OF COURSE,
IT CAME BACK WITH
AN ENTIRE LEG MISSING

BUT DID I COMPLAIN?

YOU WANT YOUR SCARF?
TAKE A LOOK OVER THERE.

YOU THIEVING LITTLE FRUIT!

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

MY BROTHER
IS NOT A FRUIT.

HE'S A PRACTICAL JOKER
WITH A WONDERFUL
SENSE OF HUMOR.

DANNY, PUT HER DOWN.
SHE'S A GIRL.

CHILDREN, CHILDREN,
NOW LET'S NOT SQUABBLE.

STOP IT.
WE'RE A FAMILY.

YES, THAT'S RIGHT,
AND A LOVELY FAMILY, TOO.

NOW, COME ON,
EVERYBODY SIT DOWN, HUH?

COME ON, DADDY,
I WANT US ALL
TO HAVE A NICE TIME, HUH?

WE'RE ALL GOING TO HAVE
SOME LOVELY CONVERSATIONS.

MY SON IS COMING
AFTER 15 YEARS.

I'M GONNA BE
WITH MY SO...

WE KNOW, BURT, WE KNOW.
IT'S BORING ALREADY.

AUNT JESSICA,
YOU LOOK TERRIFIC TONIGHT.

NO, NO, I... I DON'T.
I... I DON'T LOOK
TERRIFIC AT ALL.

IT'S... IT'S AN ALLERGY.
I'M SICK. YES,
THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

I'M SICK, SICK.

I'M CONSIDERING
GETTING A SEX-CHANGE
OPERATION.

WOULD YOU LISTEN TO HIM?
WHAT A SENSE OF HUMOR.

HE DOESN'T NEED AN OPERATION.
HE COULD PASS NOW.

YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

TAKE YOUR HANDS
OFF MY DAUGHTER.
GET YOUR HANDS OFF HIM.

OH, MY SON.
MY SON! MY SON!

THIS IS MY JOB, TURKEY.

DAD!
PETER!

PETER?

PETER?

CORINNE?

CORINNE?

JESSICA?

MOTHER?

CORINNE?
JESSICA?

OH, MY GOD.

JESSICA?

PETER?

MOTHER?

PETER...

WILL JODIE HAVE
A SEX-CHANGE OPERATION?

WILL DANNY TAKE
THE CONTRACT

AND FIND OUT THAT BURT,
HIS STEPFATHER,
KILLED HIS FATHER?

WILL JESSICA FIND OUT
ABOUT CHESTER
AND HIS SECRETARY, CLAIRE?

WILL CHESTER FIND OUT
ABOUT JESSICA AND PETER?

WILL CORINNE FIND OUT
ABOUT JESSICA AND PETER?

WILL JESSICA FIND OUT
ABOUT CORINNE AND PETER?

WILL BURT FIND OUT?

WILL BENSON FIND OUT?

WILL BENSON CARE?

THESE QUESTIONS
AND MANY OTHERS
WILL BE ANSWERED

ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF

SOAP.