Soap (1977–1981): Season 1, Episode 18 - Episode #1.18 - full transcript

IN LAST WEEK'S EPISODE
OF SOAP,

JODIE TOLD MARY
THAT BURT NEEDS HELP

BECAUSE NOW HE
THINKS HE'S INVISIBLE.

MARY TOLD JODIE
BURT DOESN'T NEED HELP,
HE WAS JUST JOKING.

WHEREUPON BURT
ALMOST BLEW UP THE HOUSE.

MARY NOW AGREES
WITH JODIE.

MEANWHILE, AN ATTORNEY,
AFTER DEALING WITH JESSICA,

TOLD CHESTER HE COULDN'T
WIN JESSICA'S CASE

IF CHESTER WAS THE JUDGE
AND THE TATE FAMILY
WAS THE JURY.

HE TOLD CHESTER
TO PLEAD GUILTY.

CONFUSED?



YOU WON'T BE AFTER
THIS WEEK'S EPISODE OF...

THIS IS THE STORY
OF 2 SISTERS,

JESSICA TATE

AND MARY CAMPBELL.

THESE ARE THE TATES.

AND THESE ARE
THE CAMPBELLS.

AND THIS IS...

YOU SON OF A...

GO!

BOYS, BOYS.

HI, IS...

I NEVER GIVE.

UH, NO.
WHAT I WANT IS...

MONEY. YOU PEOPLE,
WHAT'S THE MATTER,



DON'T YOU HAVE
ENOUGH STAINED GLASS?

TIM.

CORINNE.

SHE KNOWS ME.
WE'RE FRIENDS.

OH, YOU'RE THAT PRIEST.

FR. TIMOTHY FLOTSKY.

WE HAVE SOME OF YOU PEOPLE
IN SWEDEN, YOU KNOW.

WELL, WE GET AROUND.

I ALWAYS HATED THEM.
SUCH AN EXCLUSIVE BUNCH.

ALWAYS GOING ON
ABOUT HEAVEN

AS IF THEY WERE THE ONLY ONES
WHO COULD GO THERE.

THE CHURCH DOESN'T
REALLY BELIEVE THAT...

CORINNE, I HAVE TO GO OUT,
SWEETHEART.

GIVE MAMA A KISS.

MMM,

I GUESS IT'S SAFE LEAVING.

THE ONLY GOOD THING
ABOUT YOU PRIESTS IS

A MOTHER DOESN'T HAVE TO WORRY
ABOUT HER DAUGHTER WITH YOU.

SO THAT'S YOUR
NEW MOTHER.

YEAH.

I LIKE THE OLD ONE BETTER.

SO, LISTEN, CORINNE,
I CAME TO SAY GOODBYE.

GOODBYE?

YES. I'M GOING AWAY
FOR A WHILE ON A RETREAT.

WHERE?

I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU.

OH, PLEASE.
I CAN COME VISIT YOU.

NO, YOU CAN'T COME VISIT.
YOU CAN'T VISIT A RETREAT.

ANYWAY, IT'S ON TOP
OF A MOUNTAIN.

SO, THERE ARE ROADS
UP MOUNTAINS.

IT'S A CANADIAN MOUNTAIN.
THERE ARE NO ROADS.

PLEASE TAKE ME
WITH YOU.

CORINNE, IT'S A RELIGIOUS
RETREAT I'M GOING ON.

IT'S FOR PRIESTS
WITH PROBLEMS.

WHAT PROBLEMS?

YOU.

ME?

YES. I THINK ABOUT YOU
ALL THE TIME.

THAT'S WONDERFUL.

NO, IT'S NOT.

I'M NOT SUPPOSED
TO BE THINKING
ABOUT YOU AT ALL.

I TOLD MY SUPERIOR
AND HE TOLD ME TO GO AWAY
AND MEDITATE.

I'M PRAYIN' IT'LL WORK.

PLEASE TAKE ME
WITH YOU, TIM.

YOU'RE ALL I HAVE.

WHAT'RE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU'VE GOT 2 FATHERS
AND 2 MOTHERS.

I HATE MY PARENTS.

WHICH ONES?

ALL OF THEM.

OH, COME ON.
YOU DON'T HATE THEM.

I DO. PLEASE
DON'T LEAVE ME, TIM.

I HAVE TO.

WELL, WHEN WILL YOU
BE BACK?

TIM?

HOPEFULLY NEVER.

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

IF IT WORKS...

IF I'M ABLE TO FORGET
ABOUT YOU, CORINNE,

THEN THEY'LL TRANSFER ME
AND MAKE ME STAY AWAY,

UNTIL YOU'RE TOO OLD
TO TEMPT ME,

AND I'M TOO OLD
TO CARE.

GOODBYE, CORINNE.

YOU MEAN I MIGHT
NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN?

OH, TIM.

OH, DON'T CRY, CORINNE.

PLEASE, I CAN'T DEAL
WITH CRYING NOW.

THAT SWEDISH LADY
TOOK ALL MY ENERGY.

JUST SAY, "GOODBYE."

TIM,

IF WE'RE NEVER GONNA
SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN,

CAN WE AT LEAST
KISS GOODBYE?

COME ON, CORINNE.
BE SERIOUS.

I'M NEVER GONNA SEE YOU AGAIN
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE

AND YOU WON'T EVEN LET ME
KISS YOU GOODBYE?

CORINNE!

PLEASE,

I'LL KISS YOU
ON THE FOREHEAD.

COME ON.

FOR ME.

CLOSE YOUR EYES.

PLEASE, GOD...

I NEED HIM
MORE THAN YOU DO.

BURT, WILL YOU
OPEN THE DOOR?

ALL RIGHT, BURT,
WE'RE GONNA PICK THE LOCK.

WE'RE GONNA DO SOME
LOCK PICKIN' NOW, BURT.

ALL RIGHT, DANNY,
DO YOUR STUFF.

HEY, I THOUGHT THIS WAS
ONE THING HE KNEW
HOW TO DO.

THIS IS
A COMPLICATED LOCK.

YEAH, SURE.

OH, WAIT.
I GOT A CREDIT CARD.

GET OUTTA HERE. YOU CAN'T OPEN
A DOOR WITH A CREDIT CARD.

EXCUSE ME.

HEY, WHAT THE HELL
DO YOU GUYS THINK
YOU'RE DOING?

THE, UH, DOOR
WAS LOCKED, BURT.

OF COURSE IT WAS LOCKED.
I'M TAKIN' A BATH.

BURT, YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE
FOR A DAY AND A HALF NOW.

OH, SO WHAT ARE
WE DOING NOW, ARE WE TIMING
PEOPLE IN THE BATHROOM?

UH, BURT, I... I THINK
MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO SEE
DR. MEDLOW.

YOU KNOW,
TALK TO HIM.

HE'S A PSYCHIATRIST.
MAYBE HE CAN HELP.

YEAH, BURT. WE THINK
THAT MAYBE YOU'RE HAVING
A SLIGHT NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
I KNOW.

I KNOW, IF YOU CAN CONVINCE
OTHER PEOPLE THAT I'M CRAZY,

THEN THE POLICE WON'T PAY
ATTENTION TO MY FINDINGS

AND THAT'LL MAKE IT SAFE
FOR THE 4 OF YOU.

NO.
BURT, COME ON.

WELL, WHAT ARE WE
HAVING HERE, A PARTY?

NO, THEY BROKE IN.

WELL, I FOR ONE AM GETTING
SICK AND TIRED OF USING
THE DOWNSTAIRS BATHROOM.

I ALMOST KILLED MYSELF
ON THE STEPS LAST NIGHT.

OK. EVERYBODY OUT.

MOM.

OUT. OUT.

SEE YA, BURT.

LET'S GO.
COME ON.

HI.

OH, MARY, THERE'S SOMETHING
VERY IMPORTANT I HAVE
TO DISCUSS WITH YOU.

GOOD.

GET IN THE TUB, PLEASE.

BECAUSE, DARLING,
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

GET IN THE TUB?

GET IN THE TUB
SO WE CAN TALK.

BURT.

I THINK YOU SHOULD
SEE SOMEONE.

I THINK YOU NEED HELP.

THAT'S WHAT I WANT
TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.
GET IN THE TUB.

DARLING,
YOU'RE NOT YOURSELF.

I'M NOT MYSELF?

NO.

YES, THEN WHO AM I?
I MEAN, WHO, MARY. WHO?

I MEAN, IF YOU THINK
I'M NOT ME,
WHO DO YOU THINK I AM?

BURT, THAT'S NOT
WHAT I MEAN.

THAT'S WHAT
YOU SAID THOUGH, MARY.

YOU SAID, "DARLING,
YOU'RE NOT YOURSELF."

SO, NATURALLY,
THAT'S WHAT I HEARD.

SO THEN I SAID,
HO, "WHO DO YOU THINK I AM?"

AND, UH, QUITE FRANKLY, MARY,
IF YOU REALLY THINK
THAT I'M SOMEBODY ELSE,

THEN I THINK YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO NEEDS A LOT OF HELP, HERE.

SO PLEASE, GET IN THE TUB
AND LET'S DO SOME TALKING.

WELL, I'LL TELL YA,

IF WE CAN'T GET HIM
OUTTA THAT BATHROOM

MAYBE WE CAN GET THAT
PSYCHIATRIST GUY TO COME OVER
AND DO A HOUSE CALL.

WELL, IF YOU WANT MY OPINION
I THINK WE OUGHT TO HAVE
HIM COMMITTED.

COMMITTED? COME ON.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT
COMMITTING SOMEBODY, CHUCK.
I LOVE IT.

FROM A MAN WHO THINKS
HIS DUMMY IS REAL.

BUT BURT, YOU'RE ALWAYS
IN THE BASEMENT.

REALLY?
YES.

AM I IN THE BASEMENT NOW?

WELL, NO.

AHA. THEREFORE, I AM NOT
ALWAYS IN THE BASEMENT.

YOU'VE BEEN IN THE BATHTUB
FOR A DAY AND A HALF.

FIRST THE BASEMENT,
NOW THE BATHTUB?

MARY, PLEASE,
MAKE UP YOUR MIND
WHAT'S TROUBLING YOU,

THE BASEMENT OR THE BATHTUB.
WAS THAT YOUR FOOT?

YES.

GOOD. BECAUSE IF IT WASN'T
THERE'S SOMEBODY ELSE
IN HERE WITH US.

DARLING, SOMETIMES
YOU SAY THINGS THAT, UH,

SOUND A LITTLE STRANGE.

LIKE WHAT?

WELL,

THAT YOU'RE INVISIBLE.

YOU DON'T THINK
I KNOW HOW STRANGE THAT IS?

YOU DO?

OF COURSE.
ARE YOU KIDDING?

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU DID.

INVISIBLE?

COME ON, MARY.
IT'S RIDICULOUS.

INVISIBLE? WHO EVER HEARD
OF ANYBODY BEING INVISIBLE?

UNLESS, OF COURSE,
YOU HAVE THE RING OF POWER.

THE RING OF POWER?

UH, MARY, PLEASE,
WATCH YOUR FEET.

BURT, DO YOU HAVE IT?

WHAT?

THIS RING OF POWER?

DON'T BE SILLY.

WELL, THAT'S A RELIEF.

BECAUSE FOR A MINUTE THERE
I THOUGHT YOU WERE TELLING ME

THAT YOU HAD THIS RING THING
THAT MADE YOU INVISIBLE.

NO, NO.

I CAN BE INVISIBLE
WITHOUT IT.

YOU THINK
YOU CAN BE INVISIBLE?

MARY, I...
IT'S THE DAMNEDEST THING.

YOU SEE, WHAT HAPPENS IS
SOMETIMES I GO INTO A ROOM

AND PEOPLE SAY,
"HI, BURT."

WELL, THEN, OF COURSE,
I KNOW I'M NOT INVISIBLE.

BUT OTHER TIMES,
I GO INTO A ROOM,

THINK PEOPLE CAN SEE ME

BUT NOBODY SAYS ANYTHING.

THOSE ARE THE TIMES
I'M INVISIBLE.

HUH?

NOW, I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO CONTROL IT YET, MARY,

BUT WHEN I CAN... WHEN I CAN
I'M GONNA BLOW THIS
INVESTIGATION WIDE OPEN.

CAN YOU IMAGINE IT?
I CAN GO ANYWHERE.

I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING,
I CAN SEE EVERYBODY,

AND NOBODY CAN SEE ME.

I WILL ALSO BE ABLE
TO GET INTO THE MOVIES FREE.

BURT,

YOU CANNOT MAKE
YOURSELF INVISIBLE.

NO?
NO.

ALL RIGHT. WATCH.

WELL,

CAN YOU SEE ME?

SEE? I TOLD YA.

BURT, YOU'RE NOT
INVISIBLE.

ALL RIGHT, WHERE AM I?

RIGHT THERE.

UH-UH, YOU KNEW
THAT BEFORE.

I CAN SEE YOU.
I CAN SEE YOU.

YOU SURE
YOU CAN SEE ME?

YES.

PFFT.

IT DOESN'T WORK
WHEN YOU'RE WET.

LISTEN, MARY,
I'LL TELL YA WHAT.

AFTER OUR BATH,
WHILE YOU'RE MAKING DINNER,

I'LL KINDA DRY OFF
AND BLOW-DRY MY HAIR

AND THEN I'LL BECOME
INVISIBLE FOR YA.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
OF THE JURY...

NO.

MEMBERS OF THE JURY...

NO.

MY FRIENDS,

SEARCH YOUR HEARTS
AND TELL ME IF YOU THINK

THIS LOVELY YOUNG WIDOW,

THIS MOTHER. LOOK AT HER.

I ASK YA TO LOOK AT HER.

ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT HER?

WELL, IF YOU ARE
LOOKIN' AT HER,

TELL ME IF YOU'RE CONVINCED
THAT SHE IS GUILTY

OF THIS HEINOUS CRIME
OF WHICH SHE'S BEEN ACCUSED.

THAT WAS MY CLARENCE DARROW-
SPENCER TRACY COMBINATION.

OH, VERY GOOD.

NOW, IN YOUR
WIFE'S CASE, TATE,

YOU'RE IN LUCK.
I LIKE IT.

YOU LIKE IT?
I LIKE IT.

OH, THAT'S TERRIFIC.
WHAT EXACTLY
DO YOU LIKE ABOUT IT?

IT'S ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE.

WHAT?

SHE'S GOT EVERYTHING
AGAINST HER.

NO ALIBI.
MURDER WEAPON. MOTIVE.

IT COULDN'T BE WORSE.

AND YOU LIKE THAT?

I LOVE IT.

IT'S A CHALLENGE.
IT EXCITES ME.

IF I LOSE I DON'T LOOK BAD
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T
EXPECT ME TO WIN.

IF I WIN, I'M A HERO.

AH, IT'S TERRIFIC, TATE.
IT'S TERRIFIC.

SHE'S ALMOST AS GOOD AS DEAD.
I LOVE IT.

WELL, I'M, UH, FLATTERED,
I GUESS.

WELL, WE'LL ARRANGE
TO MEET HER THE DAY
AFTER TOMORROW...

DON'T YOU THINK
WE SHOULD DISCUSS YOUR FEE?
I... I HEAR THAT...

I HATE TO TALK MONEY, TATE.
I HATE IT.

I SEE.

WELL, PERHAPS YOU COULD,
UH, WRITE IT DOWN ON
A PIECE OF PAPER.

A BALLPARK FIGURE.
JUST TO GIVE ME AN ESTIMATE.

THAT'S YOUR FEE?

THAT'S IT.

YOU COULD BUY
A SMALL NATION WITH THIS.

I DON'T HAVE TO RECITE
MY RECORD TO YOU, DO I, TATE?

YOU REMEMBER
THE ROBINSON CASE?

SHE WAS SEEN
PULLING THE TRIGGER.

THERE WERE PICTURES
OF HER CHUCKLING
OVER THE DEAD BODY.

REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED?

I NOT ONLY GOT HER OFF,
I GOT HER DAMAGES
FROM HIS ESTATE.

I KNOW THAT YOU'RE THE BEST.
I MEAN, I KNOW THAT.

THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.

UH... UH, IT'S JUST THAT, UH,

YOU SEE, I'VE HAD TO MORTGAGE
THE HOUSE TO RAISE THE BAIL
FOR JESSICA AND, UH,

WELL, THINGS ARE KIND
OF TIGHT RIGHT NOW.

IT'S OK, TATE.
I UNDERSTAND.

THERE ARE OTHER LAWYERS.
I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE.

I'M THE BEST
BUT I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE.

SO, IF YOUR WIFE ISN'T WORTH
THE ADDITIONAL MONEY, IT'S...

I COULD GIVE YOU A CHECK
FOR PART OF IT NOW

AND THEN IN A FEW DAYS
I COULD GIVE YOU THE...

FORGET IT. A HANDSHAKE
IS ENOUGH FOR ME. I TRUST YOU.

THANK YOU.

BECAUSE IF YOU EVER
DECIDE NOT TO PAY,
I'LL SEE THAT YOUR WIFE FRIES.

AIRBUS INC. FLIGHT 137,
NONSTOP TO RIO DE JANEIRO,

NOW READY
FOR BOARDING AT GATE 42.

I AM REALLY NOT TOO CRAZY
ABOUT TAKING THIS FLIGHT.

I SAW THE PILOT
GO BY BEFORE,

AND HE WALKED DIRECTLY
INTO A PILLAR,

TIPPED HIS HAT, SAID,
"EXCUSE ME" AND GOT
ON THE PLANE.

SENORA,

NO HABLA INGLES.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN
IN ENGLISH?

SEE, I DON'T SPEAK WHATEVER
IT IS YOU'RE SPEAKING.

MRS. TATE.

OH, HELLO, BENSON.

COME ON, COME ON,
COME ON, COME ON.
WE'RE GOING HOME.

NO, BENSON, I CAN'T GO HOME.
I'M FLYING DOWN TO RIO.

IT WAS REALLY VERY NICE
OF YOU TO COME AND SEE ME OFF.

BUT I'VE GOTTA GET OUT
OF THE COUNTRY.
THEY'RE GOING TO HANG ME.

MRS. TATE,

YOU'RE WHITE AND RICH.
THEY AIN'T GONNA HANG YOU.

BENSON, I AM A FUGITIVE.

BUT YOU MUSTN'T TELL ANYBODY.
NOBODY KNOWS IT'S A SECRET.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

WELL, I READ THE NOTE
THAT YOU LEFT.

THAT NOTE WAS MEANT
FOR MR. TATE.

WELL, I...

I READ ALL
MR. TATE'S MAIL.

YOU OPEN
MR. TATE'S MAIL?

WELL, I DIDN'T SAY
I OPENED IT.
I SAID I READ IT.

YOU KNOW, YOU... YOU HOLD IT UP
TO THE LIGHT, THERE,

YOU CAN SEE
RIGHT THROUGH IT.

ISN'T THAT
A FEDERAL OFFENSE?

SO IS JUMPING BAIL.

OH, BENSON, EVERYBODY'LL
BE MUCH BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME.

I MEAN, I AM NOTHING
BUT A BURDEN.

I'LL PROBABLY LOVE RIO.

AND WHEN ALL OF THIS
MURDER BUSINESS
HAS BLOWN OVER,

I'LL COME BACK
WITH LOTS OF PRESENTS

AND TEACH EVERYONE
TO DO THE SAMBA.

AIRBUS INC. FLIGHT 137 IS IN
ITS FINAL BOARDING STAGE.

OH!

EVERYONE SHOULD BE
ON BOARD AT THIS TIME.

BYE-BYE, BENSON.

MRS. TATE,
HMM?

NOW BEFORE YOU GO
FLYING DOWN TO RIO,

I THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DO.

WHAT?

THEY KEEP THE BAIL MONEY
MR. TATE PUT UP.

THEY DO?

WHICH MEANS HE LOSES
THE HOUSE AND ALL THE SAVINGS.

SO WHILE YOU'RE DOWN THERE
ON THE CONGA LINE,

HE'S GONNA BE UP HERE ON
THE BREAD LINE.

OH, DEAR.

WELL, I GUESS
I CAN'T GO.

THAT'S RIGHT. COME ON.

BENSON, WHAT'S GOING ON?

I CAME AS SOON AS
I GOT YOUR MESSAGE.

UH-HUH.

LOOK AT THIS.

WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS?

AND IT'S ALL
YOUR SISTER'S FAULT.

BENSON, YOU TOLD ME
TO GET RIGHT OVER HERE.
IS THIS WHY?

THIS WAS ONCE
A 9 POUND SIRLOIN ROAST.

IT IS NOW
A LITTLE BLACK ROCK.

BENSON.

A DRIED UP,
LITTLE BLACK ROCK.

BENSON, WHY DID YOU TELL ME
TO COME RIGHT OVER HERE?

BECAUSE YOUR
SISTER'S CRAZY.

WHAT DID SHE DO?

I PUT A ROAST IN THE OVEN,

SHE DECIDES
SHE'S GOING TO RIO.

I HAUL HER BACK
FROM THE AIRPORT,

SHE DECIDES
SHE'S GONNA MOVE OUT
AND TAKE AN APARTMENT.

MR. TATE WILL COME HOME,
HIS WIFE WILL BE GONE,

AND HE'LL HAVE A LITTLE
BLACK ROCK FOR DINNER.

JESSICA, WHERE
ARE YOU GOING?

OH, MARY, I-I'M GOING
TO RENT A SMALL APARTMENT.

PROBABLY NEAR
THE COURTHOUSE,

AS THAT'S WHERE
I'LL DOUBTLESS BE SPENDING
A GREAT DEAL OF MY TIME.

WHY IN THE WORLD
ARE YOU DOING THIS?

OH, MARY,
LET'S FACE IT.

BEING A SUSPECTED MURDERESS,

I AM NOTHING
BUT A BURDEN TO CHESTER,

AND AN EMBARRASSMENT
TO THE ENTIRE FAMILY.

NOW, IF I WERE NEEDED HERE,
THAT WOULD BE ONE THING.

I MEAN, I WOULD STILL
BE A BURDEN AND A STIGMA,

BUT I WOULD BE
A NEEDED ONE.

AS IT IS,
I'M NOT NEEDED, MARY.

NO ONE WOULD EVEN NOTICE
IF I WERE GONE.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
OF COURSE YOU'RE NEEDED.

NO, I AM NOT, MARY.

YOU'RE NEEDED MUCH MORE
THAN I AM.

DON'T BE SILLY.
I AM NOT.

MARY, PLEASE, YOU ARE.

YOUR HUSBAND'S
GOING CRAZY.

HE... HE NEEDS YOU
TO LOOK AFTER HIM.

AND JODIE JUST VERY RECENTLY
TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE.

HE NEEDS TO BE WATCHED.
SOMEBODY WAS TRYING
TO MURDER DANNY,

SO HE NEEDS PROTECTION.
SEE? YOU HAVE ALL OF THAT.

WHAT HAVE I GOT?
I MEAN, MY CHILDREN
ARE NEVER HOME,

SO I DON'T NEED
TO TAKE CARE OF THEM.

BENSON TAKES CARE
OF THE HOUSE.

THE GARDENER TAKES CARE
OF THE ROSES.

THERE'S NOTHING
FOR ME TO DO.

I MEAN, I DID TRY TO DO
HOSPITAL WORK, VOLUNTEER,

BUT THEY ASKED ME TO LEAVE
BECAUSE I CRIED SO MUCH

IT WAS VERY DEPRESSING
FOR THE PATIENTS.

SEE, MARY,

I'M A COMPLETELY
UNNECESSARY PERSON.

I'M...

I'M LIKE EUNICE'S
RAGGEDY ANN DOLL
THAT SITS ON HER BED...

OLD AND KIND OF WORN OUT.

AND NOBODY EVEN LOOKS
AT IT ANY MORE.

BUT NOBODY HAS THE HEART
TO THROW IT AWAY

BECAUSE,

WELL, IT'S...

IT'S JUST BEEN THERE
SO LONG.

JESSIE,

WE LOVE YOU.

PEOPLE AREN'T NEEDED
BECAUSE OF WHAT
THEY DO FOR YOU...

THEY ARE NEEDED
BECAUSE OF THE WAY
THEY MAKE YOU FEEL.

AND WE LOVE YOU, JESS.

WE ALL LOVE YOU.

WHAT COULD BE A MORE
IMPORTANT REASON
FOR BEING NEEDED THAN THAT?

LOVE?

I NEED YOU, JESS.

COULDN'T GET THROUGH
HALF MY DAYS WITHOUT YOU.

REALLY, MARY?

I SWEAR, I SWEAR.

OH, OH, MARY.

BENSON, GUESS WHAT?

WHAT?

I'M STAYING.

WONDERFUL.

YOU KNOW,
I WAS THINKING, BENSON,

PERHAPS I COULD BE
MORE OF A HELP TO YOU,

A-A-AROUND THE KITCHEN,
FOR INSTANCE.

NOW, TAKE THAT ROAST,
FOR EXAMPLE.
YOU OVERCOOKED THAT.

OK, CHESTER,
WHAT IS IT?

WHAT IS WHAT, LOVE?

THE BAD NEWS.

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

CHESTER, THE ONLY TIME
YOU EVER BRING ME HERE

IS WHEN YOU HAVE
SOMETHING AWFUL TO TELL ME

BECAUSE YOU FIGURE
HERE I WON'T SCREAM.

EAT YOUR SOUP, CLAIRE.

HOW'S THE CAR RUNNING?

I DON'T KNOW.
I HAVEN'T USED IT IN WEEKS.

YOU KNOW, I THINK
WE OUGHT TO SELL IT.

WHY?

WELL, YOU NEVER USE IT,
JUST SITS IN A GARAGE

FOR $200 A MONTH.
THAT'S A WASTE.

AND THE MONEY COULD BE
PUT TO MUCH BETTER USE, RIGHT?

RIGHT.

LIKE WHAT?

JESSICA'S BAIL.

YOU'D WANT TO SELL MY CAR
FOR JESSICA'S BAIL?

WELL, I DID BUY YOU
THE CAR, CLAIRE.

YOU NEVER USE IT.
AND THE BAIL IS UNBELIEVABLE.

EVERY LITTLE BIT HELPS.

COME ON, HON',
WHAT DO YOU SAY?

ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S MY GIRL.

SO YOU DID BRING ME HERE
FOR A REASON,
JUST LIKE I SAID.

YOU FIGURED I'D MAKE A SCENE
ABOUT SELLING THE CAR.

NO, ACTUALLY I FIGURED
YOU MAKE A SCENE
ABOUT SELLING THE APARTMENT.

WHAT?

WELL, I DID BUY IT
FOR YOU, CLAIRE.

MY APARTMENT?

CLAIRE, I HAVE TO.

THE ATTORNEY'S FEE
IS ASTRONOMICAL.

YOU'RE GOING TO SELL
MY APARTMENT?

AND WHERE AM I SUPPOSED
TO SLEEP, CHESTER,

IN THE CAR?

WELL, NO, BECAUSE
REMEMBER
I'M SELLING THAT.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

CLAIRE, JESSICA'S
IN REAL TROUBLE.

PERFECT! PERFECT!

FOR 12 YEARS I'VE BEEN
WAITING, CHESTER.
FOR 12 YEARS!

SPARE ME, CLAIRE. SPARE ME
THE 12 YEARS SPEECH.

CHESTER...

I DIDN'T HANDCUFF YOU,
CLAIRE.

YOU KNEW I WAS MARRIED.
YOU CHOSE TO WAIT.

BUT YOU PROMISED
YOU'D LEAVE HER.
YOU PROMISED.

OF COURSE, I PROMISED.
YOU WERE BLACKMAILING ME.

YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO LEAVE HER?

THAT'S RIGHT.

WELL, YOU WERE
WRONG, CHESTER.

BECAUSE BRINGING ME HERE
IS NOT GOING TO PREVENT ME
FROM MAKING A SCENE.

ARE YOU FINISHED, CLAIRE?

NOT QUITE.

BECAUSE NOW, CHESTER,
I AM GOING TO REPORT
YOUR IRREGULARITIES

TO THE SECURITIES
AND EXCHANGE COMMISSION.

PERHAPS YOU AND JESSICA
CAN SERVE TIME TOGETHER.

FINE, CLAIRE.
DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO DO.

UH, ONE MORE THING, CLAIRE.

YOU'RE FIRED.

OPERATOR,

I WANT THE NUMBER
OF THE SECURITIES AND EXCHANGE
COMMISSION, PLEASE.

WILL BURT EVER COME OUT
OF THE BATHTUB?

AND IF HE DOES,
WILL HE BE ALL WRINKLED?

WILL FATHER TIM'S
RETREAT IN CANADA

CURE HIM OF CORINNE,

OR WILL HE TAKE UP HOCKEY?

WILL CHESTER BE ABLE TO PAY

E. RONALD MALLU'S ENORMOUS
FEE FOR JESSICA'S DEFENSE?

AND NOW THAT CLAIRE
HAS CALLED THE S.E.C.,

WILL HE HAVE ANY MONEY LEFT
OVER FOR HIS OWN DEFENSE?

THESE QUESTIONS
AND MANY OTHERS

WILL BE ANSWERED ON
NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE OF

SOAP.

SOAP IS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF
A STUDIO AUDIENCE.