Soap (1977–1981): Season 1, Episode 14 - Episode #1.14 - full transcript

THIS IS THE STORY
OF 2 SISTERS,

JESSICA TATE

AND MARY CAMPBELL.

JESSICA LIVES IN
A NEIGHBORHOOD KNOWN AS RICH.

JESSICA LIKES LIFE.

THE ONLY THING ABOUT LIFE
SHE WOULD CHANGE,
IF SHE COULD,

IS THAT SHE WOULD
SET IT ALL TO MUSIC.

THE TATES HAVE MORE SECRETS
THAN THEY DO MONEY.

WE'RE APPROACHING
MARY CAMPBELL'S HOUSE.

MARY, TOO, LIKES LIFE.

UNFORTUNATELY,
LIFE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE
TOO CRAZY ABOUT HER.



AS YOU CAN SEE,

THE CAMPBELLS DON'T HAVE
NEARLY AS MUCH MONEY
AS THE TATES.

THEY DO, HOWEVER,
HAVE AS MANY SECRETS.

IN THE LAST EPISODE
OF SOAP,

CHIEF TINKLER INFORMED
THE TATES AND THE CAMPBELLS

THAT THEY ARE ALL SUSPECTS

IN THE MURDER OF
PETER CAMPBELL,

THE TENNIS PRO,
BECAUSE ALL OF THEM
HAD A MOTIVE

AND MOST OF THEM
DON'T HAVE AN ALIBI.

CHESTER, WHO KNEW JESSICA
HAD HAD AN AFFAIR,

BUT DIDN'T KNOW
WHO SHE HAD HER AFFAIR WITH,

FOUND OUT HER AFFAIR
HAD BEEN WITH PETER.

OF COURSE, BEFORE HIS DEATH.

CONFUSED?



YOU WON'T BE,
AFTER THIS WEEK'S
EPISODE OF

SOAP.

WE BEGIN THIS WEEK'S
EPISODE OF SOAP

SHORTLY AFTER CHIEF TINKLER
HAS LEFT THE STUNNED FAMILIES.

WELL, CHESTER,
I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

I MEAN, CHESTER,
TO THINK THAT

ONE OF OUR OWN RELATIVES
MIGHT BE A MURDERER.

A MURDERER.

I MEAN, I SPENT
THE WHOLE EVENING
WITH A MURDERER,

I FED DINNER
TO A MURDERER.

ACTUALLY, I MIGHT BE LIVING
IN THE SAME HOUSE

WITH A MURDERER.

CHESTER,
WHO DO YOU THINK DID IT?

WHO COULD HAVE DONE IT?

WHO CARES, JESSICA?

AFTER WHAT I LEARNED
THIS EVENING,

I COULDN'T CARE
LESS ABOUT A MURDER.

OH, WHAT DID YOU LEARN?

OH, THAT.

YES, THAT.

UH-HUH.

CHESTER, DO YOU THINK
THAT WE ARE TALKING
ABOUT THE SAME "THAT"?

I THINK SO.

UH-HUH, YOU'RE TALKING
ABOUT THAT "THAT"

THAT HAS SOMETHING
TO DO WITH ME
AND SOMEONE ELSE?

THAT'S RIGHT.

OH, THAT.

UH, YEAH, WELL, THAT IS
THE "THAT" THAT I THOUGHT
YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT.

WELL, CHESTER,
I... I DON'T SEE
WHAT THE BIG DEAL IS.

I MEAN, I TOLD YOU
I HAD HAD AN AFFAIR.

I MEAN, YOU DID KNOW
ABOUT IT.

BUT I DIDN'T
KNOW WHO, JESSICA.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHO
YOU WERE HAVING
YOUR AFFAIR WITH.

WELL, I... I SHOULD THINK
IT WOULD COME AS A RELIEF.

RELIEF?

YES. DOESN'T IT MAKE
YOU FEEL BETTER

TO KNOW THAT I HAD
AN AFFAIR WITH SOMEONE
WHO'S DEAD?

I MEAN, SOMEONE
WHO'S DEAD NOW.

I MEAN, IT SHOULD MAKE IT
MUCH EASIER, CHESTER.

YOU'LL NEVER BUMP
INTO EACH OTHER AT A PARTY.

AND YOU'LL NEVER
HAVE TO LOOK AT HIM
AND PICTURE, UH...

I ASSUMED, JESSICA,

WHEN YOU TOLD ME
YOU WERE HAVING AN AFFAIR

THAT AT LEAST,
AT THE VERY LEAST,

YOU WERE HAVING
A DIGNIFIED ONE.

BUT TO DISCOVER
THAT YOU WERE
ROBBING THE CRADLE...

I MEAN, DO YOU KNOW
HOW THAT LOOKS?

DO YOU KNOW
WHAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT THAT?

WELL, WHEN MEN DO IT THEY SAY
"CONGRATULATIONS."

THAT'S SOMETHING ELSE
ENTIRELY, JESSICA.

YOUNG GIRLS ARE
ATTRACTED TO OLDER MEN.

IT'S A KNOWN FACT.

WE CAN'T HELP IT.

YES, YOU CAN.
YOU COULD SAY NO.

HE WAS A BOY.
AN ABSOLUTE BOY.

IT MUST HAVE BEEN
WONDERFUL.

I'M SURE THE TWO OF YOU
HAD A LOT TO TALK ABOUT.

NO, WE DIDN'T.

I WOULDN'T THINK SO.

AC-ACTUALLY, THERE WAS NEVER
VERY MUCH TIME.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW IT IS KIND
OF HARD TO TALK AND...

SPARE ME.

AT THE SAME TIME.

WELL, CHESTER,
I'M SORRY.

WELL, MUST HAVE
BEEN EXCITING, HUH?

OF COURSE, A YOUNG,
GOOD LOOKING GUY.

PROBABLY KNOWS
ALL KINDS OF TRICKS

THEY'RE DOING THESE DAYS.

THEY'VE GOT ALL
THESE NEW BOOKS.

WELL, CHESTER,
IT DIDN'T LAST LONG.

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP,
WE DIDN'T HAVE BOOKS.

THERE WAS ONE WAY
TO DO IT.

CHESTER, ARE YOU JEALOUS?

I MEAN, THE GUY
HAS GOT ENERGY...

AND TRICKS.
HOW CAN YOU COMPETE?

HE GREW UP ON PENTHOUSE.

I GREW UP ON
NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC.

WHY SHOULD I KNOW
AS MUCH AS HE DOES?

CHESTER, I'M HERE.

LOOK AT ME.

I'M HERE.

OF COURSE YOU'RE HERE.
HE'S DEAD.

WELL, I WAS STILL HERE
WHEN HE WAS ALIVE.

NOW YOU KNOW HOW
I FELT ALL THOSE YEARS,
CHESTER.

YOU FELT THIS WAY?

MMM. EVERY TIME.

AND IT WAS AN AWFUL LOT
OF TIMES, CHESTER.

IT FEELS AWFUL.

I KNOW.

SOMETIMES I FELT SO AWFUL,

I THOUGHT I WAS
GOING TO THROW UP.

EXCEPT OF COURSE
I HATE TO THROW UP.

I HAVEN'T THROWN UP
SINCE 1948.

I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER
FELT LIKE THIS BEFORE.

I KNOW.

I'M SORRY, JESS.

I'M SORRY YOU EVER
HAD TO FEEL THIS WAY.

I'M REALLY SORRY.

CHESTER,

LET'S TRY

NEVER TO MAKE EACH OTHER
FEEL THIS WAY AGAIN. HMM?

THANK YOU.

BOY, IT SURE IS
QUIET AROUND HERE.

HEY, GUYS, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
DID SOMEBODY DIE?

TAKE IT EASY, BURT.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?
DON'T YOU HAVE ANY FEELINGS?
HE WAS YOUR BROTHER.

IT WASN'T MY BROTHER,
YOU IDIOT. IT WAS HIS.

DON'T CALL MY FATHER
AN IDIOT.

EXCUSE ME.

I'M SORRY, DAD.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

IT'S ALL RIGHT,
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
NO, I'M ALL RIGHT.

I'M ALL RIGHT.
I'M ALL RIGHT.

BOY, YOU NEVER KNOW
WHAT LIFE HAS
IN STORE FOR YOU.

I MEAN, YOU JUST
NEVER KNOW.

ONLY A FEW DAYS AGO,
I'M THE HAPPIEST GUY
IN THE WORLD.

AND NOW TODAY,
I COULDN'T BE SADDER.

I KNOW, DEAR.

- I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.
- MAYBE GOD LOOKED DOWN

"HEY, UH, CAMPBELL'S
TOO HAPPY. LET'S COOL
HIM DOWN. KILL HIS SON."

I DON'T KNOW,
I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THE WORLD HAS COME TO.

WHEN SOMEONE IN ONE'S
OWN FAMILY IS MURDERED

BY SOMEONE ELSE
IN SOMEONE'S OWN FAMILY.

JESSICA, PLEASE,
ENOUGH OF THIS.

NOBODY...
NOBODY KILLED ANYBODY.

OH, YEAH? WELL, SOMEBODY
BETTER TELL PETER.

THEY BURIED HIM
THE OTHER DAY.

PETER WAS STABBED,
SHOT, STRANGLED,
SUFFOCATED AND BLUDGEONED.

DO YOU SERIOUSLY THINK
THAT ONE OF US COULD'VE
DONE IT?

FOR GOD'S SAKE,
NOBODY IN THIS FAMILY

COULD SIT THROUGH
THE EXORCIST.

THAT'S RIGHT.

I JUST WONDER IF
ANY OF THE CAMPBELLS
COULD SIT THROUGH IT.

YOU KNOW, I THINK I REMEMBER

ONE OF THEM TELLING ME
THEY LOVED THAT.

NOW WHICH ONE WAS IT?

I JUST WONDER WHICH ONE
OF THE TATES DID IT.

BURT, I FIND IT
VERY DIFFICULT TO BELIEVE

THAT ONE OF THE TATES
IS A MURDERER.

OH, YOU DO,
DO YOU, HUH?

WELL, I DON'T.
IT WAS ONE OF THEM. I KNOW IT.

PROBABLY JESSICA.

SHE COULDN'T HAVE, BURT.

NOT IN A MILLION YEARS.

MARY, PLEASE, DID YOU
EVER TALK TO THAT WOMAN?

SHE'S GOT A VACUUM
CLEANER BAG UP HERE.

YOU KNOW, JESSICA
TOLD ME SHE TALKS TO FLOWERS?

LOTS OF PEOPLE DO THAT.

I TALK TO MY FERN.

YEAH, BUT DOES IT ANSWER?

WHAT?
DOES IT ANSWER?

OF COURSE NOT.

OK. JESSICA'S FLOWERS
ANSWER HER.

I MEAN, THEY... THEY... THEY
TALK BACK.

YOU'VE HEARD THEM?

NO, I...
NO, OF COURSE NOT.
SHE TOLD ME.

NOW, YOU DON'T THINK
THAT'S CRAZY?

A WOMAN WHO SAYS
HER FLOWERS TALK?

JESSICA.

IT WAS BURT.

IT WAS BURT! HE SAID
HE LOVED THE EXORCIST.

EITHER THAT OR
THE SOUND OF MUSIC.

HE... HE WAS RAVING
ABOUT ONE OF 'EM.

CHESTER, DO... DO YOU THINK
IT COULD HAVE BEEN BURT?

JESSICA, YOU KNOW
I CAN'T STAND THE MAN.

I'D BE HAPPY TO PIN
ANYTHING ON HIM.

BUT I HAVE TROUBLE BELIEVING
HE'D KILL HIS OWN SON.

MAYBE IT WAS DANNY.

WHY DANNY?

HE'S SO RUDE.

OH, I DON'T THINK
IT COULD'VE BEEN DANNY.

YOU... YOU REMEMBER THE TIME
THAT THE TREES

GOT ALL INFESTED
WITH THOSE AWFUL BIRDS,

WHAT ARE
TH-THEIR NAMES?

GRACKLES.

RIGHT, THE CRAPPLES. WELL...

GRACKLES.

RIGHT, YEAH. WELL, EVERYBODY
WANTED TO SHOOT THE BIRDS

AND DON'T YOU REMEMBER

DANNY PASSED AROUND THE
PETITION AND SAVED THE BIRDS.

SO I DON'T THINK
IT COULD'VE BEEN DANNY.

MAYBE IT WAS JODIE.

JODIE? PLEASE, THE MAN
COULDN'T EVEN KILL HIMSELF.

I THINK
IT WAS CHESTER.

COME ON. CHESTER
WOULD BE AFRAID
OF STAINING HIS CLOTHES.

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.
I THINK BOB'S RIGHT.

YEAH, SURE.
THAT'S IT.

CHESTER.
CHESTER. THAT'S IT.

RIGHT.
CHESTER DID IT.

MAYBE IT WAS JODIE.

YOU KNOW HOW
JEALOUS HE GETS.

GOD KNOWS, PETER WAS
HAVING AN AFFAIR

WITH ENOUGH MEMBERS
OF THIS FAMILY.

I'M GLAD YOU SAID IT.

I THINK IT WAS
CORINNE.

NO WAY.

WHAT, NO WAY?

SHE HAD A MOTIVE.
SHE WAS LIVING WITH HIM.
SHE WAS JEALOUS.

CORINNE DID IT.
CORINNE'S THE ONE.

WELL, IF IT WASN'T ANY
ONE OF THE CAMPBELLS,

THEN IT WAS ONE OF US.

PLEASE, CORINNE.

SHE IS RIGHT.
THE CHIEF OF POLICE SAID
THAT IT WAS SOMEONE

IN EITHER FAMILY
AND WE'RE ALL SUSPECTS.

WE ARE NOT.

YES, WE ARE.

YOU ARE A SUSPECT.
I AM A SUSPECT.

SO IS CORINNE.
AND... AND SO IS EUNICE.

SO IS BENSON.
I MEAN, IT'S AMAZING.

HERE WE ARE,
ALL 5 PERFECTLY NICE PEOPLE,

ENJOYING BREAKFAST...

WELL, ACTUALLY 4,
BECAUSE BENSON'S NOT EATING.

BUT I MEAN, CHESTER,
HERE WE ARE
5 PERFECTLY NICE PEOPLE

AND OUT OF THESE 5 PERFECTLY
NICE PEOPLE ONE OF US
IS PROBABLY A KILLER.

I MEAN, A RUTHLESS,
COLD-BLOODED,

DANGEROUS, HOMICIDAL,
LUNATIC, MANIAC KILLER,

WHO, NATURALLY, IS
VERY CLEVERLY DISGUISED
AS A NICE PERSON.

JESSICA, PLEASE.
ENOUGH OF THIS.

FOR THE LAST TIME,
NO ONE KILLED...

IT'S LIKE MAGIC.

I WALK IN
AND TALKING STOPS.

WELL, DON'T WORRY,
I'M NOT STAYING.

I'M LATE FOR SCHOOL.
I'LL JUST GRAB MY JUICE
AND BE ON MY WAY.

DAD, THAT LAST WORD IN
YOUR SENTENCE WAS "KILLED."

GO.

KILLED PETER.

NO ONE COULD DO IT.
NO ONE WOULD DO IT.

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

YOUNG,

GOOD LOOKING,

VIRILE...

THAT'D DRIVE YOU CRAZY.

SHUT UP, BENSON.

WELL, NOW, CHESTER,
HE DOES HAVE A POINT.

I MEAN, IF WE EXAMINE IT,
YOU DID HAVE A MOTIVE.

OH, REALLY?
AND I SUPPOSE YOU DIDN'T?

COME ON, DADDY. MOTHER?

I'M NOT SAYING
SHE DID IT, CORINNE.

WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT MOTIVES HERE.

IT'S RIDICULOUS
TO TALK ABOUT MOTIVES.

I MEAN, IF WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT MOTIVES,
CORINNE HAD A MOTIVE.

OH, EUNICE, PLEASE.

WELL, IT'S TRUE.
YOU NEVER HEARD THE TERM,
"CRIME OF PASSION"?

I HAVE.
CRIME OF PASSION.

OH, IT'S SUCH
A BEAUTIFUL EXPRESSION.

I ALWAYS WANTED
SOMEONE TO COMMIT

A CRIME OF PASSION
OVER ME.

CHESTER, WOULD YOU HAVE
EVER KILLED FOR ME?

YOU CAN BUILD A CASE
AGAINST ANYBODY,

EVEN EUNICE.

OH, COME ON, CORINNE.

WELL, HOW DO WE KNOW
YOU WEREN'T SLEEPING WITH HIM?

EVERYBODY ELSE WAS.

THAT'S ENOUGH.
I'VE HAD IT.

NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE
EVER KILLED ANYONE.

WELL, I GUESS THAT
ELIMINATES ALL THE TATES.

YEAH, WHICH LEAVES US.
MAYBE IT WAS BURT.

I'M GONNA KILL HIM!
I'M GONNA KILL HIM!

I'LL RIP HIS
LITTLE TONGUE OUT.

BURT, WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO?

STRANGLE A DUMMY?

AND WHAT AM I?

YOUR NEXT VICTIM?

WHAT?

YOU HEARD ME. HOW DO I KNOW
IT WASN'T YOU?

BURT.

OR YOU.

BURT,
DON'T SAY THAT!

SURE I CAN, KID.

YOU'RE BOTH SUSPECTS.
YOU HEARD TINKLER.

BURT, COME ON.

IT COULD HAVE
BEEN JEALOUSY.

WHAT WAS THERE
TO BE JEALOUS OF?
HE WAS AN IDIOT.

YOU'RE CALLING
MY DEAD SON AN IDIOT?

OH, I'M SORRY.

A DEAD IDIOT.

DAD! DAD!

BURT!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

SO YOU ARE
A SUPPORTER OF THE E.R.A.?

OH, YES.

TELL ME, CONGRESSMAN,
RUMOR HAS IT

THAT YOUR SENATE CAMPAIGN
IS ONLY A STEPPING STONE

ON YOUR WAY
TO THE PRESIDENCY.
IS THAT TRUE?

I'M NOT PLANNING
THAT FAR AHEAD.

IT'S TRUE.

WAITRESS.

MARILYN, MARILYN,
DON'T YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD
ENOUGH TO DRINK?

NO!

CHERYL, GRETCHEN,
WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS...

EXCUSE ME.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

MARILYN,
THAT'S ENOUGH.

DEAR, I'M SORRY
TO INTERRUPT YOUR EFFORTS

TO FIND A BED FOR TONIGHT
BUT I'D LIKE A MARTINI.

MARILYN, THIS HAS
GOT TO STOP.

FINE. YOU'RE A CONGRESSMAN.

GO LOBBY.

GOD!

OH, I LOVE YOU.

I CAN'T STAND
BEING WITHOUT YOU.

OH, WALTER,
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

UH, MOVE BACK
A LITTLE.

WALTER, I'M AFRAID
I'M IN TROUBLE.

OH, MY GOD!
HOW MANY WEEKS?

NO, NO, NO, THE MURDER.
PETER'S MURDER.

OH, THAT. TERRIBLE THING.

I'D LIKE ANOTHER MARTINI,
PLEASE.

AND THIS TIME, COULD YOU
PUT IT IN A COFFEE CUP?
THANK YOU.

WALTER?
HMM?

THEY'RE ASKING ME
FOR AN ALIBI

AND I DON'T HAVE ONE.

ARE YOU A SUSPECT?

YES. EVERYONE IS.

WELL, JUST TELL THEM
WHERE YOU WERE THAT NIGHT.

I WAS WITH YOU.

IN A HOTEL, IN BED.

ARE YOU REALLY
A SUSPECT?

I'LL... I'LL COME OVER
ABOUT 10:00 TONIGHT.

WHAT ABOUT MARILYN?

OH, IT'S NOON,
SHE'S ON HER 4TH MARTINI.

BY TONIGHT AT 10:00
SHE'LL BE IN A COMA.

I LOVE YOU.

YOU LEAVE FIRST.
IT COULD LOOK FUNNY
IF WE LEFT TOGETHER.

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING IN HERE?

AH, AH, WELL, DARLING,

IT'S THE BATHROOM.

WHAT DOES ONE
USUALLY DO IN HERE?

I WAS WAITING
FOR THE BATHROOM.
THE DOOR OPENED.

THEN SHE CAME OUT OF HERE,
THAT GIRL REPORTER.

YOU SAW A WOMAN COME OUT
OF THIS BATHROOM?

YES, THAT PUSHY LITTLE GIRL
WHO FOLLOWS YOU AROUND

NIGHT AND DAY.

SHE MUST REALLY BE
HARD UP.

WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE COME
5 MINUTES EARLIER.

THE PILOT WAS IN HERE,
AND ALL THE STEWARDESSES,
AND WE WERE HAVING A PARTY.

BUT I SAW HER, WALTER.

I MEAN, IT'S HARD TO MISS HER,
THE GIRL'S IN HEAT.

MARILYN, THE DRINKING
HAS TO STOP.

I MEAN, FORGET ABOUT THE FACT
YOU EMBARRASS THE HELL
OUT OF ME.

NOW YOU'RE GOING
AROUND HALLUCINATING,

SEEING PEOPLE
WALK OUT OF BATHROOMS.

MARILYN, THE... THE... THE
DRINKING HAS GOT TO STOP,

ONCE AND FOR ALL.

AND YOU SHOULD HAVE HEARD
ALL THE KIDS TALKING
IN SCHOOL TODAY.

I AM SO SICK
OF THIS MURDER.

WELL, YOU CAN IMAGINE
HOW PETER MUST HAVE FELT.

IT'S ALL WE TALK ABOUT.

THAT'S ALL ANYONE
TALKS ABOUT.

I KNOW. YESTERDAY,
ALL THE OLDER KIDS
DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I WAS ALIVE.

TODAY, THEY WOULDN'T
LEAVE ME ALONE.

I MEAN, I'M SORRY
PETER'S DEAD BUT THIS
HAS DONE A LOT FOR ME.

DID YOU TELL THEM
THAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT IT

BECAUSE THE CHIEF OF POLICE
SENT YOU FROM THE ROOM?

ARE YOU JOKING?
I MADE STUFF UP.

BILLY?

ALL THE HELP ON THE BLOCK
STARTED A POOL.

GOOD. IN THE SUMMER,
THE TROOPS CAN GO SWIMMING.

THEY'RE ALL TAKING BETS.

YOU'VE GOT MORE MONEY ON YOU
THAN ALI IN THE LAST FIGHT.

YOU WANT ME
TO GET THAT?

WOULD YOU MIND?

WELL, NOW I KNOW
HOW ELIZABETH TAYLOR
AND JACKIE ONASSIS

FEEL WALKING DOWN
THE STREET,

WITH ALL THAT STARING
AND WHISPERING.

I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY EVER GET
ANYTHING ACCOMPLISHED.

OF COURSE, IT IS
WORSE FOR THEM

BECAUSE EVERYBODY WANTS
THEIR AUTOGRAPH.

SO FAR, NOBODY'S ASKED ME
FOR MINE.

BUT IF THEY DO
I'VE DECIDED TO KEEP IT

REALLY QUITE SIMPLE,
JUST SOMETHING LIKE,

"BEST WISHES,
JESSICA TATE."

SHERLOCK HOLMES.

EVENING. I'M SORRY
TO INTERRUPT YOUR DINNER

BUT I HAVE AN IMPORTANT
ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.

OOH, IS THAT PRIME RIBS?

YE-YES.

MY FAVORITE THING
IN THIS WORLD
IS PRIME RIBS, BUT...

GOLLY-GOSH, I HAVEN'T
HAD THAT SINCE, OH,

WELL, IT MUST BE GOIN' ON
15 YEARS NOW.

TINKLER, WHAT'S
YOUR ANNOUNCEMENT?

YOU HAVEN'T HAD PRIME RIBS
FOR 15 YEARS?

WELL, YOU KNOW HOW IT IS,
THE LITTLE WOMAN...

THAT'S, UH, THAT'S MY WIFE.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH...

SHE SAYS SHE HATES TO COOK IT
FOR JUST THE TWO OF US.

THERE'S TOO MUCH LEFTOVERS.

TINKLER?

OH, YEAH?
WHAT, HUH?

WELL, YOU COULD
MAKE SANDWICHES.

NOW, THAT'S WHAT
I TOLD MY WIFE,

BUT SHE SAID WE'D HAVE
TO GO ON HAVING SANDWICHES
FOR MONTHS.

WELL, IF WORSE CAME TO WORSE,
YOU COULD GIVE SOME
TO YOUR DOGS.

UH, NO DOGS.

TINKLER, COULD YOU MAKE
THIS ANNOUNCEMENT
OF YOURS, PLEASE?

MY WIFE'S ALLERGIC.

WE'VE GOT BIRDS THOUGH.
2 PARAKEETS.

I DON'T KNOW
IF BIRDS EAT ROAST BEEF.

TINKLER,
WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I WOULDN'T MIND
A TASTE OF THAT ROAST BEEF.

YES, OF COURSE. SIT DOWN
IN EUNICE'S PLACE.
SHE'S NOT HERE.

I KNOW. EUNICE IS IN,
UH, WASHINGTON. HMM.

AH, BUT THEN, UH,
SHE'S NO LONGER A SUSPECT.

OH, CHESTER,
ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL?

BENSON, PLEASE GET
THE CHIEF OF POLICE

A PLATE OF ROAST BEEF.

NOPE.

WELL, I ELIMINATED YOU, TOO.

RARE, MEDIUM
OR WELL-DONE?

RARE, PLEASE.

TINKLER, YOU CAME TO MAKE
AN ANNOUNCEMENT. WHAT IS IT?

OH, YEAH, RIGHT.

I, UH, I'VE COME TO MAKE
AN ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT
THE, UH... THE INVESTIGATION.

MMM-HMM?

OH, THAT LOOKS GOOD.

YOU CAME TO MAKE
AN ANNOUNCEMENT.

RIGHT.

OH, IS THAT... IS THAT
WHAT I THINK IT IS?

HORSERADISH SAUCE.

BOY, DO I LOVE
HORSERADISH SAUCE.

TINKLER, ARE YOU GOING
TO TELL US OR ARE YOU
GOING TO MOVE IN?

OH, YEAH...

RIGHT, WELL, UH,
WE'VE, UH, WE'VE NARROWED
DOWN THE LEADS AND, UH,

WE'VE MADE
SOME CONCLUSIONS,

AND, UH, WOULD YOU PASS
THE SALT, PLEASE?

YOUR CONCLUSIONS, TINKLER.

OH, IT'S WONDERFUL.
MARVELOUS, WONDERFUL.

THANK YOU.

YES, WE'VE, UH,
WE'VE ELIMINATED BENSON.

WE'VE ELIMINATED EUNICE
AND WE'VE ELIMINATED, UH...

OH, MY!

IS... IS... IS THAT
SWEET POTATO PUDDING?

THAT'S RIGHT.

OH, MY GOD...

MY GRANDMOTHER
USED TO MAKE THAT.

OH!

GO ON, TINKLER.

DON'T MIND IF I DO.

WOULD YOU PLEASE TELL US
WHY YOU CAME HERE?

UH, BUT THE, UH,
THE YOUNGSTER, UH...
HMM? HMM?

BILLY?

OK. FINE.
I'M LEAVING.

IT'S A WONDER I EVER LEARNED
THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

I'LL BE IN MY ROOM
PLAYING WITH MY C.B.

MAYBE SOMEWHERE,

SOMEBODY IN THIS WORLD
WOULD LIKE TO TALK TO ME.

CONTINUE, TINKLER.

OH, YES, WELL,
AS I WAS SAYING,

WE'VE ELIMINATED BENSON

AND WE'VE... WE'VE
ELIMINATED EUNICE.

TINKLER, ARE YOU SAYING
THAT IT'S ONE
OF THE CAMPBELLS?

NO, NO, NO,
THE MURDERER IS STILL
IN THIS HOUSE.

WHO IS IT?

WELL, IT'S...

WHO IS IT, YOU IDIOT?

I THINK HE MEANS
WE'RE GETTING CLOSER.

WATER, WATER.

HE SAID IT'S WALTER,
CHESTER.

THERE'S NO WALTER
IN THIS HOUSE.

WATER.

NO, NO. WATER. RIGHT.
HE SAYS IT'S WATER.

WHO'S WATER,
FOR GOD'S SAKE?

IT MUST BE A CLUE.

OH, UH,

LIVES NEAR WATER?

SOUNDS LIKE WATER?

OH, I'VE GOT IT.

HE NEEDS WATER
TO DRINK, RIGHT?

IT'S A PERSON
WHO DRINKS WATER?

IT'S A PERSON WHO, UH,
DOESN'T DRINK WATER?

NO, IT'S CORINNE.

CORINNE?

CORINNE TATE,
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST

FOR THE MURDER
OF PETER CAMPBELL.

MA?

WILL CHESTER AND JESSICA
REALLY STOP FOOLING AROUND

WITH OTHER PEOPLE,

AND ACTUALLY START
FOOLING AROUND
WITH EACH OTHER?

WILL MRS. McCALLUM
FIND OUT HER HUSBAND

IS GIVING MORE THAN
JUST AN INTERVIEW
TO EUNICE?

WILL THE AIRLINES INCREASE
THE SIZE OF THEIR BATHROOMS

TO ACCOMMODATE
LARGER PARTIES?

WILL CORINNE BE JAILED,
TRIED, AND CONVICTED

FOR THE MURDER OF PETER?

WILL THE TATES EVER INVITE

CHIEF TINKLER
TO A ROAST BEEF DINNER AGAIN?

THESE QUESTIONS,
AND MANY OTHERS,

WILL BE ANSWERED
ON NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE
OF

SOAP.

SOAP IS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF
A STUDIO AUDIENCE.