Soap (1977–1981): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript
In the pilot of this TV soap opera spoof, we meet the two families of sisters Jessica Tate and May Campbell. Jessica lives in her home with her adulterous husband Chester and doesn't accept anyone's implications of his infidelity. Daughter Eunice is dating a married Senator; her sister Corinne sleeps around. Jessica's dad, the Major, is still in World War II in his mind, and young Billy's discovering girls. Benson the butler thinks they're all crazy. Homemaker Mary has been widowed and is now married to her second husband, Burt. Burt is in construction and he and Mary's son Danny loathe each other. Danny's brother Jodie is gay, which Danny laughs off. Essentially, they all have many secrets with which to deal.
THIS IS
THE STORY OF 2 SISTERS,
JESSICA TATE
AND MARY CAMPBELL.
JESSICA LIVES IN
A NEIGHBORHOOD KNOWN
AS RICH.
JESSICA LIKES LIFE.
THE ONLY THING ABOUT LIFE
SHE WOULD CHANGE,
IF SHE COULD,
IS THAT SHE WOULD
SET IT ALL TO MUSIC.
THE TATES HAVE MORE SECRETS
THAN THEY DO MONEY.
WE'RE APPROACHING
MARY CAMPBELL'S HOUSE.
MARY, TOO, LIKES LIFE.
UNFORTUNATELY,
LIFE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE
TOO CRAZY ABOUT HER.
AS YOU CAN SEE,
THE CAMPBELLS DON'T HAVE
NEARLY AS MUCH MONEY
AS THE TATES.
THEY DO, HOWEVER,
HAVE AS MANY SECRETS.
OUR STORY BEGINS,
EARLY ONE MORNING,
IN DUNN'S RIVER, CONNECTICUT.
GOOD MORNING, BENSON.
ISN'T IT A GLORIOUS MORNING?
OH, I JUST LOVE
MORNINGS LIKE THIS.
BIRDS SING, FLOWERS GROW,
ALL'S RIGHT WITH THE...
BENSON,
WHAT ARE YOU COOKING?
WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE
I'M COOKING?
WELL...
IT LOOKS LIKE EGGS.
GOOD, THEN IT'S EGGS.
BENSON,
THE DOCTOR SAID NO EGGS.
MR. TATE'S CHOLESTEROL LEVEL
IS QUITE HIGH.
EGGS COULD KILL HIM.
HMM.
THEREFORE, WE DON'T WANT
TO COOK EGGS, DO WE?
WE DO.
BENSON, BENSON, BENSON,
WHAT AM I GOING
TO DO WITH YOU?
SUCH A MIND OF YOUR OWN.
WELL, I SUPPOSE
JUST THIS MORNING
IT WON'T HURT.
IN FACT,
LET'S MAKE SOMETHING REALLY
SPECIAL FOR THE WHOLE...
LET'S MAKE EGGS BENEDICT.
EGGS BENEDICT?
GET OUTTA HERE.
WE'LL SURPRISE EVERYONE.
I'LL HELP.
OH,
FOR THE DINNER PARTY TONIGHT,
I THINK I'D LIKE FOR YOU
TO MAKE BEEF WELLINGTON.
FORGET IT.
WHY?
I DON'T LIKE IT.
BUT IT'S VERY GOOD.
IT'S MR. TATE'S FAVORITE.
IT AIN'T MINE.
I DON'T LIKE IT,
SO I AIN'T MAKIN' IT.
I'M MAKIN' FISH.
MR. TATE HATES FISH.
I KNOW.
WELL, THEN,
W-WHY ARE YOU MAKING IT?
'CAUSE I LIKE FISH
MORE THAN
I LIKE MR. TATE.
SWEETHEART,
WE WENT OVER THIS LAST NIGHT.
I CANNOT SPEND
THE WEEKEND WITH YOU.
HOW COULD I
EXPLAIN IT TO JESSICA?
I DO WANT TO BE WITH YOU...
ALL THE TIME.
YES, MY LITTLE SWEET POTATO.
SWEET POTATO? WHAT?
NO, NO,
SWEET POTATO FUTURES
ARE MUCH TOO RISKY.
JUST STICK WITH
YOUR BLUE CHIPS.
THE... THE... THE MARKET
WILL MOVE QUITE SHARPLY.
RIGHT.
RIGHT.
GOODBYE.
CHESTER,
BUSINESS SO EARLY
IN THE MORNING?
YOU WORK TOO HARD,
DEAR.
WELL, SOMEBODY HAS TO,
THE WAY THIS FAMILY
SPENDS MONEY.
CAN'T, JESSICA.
CARBOHYDRATES.
UH, CHESTER,
I, UH, WAITED UP FOR YOU
LAST NIGHT.
I HARDLY EVER
GET TO SEE YOU ANYMORE.
I WORKED LATE.
TOLD YOU.
TILL 2:30?
DIDN'T YOU HEAR?
WHAT?
WASN'T IT ON THE NEWS?
NO.
WHAT WASN'T ON THE NEWS?
ACCIDENT.
BIG ACCIDENT
ON THE EXPRESSWAY.
HUH?
A HOG TRUCK OVERTURNED.
A HOG TRUCK?
HMM.
BIGGEST MESS
I HAVE EVER SEEN.
TRAFFIC DIDN'T MOVE
FOR HOURS.
DEAD HOGS
ALL OVER THE ROAD.
OH, MY.
UH, CHESTER, I, UH...
I KNOW IT'S MORNING
AND IT IS...
IT... IT IS LIGHT OUT
AND EVERYTHING,
BUT I...
I WAS JUST THINKING, CHESTER,
MAYBE WE COULD, UH...
SOME OTHER TIME, JESS.
I'M EXHAUSTED.
HMM?
FROM LIFTING
ALL THOSE HOGS.
LIFTING THEM?
WELL, I HAD TO, JESS.
I COULDN'T JUST
SIT THERE IN MY CAR,
AND LET
SOME OLD FARMER
MOVE 40 DEAD HOGS
OFF THE SOUTHBOUND LANE
ALL BY HIMSELF.
CHESTER,
I MEAN I JUST NEVER THOUGHT
ABOUT YOU MOVING THEM.
I HAD TO MOVE THEM,
JESS,
IF I HADN'T MOVED THEM,
UH...
THE FIRE TRUCKS COULDN'T
HAVE GOTTEN THROUGH.
FIRE TRUCKS?
RIGHT.
TO PUT OUT THE FIRE.
THE FIRE?
YES.
ON THE, UH, FUEL TRUCK
THAT OVERTURNED.
CHESTER,
A FUEL TRUCK OVERTURNED?
YES.
WHEN THE HOG TRUCK
HIT IT.
HUH?
YOU SEE,
THE HOG TRUCK
HIT THE FUEL TRUCK,
WHICH BURST INTO FLAMES.
AND IT NEEDED THE FIRE TRUCK,
WHICH COULDN'T GET THROUGH,
UNTIL I MOVED THE HOGS.
AND THAT'S WHY
I'M SO TIRED, JESSICA.
WHERE IS CORINNE?
HEY, EUNICE,
THIS IS MY ROOM.
YOUR SISTER STOLE
MY NEW LAVENDER SCARF.
SHE'S NOT
YOUR SISTER?
SHE PROBABLY
STAYED OUT ALL NIGHT AGAIN.
HEY, LISTEN,
NO AGGRAVATION, HUH?
TONIGHT I HAVE MY FIRST DATE.
I ALSO HAVE A PIMPLE.
NOW WHAT I'D LIKE
TO KNOW IS, WHY ME?
WHY NOT YOU OR ANYBODY ELSE
IN THIS CRAZY FAMILY?
EVERYONE IN THIS HOUSE
IS, IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER,
TOTALLY DEFICIENT
AS A HUMAN BEING,
AND I GET THE ZIT.
WELL, MAYBE
IT'S BECAUSE YOU HAVE
THE DIRTY MIND.
EUNICE,
BLOW IT OUT YOUR EARS.
GOOD MORNING,
MAJOR.
HI, GRAMPS.
DO YOU READ THIS FILTH?
NO, EUNICE,
I LOOK AT THE PICTURES.
HOW CAN YOU EVEN
BRING IT INTO THE HOUSE?
BECAUSE I LIKE IT,
EUNICE.
I LIKE NAKED LADIES.
I LIKE TO LOOK AT THEM.
I LIKE TO BE NEAR THEM.
AND SOMEDAY, EUNICE,
GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY,
I WOULD LIKE
TO TOUCH THEM.
YOU'RE SICK.
FINE, I'M SICK.
COMING FROM A PERSON
WHO HAS
NEVER SEEN HERSELF NUDE,
I TAKE THAT
WITH A GRAIN OF SALT.
YOU KNOW,
YOU AND CORINNE ARE
BOTH EXACTLY THE SAME.
YOU'RE BOTH PERVERTS.
GOOD MORNING,
BENSON.
HERE IT IS.
AH, BENSON,
YOU'RE TERRIFIC.
IT WORKS
FOR EVERYTHING.
DOES IT WORK FOR PIMPLES?
WELL, IT'S HARD TO SAY
'CAUSE IT'S NOT
ACTUALLY FOR PIMPLES.
YOU SEE, WE DON'T GET PIMPLES.
GOD SAID,
"I WON'T GIVE THEM PIMPLES,
I'LL JUST
SCREW UP THEIR HAIR."
THANKS A LOT, BENSON.
ONLY ONE IN THIS FAMILY
WORTH A DAMN.
YES, CAPO,
TELL GODFATHER NOT TO WORRY.
I CAN ARRANGE EVERYTHING.
MORNING.
BUONGIORNO.
WHAT ARE YOU EATING?
FRUIT LOOPS.
LISTEN, DANNY, UH,
I'VE BEEN WANTING TO
HAVE A LITTLE TALK WITH YOU.
SHOOT.
NOW, UH, I KNOW
I'M NOT YOUR FATHER...
RIGHT.
BUT I AM YOUR STEPFATHER
AND, I LIKE TO THINK,
YOUR BUDDY.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
OK, ALL RIGHT.
WE HAVEN'T BEEN
SUCH GREAT BUDDIES
UP TILL NOW,
BUT THERE'S NO REASON
WE CAN'T START.
DANNY, I'M WORRIED.
WE ALL KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
IT'S NO SECRET.
WE WEREN'T BORN YESTERDAY.
I HEAR THOSE PHONE CALLS
IN SICILIAN.
STOP.
STOP BEFORE
IT'S TOO LATE.
STOP BEFORE
SOMEBODY GETS HURT.
WELL,
I'M SURE PLENTY OF PEOPLE
GOT HURT ALREADY.
STOP BEFORE YOU GET
BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS...
REAL BLOOD,
OR MORE BLOOD,
IF YOU'VE ALREADY GOT SOME.
I DON'T KNOW, DANNY...
DANNY, LEAVE THAT
BUNCH OF ITALIAN GANGSTERS.
THERE IS NO BUNCH!
BOY, IT GETS ME MAD.
EVERYONE'S ALWAYS
PICKING ON THE ITALIANS.
ANYTIME THEY FIND
A DEAD GUY IN BROOKLYN,
RIGHT AWAY,
IT'S THE ITALIANS.
THEY FIND A BODY
IN THE TRUNK OF A CAR,
IT'S THE ITALIANS.
WELL, I'M A-SICK OF IT.
I'M A-SICK, SICK, SICK!
BUT YOU'RE NOT EVEN
ITALIAN.
DON'T TELL ME
I'M NOT ITALIAN!
YOU'RE NOT ITALIAN!
OH, YEAH?
YEAH.
LISTEN, BURT,
IF YOU DON'T
LEAVE ME ALONE,
YOU'RE GONNA
BE IN BIG TROUBLE.
OH, YEAH?
YEAH.
YEAH?
WHAT KIND OF BIG TROUBLE?
THIS KIND OF TROUBLE.
SEE THIS?
THIS IS YOUR HEAD.
OH, YEAH?
YEAH.
WATCH THIS.
THIS IS YOUR NECK.
OK.
HOW 'BOUT THIS?
THIS IS YOUR SPINE.
THESE ARE YOUR BRAINS.
AND THIS IS YOUR HEAD.
YOU ALREADY DID MY HEAD,
YOU JERK.
THIS IS YOUR HEART.
YOU THINK
YOU'RE SO TOUGH.
HOW ABOUT THIS?
THAT WAS YOUR BODY.
JODY, BREAKFAST IS READY.
BE QUIET, NOW.
IT'S YOUR MOTHER.
IF SHE DIDN'T
LOVE YOU...
IF SHE DIDN'T
LOVE YOU SO MUCH,
I SWEAR I'D KILL YOU,
BURT.
FUNNY, FUNNY STORY.
REMIND ME NEVER
TO SERVE YOU GUYS
BREAKFAST IN BED.
YEAH, SOMEBODY MUST'VE LEFT
A WINDOW OPEN LAST NIGHT
AND A CAT GOT IN.
A CAT.
OR MAYBE A MONKEY.
A MONKEY?
OH, YEAH.
THEY CAN WRECK A PLACE.
YOU EVER SEE
THEIR CAGES AT THE ZOO?
A MONKEY
IN CONNECTICUT.
IT COULD HAPPEN.
YEAH, SURE.
♪ OH, WHAT
A BEAUTIFUL MORNING ♪
HI, BIG BROTHER.
HIYA, LITTLE BROTHER.
WHY DON'T YOU OFFER HIM
SOME FRUIT LOOPS?
IT'D BE VERY APPROPRIATE.
LISTEN,
YOU ANIMAL.
I TOLD YOU BEFORE,
MY BROTHER
IS NOT A FRUIT.
HE'S A PRACTICAL JOKER,
WITH A WONDERFUL
SENSE OF HUMOR.
HE LIKES
TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH.
HEY, HEY,
THAT'S ENOUGH!
PUT YOUR FATHER DOWN.
STEPFATHER.
JUST PUT HIM DOWN.
THIS IS LIKE HAVING BREAKFAST
WITH THE MARX BROTHERS.
NOW, THIS MORNING,
I WANT SOME PEACE AND QUIET.
NOBODY CALLS ANYBODY A FRUIT,
AN ANIMAL, A JERK, ANYTHING.
WELL, I'M LATE.
I GOTTA GO CHANGE.
SO, UH, YOU WON'T HEAR
THE WORD "ANIMAL" OUTTA ME.
AND I'VE GOTTA GET
TO WORK, MOM,
SO YOU WON'T HEAR
THE WORD "FRUIT"
OUT OF HIM.
BYE.
BYE, BURT.
BYE.
BURT,
I THINK IT'S TIME
WE HAD A TALK.
ABOUT WHAT?
DARLING,
SOMETHING'S
BEEN TROUBLING YOU.
YOU... YOU JUST HAVEN'T
BEEN YOURSELF LATELY.
WELL, IT'S THE BOYS.
I DON'T THINK
WE'RE GETTING ALONG.
I KNOW YOU WANT THEM
TO LIKE YOU, BURT,
BUT THAT'S NOT THE PROBLEM.
I KNOW IT'S BEEN
ROUGH ON THEM
WHAT WITH THEIR FATHER
COMMITTING SUICIDE
AND US GETTING MARRIED,
BUT STILL I THOUGHT
THEY COULD REPLACE
MY OWN SONS.
THAT'S NOT THE PROBLEM, BURT.
THAT'S NOT IT.
ARE YOU KIDDING?
NOT SEEING MY OWN SONS
FOR 15 YEARS.
DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS?
I KNOW,
BUT THAT'S NOT IT.
15 YEARS SINCE
SHE TOOK MY KIDS
AND MOVED TO HAWAII,
BECAUSE SHE DECIDES
I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH CLASS.
SHE CAN DO BETTER.
SO SHE MOVES TO HAWAII?
THAT'S WHERE
SHE'S GONNA FIND CLASS?
FORGET ABOUT IT.
I'VE GOT NEWS FOR YOU.
YOU KNOW WHAT SHE FOUND?
A BUNCH OF SHORT, FAT GUYS
WEARING LOUD SHIRTS,
THAT'S WHAT SHE FOUND.
BURT...
SO SHE MOVES TO HAWAII.
THE MUSIC ALONE IS ENOUGH
TO KEEP YOU AWAY
FROM THAT ISLAND.
THAT'S NOT IT.
THAT'S NOT THE PROBLEM, BURT.
YOUR EX-WIFE
IS NOT THE PROBLEM.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
IT'S NOT JUST MY WIFE.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR
SISTER AND HER FAMILY?
THEY'RE NOT A PROBLEM?
THE HIGH AND MIGHTY TATES
LOOKIN' DOWN ON ME
BECAUSE I WORK WITH MY HANDS.
THAT JERK CHESTER
IN HIS TWEEDS.
A MAN WHO'LL JUMP
ON ANYTHING WITH A PULSE,
AND HE'S GOT CLASS.
AND THAT'S WHY
I'M NOT GOING THERE
FOR DINNER TONIGHT.
YOU ARE GOING THERE
FOR DINNER TONIGHT, BURT.
CHESTER AND JESSICA
ARE NOT THE PROBLEM.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO.
BUT ONLY BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU, MARY.
AND I HAVEN'T BEEN
ABLE TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU.
THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
WELL, NOW,
I'VE GIVEN YOU
ALL THE REASONS.
THOSE ARE
NOT THE REASONS.
SURE, THEY'RE THE REASONS.
I LIE IN BED TROUBLED
OVER ALL THOSE THINGS,
BURT, ALL THOSE THINGS
HAVE BEEN GOING ON
FOR A LONG TIME.
THEY'RE NOT
SUDDENLY THE REASONS.
THEY'RE NOT?
THEY'RE NOT.
I WAS SURE THEY WERE.
BURT, LISTEN.
WHEN YOU'RE
READY TO TALK,
I'LL BE HERE.
AND... AND
I'LL UNDERSTAND,
I PROMISE YOU.
I LOVE YOU...
SO THERE'S NOTHING
IN THE WORLD
SO TERRIBLE
THAT I
WOULDN'T
UNDERSTAND.
THERE'S NOTHING
YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.
I COULD TELL YOU ANYTHING
AND THERE'S NOTHING
YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.
I LOVE YOU.
HOW CAN I TELL YOU
YOUR HUSBAND DIDN'T
COMMIT SUICIDE?
THAT HE DIDN'T KILL HIMSELF?
THAT HE WAS A CRIMINAL
WHO DID TERRIBLE THINGS
AND I KILLED HIM
OUT OF LOVE FOR YOU.
HOW IN THE WORLD
CAN I TELL YOU
I KILLED YOUR HUSBAND
AND YOU'D UNDERSTAND?
WHERE ARE
BILLY AND CORINNE?
I WANT US ALL TO HAVE
BREAKFAST TOGETHER
THIS MORNING,
LIKE A REAL FAMILY.
CORINNE NEVER COMES HOME,
MOTHER.
I MEAN DOES
ANYONE EVEN KNOW
IF CORINNE IS STILL
LIVING IN THIS HOUSE?
OH, DON'T BE SILLY, DEAR.
OF COURSE SHE'S LIVING HERE.
HER MAIL COMES HERE.
GOOD MORNING, BENSON.
NO, THANK YOU.
JUST COFFEE,
BENSON.
UH, DEAR,
IT'S EGGS BENEDICT.
JESSICA, DO YOU
KNOW THE CHOLESTEROL
COUNT OF THAT?
YOU MIGHT JUST AS
WELL GET A GUN
AND PUT IT TO MY HEAD.
NOW YOU'RE TALKING.
BENSON,
DID YOU PUT SUGAR IN THIS?
IS IT SWEET?
VERY.
THEN I GUESS I DID.
BENSON, HOW MANY TIMES
DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU,
I AM A DIABETIC.
I CAN'T HAVE SUGAR.
OH, I KEEP THINKING
IT'S SALT YOU CAN'T HAVE.
I CAN'T HAVE SALT EITHER.
THERE AIN'T NO SALT IN THERE.
JUST GET ME ANOTHER CUP,
PLEASE.
AND THIS TIME
DON'T PUT ANYTHING IN IT.
HI, MOM. HI, DAD.
HI, SMILEY.
GROW UP.
BYE, DAD. BYE, MOM.
BYE, BUBBLES.
BILLY, BREAKFAST.
I CAN'T, MA.
I'M LATE FOR SCHOOL.
ANYWAY THE MAJOR'S
STILL IN THE SHOWER.
IF I LEAVE NOW,
I WON'T GET CAUGHT
IN THE CROSSFIRE.
BENSON,
IS THIS SOME KIND
OF BLACK HUMOR?
THIS CUP IS EMPTY.
YOU SAID,
"DON'T PUT ANYTHING IN IT."
JUST GIVE ME COFFEE, PLEASE.
DO YOU REALIZE
THAT BENSON HAS NOT
SAID ONE WORD TO ME
IN 12 YEARS?
WELL, DEAR,
IT'S JUST THAT YOU HAVE
SUCH DIFFERENT INTERESTS.
DAD'S SHOOTING
AT MR. KIRBY AGAIN.
REALLY, DADDY, YOU OUGHT
TO PUT THAT OLD MAN AWAY.
HE IS CRAZY.
EUNICE,
YOUR GRANDFATHER SUFFERED
A SEVERE SHOCK IN THE WAR,
BUT HE'S NOT CRAZY.
HERE WE GO, DAD.
AT EASE, MEN.
EVERYONE,
SAY GOOD MORNING
TO THE MAJOR.
GOOD MORNING, MAJOR.
AFTER BREAKFAST,
BOY,
MAYBE YOU'LL SING
A LITTLE SONG FOR ME.
UH, DADDY.
DADDY?
DEAR, WE DON'T
CALL THEM "BOY."
WHAT DO YOU CALL THEM?
"BOOGIES"?
NO, DADDY.
HIS NAME IS BENSON.
IF MY GUN HADN'T JAMMED,
I'D HAVE GOT HIM THIS TIME.
DAMN GERMAN PATROL PARTIES.
NO, IT ISN'T
THE PATROL PARTY, DAD,
IT'S OUR NEIGHBOR,
IT'S MR. KIRBY.
YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE
OUR NEIGHBOR IS A NAZI?
OF COURSE
HE'S NOT A NAZI,
HE JUST
DRIVES A MERCEDES.
COLONEL,
WHO IS THIS WOMAN?
WHAT I'D LIKE TO KNOW IS,
WHERE DOES HE GET THE BULLETS?
BABY, IT'S TIME TO GO.
YES, DADDY.
GOODBYE, DARLING.
UH, CHESTER. PLEASE,
TRY TO COME HOME
EARLY TONIGHT FOR DINNER,
MARY AND BURT
AND THE BOYS ARE COMING.
WHY ARE THEY COMING?
THAT'S WHAT I SAY,
"WHY ARE THEY COMING?"
THIS FAMILY IS BAD ENOUGH,
THEY'RE WORSE.
SHUT UP, BENSON!
AY, BOY!
SING A LITTLE SONG FOR ME.
COME ON, BOY.
♪ OH, THE SUN SHINES BRIGHT
ON MY OLD KENTUCKY HOME ♪
DADDY.
I KNOW.
NOBODY ATE ANY EGGS.
UH-HUH.
BENSON,
PERHAPS ON YOUR DAY OFF,
YOU'D LIKE
TO TAKE THEM HOME.
OH, I'D SURE
LIKE THAT, MISS TATE.
WE JUST LOVES
3 DAY OLD EGGS BENEDICT
DOWN IN THE GHETTO.
THE LITTLE CHILDREN
CAN USE THEM FOR HOCKEY PUCKS.
HI, MA.
HELLO, CORINNE.
HIYA, MAJOR.
IS IT TRUE YOU DIDN'T
COME HOME LAST NIGHT?
UH, YOUR SISTER SAID
YOU DIDN'T COME HOME.
UH, IT'S TRUE, MA.
IT'S TRUE.
WELL, WHO WERE YOU
OUT WITH?
UH, YOU DON'T
KNOW HIM.
NEITHER DO YOU.
UH, I COULDN'T HELP IT, MA.
YOU SEE THERE WAS THIS, UH...
ACCIDENT.
ANOTHER ACCIDENT?
YEAH, UH...
TURKEY TRUCK OVERTURNED
AND THERE WERE THESE TURKEYS
ALL OVER THE ROAD.
TURKEYS AND HOGS,
ALL IN ONE NIGHT.
NO HOGS, MA, JUST TURKEYS.
NO, YOUR FATHER'S
WAS HOGS.
HOGS AND TURKEYS,
MY, MY!
MUST HAVE BEEN
A TERRIBLE NIGHT
FOR THE FARMERS.
WELL, I'M GONNA
GET SOME SLEEP.
I'M WIPED OUT.
WELL, I GUESS I'LL GO
FOR MY TENNIS LESSON.
BYE.
BOOM!
OH, MY GOD,
OH, MY GOD.
HOW COULD I DO THIS
TO CHESTER?
SWEET, WONDERFUL CHESTER,
WHO THINKS I'M HERE
IMPROVING MY BACKHAND.
WHAT TIME IS IT?
OH, UH, ALMOST NOON.
I'M AFRAID
I HAVE TO GO SOON.
I HAVE TO MEET MY SISTER
FOR LUNCH.
ALL RIGHT.
OH, CHESTER,
SWEET, WONDERFUL CHESTER.
WHO'S CHESTER?
MY HUSBAND. IT WOULD KILL HIM
IF HE KNEW ABOUT THIS.
SO DON'T TELL HIM.
HE'LL KNOW.
I MEAN HE WILL TAKE ONE LOOK
AT MY FACE AND HE'LL KNOW.
I... I...
DOES MY FACE
LOOK ANY DIFFERENT TO YOU?
NO.
GOOD.
COME ON.
GOOD OL' CHESTER'S PROBABLY
BOFFED A SECRETARY OR TWO
IN HIS DAY.
"BOFFED"?
YEAH, CHESTER'S A GUY.
WHAT IS "BOFFED"?
IT'S WHA... IT'S WHAT
WE JUST DID, SWEETHEART.
OH, I... I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU CALLED IT THAT.
TO BOFF.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE
A NAME YOU'D GIVE A PUPPY.
HERE, BOFF.
HERE, BOFF.
I... I MEAN, I JUST NEVER HEARD
THAT BEFORE.
I BET CHESTER HASN'T EITHER.
YOU KNOW, WHEN CHESTER
SAYS TO ME,
"JESSICA, WHAT DID
YOU DO TODAY?"
I BET I COULD SAY TO HIM,
"OOH, I BOFFED,"
AND HE WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT.
UH, DON'T TRY IT.
UH, YOU PROBABLY DO THIS, UH,
ALL THE TIME,
BUT I'VE NEVER
DONE THIS BEFORE.
WHAT?
WELL, I MEAN, OF COURSE,
BEING MARRIED,
I HAVE DONE THIS.
BUT I MEAN, IT'S ALWAYS
BEEN WITH CHESTER.
SEE, I ALWAYS THOUGHT
IT WOULD BE
MORE OR LESS THE SAME.
BUT IT IS DIFFERENT
WITH YOU.
WELL, I MEAN, BASICALLY
IT'S THE SAME ACTIVITY.
I'VE GOT ANOTHER LESSON
AND YOU'VE GOT TO
GO MEET YOUR FRIEND FOR LUNCH.
MY SISTER.
YOUR SISTER, RIGHT.
NOT THAT DOOR.
THAT'S MY 12:30 LESSON.
THE BACK DOOR.
FOR YOUR PROTECTION, YOU KNOW.
CHESTER.
BYE.
BYE.
WHAT?
UH, THANK YOU.
DON'T MENTION IT.
CORINNE, HI!
HI.
WILL JESSICA FIND OUT
ABOUT CORINNE AND PETER?
WILL CORINNE FIND OUT
ABOUT JESSICA AND PETER?
WILL BURT TELL MARY
HE KILLED HER FIRST HUSBAND?
WILL BILLY'S ZIT DISAPPEAR
BEFORE HIS FIRST DATE?
WILL BENSON MAKE FISH?
THESE QUESTIONS
AND MANY OTHERS
WILL BE ANSWERED
ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF...
SOAP.
THE STORY OF 2 SISTERS,
JESSICA TATE
AND MARY CAMPBELL.
JESSICA LIVES IN
A NEIGHBORHOOD KNOWN
AS RICH.
JESSICA LIKES LIFE.
THE ONLY THING ABOUT LIFE
SHE WOULD CHANGE,
IF SHE COULD,
IS THAT SHE WOULD
SET IT ALL TO MUSIC.
THE TATES HAVE MORE SECRETS
THAN THEY DO MONEY.
WE'RE APPROACHING
MARY CAMPBELL'S HOUSE.
MARY, TOO, LIKES LIFE.
UNFORTUNATELY,
LIFE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE
TOO CRAZY ABOUT HER.
AS YOU CAN SEE,
THE CAMPBELLS DON'T HAVE
NEARLY AS MUCH MONEY
AS THE TATES.
THEY DO, HOWEVER,
HAVE AS MANY SECRETS.
OUR STORY BEGINS,
EARLY ONE MORNING,
IN DUNN'S RIVER, CONNECTICUT.
GOOD MORNING, BENSON.
ISN'T IT A GLORIOUS MORNING?
OH, I JUST LOVE
MORNINGS LIKE THIS.
BIRDS SING, FLOWERS GROW,
ALL'S RIGHT WITH THE...
BENSON,
WHAT ARE YOU COOKING?
WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE
I'M COOKING?
WELL...
IT LOOKS LIKE EGGS.
GOOD, THEN IT'S EGGS.
BENSON,
THE DOCTOR SAID NO EGGS.
MR. TATE'S CHOLESTEROL LEVEL
IS QUITE HIGH.
EGGS COULD KILL HIM.
HMM.
THEREFORE, WE DON'T WANT
TO COOK EGGS, DO WE?
WE DO.
BENSON, BENSON, BENSON,
WHAT AM I GOING
TO DO WITH YOU?
SUCH A MIND OF YOUR OWN.
WELL, I SUPPOSE
JUST THIS MORNING
IT WON'T HURT.
IN FACT,
LET'S MAKE SOMETHING REALLY
SPECIAL FOR THE WHOLE...
LET'S MAKE EGGS BENEDICT.
EGGS BENEDICT?
GET OUTTA HERE.
WE'LL SURPRISE EVERYONE.
I'LL HELP.
OH,
FOR THE DINNER PARTY TONIGHT,
I THINK I'D LIKE FOR YOU
TO MAKE BEEF WELLINGTON.
FORGET IT.
WHY?
I DON'T LIKE IT.
BUT IT'S VERY GOOD.
IT'S MR. TATE'S FAVORITE.
IT AIN'T MINE.
I DON'T LIKE IT,
SO I AIN'T MAKIN' IT.
I'M MAKIN' FISH.
MR. TATE HATES FISH.
I KNOW.
WELL, THEN,
W-WHY ARE YOU MAKING IT?
'CAUSE I LIKE FISH
MORE THAN
I LIKE MR. TATE.
SWEETHEART,
WE WENT OVER THIS LAST NIGHT.
I CANNOT SPEND
THE WEEKEND WITH YOU.
HOW COULD I
EXPLAIN IT TO JESSICA?
I DO WANT TO BE WITH YOU...
ALL THE TIME.
YES, MY LITTLE SWEET POTATO.
SWEET POTATO? WHAT?
NO, NO,
SWEET POTATO FUTURES
ARE MUCH TOO RISKY.
JUST STICK WITH
YOUR BLUE CHIPS.
THE... THE... THE MARKET
WILL MOVE QUITE SHARPLY.
RIGHT.
RIGHT.
GOODBYE.
CHESTER,
BUSINESS SO EARLY
IN THE MORNING?
YOU WORK TOO HARD,
DEAR.
WELL, SOMEBODY HAS TO,
THE WAY THIS FAMILY
SPENDS MONEY.
CAN'T, JESSICA.
CARBOHYDRATES.
UH, CHESTER,
I, UH, WAITED UP FOR YOU
LAST NIGHT.
I HARDLY EVER
GET TO SEE YOU ANYMORE.
I WORKED LATE.
TOLD YOU.
TILL 2:30?
DIDN'T YOU HEAR?
WHAT?
WASN'T IT ON THE NEWS?
NO.
WHAT WASN'T ON THE NEWS?
ACCIDENT.
BIG ACCIDENT
ON THE EXPRESSWAY.
HUH?
A HOG TRUCK OVERTURNED.
A HOG TRUCK?
HMM.
BIGGEST MESS
I HAVE EVER SEEN.
TRAFFIC DIDN'T MOVE
FOR HOURS.
DEAD HOGS
ALL OVER THE ROAD.
OH, MY.
UH, CHESTER, I, UH...
I KNOW IT'S MORNING
AND IT IS...
IT... IT IS LIGHT OUT
AND EVERYTHING,
BUT I...
I WAS JUST THINKING, CHESTER,
MAYBE WE COULD, UH...
SOME OTHER TIME, JESS.
I'M EXHAUSTED.
HMM?
FROM LIFTING
ALL THOSE HOGS.
LIFTING THEM?
WELL, I HAD TO, JESS.
I COULDN'T JUST
SIT THERE IN MY CAR,
AND LET
SOME OLD FARMER
MOVE 40 DEAD HOGS
OFF THE SOUTHBOUND LANE
ALL BY HIMSELF.
CHESTER,
I MEAN I JUST NEVER THOUGHT
ABOUT YOU MOVING THEM.
I HAD TO MOVE THEM,
JESS,
IF I HADN'T MOVED THEM,
UH...
THE FIRE TRUCKS COULDN'T
HAVE GOTTEN THROUGH.
FIRE TRUCKS?
RIGHT.
TO PUT OUT THE FIRE.
THE FIRE?
YES.
ON THE, UH, FUEL TRUCK
THAT OVERTURNED.
CHESTER,
A FUEL TRUCK OVERTURNED?
YES.
WHEN THE HOG TRUCK
HIT IT.
HUH?
YOU SEE,
THE HOG TRUCK
HIT THE FUEL TRUCK,
WHICH BURST INTO FLAMES.
AND IT NEEDED THE FIRE TRUCK,
WHICH COULDN'T GET THROUGH,
UNTIL I MOVED THE HOGS.
AND THAT'S WHY
I'M SO TIRED, JESSICA.
WHERE IS CORINNE?
HEY, EUNICE,
THIS IS MY ROOM.
YOUR SISTER STOLE
MY NEW LAVENDER SCARF.
SHE'S NOT
YOUR SISTER?
SHE PROBABLY
STAYED OUT ALL NIGHT AGAIN.
HEY, LISTEN,
NO AGGRAVATION, HUH?
TONIGHT I HAVE MY FIRST DATE.
I ALSO HAVE A PIMPLE.
NOW WHAT I'D LIKE
TO KNOW IS, WHY ME?
WHY NOT YOU OR ANYBODY ELSE
IN THIS CRAZY FAMILY?
EVERYONE IN THIS HOUSE
IS, IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER,
TOTALLY DEFICIENT
AS A HUMAN BEING,
AND I GET THE ZIT.
WELL, MAYBE
IT'S BECAUSE YOU HAVE
THE DIRTY MIND.
EUNICE,
BLOW IT OUT YOUR EARS.
GOOD MORNING,
MAJOR.
HI, GRAMPS.
DO YOU READ THIS FILTH?
NO, EUNICE,
I LOOK AT THE PICTURES.
HOW CAN YOU EVEN
BRING IT INTO THE HOUSE?
BECAUSE I LIKE IT,
EUNICE.
I LIKE NAKED LADIES.
I LIKE TO LOOK AT THEM.
I LIKE TO BE NEAR THEM.
AND SOMEDAY, EUNICE,
GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY,
I WOULD LIKE
TO TOUCH THEM.
YOU'RE SICK.
FINE, I'M SICK.
COMING FROM A PERSON
WHO HAS
NEVER SEEN HERSELF NUDE,
I TAKE THAT
WITH A GRAIN OF SALT.
YOU KNOW,
YOU AND CORINNE ARE
BOTH EXACTLY THE SAME.
YOU'RE BOTH PERVERTS.
GOOD MORNING,
BENSON.
HERE IT IS.
AH, BENSON,
YOU'RE TERRIFIC.
IT WORKS
FOR EVERYTHING.
DOES IT WORK FOR PIMPLES?
WELL, IT'S HARD TO SAY
'CAUSE IT'S NOT
ACTUALLY FOR PIMPLES.
YOU SEE, WE DON'T GET PIMPLES.
GOD SAID,
"I WON'T GIVE THEM PIMPLES,
I'LL JUST
SCREW UP THEIR HAIR."
THANKS A LOT, BENSON.
ONLY ONE IN THIS FAMILY
WORTH A DAMN.
YES, CAPO,
TELL GODFATHER NOT TO WORRY.
I CAN ARRANGE EVERYTHING.
MORNING.
BUONGIORNO.
WHAT ARE YOU EATING?
FRUIT LOOPS.
LISTEN, DANNY, UH,
I'VE BEEN WANTING TO
HAVE A LITTLE TALK WITH YOU.
SHOOT.
NOW, UH, I KNOW
I'M NOT YOUR FATHER...
RIGHT.
BUT I AM YOUR STEPFATHER
AND, I LIKE TO THINK,
YOUR BUDDY.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
OK, ALL RIGHT.
WE HAVEN'T BEEN
SUCH GREAT BUDDIES
UP TILL NOW,
BUT THERE'S NO REASON
WE CAN'T START.
DANNY, I'M WORRIED.
WE ALL KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
IT'S NO SECRET.
WE WEREN'T BORN YESTERDAY.
I HEAR THOSE PHONE CALLS
IN SICILIAN.
STOP.
STOP BEFORE
IT'S TOO LATE.
STOP BEFORE
SOMEBODY GETS HURT.
WELL,
I'M SURE PLENTY OF PEOPLE
GOT HURT ALREADY.
STOP BEFORE YOU GET
BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS...
REAL BLOOD,
OR MORE BLOOD,
IF YOU'VE ALREADY GOT SOME.
I DON'T KNOW, DANNY...
DANNY, LEAVE THAT
BUNCH OF ITALIAN GANGSTERS.
THERE IS NO BUNCH!
BOY, IT GETS ME MAD.
EVERYONE'S ALWAYS
PICKING ON THE ITALIANS.
ANYTIME THEY FIND
A DEAD GUY IN BROOKLYN,
RIGHT AWAY,
IT'S THE ITALIANS.
THEY FIND A BODY
IN THE TRUNK OF A CAR,
IT'S THE ITALIANS.
WELL, I'M A-SICK OF IT.
I'M A-SICK, SICK, SICK!
BUT YOU'RE NOT EVEN
ITALIAN.
DON'T TELL ME
I'M NOT ITALIAN!
YOU'RE NOT ITALIAN!
OH, YEAH?
YEAH.
LISTEN, BURT,
IF YOU DON'T
LEAVE ME ALONE,
YOU'RE GONNA
BE IN BIG TROUBLE.
OH, YEAH?
YEAH.
YEAH?
WHAT KIND OF BIG TROUBLE?
THIS KIND OF TROUBLE.
SEE THIS?
THIS IS YOUR HEAD.
OH, YEAH?
YEAH.
WATCH THIS.
THIS IS YOUR NECK.
OK.
HOW 'BOUT THIS?
THIS IS YOUR SPINE.
THESE ARE YOUR BRAINS.
AND THIS IS YOUR HEAD.
YOU ALREADY DID MY HEAD,
YOU JERK.
THIS IS YOUR HEART.
YOU THINK
YOU'RE SO TOUGH.
HOW ABOUT THIS?
THAT WAS YOUR BODY.
JODY, BREAKFAST IS READY.
BE QUIET, NOW.
IT'S YOUR MOTHER.
IF SHE DIDN'T
LOVE YOU...
IF SHE DIDN'T
LOVE YOU SO MUCH,
I SWEAR I'D KILL YOU,
BURT.
FUNNY, FUNNY STORY.
REMIND ME NEVER
TO SERVE YOU GUYS
BREAKFAST IN BED.
YEAH, SOMEBODY MUST'VE LEFT
A WINDOW OPEN LAST NIGHT
AND A CAT GOT IN.
A CAT.
OR MAYBE A MONKEY.
A MONKEY?
OH, YEAH.
THEY CAN WRECK A PLACE.
YOU EVER SEE
THEIR CAGES AT THE ZOO?
A MONKEY
IN CONNECTICUT.
IT COULD HAPPEN.
YEAH, SURE.
♪ OH, WHAT
A BEAUTIFUL MORNING ♪
HI, BIG BROTHER.
HIYA, LITTLE BROTHER.
WHY DON'T YOU OFFER HIM
SOME FRUIT LOOPS?
IT'D BE VERY APPROPRIATE.
LISTEN,
YOU ANIMAL.
I TOLD YOU BEFORE,
MY BROTHER
IS NOT A FRUIT.
HE'S A PRACTICAL JOKER,
WITH A WONDERFUL
SENSE OF HUMOR.
HE LIKES
TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH.
HEY, HEY,
THAT'S ENOUGH!
PUT YOUR FATHER DOWN.
STEPFATHER.
JUST PUT HIM DOWN.
THIS IS LIKE HAVING BREAKFAST
WITH THE MARX BROTHERS.
NOW, THIS MORNING,
I WANT SOME PEACE AND QUIET.
NOBODY CALLS ANYBODY A FRUIT,
AN ANIMAL, A JERK, ANYTHING.
WELL, I'M LATE.
I GOTTA GO CHANGE.
SO, UH, YOU WON'T HEAR
THE WORD "ANIMAL" OUTTA ME.
AND I'VE GOTTA GET
TO WORK, MOM,
SO YOU WON'T HEAR
THE WORD "FRUIT"
OUT OF HIM.
BYE.
BYE, BURT.
BYE.
BURT,
I THINK IT'S TIME
WE HAD A TALK.
ABOUT WHAT?
DARLING,
SOMETHING'S
BEEN TROUBLING YOU.
YOU... YOU JUST HAVEN'T
BEEN YOURSELF LATELY.
WELL, IT'S THE BOYS.
I DON'T THINK
WE'RE GETTING ALONG.
I KNOW YOU WANT THEM
TO LIKE YOU, BURT,
BUT THAT'S NOT THE PROBLEM.
I KNOW IT'S BEEN
ROUGH ON THEM
WHAT WITH THEIR FATHER
COMMITTING SUICIDE
AND US GETTING MARRIED,
BUT STILL I THOUGHT
THEY COULD REPLACE
MY OWN SONS.
THAT'S NOT THE PROBLEM, BURT.
THAT'S NOT IT.
ARE YOU KIDDING?
NOT SEEING MY OWN SONS
FOR 15 YEARS.
DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS?
I KNOW,
BUT THAT'S NOT IT.
15 YEARS SINCE
SHE TOOK MY KIDS
AND MOVED TO HAWAII,
BECAUSE SHE DECIDES
I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH CLASS.
SHE CAN DO BETTER.
SO SHE MOVES TO HAWAII?
THAT'S WHERE
SHE'S GONNA FIND CLASS?
FORGET ABOUT IT.
I'VE GOT NEWS FOR YOU.
YOU KNOW WHAT SHE FOUND?
A BUNCH OF SHORT, FAT GUYS
WEARING LOUD SHIRTS,
THAT'S WHAT SHE FOUND.
BURT...
SO SHE MOVES TO HAWAII.
THE MUSIC ALONE IS ENOUGH
TO KEEP YOU AWAY
FROM THAT ISLAND.
THAT'S NOT IT.
THAT'S NOT THE PROBLEM, BURT.
YOUR EX-WIFE
IS NOT THE PROBLEM.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
IT'S NOT JUST MY WIFE.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR
SISTER AND HER FAMILY?
THEY'RE NOT A PROBLEM?
THE HIGH AND MIGHTY TATES
LOOKIN' DOWN ON ME
BECAUSE I WORK WITH MY HANDS.
THAT JERK CHESTER
IN HIS TWEEDS.
A MAN WHO'LL JUMP
ON ANYTHING WITH A PULSE,
AND HE'S GOT CLASS.
AND THAT'S WHY
I'M NOT GOING THERE
FOR DINNER TONIGHT.
YOU ARE GOING THERE
FOR DINNER TONIGHT, BURT.
CHESTER AND JESSICA
ARE NOT THE PROBLEM.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO.
BUT ONLY BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU, MARY.
AND I HAVEN'T BEEN
ABLE TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU.
THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
WELL, NOW,
I'VE GIVEN YOU
ALL THE REASONS.
THOSE ARE
NOT THE REASONS.
SURE, THEY'RE THE REASONS.
I LIE IN BED TROUBLED
OVER ALL THOSE THINGS,
BURT, ALL THOSE THINGS
HAVE BEEN GOING ON
FOR A LONG TIME.
THEY'RE NOT
SUDDENLY THE REASONS.
THEY'RE NOT?
THEY'RE NOT.
I WAS SURE THEY WERE.
BURT, LISTEN.
WHEN YOU'RE
READY TO TALK,
I'LL BE HERE.
AND... AND
I'LL UNDERSTAND,
I PROMISE YOU.
I LOVE YOU...
SO THERE'S NOTHING
IN THE WORLD
SO TERRIBLE
THAT I
WOULDN'T
UNDERSTAND.
THERE'S NOTHING
YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.
I COULD TELL YOU ANYTHING
AND THERE'S NOTHING
YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.
I LOVE YOU.
HOW CAN I TELL YOU
YOUR HUSBAND DIDN'T
COMMIT SUICIDE?
THAT HE DIDN'T KILL HIMSELF?
THAT HE WAS A CRIMINAL
WHO DID TERRIBLE THINGS
AND I KILLED HIM
OUT OF LOVE FOR YOU.
HOW IN THE WORLD
CAN I TELL YOU
I KILLED YOUR HUSBAND
AND YOU'D UNDERSTAND?
WHERE ARE
BILLY AND CORINNE?
I WANT US ALL TO HAVE
BREAKFAST TOGETHER
THIS MORNING,
LIKE A REAL FAMILY.
CORINNE NEVER COMES HOME,
MOTHER.
I MEAN DOES
ANYONE EVEN KNOW
IF CORINNE IS STILL
LIVING IN THIS HOUSE?
OH, DON'T BE SILLY, DEAR.
OF COURSE SHE'S LIVING HERE.
HER MAIL COMES HERE.
GOOD MORNING, BENSON.
NO, THANK YOU.
JUST COFFEE,
BENSON.
UH, DEAR,
IT'S EGGS BENEDICT.
JESSICA, DO YOU
KNOW THE CHOLESTEROL
COUNT OF THAT?
YOU MIGHT JUST AS
WELL GET A GUN
AND PUT IT TO MY HEAD.
NOW YOU'RE TALKING.
BENSON,
DID YOU PUT SUGAR IN THIS?
IS IT SWEET?
VERY.
THEN I GUESS I DID.
BENSON, HOW MANY TIMES
DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU,
I AM A DIABETIC.
I CAN'T HAVE SUGAR.
OH, I KEEP THINKING
IT'S SALT YOU CAN'T HAVE.
I CAN'T HAVE SALT EITHER.
THERE AIN'T NO SALT IN THERE.
JUST GET ME ANOTHER CUP,
PLEASE.
AND THIS TIME
DON'T PUT ANYTHING IN IT.
HI, MOM. HI, DAD.
HI, SMILEY.
GROW UP.
BYE, DAD. BYE, MOM.
BYE, BUBBLES.
BILLY, BREAKFAST.
I CAN'T, MA.
I'M LATE FOR SCHOOL.
ANYWAY THE MAJOR'S
STILL IN THE SHOWER.
IF I LEAVE NOW,
I WON'T GET CAUGHT
IN THE CROSSFIRE.
BENSON,
IS THIS SOME KIND
OF BLACK HUMOR?
THIS CUP IS EMPTY.
YOU SAID,
"DON'T PUT ANYTHING IN IT."
JUST GIVE ME COFFEE, PLEASE.
DO YOU REALIZE
THAT BENSON HAS NOT
SAID ONE WORD TO ME
IN 12 YEARS?
WELL, DEAR,
IT'S JUST THAT YOU HAVE
SUCH DIFFERENT INTERESTS.
DAD'S SHOOTING
AT MR. KIRBY AGAIN.
REALLY, DADDY, YOU OUGHT
TO PUT THAT OLD MAN AWAY.
HE IS CRAZY.
EUNICE,
YOUR GRANDFATHER SUFFERED
A SEVERE SHOCK IN THE WAR,
BUT HE'S NOT CRAZY.
HERE WE GO, DAD.
AT EASE, MEN.
EVERYONE,
SAY GOOD MORNING
TO THE MAJOR.
GOOD MORNING, MAJOR.
AFTER BREAKFAST,
BOY,
MAYBE YOU'LL SING
A LITTLE SONG FOR ME.
UH, DADDY.
DADDY?
DEAR, WE DON'T
CALL THEM "BOY."
WHAT DO YOU CALL THEM?
"BOOGIES"?
NO, DADDY.
HIS NAME IS BENSON.
IF MY GUN HADN'T JAMMED,
I'D HAVE GOT HIM THIS TIME.
DAMN GERMAN PATROL PARTIES.
NO, IT ISN'T
THE PATROL PARTY, DAD,
IT'S OUR NEIGHBOR,
IT'S MR. KIRBY.
YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE
OUR NEIGHBOR IS A NAZI?
OF COURSE
HE'S NOT A NAZI,
HE JUST
DRIVES A MERCEDES.
COLONEL,
WHO IS THIS WOMAN?
WHAT I'D LIKE TO KNOW IS,
WHERE DOES HE GET THE BULLETS?
BABY, IT'S TIME TO GO.
YES, DADDY.
GOODBYE, DARLING.
UH, CHESTER. PLEASE,
TRY TO COME HOME
EARLY TONIGHT FOR DINNER,
MARY AND BURT
AND THE BOYS ARE COMING.
WHY ARE THEY COMING?
THAT'S WHAT I SAY,
"WHY ARE THEY COMING?"
THIS FAMILY IS BAD ENOUGH,
THEY'RE WORSE.
SHUT UP, BENSON!
AY, BOY!
SING A LITTLE SONG FOR ME.
COME ON, BOY.
♪ OH, THE SUN SHINES BRIGHT
ON MY OLD KENTUCKY HOME ♪
DADDY.
I KNOW.
NOBODY ATE ANY EGGS.
UH-HUH.
BENSON,
PERHAPS ON YOUR DAY OFF,
YOU'D LIKE
TO TAKE THEM HOME.
OH, I'D SURE
LIKE THAT, MISS TATE.
WE JUST LOVES
3 DAY OLD EGGS BENEDICT
DOWN IN THE GHETTO.
THE LITTLE CHILDREN
CAN USE THEM FOR HOCKEY PUCKS.
HI, MA.
HELLO, CORINNE.
HIYA, MAJOR.
IS IT TRUE YOU DIDN'T
COME HOME LAST NIGHT?
UH, YOUR SISTER SAID
YOU DIDN'T COME HOME.
UH, IT'S TRUE, MA.
IT'S TRUE.
WELL, WHO WERE YOU
OUT WITH?
UH, YOU DON'T
KNOW HIM.
NEITHER DO YOU.
UH, I COULDN'T HELP IT, MA.
YOU SEE THERE WAS THIS, UH...
ACCIDENT.
ANOTHER ACCIDENT?
YEAH, UH...
TURKEY TRUCK OVERTURNED
AND THERE WERE THESE TURKEYS
ALL OVER THE ROAD.
TURKEYS AND HOGS,
ALL IN ONE NIGHT.
NO HOGS, MA, JUST TURKEYS.
NO, YOUR FATHER'S
WAS HOGS.
HOGS AND TURKEYS,
MY, MY!
MUST HAVE BEEN
A TERRIBLE NIGHT
FOR THE FARMERS.
WELL, I'M GONNA
GET SOME SLEEP.
I'M WIPED OUT.
WELL, I GUESS I'LL GO
FOR MY TENNIS LESSON.
BYE.
BOOM!
OH, MY GOD,
OH, MY GOD.
HOW COULD I DO THIS
TO CHESTER?
SWEET, WONDERFUL CHESTER,
WHO THINKS I'M HERE
IMPROVING MY BACKHAND.
WHAT TIME IS IT?
OH, UH, ALMOST NOON.
I'M AFRAID
I HAVE TO GO SOON.
I HAVE TO MEET MY SISTER
FOR LUNCH.
ALL RIGHT.
OH, CHESTER,
SWEET, WONDERFUL CHESTER.
WHO'S CHESTER?
MY HUSBAND. IT WOULD KILL HIM
IF HE KNEW ABOUT THIS.
SO DON'T TELL HIM.
HE'LL KNOW.
I MEAN HE WILL TAKE ONE LOOK
AT MY FACE AND HE'LL KNOW.
I... I...
DOES MY FACE
LOOK ANY DIFFERENT TO YOU?
NO.
GOOD.
COME ON.
GOOD OL' CHESTER'S PROBABLY
BOFFED A SECRETARY OR TWO
IN HIS DAY.
"BOFFED"?
YEAH, CHESTER'S A GUY.
WHAT IS "BOFFED"?
IT'S WHA... IT'S WHAT
WE JUST DID, SWEETHEART.
OH, I... I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU CALLED IT THAT.
TO BOFF.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE
A NAME YOU'D GIVE A PUPPY.
HERE, BOFF.
HERE, BOFF.
I... I MEAN, I JUST NEVER HEARD
THAT BEFORE.
I BET CHESTER HASN'T EITHER.
YOU KNOW, WHEN CHESTER
SAYS TO ME,
"JESSICA, WHAT DID
YOU DO TODAY?"
I BET I COULD SAY TO HIM,
"OOH, I BOFFED,"
AND HE WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT.
UH, DON'T TRY IT.
UH, YOU PROBABLY DO THIS, UH,
ALL THE TIME,
BUT I'VE NEVER
DONE THIS BEFORE.
WHAT?
WELL, I MEAN, OF COURSE,
BEING MARRIED,
I HAVE DONE THIS.
BUT I MEAN, IT'S ALWAYS
BEEN WITH CHESTER.
SEE, I ALWAYS THOUGHT
IT WOULD BE
MORE OR LESS THE SAME.
BUT IT IS DIFFERENT
WITH YOU.
WELL, I MEAN, BASICALLY
IT'S THE SAME ACTIVITY.
I'VE GOT ANOTHER LESSON
AND YOU'VE GOT TO
GO MEET YOUR FRIEND FOR LUNCH.
MY SISTER.
YOUR SISTER, RIGHT.
NOT THAT DOOR.
THAT'S MY 12:30 LESSON.
THE BACK DOOR.
FOR YOUR PROTECTION, YOU KNOW.
CHESTER.
BYE.
BYE.
WHAT?
UH, THANK YOU.
DON'T MENTION IT.
CORINNE, HI!
HI.
WILL JESSICA FIND OUT
ABOUT CORINNE AND PETER?
WILL CORINNE FIND OUT
ABOUT JESSICA AND PETER?
WILL BURT TELL MARY
HE KILLED HER FIRST HUSBAND?
WILL BILLY'S ZIT DISAPPEAR
BEFORE HIS FIRST DATE?
WILL BENSON MAKE FISH?
THESE QUESTIONS
AND MANY OTHERS
WILL BE ANSWERED
ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF...
SOAP.