So Dumb it's Criminal Hosted by Snoop Dogg (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Bringing Down the (Waffle) House - full transcript
On this special episode of
"So Dumb It's Criminal,"
pea-brained perpetrators
meet their moronic match...
[ Screaming ]
While others let
anger take the wheel
and drive them straight to jail.
You won't even want to
take a bathroom break.
It's all coming up on
"So Dumb It's Criminal."
♪ Baby, baby ♪
Welcome to "So Dumb
It's Criminal,"
the show that will make
you want to kiss your mama
for raising you
right. [ Laughter ]
Say hello to my police lineup...
Jim Jefferies and Diallo Riddle.
And I can't forget the lady
who brings some gravity
to all depravity,
my lovely clip keeper, Tacarra.
What up, Snoop?
So, what are we
starting with today, T?
Today, we're gonna
start with some people
who didn't know it was time
to shut the party down.
Have you ever
gotten so messed up,
you did something you regretted?
Uh, probably got drunk when
I should have got high.
[ Laughter ]
- That's me every day.
- Yeah.
I've gotten drunk and done
some unfortunate people.
- Oh, people. Okay.
- [ Laughter ]
Diallo, you ever
gotten so messed up
that you did something
that you regret?
- You mean this week?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- You know, I always say that,
like, I wish I was more of
an appreciator of marijuana,
because I think you can do stuff
there and sort of maintain.
I'm more of the drink
until you black out,
and then you wake up and
awkwardly ask your wife,
"So, how was the
end of the night?"
- [ Chuckles ]
- That's more my speed.
Okay. First up, we
have some people
who paid the prices
for their vices.
Check them out in "High Crimes."
We have the Malcolm
X of beer drinkers.
He got his party on by
any means necessary.
Check him out.
Let's check him out,
see what he working.
- Well, God damn.
- Oh, oh, oh.
"I'm tired of waiting.
I'm just coming in this
motherfucker, for fleek.
Yeah, straight up.
Let me back up."
No, no, no, no. Not again.
"Yeah, let me back
this thing up.
Now the door is
open, I go in there
and get me something
to drink now."
[ Laughter ]
- "My phone says it's 8:59."
- [ Laughter ]
- Look at this shit.
- Wait! Wait a minute.
He didn't even go through
the biggest opening.
He stuck his hand
through the side.
That was great
criminal thinking,
because you couldn't
actually see his face.
Got you.
So he was actually looking
out for himself on that one.
When they put that
on Channel 2 News,
"This is the suspect.
We can't see half the
motherfucker's face,
but he was driving
a big, black truck."
- But what was he stealing?
- Was it beer or something?
Like, when I smash and
grab, I go for the Cristal.
- Right.
- It's just who I am.
[ Laughter ]
Cristal's never that
high up on the shelf.
- Yeah.
- [ Laughs ]
I'd hate to see
what this guy'd do
if he lost the
keys to his house.
[ Laughter ]
Have you ever, like, really
needed a drink, like, that bad?
- Now.
- Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
Next up, here is a British dude
who brings new meaning
to the phrase "piss off."
Fuck off.
Oh, just look at him,
peeing on himself, cuz.
Come on, cuz. Come on, cuz.
First of all, what
kind of dick he got
where he can just
pee straight up.
[ Laughter ]
He's still going.
He achieved the perfect
angle, apparently.
Am I the only one that
was nervous at the fact
that his mouth was
open the whole time?
- It was getting so close.
- [ Laughter ]
I'll explain to
you how dicks work.
[ Laughter ]
Most people, you go left
or you go right, right?
Unless you've got an erection
you're trying to hide,
which you put up into the belt.
- Okay.
- And it sits above you
like a small tumor
on your stomach.
- Okay.
- I suspect that that man
had an erection minutes
before that happened,
and he done the upward bit,
and then he was just
pissing like a fountain.
That's amazing.
I want to be able
to do that one day,
just walk in the living
room say, "Hi, guys."
[ Laughter ]
Only motherfucker I know
that do that is R. Kelly.
[ Laughter ]
I wonder who this guy
is in the background
who's, like, peeking
around the corner?
Does he even know he did this?
Like, is he gonna see this video
and be like, "Oh, I was peeing?"
- Pee is hot.
- Do you understand me? So...
What do you mean? Like, sexy?
- No. Hell no.
- [ Laughter ]
I mean that the temperature...
The temperature of pee is hot,
because it's coming
out your hot-ass body.
Which I find sexy.
Which would have
woke his ass up.
If he was drunk, it
should have woke him up.
Like, what is this hot shit on
me that's squirting out of me?
I mean, it spent a
little time in the air.
- It might have cooled off.
- [ Laughs ]
Anyway, here's a woman
who didn't want the traffic
camera to catch her drunk ass,
so she did something about it.
Let's see what she did.
Oh, come on.
She knocked the camera down?
[ Laughing ]
My idol.
So the camera didn't
see her do that?
No. Just the person behind her
with the camera
seen her do that.
[ Laughter ]
I wonder how the person
behind her knew to record?
It may have been road rage
with her and the
person that's filming.
- That's what I think.
- Got you.
In the road rage, she
got so out of control.
You think this is the
first bit of dumb shit
- this lady has done today?
- Yes.
This person was
following her for miles.
They didn't take
their camera out
just hoping to catch
something like this.
They caught something. Alright.
So, next up, we have a
dude who is so messed up,
he left home without
his ride and his pants.
Help!
- Okay, that's my car.
- No one's in there, okay?
What? How are you poisoned?
How are you poisoned?
Sir? Sir! [ Light laughter ]
Hey, get out of there! Hey!
[ Engine revs ]
Well, we definitely
know he's not Black.
[ Laughter ]
It's weird to me that the cop
is this far away from his car.
And his car is open
with the keys in it.
But, also, you said you
know he's not Black.
I don't know if he's human.
He looks like just a
glowing bit of light.
He might be an
angel. [ Laughter ]
I like how the cop
turned into a parent.
"Hey, hey, hey, hey,
what are you doing there?
Hey, you better come
back for a minute.
Hey, you better stop it."
He just calmly asked
him, "Were you poisoned?"
Like, he's looking for
this man's excuses.
Uh-huh.
It doesn't typically
go that way with...
Yeah, normally it
doesn't. [ Laughter ]
We got different
experiences with the police.
They don't never end like that.
- Right.
- [ Laughter ]
Alright. Next up,
here's a guy trying to
break into a donation box.
This guy's got to be under
the influence of something
other than the
smell of mothballs
and a love of
secondhand clothes.
So, I'm just leaving.
Some guy is stealing
from the donation box.
Oh, no. Oh, he's gonna
be stuck in there.
You're not fucking
getting out, you dummy.
[ Laughter ]
He drives a Volvo.
Like, what the fuck
is happening here?
[ Laughter ]
Might be he had
seller's remorse.
Like, his wife gave away
one of his favorite jackets,
and he's like, "I fucking
loved that jacket,"
and then he went in to get it.
But, like, these
clips are all very fun
until we find out
that guy's dead.
[ Laughter ] You know?
People went past that box,
and it smelled really bad,
but we're all enjoying
it on TV right now.
I think you solved the mystery.
It's that thing where you have
something you're throwing away
and something valuable
in the same hand,
and then you have to, like,
consciously think, "Okay",
I'm gonna throw this
away, but not my keys.
So he might have thrown
his keys in there.
[ Laughter ]
And he's just trying
to get them back.
- Ah. That's smart.
- I've done that before.
Imagine driving by,
and somebody's screaming from
the box, "I'm stuck in here."
I bought him at a Goodwill
store a week later.
[ Laughter ]
Next up, if you raise
the roof too hard,
people probably gonna
fall out of there.
Tuscumbia Police say Wesley Bost
managed to escape
with an accomplice
after tearing through the
Waffle House like a tornado.
It all happened Sunday
morning, when police believe.
Bost went into the
bathroom, locked himself in,
and tied an article of
clothing to the door.
He then climbed
into the ceiling.
[ Laughter ] [
People screaming ]
- Holy fucking shit.
- [ Laughter ]
What the fuck is he doing?
This is a dumb
motherfucker right here.
After that happened,
police say he took off,
but not without leaving
some evidence behind.
And he left those pants
at the Waffle House.
- [ Laughs ]
- I'm mad 'cause he had
my favorite fucking
restaurant doing this shit.
- The Waffle House?
- I love the Waffle House.
This wasn't even the
craziest thing that happened
at the Waffle
House that morning.
Stay right there!
[ Indistinct shouting ]
As a person that
grew up in Atlanta,
the Waffle House looks like this
every day at about 3:00 a.m.
- Right.
- [ Laughter ]
Of course it's gonna
fall like that.
It's made out of waffles.
[ Laughter ]
Like, I don't want to tell you
how to make your buildings,
but structurally...
You know what?
I wish somebody'd
pointed that out earlier.
[ People screaming ]
What was he hiding again?
He locked himself
in the bathroom
and tied his shirt
around the door.
- Why?
- I don't know what the fuck for.
Right. And then crawled
through the ceiling.
Well, you don't want to be
interrupted sometimes, you know?
Like, he wanted a
nice, smooth movement.
- Yeah.
- At the Waffle House.
- The lock was broken.
- At the Waffle House.
He figured he'd make his own.
And the Waffle House
bathrooms is nasty, right?
Oh, I mean, people
have been eating grits.
You'll be scared to pee
in the motherfuckers.
Like, you go in that,
you got to protect
your dick when you pee.
Like, for real, man. That
motherfucker is nasty.
I like how you use two
hands to protect your dick.
Mine is little. [ Laughter ]
Put a finger down.
Now, y'all know I
always pay my bills.
I'm always on time.
So we'll be right
back after this.
♪ Baby, baby ♪
♪ Baby, baby ♪
Welcome back. What's next, T?
The best lawyers don't
have any commercials,
but the lawyers that do,
they are my favorites.
If you're in trouble, you better
call these guys right here.
- Bryan Wilson, Texas law hawk.
- [ Hawk screeches ]
Bryan Wilson, the
Texas law hawk!
Talons of justice!
[ Grunts ] Due process?
Do wheelies. [ Engine revs ]
[ Laughter ]
I was sort of thinking that
maybe the hawk was the lawyer.
[ Laughter ]
This guy's just standing.
'Cause, you know, when you
show up at the law offices
and there's a hawk there,
you're gonna have
some questions.
This motherfucker right here
riding on a real minibike, man,
trying to get you to come
let him represent you.
If somebody had, like,
a commercial like this,
would you let them rep you?
- Fuck no.
- [ Laughter ]
- Fuck out of here.
- It depends on my crime.
If it's for
disturbing the peace,
you don't want
that bloke, do you,
come in going, "What my
client did was okay!"
- He screams everything.
- [ Laughter ]
Alright, so, these
next lawyers are here
to help you get high
for the holidays.
- ♪ Christmas weed ♪
- ♪ Christmas weed ♪
- ♪ Oh, Christmas weed ♪
- ♪ Oh, Christmas weed ♪
♪ It's still a crime in Texas ♪
- ♪ Oh, Christmas weed ♪
- ♪ Christmas weed ♪
- ♪ Oh, Christmas weed ♪
- ♪ Oh, Christmas weed ♪
♪ That's how I bought a Lexus ♪
- Okay.
- [ Laughter ]
It's good to see Hall
& Oates working again.
[ Laughter ]
I just want to put out a
warning... I smell narc.
This sounds like the
most narc-y song.
Why does he look so unhappy?
Probably because he's still
working with a typewriter
and not a computer.
Okay. [ Laughing ]
Also, do you think the
bloke bought a Lexus
just so it could
rhyme with Texas?
- Yes.
- 'Cause there's no other car.
They're like, "Hey, have
you looked at the Avalon?"
He's like, "No, no, no.
I've got to rhyme this word.
It's very important to me
that you show me one car."
- I have this song in my future.
- This will come in very handy.
It's catchy. I mean, you
know, I would remember it.
Do you think when you get
caught with weed at Easter,
they'd still represent you?
Or are they just a purely
Christmas weed-based company?
[ Laughter ]
'Cause I've had some
Memorial Day weed incidents
that I would like
some help with.
[ Laughter ]
If you ask me, clean-cut
lawyers who drive Mercedes...
They're kind of corny.
I want you to give me one
driving a truck reckless,
like this guy right here.
America is about freedom.
I'm Adam Reposa.
This is my truck.
All I can think is
I'm a lawyer. Why?
- Don't...
- Are you
- get in my...
- in my
- way!
- Way!
I'm a lawyer.
I'm a lawyer! Don't
get in my way!
And if you're
prosecuting my client,
- you...
- This is my truck!
- Are...
- I am a lawyer!
- In...
- I'm out of recovery.
- My way!
- [ Laughter ]
- I'm Adam Reposa.
- Alright.
- Wow.
- I don't care what anyone says,
white people are the
best. [ Laughter ]
So, he's gonna have to
defend himself this point
with all the crimes he just
committed in this video.
I mean, there's so
much wrong with this.
Right.
First off, he says "I am
a lawyer" three times.
At some point, you
start to think,
- "This man's not a lawyer."
- Right.
Like, if your spouse says,
"I am not cheating
on you" three times,
you start to think,
"They're cheating on me."
- Yeah.
- [ Laughs ]
I can't imagine what sex
is like with this guy.
Does he yell his
name every time?
- "I am coming!"
- [ Laughs ]
"You're about to
receive some come."
[ Laughter ]
When I seen him, I
fell in love with him.
I was like, "You know what?
I've got to meet
this motherfucker
to see if he really
is who he say he is."
'Cause I just want
to believe the fact
that this is
actually what it is.
So here today on this show
is lawyer, patriot, and
champion Adam R-R-Reposa.
Adam Reposa, what's
happening, baby?
Glad to have you on the
show, first and foremost.
For your ad, you practice, like,
you know, crazy law or whatnot,
but what is it
that you really do
as far as for people that
come into your office?
What do you provide?
[ Laughter ]
- Alright.
- [ Laughter ]
So I see you got a picture
of my late, great
homeboy Tupac behind you.
So, Adam, I want you to give
us the basic representation
of what you do
and how you do it.
We want to see it
live and direct.
Oh, yeah.
Let me show you a video,
and you tell me what
advice you'd give the guy
if he was your client.
Now, he was pulled over
for allegedly driving drunk
on a riding lawn mower.
♪♪
What's going on?
You know you're in
the road, right?
[ Laughter ] You were.
How much you have
to drink tonight?
- A couple?
- [ Laughter ]
Okay. And you're operating a
motor vehicle, essentially.
You weren't on the side.
I observed you in the
middle of the road.
[ Police radio chatter ]
And back there...
So, I'm gonna ask
you one more time
if you want to do
these exercises?
[ Laughter ]
This motherfucker ain't
got time for no exercises.
What can I say? What can I say?
What advice would you give him?
[ Laughter ]
Unauthorized
highway maintenance.
I like that terminology.
- And it was within the law.
- Mm-hmm.
- [ Laughs ] Mm-hmm.
- That's my kind of lawyer.
We've got to wrap this up,
but we want to thank my main
man, Adam, for coming through.
Adam, you are truly an original,
and if I'm ever in Texas
and if I do a crime,
you're gonna be the first
motherfucker I'll reach out for.
[ Laughter ] But
before I get to that,
I would love for you to
give us your catch phrase,
the shit that you're known for.
Hit us one time with it.
I am a lawyer!
- [ Laughter ]
- We'll be right back.
[ Applause ]
Thank you, Adam.
Thank you, brother.
♪ Baby, baby ♪
♪ Baby, baby ♪
Welcome back.
Tacarra, what criminal behavior
are we digging into next?
And now another episode of
"What's in Your Pants?",
where people think
they're magicians,
but instead of a hat,
they pull all types of
shit out of their pants.
[ Laughter ]
Alright, so this next dude
didn't have a concealed weapon,
but he did have
plenty of concealer.
Watch what happens when
he gets caught by security
after a trip to
the makeup aisle.
Alright, he's taking
it out of his pants?
Yeah.
That's the whole shelf.
You walked into the store
and walked out the aisle,
and the whole shelf was gone.
He's gonna get his ass
beat when he get home
and this girl gonna smell
all that makeup and lip gloss
and shit on him and be
like, "Explain this shit."
How did it get on your
pants by your dick?
I don't want to hear
that shit." [ Laughter ]
"But, baby, I was stealing
some shit for you."
[ Laughter ]
My favorite part of this
whole clip is at the very end,
when, like, he just looks,
and he politely nods.
- That's everything.
- What are you trying to say?
- He's a gentleman thief.
- Yeah.
Like, he's the Thomas
Crown of Sephora.
So, question...
Have you ever bought
something from someone else
that you knew was stolen?
- Definitely.
- I definitely have.
I buy shit all the time
that I know they're stolen.
[ Laughter ]
I'll tell you what, though,
about buying things that
you know are stolen.
I had a friend once who was
shoplifting when we were kids,
and he fucking
shoplifted Tic Tacs.
- Me too. [ Laughs ]
- Right? See?
The security guard goes, "Hey."
And then you step away... ksh!
[ Laughter ]
"What have you got
in your pocket?"
"Nothing." Ksk, ksk!
[ Laughter ]
If you want to shoplift,
take the Mentos.
[ Laughter ]
I took an entire 12-pack...
- Yeah. Ksk-ksk-ksk!
- Of Tic Tacs.
- [ Laughs ]
- Yeah.
And put them in my book bag.
You're a criminal,
but you tasted lovely.
[ Laughter ]
Alright, so, this next lifter
is what I call a meat magician.
- Give me that crap now.
- Oh, no.
He got on a fake-ass
Jerry Rice jersey.
- [ Laughs ]
- Those is ribs.
- He's fitting to barbecue.
- "Hey, man, look here."
We had a bunch of
bitches at the house.
Got that hamburger meat.
That's that hamburger meat
to go with the spaghetti.
That's the motherfucking
hamburger meat
- "to go with the tacos."
- Oh, my God.
- Damn.
- Another rib.
"I got those baby back ribs
that I was gonna sauté them."
[ Indistinct conversations ]
"Then down here in this side,
I got that, uh, pork ribs."
Snoop, he's one of those people
that showed up at the
barbecue with nothing,
and then they like, "Oh,
you can't come in
here with nothing."
- "I'll be right back."
- "I'll be right back."
[ Laughter ]
I thought when you
said meat magicians,
it was like every man, when
they sit on the toilet,
we put our cock and
balls between our legs
and then we go, "I'm
a lady, I'm a lady,"
just to ourselves
as a bit of fun.
- Okay.
- [ Laughter ]
So true, so true.
- Wow.
- Do you guys agree with that?
- Like, I don't know.
- Every man, every man.
- Every man. Okay, okay.
- [ Laughs ]
Alright.
I will have to disagree
with that shit.
- [ Laughter ]
- I was hoping.
I was looking at you like,
"Dude, give me
something here, please."
Enh!
You have never put your
dick between your legs
and done the mangina and go,
"Oh, this is a bit of fun"?
Alright, so next up,
here's a lady who is redefining
the term bottle service.
She's got a lot of room, too.
"Okay. There you go.
Get it together."
I'm gonna get this
one right here,
- "'cause I know they like this."
- This one for my Aunt, you know?
"They like this shit here."
"Now, I'm gonna go ahead
and get this one for Cheryl.
- She likes wine."
- "Uh-huh. Hallelujah.
I'm gonna look suspicious
while I'm doing it, too.
I'm gonna look real suspicious
so nobody knows what I'm doing.
"I'm gonna look
like I'm stealing."
"And I'm gonna pay
for this one here."
"I'm gonna take some more shit.
I've got these
big-ass drawers on.
I'm gonna put something
in my drawers."
Well, they're not gonna
find that for weeks.
[ Laughter ]
She lifted her titty
and put it under it.
You notice how she didn't take
nothing from the bottom shelf?
- She was all like top-shelf shit?
- Yeah.
Sometimes you
over-invite to the party.
I actually feel a lot
of empathy for that.
I want to find out who she is.
You know, Drake sent, what,
six bottles to Charlamagne?
Let's send her 18
bottles of Cuevo.
Do you reckon she emptied
all the bottles out
and then, "Alright, here we
go. Here, have the party."
And then, like two weeks later,
she lifts up a tit up and
a bottle of gin fell out?
[ Laughter ]
"I forgot that was up there."
[ Laughter ]
What's next, my clip stress?
There are all types of crimes,
but the ones that never
get too tired or old
is good, old-fashioned thievery.
It's time for
"Let's Get Lifted."
Rule number one when stealing,
always watch your step,
especially when
you're trying to steal
a manhole cover like this guy.
- A manhole cover?
- Why?
What do you get for this?
There's a black market
for manhole covers.
- There can't be?
- There is. They melt them down.
There can't be.
- You dumb motherfucker.
- Oh!
[ Laughter ]
People don't realize
that's why manholes exist,
- is to stop moments like this.
- Yeah.
- For real?
- [ Laughter ]
- Bring that video back.
- Let me see.
Bring it back.
Ow!
Did it hit his head?
That shit hurt.
- That knee is done.
- Mm!
Do you reckon the guy on
the motorbike knew him?
- That was his getaway ride.
- [ Laughter ]
But what was the point
of stealing the cover?
Did he have a hole near his
house that was uncovered...
[ Laughter ]
That he'd already
previously fallen into?
"I'm tired of getting these
tires fixed." [ Laughs ]
The dude on the bike is, like,
trying to talk some
sense into him.
He's like, "What are you doing?
What do you need this for?"
"Look at you, Jeff.
You've got a manhole
cover on your shoulder.
Man, what happened to you?"
- Maybe the guy lives down there.
- [ Laughter ]
Alright, so now
check out this woman
who almost had a great excuse
for not having her
work done the next day.
♪♪
She's holding on to the charger?
What kind of laptop is that?
Yeah, that can't be an iPad.
Those chargers fall
out if you sneeze.
Oh, they're fighting this
off with chairs and shit.
- Yeah, yeah.
- [ Laughs ]
Look, have you ever seen
someone tame a lion?
The chair is where it's
at, I'm telling you.
I want to go back,
because I want to pay attention
to the bartender first,
'cause he was very
uninterested in the beginning.
Let's watch the
bartender. Look at cuz.
"I'm gonna clean this
shit up real quick.
I'm gonna make me a drink.
Oh, he stole your laptop?"
- [ Laughs ]
- "Oh, he did? Oh, shit."
You gonna get it
back?" [ Laughter ]
"Shit. You got this shit.
- Hey, man, give the shit back."
- "You stop it. You stop."
He's still very uninterested
through this entire ordeal.
Look how he looking.
"Hey, man, are you
saying she's back?
- "Come on, man."
- You know what?
'Cause he the one who
called him and say,
"Hey, somebody here
with a laptop."
Those people who go into
Starbucks with a laptop
are the fucking worst,
and they deserve this.
- What?
- [ Laughter ]
That's what happens
when you overstay?
Oh, my God, these people
who sit there like,
"I'm important, and I'm
writing me a script,"
do it at fucking
home! [ Laughter ]
This is definitely in Amsterdam
or Norway or some shit,
those little-ass tables
and the baby benches.
- [ Laughter ]
- Alright, I got to say,
this restaurant's
food must be shit,
because it's 7:41, and
there's no one in there.
[ Laughter ]
We've got to take a break,
but we'll be right back
with more foolishness
and criminality.
Don't go nowhere.
♪ Baby, baby ♪
Welcome back.
Let's dig into some mentality
of some more criminality.
Tacarra, where you at?
Alright, here's some
people who found out
what goes around
comes back around.
This is "Instant Karma."
Now, this is a delivery
guy about to take off.
This dude rolls up
and pulls out a knife.
Motorcycle, bicycle.
"Hey, man, what's going
on? What's happening?
Finna pull it out,
and I'm finna make you
give me your shit."
He's taking a long time.
"If I can just get it out
of these tight-ass pants."
Oh!
- That's my kind of hero.
- [ Laughs ]
We need to get that
motherfucker on the show.
Whoever just hit
the... in the car,
I want him on the show.
Let's replay this again.
So, that was a delivery
guy coming to deliver food,
and the guy was
coming up to rob him.
You never bring a knife
or a gun to a car fight.
- Yeah.
- [ Laughter ]
- You're not gonna win.
- [ Laughter ]
He took a long time
to get the knife out.
I agree. It took a long
time to get the knife out.
And that guy is on a bike, and
you're on a motored vehicle.
Like, I would have been taken
off by that time, right?
But the motorcycle
was unscathed.
[ Laughs ]
See how that motherfucker
just moved right on time?
Let's see it one more time.
I want to see his whiplash.
- Oh.
- I like this part.
- [ Laughter ]
- But for me...
now you're facing charges.
- Not really.
- No?
- I'm the fuck out of there.
- [ Laughing ]
"It was a black vehicle."
"What was the license?"
"I didn't see.
I just seen the... on
the front, laying back."
[ Laughs ]
And he's not gonna say nothing
'cause you saved him, so okay.
- Thank you.
- Alright.
So, if you see this next
kid come out of an elevator,
turn your ass around
and take the stairs.
♪♪
- Oh, come on, pee-pee.
- He's peeing?
- Look at pee-pee.
- Oh, look at old pee-pee.
Eh, when you got to
go, you got to go.
- But on the buttons?
- He's just gonna hit every floor.
"Let me get the top floor,
too. I'm gonna get the suites."
"Let me get that
fire-alarm button."
- Why is he peeing so much?
- Like, it's just a lot of pee.
You've got to understand,
this is a rite of passage.
We've all done this before.
Now he's got to
touch his own pee.
You see that?
He had to touch his own pee.
Yeah, you can
touch your own pee.
It's other people's
pee that bothers you.
[ Laughs ]
He didn't put enough
thought into this.
That's the problem.
Oh, he short-circuited
this thing
and it doesn't work now, and
he's stuck inside the lift!
[ Laughter ]
Oh, that's where the
karma bit came in.
I understand this segment now.
- Oh, okay.
- [ Laughter ]
So he got stuck in there.
Yes. He short-circuited
the electrical system
when he peed on it,
and now he got to touch
his own pee to get out,
and he's stuck in the elevator.
And with a Chinese movie
that's coming out next week.
[ Laughter ]
Little dumb-ass.
- I think they're in China.
- There they just call it a movie.
Yeah. He's gonna miss the
motherfucking premiere.
Did you see his little
panic move, though?
He said, "Oh!"
When they come and catch him,
you know when you're a
kid and you make up a lie,
you'll be like, "A guy ran in
here and he pissed on the thing",
and I tried to stop him,
but then he left,
and the door shut,
and then I got locked
in." [ Laughter ]
Alright, so, next up,
here is a dude who wanted
to torch a barbershop,
but karma had other plans.
♪♪
[ Screaming ]
[ Laughter ]
There you go. There you go.
- [ Screaming ]
- You got to stop and roll.
[ Laughter ]
He had to kick his
motherfucking shoe off
'cause that
motherfucker was hot.
That's what I always think.
Whenever I see someone
that's just wearing one shoe,
I always think, "They've
probably got a good story."
[ Laughter ]
I just want to point out
when this guy is in jail,
and they're like, "Hey, hey.
You know, I'm tough, man.
I'm tough, I'm tough."
Then they show them
that video, "Aah!"
[ Laughter ]
This you on the TV?
Can we go back to the cut?
Why has he got both
car doors open?
That makes for a bad
getaway. [ Laughter ]
This is a dumb-ass criminal.
First of all, you pull your car
up to the scene of the crime.
You jump out and commit arson,
and then you commit arson
on your dumb-ass self.
Then stayed on the camera
and ran around the back.
He ran into every camera.
- Yes.
- He ran to every camera.
He's like, "I need
to make sure."
It's like that screen
test on your iPhone.
- You want to get the full face.
- [ Laughs ]
- Aah!
- [ Laughter ]
That's it for the show.
I'd like to thank my guests,
the one and only from
the land Down Under,
Jim Jefferies in the
motherfucking house.
And to his left, the
exceptional writer, actor,
director/friend of
mine, Diallo Riddle,
and my magnificent
clip stress, Tacarra.
Stay safe, stay out the way,
and keep them
cameras away from you
if you plan on
doing some crimes,
or your dumb ass is
gonna be on my show.
Peace.
[ Applause ]
"So Dumb It's Criminal,"
pea-brained perpetrators
meet their moronic match...
[ Screaming ]
While others let
anger take the wheel
and drive them straight to jail.
You won't even want to
take a bathroom break.
It's all coming up on
"So Dumb It's Criminal."
♪ Baby, baby ♪
Welcome to "So Dumb
It's Criminal,"
the show that will make
you want to kiss your mama
for raising you
right. [ Laughter ]
Say hello to my police lineup...
Jim Jefferies and Diallo Riddle.
And I can't forget the lady
who brings some gravity
to all depravity,
my lovely clip keeper, Tacarra.
What up, Snoop?
So, what are we
starting with today, T?
Today, we're gonna
start with some people
who didn't know it was time
to shut the party down.
Have you ever
gotten so messed up,
you did something you regretted?
Uh, probably got drunk when
I should have got high.
[ Laughter ]
- That's me every day.
- Yeah.
I've gotten drunk and done
some unfortunate people.
- Oh, people. Okay.
- [ Laughter ]
Diallo, you ever
gotten so messed up
that you did something
that you regret?
- You mean this week?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- You know, I always say that,
like, I wish I was more of
an appreciator of marijuana,
because I think you can do stuff
there and sort of maintain.
I'm more of the drink
until you black out,
and then you wake up and
awkwardly ask your wife,
"So, how was the
end of the night?"
- [ Chuckles ]
- That's more my speed.
Okay. First up, we
have some people
who paid the prices
for their vices.
Check them out in "High Crimes."
We have the Malcolm
X of beer drinkers.
He got his party on by
any means necessary.
Check him out.
Let's check him out,
see what he working.
- Well, God damn.
- Oh, oh, oh.
"I'm tired of waiting.
I'm just coming in this
motherfucker, for fleek.
Yeah, straight up.
Let me back up."
No, no, no, no. Not again.
"Yeah, let me back
this thing up.
Now the door is
open, I go in there
and get me something
to drink now."
[ Laughter ]
- "My phone says it's 8:59."
- [ Laughter ]
- Look at this shit.
- Wait! Wait a minute.
He didn't even go through
the biggest opening.
He stuck his hand
through the side.
That was great
criminal thinking,
because you couldn't
actually see his face.
Got you.
So he was actually looking
out for himself on that one.
When they put that
on Channel 2 News,
"This is the suspect.
We can't see half the
motherfucker's face,
but he was driving
a big, black truck."
- But what was he stealing?
- Was it beer or something?
Like, when I smash and
grab, I go for the Cristal.
- Right.
- It's just who I am.
[ Laughter ]
Cristal's never that
high up on the shelf.
- Yeah.
- [ Laughs ]
I'd hate to see
what this guy'd do
if he lost the
keys to his house.
[ Laughter ]
Have you ever, like, really
needed a drink, like, that bad?
- Now.
- Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
Next up, here is a British dude
who brings new meaning
to the phrase "piss off."
Fuck off.
Oh, just look at him,
peeing on himself, cuz.
Come on, cuz. Come on, cuz.
First of all, what
kind of dick he got
where he can just
pee straight up.
[ Laughter ]
He's still going.
He achieved the perfect
angle, apparently.
Am I the only one that
was nervous at the fact
that his mouth was
open the whole time?
- It was getting so close.
- [ Laughter ]
I'll explain to
you how dicks work.
[ Laughter ]
Most people, you go left
or you go right, right?
Unless you've got an erection
you're trying to hide,
which you put up into the belt.
- Okay.
- And it sits above you
like a small tumor
on your stomach.
- Okay.
- I suspect that that man
had an erection minutes
before that happened,
and he done the upward bit,
and then he was just
pissing like a fountain.
That's amazing.
I want to be able
to do that one day,
just walk in the living
room say, "Hi, guys."
[ Laughter ]
Only motherfucker I know
that do that is R. Kelly.
[ Laughter ]
I wonder who this guy
is in the background
who's, like, peeking
around the corner?
Does he even know he did this?
Like, is he gonna see this video
and be like, "Oh, I was peeing?"
- Pee is hot.
- Do you understand me? So...
What do you mean? Like, sexy?
- No. Hell no.
- [ Laughter ]
I mean that the temperature...
The temperature of pee is hot,
because it's coming
out your hot-ass body.
Which I find sexy.
Which would have
woke his ass up.
If he was drunk, it
should have woke him up.
Like, what is this hot shit on
me that's squirting out of me?
I mean, it spent a
little time in the air.
- It might have cooled off.
- [ Laughs ]
Anyway, here's a woman
who didn't want the traffic
camera to catch her drunk ass,
so she did something about it.
Let's see what she did.
Oh, come on.
She knocked the camera down?
[ Laughing ]
My idol.
So the camera didn't
see her do that?
No. Just the person behind her
with the camera
seen her do that.
[ Laughter ]
I wonder how the person
behind her knew to record?
It may have been road rage
with her and the
person that's filming.
- That's what I think.
- Got you.
In the road rage, she
got so out of control.
You think this is the
first bit of dumb shit
- this lady has done today?
- Yes.
This person was
following her for miles.
They didn't take
their camera out
just hoping to catch
something like this.
They caught something. Alright.
So, next up, we have a
dude who is so messed up,
he left home without
his ride and his pants.
Help!
- Okay, that's my car.
- No one's in there, okay?
What? How are you poisoned?
How are you poisoned?
Sir? Sir! [ Light laughter ]
Hey, get out of there! Hey!
[ Engine revs ]
Well, we definitely
know he's not Black.
[ Laughter ]
It's weird to me that the cop
is this far away from his car.
And his car is open
with the keys in it.
But, also, you said you
know he's not Black.
I don't know if he's human.
He looks like just a
glowing bit of light.
He might be an
angel. [ Laughter ]
I like how the cop
turned into a parent.
"Hey, hey, hey, hey,
what are you doing there?
Hey, you better come
back for a minute.
Hey, you better stop it."
He just calmly asked
him, "Were you poisoned?"
Like, he's looking for
this man's excuses.
Uh-huh.
It doesn't typically
go that way with...
Yeah, normally it
doesn't. [ Laughter ]
We got different
experiences with the police.
They don't never end like that.
- Right.
- [ Laughter ]
Alright. Next up,
here's a guy trying to
break into a donation box.
This guy's got to be under
the influence of something
other than the
smell of mothballs
and a love of
secondhand clothes.
So, I'm just leaving.
Some guy is stealing
from the donation box.
Oh, no. Oh, he's gonna
be stuck in there.
You're not fucking
getting out, you dummy.
[ Laughter ]
He drives a Volvo.
Like, what the fuck
is happening here?
[ Laughter ]
Might be he had
seller's remorse.
Like, his wife gave away
one of his favorite jackets,
and he's like, "I fucking
loved that jacket,"
and then he went in to get it.
But, like, these
clips are all very fun
until we find out
that guy's dead.
[ Laughter ] You know?
People went past that box,
and it smelled really bad,
but we're all enjoying
it on TV right now.
I think you solved the mystery.
It's that thing where you have
something you're throwing away
and something valuable
in the same hand,
and then you have to, like,
consciously think, "Okay",
I'm gonna throw this
away, but not my keys.
So he might have thrown
his keys in there.
[ Laughter ]
And he's just trying
to get them back.
- Ah. That's smart.
- I've done that before.
Imagine driving by,
and somebody's screaming from
the box, "I'm stuck in here."
I bought him at a Goodwill
store a week later.
[ Laughter ]
Next up, if you raise
the roof too hard,
people probably gonna
fall out of there.
Tuscumbia Police say Wesley Bost
managed to escape
with an accomplice
after tearing through the
Waffle House like a tornado.
It all happened Sunday
morning, when police believe.
Bost went into the
bathroom, locked himself in,
and tied an article of
clothing to the door.
He then climbed
into the ceiling.
[ Laughter ] [
People screaming ]
- Holy fucking shit.
- [ Laughter ]
What the fuck is he doing?
This is a dumb
motherfucker right here.
After that happened,
police say he took off,
but not without leaving
some evidence behind.
And he left those pants
at the Waffle House.
- [ Laughs ]
- I'm mad 'cause he had
my favorite fucking
restaurant doing this shit.
- The Waffle House?
- I love the Waffle House.
This wasn't even the
craziest thing that happened
at the Waffle
House that morning.
Stay right there!
[ Indistinct shouting ]
As a person that
grew up in Atlanta,
the Waffle House looks like this
every day at about 3:00 a.m.
- Right.
- [ Laughter ]
Of course it's gonna
fall like that.
It's made out of waffles.
[ Laughter ]
Like, I don't want to tell you
how to make your buildings,
but structurally...
You know what?
I wish somebody'd
pointed that out earlier.
[ People screaming ]
What was he hiding again?
He locked himself
in the bathroom
and tied his shirt
around the door.
- Why?
- I don't know what the fuck for.
Right. And then crawled
through the ceiling.
Well, you don't want to be
interrupted sometimes, you know?
Like, he wanted a
nice, smooth movement.
- Yeah.
- At the Waffle House.
- The lock was broken.
- At the Waffle House.
He figured he'd make his own.
And the Waffle House
bathrooms is nasty, right?
Oh, I mean, people
have been eating grits.
You'll be scared to pee
in the motherfuckers.
Like, you go in that,
you got to protect
your dick when you pee.
Like, for real, man. That
motherfucker is nasty.
I like how you use two
hands to protect your dick.
Mine is little. [ Laughter ]
Put a finger down.
Now, y'all know I
always pay my bills.
I'm always on time.
So we'll be right
back after this.
♪ Baby, baby ♪
♪ Baby, baby ♪
Welcome back. What's next, T?
The best lawyers don't
have any commercials,
but the lawyers that do,
they are my favorites.
If you're in trouble, you better
call these guys right here.
- Bryan Wilson, Texas law hawk.
- [ Hawk screeches ]
Bryan Wilson, the
Texas law hawk!
Talons of justice!
[ Grunts ] Due process?
Do wheelies. [ Engine revs ]
[ Laughter ]
I was sort of thinking that
maybe the hawk was the lawyer.
[ Laughter ]
This guy's just standing.
'Cause, you know, when you
show up at the law offices
and there's a hawk there,
you're gonna have
some questions.
This motherfucker right here
riding on a real minibike, man,
trying to get you to come
let him represent you.
If somebody had, like,
a commercial like this,
would you let them rep you?
- Fuck no.
- [ Laughter ]
- Fuck out of here.
- It depends on my crime.
If it's for
disturbing the peace,
you don't want
that bloke, do you,
come in going, "What my
client did was okay!"
- He screams everything.
- [ Laughter ]
Alright, so, these
next lawyers are here
to help you get high
for the holidays.
- ♪ Christmas weed ♪
- ♪ Christmas weed ♪
- ♪ Oh, Christmas weed ♪
- ♪ Oh, Christmas weed ♪
♪ It's still a crime in Texas ♪
- ♪ Oh, Christmas weed ♪
- ♪ Christmas weed ♪
- ♪ Oh, Christmas weed ♪
- ♪ Oh, Christmas weed ♪
♪ That's how I bought a Lexus ♪
- Okay.
- [ Laughter ]
It's good to see Hall
& Oates working again.
[ Laughter ]
I just want to put out a
warning... I smell narc.
This sounds like the
most narc-y song.
Why does he look so unhappy?
Probably because he's still
working with a typewriter
and not a computer.
Okay. [ Laughing ]
Also, do you think the
bloke bought a Lexus
just so it could
rhyme with Texas?
- Yes.
- 'Cause there's no other car.
They're like, "Hey, have
you looked at the Avalon?"
He's like, "No, no, no.
I've got to rhyme this word.
It's very important to me
that you show me one car."
- I have this song in my future.
- This will come in very handy.
It's catchy. I mean, you
know, I would remember it.
Do you think when you get
caught with weed at Easter,
they'd still represent you?
Or are they just a purely
Christmas weed-based company?
[ Laughter ]
'Cause I've had some
Memorial Day weed incidents
that I would like
some help with.
[ Laughter ]
If you ask me, clean-cut
lawyers who drive Mercedes...
They're kind of corny.
I want you to give me one
driving a truck reckless,
like this guy right here.
America is about freedom.
I'm Adam Reposa.
This is my truck.
All I can think is
I'm a lawyer. Why?
- Don't...
- Are you
- get in my...
- in my
- way!
- Way!
I'm a lawyer.
I'm a lawyer! Don't
get in my way!
And if you're
prosecuting my client,
- you...
- This is my truck!
- Are...
- I am a lawyer!
- In...
- I'm out of recovery.
- My way!
- [ Laughter ]
- I'm Adam Reposa.
- Alright.
- Wow.
- I don't care what anyone says,
white people are the
best. [ Laughter ]
So, he's gonna have to
defend himself this point
with all the crimes he just
committed in this video.
I mean, there's so
much wrong with this.
Right.
First off, he says "I am
a lawyer" three times.
At some point, you
start to think,
- "This man's not a lawyer."
- Right.
Like, if your spouse says,
"I am not cheating
on you" three times,
you start to think,
"They're cheating on me."
- Yeah.
- [ Laughs ]
I can't imagine what sex
is like with this guy.
Does he yell his
name every time?
- "I am coming!"
- [ Laughs ]
"You're about to
receive some come."
[ Laughter ]
When I seen him, I
fell in love with him.
I was like, "You know what?
I've got to meet
this motherfucker
to see if he really
is who he say he is."
'Cause I just want
to believe the fact
that this is
actually what it is.
So here today on this show
is lawyer, patriot, and
champion Adam R-R-Reposa.
Adam Reposa, what's
happening, baby?
Glad to have you on the
show, first and foremost.
For your ad, you practice, like,
you know, crazy law or whatnot,
but what is it
that you really do
as far as for people that
come into your office?
What do you provide?
[ Laughter ]
- Alright.
- [ Laughter ]
So I see you got a picture
of my late, great
homeboy Tupac behind you.
So, Adam, I want you to give
us the basic representation
of what you do
and how you do it.
We want to see it
live and direct.
Oh, yeah.
Let me show you a video,
and you tell me what
advice you'd give the guy
if he was your client.
Now, he was pulled over
for allegedly driving drunk
on a riding lawn mower.
♪♪
What's going on?
You know you're in
the road, right?
[ Laughter ] You were.
How much you have
to drink tonight?
- A couple?
- [ Laughter ]
Okay. And you're operating a
motor vehicle, essentially.
You weren't on the side.
I observed you in the
middle of the road.
[ Police radio chatter ]
And back there...
So, I'm gonna ask
you one more time
if you want to do
these exercises?
[ Laughter ]
This motherfucker ain't
got time for no exercises.
What can I say? What can I say?
What advice would you give him?
[ Laughter ]
Unauthorized
highway maintenance.
I like that terminology.
- And it was within the law.
- Mm-hmm.
- [ Laughs ] Mm-hmm.
- That's my kind of lawyer.
We've got to wrap this up,
but we want to thank my main
man, Adam, for coming through.
Adam, you are truly an original,
and if I'm ever in Texas
and if I do a crime,
you're gonna be the first
motherfucker I'll reach out for.
[ Laughter ] But
before I get to that,
I would love for you to
give us your catch phrase,
the shit that you're known for.
Hit us one time with it.
I am a lawyer!
- [ Laughter ]
- We'll be right back.
[ Applause ]
Thank you, Adam.
Thank you, brother.
♪ Baby, baby ♪
♪ Baby, baby ♪
Welcome back.
Tacarra, what criminal behavior
are we digging into next?
And now another episode of
"What's in Your Pants?",
where people think
they're magicians,
but instead of a hat,
they pull all types of
shit out of their pants.
[ Laughter ]
Alright, so this next dude
didn't have a concealed weapon,
but he did have
plenty of concealer.
Watch what happens when
he gets caught by security
after a trip to
the makeup aisle.
Alright, he's taking
it out of his pants?
Yeah.
That's the whole shelf.
You walked into the store
and walked out the aisle,
and the whole shelf was gone.
He's gonna get his ass
beat when he get home
and this girl gonna smell
all that makeup and lip gloss
and shit on him and be
like, "Explain this shit."
How did it get on your
pants by your dick?
I don't want to hear
that shit." [ Laughter ]
"But, baby, I was stealing
some shit for you."
[ Laughter ]
My favorite part of this
whole clip is at the very end,
when, like, he just looks,
and he politely nods.
- That's everything.
- What are you trying to say?
- He's a gentleman thief.
- Yeah.
Like, he's the Thomas
Crown of Sephora.
So, question...
Have you ever bought
something from someone else
that you knew was stolen?
- Definitely.
- I definitely have.
I buy shit all the time
that I know they're stolen.
[ Laughter ]
I'll tell you what, though,
about buying things that
you know are stolen.
I had a friend once who was
shoplifting when we were kids,
and he fucking
shoplifted Tic Tacs.
- Me too. [ Laughs ]
- Right? See?
The security guard goes, "Hey."
And then you step away... ksh!
[ Laughter ]
"What have you got
in your pocket?"
"Nothing." Ksk, ksk!
[ Laughter ]
If you want to shoplift,
take the Mentos.
[ Laughter ]
I took an entire 12-pack...
- Yeah. Ksk-ksk-ksk!
- Of Tic Tacs.
- [ Laughs ]
- Yeah.
And put them in my book bag.
You're a criminal,
but you tasted lovely.
[ Laughter ]
Alright, so, this next lifter
is what I call a meat magician.
- Give me that crap now.
- Oh, no.
He got on a fake-ass
Jerry Rice jersey.
- [ Laughs ]
- Those is ribs.
- He's fitting to barbecue.
- "Hey, man, look here."
We had a bunch of
bitches at the house.
Got that hamburger meat.
That's that hamburger meat
to go with the spaghetti.
That's the motherfucking
hamburger meat
- "to go with the tacos."
- Oh, my God.
- Damn.
- Another rib.
"I got those baby back ribs
that I was gonna sauté them."
[ Indistinct conversations ]
"Then down here in this side,
I got that, uh, pork ribs."
Snoop, he's one of those people
that showed up at the
barbecue with nothing,
and then they like, "Oh,
you can't come in
here with nothing."
- "I'll be right back."
- "I'll be right back."
[ Laughter ]
I thought when you
said meat magicians,
it was like every man, when
they sit on the toilet,
we put our cock and
balls between our legs
and then we go, "I'm
a lady, I'm a lady,"
just to ourselves
as a bit of fun.
- Okay.
- [ Laughter ]
So true, so true.
- Wow.
- Do you guys agree with that?
- Like, I don't know.
- Every man, every man.
- Every man. Okay, okay.
- [ Laughs ]
Alright.
I will have to disagree
with that shit.
- [ Laughter ]
- I was hoping.
I was looking at you like,
"Dude, give me
something here, please."
Enh!
You have never put your
dick between your legs
and done the mangina and go,
"Oh, this is a bit of fun"?
Alright, so next up,
here's a lady who is redefining
the term bottle service.
She's got a lot of room, too.
"Okay. There you go.
Get it together."
I'm gonna get this
one right here,
- "'cause I know they like this."
- This one for my Aunt, you know?
"They like this shit here."
"Now, I'm gonna go ahead
and get this one for Cheryl.
- She likes wine."
- "Uh-huh. Hallelujah.
I'm gonna look suspicious
while I'm doing it, too.
I'm gonna look real suspicious
so nobody knows what I'm doing.
"I'm gonna look
like I'm stealing."
"And I'm gonna pay
for this one here."
"I'm gonna take some more shit.
I've got these
big-ass drawers on.
I'm gonna put something
in my drawers."
Well, they're not gonna
find that for weeks.
[ Laughter ]
She lifted her titty
and put it under it.
You notice how she didn't take
nothing from the bottom shelf?
- She was all like top-shelf shit?
- Yeah.
Sometimes you
over-invite to the party.
I actually feel a lot
of empathy for that.
I want to find out who she is.
You know, Drake sent, what,
six bottles to Charlamagne?
Let's send her 18
bottles of Cuevo.
Do you reckon she emptied
all the bottles out
and then, "Alright, here we
go. Here, have the party."
And then, like two weeks later,
she lifts up a tit up and
a bottle of gin fell out?
[ Laughter ]
"I forgot that was up there."
[ Laughter ]
What's next, my clip stress?
There are all types of crimes,
but the ones that never
get too tired or old
is good, old-fashioned thievery.
It's time for
"Let's Get Lifted."
Rule number one when stealing,
always watch your step,
especially when
you're trying to steal
a manhole cover like this guy.
- A manhole cover?
- Why?
What do you get for this?
There's a black market
for manhole covers.
- There can't be?
- There is. They melt them down.
There can't be.
- You dumb motherfucker.
- Oh!
[ Laughter ]
People don't realize
that's why manholes exist,
- is to stop moments like this.
- Yeah.
- For real?
- [ Laughter ]
- Bring that video back.
- Let me see.
Bring it back.
Ow!
Did it hit his head?
That shit hurt.
- That knee is done.
- Mm!
Do you reckon the guy on
the motorbike knew him?
- That was his getaway ride.
- [ Laughter ]
But what was the point
of stealing the cover?
Did he have a hole near his
house that was uncovered...
[ Laughter ]
That he'd already
previously fallen into?
"I'm tired of getting these
tires fixed." [ Laughs ]
The dude on the bike is, like,
trying to talk some
sense into him.
He's like, "What are you doing?
What do you need this for?"
"Look at you, Jeff.
You've got a manhole
cover on your shoulder.
Man, what happened to you?"
- Maybe the guy lives down there.
- [ Laughter ]
Alright, so now
check out this woman
who almost had a great excuse
for not having her
work done the next day.
♪♪
She's holding on to the charger?
What kind of laptop is that?
Yeah, that can't be an iPad.
Those chargers fall
out if you sneeze.
Oh, they're fighting this
off with chairs and shit.
- Yeah, yeah.
- [ Laughs ]
Look, have you ever seen
someone tame a lion?
The chair is where it's
at, I'm telling you.
I want to go back,
because I want to pay attention
to the bartender first,
'cause he was very
uninterested in the beginning.
Let's watch the
bartender. Look at cuz.
"I'm gonna clean this
shit up real quick.
I'm gonna make me a drink.
Oh, he stole your laptop?"
- [ Laughs ]
- "Oh, he did? Oh, shit."
You gonna get it
back?" [ Laughter ]
"Shit. You got this shit.
- Hey, man, give the shit back."
- "You stop it. You stop."
He's still very uninterested
through this entire ordeal.
Look how he looking.
"Hey, man, are you
saying she's back?
- "Come on, man."
- You know what?
'Cause he the one who
called him and say,
"Hey, somebody here
with a laptop."
Those people who go into
Starbucks with a laptop
are the fucking worst,
and they deserve this.
- What?
- [ Laughter ]
That's what happens
when you overstay?
Oh, my God, these people
who sit there like,
"I'm important, and I'm
writing me a script,"
do it at fucking
home! [ Laughter ]
This is definitely in Amsterdam
or Norway or some shit,
those little-ass tables
and the baby benches.
- [ Laughter ]
- Alright, I got to say,
this restaurant's
food must be shit,
because it's 7:41, and
there's no one in there.
[ Laughter ]
We've got to take a break,
but we'll be right back
with more foolishness
and criminality.
Don't go nowhere.
♪ Baby, baby ♪
Welcome back.
Let's dig into some mentality
of some more criminality.
Tacarra, where you at?
Alright, here's some
people who found out
what goes around
comes back around.
This is "Instant Karma."
Now, this is a delivery
guy about to take off.
This dude rolls up
and pulls out a knife.
Motorcycle, bicycle.
"Hey, man, what's going
on? What's happening?
Finna pull it out,
and I'm finna make you
give me your shit."
He's taking a long time.
"If I can just get it out
of these tight-ass pants."
Oh!
- That's my kind of hero.
- [ Laughs ]
We need to get that
motherfucker on the show.
Whoever just hit
the... in the car,
I want him on the show.
Let's replay this again.
So, that was a delivery
guy coming to deliver food,
and the guy was
coming up to rob him.
You never bring a knife
or a gun to a car fight.
- Yeah.
- [ Laughter ]
- You're not gonna win.
- [ Laughter ]
He took a long time
to get the knife out.
I agree. It took a long
time to get the knife out.
And that guy is on a bike, and
you're on a motored vehicle.
Like, I would have been taken
off by that time, right?
But the motorcycle
was unscathed.
[ Laughs ]
See how that motherfucker
just moved right on time?
Let's see it one more time.
I want to see his whiplash.
- Oh.
- I like this part.
- [ Laughter ]
- But for me...
now you're facing charges.
- Not really.
- No?
- I'm the fuck out of there.
- [ Laughing ]
"It was a black vehicle."
"What was the license?"
"I didn't see.
I just seen the... on
the front, laying back."
[ Laughs ]
And he's not gonna say nothing
'cause you saved him, so okay.
- Thank you.
- Alright.
So, if you see this next
kid come out of an elevator,
turn your ass around
and take the stairs.
♪♪
- Oh, come on, pee-pee.
- He's peeing?
- Look at pee-pee.
- Oh, look at old pee-pee.
Eh, when you got to
go, you got to go.
- But on the buttons?
- He's just gonna hit every floor.
"Let me get the top floor,
too. I'm gonna get the suites."
"Let me get that
fire-alarm button."
- Why is he peeing so much?
- Like, it's just a lot of pee.
You've got to understand,
this is a rite of passage.
We've all done this before.
Now he's got to
touch his own pee.
You see that?
He had to touch his own pee.
Yeah, you can
touch your own pee.
It's other people's
pee that bothers you.
[ Laughs ]
He didn't put enough
thought into this.
That's the problem.
Oh, he short-circuited
this thing
and it doesn't work now, and
he's stuck inside the lift!
[ Laughter ]
Oh, that's where the
karma bit came in.
I understand this segment now.
- Oh, okay.
- [ Laughter ]
So he got stuck in there.
Yes. He short-circuited
the electrical system
when he peed on it,
and now he got to touch
his own pee to get out,
and he's stuck in the elevator.
And with a Chinese movie
that's coming out next week.
[ Laughter ]
Little dumb-ass.
- I think they're in China.
- There they just call it a movie.
Yeah. He's gonna miss the
motherfucking premiere.
Did you see his little
panic move, though?
He said, "Oh!"
When they come and catch him,
you know when you're a
kid and you make up a lie,
you'll be like, "A guy ran in
here and he pissed on the thing",
and I tried to stop him,
but then he left,
and the door shut,
and then I got locked
in." [ Laughter ]
Alright, so, next up,
here is a dude who wanted
to torch a barbershop,
but karma had other plans.
♪♪
[ Screaming ]
[ Laughter ]
There you go. There you go.
- [ Screaming ]
- You got to stop and roll.
[ Laughter ]
He had to kick his
motherfucking shoe off
'cause that
motherfucker was hot.
That's what I always think.
Whenever I see someone
that's just wearing one shoe,
I always think, "They've
probably got a good story."
[ Laughter ]
I just want to point out
when this guy is in jail,
and they're like, "Hey, hey.
You know, I'm tough, man.
I'm tough, I'm tough."
Then they show them
that video, "Aah!"
[ Laughter ]
This you on the TV?
Can we go back to the cut?
Why has he got both
car doors open?
That makes for a bad
getaway. [ Laughter ]
This is a dumb-ass criminal.
First of all, you pull your car
up to the scene of the crime.
You jump out and commit arson,
and then you commit arson
on your dumb-ass self.
Then stayed on the camera
and ran around the back.
He ran into every camera.
- Yes.
- He ran to every camera.
He's like, "I need
to make sure."
It's like that screen
test on your iPhone.
- You want to get the full face.
- [ Laughs ]
- Aah!
- [ Laughter ]
That's it for the show.
I'd like to thank my guests,
the one and only from
the land Down Under,
Jim Jefferies in the
motherfucking house.
And to his left, the
exceptional writer, actor,
director/friend of
mine, Diallo Riddle,
and my magnificent
clip stress, Tacarra.
Stay safe, stay out the way,
and keep them
cameras away from you
if you plan on
doing some crimes,
or your dumb ass is
gonna be on my show.
Peace.
[ Applause ]