Snuff Box (2006–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Love Triangle - full transcript

Matt, Matt, check this out.

- What?
- It's a magic microphone.

Cordless microphone. What the hell
have you got that for?

- It's fun. Let me interview you.
- I'd rather you didn't.

Uh, Mr Berry, what brings you
to this corridor?

Rich, I've got a cracking hangover
and an asshole like a blowlamp.

The last thing I need right now is you.

Mr Berry, is it true
that you recently caused a young lady

to lose her job because she has
one of those bumps on her tummy?

Okay, moving right along.

Mr Berry, is it true that you're
currently dating your sister,



Halle Berry? Any comments?

- Rich, I asked you nicely before.
- No, you didn't.

- Please.
- Folks, Matt's under

a lot of stress right now.

He's had to give half his money away
to the bumpy lady

that he doesn't even know,
in order to buy little people's clothes.

Enough!

She trapped me! It's what all women do!

Okay, Matt and Rich,
British Open commentary.

Coming to you in five, four, three...

I can't be in love if it's plastic

To live on my own just seems tragic

But we'll raise our swords high
when our day comes

You thought it was gold
but it was bronze



So, get here in time
when our day comes

You thought it was gold
but it was bronze

Hey, man, are you ready
to fucking party tonight or what?

No, I can't. I have to go
to the Lord Mayor's Show with Irene.

Why are you talking in my voice?

Why are you talking in my voice?

- How's that?
- Better.

- Your mail, sir.
- Yeah, I'm male.

- You're the best, Ken.
- Thank you, Master Rich.

- You're mail, sir.
- Mmm.

No cigarette smoke in here, Berry.
You know the rules.

- Get fucked.
- Well, I never!

Well, maybe you should
while it still works.

What's the matter with you?

Nothing. I'm as happy as a man
with tits in his hat.

- Is that good?
- Very good.

Hey, Matt, I got invited
to be on Mastermind.

Yeah, me, too.

You're not going, are you?

Uh, no way. Are you going?

Absolutely not.

We are joined again
by Matt Berry from Bedford

who works as a hangman

and answered two
out of a possible 20 questions correctly

on his specialised subject
of Alton Towers.

Your general knowledge round starts now.

Which American president
was assassinated in Dallas, Texas?

Woodrow Wilson.

Incorrect. Who is the current leader
of the Labour Party?

- Nookie Bear.
- Incorrect.

Which female novelist is reported
to have said,

"Once a night keeps the curtains tight"?

Zadie Smith.

Correct. Which was the first black actor
ever to play Othello?

- Morgan Freechild?
- Incorrect.

Keith Deller
and the World Darts Championship

- of 1983...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You launched into that question
far too quickly.

I didn't hear one word of it.
Could you repeat that please?

I'm sorry. I'll reiterate.

Which French author
won the Booker Prize in 1980

with his book, Tricola?

Um...

Uh...

I'm sorry?

Uh, no, I'm sorry, it's probably
my French accent.

- Uh, Jean Michel Jarre.
- Incorrect.

Which American adult actress
broke the world gang bang record

in Denver, Mexico in 2004 with the...

- I've started so I'll..
- I'd rather you didn't.

Really? I was in the middle...

No, I think I've answered
more than enough questions for one day.

Oh, well, done.

Okay, so how's a fellow get out
of this place?

It's blacker than a coalminer's ass.

Would you please remain seated,
Mr Berry? Someone will assist you.

Get your hands off me. Get your hands...

...off me!

Shit. Whisky!

Good morning and afternoon.

Welcome to the British Open,

where golfers and golfing come together

for golfing. Hey, clapping.

Uh, Matt, this is a very difficult shot.
What do you think?

I don't know anything about golf.

Thanks.

Uh, I'm getting something
from my earpiece.

Uh, my neighbour's been kidnapped!

Nice hat!

Oi, off the green!

- Fuck off.
- I said off the green.

Yeah?

Rot rot hubba hubba ding dong do

Hubba hubba do all day

Lap lap lagga lagga ling long lag

Everything went dark
Everybody!

Rot rot hubba hubba ding dong do

Hubba hubba do all day

Lap lap lagga lagga ling long lag

Rich!

Rich!

- Rich!
- Ahh! Oh, uh...

Um, Henry,

I was going to sing your favourite song
this evening,

but unfortunately I can't play
the piano.

Lucky for you.

First, I want to thank everyone
for turning out this evening.

Especially Matt
and my beautiful date, Theresa.

But most importantly,
I'd like to thank Henry,

Club Member of the Year.

But also Henry, Person of the Year.

Henry, Person of the Year.

Henry, Person of the Year.

- Henry, Person of the Year.
- Oh, God.

- Henry, Person of the Year.
- How embarrassing.

- Henry, Person of the Year.
- Chap's lost his marbles.

- His noggin's gone.
- Henry, Person of the Year.

- It's alright, he's done this before.
- Henry, Person of the Year.

- I say, Berry, what the hell's going on?
- Henry, Person of the Year.

It's alright, he's just got stuck.

- Henry, Person of the Year.
- Okay, let's drink.

- Henry, Person of the Year.
- In time.

Henry, Person of the Year.

- Henry, Person of the Year.
- He could go on all day.

Henry...

Hello there, beautiful

- Oh, hello.
- Piss off.

I guess I needed a shorter lead.

- There we are.
- Oh, thank you so much.

You're such a gentlemen.

Well, it has been said that I'm
a gentleman but never a gentle man.

- Can I accompany you on your journey?
- Sure.

I've got to get Scotty
back to my boyfriend and then...

Fuck you!

Seafood! Seafood!

Seafood! Seafood!

Cockles, lots of mussels,
lots of white ones for you

Cockles, lots of mussels,
lots of white ones for you

Right, now, that seafood lad's
been there for years.

Okay, a word of caution.

You eat any of that and you'll be
shitting through the eye of a needle.

Now, we find ourselves at Whitechapel
at the year of our Lord, 1888.

Ar hour ago, the body of a young,
unfortunate woman was found

right there on Buck's Row.

"Nothing strange about that,"
I hear you say.

Thing is, she'd been cut
from belly to gizzard.

Right, I'm gonna take you down
to Hanbury Street

one week after the murder
we've just seen...

Hold up, I'm buzzing.

It's my agent.
You'll have to forgive me.

Starlight Express! Fuck, yes!

There you go, chief.

The stage calls!

Uh...

Jack...the Ripper.

Jack the Ripper, um, was a mean guy.

Ungood, if you will

In fact, he was so mean that
he not only killed his "viketims"...

Oh, no, that wasn't enough.

...he had to steal their wallets
and briefcases as well

Prostitutes didn't carry briefcases
in those days.

You are so fucking naive, little boy.

These women weren't that sex word
that you said.

They were actually
highly trained doctors.

Now, you're probably wondering
who the identity of Jack Rippy is.

And I shall tell you at this point.

It's James Bond!

The super-duper spy.

That's gotta be bullshit.
Can I have my three quid back?

Um, my neighbour's been kidnapped.

Oh! Have a care, chief.

Half-price seafood!

Cockles, winkles, mussels. Half price.

So, what do you use?

Well, I use my girlfriend's Mac.

But given a choice,
I'd sling it, I'd buy a PC any day.

What's wrong with Macs?

Well, they're aimed at kids and posers,
aren't they?

You want a computer
that looks like a computer,

not a fucking cigarette case.

So, why would you say
something stupid like that?

Because I don't like fucking Macs!

What kind of computer
do you use, Rich?

Oh, I use a Mac.

They're much better for making
my squirrel movies.

- Exactly.
- And you prefer the Mac, right?

- Oh, yeah, like I said...
- Not you, you prick. The condemned chap.

I've used both.

You'll have to speak up, fellow.
I can't hear you

with that white hood on.

I've used both at work.

But to be honest, if push came to shove
I'd never use a Mac.

Not only do they look odd...

"Not only do they look odd,
but they... Ooh, my neck hurts."

- Henry, Person of the Year. Henry...
- Not only do they look odd,

I don't think they're as versatile
as a PC.

Fine if you're a teenager.

But I hated being a teenager.

Exactly.
I've always been a PC man myself.

Henry, Person of the Year.
Henry, Person of the Year.

Henry, Person of the Year.

Listen, I know Rich hasn't
finished his toast,

but, uh, why don't we pop upstairs?

I've got a private room up there.

I could show you my hard drive.

Henry, Person of the Year. Henry...

Well, I am Rich's date.

Well, he won't care.

We often sup from the same font.
It gives him something to talk about.

And what doesn't kill you
makes you stronger.

...Person of the Year.
Henry, Person of the Year.

- Henry, Person of the Year.
- I'll get my bag.

You get your bag.

Henry, Person of the Year.

Okay, everybody, let's rock 'n' roll!

- Hey, we good to go, Max?
- Yo!

- We cool for sound, Tommy?
- Yeah, I'm cool

Alright. Hello. Hey.

How you doing? I'm Dick Bent.

Christopher Lee.

Thanks a buttload for coming in
last minute, okay?

You really got me out of a tight spot.

Speaking of tight spots,
meet Candy Blue.

I'm killing myself. Hey, listen.

Candy is the best in the business.
You're in good hand.

I mean, she could suck
for fucking Hoover.

Candy, meet Lee.

Christopher Lee, actually.

Hey, listen,you got all your props?

- Tabasco?
- Yes.

- Oatmeal?
- Yes.

- Monkeywrench?
- Yes.

- You know your lines?
- Of course.

- You horny?
- Yes.

Alright, you don't seem
to be having too much fun, huh?

Treat it like a party. Have a good time.

Hey, do you want
one of these cock sweets?

- No.
- Alright.

Okay, you know the scene.

Do your lines and then waist height,
right, Candy? Okay.

Alright, let's get goin'!

And action, sugar tits!

I don't have enough money
to pay for the pizza.

How am I ever going to repay you?

Okay, slut muff, the time for bullshit
has passed.

'Cause I've heard you like it...

Hey! Cut, cut, cut, cut!

Whoa! Hey. You're scaring her. Huh?

What do you want her to do,
come or shit all over the floor?

You're scaring me, goddamn it!

Look at you! Now, repeat after me.

I am a sexy man-god.

I am a sexy man-god.

I am a sexy fucking man-god.

I am a sexy man-god.

Alright, Candy, come in here.

This is for the money shot, okay?

So no loose change on the floor.

Let's get ready. And cocks ahoy, limey!

What a charming prospect.

The offer of oral copulation
in exchange for pizza.

If only the Battle of Trafalgar

- was won in such a fashion.
- Cut!

Somebody get me a cock sweet.

Frankenstein, you're fired.

Do you think the song's too short?

No, it's great.

I timed it. It's seven seconds long.

Yeah, but it's a kick-ass seven seconds.

That is true.

Do you hear that shit?

Yeah. That sounds like Elton John.

I was told he was in hospital
Dicky ticker.

Well, I'll tick his fucking licker
if he doesn't have a good excuse

for being in our rehearsal room.

Too right.

- Are you ready?
- Yeah.

- Are you focused?
- Uh-huh.

- Is he gonna get it?
- You betcha.

Hey, asshole.
Do you have trouble seeing

through those stupid glasses
of yours, huh?

- What?
- Shut up.

I'm talking to you, dickhead.

Did you look at the schedule?
It says Berry and Fulcher,

eight till late!

- I'm sorry.
- Shut up!

Well, it's 1:00, prick-lick.

I suggest you vamoose it,
and take your rocket man with you.

What's the buzz, Rich?
There's other pianos here.

Shut the fuck up!

Are you deaf as well as blind?

This is our room!
Where we create our magic!

So get the fuck, lady muck!

And what if I refuse?

Oooooh.

Would these help, Elton?

Hmm. "I want my heart pills."

There, you prick.

- You just killed Elton John.
- You killed Elton John.

I just yelled at him!
You put the lid on his fingers!

- You wound him up.
- Well, what the fuck

are we gonna do?

Do you remember how we dealt
with Joe Cocker?

Vaguely. I mostly watched.

Okay, cut his head off with this.
I'll give it to Iqbal

Put the rest of him in this.
We can stick it in the piano.

I'll hold his hair back. Come on!

Right, I'm making an incision
Just below the rapid-exchange

dilation catheter.

Near the descending aorta
so the blood flow doesn't coagulate

into the small diameter graphs
from non-vascular ortologist tissues.

And how long should
the cardiograph construction take?

Mmm, no longer than 10 minutes.

Hold that, please.

God. Look, there's something
diabolical going on in green wing.

I've got leave immediately.

Can you take over, please?

Right. Okay.

Now, uh... Oh, did you see
what I just did there?

It's very important to keep warm hands
during surgery.

This will increase the blood flow
to the cosmic...

dogmastiton.

- The what?
- I haven't got time to repeat things.

There's a life at stake here.

Now, note the colour of the blood
is red, which is highly unusual

See, when the homoglobin is this dark,

it means the patient is very sick.

So we need to get rid of this blood.

Out you go! Out you go!

Out you go!

Doctor, we're losing vitals.
Blood pressure is 90 over 40.

Oh, this is a common reaction
to blood takey-outey.

See, the body needs to grow
new homoglobes,

which should take around
three to five minutes.

You can't grow new blood.

"You can't grow new blood."

What a retard.

- Doctor, we're losing him.
- He's right here.

That's a medical joke you will learn.

You can actually write that down.

- He's flat lining!
- Ah.

This is from the television movies.

We need to perform a heart massage.

Okay. Will this massage have
a happy ending?

You can write that one down as well

Now, notice how gentle she is.

Because the heart will squish
when you squeeze it.

Live, live.

Live, live, live!

Everybody. Live!

Live, live!

He's dead.

Okay.
That concludes our lecture today,

I guess.

Now, the subject of lunch.
They will be serving fish cakes

in the cafeteria.

Fish were invented in 1974,

which is the year
I also lost my virginity.

It's the Victoria Park Hotel
I've got one room there,

but it's only got a single bed.

That sounds alright, doesn't it?
Listen, I'll catch up

- with you later, okay?
- Yeah. Bye, Matt.

- Can't wait.
- It was lovely talking to you.

You, too.

Bye, Tanya.

Oh, Rich, didn't see you there.

Thanks for dinner and the flowers
and writing that song especially for me.

Yeah. Bye.

Tanya.

- What was that all about?
- What was what all about?

You just massively cock-blocked me.

What blocked you?

When one man blocks another man's cock
it's called a cock-block.

I was clearly talking
to that woman first

and then you butted in.

Who gives a shit? It's a free country.

Not in Cockblockovia, it's not.

If I start to talk to someone,
you can't move in!

It's in the cockstitution.

I wasn't gonna do anything.
I've got a girlfriend.

Oh, that's the worst kind.
The cock-blocker with a girlfriend.

It's not enough that you're getting
attention from one girl

No! You have to get attention from mine!

You want to take it up a level?

- Maybe.
- I didn't notice her name

tattooed on your forehead.

I didn't see your name
branded on her ass,

but that doesn't change anything.

- Sit down.
- No.

Sit down!

Well, maybe I am gonna sit down,
but it's not 'cause you told me.

It's because I have shingles in my butt.

That was pretty good.

- Nice guitar.
- Yeah, it's really nice.

Yeah. What's that, Ken?

- Ken wants to speak to you.
- Oh, hey, Ken.

- Oh!
- Cock-block that.

I think you broke my fucking neck!

We are joined
by Mr Rich Fulcher

from America.

He works as an assistant to the hangman.

You have two minutes, Mr Fulcher,
on your chosen subject,

Anglo-Saxon architecture, starting now.

Which part of the post-Roman
Ripon Cathedral still survives?

- The water.
- Incorrect.

Oh...

Sir Whiston's Church houses the tombs
of the rulers of which kingdom?

Kingdom come.

- Incorrect.
- Oh.

All Saints' Church at Brixworth
in Northamptonshire

contained what unusual feature?

- Brixworth. Brixworth. Bricks!
- Incorrect.

The Leaning Tower of Dildo?

Incorrect.

Uh, Toto from the Wizard of Oz?

Incorrect.

- Elvis?
- Incorrect.

- Titties.
- Incorrect.

Did you get through
to the Mastermind Round of Champions?

- Yeah. You?
- Oh, yeah. You gonna go?

No. You?

No.

Yeah, I think the questions
on that show are too easy.

They get easier and easier.

Now, if you wanna know
a really tough show,

it's Jeopardy! I'm a genius at Jeopardy!

And you know what?
I beat my dad all the time.

Granted, he is mentally ill,
and he drools all the time.

I couldn't sleep at nights then

Awoken by the faces
of a thousand dead men

What kind of beast kills for pain?

I knew I'd go to hell on Judgement Day

But why should I be so sad?

The hours are good
and the money's not bad

I think of all the jobs
that I could have gone into

Sweeping up carts,
driving trains to Waterloo

I could've been a painter
or the world's greatest wit

I could've been a sailor
but the hat didn't fit

I'm the hangman

Take my hand

Come with me

It's okay

You'll be free

Matt?

Matt? Matt!

You weren't listening to what I said.

Man, you were white as a ghost
and you had your hands

around your neck and everything.

No, I didn't!

Okay. Wow. What a wound.

Whisky!

How about that? Hey, I'm Tom Dildo
back with you

on Real-Life Bloopers.

And this next bloofer...

I mean blooper!

...was submitted by Charles Clarkson
of Bedford.

Let's take a look, shall we?

Oh, I know this. I know this.

Mr Fulcher, you're clearly unwell

If you remain seated,
we'll get some assistance.

Oh, no, man. I gotta get out of here.

I feel fucking sick.

Your show made me sick!

Henry, Person of the Year.

Henry, Person of the Year.

- Henry, Person of the Year.
- Mr Rich, it's 4am.

- Henry, Person of the Year.
- Time to close up now.

- Henry, Person of the Year.
- Mr Rich!

What a guy.

Theresa?

Matt?

Theresa?

- Ken, have you seen Theresa?
- No.

- Matt?
- No.

Um, Theresa?

Theresa, I'm done with my toast.

Matt? Theresa!

Theresa and Matt!

Hello!

Matt?

Theresa! Where the hell are you?

Oh, yes. Oh, yes!

- Matt?
- What a night!

- A night to remember.
- You're the king, Berry.

Theresa!

- What am I?
- Oh, the king!

Oh, yeah!

- Yes.
- Theresa?

- Don't run out of film.
- Theresa!

- Ah, shit.
- Tanya!

- I was nearly there.
- What the fuck is going on?

Answer me, goddamn it!

I am really hurt!

Rich, either come in and watch,
or get out.

Either way, shut up.

Now, where were we?

- Right there, I think.
- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, yes.
- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, God.
- Oh, you're doing it.

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah!

- Oh, yes.
- I can't do this.

What am I doing?

I'm about to get there!

Oh, God! Oh, Father.

Oh, yes. Oh, God!

Oh, yes! Oh, yes!

Oh, God!

I can't be in love if it's plastic

To live on my own just seems tragic

But we'll raise our swords high
when our day comes

You thought it was gold
but it was bronze

So, get here in time
when our day comes

You thought it was gold
but it was bronze

Get here in time when our day comes

You thought it was gold
but it was bronze

Get here in time when our day comes

You thought it was gold
but it was bronze

Get here in time when our day comes

You thought it was gold
but it was bronze

In the Snuff Box next time...

- Snooker...
- Foul

...piracy,

snakes,

-...and much pleasure.
- Yes!

So if I should die of smallpox

Put my remains in my snuff box

So if I should die of smallpox

Put my remains in my snuff box