Snuff Box (2006–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Oh Brothers - full transcript

You stupid asshole. You'll say anything.

You still driving that stolen Jag?

Yeah, well, Rich is actually with me,
so I'll let him know when I hang up.

Did you get into Windsor Castle?

No. Well, they invited me,
but I said no.

Okay, listen, I'm going underground,
so I'm gonna have to hang up. Bye.

That was Iqbal. He's invited us
to drinks at his on Saturday.

Cool I live just
around the corner from him.

- There's something else he said.
- Uh-huh?

Your dog, uh,
you've got a golden retriever?

- With a...
- Silver bell around his neck.



That's right,
and one ear that goes up...

And the other one goes down,
and the paws go like this.

He's so cute.

Yeah, well, it's dead.
Iqbal's just ran over it,

on his way to get some scratch cards.

No.

That's terrible.

Not according to him. He won a tenner.

Get inside and shut the door.

That's the cunt.

What?

I can't be in love if it's plastic

To live on my own just seems tragic

But we'll raise our swords high
when our day comes



You thought it was gold
but it was bronze

So, get here in time
when our day comes

You thought it was gold
but it was bronze

My name is Rich

and I live in the underwater
kingdom of Atlantis.

My name is Rich
and it's my birthday today.

It's my birthday today.

Your mail, sir.

It's my birthday today, Ken.

Oh boy,
are those all my birthday cards?

- No.
- Oh.

Oh, my aching balls.
My brother's flying in.

Today.

Well, he's not staying here.

Oh, no, I wouldn't want him to.

Good. What's he like,
this brother of yours?

You know how you
used to call me a prick?

I never stopped calling you a prick.

Well, this guy is King Pricko
of Pricksburgh, Cockachusetts.

I mean, this guy is
ten times worse than me.

Can you imagine that?

Woo! Let's party!
I'm in fucking London town!

Yes, and you happen to be in my cab.

- Where you going to, lady?
- Piccadilly Circus, please.

Hey, what a fucking coinkidinki

That's where I'm going, sister!

I'm not your sister.

Yeah, well, I ain't your brother,
either, but after a couple of these,

you'll be calling me Daddy.

See what I mean?

Yes.

Oh. Anne!

Is the green light on?

Course it is. It was the first thing
I tried, you dozy mare.

You've buggered it.

Well, don't get so angry,
I'll call the repair guy.

- Elvis?
- So, Saturday, how about you and me

- and a jumbo peanut butter pizza?
- Elvis.

Hmm. I gotta go.

See you in my dreams.

Hi, little lady.

Howdy.

Mmm. Hi there.

Hi, Elvis. The printer keeps jamming.

Gotcha. Stand back, everybody.

Ooh, fancy that.

Thanks, Elvis.

Thank you very little.

Bye, lad.

Morning, gentlemen.

- Morning.
- Apologies for being late.

I suggest we crack on.

Could you run
the first clip, please, Felix?

Goddamnit, this is the
fucking best, mama!

Mama, I can't sleep.

What's he doing to you, Mama?

Hey, come in, Pat. It's my boy

I can't stop, baby
it's too fucking good.

Oh, Ed,
you're the devil and no mistake.

- But we gotta stop.
- Hey

Why don't we let him watch?

Oh!

What the fuck was that?

That's my dog.

Oh, good God.

Oh, well
Alright, Felix, that's enough.

Well, I've never seen
anything like that.

Not good.

No. No.

No.

Must be something in the water.

What do you mean?

Looks like my brother's coming to stay.

Wow.

What a coinkidink.

Is he the one you said
had a special problem?

Yeah.

Are you gonna take care of him?

No, that's my mother's job.

Now, remember, James,
don't take no guff from your brother.

Make sure he looks after you.

Don't worry, Mum,

my brother loves me
and will look after me.

Do you understand?

What?

Thing is, Rich, he's 80% deaf.

And with disability
comes responsibility.

And if I'm honest,

I can't be arsed, n'est-ce pas?

Uh, yeah, oui, oui.

Sir, there are two gentlemen to see you.

Oh, tell me that's not true.

Geez Louise!

Hey, bro, did somebody
fucking die in here or what?

Where's the Queen
and her faggoty-ass son?

- Huh?
- Is this a birthday surprise?

What? Whose birthday?

- Nobody.
- Hey, bro,

I sat on a goddamn plane
for 12 goddamn hours

to come here and goddamn party!

Let's get some broads and
booze the fuck out of this place!

Yeah! Woo! I gotta piss.

Pleasant trip?

- What?
- Pleasant trip?

Oh, forget it.

This is what I mean.
It's a pain in the arse.

If I don't say anything, he won't.

And we could be sat here for hours.

Wow, he's like one of them zombies.

Man, my throat's
as dry as a gorilla's asshole.

Sir, may I get you
something from the bar?

Yeah, Manuel, you can get me a cattle
prod to zap some life into this place!

Yeah, and get me a big glass full of ice
and fill it with these.

Yeah!

Very well, sir. And young man?

Young man, would you like a drink?

Can I stink?

He'll have milk.

I say, the fucking drinks machine's
on the blink. Anne!

Did you put money in it?

Course I put money in it.
Don't ask such daft questions, woman!

I think the maintenance guy's here,
I'll give him a call

See that you do!

See, your eyes, baby, your eyes
are the gateway to your soul

Charlie! Mr Manson, are you there?

Listen, I gotta go.
Hold that thought, buttercup.

What the hell do you want?

Hi, Charlie.

The coffee machine's on the blink again.

Stand the shit back!

That's like magic.

- Thanks, Charlie.
- You can pay me in hell!

Bye, lad.

Fuck this shit.
Fuck this shit!

Drink, motherfucker,
drink, motherfucker,

drink, motherfucker, drink!

I'll drink in my own time,
thank you very much.

I don't need any advice from you.

Mmm, party!

Woo! Yeah, man!

Why don't you just bugger off,
you spotted denizen of pond life.

Put your money down, don't be a clown.

Hey, find the ace, find the ace.

Right here, motherfucker,
you owe me five, or a drink.

- Drink, motherfucker!
- Look at those two pricks.

Yeah.

Two more. Alright.

You know, last Christmas, I vowed
never to speak to my brother again.

Why, what did he do?

He threatened to kill
our family cat, Mr Winkie,

if I didn't give him $40,000.

Then, he threatened to kill me.

So, you let him kill the cat, obviously.

No, Matt, I couldn't.

I couldn't.

Until I came to London, that cat was
the only goddamn friend I had.

Really.

He holds quite a grudge,
this brother of yours.

Yeah. I shit you not.
He's the reason why I'm so broke.

Explain.

Well, I could only pay half the
$40,000 to not kill the cat,

so the next day, he put my Mr Winkie
in the dishwasher.

So, there really is more than one way
to skin a cat.

- You can be so fucking cruel
- Yeah.

The only reason he came over here

was to collect the rest of the money,
which he knows I don't have,

or to kill me.

I'm a marked man.

I'm gonna snap his neck.

Seems that way.

I gotta piss.

Wrong door!

That's it, old boy, in your own time.

Well, don't be hesitant.

Come on!

Ah, Mr Rich. How nice to see you.

We'll resume this later.

Wormwood, you wouldn't just...
Pick up some...

It would be a pleasure, sir.

Good man.

Now, what seems to be the problem
with you this evening, Mr Rich?

It's my brother, sir.

I think he wants to kill me.

Do you have any proof?

Well, he just came to visit me in London

and he never travels anywhere
unless he wants to kill someone.

He once drove 500 miles
Just to bite the head off a dog.

- For ten bucks.
- Really?

Mr Rich, would you touch
the eye of the salamander?

Sure.

Hey, this feels weird.

What does it do?

Absolutely nothing.

It's just a bit of fun.

This is a snuff box.

One pinch of snuff, and I promise your
brother will be putty in your hands,

as I believe the young people
of London are saying these days.

Thanks, Your Eminence.

Hey, can I stick this up his butt?

Uh... Oh.

Vulgarity. Yes.

Hello, boys.

Oh, Wormwood,
you have let yourself down.

I do apologise, Mr Rich.

There seems to be something of a drought
in Whitechapel this winter evening.

That's okay.

They remind me of my grandma.

Plus, I'm a great kisser.

- Come here.
- Oh, darling.

Wormwood, where the hell
do you think you're going?

We've got a game to play. Sit down.

That's it.

As you were, sir.

Fabulous, yes.

What else you got to offer, sweetheart?

- Let's have a look.
- What is that?

- Good morning, Mr Fulcher.
- Hi.

- How did you sleep?
- Well, it's the same old problem.

I'm still tired.
And my neck hurts like a rancid beast.

Well, I think that by viewing your
sleep patterns on this monitor here,

you might get a better idea
of what's been causing the problems.

Okay.

Hey, that's me!

Yes, that's correct.

Now, at hour one, you seem fine.

A little tossing and turning here
and there, but that's normal

Is that normal?

I just said that.

Oh.

But watch what happens at hour two.

Wow.

You don't remember this happening?

No.

What about this?

Wow.

- Geez.
- And this?

Shit nuts.

- What about this?
- Oh, loose forehand.

My mind's a blank.

Really, you have
no memory of this at all?

Uh-uh.

You were sleepwalking around the bed,
which is rare,

but then you started doing gymnastics.

Wow. I'm really good.

You don't remember doing any of this?

No. I mean, I remember having
this dream about a bear,

but this is all weird.

Well, that might explain this.

Oh, I'm a bear.

I've really never
seen anything like it.

Wow.

Do you think this means that...

Wait. There's more.

I'm going to have to present this
to the Board of Sleeping Disorders.

This is absolutely incredible.

In all of my time of studying sleep,

I have to say that
I've never seen anything like...

You didn't go to sleep at all, did you?

Nope. Grrrr.

I'm a bear. Grrr.

Get out.

Hey, check out the birthday boy's watch.

Yeah, you like it? It's pretty cool

Absolutely. A present from
your sister, am I right?

Oh, no. It was from
Ricky from The Office, you know?

- Oh, right.
- Yeah.

My sis said she
would call later, though.

Hey, it's 2pm.

It's actually 8am.

Oh.

Okay, birthday or not,
we've got a serious job to do.

- Mmm.
- Are you ready?

Yes.

- Are you focused?
- Mmm-hmm.

Surprise!

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to Rich

Happy birthday to you

Oh, man. You assholes.

Who told you guys?

Who do you fucking think?

Did you tell 'em?

Well, it may have been.

Are we going
for a pig's ear after this, or what?

What's a pig's ear?

It means a beer. Do you fancy a beer?

Hell, yeah!

Of course he fucking does.

Can't have a birthday
without getting arseholed.

Ah!

Christ, he got a reprieve.

Should I answer it?

If you would.

Good morning, Home Secretary,
this is Rich Fulcher,

first assistant to the hangman.

Sis?

How the hell
did you get this number?

- Oh, my God.
- It's his sister.

Happy birthday to me, too.

Hey, you guys,
go on without me.

Yeah, I was surprised.

Yeah, we just came in,
they sang that song. The birthday song.

Yeah, and they had poppers
and everything.

And I think we're gonna
go out for a pig's ear later.

That's a beer.

No, I've never had a beer.

- So, do you still like to farm?
- Woo, woo, woo. C'mon, he's dead.

- Woo, woo, woo.
- Oh.

Hey, listen, the guy's brown bread
so we gotta go.

Alright.
So, thanks, Sis, I'll talk to you later.

Yeah, yeah, come on.

Come on, let's get down
the rub-a-dub, the rub-a-dub.

And who should appear
but Margaret Thatcher?

Yeah, alright!

Man, this dude is awesome.

We're gonna be partying in here a lot
when I move in with you.

Alright,
I've got one for you.

What about white dog shit?
You remember white dog shit?

Yeah! It's true!

Yeah, I've got a bit of a theory
where that's concerned.

I think there's some
white dogshit police

that go out at night
and pick this stuff up.

Fuck the shit police, man!

He's with you, is he? Yeah.

I'm gonna sing a song.

This song is called
Why Does My Bathroom Leak?

- Woo! Yeah!
- It goes a bit like this.

Alright! Take it home!

Buy it some flowers!

Yeah, can I play?

I'm not playing.

Yeah, lick it!

Go farmin' with it!

Come on, beat it with a stick!

Oh, shit, I went too far.

Here, take this.

That's good shit.

What is that, Cuban?

Please. Please let me through.

For the love of God!

This is an accident scene, sir.

Are you dying to try a Mingo?

Mingo. Luxury chocolate
that's just so satisfying.

Available in the foyer.

Much of a muchness. Any comments?

Pretty mild, if you ask me.

Oh, yes?

My wife died in a motorcycle
accident only last week.

There was much more blood than that.

Next clip, please, Felix.

Ooh, who could that be?

Hello, my name's DC Lyons.

I was wondering if I could ask you and
your family a couple of questions?

Oh, you've come
about my son's stolen bike.

Uh, yeah.

Well,
it's quite fortunate,

because today happens to be
my mother's 80th birthday,

so all of my family are here.

Oh, that's nice.

- This is Uncle Jack.
- Hello, sir.

- Auntie Pearl.
- Hello.

Mum, I didn't think policemen
carried machine guns.

Yeah?
Well, this one fucking does.

What a mess.
I'd hate to be the maid.

- Yes!
- The maid.

Very good.

Fucking wasps.

Oh, my God.

Dear Lord.

Oh, no.

Alright, Felix.

That's ruined it.

Will not be passed.

On a lighter note, tell me more
about your wife's death.

Oh, yes. Well, she runs straight into
a tree head first...

Now, it's very rare for an artist
to top the pop parade

as well as the classical charts,

but this incredible vocalist has
succeeded in doing just that.

Now, James,
what I find amazing about you

is that you're 80% deaf.

So, when you're playing or composing

you're really just tuning in
to the vibrations that you can feel

Is that correct?

Yes!

Now, this increasingly popular
debut album was recorded in LA

and as you were telling me earlier,

it's already become
a bestseller in France and Spain.

France and Spain!

And you're self-taught, aren't you?

I mean, you're a multi-instrumentalist,

you make all of the sounds yourself.

I'm self-taught!

So, now,
recorded earlier this afternoon,

a live, one-off Whistle Test special

of the second movement
from this best selling album.

I hope you enjoy it.

So, I went to uni in Warwick
and studied Fine Art,

which was just superb,
absolutely loved it.

Ended up coming to London.

And now I work as a curator in a museum,

which is just... Oh! I can't tell you,
I'm so happy to go to work everyday.

Sorry. Anyway. Oh, my God.
I'm doing all the talking.

Tell me about yourself.

Apart from being teetotal,
I don't know anything about you.

Um, I sell rope to the government.

My God, that's so cool!

Mainly to prisons.

Right, yeah, of course.

Uh, the hours, they suit me.

- The money...
- What sort of like a part-time basis?

Hey. Hey, don't I know
you from somewhere?

I don't think so, no.

You play organised softball, don't you?

No.

- Paint ball
- Not me.

Kickboxing.

No.

I swear I know you from... I got it.

You raped me.

That's right.
This guy raped me.

I beg your pardon?

This guy,
I was about to get my car in Holborn,

he was bombed out of his skull

He raped me in my own car.

I'm sorry, this has
gotta be some kind of mistake.

Oh, no mistake.
And then he dragged me into the alley,

he raped me there, right?

And then he said something like
"third time lucky'

and then he raped me in the park.

Okay, okay, that's enough.

That's what I said. "That's enough!"

But he bent me over
and he kept ramming it home.

Ramming it home.
Ramming it, ramming it, ramming it.

The only time he stopped,
was to take a swig of whisky.

And then he kept ramming it,
ramming it, ramming it.

Anyway, I see you two are on a date.

So, listen, it was nice to see you.

If you, uh, ever
want to get in touch, uh...

There you go.

So, the rabbit soup here...

Whisky?

I thought you said you didn't drink.

Whisky!

Who the fuck's
changed me password?

Anne!

See?

Well, did you try turning it off
then on again?

Course I did,you dizzy piece.

That was the first thing I tried.

Well, I'll call Beckham, our IT guy.

I like to draw pictures
of The Lion King and maybe...

David. David.

Back in a minute.

Give over!

Hiya.

Hiya.

Hiya.

Hi, David, thanks.
We've got a password problem.

Right.

Stand back, everybody.

- Oh!
- Ooh.

Thanks, David.

No worries.

Mind how you go, lad. Think on.

Hiya.

Hiya.

What?

I didn't say anything, you prick.

Shall I tell you how Mum's doing?

No, thanks.

Oh, she's doing fine, thanks.

She's joined a gun club.

Excellent.

Excellent.

Gentlemen, I'm going to the bar.

Can I freshen anyone's drinks?

Sure, bro.

I'll have a vodka and coffee.
Hold the salt.

Whisky!

Tres bien.

As you gentlemen know,
I'm off to the States in the morning

to open a home for wayward cats.

- Ooh.
- I just wanted to say,

I've enjoyed your company immensely.

And I love the Queen.

Bye, James. Give my love to our Mum.

And, James... I love you.

Wow. Did he hear all that?

Course he fucking didn't.

Boy, Sir Charles really
saved my ass this time.

- Cheers, Charles.
- Cheers, Chuck.

I can't be in love if it's plastic

To live on my own just seems tragic

But we'll raise our swords high
when our day comes

You thought it was gold,
but it was bronze

So get here in time
when our day comes

You thought it was gold
but it was bronze

Get here in time when our day comes

You thought it was gold
but it was bronze

Yeah!

In the Snuff Box next time...

Music...

Everything went dark

...ladies,

variety and pleasure.

So if I should die of smallpox

Put my remains in my snuff box

So if I should die of smallpox

Put my remains in my snuff box