Snuff Box (2006–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Punchline - full transcript
Matt is furious that Rich keeps ruining the punchlines of his jokes, especially as he keeps his friend supplied with whisky and women.
Hey, Matt, how come you don't have
any female friends?
What?
You know, friends that don't feel like
men when you rub them.
- What are you driving at?
- Nothing. I was just saying...
Yeah? Well, if I was you
I'd watch my tongue.
- Anyway, what's the point?
- Well, you know, Matt,
women have a lot of
different perspectives on life
and a unique emotional intelligence that
their male counterparts don't possess.
Really?
I read that in Cosmo magazine.
It was the only one they had at the vet.
See, I couldn't afford a dentist, and
my tooth is as big as a rabbit's foot.
Some say that's...
- After you.
- No, after you.
- I insist.
- After you.
Adios.
Dickhead.
Hey, do you girls read Cosmo? I do.
I can't be in love if it's plastic
To live on my own just seems tragic
But we'll raise ourselves high
when our day comes
You thought it was gold
but it was bronze
So, get here in time...
So he's climbing up this ladder,
gets to the very top.
His fingers fall off, loses his balance
and falls into the fish tank.
To which the Irish guy says,
"So, does that mean
you're not the Pope?"
Okay, I've got one.
Speaking of fish, as we were.
A man walks into a fish and chips shop,
says, "I'll have fish and chips twice."
And the bloke behind the counter says...
"I heard you the first time."
Good one, Mr Rich.
Speaking of fish, as we were,
this blind man goes to a brothel,
right, and he...
He doesn't finish Ken's punchline
and then he just bursts
straight into mine.
After all I've done for him...
Introduced him to the club,
fed him whisky and women.
Who the hell does he think he is?
I may have to kill him.
...right? So he takes
one long sniff and he goes...
"Hello, ladies."
You can't half tell them,
Mr Rich. Okay, okay.
What did the fish say
when it swam into a cement wall?
"Dam!"
You're a funny dude, Ken.
All right, you couple of
joking brothers, I've got one.
What did the thirsty whale do?
- Dunno.
- No?
- He bit the tail off a submarine...
- And sucked out all the seamen!
You! You! You!
That man has just signed
his own death warrant.
He is now officially a dead man.
That's right, dead. You heard me. Dead.
What? Yes, dead.
Consider him dead. Oh, he's dead.
Definitely dead.
You! You! You!
You!
Hi. I was told to come back on Wednesday
to pick up the silver cowboy boots.
And who asked you to do that?
- Whomever I spoke to on the phone.
- Did you get a name?
No, I didn't.
What is this, d?j?-fucking-vu?
You want to cool your jets, big man.
And watch your language
while you're up there.
Is it just my face, or...
Every time I walk into a shop
to hand over money,
all I receive is backchat
and ball-ache.
If you feel let down,
you're more than welcome
to try somewhere else
for your silver cowboy boots.
I don't want to look elsewhere.
I just want the silver cowboy boots!
Hell's teeth, man!
Slam your fist down in front of me one
more time and see what happens, wee man.
Okay.
This is your Get Out Of Shop Free card.
Or, you can slam your fist down again
and enter another world.
Fucking...
No, no, no!
Mmm...
Oh, hi. The therapist
is going to see you now.
Good.
- How do you do?
- Hi.
I want you to feel
as comfortable as possible,
so please, feel free to
sit anywhere you'd like.
Okay, thanks.
I'd really like you to sit on the sofa.
Okay, so, the thing is, my girlfriend...
Feel free to start at any time.
Okay, so, the thing is,
I can't seem to shake this overall fear
I have of commitment to one woman.
The moment I find something meaningful,
I just want to destroy it or run away.
- Exactly.
- Right.
You're so open and free
with your girlfriend
that it's causing you
to be closed and constricted.
- Is that good?
- It's so good, it's bad.
I'm not following.
You're saying my problem with...
You need to stop talking.
Go on.
Right. Well, maybe I'm fearful of
becoming trapped in a relationship,
- even though it's great.
- I think I know what your problem is.
I don't know
what's the matter with you!
Well, I guess I'm just on the fence?
Ah. You're so on the fence
that you're actually taking a stance
about being on the fence.
No, I'm just on the fence, goddamn it!
Why do you keep contradicting yourself?
I am so not contradicting myself.
Yes, I am!
Yeah, this isn't working. Goodbye.
Wait, I'm so sorry.
Get the hell out of my office!
Come back!
You goddamn piece of shit!
Brad, send in my next client,
and have him stay outside.
Thank you.
Asshole.
Rot rot hobba hobba ding dong do
Hobba hobba do a day
Rot rot hobba hobba ling long log
Everything went dog
Everybody!
Rot rot hobba hobba ding dong dog...
Rich.
Rich. Rich!
Uh, Roger,
I was going to sing your favourite song
this evening,
but unfortunately,
I don't play the banjo.
Lucky for you!
Wait, there's more.
So let me just say Roger,
you're not getting older.
You're getting...
Oh, wait. You are getting older,
you two-balled bitch!
Happy birthday!
What a prick.
I can safely say that has to be
the worst speech I've ever heard.
He's an idiot.
This is going to be a piece of piss.
The room will be mine.
All right. Calm down, calm down.
Okay.
Roger, it's been an emotional evening.
Even the cake's in tears.
Shit. That was my best one.
My God. Uh...
I'll do a limerick. That never fails.
As we all know, Roger is a keen swimmer,
and I understand you're off to Aruba
to swim this weekend.
I'd like to leave you with
some words of wisdom
in the form of a limerick.
A macho young swimmer named Dwyer
Really liked playing with fire
One night in the dark
He swam with a shark...
And his voice is now two octaves higher!
Well, that's it. He's dead.
Fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck!
Enjoy.
Fuck!
Look at that woman over there.
No, you . By the estate agent's.
What? The woman?
She wants to buy a house.
You're so naive. Are you still reading
those women's magazines?
- Yeah!
- Yeah.
You see, where you see champagne,
I see.
She clearly wants to be picked up.
What makes you such an expert?
I wasn't made an expert.
I was born one. Watch this.
So, why would a beautiful woman like you
be looking at flats
in a neighbourhood like that?
What does that mean?
It means
"Why put bay windows on a shithouse?"
Clearly, a woman as beautiful as you
would be living in Kensington Gardens.
- Really? You think so?
- I don't think so. I know so.
That's exactly what my boyfriend
was saying the other day...
Fuck you!
- Can I help, sir?
- Fuck!
I'm not familiar
with that neighbourhood.
- Fuck!
- Can I give you my business card?
Fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
The heart is pure. The mind is pure.
Oh! Fucking hell!
Oh, my good God!
That's disgusting!
Where the hell have you been?
Greece. Oh, I got you this.
Man, I am in some serious poo-shit.
- I've gotta see Belinda.
- Who?
Do you remember that nurse I met when
we had that amazing night at Belushi's?
No.
Well, we went out
a few times after that.
Anyway, two weeks ago,
she asked me to look after her dog.
So I go by her flat, and then I stick
the dog in the trunk of my car.
- Why on earth did you do that?
- It was a short trip.
So, I get a fucking flat on the motorway
just as Ricky from The Office
is driving by.
And he says "Hey, leave your car there,
"I'm going to Greece,
why don't you come with me?"
"Fuck yeah!" says I.
Okay, so that was two weeks ago.
Oh, God. The car's still there.
- With the dog in it.
- Yeah.
- With the dog in...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
I'm in Fuck City!
Belinda's gonna skin me alive!
I don't know whether to puke or piss,
but I gotta piss.
Calm down.
Okay, what you did was stupid,
cruel, and unusual,
but it wasn't your fault.
Deliver this. Hold on!
- Wait for a reply.
- All right.
Jesus. Kill that bug out of your ass.
Hey, Ken. Better out than in.
Come on, man.
Remember what I've told you.
Not bad, Wormwood, but you've got a weak
left foot, and it always lets you down.
I'm a fool to myself, Sir Charles.
You really are.
Oh, hello, Mr Rich. You look ill.
- I've seen better days, Your Highness.
- That must be for me.
Good God!
I'm an animal lover,
but there's a black humour at the heart
of this I just can't ignore.
- What say you, Wormwood?
- Hell's bells.
Well, I hope Greece was worth it, mate.
Hey, how did you know I went to Greece?
Never mind that.
Listen, Wormwood. I'm slightly peckish.
You couldn't just, uh...
Say no more, Master Highness.
So, Mr Rich. Describe this dog to me.
Well, he's a Scottish terrier,
he's got little black eyes,
a short tail, cute little ass.
Anything like that one?
Fuck me with a stick! Scruffy!
Well, that was quick, Wormwood.
Now, Mr Rich, would you do me the honour
of staying for supper?
As you can see,
there's no dogs on the menu.
Wow!
There may be no dogs,
but there sure are a lot of hot bitches!
- Mr Rich.
- Sorry. Can I still stay?
Of course.
Yeah! Let's party!
Hey, all right.
Let's get that thing off.
Let's get slaughtered. What?
Hey, I've got a third nipple.
Hi, how are you?
Oh, been in the wars, it seems.
Yeah. Uh, I'm a bit sore.
I'm not violent. I'm really not.
It was me that was beaten up, actually.
I didn't think you were violent, babe.
Too smart for anything like that,
I should imagine.
Well, I can't be that smart.
Every time I come in this shop,
I seem to...
Forget it.
I quite like the bruise.
It makes you look interesting,
yet with a kind of naive charm.
Really? No one's ever said
anything like that before.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sure you
didn't come in here to chat to me.
- What did you want?
- No, it's fine.
I came in to pick up
some silver cowboy boots.
- Oh, so you're Matt.
- Yeah.
I've got them here.
I picked them up myself this morning.
I think you'll look great in them.
I've rolled with the punches
Graduated from
the school of hard knocks
Seen the stars at the end of a fist
I tried to walk away
but I couldn't resist
But that was the way till now
You put a spell on me
and I don't know how
Something here is strange
but I think I am in love
It's taken me some time
I see heaven from above
As soon as you walked in
I knew you were the one
Well, I'm the only guy
who can express himself in song
I can't be in love if it's plastic
To live on my own just seems tragic
But we'll raise ourselves high
when our day comes
Here we have gold
where we had bronze
Are you going to sing or what?
I can't, man! You broke my fucking nose.
If I'm honest,
I think you're making a fuss.
This won't stop bleeding. I gotta piss.
Come in.
Come in!
Hey, be cool, man.
I just came in to hang.
Sorry, uh... Matt Berry.
Yeah, it's great to meet you at last.
I've seen you a couple of times
in The Body Shop,
but I didn't want to bother you.
It's all cool swing.
- You guys making a record?
- Yes, but I keep losing my tempo.
Kind of harbours the output.
Hi. I'm learning how to play the guitar
so I can write my own songs
without you hitting me.
- Cool, man. I'll give you lessons.
- Oh, no thanks.
Mrs Winkleman from the local church
is teaching me.
No offence, homeboy,
but you could be shit,
and not know one end of this bastard
from the next.
Mrs Winkleman, however, does.
- So you're turning him down?
- What do you mean?
Just 'cause you don't like Winkleman...
That's Jimi Hendrix, you idiot!
- It's all cool, man.
- So fucking what?
Here, asshole, catch this.
I bet you can't play Kumbaya.
I knew it!
The stupid asshole's playing it
upside down.
Didn't you learn nothin'
in the projects, bro?
As soon as I said that,
I knew I was wrong.
I should have shown him more respect.
What did you say to me? Huh?
Show me some respect, motherfucker.
- Does this fat boy belong to you?
- Yeah. He's not showing you respect
because he doesn't know
who you are, okay?
I think we should all take a cool tool.
- Cool.
- Cool.
It really was
a truly memorable evening.
I was unconscious, he was naked,
and the other guy was dead.
Now,
to call Andrew Lloyd Webber tight
is an understatement.
I've seen this bastard
peel an orange in his pocket.
Some say that Andrew Lloyd Webber's ego
matches his bank balance.
Well, if that's the case, Andrew, when
you go to the bar, make mine a double.
This is going well.
There's no way he's going to
ruin my joke this time.
No way in hell.
I'm reminded of a joke.
How many composers does it take
to change a light bulb?
- How many?
- I'll tell you, my friend.
The answer is five.
Stick, stick, stick
Got to be quick, quick, quick
Buy your kids a stick, stick, stick
You can use it like a sword
or a knife or a fork
But you got to be quick, quick, quick
#And buy your kids a stick
Buy your kids a fucking stick.
I'm taking control
Of your body
What? Yes!
Well, bless my soul
Oh! Shit!
I'm so hungry
Huh! Come on!
Slowin' it down
Yes! Ah!
Touchin' it up
Ooh, huh!
You're makin' those sounds
What? Uhh!
The sounds of love
Get! Out!
I'm taking control
Oh!
Of your body
Well, bless my soul
I'm so hungry
Smoothin' it down
Feelin' it up
You're makin' those sounds
The sounds of love
Ooh
#Just right
Fuck!
Fuck!
- Fuck!
- Shit!
- Fuck!
- Shit!
- Fuck!
- Shit!
Horse piss!
- Fuck!
- Shit!
Horse piss!
- Fuck!
- Shit!
- Horse piss!
- Son of a two-balled bitch.
- Fuck!
- Shit!
Horse piss!
- Son of a two-balled bitch.
- Motherfucker.
- Fuck!
- Shit!
Horse piss!
- Son of a two-balled bitch.
- Motherfucker.
- Fuck!
- Shit!
Horse piss!
- Son of a two-balled bitch.
- Motherfucker.
- Fuck!
- Shit!
Horse piss!
- Son of a two-balled bitch.
- Motherfucker.
- Fuck!
- Shit!
Horse piss!
- Son of a two-balled bitch.
- Motherfucker.
I can't be in love if it's plastic
To live on my own just seems tragic
We'll raise our swords high
when our day comes
We thought it was gold
but it was bronze
So get me in time
When our day comes
You thought it was gold
but it was bronze
Get here in time
When our day comes
You thought it was gold
but it was bronze
- Fuck!
- Shit!
Horse piss!
- Son of a two-balled bitch.
- Motherfucker.
- Fuck!
- Shit!
Horse piss!
- Son of a two-balled bitch.
- Motherfucker.
- Fuck!
- Shit!
- Horse piss!
- Son of a two-balled bitch.
In the Snuff Box next time...
Dancing bears,
turbans, explosives, and snuff.
This is a snuff box.
So if I should die of smallpox
Put my remains in my snuff box
If I should die of smallpox
Put my remains in my snuffbox
any female friends?
What?
You know, friends that don't feel like
men when you rub them.
- What are you driving at?
- Nothing. I was just saying...
Yeah? Well, if I was you
I'd watch my tongue.
- Anyway, what's the point?
- Well, you know, Matt,
women have a lot of
different perspectives on life
and a unique emotional intelligence that
their male counterparts don't possess.
Really?
I read that in Cosmo magazine.
It was the only one they had at the vet.
See, I couldn't afford a dentist, and
my tooth is as big as a rabbit's foot.
Some say that's...
- After you.
- No, after you.
- I insist.
- After you.
Adios.
Dickhead.
Hey, do you girls read Cosmo? I do.
I can't be in love if it's plastic
To live on my own just seems tragic
But we'll raise ourselves high
when our day comes
You thought it was gold
but it was bronze
So, get here in time...
So he's climbing up this ladder,
gets to the very top.
His fingers fall off, loses his balance
and falls into the fish tank.
To which the Irish guy says,
"So, does that mean
you're not the Pope?"
Okay, I've got one.
Speaking of fish, as we were.
A man walks into a fish and chips shop,
says, "I'll have fish and chips twice."
And the bloke behind the counter says...
"I heard you the first time."
Good one, Mr Rich.
Speaking of fish, as we were,
this blind man goes to a brothel,
right, and he...
He doesn't finish Ken's punchline
and then he just bursts
straight into mine.
After all I've done for him...
Introduced him to the club,
fed him whisky and women.
Who the hell does he think he is?
I may have to kill him.
...right? So he takes
one long sniff and he goes...
"Hello, ladies."
You can't half tell them,
Mr Rich. Okay, okay.
What did the fish say
when it swam into a cement wall?
"Dam!"
You're a funny dude, Ken.
All right, you couple of
joking brothers, I've got one.
What did the thirsty whale do?
- Dunno.
- No?
- He bit the tail off a submarine...
- And sucked out all the seamen!
You! You! You!
That man has just signed
his own death warrant.
He is now officially a dead man.
That's right, dead. You heard me. Dead.
What? Yes, dead.
Consider him dead. Oh, he's dead.
Definitely dead.
You! You! You!
You!
Hi. I was told to come back on Wednesday
to pick up the silver cowboy boots.
And who asked you to do that?
- Whomever I spoke to on the phone.
- Did you get a name?
No, I didn't.
What is this, d?j?-fucking-vu?
You want to cool your jets, big man.
And watch your language
while you're up there.
Is it just my face, or...
Every time I walk into a shop
to hand over money,
all I receive is backchat
and ball-ache.
If you feel let down,
you're more than welcome
to try somewhere else
for your silver cowboy boots.
I don't want to look elsewhere.
I just want the silver cowboy boots!
Hell's teeth, man!
Slam your fist down in front of me one
more time and see what happens, wee man.
Okay.
This is your Get Out Of Shop Free card.
Or, you can slam your fist down again
and enter another world.
Fucking...
No, no, no!
Mmm...
Oh, hi. The therapist
is going to see you now.
Good.
- How do you do?
- Hi.
I want you to feel
as comfortable as possible,
so please, feel free to
sit anywhere you'd like.
Okay, thanks.
I'd really like you to sit on the sofa.
Okay, so, the thing is, my girlfriend...
Feel free to start at any time.
Okay, so, the thing is,
I can't seem to shake this overall fear
I have of commitment to one woman.
The moment I find something meaningful,
I just want to destroy it or run away.
- Exactly.
- Right.
You're so open and free
with your girlfriend
that it's causing you
to be closed and constricted.
- Is that good?
- It's so good, it's bad.
I'm not following.
You're saying my problem with...
You need to stop talking.
Go on.
Right. Well, maybe I'm fearful of
becoming trapped in a relationship,
- even though it's great.
- I think I know what your problem is.
I don't know
what's the matter with you!
Well, I guess I'm just on the fence?
Ah. You're so on the fence
that you're actually taking a stance
about being on the fence.
No, I'm just on the fence, goddamn it!
Why do you keep contradicting yourself?
I am so not contradicting myself.
Yes, I am!
Yeah, this isn't working. Goodbye.
Wait, I'm so sorry.
Get the hell out of my office!
Come back!
You goddamn piece of shit!
Brad, send in my next client,
and have him stay outside.
Thank you.
Asshole.
Rot rot hobba hobba ding dong do
Hobba hobba do a day
Rot rot hobba hobba ling long log
Everything went dog
Everybody!
Rot rot hobba hobba ding dong dog...
Rich.
Rich. Rich!
Uh, Roger,
I was going to sing your favourite song
this evening,
but unfortunately,
I don't play the banjo.
Lucky for you!
Wait, there's more.
So let me just say Roger,
you're not getting older.
You're getting...
Oh, wait. You are getting older,
you two-balled bitch!
Happy birthday!
What a prick.
I can safely say that has to be
the worst speech I've ever heard.
He's an idiot.
This is going to be a piece of piss.
The room will be mine.
All right. Calm down, calm down.
Okay.
Roger, it's been an emotional evening.
Even the cake's in tears.
Shit. That was my best one.
My God. Uh...
I'll do a limerick. That never fails.
As we all know, Roger is a keen swimmer,
and I understand you're off to Aruba
to swim this weekend.
I'd like to leave you with
some words of wisdom
in the form of a limerick.
A macho young swimmer named Dwyer
Really liked playing with fire
One night in the dark
He swam with a shark...
And his voice is now two octaves higher!
Well, that's it. He's dead.
Fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck!
Enjoy.
Fuck!
Look at that woman over there.
No, you . By the estate agent's.
What? The woman?
She wants to buy a house.
You're so naive. Are you still reading
those women's magazines?
- Yeah!
- Yeah.
You see, where you see champagne,
I see.
She clearly wants to be picked up.
What makes you such an expert?
I wasn't made an expert.
I was born one. Watch this.
So, why would a beautiful woman like you
be looking at flats
in a neighbourhood like that?
What does that mean?
It means
"Why put bay windows on a shithouse?"
Clearly, a woman as beautiful as you
would be living in Kensington Gardens.
- Really? You think so?
- I don't think so. I know so.
That's exactly what my boyfriend
was saying the other day...
Fuck you!
- Can I help, sir?
- Fuck!
I'm not familiar
with that neighbourhood.
- Fuck!
- Can I give you my business card?
Fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
The heart is pure. The mind is pure.
Oh! Fucking hell!
Oh, my good God!
That's disgusting!
Where the hell have you been?
Greece. Oh, I got you this.
Man, I am in some serious poo-shit.
- I've gotta see Belinda.
- Who?
Do you remember that nurse I met when
we had that amazing night at Belushi's?
No.
Well, we went out
a few times after that.
Anyway, two weeks ago,
she asked me to look after her dog.
So I go by her flat, and then I stick
the dog in the trunk of my car.
- Why on earth did you do that?
- It was a short trip.
So, I get a fucking flat on the motorway
just as Ricky from The Office
is driving by.
And he says "Hey, leave your car there,
"I'm going to Greece,
why don't you come with me?"
"Fuck yeah!" says I.
Okay, so that was two weeks ago.
Oh, God. The car's still there.
- With the dog in it.
- Yeah.
- With the dog in...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
I'm in Fuck City!
Belinda's gonna skin me alive!
I don't know whether to puke or piss,
but I gotta piss.
Calm down.
Okay, what you did was stupid,
cruel, and unusual,
but it wasn't your fault.
Deliver this. Hold on!
- Wait for a reply.
- All right.
Jesus. Kill that bug out of your ass.
Hey, Ken. Better out than in.
Come on, man.
Remember what I've told you.
Not bad, Wormwood, but you've got a weak
left foot, and it always lets you down.
I'm a fool to myself, Sir Charles.
You really are.
Oh, hello, Mr Rich. You look ill.
- I've seen better days, Your Highness.
- That must be for me.
Good God!
I'm an animal lover,
but there's a black humour at the heart
of this I just can't ignore.
- What say you, Wormwood?
- Hell's bells.
Well, I hope Greece was worth it, mate.
Hey, how did you know I went to Greece?
Never mind that.
Listen, Wormwood. I'm slightly peckish.
You couldn't just, uh...
Say no more, Master Highness.
So, Mr Rich. Describe this dog to me.
Well, he's a Scottish terrier,
he's got little black eyes,
a short tail, cute little ass.
Anything like that one?
Fuck me with a stick! Scruffy!
Well, that was quick, Wormwood.
Now, Mr Rich, would you do me the honour
of staying for supper?
As you can see,
there's no dogs on the menu.
Wow!
There may be no dogs,
but there sure are a lot of hot bitches!
- Mr Rich.
- Sorry. Can I still stay?
Of course.
Yeah! Let's party!
Hey, all right.
Let's get that thing off.
Let's get slaughtered. What?
Hey, I've got a third nipple.
Hi, how are you?
Oh, been in the wars, it seems.
Yeah. Uh, I'm a bit sore.
I'm not violent. I'm really not.
It was me that was beaten up, actually.
I didn't think you were violent, babe.
Too smart for anything like that,
I should imagine.
Well, I can't be that smart.
Every time I come in this shop,
I seem to...
Forget it.
I quite like the bruise.
It makes you look interesting,
yet with a kind of naive charm.
Really? No one's ever said
anything like that before.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sure you
didn't come in here to chat to me.
- What did you want?
- No, it's fine.
I came in to pick up
some silver cowboy boots.
- Oh, so you're Matt.
- Yeah.
I've got them here.
I picked them up myself this morning.
I think you'll look great in them.
I've rolled with the punches
Graduated from
the school of hard knocks
Seen the stars at the end of a fist
I tried to walk away
but I couldn't resist
But that was the way till now
You put a spell on me
and I don't know how
Something here is strange
but I think I am in love
It's taken me some time
I see heaven from above
As soon as you walked in
I knew you were the one
Well, I'm the only guy
who can express himself in song
I can't be in love if it's plastic
To live on my own just seems tragic
But we'll raise ourselves high
when our day comes
Here we have gold
where we had bronze
Are you going to sing or what?
I can't, man! You broke my fucking nose.
If I'm honest,
I think you're making a fuss.
This won't stop bleeding. I gotta piss.
Come in.
Come in!
Hey, be cool, man.
I just came in to hang.
Sorry, uh... Matt Berry.
Yeah, it's great to meet you at last.
I've seen you a couple of times
in The Body Shop,
but I didn't want to bother you.
It's all cool swing.
- You guys making a record?
- Yes, but I keep losing my tempo.
Kind of harbours the output.
Hi. I'm learning how to play the guitar
so I can write my own songs
without you hitting me.
- Cool, man. I'll give you lessons.
- Oh, no thanks.
Mrs Winkleman from the local church
is teaching me.
No offence, homeboy,
but you could be shit,
and not know one end of this bastard
from the next.
Mrs Winkleman, however, does.
- So you're turning him down?
- What do you mean?
Just 'cause you don't like Winkleman...
That's Jimi Hendrix, you idiot!
- It's all cool, man.
- So fucking what?
Here, asshole, catch this.
I bet you can't play Kumbaya.
I knew it!
The stupid asshole's playing it
upside down.
Didn't you learn nothin'
in the projects, bro?
As soon as I said that,
I knew I was wrong.
I should have shown him more respect.
What did you say to me? Huh?
Show me some respect, motherfucker.
- Does this fat boy belong to you?
- Yeah. He's not showing you respect
because he doesn't know
who you are, okay?
I think we should all take a cool tool.
- Cool.
- Cool.
It really was
a truly memorable evening.
I was unconscious, he was naked,
and the other guy was dead.
Now,
to call Andrew Lloyd Webber tight
is an understatement.
I've seen this bastard
peel an orange in his pocket.
Some say that Andrew Lloyd Webber's ego
matches his bank balance.
Well, if that's the case, Andrew, when
you go to the bar, make mine a double.
This is going well.
There's no way he's going to
ruin my joke this time.
No way in hell.
I'm reminded of a joke.
How many composers does it take
to change a light bulb?
- How many?
- I'll tell you, my friend.
The answer is five.
Stick, stick, stick
Got to be quick, quick, quick
Buy your kids a stick, stick, stick
You can use it like a sword
or a knife or a fork
But you got to be quick, quick, quick
#And buy your kids a stick
Buy your kids a fucking stick.
I'm taking control
Of your body
What? Yes!
Well, bless my soul
Oh! Shit!
I'm so hungry
Huh! Come on!
Slowin' it down
Yes! Ah!
Touchin' it up
Ooh, huh!
You're makin' those sounds
What? Uhh!
The sounds of love
Get! Out!
I'm taking control
Oh!
Of your body
Well, bless my soul
I'm so hungry
Smoothin' it down
Feelin' it up
You're makin' those sounds
The sounds of love
Ooh
#Just right
Fuck!
Fuck!
- Fuck!
- Shit!
- Fuck!
- Shit!
- Fuck!
- Shit!
Horse piss!
- Fuck!
- Shit!
Horse piss!
- Fuck!
- Shit!
- Horse piss!
- Son of a two-balled bitch.
- Fuck!
- Shit!
Horse piss!
- Son of a two-balled bitch.
- Motherfucker.
- Fuck!
- Shit!
Horse piss!
- Son of a two-balled bitch.
- Motherfucker.
- Fuck!
- Shit!
Horse piss!
- Son of a two-balled bitch.
- Motherfucker.
- Fuck!
- Shit!
Horse piss!
- Son of a two-balled bitch.
- Motherfucker.
- Fuck!
- Shit!
Horse piss!
- Son of a two-balled bitch.
- Motherfucker.
I can't be in love if it's plastic
To live on my own just seems tragic
We'll raise our swords high
when our day comes
We thought it was gold
but it was bronze
So get me in time
When our day comes
You thought it was gold
but it was bronze
Get here in time
When our day comes
You thought it was gold
but it was bronze
- Fuck!
- Shit!
Horse piss!
- Son of a two-balled bitch.
- Motherfucker.
- Fuck!
- Shit!
Horse piss!
- Son of a two-balled bitch.
- Motherfucker.
- Fuck!
- Shit!
- Horse piss!
- Son of a two-balled bitch.
In the Snuff Box next time...
Dancing bears,
turbans, explosives, and snuff.
This is a snuff box.
So if I should die of smallpox
Put my remains in my snuff box
If I should die of smallpox
Put my remains in my snuffbox