Snuff Box (2006–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Matt's Diary - full transcript
Hey, Matt, can I borrow £600?
What the hell for?
I wanna go home.
No.
But my whole family is dying.
They've got colon cancer.
Too bad.
Yeah, but you won most
of my money anyway.
Did you know that it costs only
200 quid to build a school in Africa?
I read that this morning.
Yeah, but that would
Just be some wooden hut.
You need a pool, kids love to swim.
Okay, pick up the money.
Your turn.
Wow, that was fun.
How much do you think is there?
About ten schools' worth.
Hey, look. Blood money.
Ooh, boy.
I can't be in love if it's plastic
To live on my own just seems tragic
But we'll raise our swords high
when our day comes
You thought it was gold
but it was bronze
So, get here in time
when our day comes
You thought it was gold
but it was bronze
- Thank you.
- Cheers.
If you had to live life over again,
would you do it the same way?
Absolutely.
Bullshit.
For you, maybe, my friend,
but I wouldn't change a thing.
So, for instance,
every time you were late for a train,
you wouldn't wanna change that at all?
Nope. Being late
can make you mysterious.
Right.
What about every time a girl dumped you?
You'd wanna live that over, too?
Well, it's only ever happened once,
and I was glad.
What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
Yeah, right.
What about that time you
got caught in your dad's study
Jerking off over a map of Scotland?
That was particularly painful
But not as bad,
I tell you, as the time...
How the hell did you know that?
You bastard.
"October 3rd.
"Can't believe how much bigger my thing
looks after burning off my pubes."
"April 15th.
"The RE teacher came over
today with a hose pipe.
"Fun, fun, fun."
"April 12th.
"I don't know whether my feelings
for Dave are real or not.
"I'm too afraid to act on them.
"May 1st.
"Today was the day my uncle touched me
in that special place."
"May 15th.
"I keep having these dreams about
having sex with a rabbit,
"and she looks like my mom"!
Oh, this shit is priceless!
Hi there.
I was wondering if
you could possibly help me?
Of course.
I came in last week to find
the sales assistant
who ordered me the silver cowboy boots.
Do you know, this is
my first day here, luvvy.
I'd love to help, but I know nothing.
Yeah, but all I need to know
from that sales assistant
is when these boots are due to turn up.
Like I said, sweetheart,
I'd love to help, but I wouldn't know
who to ask or where to look.
I really don't know
my arse from my elbow.
Well, surely it would just be
a phone call to your boss
or whomever deals with orders?
Like I said, it's my first day.
I don't have any numbers,
I wouldn't even know who to ring.
Okay. Well, you've obviously done your
best with the knowledge you have.
Don't mention it.
We got there in the end.
Dozy bastard.
"Dozy bastard"?
What did you call me? "Dozy bastard"?
Me? I didn't say a word, luvvy.
Shit.
Hey, you liked December, old farts?
Well, January's gonna blow
your fucking asses off!
"January 1st.
"Today I shot my first dog.
"Does this mean
I'm gonna be a serial killer?
"What would I choose for my last meal?
"Will I have scampi or rabbit?"
How could you read out my diary?
And let all these men laugh at me?
I'm so sick and tired of your bullshit
You've run out of gas in your cockpit
And after all that I have done for you
I gave you a home, food, booze, too
And this is how you betray me
You sit there and read out my diary
How could you read out his diary?
It warrants a police inquiry
And after all that he has done for you
He gave you a home, food, booze, too
And this is how you've repaid him
If he killed you
we would not blame him
So be on your guard
tonight in your bed
By tomorrow morning you could be dead
Watch your back, I'm watching you
We were a team and now we're through
Be on your guard tonight in your bed
By tomorrow morning
you could be dead
No!
Oh, oh!
"And what about fox?
"Fox tastes just like chicken.
"May 5th. I think I'm a werewolf..."
I think I'm gonna have a heart attack.
Hey!
I'll find you, you bastard!
London's not that big!
Hello.
Can I help you with that?
- Are you sure?
- Absolutely.
My lady is in distress
and I'm here to rescue her.
Thanks.
They say chivalry's dead,
but I think you're making a pretty
strong case for its revival
Well, I'm always ready
to help a beautiful lady.
I help the ugly ones as well,
but I'd definitely say
you're in the former camp.
Where am I taking this?
Well, it's only a few streets away,
I'm moving in with my boyfriend.
Fuck you!
You'll never believe what
happened at work to...
Oh, shit.
What the fuck is going on?
Answer me.
I am really upset.
What the fuck is going on?
Awkward Moments of your life
Awkward Moments coffee.
For those moments that are
Just too awkward for words.
Are you two having an affair?
Never too late to pretend, my love
Never too late to fake what we have
Uh, it sounds fantastic,
but it's just the wrong vibe.
Yeah, you know why?
It sounds too much like opera.
It needs to be more rock and roll
Does that make sense?
Yeah, okay. I'll have one more stab.
Alright, hey,
your fingers, finger boy,
I have gotta piss.
May the Lord forgive my disturbance.
Bloody hell
I'm David Bowie.
Is it alright if
I borrow a music stand?
'Cause we've only got the one next door.
Of course you can. Matt Berry.
You can take whatever you like.
You look busy.
I'm nut deep in Aladdin Sane right now.
God willing, I may even have a hit.
But, hey, it's only rock and roll, eh?
That's good. Funny.
- Excuse me.
- Hey, I hope you fellows don't mind,
but I heard the
Never Too Late To Pretend number,
and I think it may be a good idea
to translate what you've already
written on the piano, onto guitar,
because you've got this
country vibe going on,
and the piano will
certainly not suit it.
Well, that's the exact opposite
of what he said.
Well, he may be wrong, you know.
Man was built but from clay.
Where do you get off, lady?
Whoa. Watch your style.
No, you watch your style.
Coming in here with
your fake male haircut
and your rock and roll attitude.
You know, we're songwriters,
goddamn it.
We write songs. That's what we do.
I don't know what you do.
Blow everyone in the band?
He's American.
I don't think he knows who you are.
That was a joke, right?
No, Matt, that was not a joke.
I joke about fake vomit
and whipped cream.
I don't joke about
this right here, okay?
You know what's a joke, is you!
Because you are a poor excuse
for an asswipe, goddamn it!
You know, it takes a weaker
man to curse the Good Name.
Your partner here seems to
have taken a smoother path.
Maybe you should join him,
or at least let him carry you.
Enjoy your afternoon, gentlemen.
Sorry about all that, David.
It's alright, Matt,
it's not your fault.
Here's your payroll for this week.
May I take your order?
I'll have a barbecue sandwich and some
french fries, please.
Hey, Solly, get me a number 12!
You want a drink?
A Diet Coke, please.
And a Diet Coke, Solly!
So, uh, nice day, huh, little boy?
How about giving up that Diet Coke, huh?
Listen, if you don't give me
that drink in five seconds,
I'm gonna shove it up your
big brown ass, comprende?
Here you go.
Listen, I'm telling you,
two more seconds...
...right up the brown ass,
you know what I mean?
So, you go on
the swings today, little boy?
Christ on a horse, Solly,
it's a sandwich,
not a goddamn redwood tree!
Come on! I'm not shitting around, Solly,
I'm telling you, that sandwich is going
right up your brown ass, Mr Greengrass!
Boy, two seconds...
...that would've gone right up there.
Right up the...
Hey! You forgot your french fries.
Solly, my fist and your ass
are getting married!
Who the hell ordered that thing?
You, apparently.
I did no such thing,
you leather-skinned bastard.
I don't even know what it is.
It's a fucking jukebox.
I kind of ordered it in your name.
Oh, God.
I say, this simply will not do, sir!
Not only is this man a non-member,
he is also an American.
And the rules of this club
are quite clear on this.
And as for the language,
I've not heard the like
since Rommel paid our company
a surprise visit in Tripoli.
And now I am informed he has
ordered a jukebox!
What say you, sir?
Apologise to the lady, Rich.
I'm sorry, miss.
I beg your pardon?
Oh, I think you heard me, sir.
Or did Rommel deafen you
when he made his surprise entry?
Oh, really!
So, why don't you just piss off
to your dominos, and stop cheating.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
That's it, old chap.
Just got a bit excited, that's all
Had too much dinner.
Just give me the gun.
Good man.
Now, give me my fucking diaries.
What the...
Get your hands off me,
you silly old fruit.
That's not a bad cup of coffee.
Awkward Moments of your life
Awkward Moments of your life
So, why would you get into a fight
over some fucking silver cowboy boots?
I mean, it's not a matter
of life and death or anything.
Yeah, well, it's easy for you to say.
The guy was pretty quick with his mouth.
Yeah, well, apparently, he was quick
with his hands, too.
Don't even begin to tell me you've
forgotten the white hood.
I'm sorry.
Well, let's hope your eyes
don't pop out, pal
Oh, God.
Whoa!
Nice one!
You totally saved my ass.
Oh, sky me.
You're a diamond geezer.
Oh, hi.
Yes, could I speak to the most
senior police guy on the Scotland Yard
police squad police place?
You know what? Uh, forget it.
I'm sorry to have wasted your time.
No, sir. Yes, sir. Bye, sir.
- What was that all about?
- Oh, nothing.
Um, have you ever confessed to a priest?
Of course I fucking haven't.
I gotta piss.
Step and turn.
Step and turn.
Step and... That's very good.
Yes, you have got the hang of this,
haven't you?
Ah, Mr Rich. How wonderful to see you.
I was just teaching Wormwood
the beguine.
Do you dance, sir?
Only when I'm shit-faced.
Really?
And what's the
matter with you,young man?
Well, I read Matt's diary.
Which I know is bad.
But I came across this entry.
Ever since I read it,
I've had trouble sleeping.
I get these really bad
fucking nightmares
- where I scream and shit the...
- Sir.
- Do you want me to, uh...
- Oh, yes, Wormwood.
I'll leave the choice to your good self.
Now, Mr Rich. This diary, may I see it?
Yeah, sure.
Right there.
Should I have gone to the police?
Absolutely not.
Tell me you've not done so.
No. I wouldn't know what to say.
Good God.
This must remain a secret,
not only for Matt's sake,
but now your own.
Mr Rich.
The entries written
on the pages of this diary
are truly blood-curdling
and stomach-churning.
They are depraved
to a rank so superhuman,
it would be considered
by some as fanciful
The red rat never rushes.
Did that make sense?
- Did what make sense?
- What I just said.
I haven't heard you say anything.
What am I doing here?
I recognise you. You're the guy
in the picture in the club.
Excellent.
Have you eaten, Mr Rich?
What did you have in mind?
How about some Italians?
Wow, can I have olive oil on that?
- Hello.
- Hi.
- How are you?
- You're beautiful
- Let's party!
- Indeed.
Now, the track you're about to play
from your new album,
which was recorded in LA,
and deals with the theme of loss,
and in particular,
the loss of your brother.
Uh, it's weird, because I'd never really
thought about suicide before,
mainly because, you know,
I never knew anybody
who'd actually killed themselves.
But last year, my brother Fraser
took his own life.
And the only way I’ve been
able to deal with that
is actually through music.
And what's the piece called?
It's called The Empty Room.
The Empty Room. Thanks, Matt.
I hope you enjoy it.
Do I have enough to play now?
Read 'em and weep, suckers!
It's your move.
Allow me.
Checkmate.
Never fuck with a man's diary.
Lady, are you okay?
What kind of an asshole would
do something like this?
This one. Get up.
You know what I want.
Hand me those diaries.
I guess not.
Hey, how many of those
fucking whiskies have you had, man?
So, what are you up to tonight?
It's the middle of the week.
"Over the hump" night.
Yeah. Irene's dragging me to the opera,
so I need to get plastered
to sit through that shit.
You?
I'll probably just stay here
and watch the quiz.
They don't allow me to play,
but I like to watch.
Or maybe I'll catch
Inspector Horse on TV.
I like that one.
It's Inspector Morse.
Listen, we were gonna go with
another couple, but they pulled out.
- Forget it.
- What?
- You'd need a date.
- What do you mean?
Casanova Fulcher can't get
a date at the last minute?
You are talking to the Zen master.
You don't have any free hands.
I know, but I look like Jesus.
- Plus, I'm a great kisser.
-"A great kisser". Yeah.
Captain Quickfinch has got
his daughters with him,
so I'm gonna get stuck
in there for five minutes,
while you get dialing.
Hello, Arne?
Hi, it's Rich.
What do you mean, how
did I get your number?
I called your work Friday late,
and you were gone.
Yeah, and then I said
it was an emergency
and I needed your mobile,
and they gave it to me.
You practically gave me your number.
Wait, don't hang up.
Hello, Sarah? Yeah, it's...
Tunnel
I was wondering if you wanted
to go to the opera?
Yeah, with me.
What... Hello?
So, do you think you can make it?
Sure, it'll be loads of fun.
There'll be lots of singing and shit.
Yeah.
No, I don't think you
should bring your boyfriend.
Yeah, I met you about a year ago
on the Tube in Holborn.
Yeah, you were pretty drunk.
I held your head while you vomited.
Prick tease. Slut. Jerk.
Listen, I know you've got
chemo therapy tomorrow,
but can't you breakaway
for one fucking night?
Hello?
Another tunnel
Hello there.
You must be Quickfinch's granddaughter.
You're much better-looking than he is.
Imagine trying to kiss that.
They look heavy.
Let me take these to your table.
Thank you, handsome.
- The gin and tonic's for my sister Ruth.
- Okay.
- This one is for Stacy.
- Hello.
And if you could hand
this one to my boyfriend.
Fuck you.
Whisky!
Yeah, that's great.
Perfect. About 8:00.
Yeah. Bye.
Piece of piss.
I am back in the saddle, big boy.
That was your sister, wasn't it?
Yeah. Like I said, I'm a great kisser.
What the hell is this?
What is the matter with you?
This is clearly bullshit.
I can't be in love if it's plastic
To live on my own seems tragic
We'll raise our swords high
when our day comes
You thought it was gold,
but it was bronze
So get here in time
When our day comes you
You thought it was gold
but it was bronze
Get here in time
When our day comes
You thought it was gold
but it was bronze
I've seen more than enough of this shit.
I'm off.
In the Snuff Box next time...
- Cursing...
- Fuck.
...ladies,
dancing,
and pleasure.
So if I should die of smallpox
Put my remains in my snuff box
So if I should die of smallpox
Put my remains in my snuff box
What the hell for?
I wanna go home.
No.
But my whole family is dying.
They've got colon cancer.
Too bad.
Yeah, but you won most
of my money anyway.
Did you know that it costs only
200 quid to build a school in Africa?
I read that this morning.
Yeah, but that would
Just be some wooden hut.
You need a pool, kids love to swim.
Okay, pick up the money.
Your turn.
Wow, that was fun.
How much do you think is there?
About ten schools' worth.
Hey, look. Blood money.
Ooh, boy.
I can't be in love if it's plastic
To live on my own just seems tragic
But we'll raise our swords high
when our day comes
You thought it was gold
but it was bronze
So, get here in time
when our day comes
You thought it was gold
but it was bronze
- Thank you.
- Cheers.
If you had to live life over again,
would you do it the same way?
Absolutely.
Bullshit.
For you, maybe, my friend,
but I wouldn't change a thing.
So, for instance,
every time you were late for a train,
you wouldn't wanna change that at all?
Nope. Being late
can make you mysterious.
Right.
What about every time a girl dumped you?
You'd wanna live that over, too?
Well, it's only ever happened once,
and I was glad.
What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
Yeah, right.
What about that time you
got caught in your dad's study
Jerking off over a map of Scotland?
That was particularly painful
But not as bad,
I tell you, as the time...
How the hell did you know that?
You bastard.
"October 3rd.
"Can't believe how much bigger my thing
looks after burning off my pubes."
"April 15th.
"The RE teacher came over
today with a hose pipe.
"Fun, fun, fun."
"April 12th.
"I don't know whether my feelings
for Dave are real or not.
"I'm too afraid to act on them.
"May 1st.
"Today was the day my uncle touched me
in that special place."
"May 15th.
"I keep having these dreams about
having sex with a rabbit,
"and she looks like my mom"!
Oh, this shit is priceless!
Hi there.
I was wondering if
you could possibly help me?
Of course.
I came in last week to find
the sales assistant
who ordered me the silver cowboy boots.
Do you know, this is
my first day here, luvvy.
I'd love to help, but I know nothing.
Yeah, but all I need to know
from that sales assistant
is when these boots are due to turn up.
Like I said, sweetheart,
I'd love to help, but I wouldn't know
who to ask or where to look.
I really don't know
my arse from my elbow.
Well, surely it would just be
a phone call to your boss
or whomever deals with orders?
Like I said, it's my first day.
I don't have any numbers,
I wouldn't even know who to ring.
Okay. Well, you've obviously done your
best with the knowledge you have.
Don't mention it.
We got there in the end.
Dozy bastard.
"Dozy bastard"?
What did you call me? "Dozy bastard"?
Me? I didn't say a word, luvvy.
Shit.
Hey, you liked December, old farts?
Well, January's gonna blow
your fucking asses off!
"January 1st.
"Today I shot my first dog.
"Does this mean
I'm gonna be a serial killer?
"What would I choose for my last meal?
"Will I have scampi or rabbit?"
How could you read out my diary?
And let all these men laugh at me?
I'm so sick and tired of your bullshit
You've run out of gas in your cockpit
And after all that I have done for you
I gave you a home, food, booze, too
And this is how you betray me
You sit there and read out my diary
How could you read out his diary?
It warrants a police inquiry
And after all that he has done for you
He gave you a home, food, booze, too
And this is how you've repaid him
If he killed you
we would not blame him
So be on your guard
tonight in your bed
By tomorrow morning you could be dead
Watch your back, I'm watching you
We were a team and now we're through
Be on your guard tonight in your bed
By tomorrow morning
you could be dead
No!
Oh, oh!
"And what about fox?
"Fox tastes just like chicken.
"May 5th. I think I'm a werewolf..."
I think I'm gonna have a heart attack.
Hey!
I'll find you, you bastard!
London's not that big!
Hello.
Can I help you with that?
- Are you sure?
- Absolutely.
My lady is in distress
and I'm here to rescue her.
Thanks.
They say chivalry's dead,
but I think you're making a pretty
strong case for its revival
Well, I'm always ready
to help a beautiful lady.
I help the ugly ones as well,
but I'd definitely say
you're in the former camp.
Where am I taking this?
Well, it's only a few streets away,
I'm moving in with my boyfriend.
Fuck you!
You'll never believe what
happened at work to...
Oh, shit.
What the fuck is going on?
Answer me.
I am really upset.
What the fuck is going on?
Awkward Moments of your life
Awkward Moments coffee.
For those moments that are
Just too awkward for words.
Are you two having an affair?
Never too late to pretend, my love
Never too late to fake what we have
Uh, it sounds fantastic,
but it's just the wrong vibe.
Yeah, you know why?
It sounds too much like opera.
It needs to be more rock and roll
Does that make sense?
Yeah, okay. I'll have one more stab.
Alright, hey,
your fingers, finger boy,
I have gotta piss.
May the Lord forgive my disturbance.
Bloody hell
I'm David Bowie.
Is it alright if
I borrow a music stand?
'Cause we've only got the one next door.
Of course you can. Matt Berry.
You can take whatever you like.
You look busy.
I'm nut deep in Aladdin Sane right now.
God willing, I may even have a hit.
But, hey, it's only rock and roll, eh?
That's good. Funny.
- Excuse me.
- Hey, I hope you fellows don't mind,
but I heard the
Never Too Late To Pretend number,
and I think it may be a good idea
to translate what you've already
written on the piano, onto guitar,
because you've got this
country vibe going on,
and the piano will
certainly not suit it.
Well, that's the exact opposite
of what he said.
Well, he may be wrong, you know.
Man was built but from clay.
Where do you get off, lady?
Whoa. Watch your style.
No, you watch your style.
Coming in here with
your fake male haircut
and your rock and roll attitude.
You know, we're songwriters,
goddamn it.
We write songs. That's what we do.
I don't know what you do.
Blow everyone in the band?
He's American.
I don't think he knows who you are.
That was a joke, right?
No, Matt, that was not a joke.
I joke about fake vomit
and whipped cream.
I don't joke about
this right here, okay?
You know what's a joke, is you!
Because you are a poor excuse
for an asswipe, goddamn it!
You know, it takes a weaker
man to curse the Good Name.
Your partner here seems to
have taken a smoother path.
Maybe you should join him,
or at least let him carry you.
Enjoy your afternoon, gentlemen.
Sorry about all that, David.
It's alright, Matt,
it's not your fault.
Here's your payroll for this week.
May I take your order?
I'll have a barbecue sandwich and some
french fries, please.
Hey, Solly, get me a number 12!
You want a drink?
A Diet Coke, please.
And a Diet Coke, Solly!
So, uh, nice day, huh, little boy?
How about giving up that Diet Coke, huh?
Listen, if you don't give me
that drink in five seconds,
I'm gonna shove it up your
big brown ass, comprende?
Here you go.
Listen, I'm telling you,
two more seconds...
...right up the brown ass,
you know what I mean?
So, you go on
the swings today, little boy?
Christ on a horse, Solly,
it's a sandwich,
not a goddamn redwood tree!
Come on! I'm not shitting around, Solly,
I'm telling you, that sandwich is going
right up your brown ass, Mr Greengrass!
Boy, two seconds...
...that would've gone right up there.
Right up the...
Hey! You forgot your french fries.
Solly, my fist and your ass
are getting married!
Who the hell ordered that thing?
You, apparently.
I did no such thing,
you leather-skinned bastard.
I don't even know what it is.
It's a fucking jukebox.
I kind of ordered it in your name.
Oh, God.
I say, this simply will not do, sir!
Not only is this man a non-member,
he is also an American.
And the rules of this club
are quite clear on this.
And as for the language,
I've not heard the like
since Rommel paid our company
a surprise visit in Tripoli.
And now I am informed he has
ordered a jukebox!
What say you, sir?
Apologise to the lady, Rich.
I'm sorry, miss.
I beg your pardon?
Oh, I think you heard me, sir.
Or did Rommel deafen you
when he made his surprise entry?
Oh, really!
So, why don't you just piss off
to your dominos, and stop cheating.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
That's it, old chap.
Just got a bit excited, that's all
Had too much dinner.
Just give me the gun.
Good man.
Now, give me my fucking diaries.
What the...
Get your hands off me,
you silly old fruit.
That's not a bad cup of coffee.
Awkward Moments of your life
Awkward Moments of your life
So, why would you get into a fight
over some fucking silver cowboy boots?
I mean, it's not a matter
of life and death or anything.
Yeah, well, it's easy for you to say.
The guy was pretty quick with his mouth.
Yeah, well, apparently, he was quick
with his hands, too.
Don't even begin to tell me you've
forgotten the white hood.
I'm sorry.
Well, let's hope your eyes
don't pop out, pal
Oh, God.
Whoa!
Nice one!
You totally saved my ass.
Oh, sky me.
You're a diamond geezer.
Oh, hi.
Yes, could I speak to the most
senior police guy on the Scotland Yard
police squad police place?
You know what? Uh, forget it.
I'm sorry to have wasted your time.
No, sir. Yes, sir. Bye, sir.
- What was that all about?
- Oh, nothing.
Um, have you ever confessed to a priest?
Of course I fucking haven't.
I gotta piss.
Step and turn.
Step and turn.
Step and... That's very good.
Yes, you have got the hang of this,
haven't you?
Ah, Mr Rich. How wonderful to see you.
I was just teaching Wormwood
the beguine.
Do you dance, sir?
Only when I'm shit-faced.
Really?
And what's the
matter with you,young man?
Well, I read Matt's diary.
Which I know is bad.
But I came across this entry.
Ever since I read it,
I've had trouble sleeping.
I get these really bad
fucking nightmares
- where I scream and shit the...
- Sir.
- Do you want me to, uh...
- Oh, yes, Wormwood.
I'll leave the choice to your good self.
Now, Mr Rich. This diary, may I see it?
Yeah, sure.
Right there.
Should I have gone to the police?
Absolutely not.
Tell me you've not done so.
No. I wouldn't know what to say.
Good God.
This must remain a secret,
not only for Matt's sake,
but now your own.
Mr Rich.
The entries written
on the pages of this diary
are truly blood-curdling
and stomach-churning.
They are depraved
to a rank so superhuman,
it would be considered
by some as fanciful
The red rat never rushes.
Did that make sense?
- Did what make sense?
- What I just said.
I haven't heard you say anything.
What am I doing here?
I recognise you. You're the guy
in the picture in the club.
Excellent.
Have you eaten, Mr Rich?
What did you have in mind?
How about some Italians?
Wow, can I have olive oil on that?
- Hello.
- Hi.
- How are you?
- You're beautiful
- Let's party!
- Indeed.
Now, the track you're about to play
from your new album,
which was recorded in LA,
and deals with the theme of loss,
and in particular,
the loss of your brother.
Uh, it's weird, because I'd never really
thought about suicide before,
mainly because, you know,
I never knew anybody
who'd actually killed themselves.
But last year, my brother Fraser
took his own life.
And the only way I’ve been
able to deal with that
is actually through music.
And what's the piece called?
It's called The Empty Room.
The Empty Room. Thanks, Matt.
I hope you enjoy it.
Do I have enough to play now?
Read 'em and weep, suckers!
It's your move.
Allow me.
Checkmate.
Never fuck with a man's diary.
Lady, are you okay?
What kind of an asshole would
do something like this?
This one. Get up.
You know what I want.
Hand me those diaries.
I guess not.
Hey, how many of those
fucking whiskies have you had, man?
So, what are you up to tonight?
It's the middle of the week.
"Over the hump" night.
Yeah. Irene's dragging me to the opera,
so I need to get plastered
to sit through that shit.
You?
I'll probably just stay here
and watch the quiz.
They don't allow me to play,
but I like to watch.
Or maybe I'll catch
Inspector Horse on TV.
I like that one.
It's Inspector Morse.
Listen, we were gonna go with
another couple, but they pulled out.
- Forget it.
- What?
- You'd need a date.
- What do you mean?
Casanova Fulcher can't get
a date at the last minute?
You are talking to the Zen master.
You don't have any free hands.
I know, but I look like Jesus.
- Plus, I'm a great kisser.
-"A great kisser". Yeah.
Captain Quickfinch has got
his daughters with him,
so I'm gonna get stuck
in there for five minutes,
while you get dialing.
Hello, Arne?
Hi, it's Rich.
What do you mean, how
did I get your number?
I called your work Friday late,
and you were gone.
Yeah, and then I said
it was an emergency
and I needed your mobile,
and they gave it to me.
You practically gave me your number.
Wait, don't hang up.
Hello, Sarah? Yeah, it's...
Tunnel
I was wondering if you wanted
to go to the opera?
Yeah, with me.
What... Hello?
So, do you think you can make it?
Sure, it'll be loads of fun.
There'll be lots of singing and shit.
Yeah.
No, I don't think you
should bring your boyfriend.
Yeah, I met you about a year ago
on the Tube in Holborn.
Yeah, you were pretty drunk.
I held your head while you vomited.
Prick tease. Slut. Jerk.
Listen, I know you've got
chemo therapy tomorrow,
but can't you breakaway
for one fucking night?
Hello?
Another tunnel
Hello there.
You must be Quickfinch's granddaughter.
You're much better-looking than he is.
Imagine trying to kiss that.
They look heavy.
Let me take these to your table.
Thank you, handsome.
- The gin and tonic's for my sister Ruth.
- Okay.
- This one is for Stacy.
- Hello.
And if you could hand
this one to my boyfriend.
Fuck you.
Whisky!
Yeah, that's great.
Perfect. About 8:00.
Yeah. Bye.
Piece of piss.
I am back in the saddle, big boy.
That was your sister, wasn't it?
Yeah. Like I said, I'm a great kisser.
What the hell is this?
What is the matter with you?
This is clearly bullshit.
I can't be in love if it's plastic
To live on my own seems tragic
We'll raise our swords high
when our day comes
You thought it was gold,
but it was bronze
So get here in time
When our day comes you
You thought it was gold
but it was bronze
Get here in time
When our day comes
You thought it was gold
but it was bronze
I've seen more than enough of this shit.
I'm off.
In the Snuff Box next time...
- Cursing...
- Fuck.
...ladies,
dancing,
and pleasure.
So if I should die of smallpox
Put my remains in my snuff box
So if I should die of smallpox
Put my remains in my snuff box