Sneakerheads (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Match - full transcript

♪ Play on, boom boom ♪

Hey.

Jesus Christ, man.
Why don't you leave me the fuck alone?

No, I won't. Okay? I refuse
to see you go out like this.

I will get a restraining order.

Not if you hear the news I gotta tell you.

You know what? I'm not doing this.
Not at work.

Wait, wait, wait. Okay, listen, I got
a text message from Hot Dog Daddy 2.

He's willing to give us
a clue for the Zeros

in exchange for a pair of Oregon 4s.

Where the fuck
you gonna get some Oregon 4s?



I thought you'd never ask.
Nori's got a guy.

There's no way Nori's down
with this bullshit.

He's right. I've got a guy.

What's up, Devi Dev?

Long time no see, man.

-All right.
-Wow, Devin. You're really back.

Uh…

Yeah, man.

Um, is there anything new?

We gotta Keurig in the kitchen.

There's always been a-a Keurig…
in the kitchen.

Nothing then, I-I guess.

Okay, Jack.

I'm gonna go down.



'Kay. Have you got laid yet?

Office party, like,
about a year ago. Susie.

♪ Yeah I surf, yeah I surf ♪

♪ …catching waves
Yeah, I surf, nice ♪

♪ Bitches got into my bones
They like church, church ♪

♪ Double dipping in the race
That's my work ♪

♪ Ah, whoo ♪

♪ Yeah that's my word
That's my word ♪

♪ All these basic chickens
On my nerves, on my nerves ♪

♪ I might grab the biscuit
Then go swerve, uh ♪

♪ All these blue notes call me
Papa Smurf, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Flexing for the turf ♪

♪ All praises to the 15th and the first ♪

♪ Some with Ds ain't no curse
Yeah, we ready ♪

♪ Super high now beam me up
To Captain Kirk, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Sheesh, she the worst
She the worst ♪

♪ Sheesh, she the worst
She the worst ♪

♪ Sheesh, she the worst
She the worst ♪

Um, hello! The Lovely Bones, anyone?

Yo, Three Kings? You really gonna make
me say Three Kings?

I'm sorry, are we acting
like Transformers is not a thing?

Ooh, Departed. Legendary movie.

Mark Wahlberg has never acted
a day in his life

- Aw, that's disrespectful.
- Are you kidding?

Mark Wahlberg just plays Mark Wahlberg.

There's Boston Mark Wahlberg.
There's cop Mark Wahlberg.

There's unnecessarily cranky
Mark Wahlberg.

They're all just Mark Wahlberg.

The guy has an Oscar nomination.

The key word is nomination.

And why is he always out of breath?

You just salty
'cause he took your wife out.

-That's what we doing?
-Wait. Marky Mark was banging your wife?

- She was an extra… on Rock Star.
- Uh-huh.

They had a brief conversation at craft.
That's it.

He probably doesn't even remember her.

Y'all ran into him at Starbucks,

and he remembered
how she takes her coffee.

Like he can't just guess cream and sugar

and be right 80% of the time?

Wait. Can someone explain to me. Why are
we talking about him in the first place?

Just follow my lead all right?
And don't be a dick.

He doesn't respond well to negativity.

What? Why-Why are you telling me
to not be a dick?

You be a dick sometimes.

Yo, yo, yo, it's been a minute.

-Hey, what's going on?
-I am not a dick.

You would be on the cover
of Dickly magazine.

Tell Stevie I need a pair
of those Wu Tang Dunks ASAP, okay?

Okay, yeah, he can definitely get them
but the rush is gonna cost.

The only pair I know about
is all the way in Shanghai.

Just let me know, all right?
And, uh, is that Wahlberg's house?

-Tell him I said what's up.
-Okay, talk soon.

-Mark. Good to see you!
-Stevie! Come on in, girlfriend.

He just called her Stevie?

Is Mark Wahlberg her dude?

You know, I'm still doing
that four a.m. thing.

Yo.

-How-How are you? All right.
-Great, how are you?

Hey, listen I-- I, um, kinda wasn't
expecting strangers today,

but it's all good. Any friend
of Stevie's is a friend of mine.

You StevieKickz, ain't you? I knew it.

No, you didn't.

Okay, maybe I didn't.

But I shoulda seen the clues.

Oh M God.

This is exactly how
I dreamt it would be.

You know, I play an actor
on the big screen,

but my true passion is collecting.

Is that--

Oh yeah,
that's an original popcorn machine.

Ringling Brothers Barnum & Bailey,
circa 1928.

Wait a minute, you look familiar.
You from Boston?

-Nah.
-Nah, hold on.

No, we've definitely met somewhere before.

-Nah.
-I'll figure it out.

I always do.

Oh man, I'm running behind.
My weekly game is in about 10 minutes.

-You guys are welcome to hang. Wanna hang?
-For sure, yeah!

-Yeah, totally.
-I'm pretty sure I live here now-- Ow!

Awesome, listen, I'm gonna run upstairs
and change. Feel free to fuel up.

I got an omelet bar in the back corner,
so hit that up.

- Eat up, guys.
- Come on.

Hey, thank you so much,
Mr. Mark Wahlberg.

Mark Wahlberg just offered us
omelets for free.

So? They're just eggs.

He could've offered us a sweet
to go with our savory.

Like a crepe or waffle.

Oh, and I almost forgot.
There's a waffle bar, too.

I can't just offer you a savory option.
I mean come on.

Mm, it's 'cause you're ungrateful.
You're ungrateful.

I can't believe you ain't tell me
you was StevieKickz.

Think it's easy being a female
in this game?

No, but you ain't gotta lie about it.

-What's up, papi?
-Is that cilantro I taste?

100%.

This is really incredible though.

I wonder how much he got
in his checking account right now.

Think he ever, like, forget to transfer
from his savings?

Get hit with an overdraft
or something like that?

Well, he clearly hasn't managed
the large square footage properly.

Does he even have a pool?

Hey,
you guys can jump in the pool.

It's heated to 98.6,
body temp, super comfy.

Oh, and there's a swimsuit room
underneath the sundae bar.

Hit that up too if you want.

Ridiculous. You're not supposed
to eat ice cream

before you get in the pool.

Everybody knows that.

You're pathetic.

Oh, okay.

Very mature, Bobby.

You got saltwater
all over my omelet, but guess what?

Joke's on you,

'cause salt makes eggs taste better.

Can we just get the shoes
and go, please?

Afraid it's not gonna be that easy.
They're currently his favorite pair.

How the fuck we gonna get 'em then?

Just follow my lead.

You know those are Oregon 4s, right?

No disrespect,
but you not about to hoop in those?

Hoop?

Hell no. No, I play tennis now.

Wait, what?

Yeah a couple months ago
I played in these,

and I had the match of my life.
I haven't lost in them since.

Oh.

My boy, Marshawn, just hit me up.
He can't make it.

Now I'm down one.
Hey, you up for it, Dev?

You know what? My day is loaded, so--

How is that even possible? You just quit
your job, remember? Go ahead and play!

Bobby said you can play, so play!

Are you sure you wanna run?
I mean, you got a hell of a physique man.

Is that all natural? Because if it is,
I can hook you up

-with some of my personal pro--
-Fuck this… I'm out.

Hey, Devin!

Devin! Yo, you can't leave.

-Ay, you can't leave.
-Why? He will not give up those shoes

-as long as he's winning.
-Exactly.

You kick his ass, he won't want 'em
no more, you can get 'em back.

You know what? That's a great idea.

You should really start marketing yourself
as, "Hi, my name is Bobby,

I will fuck up your life
in less than a week."

-He smashed your wife.
-He did not smash my wife.

You know how horny people get
at craft services?

Hovering around Nutri-Grain bars
and the peanut butter filled pretzels.

You just gotta think about everything
we've been through. Okay?

We get the Oregon 4s, we fuckin'
this much closer to getting the Zeros.

All you gotta do is play him
in one game. That's it.

Come on man,
think about how far we've come.

We here. We right here.

Is-Is that a yes?

-Yes.
-Yes! Okay.

Mr. Stuey, I presume?

Yes.

Welcome to Mr. Wahlberg's wing
of relaxation and leisure.

Would you care for a personalized robe?

Do I actually need to answer that?

Here you are, sir.

Oh, my God.

There's so many stairs here.

Mr. Wahlberg's motto is, "You never reach
your goals without a climb."

So that's why he's always out of breath.

Makes so much se-- Oh, my God!

This is comfy.

Gonna need those shoes, man.

Yeah, I got you.

- You got enough.
- Sure, we'll see.

Hey man, you're back. Listen,
I want you to meet my family. This is my--

-my Boston brother, Paul.
-Whaddup?

My boy Rap. Over here's Sal.
Gonna be a good day.

Yeah, yeah, whatever man.

So, what, y'all playin' teams?
Doubles? What's up?

What's with the attitude, huh?

Tennis is supposed to be
a gentleman's sport.

Yo, you sure about this guy?

Totally, it's all good.

-You wanna roll with me on my squad?
-I'm on the other squad.

Okay.

I guess I just call lines then.

Hey, what's with the deflated balls?
You had Tom Brady at your last barbecue?

What's with you?
You come to Wahlberg's house

-and disrespect the GOAT?
-Oh, I ain't mean no disrespect.

-I'm just saying like--
-No, it's fine.

No, actually, those balls are the ones
that MJ's panther got to.

-He's got a house up the street.
-Michael Jordan got a panther?

Not the real Michael Jordan.
The one with the B in his name.

The other Michael Jordan.

Yeah, it was a gift from the studio
when the movie came out,

and the damn thing gets out all the time,

comes up to my crib and over the fence.
It's a mess.

- Wait, it don't like ice cream, do it?
- "Ice cream". No!

That's a frozen yogurt cat!

Oh, okay.

No, man, he eats flesh.

-Hey, you guys ready to do this?
-Yeah.

Aspire to be better, boys.
Let's do this. Paul, you and me.

Do you know if I'm doing this right?

Ooh, there we go.

That's gotta be right.

- Back up!
- Fuck!

- That's me.
- That's you.

-You got it.
-Yep, yep, yep, yep.

Fuck.

My bad, my bad.

Yeah, it sure as shit
wasn't my fucking bad. Let's go.

Good effort, Dev!
Don't even worry about that.

Why are you lying to him? "Good effort."

You missed
the whole fucking ball, man. Focus.

I got it.

You fuck!

-What the fuck was that?
-What do you mean?

Listen, I went to fucking
Bollettieri's tennis camp,

all right? Don't tell me
what the fuck was that.

Yo chill, Mike.

Dev is definitely good peoples.

I don't care if he's good people.
I need good players.

You fuck.

Eat that shit, Rap.

Fucking Serena, bitch!

Yeah, yeah, I got this.

Fuck!

Hey, digging your intensity, bro.

We should hit my bar
and get a drink after this.

No, no, I only drink on the weekends.

You know, I could tell.

Your skin is glistening in a way

that is definitely not
a drinking man's glow.

But I do have an 80-year-old Scotch

-you'd be a fool to say no to.
-No.

You know what's crazy?

I've actually never had a massage before.

It's my first time.

What's going on? You wanna explain
why you're getting your ass kicked?

He's always in the right spot.

He's so fucking nice,
it's hard for me to get at--

Egyptian blend cotton,
straight from my knitting room.

Softest towel known to man.

- You see?
- What's up baby?

How the fuck am I supposed
to respond to that?

Wait a minute…

Oh, no, I got it.

Did you used to date
a girl named Christine?

- Uh-oh.
- I still do.

And we don't date anymore.
That's my wife.

I knew it. Man, I ran into her a couple
of years ago at Starbucks.

-Oh, you actually remember that, huh?
-Cream, two sugars.

Now Christine was my favorite extra.

She used to help me run lines
in my trailer.

I mean, extras holding is so bad,

I'm like, "You can chill with me,"
even though we're not supposed to do that.

But, anyway, you ready to finish this?

You bet your fucking ass I'm ready.

Let's go, Devin!

Would you care for another shake, sir?

Mm, thanks, but no thanks, Cambridge.

Thank you, ladies. Um…

Do you have any idea
how I can get back to the backyard?

Certainly sir.

Take the first set of stairs down
to the second set of stairs,

which upon you'll walk up.

Then you'll take that corridor
down to the third set of stairs

and descend again. They're narrow.

Mr. Wahlberg had them installed
for his Irish grandmother

to help her feel more at home.

Then you'll take the elevator
up to the third floor.

Don't get off.

Stay on until you get
to the next floor.

Then you'll walk up
one more set of stairs.

There will be a door.

That will take you directly back
to the backyard area.

Can you say that one more time?

- I got it!
- Oh, he got it.

Out!

What the fu-- What do you mean
it was out? That wasn't out.

Mike, don't fucking start okay?
The ball was clearly fucking out.

The ball was clearly in, man.
What the fuck are you talking about?

I mean, is anybody else not tired
of these bullshit Sal Masekela calls?

I'm fucking so annoyed here, I'm gonna
come clean right now, just for the record.

You can't fucking surf, bro.

We see a lot of pictures on Instagram
with surfboards and beaches,

but we never see any pictures
of you actually surfing.

We're gonna go there?
We're going on the record?

Yeah, it's on the record…

If we're on the record, how about you tell
Paul what you really said

about him not doing your podcast?

Yo!

I thought you said we was all good?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Paul,

you ain't good.

No, we ain't good Pierce. I asked you
to be on my fucking podcast three times.

Three times you blew me off.

Yeah, you know what that means?
When you come to the net, fucking duck!

Good job with the Brooklyn Nets, too.

- Way to take a check!
- You done, Mike?

- I'm done. Know what else?
- Guess what?

-You can't snowboard either.
-Well, first off,

the ball was fucking out.
And second of all,

you're not Black, alright?

Make it racial. Make it racial.

- Okay. I know.
- He's gettin' racial.

-Why you wanna get racial?
-Just let it go.

-Mr. Gringo Mandingo.
-Let it go. We got this.

Just let it go.

Yo, check out
that tricep indentation, man.

Full horseshoe. Nice!

Yeah, you about to see nice. Believe that.

Let's go. Let's do it.

That's the pep talk I gave him.
He know what he doing now.

- That's you, that's you, that's you!
- Yes!

Hey, I didn't sign up for this, okay?

Good shot, Dev.

There you go, baby.
Just like we practiced.

-Oh, yeah!
-Yes, yes.

That's you, Paul.

- What the fuck?
- Fuck!

-Pick it up.
-I got it!

Fuck!

All right, match point.
Let's get this shit over with.

- Yes!  Yes!
- Oh!

Game, motherfucker.

-Fuck!
-Game, set, match.

-Yes.
-Motherfucker, that's you!

-Yes!
-Hey fuck, yes!

Really, you're gonna come
on my court like that,

and act like a fucking asshole

after all I've done for you today?

I let you into my house.
I let you eat in my fucking pool.

Your friends are wearing
my fucking personal bathing suits!

Jesus! And look at this!

Got a fucking monogrammed robe
for this loser.

You know what? Take that shit off.

Oh, come on.

-Do I have to?
-Stuey.

I have been working in therapy

for months to control
my anger, but… fuck this!

Matter fact, all y'all,
get the fuck out of my house!

- You talking about them, right?
- Fuck you, Paul!

Fuck your Finals MVP, too.

That was KG and Ray's team.

That's a real truth,
and everybody knows it but you.

Yo… I'mma let that shit slide right now,
but only because you from Boston

and "Good Vibrations" was a dope-ass song.

But if you come at me
with that shit again,

I'mma burn your fucking house down,
omelet bar and all, all right?

Cool.

I'm out, too. Eat a dick, Masekela.
Bring some fucking glasses next time.

That's cute. Why don't you buy yourself
a fucking swing and some athleticism,

-okay?
-Okay.

Hold up, Mike. You know
I came with you, right?

Fuck this shit.

Okay, what about the shoes?

-Just give him a minute.
-Okay.

He usually comes down pretty quickly.

You guys, I'm really sorry.

It's not you I'm mad at it.
It's… It's just these shoes.

I can tell you what, I'm never
wearing these again ever.

Listen, since you're not
gonna wear 'em no more,

maybe we just take them off your hands.
Know what I mean? Just…

You know what? I'm gonna see you two
in hell, you pieces of shit.

Wait, wait. Whoa. Do-- Don't, Mark!

What the fuck are you-- You s--

What are you doing?

Hold on, uh…
Since you're not mad at us anymore,

any chance we can stay?

No, you can't fucking stay.

I need some me time to reflect.

It's okay, Mark, it's okay.

Alexa, play me some fuckin Beethoven.

Come on.

Fuck.

So you've had this plan the whole time?

I always have a plan.

Does anyone else think
this is a bad plan?

Nope, it's not a bad plan.
It's a terrible plan.

What's the worst that could happen?

A trespassing ticket?

Fuck trespassing. I ain't trying
to get eaten by no black panther.

So, if a crocodile is chasing you,

you wanna run in a zigzag,

but if a bear's after you,
you want to make yourself really big.

Who gives a shit about that?
What about a black panther?

I don't know. They didn't teach
that in Boy Scouts, but…

I do know something
about facing down an angry moose.

- Yo, none of that info helps.
- Okay, listen.

According to this article, all you have
to do is avoid eye contact.

Don't turn your back
and make yourself as big as possible.

Well, I'm pretty sure
he's more scared of you than you of him.

Well, he must be out here shitting bricks,
'cause I'm fucking terrified.

Holy shit. Look.

Oh.

Wahlberg has thrown
so much shit down here.

Yo, this guy's an asshole.
Devin, I see why you don't like him.

This is totally illegal and totally cool.

Oh, yo!

Guys, there's another
monogrammed robe down here.

Dwayne Johnson.

-I'm keeping it.
-I see one of the O4s right there.

- Where's the other one?
- Shit.

Y'all hear that?

Stop being paranoid.
Just find the other one.

All right, I'm looking.

Oh, I think I see it.

Hey guys, you ain't gonna like
the sound of this, but, um…

I think I made eye contact with it.

Eye contact with what?

Uh, the other Michael Jordan's
black panther.

Hey big fella.

-Yo, come on.
-Shit.

You a black panther. I'm a black man.

Wakanda forever.

- Bobby.
- Mm?

- Run.
- No.

Run!

Ah, fuck on me! Go!

Whoa!

Oh, thank God.

Where's Bobby?

I told him to run,
but he wouldn't listen. He never listens!

Look I'm…

I'm going back in to get him.

No, no, Devin. We can't lose you too.
You have kids, man.

Look, I wouldn't be able to look them
in the eyes if I didn't go back.

I am not prey!
I am not prey! I am not prey!

I am not prey!

What are you doing?

The article said
never turn your back.

Man, look at that.

Ah, yes!

They're scuffed.

♪ For the people ♪

♪ For the culture ♪

♪ That's how we do ♪

♪ Fuck all the vultures ♪

♪ Hey, we don't know ya ♪

♪ Hey, we'll just ghost ya ♪

♪ For the people ♪

♪ For the culture ♪

♪ That's how we do ♪

♪ Fuck all the vultures ♪

♪ Hey, we don't know ya ♪

♪ Hey, we'll just ghost ya ♪

♪ Hey, we don't know ya ♪

♪ Hey, we'll just ghost ya ♪

♪ For the people ♪

♪ For the culture ♪

♪ That's how we do ♪

♪ Fuck all the vultures ♪

♪ Hey, we don't know ya ♪

♪ Hey, we'll just ghost ya ♪

♪ That's how we do ♪

♪ Fuck all the vultures ♪

♪ Hey, we don't know ya ♪

♪ Hey, we'll just ghost ya♪

♪ We'll just ghost ya ♪

♪ Hey, fuck all the vultures ♪