Smother-in-Law (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript





Had I known you had a big door,

I would've brought
my refrigerator.

Good morning, Isadir.


Love, this lockdown will fly
by in the blink of an eye.

Mom, you won't miss downtown.

Well, she brought
downtown with her.


Mom, you must wear your mask,
not hold it, in case you sneeze.

I should be holding it.

So my hand doesn't
end up in your face.

Mommy, don't start.

You're the one who
married the cow.

You can still fix that.

It's too late for that. Two
kids later, we won't separate.

Angelina Jolie and
Brad Pitt had six kids.

They got a divorce.

Well, enjoy your stay, dear.

You came from such
a tiny apartment.

Our house is huge.

You overdid it, Alice.

It's too much… You must spend
more on cleaning products,

fancy ones, than I
spend on my health.

Stop that right now. I
pay for your medical.

- A shitty plan.
- Shitty? It's great.

- How come, Carlos?
- It is.

- How good is it?
- Mom.

- Keep it down. The neighbors.
- Let them hear it.

Last time I had to pee in a cup,

they asked me to bring my own
Tupperware, okay, neighbors?

How come you haven't added me
to your company's plan, Carlos?

Sadly, some companies don't accept
mothers in their health plan.

Sad, isn't it?

Sadly, some mothers don't accept

their daughters-in-law
in their plans either.

Sad, isn't it? Take this.

I'm not drinking water
from an electric filter.


- Clay filters water.
- We have an electric one.

No way. I only drink
from my clay filter.

How long do I have to
put up with your mother?

I know mothers-in-law
can be difficult…

I am your smother-in-law.

It's for the lockdown.

About three weeks, tops.



Eighteen months of sex with
a bag of rice on my back.

Oh, my love…

Love, listen, I've
talked to Mommy.

She promised she
won't bug us again.

- Come here. Kiss me.
- Carlos.


I'm really confused
about all the remotes.

Why have so many remotes?
Everything is out of control.

I tried to watch network TV
hoping to hear a twinkle-twinkle.

This Netflix thing
popped up with a ta-dum.

I don't get it. I
was looking for…

Carlos, do you hear me?

I wanted to watch my
soaps. Elite popped up.

Looks like a teenage soap.

- Like Rebelde...
- Mom.

- What?
- Elite is a series, Mom.

Well, I wanted to watch the
remake of my 1990s soap opera.

Weren't you in bed? Did
you follow us in here?

I came to put my dentures
in the pickle jar.

You keep your dentures
in the pickle jar?

Nobody eats pickles
in this house.

At least it keeps
my dentures fresh.

- Mom.
- Disgusting. Too much.

Carlos and I hide in the
pantry to try to have sex.

- If you hear any little noise…
- "Little noise," Alice?

I heard you two in
bed the last time.

- It was like an English class.
- Geez, Mom.


Forget about it. I can't
do it in this house.

Oh, Mom, you can
use Grams' room.

She let us use it. We
loved her queen-sized bed.

Her spring mattress
is great for bouncing.

Wait, you let her
use your bedroom?

They could use the pantry,
but it was occupied.

Well, if it were Jonas,
you wouldn't be this mad.

- Because he's a man.
- By the way…

This man is from São Paulo.
He crossed state lines.

He's ready to go back home.

Hi, family.

- "Family."
- What's up?

"What's up?"

Listen up.

Hey, what's up?

"What's up?"

I'm all packed already.

That's it? Your laptop?

Well, Google has
everything I need.

Are we traveling?

You didn't tell me.

Well, Mommy, it's just us.

Carlos, you should have told me…
Alice, you're in the back, then.

Or I'll get nauseous.

- My legs swell.
- Mommy.

Also, you're not that good
at driving on the freeway.

What do you mean?

- I need to get my meds…
- Mom, it's just for the family.

- Love…
- Carlos!

Calm down, love. I'll
talk to her. Mom!

Mom, come here. Stop it.

You're not going, okay?

Come here. You're not going.

We need time for ourselves to
recharge our batteries, right, love?

That's great, son. Mommy
was thinking about it.

Your presence here is an
invasion of my privacy.

I do need some time all
by myself in this house.

I want to be able to walk
around naked whenever I wish.

I want to find out
more about myself.

Go find out more about
yourself in your apartment.

I can't be naked downtown.

Everyone will see me.
I got no curtains.

Mom, listen up. We're
going on a trip.

Meanwhile, go back
to your house.

No can do. I rented it
out. I'm going to bed.

What did you say?

- I'm going to bed.
- No.


How about your apartment?

It's rented out.

I've noticed you two
are too stressed out.

I hope your guardian angels
can take all those obstacles

out of your way.

Cleanse, cleanse, cleanse

this collective hate.

Push it all away.

Finally, Mommy. You
sure slept in today.

Due to my heart condition, thank God
I'm up and not at the pearly gates.

Oh, okay.

Your heart condition,
Mommy. It worries me.

The doctors say you
can live by yourself.

Those shitty doctors, Carlos?

You got great
doctors, Mom. Shitty?

One said, "No fatty
foods, Isadir."

I saw him at
Outback eating ribs.

No problem. You can go to
another cardiologist, then.

- Okay.
- How about your apartment?

Two bedrooms, across from butch.

You live across from
a butcher's shop?

No, I meant my butch
neighbors, Kyndall and Tracy.

They're American lesbians.

The blonde ones?

- Exactly.
- I know...

Just a minute, Marinez.


We need to figure out
the apartment issue.

- I waited for you to be up.
- Thanks.

Wait a bit longer. I'm only
up after my black coffee.

Excuse me.



You must think we're joking…

Marinez, pour her a double
espresso to wake her up.

Other people need to wake up.

Wait a sec, Marinez.
Anything wrong?

Besides my paycheck, all's good.

Wait a sec, Marinez.

C'mon, Mom, tell us now. Why
did you rent out your apartment?

Wow, that's new. Did you rent
out the apartment downtown?

Wait a sec, Marinez.

I rented out my apartment because
it's just like your late dad.

Inactive and expensive.

Funny, Mom. I paid
for everything there.

Yes, and I was losing profits.

I'm not kidding, Carlos. I
saved 577 dollars and 78 cents.

Wait a second, Mom…

Are you buying dollar bills?

Yes, I exchange money.

I want to live abroad.
I'm moving to Oklahoma.

Why Oklahoma?

It's like the sex hotel
downtown. It sounds sexy.

I get it.

Shouldn't you have told me you
had rented out the apartment?

Didn't you say we're best friends? That
we should tell each other everything?

You're just so stupid.

Carlos, for the love of God.

Moms always say that to their kids to
know the stupid things they're doing.

Still, I found out by myself you
were into the Devil's lettuce.

- You should burn some incense.
- Stop.

Jonas could hear you. Be quiet.

- Good morning, family.
- Hi.

- Dad, got some incense for the trip?
- See?

Is Grams coming?


How come?

Grams always has my back.

I forgot my swimsuit at the beach, and
she let me wear her granny panties.

Bad parents.

I should wear smaller panties…

Who's renting your apartment?

Cézar, Fatima's son.

He's married.

Great. Cézar got
himself a woman?

He got a man. You're so square.

I'm square?

- Yes.
- I'm not square. Stop it.

Hi, everyone. We're
doing a group project.

A group project,
just the two of you?

This man could be as
good as three men.

How's it hanging?

In med school, we get
some theory classes first,

then we got to practice.

I really miss my group projects.

Well, when we get to Grams's age,
it's only theory and no practice.


Do you look the other way
when she's being nasty?

- You're so sexist.
- I'm not sexist.

- I'm honest.
- She ain't nasty.

You're a director
at a TV station.

- That's a nasty place.
- That's my job.

C'mon, Carlos.

Stop being a villain.

Let's support empowered women.

Stop being a villain
Empowered women.

Stop being a villain
Empowered women.

Stop being a villain
Empowered women.

Don't worry, I talk sex to my
kids because I'm an expert.

A non-practicing expert.

Have you lost your mind, boy?

We heard her complaining
about it. I'm out of here.

- Yes, we're empowered.
- I'm grateful.

Cezinha must leave the apartment
by the end of the day, Isadir.

He can't leave the apartment
because we signed a contract.

You won't get my
tenant's info, my dear,

because it's confidential.

As a lawyer, I represent
big celebrities.

I know the law.

DUI laws. That's what
celebrities need.

You can go straight to hell.

I'll need some booze
to put up with her.

Great timing. We got
this box. What is it?


Put it in the cellar by
the pool. This is no party.

Let's settle it.

Mommy, we're taking
the trip. Right, love?

We'll be back on Sunday.

When we're back, I want
you in your apartment.

I must try to save my
marriage. Right, love?

I want you to breach that
contract. Did I do it right?

Did I? I'm…


Check it out.

Fatima will soon send
me a "good morning."

She always does it…

Good morning.

So cute. She'll invite
me to her prayer group.

I need to pray the rosary.

Now she'll talk about her
son. I'll turn it up for you.

Cezinha is separating.
He'll vacate your apartment.

Bring me some champagne.
I can celebrate now.

Hello, Fatima?

I'm shaking. To sum it up
in two words, "Holy shit."

I'm the one shaking.

Girl, it was ugly between
Cezinha and Flávio.

He called my son the F-word.

No… But, Fatima, it's okay.

They can call each
other that, you know?

The main thing is that they
cannot vacate my apartment.

How come? Flávio pays the rent.

That fag…

Roll up the window, please.

Roll it up. I have dry skin.

It'll just get worse
with this wind.

Just don't roll it all the
way up. I have oily skin too.

Make up your mind. Do you
have dry or oily skin?

I got mixed skin, okay?

Stop the car.


I'm handing Isadir
back her keys, okay?

I can't believe
it. On my birthday.

- What a "happy birthday."
- Happy birthday, Flavinho.

Cézar, next time give hair
growth products to your grandma.

Oh Lord. Calm down,
Flavinho. For God's sake.

The boy got mad.
For the love of God.

Flavinho, calm down.

- Flávio?
- It's me, Fatima.

Flávio sure was angry.

I said, "Hi, Flávio."
He told me to eat shit.

It's his birthday.

Why didn't you tell
me? That's why, then.

Flávio, happy birthday.

- Oh Lord. I need water.
- Okay.

- My urea is up.
- God.

How do you know? You got tested?

At my age, urea and
cholesterol go up.

And my boobs are
down to my waist.

Hey. Here you go.

- What's that?
- He gave them back.

Your keys.

Some water.

He can't give me the keys
back. We signed a contract.

Contract, Isadir?

- Here.
- We didn't sign anything.

- You signed it.
- I did?

- You made me sign it?
- The captain did.

- What Captain?
- Morgan.

Captain Morgan?

The rum, Fatima. You
were drunk as a skunk.

You hugged the toiled, hurled.

- Me?
- Tried to kiss me.


- You're a good kisser.
- What, Isadir? For God's sake!

- What is it?
- Oh, Auntie.

- Oh no.
- This girl is down.

What is it, child?

Flávio broke it off, Auntie.

I just gave him hair
growth medication.

Now he can't get it
up. I like them stiff.

Son, tell him to stop
using the product.

I like them hairy, Mom.

Make him wear a wig, then, and
he'll still be able to get it up.

- Today is his birthday, right?
- Yes.

Let's throw Flavinho
a surprise party.

A surprise party in
your run-down apartment?

That's a danger zone.

No, at Carlos's
place. You can't come.

- I'm going.
- Go to hell.

Yes, I'm coming.

What if he doesn't take me back?

If it doesn't work, you
can still be roommates.

After a while, that's
what couples do.

My late husband
couldn't get it up.

He was losing it, but it
wasn't the hair, you know?

Shall we focus on the
party? Focus on the party.



Flávio's limp dick
has got to go.

This girl's so sad.


Carlos, you'll be
stuck in traffic, okay?

Let's go. Let's do it.

Grams, I'm borrowing
your sexy gel.

Sexy gel…

- Is it for that?
- Yeah.

Lord, I thought it
was for arthritis.

You got the message, Mom?

When we get back, I'll
go visit you downtown.

Don't worry. It's
a danger zone now.

I'm not afraid of thugs.

- Mom...
- Not the thugs.

I'll dig my key into the car.
I'll get even. Go with God.

- Are you mad?
- I am.

- Let's go, then.
- Don't yell.

- Marcia.
- Let's go.

- You too.
- Let's go.

- C'mon.
- Ouch, Grams.

Get going.

- Mom, what's all this?
- Get going. Go with God.

May God light your way.

- Mother Mary will guide you.
- Behave, Mom.

Go with God. Time
to go. God bless.

Careful at the
dangerous intersection.

Go easy around the
corner before the U-turn.

I can't run. I have
arthrosis, dammit.


- Marinez…
- What?

I got to… I know I haven't
been a very good boss to you.

No, you haven't.
Alice is my boss.

I'll do something
your boss won't.

- Give me a raise?
- A day off.

Oh, great.

I'll get that.

- Just a second, Isadir.
- Okay.


Not here. Send them away.
They got the wrong address.

Later, bye.

What was it?

- What, Isadir?
- What was it?

Reginaldo said people
came to the party.

No way. A party, here?

- He's crazy, isn't he?
- No way, right?

- Want me to cook dinner?
- No, you can go.

- Sure?
- Go.

- All right, I'm leaving.
- Go straight to hell.


Reginaldo, it's Isadir.

You can send the
downtown caravan in.

What a joy. I'm so
happy, everyone.

I love having people
over. Listen up.

This is Alice's champagne.

A cow bought it. Party
animals drink it.

It's my B-day.

This is so cool.

I feel young again.

What an honor. A birthday
party at this house.

Great, right? How's it
going for you and Cézar?

Did the party help you…

- Cezinha hurt me.
- And made you hairy.

It's true… But don't
tell anyone it's a wig.

- Nobody can tell.
- Thank God.

- I'll do the rounds.
- You go, girl.

Auntie, did you like the wig?

It looks shitty, Cézar.

For God's sake.

Oh, Fatima, for the love of God.

Now I can have a
drink and relax a bit.

Isadir, take it easy.

You know when you drink…

Girl. You'll start
hitting on everyone.

Fatima, show me some
respect. I'm an old lady.

- Go straight to hell.
- Oh Lord.

Let's have a threesome in Alice's
bed. Just the three of us.

Isadir, stop it! Sorry,
excuse us. Isadir.

Oh, Fatima, just let me be.

Oh, Fatima…

I'll drink some beer because
that champagne is weak.

Isadir, a car pulled
up. Is Carlos back?

Those rich cars all look alike.

Only one comes with Alice.



Fatima, for the love
of God. Do something.

- Me?
- Get everybody out while I…


Fatima, I broke something!

Oh no!

Done… Party is over now.

- It ain't over, old lady.
- Go to hell.

Party is over. Done.

You all go to hell.

- What happened?
- Carlos is back.

Crazy lady.

Fatima, please come with
me. Help me out, Fatima.

We gotta do something
about Carlos, Fatima.

He'll think something is
up if he sees me here.

Oh, girl!

He's coming in!

Oh Lord, yes. He'll
think something is up.

Hi, Mommy. How are you?

Why are you all wet?

I just went out for a swim.

I was training for the
next Olympic Games.

Mom, were you drinking?

Only chlorine while swimming.

We were halfway there, but
Alice forgot her pillow.

We came back because she's disgusted by
hotel pillows, so I came to get hers.

- What a cow.
- C'mon, Mommy.

- She's not here.
- Here I am.

- There.
- Do I smell barbecue?

- I smell it too.
- Well, the cow meat is there.

Mom. Don't say that.

Well, why are you back already?

No pillows with
people's drool on them.

I see. Whenever I sleep at Fatima's,
she drools and it's disgusting.

- So disgusting.
- Dad.

- What now?
- I'm glad we're back.

I forgot my Bluetooth
float. I got to try it.

- What's the Bluetooth for?
- I've never used it.

I'll cut your cards in two.

- No, Dad.
- I will…

Cut off my leg. I got two. Not
my card. I only got one, please.

Guess what? There's a
pool party back there.

- Party?
- What party?

It's like a New Year's party.
All we need is the fireworks.

Oh, what's up with her?

Oh Lord.

- What?
- Thanks, dear.


- Yes.
- Did you let a stranger use my robe?

What else will you do?

We had a party in your bedroom.

I can't take it, Carlos.

It's Flávio's birthday, Alice.

Happy birthday to...

No, I've had enough.

No, Alice…

- Hey, Alice.
- See what you did?

They're gonna fight. Love it.

No, love. Alice.

Alice, my love.

- Help me out, Mom.
- Alice.

Alice, my love.

Sorry, Alice. When we grow up,

the first thing we want in life

is to find a place in the sun,

move out, and become
independent, right?

Then, we get old

and we realize…

That our place in the sun

is with family.

Oh, Grams.

Mom, can't she stay a little
longer? I'll miss her.

I can't live away from Grams.

Come live downtown with me.

On second thought, it's not
that far. I'll just Uber over.

I'll take an Uber downtown.

No, that's okay, everyone.

I know I'm not
welcome. I'll leave.

Cézar, give me my
keys back, please.

Here's the thing, Auntie.

After this party,

Flá and I realized how much we
love each other, right, honey?

- It's true.
- We're keeping the apartment.

Good for you…

Oh, sorry.

At least one couple
is happy here.

- At least one.
- So beautiful.

What's that?

Girls, party is
over. We're done…

They're another happy couple.

It just can't be.

C'mon, Mom.

The party is over, but
Grandma can still party up.

Is Grams coming?

Grams is coming?

Can Grams come?


I spaced out. No!

You can't come.

I noticed it.

That's it, everybody.

Okay, Marinez?

- Okay, Carlos.
- Go ahead.

Oh, it's nothing.


- It was a joke.
- Sorry.

I'm sorry.

Well, I need some booze now!

Great timing. You got
a box. Guess what?

Champagne inside.

Put it in the cellar at the
pool. I'm not… party mood.

- Mom.
- Sorry. Again.

Give me my phone. She'll
screw it up again.

- In my purse. I'll get it.
- Oh Lord.

- Oh my God.
- Go get it.

Subtitle translation
by: Rafael a Lombardino