Smash (2012–2013): Season 1, Episode 3 - Enter Mr. DiMaggio - full transcript

Previously on "Smash".

Go get me a Marilyn.

This girl feels like Marilyn.

You have to do another callback?

It's Ivy's spark.

Marilyn the musical?
No one is gonna buy it.

We know what kind
of money you make.

You're a waitress.

I think she's a star.

- I want to go back to work.
- And what about the adoption?

You got it. You're Marilyn.



SMASH
S01 Ep 03 - Enter Mr. DiMaggio

That was incredible.

It was lovely.

Tom hasn't sent you a copy
of the new song yet, has he?

I don't think
it's finished.

Great.

Three weeks
till we start rehearsing,

we've only got eight songs
and half the book.

You know, Derek, I've been
reading a lot about Marilyn,

and watching the DVDs,

and I'd really like it if...

I'd really like
to get together sometime

and just work on her.

Well, that's what
we're doing, darling.



It's a joke.

Of course we can do that.

I'll have my assistant call you.
We'll put it in the book.

'Kay?

'Kay.

So, let me
get this right.

You got the part,
you get to play Marilyn,

you're sleeping
with the evil director,

- who's a total fox.
- He's not evil.

He may or may not be evil,
but he's definitely a fox.

And the problem is...

Okay, I'm just
gonna say it.

Do you think he gave me the part
because I slept with him?

- I can't imagine that it hurt.
- I'm serious.

For heaven's sakes, Ivy,
enjoy the sex,

and don't think about it.

You got the part.
You got the part.

- They're beautiful pieces.
- Yes.

If you sell them
on consignment,

you make considerably more.

I think I'll just
let them go.

Okay.

Those are fun.

They were inspired by a pair Marilyn
Monroe wore in Seven year itch.

I can see that.

- 50 bucks.
- They're just knockoffs.

I'll take 'em.

- Hi.
- Karen, hi. Thanks for coming.

Hey, another one of these,
please, for her.

No, please.
Just a club soda.

So, I wanted to talk to you
about what happened.

I know what happened.
I didn't get the part.

Look, the script and the songs
aren't even finished yet.

There's a lot of changes
coming fast.

We just needed someone
with more experience with that.

Well, she's lucky.

It's a great part,
and the songs are amazing.

So, how do you feel
about being in the ensemble?

Well, it's a terrific
opportunity.

Well done. Very polite.

Well, what am I
supposed to say, I'm pissed?

Yeah, you should be.

You got way too much talent
to be in the ensemble.

Then why did you
put me there?

Listen. Life is long.

Theater is longer.

It could take five years
for Mariynl to get to the stage,

and a lot can happen
in five years.

There you are.

Dev.
What are you doing here?

Well, you said you were having
drinks with the great director,

I wanted to meet him.

Sorry to crash.

Dev. Dev sundaram.

Derek Wills.

Karen's told me
a lot about you.

I imagine so.

Pleased to meet you.

Are you from, uh,
South London?

Well done.

I could hear it
in the O's.

I'd forgotten
this game.

University?

Oxford, you?

The other place.

- I expect you got a first.
- I did, actually.

That's a lot
of pressure.

Sorry?

Mum and dad
just off the boat,

all that hope wrapped up
in little, old you.

Congratulations.

- I'm third generation.
- Of course.

I should have heard it
in the O's.

I just don't know
what you were doing there.

You said the guy was a jerk,
he is a jerk.

He's a jerk
who is now my boss,

and I can take care
of myself.

I know you can.

"Oxford."
"The other place."

What is the other place?
Cambridge.

Of course!
I can hear it in the "O" s.

We're Brits.

That's what we do to establish
our place in the pack.

So who won?

Well, I got to go home
with the girl, didn't I?

That display
was not for me.

No, you're right.

Got something much better
I want to show off to you.

Well, I'm looking
forward to it,

because all that British ranting
about what school you went to

left me pretty unimpressed.

How's this?-

What movie
are we doing now?

Gone with the wind, baby.

How many more do I need to see?

My eyes are
about to start bleeding.

We can take a five
and start talking offers.

Yeah, that sounds
brilliant.

Okay.

These are our top picks

for DiMaggio,
Arthur Miller, and JFK.

And I just got a call
from the agent.

Michael Swift is available,

if you're interested in making
him an offer for DiMaggio.

He did a show
with you, right?

Yes.

Well, he's terrific.

Well, is he...
Is he right for this?

I've never seen him.

Well, he's doing
that Bruno Mars show at La Mama.

Well,
let's check him out tonight.

Yes, I would die
for you, baby

easy come, easy go

that's just
how you live

oh, take, take,
take it all

but you never give

should've known
you was trouble

from the first kiss

had your eyes wide open

why were they open?

Gave you all I had

and you tsed it
in the trash

you tossed it in the trash,
yes, you did

to give me all your love

is all I ever asked

'cause what you
don't understand

is I'd catch
a grenade for ya

throw my hand
on a blade for ya

I'd jump in front
of a train for ya

you know I'd do
anything for ya

oh

I would go through
all this pain

take a bullet
straight through my brain

yes, I would die
for you, baby

but you won't
do the same

Okay, he's sensational,
but is he interested?

Well, apparently,
he's a huge baseball fan.

Is that the same thing
as a "yes"?

Jerry, hello.

Derek. Great to see you.

Eileen, hi.

Hello, Jerry.

Listen, uh, Derek,
I'm glad I bumped into you.

You have to give me
one more chance

to tempt you back
to My fair lady.

Yeah, maybe we can talk about
that in the morning, Jerry.

We could be going
by the end of the month.

You look beautiful, Eileen.

Nice earrings.

Very quaint.

Who gave 'em to ya?

I'm sorry, I don't know
why that keeps happening.

I'm such a klutz.

- Should we get some menus?
- Sure.

Well.

In this business,
any job is a good one.

Only don't call it the "chorus,"
it's the "ensemble."

Although, if you ask me,

that's like calling garbage men
"sanitation workers."

It's a great project,
and the music is incredible.

When does it start?

Well,
it's a workshop,

so they haven't finished
casting it

or even writing it,
so their dates are flexible.

- It's one of those.
- Wait, one of what?

Just you end up missing a lot
of shifts with those things.

And you know they pay
next to nothing, right?

And you're already
taking this weekend off?

I'm going to Iowa
for a baby shower.

Yeah.

If you're gonna keep doing
a lot of those workshops,

that's the kind of thing
that goes out the window.

Doesn't it want to be
a little more ballad-y?

I like the Sinatra
swing idea.

I just think it...
I think it needs more heart.

I think
it sounds amazing.

Thank you, Ellis.

Here,
let me do that for you.

I know, I know, I'm going.

I have to get
the dry-cleaning.

And you have to be
at the dentist at 4:00.

- No, no, no!
- You're doing it.

I'm getting
my teeth cleaned.

"No, no, no."

I like him.
Why do you not like him?

I don't have to
like everybody.

- You don't like Derek.
- Do you like Derek?

I do, actually.

You like Derek.

I think he's talented.

You know what?

Those two tigers that ended up eating
siegfried and Roy were talented too.

That's ridiculous.

It's not ridiculous,
it's true.

That was a tragedy.

That's my point.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

That's all
Joe and Marilyn wanted.

They just wanted to be
a normal couple.

That's not
all they wanted.

At this moment,
in this song, it is.

Speaking of Joe, Eileen
and Derek apparently went to see

Michael at that Bruno Mars thing
down at La Mama.

They loved him.

Well, if he's doing

that Bruno Mars thing
down at LA mama,

how's he available
for the workshop?

It's closing on Sunday.

I heard it was extending.

Not according to
the agent.

The agent.
Now that's a reliable source.

Why would he tell us
his client was available

if he wasn't?

I just don't
want you to get

your heart set on someone
who isn't available.

And I'm not sure
he's right.

Are you kidding?
He's perfect.

You know, I don't love
DiMaggio as a character.

Maybe we don't need him.

Great idea.

Let's do Marilyn the musical
without Joe DiMaggio.

Hey, here's an idea.

Let's skip Arthur Miller too.
And JFK.

Let's do it
without men altogether.

Chugga, chugga,
chugga, chugga...

No, don't do it.

That's a good one.

I have to go on the bridge.
All right, here we go.

Do it again.

I know,
I like this game too.

When does it start?

Three weeks.
It's just a workshop.

It's Marilyn Monroe
and Joe DiMaggio.

And they just offered it
to you, right?

It's a straight offer.

Yeah, my agent's
working on it.

But, you know, it pays,
like, 200 a week.

Artie'd have to go
into full-time day care.

It's Joe DiMaggio, honey.

And Julia Houston
and Tom Levitt are writing it?

Yeah.

You told me you liked
working with them.

I loved it.

So, if you have any questions,
why don't you just call them?

If I call, it's sort of
like saying yes.

And that's
a problem because...

Maybe I should
keep myself open for once.

There's a lot going on
in television.

So, you're gonna pass
on playing Joe DiMaggio

for something that might
turn up in television?

Daddy's crazy.

- Want dinner?
- Yeah.

- Pizza?
- Yeah, pizza.

You want pizza?

I'm so tired of revivals.
Aren't you?

What are the specs?

Well, it's not
going to be cheap.

But given that we're
taking on Marilyn Monroe,

you wouldn't
expect it to be.

And what's
Jerry's involvement,

now that the two of you
are split up?

Jerry has no involvement.

Really?

You think that you can raise
all this money yourself?

I'm producing it myself.

Which you've
never done before.

And all your assets
are in escrow.

It's only a workshop.
All I need is 200,000.

Good!

I can never figure out
what to pack for three days.

Maybe I should
just stay home.

You've been looking forward
to this for months.

Let's be real. Baby showers
are not that much fun.

She's your best friend.

And she's holding
a baby shower in a karaoke bar.

I think that
sounds like fun.

I'm worried about money.

If I go, I'll miss
four shifts at work.

The workshop starts,
I'll miss even more.

Karen, if you don't
want to go, then don't go.

But you can't not go
because of money.

I can cover us.

I don't know
if I'm ready for that.

Well, you don't have to
decide this second.

Go home. Have a good time.
Then we can talk about it.

You've already
paid for the plane ticket.

And besides,
the entire state of Iowa

would be crushed
if you don't show up.

That's true.

Come on,
let's get you packed.

How'd you get
that job anyway?

I mean, you walk
into New York,

and Tom Levitt hires you
to be his assistant?

He's huge.

My mom knew
his brother in college.

Slept with his brother
in college.

- Are they paying you?
- Of course they're paying me.

Tom pays me.

I don't mean
paying you to get coffee,

paying you for the idea.

They should
pay you for that.

I don't get paid for that.

It's your idea.

No, I'm good.

What did they want?

Joe and Marilyn.
What did they yearn for?

They didn't want
publicists around all the time.

They got tired of the phones
ringing all the time.

What did they want?

A nice, little house.

A home-cooked meal.

DiMaggio loved
his sister's meatballs.

That's not
what they wanted.

It is, actually.

They also wanted
the phones to stop ringing,

and their stupid publicists
to leave them alone.

They wanted
a simple life together

that was uncomplicated.

Marriage is a good thing.

"Marriage is a good thing."

Who's arguing with you?

"Marriage is
a good thing."

What are you looking for?

My... my notebook.

I want to see what I put down
for the first draft.

Where's my bag?

It's in the kitchen.

I had Ellis
call Eileen's office.

They made an offer
to Michael.

I'm telling you, Tom,
it's a long shot.

He's not gonna do it.

There she is.

- What happened to the beard?
- Your mom hated it.

Look at you.
You need help, mom?

Let me get that, honey.
Y-you go on in.

Okay.

Bring half
of New York with ya?

She didn't
get that big part.

She give you any details?
What happened?

You know, I can hear you.

Your... your mom
was just filling me in.

I'm fine, daddy.

I didn't get the lead, but it
was a total long shot anyway.

I'm gonna be in the ensemble.
I'm so excited.

It's a workshop, so I'm...

I'm getting in
on the ground floor,

and the people
who are writing it

are, like,
the top New York composers.

It's... it's totally
a huge opportunity.

So, what does
this workshop pay?

200 a week.

Will they hold your job
for you while you do it?

Roger!

I got it, mom. Thanks.

Daddy...

I'm really glad to be here.

And tomorrow I'm going
to marlena's baby shower

and for two days, I'm not gonna
even think about Broadway.

Bye, guys.
We'll be at vintage.

Bye, Luce.

It hasn't been that long.

It's been three days.

Three days isn't long.

Yeah,
if you're in high school,

and your boyfriend
is an idiot.

The theater
is high school,

and directors are the biggest
idiots out there.

Right.

Are you two trying to make me
feel better or worse?

Look, why don't you
just call him?

Because I don't
want to be pushy.

Every time Marilyn tried
to be pushy, it backfired.

Marilyn was famous
for knowing how to dial a phone.

What do you think it means
that we never go to his place?

Why don't you ask him?

Why don't you
just call Derek?

I'm getting a call?
What for?

You've already
got the part.

Derek,
what're you doing here?

Well, that's nice,
I can go.

- No, no, no.
- See ya, Ivy.

We're outta here.

I saw the show tonight.

You were terrific.

I look like a duck
in that costume.

A very fetching duck.

What's that?

Julia's notebook.

Julia's notebook?
What are you doing with it?

I took it.

You took it?

Well,
you gave me the idea.

I did not.

Okay, you said
they should be paying me,

and they should.

And they're not.

That Julia
has it in for me.

Seriously, she's a problem,

and I'm not just gonna
lie down for it.

I'm allowed
to defend myself, right?

By stealing from her?

I'm gonna give it back.

I never said I wasn't
gonna give it back,

I just want to see
if there's anything interesting.

Is there?

Mostly song lyrics,
but...

Hang on.

What?

I wanna see it.

You little spy.

I'm a spy now.

You're a secret agent.

That's right I am.

- He's so beautiful.
- I know.

I just want to be
a great father.

Theater's
so irresponsible, and...

I need to support us.
I need to support him.

You need to be
the best man that you can be.

I think that Artie would love to
see his dad play Joe DiMaggio.

Even for $200 a week.

Michael.

Julia, hi.

I didn't expect
to see you here.

Likewise.

I wanted to talk Eileen
through the new outline.

She's not in yet.

Would you mind
giving this to her, please?

I'll put it
right on her desk.

Thanks.

Show's great.

Well, it's not really
a show yet.

It's just a concept
and a few songs.

It's more than that.

I think what you have
is terrific.

I'm in.

That's great.

When we didn't
hear from you right away,

I-I-I thought
that you might pass.

Yeah, I thought
I might too.

How's Frank?

- He's great.
- And Leo?

He's great too.

- I got married.
- I heard. Yeah.

I have a kid.

That's...

That's great.

You smell good.

See you in rehearsal.

Yeah.

- Excuse me, Mrs. Rand.
- Yes.

A gentleman at the bar
sent this over for you.

Someone at the bar
sent me this?

And he also thought
you would like this.

It's a Manhattan.

It's for throwing.

I'm meeting someone,
Jerry.

Manny Azenberg.

I bumped into him
this afternoon.

He told me you were
having dinner

to talk about
this "Marilyn" thing.

I said there had to be
some mistake,

because you and I
were having dinner.

For goodness sake.

Eileen.
Have dinner with me.

I'm not having dinner
with you.

- You're divorcing me.
- You're divorcing me.

Yes, I am.
Go back to your blondes.

They're boring.

They all blend together.

You never do.

You like the earrings?

They're lovely.
You have exquisite taste.

When you weren't
cheating on me,

it was one of the things
I really enjoyed about you.

I saw them in the window
of a little boutique in Soho.

They look so much like you.

Come here.

- Don't even...
- Come here.

Try touching me.

Fine.

Look, Manny is, in fact,
interested in Marilyn.

He's ready to come in.

He hasn't even seen the specs.

I was gonna walk him
through them tonight.

Eileen, I talked to him.
He's in.

For crying out loud.

What do you think
you're doing?

I think I'm helping you
get your musical produced.

That's what I thought
you thought you were doing,

but you know what?

That's not
what you're doing.

One of the last great
theater producers

has signed on
to your little... musical.

Because of me.

You know those earrings
you made fun of?

Well, clearly you thought

someone else
had bought them for me.

And that's what
pissed you off.

And that's what this
is all about.

Come on.

I bought them myself,
Jerry.

I bought those earrings
for myself.

And you know what?

This is my musical,
and I am producing it by myself.

This is great. I didn't even
know it was back here.

And the food is amazing.

So, how are things
at Heaven on earth?

Fine. Terrific.

It's such a fun show
to do every night.

I know your contract
is coming up.

Well, yeah.

Unfortunately, I don't have
a clue about the running costs,

so I don't know what
they're gonna be offering

by way of a bump.

But I know everyone
wants you to stay,

and hopes you will stay.

I-I don't need a...

That's not why
I asked you to lunch.

It's not?

No.

Actually, I was...

I was asking you on a date.

A date.

Yes.

I was feeling
kind of shy about it.

But Ivy...

You know, she told me
to go for it.

And I thought, "why not?"

She's dating Derek Wills.

Why shouldn't I...

Ivy is dating
Derek Wills?

It's not actually
a secret.

They're having sex
in the dressing room.

Really?

It is completely unethical.

People have sex
all the time, Tom.

It is hardly
considered unethical.

He is taking
advantage of her.

Maybe Ivy's
taking advantage of him.

She did get the part.

She got the part
because she was fantastic.

And sleeping with the director
probably didn't hurt either.

That's ridiculous.

And by the way,
it proves my point.

I don't think it does.

It's show business.

In shows, people...

They sleep together.
It happens. It just happens.

So, you don't care.

Of course I care.

I guess I just don't judge.

Well... I do!

Come on.
Don't walk away.

Come on! Tom!

- Hi.
- Ellis...

I didn't know
that you were here.

I was just
straightening up.

He sounds really upset.

- Yes, he is. Excuse me.
- Can I just... I'm sorry.

What is it?

I just feel like
maybe you should

give him a little space
right now.

Well, I think that
I don't need Tom's assistant

explaining to me
how to handle him.

You know what?
I'm gonna get you a cup of tea.

No, I don't need you
to make me a cup of tea.

What I really need...

Actually,
you know what I need?

Is for you to go.

Can you go?

Tom is upset,

and he and I have a few things
that we need to work out,

and we're gonna
need privacy to do it.

But I don't work for you.
I work for Tom.

You can't actually just order me
to leave his apartment

because I don't
work for you.

Listen...

You should be careful
about what you say next.

You have a real problem
with your temper, you know that?

I fired you once.
I can do it again.

You can sure try.

And then we'll see
if it sticks,

because it kinda didn't
the last time.

Did it?

I'm really glad
we cleared the air.

And you know what?

I found your notebook.

It was underneath Tom's mail,
and he looked all over for it.

And I knew you were
really worried about it, so...

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

- My God, there she is.
- My God!

Hi!

Karen Cartwright,
Broadway baby!

Excuse me.

Sorry.

- Hi!
- Hi! Thank you.

Baby. My baby.

- Hi.
- Amy. You look so pretty.

My gosh.

That was a fast one
you pulled on me, Manny.

Standing me up yesterday.

Jerry wants something,
he can be pretty persuasive.

Yes, well, we're here now.
Let me run you through this.

Our Marilyn is a terrific
musical theater actress

by the name of Ivy Lynn.

She's a completely
thrilling talent.

- She did a year in wicked.
- Yeah.

I heard you're going to
do this without a star.

Well, I'm glad to hear
people are talking about us.

Who'd you hear
that from, Manny?

Who do you think?

Let me run you
through this.

Jerry already did.

Jerry isn't
producing this with me.

Well, when he is,
let me know.

No disrespect, Eileen.

But I'm just
more comfortable

dealing with him
on the business side.

He wants to support you?

Your boyfriend
sounds awesome.

He is awesome, but I don't
want him supporting me.

You know,
feminism's overrated.

- What does that mean?
- It means don't be an idiot.

It is awesome your boyfriend
wants to support you.

And half our class
is already married.

It's a pretty good deal.

This is adorable!

My God,
the baby's gonna love this.

It's for you, actually.

Really? For me?

You're having a baby.
It's a big commitment.

You're gonna
need a friend, so you...

Hug him, and call me.

You know nothing
about having babies,

and you're gonna be
totally useless.

That's true.

Time for some karaoke!

Hey, Broadway!

- No.
- You wanna give me a present?

Get up there and sing.

Come on,
come on, come on.

I just gave you a present.

- You always...
- Come on. Hurry, hurry.

Do I even get to pick
my own song this time?

It's my shower,
you sing my song.

- No.
- Yes!

Great. Like I've never
sung this one before.

I love when you
sing this song.

- Can I eat that?
- Thanks.

Well, I ain't never

Yes!-

Been the Barbie doll type
Yeah!

No, I can't swig

that chic champagne

I'd rather drink beer
all night

in a tavern,
or in a honky tonk

or on a four-wheel drive
tailgate

I've got posters
on my wall

of skynyrd, kid,
and strait

some people
look down on me

but I don't give a rip

I'll stand barefooted

in my own front yard
with a baby on my hip

'cause I'm
a redneck woman

I ain't
no high-class broad

I'm just a product
of my raisin'

I say, "hey, y'all,"
and "yee haw"

and I keep
my Christmas lights on

on my front porch
all year long

and I know all the words

to every
Tanya Tucker song

so here's to
all my sisters out there

keepin' it country

and let me get
a big "hell yeah"

from the redneck girls
like me

hell yeah

Hell yeah!

Come on!

Get up here, you guys!

Hey, I'm a redneck woman

I ain't
no high-class broad

I'm just a product
of my raisin'

and I say, "hey, y'all,"
and "yee haw"

I keep
my Christmas lights on

on my front porch
all year long

and I know all the words

to every
ol' bocephus song

so here's to
all my sisters out there

keepin' it country

let me get
a big "hell yeah"

from the redneck girls
like me

Hell yeah!

I said hell yeah
Hell yeah!

I said hell yeah...
- Hell yeah!

Yeah...

Oh, yes...

Thank you.

All right.
All right, who's next?

Derek, can I...

Can I ask you a question?

Sure.

Why don't we ever
go to your place?

Oh, God.

What?

It's ridiculous,
really.

My neighbors
on the floor below, um,

they've just
installed a new stove.

- Stove.
- Yeah.

You know,
one of those giant things.

You know,
it takes up half a room.

It's so big, it has to have
entirely new gas pipes,

so they've turned off the gas,
and now they've broken the gas,

and now I have no gas.

You can laugh.

But the whole building's
a wreck.

My kitchen's a disaster area.
I can't even boil an egg.

- No...
- It's not funny.

No, no, I just...

I thought you didn't want me
in your home or something.

Darling.

I want you everywhere.

So, no worries,
all right?

nothing
can beat the view

when as far...

as the eye can see

there's...

No one but Mr.

No one but Mrs.

Smith and...

I'm sorry
we got into a fight.

Me too.

I've got to
tell you something.

No, it's okay.

I know I'm uptight about Derek,
and I need to relax.

No. Well, yes.
That's true.

But I've got to tell you
something else.

Just the history with him
is so terrible, and I just...

I love Ivy so much...

I had an affair
with Michael swift.

Five years ago.

When we were
working ready money.

I...We...

Had a really...

And it lasted for a while.

And it was really...

And I didn't tell you.

And I didn't tell anyone,
actually.

- Frank doesn't know?
- No one knows.

Never should've happened.

How did it happen?

Michael is just...

He was so good in our show.

And you know
what a huge turn-on that is,

when someone is just
so great in your show.

Yes.

That's all it was.
It was just...

A show crush.

But then...

I was down at city hall,

and I was gonna walk home

over the Brooklyn bridge,

and we bumped
into each other.

- The Brooklyn bridge.
- Right.

Right?
Sweetie.

God.

It's over.

It's been over for a while.

I just...

Need to help me
not go back there.

- And...

No one else can know.

Girls are coming
to pick you up?

Yeah, they're taking me
to the airport.

Listen, uh, Karen.

- Dad, I...
- I wanted to talk to...

- Now, hear me out.
- No, you hear me out.

I'm fine.

I'm great.

Do you know that even being
in the chorus of a workshop

is so much bigger than so many
people ever get to do?

This is good,
what's happening to me.

It's good.

I'm good.

I know, I...

I just, uh...

Want to give you this.

- Dad, I...
- I'm your dad.

I got... I gotta help out.

Once in a while,
you gotta let me,

You smell like smoke.
Why do you smell like smoke?

I don't know.

He missed church
this morning, too.

Apparently,
he was out late last night.

You were there?

Well, I didn't
want to miss my chance to...

I haven't heard you sing
in so long.

You're really good.

Come on, Broadway baby!

Got to get you back
to the big time.

- Yeah.
- -hoo!

Okay.

Thanks.

Go on. Go.

- By mom.
- Love you.

I love you too.

- Hi.
- Hello.

Call the justice
of the peace

but don't tell him
our names

don't put out
a press release

or mention
baseball games

book the nearest
bridal suite

one room
will suit us fine

for the desk clerk
that we meet

the only autograph
we'll sign is...

Mr. and Mrs. Smith

simply the folks
next door

people without
a single clue what

an agent or grip is for

nothing
can beat the view

when as far
as the eye can see

there's no one but Mrs.

No one but Mr.

Smith and me

for a home
the man provides

that cottage
built for two

we'll check the small town
classifieds

Variety won't do

then we'll move
to main street, U.S.A.

and sign
the deed of trust

the mailbox
at our hideaway

will tell the whole wide world
that we're just

Mr. and Mrs. Smith

merely the folks
next door

people who use
their kitchen each night

who've never
been in toots shor

Yeah.

nothing
can beat the view

for as far
as the eye can see there's

no one but Mrs.

No one but Mr.

Smith and me

no early calls

no big premieres

no lush romantic theme

we'll spend the nights

making our own

little league
baseball team...

we're no one
you've ever seen

movie stars don't
live anywhere here

except on the local
drive-in screen

yes, I'd gladly
disappear

if it might
guarantee a view of

no one but Mr.

No one but Mrs.

Smith and you