Slings and Arrows (2003–2006): Season 3, Episode 5 - All Blessed Secrets - full transcript

Well, he's got
to stop the heroin.

That's a given.

Geoffrey: He'll
fight you on that.

Oh, I know how to handle
grumpy old men.

Oh, yeah?
What do you use?

You sweet-talk them
or wear short skirts,

Or do you just wrestle
them to the ground?

I have my ways.

You know, anna,
you're sensible, right?

How do you deal
with failure?

Why are we talking
about failure?



You haven't failed.

Well, I just
cancelled an opening.

I've been downsized
at the studio theater,

And i'm now living
in an apartment

With an almost-dead guy.

If that's not failure, it's
got to be in the ballpark.

Well, when life
hands you lemons,

Make lemonade.

Wow, that's like something
you'd see on a pillow.

I have that
on a pillow.

My granny
stitched it.

Granny conroy?

You got a problem
with that?

No, no.



Know what else
she used to say?

"you can have my gun
when you can pry it

Out of my cold,
dead hands"?

Yes, and she also used
to say, "you can't fail

If you keep putting
your best foot forward."

Real failure
always starts

With someone doing
something stupid.

Man: ♪ when life takes its toll
and fate treats you bad ♪

♪ you used to be king,
and now you've been had ♪

♪ alone with your fool,
you think you'll go mad ♪

♪ it's nice to take
a walk in the rain ♪

♪ a stomp through a storm
is what i'd advise ♪

♪ when people you trust
tell nothing but lies ♪

♪ and kidnap your friend
and gouge out his eyes ♪

♪ it's nice to take
a walk in the rain ♪

♪ you say your daughters
are evil plotters ♪

♪ a bit about the shower
will keep you sane ♪

♪ when all has been said
and all have been slain ♪

♪ it's good to take
a walk in the rain ♪

♪ for several hours ♪

♪ helps to have a howl
in the rain ♪

♪ without your clothes on ♪

♪ nice to take a walk
in the rain ♪

[applause and cheering]

[laughing]

You would not
believe--

Shh, she's asleep.

So is my arm.

Oh.

So?

Charles: I don't shoot up just
for the fun of it, you know?

It's for the pain.

That's why i'm putting
you on a hydromorphone.

It's safer.

Heroin has additives that
can cause blood clots,

And those blood clots

Can migrate
to your brain,

And then you die
of a stroke.

Is that
what you want?

No. It's always been
my dream to die of cancer.

Eat your oatmeal.

I'm not hungry.

Where's oliver?

I'm going to get you
some marijuana

For your appetite.

Now, i've drawn up
a new drug schedule--

You can take this chart
and shove it up your bum.

Marijuana will help
with that, too.

What?
Your attitude.

Oh, fuck off.

All right.
That's enough of that.

People here are
trying to help you.

You try that one more
time, and i'll smack you

So hard your cousin
will fall down.

[laughing]

[laughs]

Is that
granny conroy again?

Yes. It is,
actually.

I like her.
Wrap her up.

I'll get
some more oatmeal.

Good, and this time,

Charles is going
to eat every bite.

Spoon.

Good morning, sunshine.
These are for you.

Oh, you really didn't
have to do that.

They're not from me.

Geoffrey?
No.

They're from chris.

Hmm, it's like he's
stalking me or something.

I see
you opened them.

Why would you think
I would buy you flowers?

We had a fight.

That wasn't a fight.

That was just me yelling
some sense into your head.

I'm sorry
if i'm hard on you.

It's just because
I love you.

So you keep
telling me.

Things are really
shitty right now,

And they're only
gonna get shittier.

The show
is a disaster.

Your boyfriend
hasn't called in days.

Mine has run out
of batteries.

This is a time for us
women to stick together.

Let's have
a margarita night...

Oh, god,
not another one.

Only this time,
we'll invite sophie.

I mean, this
is her first show.

Things have got
to be harder on her

Than they are on us
right now.

Charles is
all over her.

You're right.
She looks miserable.

We will
invite her over.

We will tell her
everything we wish

Someone had told us
when we were young.

We better get her
drunk first.

Mm.

Hi.
Hi, richard.

Good morning, anna.

Good morning.

Sexy anna.
What?

That's my new
nickname for you--

Sexy anna.

It's because
you're sexy.

Richard, we've talked
about this before.

I really don't feel
comfortable with that.

Oh, come on, anna.
Lighten up.

It's just
a nickname.

Besides, it's
because you're sexy.

You know, I think i'd make
a very good lover for you.

You'd have very big
orgasms with me.

Ok, richard.
That's really creepy.

Stop it now.
Fine.

I know where the line
is, all right?

You're pretty happy,

Considering we just
cancelled an opening.

Well, things
have turned out

A little better
than i'd hoped.

We're moving "king lear"
out of the rose,

And we're moving
"east hastings" in.

My little workshop
is going to become

A full-scale production.

Wow, that's--

Oh, wow.
Yeah.

I'm only telling you
because you're so sexy.

I'll tell you
something else

Because you're
so sexy, and that is

That I found out
something about charles.

Oh?
Yeah.

He's an alcoholic.

He was plastered

The night
of the opening.

Isn't that sad?

Oh, that's--
that's terrible.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Whoo! Anna,
you are all woman.

Richard!

Lighten up. Jeez.

Darren.

Big dick.

Well, that's what they
call you, isn't it?

It's a nickname.

Obviously.

I've had my share
of nicknames in the past,

But rarely have they had
such positive connotations.

Thank you.

Darren, i've got
some news--

Let me explain
something to you.

I don't care
if the actors like me--

Truth be told, I thrive
on their antipathy--

But I do not appreciate
having my authority

Undermined by anyone.
Darren--

I acknowledge you had
some small contribution

To the final product,
but flatter yourself not.

All you really did was make
the piece much more accessible,

A word that,
I am proud to say,

Is rarely associated with
the work of darren nichols.

"east hastings" is
moving to the rose.

The rose?
Yes.

But what about
geoffrey's "lear"?

There have been
problems.

It's switching
to the studio.

We'll have
to restage it.

Yes. Bigger.
Lasers?

Anything you want.

Well...

Well, accessibility
does have its virtues,

Given the right
context.

[both laugh]

I want to tell
the actors.

Only if you
thank me profusely.

You know what?
This is really ridiculous,

Just because she's
in the musical company.

She is an actor, sophie.
She is just like us.

She's nothing like me.
She is.

You calling me an idiot?
No.

Well, maybe you
didn't notice, paul,

But she's
a complete moron.

Sophie--

She can barely
form a sentence, ok?

That's why i'm mad.

I didn't think you
were the kind of person

Who'd be attracted
to a complete idiot.

Ok. Look.
Shut up.

We're starting.

Welcome, everybody.

No doubt, you have all heard
the various rumors

That are swirling around
about charles.

Basically, to be brief,
charles had...

An accident.

An accident.

He's fine,
but it does mean

That we're going to need
just a little bit more time

To prepare him
for the opening,

And that means we will be
delaying for a week.

Ohh...
What?

Well, now, it's not gonna be
a complete waste of time

Because we are also
changing venues.

Oh, no.
Goddamn it.

We are going to move
into the studio theater,

And the--ahem--musical

Is going to be
taking over the rose.

Oh, jesus christ.

Now listen.

I don't want any of you
to interpret this

As a lack of confidence
in the production

Because it isn't.

It really is not.

We have a megahit on our hands,

And the demand for tickets
has been overwhelming,

So I am thrilled to announce
that richard smith-jones

Has wisely decided
to move "east hastings"

Into the rose
and extend the run.

Whoa! Yeah!
Aah!

Now, there's gonna be
a lot of hard work.

We are moving into
a much smaller space.

We have fewer
lighting instruments.

We have only one usable wing.

This is not just about plopping
the set down on a bigger stage.

This is about expansion.
We have more lights.

We have more seats,
and we have more money,

Thanks again,
to richard smith-jones.

I see this show
as growing exponentially.

I see video projection screens.

I see lasers. I see flames.

We're gonna blow the roof
off this fucking festival.

You know, maybe we should--

Maybe it would help
if we thought of it this way.

Lear loses everything.

He loses his money,
his power,

His humanity, his sanity,

And it is only
when he is all alone,

Naked, and in a storm that
he is able to discover his...

Dignity.

Dignity.

His dignity.

Ah, here's charles.

Maria: Ok, everyone.

If you could clean out
your dressing rooms...

Richard: Oh, and one more thing.

The t-shirts
have arrived.

[all clamoring]

Esta es una cancion
acerca de un burro

Que no tiene hogar.

"it is a song about
a homeless donkey."

Es una cancion
muy triste.

"it's sad."
oh.

El burro se llama pluma
porque se lo avienta.

"his name is pluma."

Whose name?
The donkey.

It means feather

Because he gets
blown around, you know?

Hasta que un dia,
descubre que su casa

Es donde se encuentra.

It has
a happy ending.

Oh, good.

[singing in spanish]

Ah, is that the...

Yes. Why?

Take a look.

[thunder]

[wind blowing]

I love it!

It's yours.

[thunder]

Sorry.

Ooh, ho ho hoy!

Es tri--

In, boy.
Go first.

Nay, get thee in.

I'll pray,
and then i'll sleep.

Poor naked wretches,

Whereso'er you are,

That bide the pelting
of this pitiless storm,

How shall your houseless heads
and unfed sides,

Your looped
and windowed raggedness,

Defend you from seasons
such as this?

He's so...

Learish.

Works in here.
It's better, actually.

He doesn't have
to strain so much.

Shh.

Charles: That thou mayst
shake the superflux...

[knocks on door]

Sophie.
Hi.

Welcome.
Hi.

Cinderella,
cinderella.

Sorry?

It's because
you're playing cordelia.

And we're your
evil sisters.

Margarita?
Don't say no.

Uh, please. Yeah.
Good girl.

We're already
on our third.

Just toss
your coat anywhere.

Barbara and I
were roommates on tour

Many years ago.
Yes.

Ellen was
a complete slut.

And here
we are again.

So, how's
your house?

Do you get along
with everybody?

Ok. Yeah.
Not great.

I'll bet. That paul--
i've seen that movie.

You know who he
reminds me of?

Mike greenfield.

Oh, no, he doesn't.

Yes, he does.

Ellen was crazy
about him.

What was the name
of that girl

You found him screwing
at the green room? Mary--

Oh, you got a scary
memory for details.

And you have terrible
taste in men.

Ha ha!

Don't mind us,
sophie.

We're just menopausal
and bitter.

I'm not--

Anyway, we're not here
to talk about us.

We're here to talk
about sophie.

Yeah, sophie.
How are you?

I'm fine.
Really?

Really?

Yeah.

I mean, it's, you know,
a dream come true

Getting to play
cordelia, right?

I feel really lucky.

Well, he's trying
to read,

And he keeps
falling asleep.

It's like baby-sitting
an 85-year-old child.

What's wrong
with you?

Nothing.
Good.

Well, you seem to have
everything under control,

And charles
is doing better.

For the moment,
yeah.

Now I think we should
go back to couples therapy.

It is not
couples therapy.

And yet I feel
so close.

Oh, I went there
on my own.

I know.

You went there seeking help
for your uncontrollable weeping,

But, geoffrey,
before I can move on,

We have to resolve
these issues that we have.

No, oliver.

You and I do not
have issues.

Ellen and I have
some problems

Which we
are working on.

Ha!
What?

You and ellen barely know
what to say to each other.

That's thin ice.

Barbara has replaced you
in the house.

Ellen doesn't
need you.

I'm not going
to therapy with you.

Get a boner lately?

Oh, you are a mean,

Pop a chub?
Nasty, lowdown

Sport any wood?
Ghost.

Know what I mean?

Spark it, casper.

Ellen: Charles
is a bully, sophie.

He's always been
like that.

It's not you.
I know.

I know that, and, you know,
i'm learning so much

From him, you know,
about shakespeare

And the verse and how you
must respect the verse,

And at the same time,
it's getting to play cordelia,

You know, and it's just
such a privilege

To say those words.

Barbara: Oh, you really
are an ingenue.

Barbara.
What?

I was an ingenue.

You were an ingenue
back in the days

When dinosaurs
still roamed the earth.

We're not that old.
I know.

Barbara: I'll tell you
something about this industry.

They hook you in
when you're green.

They promise you
the big parts--

Ooh, the big parts--
and then one day,

You're not the flavor
of the month anymore,

And--boom!--You're temping
at wood gundy,

Or you're catering,

Or you're working some
shit-for-cash tv show,

And you can't go
back to school anymore,

And anyway, what would
you do that for?

You're an actor.

You live for your audience,
for someone to applaud.

So, one day,
you look in the mirror,

And you realize you're
just a dead, empty shell.

You're not a shell,
barbara.

Look at ellen.

She has been here
her whole life,

And what has she got
to show for it?

No children,
no savings.

She doesn't even
have a car.

It makes me want
to fucking bawl my eyes out.

I should get going.
Thanks for this.

Oh, no.

I was gonna make
another pitcher.

I'm happy.

I'm a happy person.

Oh, me, too.

[clock ticking]

I gave you all--

And in good time
you gave it.

Review your blocking.
You're over there.

Am I?

Made you my guardians,
my depositaries;

But kept a reservation to be
followed with such a number.

What, must I come to you
with 5 and 20, regan?

Said you so?

And speak't again,
my lord.

No more with me.

I'll go with--

Where the hell
is goneril?

Press interview.

Another one?

She said she'd be
done by lunch.

I'm very sorry,
charles.

Fucking tv stars.

I'll go with thee.

Thy 50 yet doth double
5-and-20,

And thou art
twice her love.

"hear, me, my lord.

"what need you
5-and-20, 10, or 5,

"to follow in a house
where twice so many

Have a command
to tend you?"

What need one?

Reason not the need!

Our basest beggars are in
the poorest thing superfluous.

Allow not nature
more than nature needs.

Man's life
is cheap as beast's.

Thou art a lady.

If only to go warm
were gorgeous,

Why, nature needs not
what thou gorgeous wear'st

Which scarcely
keeps thee warm.

Charles! We didn't
rehearse this.

But, for true need--

Give me that patience,
patience I need!

You see me here, you gods,
a poor old man,

As full of grief as age;
wretched in both.

If it be you that stirs

These daughters' hearts
against their father,

Fool me not so much
to bear it tamely;

But touch me
with noble anger,

Lest not women's weapons,
water drops,

Stain my man's cheeks!

No, you unnatural hags!

I'll have such
revenges on you both

That all the world shall--

You think i'll weep.

No, i'll not weep.

I have full cause
of weeping,

But this heart shall break
into 100,000 flaws

Or ere i'll weep.

O fool...

I shall go mad.

He molested me
in front of the company.

Barbara wasn't there.

He just got a little,
you know, confused.

Don't blame barbara

And don't apologize
for charles.

He's been brutalizing
the company

For the entire rehearsal,
and you've let him.

Well, now, that's
not exactly true.

See?
This right here.

It's symptomatic
of your problems.

I-I-I--he--he--
look.

I've been
a good sport.

I know charles
has problems,

And I haven't said
anything, have I?

Who is this person,
ellen

Or just some actress
in your company?

No. That's true.
You really haven't complained.

I'm not happy,
geoffrey.

I am not happy.

Well, ellen, it's not
my job to make you happy.

It's my job
to put up a great play.

Geoffrey,
I am upset.

Two of you are trapped
in these roles, much like--

Shut up!

Fuck off.

No. I--
he--he--

What happened
to us, geoffrey?

I thought at least
we were friends.

We were.
We are friends...

What would you know
about friendship, geoffrey?

And the last
that I checked,

We were lovers
taking a little break.

In any event, this has
nothing to do with you

Or with anyone else,
for that matter.

This is about
"king lear" and charles,

And i'm just trying
to give him his lear.

Geoffrey.
What, charles?

A little help.

Oh, you're busy,
aren't you?

Yeah. Can you just
give me a minute?

No, no, no.
That's fine.

It's fine.

Oliver,
would you--

I need a little help
in my dressing room.

Of course.
Anything for a friend.

What was that?

What?

I quit.
No, ellen.

No. I can't
take this anymore.

This is too,
too much.

I deserve better
than this.

I quit.

Well, what
are you quitting?

Everything.

Charles: Incredible lack
of professionalism,

Quitting
just before opening.

Barbara will be next,
I suppose.

Geoffrey:
You attacked her!

Lear attacked regan.
It's a play.

She isn't
a fucking character!

Lear is being disowned
by his daughters.

He's on the brink
of madness,

And i'm not going
to apologize

Every time i'm motivated
to be impolite.

You are
a complete prick.

You knew that
20 years ago.

Well, yes, but I
thought maybe dying

Might make a person
more compassionate.

It doesn't.
It pisses you off.

You have a history
with ellen.

Call her up.
Offer her a second chance.

If she says no,
then we'll recast.

It's done
all the time.

What am I
doing here?

You're sacrificing
everything for you art,

And I thank you
for that.

Now, what does it say
on this pill, 500 milligrams?

Barbara:
Good morning, beauty.

What'd chris say?
Did you call him?

Oh, he's elated.

He sent the contracts
to my agent.

Well, that's good.
You stood up for yourself.

I just wish charles
had torn my dress.

It'd save me
hiring a lawyer.

I don't feel in control.
Everything is spinning.

I'm gonna make you
some ginger tea.

Geoffrey hasn't called.

No. He hasn't, which means
you're doing the right thing.

Hi.
Hi. What's up?

Oh, terrible
about ellen, eh?

Yeah.

Maria, I need
to ask you something,

And I need you
to be very discreet.

I don't want
anyone to know.

Ok.

Well, i've never
done this before.

I mean, I nearly
did it in college,

But I chickened out.

Oh. Oh, ok.

I know what you're
trying to say,

And, well,
I did try it.

Guess the whole festival
knows about it,

The props party
a couple of years ago.

Anyway,
it wasn't for me.

Oh, ok, so you
can't help me out?

Sorry.
I'm not a lesbian.

A lesbian?

Oh, god. Oh, ha ha!

No. No. Oh, that's
not what I meant.

Oh, gosh. Ha ha ha!

Oh, that wasn't
a come-on?

No. Oh, don't
be ridiculous.

God, no. I was
asking about pot,

You know, marijuana.

Oh, I know
what pot is.

So, you assume
i'm a pothead

As well as a lesbian

Because
all stage managers

Are pot-smoking
lesbians, right?

No.

Well, i'm sorry
to disappoint you,

But i'm all out.

This process has been
hard on my stash,

And my guy is out
of town till Tuesday.

Sorry.
Ok.

I'll figure something out.
Ok.

Anna, what are you doing
with my day-timer?

Oh...

Oh...Oh...

It's so stupid,
it's embarrassing.

What?

I was gonna write
my birthday in it.

It's coming up,

And I thought
you might forget.

Isn't it September?
No.

I thought
it was September.

There. You see?
You forgot. No.

It's coming up
in a couple of days.

You're kidding.
No.

You know what?
I'm taking you out.

Oh, you don't
have to do that.

No, no. Come on, anna.
No arguments. I owe you.

You've been
incredible to me

Throughout this
whole thing, you know?

Let me take you out
for your birthday.

Come on. It'll be fun.
We'll get caught up.

You and I haven't had
a good heart-to-heart

Since the musical opened.

Ok. Thanks.

Good, and, anna,
wear something hot.

[tapping]

Oh, hi.

Is she here?

No. You're safe.
Come in.

Ahem.

Ellen, I want you
to come back...

You do?

And I know
you're angry,

And you have every
reason to be angry,

But I cannot do this
without you.

"this"?

The show. "lear."

Oh, "lear."
well, I can't.

I've been offered
a television series.

That was fast.
Yeah.

Well, they've been
very persistent.

I've got
a 5-year contract.

It's really quite
a big deal.

I'll make a lot of money,
pay my taxes,

Put some aside
for retirement,

But, you know,
it's not about the money.

It's about respect.

It's about
being a grownup

And being satisfied
in my work.

He's dying.

Charles has cancer,

And he wants to play
lear before he dies.

I'm gonna kill you,
geoffrey.

I know, but he wanted
to keep it a secret,

And he made me
promise.

What, and you
couldn't tell me?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know anything,
really, anymore,

Except this,
and this I know

In my heart
of hearts,

That the answer
to your problem

Is not television.

Oh, fucking hell,
geoffrey,

I just signed a contract
this morning.

Oh, shit.
When do you start?

In a few weeks.

That's perfect.
That's perfect.

You can just help us
through to the opening.

Oh, come on,
ellen, please?

We're very close.
Please?

Shh...

Oh, god, I love you.

What?

[indistinct]

I love you.

Still don't
understand you,

But yeah, ok.

Me, too.

♪ for she's a jolly old lady ♪

♪ for she's
a jolly old lady ♪

♪ for she's a jolly old lady ♪

♪ which nobody can deny ♪

Whoo!
Whoo!

Yeah.
Whoo!

So anyway, it happened
on Tuesday.

What, before
our opening?

I didn't want
to upset anyone.

Oh, shari chere,
that's tragic.

What's tragic?

Sharon's mom's cat
has cancer.

Oh, my god,
i'm so sorry.

How old is she?
15.

Is that old?

It's old
for a cat, yeah.

Anna, it's good to see you
having a good time.

Anna is the greatest
employee in the universe.

No, truly. She is.
You know what? Wait.

We should all take turns
toasting anna.

Oh, no.
Don't. Please.

Yes. Yes.

Somebody start.

Oh. Ok. I'll start.

Um...Ok.

Anna, I don't
know you very well,

But you seem
really nice,

And--oh, shit--
happy birthday.

Aww.
Aww.

Come on.
Come here. My turn.

My aunt anna louise
was 42 when she died.

She had been
a prostitute all her life.

She simply lost
the will to live.

"east hastings"
is dedicated to her,

So, anna,
I salute you

For making
the courageous decision

To live.

I applaud you
for that.

Cheers.

Cheers.
Cheers.

Thank you.
Ok. My turn.

God, anna, um...

I don't have the words,
you know, to tell you

How much I feel about you
as a friend.

I mean, you are a wonderful,
warm, loyal friend,

You know, and i'm feeling
these big feelings right now.

Um...

I love you, anna.
No. I mean that.

As a friend,
I absolutely love you.

To anna.

To anna.
Ha ha ha!

Richard, how much
ecstasy did you take?

Just the pill
you gave me.

The whole pill?

You were just
supposed to take half.

Oh, no!
Ha ha ha!

Oh. Pfft!

You are on ecstasy,
richard?

Anna, relax.
It's a club drug.

You know, you take it
to go out.

I-i'm--um...

Thank you so much,
all of you, for this.

It's lovely.
Anna, wait.

Where are you going?

Well, we have
an opening tomorrow,

So I have a lot
of stuff to do.

Thanks so much.

She's the best.
Bye, anna.

Bye, anna.
Bye, anna.

It's got to be jelly

'cause jam don't
shake like that.

Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!
Ohh!

Just come right this--
oh, lovely to see you.

Minister,
welcome back.

Hello, richard.

Does the ambassador
have seats this time?

Ah, well, we have
no seats for sweden,

But two seats
for norway.

Ha ha ha!

And is it to be more
bolivian folk music tonight?

Oh, no, minister.
It's "king lear."

Oh, yeah.
You just go to your seats.

I'll be with you
in a minute.

Good, because
let me tell you,

It's a long drive
back to toronto

With two
dejected norwegians.

Well, don't worry.

They'll be giggling
all the way home.

"lear" is still
a tragedy, isn't it?

Well, maybe not
giggling.

Oliver: So, you
told her the truth?

Well, that's the only
reason she's doing it.

She agreed to stay on for
a couple weeks of the run,

And then she's off
to the idiot box.

Ooh, she's only gonna
run it for a few weeks?

Well, he may only
last a few weeks.

I mean, I know
this is hell,

But i'm
kind of excited.

Me, too.
Well, wait.

Are you excited
about the show,

Or are you excited about
achieving your higher purpose?

None of
your beeswax.

Anna: Charles,
did you eat?

[singing indistinctly]

Geoffrey:
What's happening?

I don't know.
It doesn't make sense.

He's on exactly
the same drug combination.

He should be fine.

I'm gonna
die tonight.

Anna: He's been
saying that a lot.

Charles, look at me.

I'm gonna
die tonight.

Is he right?
I mean, what do you think?

I think
he's right.

Oh, christ.

Maria: How we doing?
A-ok.

Oh, christ.
All right. Look.

Maria, come back
at 15.

Geoffrey, we're
past the 15.

I was about
to call places.

All right.
Just give me a minute to think.

That's exactly
what we have--

A minute.

[singing indistinctly]

All right.
Here's the plan.

Go to the booth.
Start the fucking play.

Shit.

[applause]

I say...

Excuse me.

What is going on?

Uh, nothing.
Just a little delay.

Oh, are you sending out
the bolivians again?

No. Don't be
ridiculous.

Ok. Now listen.
Charles is here?

He's actually
in the building?

Yes. Of course
he's in the building.

Ok, geoffrey.
Be honest with me.

Is he drunk again?

Oh, for god's sakes, would
you have a little respect?

He is not drunk.
He's old.

He just needs
a little more time,

But you can rest assured,
"lear" is underway.

Anna: Charles, no!
You don't need it.

Give it to me. No.
Charles, listen to me.

You don't need it.

Charles--
she betrayed me.

She's trying
to kill me.

He won't eat, and
he won't smoke the pot.

What?

Would that I
had not been born

Rather than
serve me better.

Is this man
on drugs?

Charles, look at me.
Look at me!

The play...
What?

The lear.

I am lear.

He's fine. Come on.

Richard: What?
Geoffrey, no. You can't--

It's an actor thing.
Don't worry.

He can't go out there.
He's raving.

He's fine.

What was
in that needle?

What needle?

Man: Though this knave came
something saucily into the world

Before he was sent for,
yet was his mother fair;

There was good sport...

Geoffrey:
Charles, you ready?

I know that voice.

Charles, are you ok?

Ay, every inch
a king.

When I do stare,
see how the subject quakes?

I pardon that man's life.
What was thy cause?

Adultery? Ha!
Thou shalt not die:

Die for adultery?

He thinks
he's lear.

Man: He hath been out 9 years,
and away he shall again.

Ah, the king is coming.

Charles: I remember
thine eyes well enough.

Dost thou squiny at me?

Geoffrey.

Richard: Geoffrey!

All right.

You have to go out there
and tell them we're cancelling.

Again. You know, no.
You go this time.

Oh, no. I don't
think I can.

I think i'll
start weeping.

And you think
I won't?

Now would be a good time.
There's a lull in the action.

Geoffrey, in
my office tonight.

Shoot!

[audience murmuring]

Uh, good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

No. I'm not king lear.
Heh heh.

I'm richard smith-jones,
the executive director

Of the new burbage festival.

So, how are we enjoying
the show so far?

So, he's an addict.

Well, you saw
the needle.

Hell of a shock.
I don't know.

I'm guessing
he had some kind

Of an addictive
personality

Sort of syndrome
maybe.

Anyway, I think what
you and I should do,

We have got to find
a methadone clinic

Right now, right here
in new burbage.

You fucking liar.

He's got cancer.

Barbara told you.

Yes.
Yeah.

You were gonna put
a dying man on stage?

Well, now, richard,
that really depends

On how you
define "dying."

Jesus, geoffrey!

This is not
a philosophical discussion.

What was I
supposed to do?

He begged me
not to tell anybody.

It's his dying wish.

Geoffrey,
if my dying wish

Is to drive a city bus
blindfolded,

You know,
do us all a favor.

You say no.

I know that you haven't
seen it, but I have.

Charles is lear,

And what the hell is
my mandate, anyway?

I'm supposed to be
putting on

Great performances
of great plays.

Well, great.

Then next season,
we'll start using live ammo.

Oh, christ, are you
just a numbers guy?

Don't you get it?

I get that you
lied to me...

You and anna.

I'm cancelling.
No, richard.

We can make
this thing work.

It's cancelled.
Richard--

It's over.

All right. Well,
let me tell charles.

Fine. Be my guest.
Use my phone.

Well, I can't right now.

He's over at the hospital
having a brain scan.

I'm going over.
I'll tell him then.

Good, and hey,
while you're there,

Why don't you see
if you can snag

One of those
brain scans for yourself?

[rock music playing]

Woman: Oh, my god.

I've never been
cancelled twice.

I have, but it was
theater in the park.

Oh, weather.

Even then,
i'd have gone on,

But rain is terrible
for marionettes.

I'm just saying that
richard saw it all.

There's no way
to hide it now.

But he still thought
it was the booze.

What?

I know.
Not too bright.

Why are you
so pissy about this?

Just disappointed
in you, that's all.

You've heard her sing.
Yeah.

I have heard her sing
every morning at 7 a.M.

She warms up
with "memories."

It's driving us all
fucking nuts.

Ellen: How do you
know this?

Richard told me.
When?

After the show when I
told him about charles.

I told you that
in confidence.

Well, somebody
had to tell him.

I can't let geoffrey go on
with this any longer.

You've seen her
on stage.

So?
So, she's fantastic.

She's a barbie doll.

Tell me what the problem
is with her, ok?

What is your
problem exactly?

So, she's not einstein.
So what?

You can't be an idiot
and be a good actor.

Yes, you can.
No, you can't.

Yes, you can.

When did you become
such a judgmental bitch?

Fuck right off.

I'm sorry, sophie.
Sorry.

I thought you
were my friend, ok?

I thought you'd
be happy for me.

I have
a broken heart, ok?

You broke my heart,
so if you can't see it,

You're just as stupid
as she is, I guess.

What?

Oww! Ha ha!

Oh, hey, is it true,
what we heard?

Yeah.
Oh, i'm so sorry.

I don't need your
fucking sympathy, loon.

Soph, don't.
No.

You have no idea
how hard it is.

You have no idea
what it's like

Having to go up there
and do "king lear."

Neither do you.
They keep cancelling.

Shut the fuck up,
sharon.

You never think
about anyone

But yourself ever.

Oh, what the hell
do you care now?

You quit.

The man has cancer,
you insensitive bitch.

Jerry: Hey, everybody.
Everybody listen.

I've got a son.
A son!

What did he say?

I just got back
from the hospital.

4 girls and finally a boy.

What?

Turn down
that bloody row!

You're bothering
a deaf man,

You annoying piece
of sequined fluff.

I beg your
fucking pardon?

What did
he say?

Jerry: My wife
had her baby, a boy.

No, jerry, not you.
I'm talking to this

Chirping
wiggle worm here.

On behalf of the entire
musical company,

I insist on an apology.

It's chirping,

Irrelevant chirp,
chirp chirping.

I wrote a hit musical.

Oh, look who's throwing
the gauntlet down now, duckie.

You want a gauntlet?

Oh!
Oh!

Oh, shit.

Jerry: Aah! Aah!

It was an accident.
I'm not violent.

Agh...Ohh...

I think it's back
to the hospital for daddy.

Jerry: Ohh...

Captioning made possible by
acorn media

Captioned by the national
captioning institute

♪ call the understudy ♪

♪ I can't go on tonight ♪

♪ i'm drinking with my buddy ♪

♪ i'm getting good and tight ♪

♪ before they raise ♪

♪ the curtain ♪

♪ i'll be higher than a kite ♪

♪ so, call the understudy ♪

♪ I can't
go on tonight ♪

♪ tell the cast and crew ♪

♪ to break a leg,
break a leg ♪

♪ roll me out to dump ♪

♪ the bloody keg, bloody keg ♪

♪ i'd introduce the pain ♪

♪ that life can bring ♪

♪ and liquor is what
will hit the spot ♪

♪ the play is not the thing ♪

♪ so, call the understudy ♪

♪ I think it's only right ♪

♪ my diction will be muddy ♪

♪ i'll never find me light ♪

♪ before the intermission ♪

♪ i'll be pissing on a sprite ♪

♪ so, call the understudy ♪

♪ I can't go on ♪

♪ he can't
go on ♪

♪ I won't go on ♪

♪ he shan't
go on ♪

♪ I can't go on tonight ♪

♪ damn right ♪