Slings and Arrows (2003–2006): Season 1, Episode 2 - Geoffrey Returns - full transcript
Geoffrey returns to New Burbage, for Oliver's funeral while the festival's business manager Richard Smith-Jones aided by American Holly Day scrambles to assume control. Geoffrey is surprised by a letter containing Oliver's last request. Meanwhile aspiring actress Kate McNab sneaks off to Toronto for a commercial audition and makes an unsuspected connection on the bus ride home.
Richard:
Oh my god.
Policeman:
Take a deep breath.
Richard:
No, that's not oliver welles.
Policeman:
Are you sure?
Richard:
Oliver wasn't bald.
Jesus christ! What-
Oh my god.
I didn't know he uh...
He had a...
We didn't socialize.
How did he-?
Die?
Okay...
The deceased was sleeping
in the northbound lane
Of trafalgar road
And was run over
by a semi trailer
At approximately 3:24 a.M.
In the morning.
He was sleeping
in the road?
Doctor said your friend
was intoxicated--drunk.
Well, he was celebrating.
Policeman:
Ah, good.
He died with a smile
on his face.
Not a bad way to go,
all things considered.
Thanks.
So there's some paperwork
to do, and uh,
The question of what you'd
like us to do with his body?
What?
What do you mean?
The mortimer brothers
do wonderful work.
Policeman:
Oh yes, the mortimer brothers,
they're great!
They did my grandmother.
She was all rotted out
from cancer,
But you'd never know.
(chuckles)
Richard:
Fine, mortimer brothers.
Policeman:
Good choice.
There's an office down the hall
where you can do the forms.
After you.
Attendant:
Fellas?
My favourite bird.
Oliver:
Oh no.
(piano intro)
? cheer up, hamlet ?
? chin up, hamlet ?
? buck up, you melancholy dane ?
? so your uncle is cad ?
? who murdered dad
and married mum ?
? that's really no excuse
to be as glum as you've become ?
? so wise up, hamlet ?
? rise up, hamlet ?
? perk up
and sing a new refrain ?
? your incessant monologizing ?
? fills the castle with ennui ?
? your antic disposition
is embarrassing to see ?
? and by the way,
you sulky brat, ?
? the answer is: To be ?
? you're driving
poor ophelia insane ?
? so shut up!
You rogue and peasant ?
? grow up!
It's most unpleasant ?
? cheer up,
you melancholy dane! ?
(cheers and applause)
I had to identify the body.
I didn't recognize it at first.
His head was... Bald.
Holly:
Yeah, you've got to hold it
together now.
Richard:
I'm okay.
Did he have any family?
Uh, yeah he had a mother.
Uh, no, wait,
She died a few years ago.
Good... For you.
No grieving relatives
to deal with.
Are you up to this, honey?
Yeah, uh, it's just,
you know, so unreal.
I guess that the board'll
have to meet.
Holly:
No, I'll take care
of the board.
Uh, no, I should,
I should call 'em myself.
No, you've got
enough on your plate.
I'll call the board
and we'll convene asap.
Where are you now?
I'm still at the morgue.
Oh god, the morgue.
Holly:
Don't get all weepy on me.
You're gonna no use whatsoever.
Go to the theatre,
get to work.
I'll call you in an hour.
Okay?
Yeah, okay.
Smokin' at the morgue.
We're asking for trouble, eh?
(chuckles)
Claire:
Kate, skipping out for an
audition is serious business.
You could get fired.
I know, but it's
my stupid agent.
I can't say no to him.
He just yells at me.
Claire:
What's it for?
Ugh, corny smacks.
Claire:
Oh! I'm eating them right now.
Kate:
They have eight
essential vitamins
And are a wonderfully crunchy
way to start your day.
Um, they have twelve
essential vitamins.
Twelve?
Claire:
Mmm hmm.
Oh shit. Okay.
Claire:
Tkate, don't get fired
'cause of corny smacks, okay?
(frustrated sigh)
look, I'm just- I'm gonna go
And I'm gonna do
this stupid audition
And then I'm gonna come
right back, okay?
I just need you to cover,
please?
Yeah, okay.
Kate:
Thank you.
Bye.
(sighs) okay.
They have twelve
essential vitamins
And are a wonderful way
to start your day.
They have twelve
essential vitamins
And are a wonderful way
to start your day.
A wonderfully crunchy way.
Right, thank you.
?
?
?
(clears his throat)
Coat.
Richard:
No, I have to cancel.
No, I can't!
Because there's been a death.
Look, bleaching my teeth is not
a priority for me right now.
Thank you!
Ellen's on line two.
Ellen, right.
Ellen.
(shouting) get out!
What?
Sorry, sweetie.
You should go now...
Sweetie.
(flow of water)
(snaps fingers)
we'll need to write up a memo
Uh, to tell the staff
and the actors what's going on.
What is going on?
Richard:
Well, you know...
That oliver's dead
And that we're gonna
reschedule rehearsals.
Hi, yeah,
I'm holding for the minister.
You want me to write
that oliver's dead
And we're rescheduling
rehearsals?
Not those words.
Ease into it.
Uh...
Oh listen, we're gonna
need a press release too.
No, wait!
We should have
a press conference.
Here at the theatre.
We'll need sandwiches.
Do I say that there
was an accident?
Do I mention
the pig truck?
Richard:
Anna, tell then that it was
an automobile accident,
Ask for everybody's patience,
And let them know about
the schedule changes.
You know,
anna, just let people know
What's going on
for christ's sake!
(sobs)
Anna, I can't comfort you.
I'm on hold.
(humming "greensleeves")
You need to be thinking about
details right now.
People need reassurance.
They need to know that
someone is in control.
Richard:
Thanks.
Richard:
Wi'm in my office.
Okay, as soon as you
hang up the phone
Go into oliver's office
and find his agenda.
You need to know where
the ship is heading
'cause you're the captain now.
This is a great opportunity
for you, richard.
People are wounded,
they're confused.
You just need be strong
and they will follow you.
Make your mark, okay?
I will.
Okay. Kiss, kiss.
Kiss, kiss.
Hi, I'm kate mcneil, 11:00.
I'm really sorry-
We're running behind.
Sign in and have a seat.
Oh, okay.
Hi.
Anna.
What?
Richard:
Could you unlock it, please?
Why?
Because I need
to get inside.
Why?
Richard:
Because I need to go
through his agenda.
Please.
It's in the tray.
Oh, christ, here we are.
You see?
Jack crew is arriving today
at 11:30.
Listen we're gonna have to
book him a limousine or...
Wait, should I,
should I pick him up myself?
I've got the press conference
at 1:00. I can't.
Anna:
Did you call geoffrey?
Who?
Geoffrey tennant?
He shouldn't hear
about it on the news.
Oh anna, listen,
could you please call him.
You know,
I've got the press thing...
Look, I don't know the man.
All right.
Richard:
Thanks.
(sighs)
Anna? Could you excuse me,
I've got work to do.
(sighs)
(phone rings)
He was in the theatre,
you know.
All the world's
a stage, sal.
Is it?
And we all play our parts,
don't we?
I'll remember that, reg.
You do have a way
with words.
Come on.
We've got that priest
to do before lunch.
Richard:
Is this tie appropriate?
Well, it's a bit bright,
But I don't think oliver
would want everyone in black.
No, no,
I mean for the cameras.
Oh, I thought you meant-
No. It's, it's good.
(sighs)
How are you holding up?
You know, it's surreal.
I mean I can't... Yesterday-
Did you send the car
for jack crew?
No, I thought you were
gonna meet him.
No, I said I should meet him.
Damn it!
Sorry, I misunderstood.
He's been waiting for an hour.
Oh, all right.
Send someone from now,
Call his agent and see
if he's called in, okay?
Damn it! I don't have time
to deal with this.
Sorry. (sobbing)
Anna?
Anna? It's okay.
It's okay.
Everything's fine.
Just, just find him.
Okay.
All right? Please.
Great.
I'll try.
Anna?
I'm here for you.
I'm here for everyone.
Okay.
You can tell people that.
Richard:
Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen,
I regret to announce
that oliver welles,
The artistic director
of the new burbage festival
Was killed last night
in an automobile accident.
Everyone here at the festival
Is deeply, deeply saddened and
shocked by this tragic loss.
All scheduled performances
for tonight are cancelled
In tribute to our late oliver.
A funeral will be held
on the main stage
Of the festival theatre
on Monday at 8:00 p.M.
The public is invited.
We ask for your patience and
understanding at this time.
Thank you.
Was alcohol a factor
in the accident?
The police have informed me
that the driver of the vehicle
Was not inebriated.
Reporter 1:
Are you now overseeing
the operation of the festival?
Yes, yes I am.
Reporter 2:
And how do you spell
your last name?
Smith-jones.
Just the way it sounds,
with a hyphen.
I know some of you gentlemen
and ladies are on deadline,
But if you'd like,
there are sandwiches.
Cheryl:
You wouldn't believe the phone
calls we've had this morning.
Ken gass wants to offer us
The downstairs at the factory
theatre for the show.
I've had calls from york
university and mcmaster
Offering us lights
and equipment,
And...
I had a phone call
from that guy
Who collects
the pornographic art.
He says he'd like to sponsor
the production.
What are you doing?
Where are your car keys?
In a little pocket thing.
Where are you going?
I need to return a book.
You're an active young woman
who loves corny smacks
Almost as much
as you love soccer.
Slate your name,
read your lines.
Kate:
Kate mcneil, stellar artists,
jeff thurber.
Anytime.
They have twelve
essential vitamins
And are a wonderfully crunchy
way to start your day.
Oh!
Karen hazzard:
Jesus christ!
I'm sorry!
Karen hazzard:
Did I say...
Kick the ball
at the camera?
I am so sorry.
Do you want me to do it again?
Karen hazzard:
No!
(knocking at door)
Oh, not again.
I don't want anymore!
I don't-
oh god...
Sorry, just uh,
put them over there
Or anywhere.
Find a space.
That's a lot of flowers.
Ellen:
Yes.
I suppose you want a tip.
Um, my condolences.
Ellen:
What?
Oh, well the flowers aren't
really for me.
What?
Ellen:
A friend died and he didn't
have any family
So they're sending
flowers to me
Under the mistaken impression
that we were close,
Which we haven't
been for ages.
It's all very embarrassing
and irritating.
(sighs) basil.
You should know better.
Whoa. Chameleon.
Yes, her name's sybil,
she's very cute.
Are we done here?
Sloan:
You mean his name is sybil.
What?
How long have you had him?
Ellen:
About a year.
How do you know it's a man,
A him, male?
Uh, it's a panther.
See, the stripes are brighter
on the male
And uh the body's thicker
at the base, see?
It seems so obvious
when you point it out.
You've had him for a year
And you don't even know
what sex he is?
It was a present from a friend.
A kind of a joke.
He was trying to teach me
responsibility.
Sloan:
Well they are a lot
of responsibility.
That's some joke
your friend played,
Giving you an exotic animal
as a pet.
Sounds like a jerk.
Well, he's dead now, so...
Ha ha.
Sloan:
Sybil's dehydrated.
Ellen:
(sighs) what?
Where's your bathroom?
Upstairs.
Excuse me?
Is this gonna take long?
(loud honking of horns)
Excuse me.
Um, how long before
this clears up?
What am I, kreskin?
(sighing)
Jack:
Running late?
Yes, I'm supposed to be
in a play tonight.
Jack:
You're an actress.
Well, I'm just an apprentice.
It's my first year.
I just play maids and fairies.
Do you like it?
Oh yeah, it's fantastic.
I mean, it's the theatre.
What do you do?
I'm a movie star.
Aren't we all.
I always thought
he'd grow old
And die in the arms
of some jamaican cabana boy,
But no he got run over
by a pig truck.
Oh god.
And now I'm alone,
Just me and a dehydrated
chameleon.
He's coming around, see?
I had a panther for years,
but...
I don't have the room anymore.
They need a lot of attention,
But they pay you back.
How exactly?
Sloan:
By changing colours, right?
It's so cool.
What's your name, young man?
Young, young man.
Sloan.
Ellen:
Sloan.
You're so nice.
Would you like
a cherry coke?
Or maybe a glass of wine?
(panicked, out of breath)
Kate:
Oh excuse me but
where is everybody?
No show tonight.
Cancelled.
But I'm only half an hour late
and I'm just third faerie!
You haven't heard?
Heard what?
Oh my dear, oliver welles,
he died last night.
What? So I'm not fired?
Did you hear what
I told you about oliver
Kate:
Yes. Oh that's,
that's terrible.
I'm so sorry. How?
He was hit by a truck.
A pig truck, apparently.
Oh my god.
No, no, we were just
talking last night.
So were we.
So? So what's gonna happen
to hamlet?
Nahum:
Hamlet will be hamlet.
An ineffable tragedy
of the human spirit
That still resonates,
even today.
Oh god.
Oh god!
Now just to allay any fears,
richard smith-jones is handling
All of the day to day affairs
of the festival.
And I must add that he's doing
an absolutely wonderful job.
We'd be in a pretty sorry
state without him, so...
(claps)
(applause)
Well, on behalf of the board
I'd like to thank you for all
you've done already, ms. Day.
(applause)
Well now, um, I'm sure some
of you have missed your supper
So I have arranged
For a little texas-style buffet
in the vip lounge.
So please go and help
yourselves y'all.
(chuckles) enjoy.
You know I uh,
I don't envy your job
Over the next few weeks.
May:
In what sense, dear?
Holly:
Oh, you know,
there's bound to be trouble
About who's gonna
take over the festival.
You know,
I was on the board
Of the carnegie museum
in pittsburgh
And we lost one
of our directors.
It wasn't pretty.
Well, in this country...
Picking an artistic director
is always a bloodbath.
You know what? My advice,
get it over with quick.
Don't give the board
any time to think.
Just be decisive.
The plain of auvers.
I'm sorry?
That haunting van gogh
at the carnegie.
Oh, yes.
Yeah that's gorgeous.
You think so?
I always found it
quite disturbing.
He painted it four days
before he shot himself.
You know I was there for such
a short time so... (laughs)
You know what? Listen,
I am just gonna uh,
Go check out the buffet and
see if there's any ribs left.
Can I rustle you
up something?
No, thank you.
This is it, sal.
He looks more alive
than you or I.
Who'll do us when
we're gone, sal?
Who'll do us
when we're gone?
(knocking)
Everything ready here?
Yes it is,
ms. Conroy.
Um, tomorrow,
after the funeral,
What will you do
with oliver's body?
I mean, will you cremate it
right away, or...
He's scheduled
for Tuesday afternoon.
Um, would you...
Would it be possible to...
Um, I mean legally it's...
Never mind, never mind.
I'm sorry.
I'm just, I'm just a little
bit lost right now. So...
We understand.
I'm going to be sick.
I'm so ashamed.
I feel like I let
oliver down.
Well that's because
the theatre is a family
And you feel like
you betrayed him,
But really it's not
the end of the world.
You didn't get caught.
I hate my agent.
I don't, I don't want to do
commercial auditions anymore.
No more corny smacks.
Claire:
I stopped doing commercial
auditions
When I was hired here.
I felt I was beyond them.
Dialogue--it was
so stupid too.
(cell phone beeps)
Message.
I'm going to read a sonnet
at the funeral tomorrow.
Really?
Did they ask you?
No, but I think oliver
would have wanted me to
And it's great exposure.
Fuck!
I got the commercial.
Oh fuck off!
What am I gonna do?
Are you kidding me?
You're going to do
the commercial.
But it shoots tomorrow.
I'm gonna miss the funeral.
It's a national.
Think of the money.
And the exposure
you get there
Far outweighs the exposure
you're gonna get
Sitting in the audience
of a funeral.
No, no, it's not that.
It's-
Claire:
It's what? It's what?
It's loyalty?
(laughs) okay, no offence
but...
You're an apprentice.
It's not like you and oliver
were best buddies.
Fuck.
I wanted to be there.
(exasperated sigh)
Geoffrey:
Excuse me,
am too late?
Sal:
No. Take your time.
Oliver:
So this is what it takes for
you to drop by and say hello?
And what have we here? Oh.
That would be the proverbial
hatchet, I assume.
Keep it.
I've read it a thousand times.
Geoffrey.
I didn't waste my life, did I?
Maybe the last few years I did,
And university,
that was a waste.
'
what was I thinking?
But there was a while there,
I did something worthwhile.
I think I moved people,
touched them.
I think we did, together.
That wasn't a waste, was it?
Oh tell me it wasn't.
Shut up.
Oh, make an effort, would you?
I'm talking to you from the
other side, for god's sake.
That must mean we have some
kind of a connection.
Or do you hear voices
all the time?
Is this a crazy thing
or do we have a connection?
Geoffrey:
Shut up!
Jesus!
I'm sorry.
Oh.
Hello, geoffrey.
Hello, may.
May:
I'm so glad you came.
I really don't know
why I did.
Because he was
your friend.
Was my friend.
Geoffrey...
I want you to come
to the funeral.
Would you?
I want you to speak.
Oh may, what...
What could I possibly say?
The truth.
It might be refreshing.
Please, geoffrey.
For me.
(relenting noises)
Oliver:
Don't forget your book.
Just...
Check. Check. Check one,
To be or not to be,
that is the question.
Maria:
Get off the stage!
What do you mean
he won't do it?
He says he...
Can we have some more
colour on the coffin?
Bring 35 through 65 up ten.
Anna:
He says that as an anglican,
He's not allowed to perform
the funeral services
Anywhere but in a church.
But, jesus christ!
They do burials at sea,
don't they?
Where are the masks
I asked for?
Trevor said
they were cut.
Trevor?
Maria:
(laughing)
he said they were tacky.
I like them.
They are not cut.
You get me those greek
tragedy comedy masks
Because they match
the greek columns.
And you tell trevor
That if he wants to diddle
with the design,
He's go to go through me
first, all right?
Anna, can't you just handle
the minister thing?
Do we even need one?
Oliver didn't believe in god.
I don't care what
oliver believed!
Look, we need religious
content, all right?
Somebody tonight has got
to mention god.
So I want you to go
and find me a preacher
And bring him back here
by 7:30.
Okay? Do you understand?
Anna:
Yes, I understand.
Did you find jack crew yet?
Oh god!
Anna, anna, anna, anna,
anna, anna, anna, anna.
What kind of gel are you using?
It looks like
a Halloween pageant.
Um...
Anna, anna.
Well, richard.
This is going to be
a difficult evening.
No, not if everyone keeps
it under five minutes,
It'll be fine.
I meant...
Emotionally difficult.
Oh, god!
May, I'm sorry.
I'm just so caught up
with the details.
That's all right.
We all handle grief
in our own way.
Yes.
Who's that?
May:
Oh geoffrey!
You came.
For you.
Nahum.
There's a chameleon
in the green room.
I'm so sorry.
I will get it right away.
No, no, he's mine.
His name is sybil.
Oliver gave him
to me ages ago.
I put him the green room
Because he spends so much
time alone at my home,
And I've heard that chameleons
really crave attention.
Is that true?
I wouldn't know.
Oh no, no,
of course you wouldn't.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean-
Anyway, I wanted to tell you
that he's in the green room,
So you wouldn't scream when
you saw him. Many have.
Thank you.
I appreciate the heads up.
Maria:
Okay everyone?
May I have your
attention please.
The time limit for speeches
is five minutes.
If you go over
I will flash the lights.
We have a lot of people
speaking
And if we want to bring
the show in under two hours
We're going to have to
keep up the pace.
Thank you.
Thanks maria.
Richard, my sonnet times out
to three minutes,
Do you think I could
possibly do two?
No claire,
absolutely not.
One sonnet only.
Hmm?
Anna!
Finally.
Father.
Thank you so very much
for coming
And at such short notice.
I don't know if anna
mentioned to you but, um,
We thought we'd like to,
you know,
Make a very little reference
to god in the service.
Um, not very much.
You know, five mintues.
Would that be all right?
Oh yes, fine.
I think I can come up
with something
Appropriate for this crowd.
Richard:
(laughs) ah, great.
Let's get this show
on the road, huh?
(subdued applause)
Crikey.
I'm glad he's dead.
It would have killed him
to see this.
On behalf of oliver welles,
I would like to thank you all
for coming.
He certainly would have
appreciated the full house.
(giggles)
Richard:
Oliver was more
than a friend.
He was a colleague.
For the last eight years
I have been general manager
And because of oliver's
commitment
To making the festival
more accessible,
And because of his willingness
to forge stronger ties
With the business community,
we have been able to raise
Attendance at the festival
by 23 percent.
I make this promise to oliver,
I will continue...
(applause)
Ellen!
Geoffrey.
Anna.
Okay, but do you know
about the thing?
What thing?
(laughs) it's so disgusting
I can't even say the words.
The skull thing?
The skull thing, yes.
I didn't think
he was serious.
I've made some calls.
People hung up on me.
They said I was sick.
Somebody threatened
to call the police.
I can't handle this,
geoffrey.
Okay well,
I'll take care if it.
Oh god! Thank you!
Wait, you're not thinking of
doing this yourself, are you?
(laughs) no.
Although I can't deny
that thought
Hadn't occurred to me
once or twice.
Oh.
It's good to have
you back.
Thanks.
But I'm not, I'm not back.
I'm just... I'm visiting.
Ellen:
(sobs)
(crying)
It looks a bit like act one of
the boys from syracuse up here.
(laughter)
I met oliver at the manitoba
theatre centre in 1978,
And I was intoxicated.
The intellect... Sensitivity.
And that ability he had
To drink two bottles of beer
at the same time...
Audience:
(laughs)
Without spilling.
Albert shultz:
So he looked right at the woman
with the flowery hat
And without missing a beat
he said,
"well, if it's not my car
I'm certainly not going
to clean the upholstery."
(laughter)
Claire:
No longer mourn for me
when I am dead.
Than you shall hear
the surly sullen bell
Give warning to the world
that I am... Fled.
From this vile world,
with vilest worms to dwell.
She's a climber,
that one.
Terrible actress.
Oh she sets my teeth
on edge.
Claire:
For I did love...
Geoffrey tennant?
Richard smith-jones.
I'm the general manager.
Hi, pleased to meet you.
Oh what a sad day.
Sad, sad day.
May tells me you're
going to speak.
Consensus is four
to six minutes.
Sad day.
Uh, you're on after
her second sonnet.
Damn her.
Praising thy worth
despite his cruel hand.
Oh good. Good. Okay.
Hi...
My name is geoffrey tennant
And I've been asked to come
and help celebrate the life
And mourn the death
of oliver welles.
I dug out a copy of a play
That oliver had directed me
in at one time
And realized I'd written down
a bunch of notes from rehearsal
And I thought I'd...
Maybe share some of them
with you.
Uh, here's one.
(reading)
thank you ladies
and gentlemen,
The scene will be fine
as soon as we can all get
The knitting needles
out of our pubic hair.
Audience:
(laughs)
Geoffrey:
Uh, here's another one.
(reading)
the theatre is an empty box,
And it is our task to fill it
With fury and ecstasy
and with revolution.
You know for a time,
for a time,
There was a kind of electricity
in this place
I've not experienced
anywhere else,
Because oliver made us believe
that what we did had meaning.
He made us believe
that love could be rekindled,
That regimes could be toppled
By the simple act of telling
a story truthfully.
Ridiculous ambition really.
But it was a beautiful idea.
Now it's all gone to shit now.
I mean, we all know that
what really matters
Is that the cash registers
keep ringing
And the tourists keep streaming
through the gift shop
And when I look around
at the wreck
That this theatre's become
under oliver's reign,
I'm reminded of those words
from macbeth.
If thou couldst, doctor,
cast the water of my land,
Find her disease and purge it
to a sound and pristine health
I would applaud thee
to the very echo!
(smattering of applause)
Minister:
I've been asked to say
A few comforting words
today about god.
Well, comfort is something
that god reserves
For those who are obedient
to his will.
A great preacher once said,
"satan hath not a more speedy
way nor a fitter school,
To bring men and women into
the snare of concupiscence
And filthy lust
of wicked whoredom,
Than those places
of plays and theatre."
Anna?
Who is this man?
He's an ordained minister.
He was the only one available.
Men seek pleasure
in the company of other men
And women in the company
of other women.
They come together
in their shame to...
Get him off.
Flash the lights.
...And unwholesome acts
of depravity.
Get him off!
Flash the lights!
Flash the lights!
Minister:
Now, I don't hate homosexuals,
but I do hate what they do.
Why?
Because the bible says,
"if a man also lie with mankind
as he lieth with a woman,
They shall surely be put
to death,
Their blood shall
be upon them."
(fire alarm rings)
Homosexuality is disobedient
to god's will
Because it runs counter to the
divine command to procreate!
And god blessed noah
and his sons-
Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
There appears to be a small
fire in the building.
Please exit in an orderly
manner.
Thank you for your cooperation.
May:
Good morning, everyone.
I am keenly aware
of the interest
That all members
of this board have
In the question of selecting
a new artistic director.
So today I will need
someone to move
That we appoint an interim
artistic director immediately.
I move the motion.
Thank you holly,
But not yet.
Yesterday...
I was prepared to suggest
that there is only one person
Who could fill this role:
Our general manager,
richard smith-jones.
However, after the extraordinary
events of last night,
I have to say I've come
to a different conclusion.
Who the hell is
geoffrey tennant?
Reg:
Of course we know you,
mr. Tennant.
We saw your marc anthony.
And your prince hal.
Geoffrey:
Well that was a long time ago.
Sal:
We missed your hamlet.
Well that was very short.
How can we help you?
Ah. Well I wonder if you could
do me a favour
Of removing oliver's head
from his body,
And setting the head aside
prior to cremation--
Saving the head.
Okay, let me explain
that I'm not crazy.
With all due respect,
we have heard otherwise.
Geoffrey:
That was a temporary condition
And I assure you
I don't want to do anything
weird with the head.
As a matter of fact,
it was oliver himself
Who requested that his flesh
be removed,
And that his skull be used
In all future productions
of hamlet.
So you see it's not weird,
and in fact, it is notarized.
We've never removed
a head before.
We've sewn them
back on.
Well, I imagine it's the same
thing but in reverse.
And there are legal
implications.
You see, I would have thought
that the ethical implications
Of not respecting
a man's last wish,
Would outweigh the
legal implications.
Furthermore, I believe that
the state has no place
In the nation's bedrooms and,
by extension, their graves.
We can remove the head,
but we can't do the rendering.
We're not equipped.
I see.
And where do you suppose
a fellow would go
For such a service?
A taxidermist?
I would begin with
the less reputable firms.
Thank you.
Let's do this thing.
What was it that minister
called the theatre?
Uh, the uh, snare
of concupiscence
And the filthy lust
of wicked whoredom.
Silly bugger.
Really?
Yeah, we had to spend the
entire day on the soccer field
Choking down corny smacks.
It was cold
and we just kept doing it
Over and over and over.
It was, oh it was awful.
Well, the funeral was great.
You should have been there.
Really?
Claire:
Yeah, my sonnets rocked.
Ooh! Look who just
walked in.
This should be good.
Sloan:
But the play station 2
has more titles, right?
So do I go for better graphics
or more games?
That's my problem.
Can you go and get me
some cigarettes, sloan darling.
Yeah, sure.
Menthol, right?
That's right,
darling.
Oh, you have a son.
Not mine, I hope.
Fuck off!
I was planning on doing
just that,
But it would seem that fate
has intervened.
I have been offered a job.
Let me guess.
Someone's hired you
to slander the dead.
You're very good at that.
No.
They've asked me to be
the artistic director.
(giddy laugh)
What?
Well, interim artistic
director,
While they search
for a real one,
But you know how long that
process could take.
You know, weeks,
months, years.
You can't come back.
You're insane.
Apparently that doesn't matter
in the theatre.
Geoffrey...
This is my home.
I don't want you
in my home.
Frankly ellen, your home could
use a little cleaning.
And anyway,
don't you think
This is what oliver
would have wanted?
You and I thrust together
by his tragic death.
Well maybe you don't agree.
Why don't we ask him.
(grunts)
Is this what you wanted
you sly old devil?
(mimicking oliver)
that's right, geoffrey.
You didn't...
Mmm hmm.
I promised him that I would
look after his head.
And unlike some people,
I keep my word.
Woman:
Oh my god!
Woman:
Oh my god! It's jack crew!
Hey jack!
You know him?
Yeah, yeah.
He was on
the bus with me.
Kate, that's jack crew.
That's jack crew?
Ellen:
I'm sure you find this whole
situation very amusing,
But let me tell you
something geoffrey,
We start rehearsals
for hamlet in six days.
Yes, it's your hamlet now
and there's your star,
Right there.
I hear he's very good
with the martial arts,
But a little shaky
on the acting.
Fate is a funny thing,
isn't it?
And thus the whirligig of time
brings in his revenges.
(sighs)
?
Oh my god.
Policeman:
Take a deep breath.
Richard:
No, that's not oliver welles.
Policeman:
Are you sure?
Richard:
Oliver wasn't bald.
Jesus christ! What-
Oh my god.
I didn't know he uh...
He had a...
We didn't socialize.
How did he-?
Die?
Okay...
The deceased was sleeping
in the northbound lane
Of trafalgar road
And was run over
by a semi trailer
At approximately 3:24 a.M.
In the morning.
He was sleeping
in the road?
Doctor said your friend
was intoxicated--drunk.
Well, he was celebrating.
Policeman:
Ah, good.
He died with a smile
on his face.
Not a bad way to go,
all things considered.
Thanks.
So there's some paperwork
to do, and uh,
The question of what you'd
like us to do with his body?
What?
What do you mean?
The mortimer brothers
do wonderful work.
Policeman:
Oh yes, the mortimer brothers,
they're great!
They did my grandmother.
She was all rotted out
from cancer,
But you'd never know.
(chuckles)
Richard:
Fine, mortimer brothers.
Policeman:
Good choice.
There's an office down the hall
where you can do the forms.
After you.
Attendant:
Fellas?
My favourite bird.
Oliver:
Oh no.
(piano intro)
? cheer up, hamlet ?
? chin up, hamlet ?
? buck up, you melancholy dane ?
? so your uncle is cad ?
? who murdered dad
and married mum ?
? that's really no excuse
to be as glum as you've become ?
? so wise up, hamlet ?
? rise up, hamlet ?
? perk up
and sing a new refrain ?
? your incessant monologizing ?
? fills the castle with ennui ?
? your antic disposition
is embarrassing to see ?
? and by the way,
you sulky brat, ?
? the answer is: To be ?
? you're driving
poor ophelia insane ?
? so shut up!
You rogue and peasant ?
? grow up!
It's most unpleasant ?
? cheer up,
you melancholy dane! ?
(cheers and applause)
I had to identify the body.
I didn't recognize it at first.
His head was... Bald.
Holly:
Yeah, you've got to hold it
together now.
Richard:
I'm okay.
Did he have any family?
Uh, yeah he had a mother.
Uh, no, wait,
She died a few years ago.
Good... For you.
No grieving relatives
to deal with.
Are you up to this, honey?
Yeah, uh, it's just,
you know, so unreal.
I guess that the board'll
have to meet.
Holly:
No, I'll take care
of the board.
Uh, no, I should,
I should call 'em myself.
No, you've got
enough on your plate.
I'll call the board
and we'll convene asap.
Where are you now?
I'm still at the morgue.
Oh god, the morgue.
Holly:
Don't get all weepy on me.
You're gonna no use whatsoever.
Go to the theatre,
get to work.
I'll call you in an hour.
Okay?
Yeah, okay.
Smokin' at the morgue.
We're asking for trouble, eh?
(chuckles)
Claire:
Kate, skipping out for an
audition is serious business.
You could get fired.
I know, but it's
my stupid agent.
I can't say no to him.
He just yells at me.
Claire:
What's it for?
Ugh, corny smacks.
Claire:
Oh! I'm eating them right now.
Kate:
They have eight
essential vitamins
And are a wonderfully crunchy
way to start your day.
Um, they have twelve
essential vitamins.
Twelve?
Claire:
Mmm hmm.
Oh shit. Okay.
Claire:
Tkate, don't get fired
'cause of corny smacks, okay?
(frustrated sigh)
look, I'm just- I'm gonna go
And I'm gonna do
this stupid audition
And then I'm gonna come
right back, okay?
I just need you to cover,
please?
Yeah, okay.
Kate:
Thank you.
Bye.
(sighs) okay.
They have twelve
essential vitamins
And are a wonderful way
to start your day.
They have twelve
essential vitamins
And are a wonderful way
to start your day.
A wonderfully crunchy way.
Right, thank you.
?
?
?
(clears his throat)
Coat.
Richard:
No, I have to cancel.
No, I can't!
Because there's been a death.
Look, bleaching my teeth is not
a priority for me right now.
Thank you!
Ellen's on line two.
Ellen, right.
Ellen.
(shouting) get out!
What?
Sorry, sweetie.
You should go now...
Sweetie.
(flow of water)
(snaps fingers)
we'll need to write up a memo
Uh, to tell the staff
and the actors what's going on.
What is going on?
Richard:
Well, you know...
That oliver's dead
And that we're gonna
reschedule rehearsals.
Hi, yeah,
I'm holding for the minister.
You want me to write
that oliver's dead
And we're rescheduling
rehearsals?
Not those words.
Ease into it.
Uh...
Oh listen, we're gonna
need a press release too.
No, wait!
We should have
a press conference.
Here at the theatre.
We'll need sandwiches.
Do I say that there
was an accident?
Do I mention
the pig truck?
Richard:
Anna, tell then that it was
an automobile accident,
Ask for everybody's patience,
And let them know about
the schedule changes.
You know,
anna, just let people know
What's going on
for christ's sake!
(sobs)
Anna, I can't comfort you.
I'm on hold.
(humming "greensleeves")
You need to be thinking about
details right now.
People need reassurance.
They need to know that
someone is in control.
Richard:
Thanks.
Richard:
Wi'm in my office.
Okay, as soon as you
hang up the phone
Go into oliver's office
and find his agenda.
You need to know where
the ship is heading
'cause you're the captain now.
This is a great opportunity
for you, richard.
People are wounded,
they're confused.
You just need be strong
and they will follow you.
Make your mark, okay?
I will.
Okay. Kiss, kiss.
Kiss, kiss.
Hi, I'm kate mcneil, 11:00.
I'm really sorry-
We're running behind.
Sign in and have a seat.
Oh, okay.
Hi.
Anna.
What?
Richard:
Could you unlock it, please?
Why?
Because I need
to get inside.
Why?
Richard:
Because I need to go
through his agenda.
Please.
It's in the tray.
Oh, christ, here we are.
You see?
Jack crew is arriving today
at 11:30.
Listen we're gonna have to
book him a limousine or...
Wait, should I,
should I pick him up myself?
I've got the press conference
at 1:00. I can't.
Anna:
Did you call geoffrey?
Who?
Geoffrey tennant?
He shouldn't hear
about it on the news.
Oh anna, listen,
could you please call him.
You know,
I've got the press thing...
Look, I don't know the man.
All right.
Richard:
Thanks.
(sighs)
Anna? Could you excuse me,
I've got work to do.
(sighs)
(phone rings)
He was in the theatre,
you know.
All the world's
a stage, sal.
Is it?
And we all play our parts,
don't we?
I'll remember that, reg.
You do have a way
with words.
Come on.
We've got that priest
to do before lunch.
Richard:
Is this tie appropriate?
Well, it's a bit bright,
But I don't think oliver
would want everyone in black.
No, no,
I mean for the cameras.
Oh, I thought you meant-
No. It's, it's good.
(sighs)
How are you holding up?
You know, it's surreal.
I mean I can't... Yesterday-
Did you send the car
for jack crew?
No, I thought you were
gonna meet him.
No, I said I should meet him.
Damn it!
Sorry, I misunderstood.
He's been waiting for an hour.
Oh, all right.
Send someone from now,
Call his agent and see
if he's called in, okay?
Damn it! I don't have time
to deal with this.
Sorry. (sobbing)
Anna?
Anna? It's okay.
It's okay.
Everything's fine.
Just, just find him.
Okay.
All right? Please.
Great.
I'll try.
Anna?
I'm here for you.
I'm here for everyone.
Okay.
You can tell people that.
Richard:
Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen,
I regret to announce
that oliver welles,
The artistic director
of the new burbage festival
Was killed last night
in an automobile accident.
Everyone here at the festival
Is deeply, deeply saddened and
shocked by this tragic loss.
All scheduled performances
for tonight are cancelled
In tribute to our late oliver.
A funeral will be held
on the main stage
Of the festival theatre
on Monday at 8:00 p.M.
The public is invited.
We ask for your patience and
understanding at this time.
Thank you.
Was alcohol a factor
in the accident?
The police have informed me
that the driver of the vehicle
Was not inebriated.
Reporter 1:
Are you now overseeing
the operation of the festival?
Yes, yes I am.
Reporter 2:
And how do you spell
your last name?
Smith-jones.
Just the way it sounds,
with a hyphen.
I know some of you gentlemen
and ladies are on deadline,
But if you'd like,
there are sandwiches.
Cheryl:
You wouldn't believe the phone
calls we've had this morning.
Ken gass wants to offer us
The downstairs at the factory
theatre for the show.
I've had calls from york
university and mcmaster
Offering us lights
and equipment,
And...
I had a phone call
from that guy
Who collects
the pornographic art.
He says he'd like to sponsor
the production.
What are you doing?
Where are your car keys?
In a little pocket thing.
Where are you going?
I need to return a book.
You're an active young woman
who loves corny smacks
Almost as much
as you love soccer.
Slate your name,
read your lines.
Kate:
Kate mcneil, stellar artists,
jeff thurber.
Anytime.
They have twelve
essential vitamins
And are a wonderfully crunchy
way to start your day.
Oh!
Karen hazzard:
Jesus christ!
I'm sorry!
Karen hazzard:
Did I say...
Kick the ball
at the camera?
I am so sorry.
Do you want me to do it again?
Karen hazzard:
No!
(knocking at door)
Oh, not again.
I don't want anymore!
I don't-
oh god...
Sorry, just uh,
put them over there
Or anywhere.
Find a space.
That's a lot of flowers.
Ellen:
Yes.
I suppose you want a tip.
Um, my condolences.
Ellen:
What?
Oh, well the flowers aren't
really for me.
What?
Ellen:
A friend died and he didn't
have any family
So they're sending
flowers to me
Under the mistaken impression
that we were close,
Which we haven't
been for ages.
It's all very embarrassing
and irritating.
(sighs) basil.
You should know better.
Whoa. Chameleon.
Yes, her name's sybil,
she's very cute.
Are we done here?
Sloan:
You mean his name is sybil.
What?
How long have you had him?
Ellen:
About a year.
How do you know it's a man,
A him, male?
Uh, it's a panther.
See, the stripes are brighter
on the male
And uh the body's thicker
at the base, see?
It seems so obvious
when you point it out.
You've had him for a year
And you don't even know
what sex he is?
It was a present from a friend.
A kind of a joke.
He was trying to teach me
responsibility.
Sloan:
Well they are a lot
of responsibility.
That's some joke
your friend played,
Giving you an exotic animal
as a pet.
Sounds like a jerk.
Well, he's dead now, so...
Ha ha.
Sloan:
Sybil's dehydrated.
Ellen:
(sighs) what?
Where's your bathroom?
Upstairs.
Excuse me?
Is this gonna take long?
(loud honking of horns)
Excuse me.
Um, how long before
this clears up?
What am I, kreskin?
(sighing)
Jack:
Running late?
Yes, I'm supposed to be
in a play tonight.
Jack:
You're an actress.
Well, I'm just an apprentice.
It's my first year.
I just play maids and fairies.
Do you like it?
Oh yeah, it's fantastic.
I mean, it's the theatre.
What do you do?
I'm a movie star.
Aren't we all.
I always thought
he'd grow old
And die in the arms
of some jamaican cabana boy,
But no he got run over
by a pig truck.
Oh god.
And now I'm alone,
Just me and a dehydrated
chameleon.
He's coming around, see?
I had a panther for years,
but...
I don't have the room anymore.
They need a lot of attention,
But they pay you back.
How exactly?
Sloan:
By changing colours, right?
It's so cool.
What's your name, young man?
Young, young man.
Sloan.
Ellen:
Sloan.
You're so nice.
Would you like
a cherry coke?
Or maybe a glass of wine?
(panicked, out of breath)
Kate:
Oh excuse me but
where is everybody?
No show tonight.
Cancelled.
But I'm only half an hour late
and I'm just third faerie!
You haven't heard?
Heard what?
Oh my dear, oliver welles,
he died last night.
What? So I'm not fired?
Did you hear what
I told you about oliver
Kate:
Yes. Oh that's,
that's terrible.
I'm so sorry. How?
He was hit by a truck.
A pig truck, apparently.
Oh my god.
No, no, we were just
talking last night.
So were we.
So? So what's gonna happen
to hamlet?
Nahum:
Hamlet will be hamlet.
An ineffable tragedy
of the human spirit
That still resonates,
even today.
Oh god.
Oh god!
Now just to allay any fears,
richard smith-jones is handling
All of the day to day affairs
of the festival.
And I must add that he's doing
an absolutely wonderful job.
We'd be in a pretty sorry
state without him, so...
(claps)
(applause)
Well, on behalf of the board
I'd like to thank you for all
you've done already, ms. Day.
(applause)
Well now, um, I'm sure some
of you have missed your supper
So I have arranged
For a little texas-style buffet
in the vip lounge.
So please go and help
yourselves y'all.
(chuckles) enjoy.
You know I uh,
I don't envy your job
Over the next few weeks.
May:
In what sense, dear?
Holly:
Oh, you know,
there's bound to be trouble
About who's gonna
take over the festival.
You know,
I was on the board
Of the carnegie museum
in pittsburgh
And we lost one
of our directors.
It wasn't pretty.
Well, in this country...
Picking an artistic director
is always a bloodbath.
You know what? My advice,
get it over with quick.
Don't give the board
any time to think.
Just be decisive.
The plain of auvers.
I'm sorry?
That haunting van gogh
at the carnegie.
Oh, yes.
Yeah that's gorgeous.
You think so?
I always found it
quite disturbing.
He painted it four days
before he shot himself.
You know I was there for such
a short time so... (laughs)
You know what? Listen,
I am just gonna uh,
Go check out the buffet and
see if there's any ribs left.
Can I rustle you
up something?
No, thank you.
This is it, sal.
He looks more alive
than you or I.
Who'll do us when
we're gone, sal?
Who'll do us
when we're gone?
(knocking)
Everything ready here?
Yes it is,
ms. Conroy.
Um, tomorrow,
after the funeral,
What will you do
with oliver's body?
I mean, will you cremate it
right away, or...
He's scheduled
for Tuesday afternoon.
Um, would you...
Would it be possible to...
Um, I mean legally it's...
Never mind, never mind.
I'm sorry.
I'm just, I'm just a little
bit lost right now. So...
We understand.
I'm going to be sick.
I'm so ashamed.
I feel like I let
oliver down.
Well that's because
the theatre is a family
And you feel like
you betrayed him,
But really it's not
the end of the world.
You didn't get caught.
I hate my agent.
I don't, I don't want to do
commercial auditions anymore.
No more corny smacks.
Claire:
I stopped doing commercial
auditions
When I was hired here.
I felt I was beyond them.
Dialogue--it was
so stupid too.
(cell phone beeps)
Message.
I'm going to read a sonnet
at the funeral tomorrow.
Really?
Did they ask you?
No, but I think oliver
would have wanted me to
And it's great exposure.
Fuck!
I got the commercial.
Oh fuck off!
What am I gonna do?
Are you kidding me?
You're going to do
the commercial.
But it shoots tomorrow.
I'm gonna miss the funeral.
It's a national.
Think of the money.
And the exposure
you get there
Far outweighs the exposure
you're gonna get
Sitting in the audience
of a funeral.
No, no, it's not that.
It's-
Claire:
It's what? It's what?
It's loyalty?
(laughs) okay, no offence
but...
You're an apprentice.
It's not like you and oliver
were best buddies.
Fuck.
I wanted to be there.
(exasperated sigh)
Geoffrey:
Excuse me,
am too late?
Sal:
No. Take your time.
Oliver:
So this is what it takes for
you to drop by and say hello?
And what have we here? Oh.
That would be the proverbial
hatchet, I assume.
Keep it.
I've read it a thousand times.
Geoffrey.
I didn't waste my life, did I?
Maybe the last few years I did,
And university,
that was a waste.
'
what was I thinking?
But there was a while there,
I did something worthwhile.
I think I moved people,
touched them.
I think we did, together.
That wasn't a waste, was it?
Oh tell me it wasn't.
Shut up.
Oh, make an effort, would you?
I'm talking to you from the
other side, for god's sake.
That must mean we have some
kind of a connection.
Or do you hear voices
all the time?
Is this a crazy thing
or do we have a connection?
Geoffrey:
Shut up!
Jesus!
I'm sorry.
Oh.
Hello, geoffrey.
Hello, may.
May:
I'm so glad you came.
I really don't know
why I did.
Because he was
your friend.
Was my friend.
Geoffrey...
I want you to come
to the funeral.
Would you?
I want you to speak.
Oh may, what...
What could I possibly say?
The truth.
It might be refreshing.
Please, geoffrey.
For me.
(relenting noises)
Oliver:
Don't forget your book.
Just...
Check. Check. Check one,
To be or not to be,
that is the question.
Maria:
Get off the stage!
What do you mean
he won't do it?
He says he...
Can we have some more
colour on the coffin?
Bring 35 through 65 up ten.
Anna:
He says that as an anglican,
He's not allowed to perform
the funeral services
Anywhere but in a church.
But, jesus christ!
They do burials at sea,
don't they?
Where are the masks
I asked for?
Trevor said
they were cut.
Trevor?
Maria:
(laughing)
he said they were tacky.
I like them.
They are not cut.
You get me those greek
tragedy comedy masks
Because they match
the greek columns.
And you tell trevor
That if he wants to diddle
with the design,
He's go to go through me
first, all right?
Anna, can't you just handle
the minister thing?
Do we even need one?
Oliver didn't believe in god.
I don't care what
oliver believed!
Look, we need religious
content, all right?
Somebody tonight has got
to mention god.
So I want you to go
and find me a preacher
And bring him back here
by 7:30.
Okay? Do you understand?
Anna:
Yes, I understand.
Did you find jack crew yet?
Oh god!
Anna, anna, anna, anna,
anna, anna, anna, anna.
What kind of gel are you using?
It looks like
a Halloween pageant.
Um...
Anna, anna.
Well, richard.
This is going to be
a difficult evening.
No, not if everyone keeps
it under five minutes,
It'll be fine.
I meant...
Emotionally difficult.
Oh, god!
May, I'm sorry.
I'm just so caught up
with the details.
That's all right.
We all handle grief
in our own way.
Yes.
Who's that?
May:
Oh geoffrey!
You came.
For you.
Nahum.
There's a chameleon
in the green room.
I'm so sorry.
I will get it right away.
No, no, he's mine.
His name is sybil.
Oliver gave him
to me ages ago.
I put him the green room
Because he spends so much
time alone at my home,
And I've heard that chameleons
really crave attention.
Is that true?
I wouldn't know.
Oh no, no,
of course you wouldn't.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean-
Anyway, I wanted to tell you
that he's in the green room,
So you wouldn't scream when
you saw him. Many have.
Thank you.
I appreciate the heads up.
Maria:
Okay everyone?
May I have your
attention please.
The time limit for speeches
is five minutes.
If you go over
I will flash the lights.
We have a lot of people
speaking
And if we want to bring
the show in under two hours
We're going to have to
keep up the pace.
Thank you.
Thanks maria.
Richard, my sonnet times out
to three minutes,
Do you think I could
possibly do two?
No claire,
absolutely not.
One sonnet only.
Hmm?
Anna!
Finally.
Father.
Thank you so very much
for coming
And at such short notice.
I don't know if anna
mentioned to you but, um,
We thought we'd like to,
you know,
Make a very little reference
to god in the service.
Um, not very much.
You know, five mintues.
Would that be all right?
Oh yes, fine.
I think I can come up
with something
Appropriate for this crowd.
Richard:
(laughs) ah, great.
Let's get this show
on the road, huh?
(subdued applause)
Crikey.
I'm glad he's dead.
It would have killed him
to see this.
On behalf of oliver welles,
I would like to thank you all
for coming.
He certainly would have
appreciated the full house.
(giggles)
Richard:
Oliver was more
than a friend.
He was a colleague.
For the last eight years
I have been general manager
And because of oliver's
commitment
To making the festival
more accessible,
And because of his willingness
to forge stronger ties
With the business community,
we have been able to raise
Attendance at the festival
by 23 percent.
I make this promise to oliver,
I will continue...
(applause)
Ellen!
Geoffrey.
Anna.
Okay, but do you know
about the thing?
What thing?
(laughs) it's so disgusting
I can't even say the words.
The skull thing?
The skull thing, yes.
I didn't think
he was serious.
I've made some calls.
People hung up on me.
They said I was sick.
Somebody threatened
to call the police.
I can't handle this,
geoffrey.
Okay well,
I'll take care if it.
Oh god! Thank you!
Wait, you're not thinking of
doing this yourself, are you?
(laughs) no.
Although I can't deny
that thought
Hadn't occurred to me
once or twice.
Oh.
It's good to have
you back.
Thanks.
But I'm not, I'm not back.
I'm just... I'm visiting.
Ellen:
(sobs)
(crying)
It looks a bit like act one of
the boys from syracuse up here.
(laughter)
I met oliver at the manitoba
theatre centre in 1978,
And I was intoxicated.
The intellect... Sensitivity.
And that ability he had
To drink two bottles of beer
at the same time...
Audience:
(laughs)
Without spilling.
Albert shultz:
So he looked right at the woman
with the flowery hat
And without missing a beat
he said,
"well, if it's not my car
I'm certainly not going
to clean the upholstery."
(laughter)
Claire:
No longer mourn for me
when I am dead.
Than you shall hear
the surly sullen bell
Give warning to the world
that I am... Fled.
From this vile world,
with vilest worms to dwell.
She's a climber,
that one.
Terrible actress.
Oh she sets my teeth
on edge.
Claire:
For I did love...
Geoffrey tennant?
Richard smith-jones.
I'm the general manager.
Hi, pleased to meet you.
Oh what a sad day.
Sad, sad day.
May tells me you're
going to speak.
Consensus is four
to six minutes.
Sad day.
Uh, you're on after
her second sonnet.
Damn her.
Praising thy worth
despite his cruel hand.
Oh good. Good. Okay.
Hi...
My name is geoffrey tennant
And I've been asked to come
and help celebrate the life
And mourn the death
of oliver welles.
I dug out a copy of a play
That oliver had directed me
in at one time
And realized I'd written down
a bunch of notes from rehearsal
And I thought I'd...
Maybe share some of them
with you.
Uh, here's one.
(reading)
thank you ladies
and gentlemen,
The scene will be fine
as soon as we can all get
The knitting needles
out of our pubic hair.
Audience:
(laughs)
Geoffrey:
Uh, here's another one.
(reading)
the theatre is an empty box,
And it is our task to fill it
With fury and ecstasy
and with revolution.
You know for a time,
for a time,
There was a kind of electricity
in this place
I've not experienced
anywhere else,
Because oliver made us believe
that what we did had meaning.
He made us believe
that love could be rekindled,
That regimes could be toppled
By the simple act of telling
a story truthfully.
Ridiculous ambition really.
But it was a beautiful idea.
Now it's all gone to shit now.
I mean, we all know that
what really matters
Is that the cash registers
keep ringing
And the tourists keep streaming
through the gift shop
And when I look around
at the wreck
That this theatre's become
under oliver's reign,
I'm reminded of those words
from macbeth.
If thou couldst, doctor,
cast the water of my land,
Find her disease and purge it
to a sound and pristine health
I would applaud thee
to the very echo!
(smattering of applause)
Minister:
I've been asked to say
A few comforting words
today about god.
Well, comfort is something
that god reserves
For those who are obedient
to his will.
A great preacher once said,
"satan hath not a more speedy
way nor a fitter school,
To bring men and women into
the snare of concupiscence
And filthy lust
of wicked whoredom,
Than those places
of plays and theatre."
Anna?
Who is this man?
He's an ordained minister.
He was the only one available.
Men seek pleasure
in the company of other men
And women in the company
of other women.
They come together
in their shame to...
Get him off.
Flash the lights.
...And unwholesome acts
of depravity.
Get him off!
Flash the lights!
Flash the lights!
Minister:
Now, I don't hate homosexuals,
but I do hate what they do.
Why?
Because the bible says,
"if a man also lie with mankind
as he lieth with a woman,
They shall surely be put
to death,
Their blood shall
be upon them."
(fire alarm rings)
Homosexuality is disobedient
to god's will
Because it runs counter to the
divine command to procreate!
And god blessed noah
and his sons-
Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
There appears to be a small
fire in the building.
Please exit in an orderly
manner.
Thank you for your cooperation.
May:
Good morning, everyone.
I am keenly aware
of the interest
That all members
of this board have
In the question of selecting
a new artistic director.
So today I will need
someone to move
That we appoint an interim
artistic director immediately.
I move the motion.
Thank you holly,
But not yet.
Yesterday...
I was prepared to suggest
that there is only one person
Who could fill this role:
Our general manager,
richard smith-jones.
However, after the extraordinary
events of last night,
I have to say I've come
to a different conclusion.
Who the hell is
geoffrey tennant?
Reg:
Of course we know you,
mr. Tennant.
We saw your marc anthony.
And your prince hal.
Geoffrey:
Well that was a long time ago.
Sal:
We missed your hamlet.
Well that was very short.
How can we help you?
Ah. Well I wonder if you could
do me a favour
Of removing oliver's head
from his body,
And setting the head aside
prior to cremation--
Saving the head.
Okay, let me explain
that I'm not crazy.
With all due respect,
we have heard otherwise.
Geoffrey:
That was a temporary condition
And I assure you
I don't want to do anything
weird with the head.
As a matter of fact,
it was oliver himself
Who requested that his flesh
be removed,
And that his skull be used
In all future productions
of hamlet.
So you see it's not weird,
and in fact, it is notarized.
We've never removed
a head before.
We've sewn them
back on.
Well, I imagine it's the same
thing but in reverse.
And there are legal
implications.
You see, I would have thought
that the ethical implications
Of not respecting
a man's last wish,
Would outweigh the
legal implications.
Furthermore, I believe that
the state has no place
In the nation's bedrooms and,
by extension, their graves.
We can remove the head,
but we can't do the rendering.
We're not equipped.
I see.
And where do you suppose
a fellow would go
For such a service?
A taxidermist?
I would begin with
the less reputable firms.
Thank you.
Let's do this thing.
What was it that minister
called the theatre?
Uh, the uh, snare
of concupiscence
And the filthy lust
of wicked whoredom.
Silly bugger.
Really?
Yeah, we had to spend the
entire day on the soccer field
Choking down corny smacks.
It was cold
and we just kept doing it
Over and over and over.
It was, oh it was awful.
Well, the funeral was great.
You should have been there.
Really?
Claire:
Yeah, my sonnets rocked.
Ooh! Look who just
walked in.
This should be good.
Sloan:
But the play station 2
has more titles, right?
So do I go for better graphics
or more games?
That's my problem.
Can you go and get me
some cigarettes, sloan darling.
Yeah, sure.
Menthol, right?
That's right,
darling.
Oh, you have a son.
Not mine, I hope.
Fuck off!
I was planning on doing
just that,
But it would seem that fate
has intervened.
I have been offered a job.
Let me guess.
Someone's hired you
to slander the dead.
You're very good at that.
No.
They've asked me to be
the artistic director.
(giddy laugh)
What?
Well, interim artistic
director,
While they search
for a real one,
But you know how long that
process could take.
You know, weeks,
months, years.
You can't come back.
You're insane.
Apparently that doesn't matter
in the theatre.
Geoffrey...
This is my home.
I don't want you
in my home.
Frankly ellen, your home could
use a little cleaning.
And anyway,
don't you think
This is what oliver
would have wanted?
You and I thrust together
by his tragic death.
Well maybe you don't agree.
Why don't we ask him.
(grunts)
Is this what you wanted
you sly old devil?
(mimicking oliver)
that's right, geoffrey.
You didn't...
Mmm hmm.
I promised him that I would
look after his head.
And unlike some people,
I keep my word.
Woman:
Oh my god!
Woman:
Oh my god! It's jack crew!
Hey jack!
You know him?
Yeah, yeah.
He was on
the bus with me.
Kate, that's jack crew.
That's jack crew?
Ellen:
I'm sure you find this whole
situation very amusing,
But let me tell you
something geoffrey,
We start rehearsals
for hamlet in six days.
Yes, it's your hamlet now
and there's your star,
Right there.
I hear he's very good
with the martial arts,
But a little shaky
on the acting.
Fate is a funny thing,
isn't it?
And thus the whirligig of time
brings in his revenges.
(sighs)
?