Sliders (1995–2000): Season 4, Episode 13 - Lipschitz Live! - full transcript

An outrageous talk show host rules the airwaves of the world the Sliders enter, and Quinn goes on his show to contact the others.



You guys see that thing?

Colin? Maggie? Remmy?

What's going on?


It's got you!

You know, brother,
it occurred to me

that if we threw a large mattress
into the wormhole ahead of us,

it might not hurt so
much when we land.


Of course,
we might miss the mattress.

MAN: That's right,
it's Lipschitz Live! Hello?

Quinn? This portion of
Lipschitz Live is brought to you by

Maggie? Body Slam Malt Liquor.

Rembrandt? For
that special occasion,

or for no reason at all.

Body Slam is gonna
take you down.

That's Body Slam, my friends.

Hi. It's not just for
breakfast anymore.

(GRUMBLING) Yeah, excuse me,
I was just wondering...





QUINN: What if you found a
portal to a parallel universe?

What if you could slide into
a thousand different worlds

where it's the same year
and you're the same person,

but everything
else is different?

And what if you can't
find your way home?




Come on.


MAGGIE: I got it.

you and I are gonna have one serious talk!

Save it. They're
not here. Come on.

What do you mean,
they're not there?

We must've got separated.


I got you, Remmy.


MAGGIE: Yikes.

Sweet Mary and Joseph.
We must be a mile high.

this has to be Quinn's fault.

Lipschitz Live. We're back on the air.

There's been an increase in the number
of metal implants found in people heads.

Proof of alien abduction,
or dental malpractice?

You be the judge.

Folks just like you and me,
who claim to have been abducted.

Remote viewers,
out-of-body travelers,

and a man who claims that he is
the reincarnation of Nostradamus,

but swears that he doesn't
remember predicting anything.

And all week, right here on Lipschitz
Live, we're gonna be examining...

Two hours, fifty minutes. People,
where are you?

from somewhere out there.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Controls.


Push one.

Why I gotta push it?

'Cause you're the
man. Act like one!

Jiminy cricket.

Okay, look,
we've got red and black here, right?

Red means stop. We're stopped.

Hey, hey, hey. What?

Colin! Colin!


Maggie, Maggie.


I'm looking at freaking seagulls
up here. He can't hear you.

Well, push something so we can go up
or down! We've gotta get to get to him.

All right, whatever.


Yes, folks, thanks to you, Lipschitz
Live is now the most watched show

in the history of television.

Beamed to our armed forces abroad,
to the research teams at the South Pole,

and to those hard-working guys
aboard the crippled space station MIR,

Lipschitz Live sets the
pace for our world today.

My next guest has a pug
who predicted the big LA quake

and the results of
last year's Rose Bowl.

Hi, how are you? Welcome.
WOMAN ON TV: Thank you.

The dog's name is...

(SHUSHING) Excuse me...

Can't you see this is important?

The girl's got a psychic dog.

I'd like a room.

We're booked up.

Booked up? This place
is never booked up.

Big corporate wedding.


LIPSCHITZ: Well, what about the
quake? How did she predict the quake?

Fine. Then I'd like to leave
a message for my friends.

WOMAN ON TV: She leaped
up on the coffee table again...

Do you have a room?

Not according to you.

Then you can't leave a message.

Why not?

We're a full-service hotel,
but only for guests.

No guest, no service.

Look, I have an agreement with my
friends that if we ever get separated,

we meet here. It's
kind of important.


Fine. I'll be at the bar,
if you need me.

MAGGIE: You think the
others made it through?

REMBRANDT: Who can tell?

I mean, this whole trip is
like no slide we ever had.

You ever get separated before?

Yeah, but not like this.

The only other time
we ever had a problem

was when the wormhole
was struck by lightning.

Oh, man.

You think Colin was making
his way toward the Chandler?

It looked like it. I just hope
we didn't miss the slide window.


Lipschitz Live is back on the air.

This just in. In Los Angeles,
the bowling ball...

Hi. I'll take a beer.
The cheap kind.

This time, the scene was the
Richard Nixon Freeway in Yorba Linda.

An hour and 45.

Come on, guys, where are you? the back end
of flatbed truck...


People seem to
really like that guy.

Are you kidding me? Man,
Barry Lipschitz rules.

His show is the only show.


LIPSCHITZ: ...but we've been in
touch with his agent. And if and when...

don't tell me you don't watch it.

...we're gonna have
it right here on...

Well, I travel around a lot.

I mostly read.



See, that's the trouble with
you kids today, you know that?

You read too damn much,
you don't watch enough television.

And how do you expect to keep
informed on what's going on in the world?

Books. Oh,
that's two bucks for the beer

and 15 for the
drinker's insurance.

We've got Cletis Shepherd.

Could I just charge
that to Millenia Media?

...for being buried alive in
a six-by-four wooden box...

Are you there, Mr. Shepherd?

The voices! The voices!

And I'd love to see a menu.

LIPSCHITZ: No, no, no, Mr. Shepherd,
it's me. It's Barry Lipschitz.

Get out of my head!



That was delicious. Thank you.

Good. Wow, that's a pretty
fancy-shmancy clicker you got there.

Excuse me? Get
a load of this baby.

Control capabilities include TV,
VCR, DVD and LD.

Switchable between IR and EM bands at wide
or narrow beam settings at unlimited range.


Well, your clicker's definitely
bigger than my clicker.

And I say that without
a trace of male envy.



LIPSCHITZ: Ready for
this Lipschitz news flash.

A 10-year-old Webelos Scout in Ashland,
Kentucky was revealed today to be a clone.


(SHUSHING) Excuse me.


Can't you see I'm in
the middle of this show?

excuse me. I thought you worked here.

I do.

Great. So,
we would like a room, please.

Oh, who wouldn't?

Well, actually,
we would like a suite.

Sold out.

Sold out?

You're never sold out.

People keep saying that,
but we are.

No rooms, no suite.

And we're running out of ice.

Okay, look, actually,
we're looking for some friends of ours.

Oh, who isn't?

they may already have checked in.

Could you please
check the register?

We're looking for
a Quinn Mallory.

Lipschitz Live is back on the air.

No, no,
no. There's a Colin Mallory.

Yeah. Room 412.

You can use the
phone over there.

Great. All right.

Thanks for, you know,
whatever. Okay. All right. All right.

Oh, man.

This guy is... He's crazy, man!

All in the way you
hold your mouth.

A few more slides,
and we'll all be master burglars.

Did Colin have
time to eat Chinese?

What a trip. I just got here,
and I'm ready for the slide.

And what is with
this television stuff?

Nobody seems to be doing anything
but watching this Lipschitz guy.

When you saw Colin,
did he have a suitcase?

Not that I remember.

Must've just bought it.

Yeah, but how did he have time
to get this stuff monogrammed?

I don't know.

This is expensive, too.

Yeah. Did he have
this much cash?

No. He's still keeping up his
taste for high-volume outfits.

hold it. Here's a news flash.

They've found another Bat Boy
on Long Island. But right now...

Hi, I'm... Look,
we've got no rooms,

we've got no suites,
we've got no ice,

and I haven't seen
any of your friends.

And, no,
you can't leave a message for them.

Thank you. All right.

back with Duane.

Do you get any
grief from the others?

Let me ask you something.

Go ahead. Call me
Hal. Hal? I'm Quinn.

Nice to meet you.


Say you got separated
from someone

and you needed to
find them in a hurry.

You expecting somebody?

some friends of mine and I got split up

and we've got a plane
to catch very shortly.

In 92 minutes to be exact.

Well, you guys are kind of cutting
it a little bit short, don't you think?

Yes. I was wondering,
is there anywhere in town

where people congregate?

Center of town?

Well, I kind of like to hang out
at this karaoke bar, you know.

I go there a couple
of times a week.

My friends say that my Neil
Diamond is not to be believed.

That's great.

But that's really about
the only thing I can think of.

I mean, everybody just kind of sits
around and watches old, you know,

Barry Lipschitz on TV all day.

Is that a man?

I do believe that is a man.

Were you always a cross-dresser,

No, not until I started
working on a fishing boat.

We'd go out for
long periods of time.

It's just a way of bringing,
you know, a little touch of home

to the boat, you know.

Those are some pretty shoes.
Hope my wife's not watching this.

She'll probably want
me to buy them for her.

of you dressed up?

MAGGIE: Colin!

There you are, man. Look,
we've been chasing you for over an hour.

Hey, hey,
don't touch me. Leave me alone.

What's spooking you?
What are you doing?

What's your problem, Colin?




let us through! He's our friend.

MAGGIE: Excuse me,
what's wrong with you people?

Colin. Colin. Can we get some help here,

What are you doing
sitting around? Colin?

All right,
already! What's with the cameras?

They're trying to get that $10,000
from America's Funniest Fatalities.

let's go. Let's ride with him. Come on.

Coming up on Lipschitz Live, we're going to
meet a host of very interesting personalities

from this world and beyond.

Space aliens.
Inter-dimensional travelers.

Are they really among us? And if so,
what do they want?

And aren't they an added burden to our
already weighted down welfare system?

You want to find out,
you stay tuned to Lipschitz Live.

Hal, this Lipschitz guy,
is he really the only thing on TV?

Yeah, pretty much.

But, I mean, there's some, you know,
there's some educational stuff.

Oh, did you know that you can cut
your hair with a vacuum cleaner now?

Tell me more about
this Lipschitz guy.

Wow, you really are out of the loop,
aren't you?

All right, well, let's see,
he got his name as a reporter

for INM during
the war with Guam.

Which we, you know,
we kicked their butts, by the way.

You better believe
it. Damn Guamians.

Anyhow, after the war,
INM merged with TBC.

Now, Global bought TBC,
and then they merged that with UniMax,

which, of course,
that got pulled into the Turnbull Group.

And then that whole thing just got
swallowed up by General Comco,

and then, well, that guy that
everybody thought was the Unabomber,

he just went and bought
the whole shebang.

And then, of course,
he made Lipschitz his star.

I mean, everybody watches him.

Now, how would one go
about getting on Lipschitz Live?

You got a weird story to tell?

Sort of.

Well, you know, they just shoot
in a theater a few blocks from here.

It's just right
around the corner.


It seems, once again,
you've been handed the reins,

and once again
you've disappointed me.

It's not going to be that easy this time,

Like it or not, as my stepson,
you will live up to your obligations.



When I married your mother, you became
heir-apparent to the Infinicorp dynasty.

Now, I can't tell you how
important this whole transaction is.

No. Of course you don't.

A great deal hinges on you, son.

Our merger with Millenia Media means putting
an end to 50 years of brutal warfare.

War? 50 years?

Have you been drinking again,

I've warned you about that.

get dressed and make me proud.

Get dressed into what?

Well, I guess that answers that.

Nice work, conning that nurse
with your Super Bowl tickets.

Well, of course she won't be able to use
them to get into the game on this world,

but it got us on this
floor. How is he?

No concussion, no broken bones.

He's mildly sedated,
but he'll be all right.

Thank God for that.
We gotta get moving.

MAGGIE: Colin, wake up.


Did he always wear this jewelry?

Must've gotten that
stuff on this world.

Farm boy always
did like shiny things.

Come on, we gotta go, Colin.

Huh? You a friend
of my father's?

You sure there's no concussion?

No, Colin,
come on. We're your friends.

Go get his clothes.

Just how good of a friend of mine are you,


Snap out of it,
Colin. We have to find Quinn.

We don't know when
the next slide window is.

Slide window. Right.
Whatever works.


Hey, thanks, homey.

Hey, baby,

I'm still a little groggy. Want
to help me on with those pants?

But I'm perfect for your show.

I told you,
I've got all the guests I need.

Besides, your story,
it doesn't have any sex appeal.

Bigger. Bigger hair.

Sex appeal?

Since cable died there's no market
for shows about scientific whiz kids

who live in their parents'
basement and have no life.

I've battled androids,
I've met Elvis.

I even met the female
version of myself.

Did you have sex with her?

LIPSCHITZ: The senator,
while denying he was drunk,

could not explain his nudity.


Sign it. Sign the book.

You may sit down.

What we have witnessed here
today is the beginning of the end.

The conflict is over. No longer
will our efforts be hindered

by destructive competition
or ruinous price wars.

We can now all push forward
as one single corporation.

And remember our motto, "Farmers
grow stuff, but we feed the masses."

The merger is complete.

I now pronounce you one husband,

one wife, one family,

one corporation.

son. You're married.


Hey, Dave, how about it, huh?



MAN: Welcome back,
ladies and gentlemen!

And here he is,
the paragon of the airwaves,

that titan of television,

the most watched,
admired and awarded host

in the history of worldwide communications,
Barry Lipschitz!


Lipschitz loves you!

Too kind. You're
really too kind.

My friends,
and I take that word very seriously,

today we have something special.

Something more than just a show.

Something more
than just entertainment.

Sure, we like to entertain,
we like to inform.

But more than that,

most of all,
what we really like to do is contribute

to the education of what I believe
is the most knowledgeable audience

in the world today! You!


They walk among us. Or do they?

we're going to be talking about aliens,

people from other planets,
other worlds.

Are they here? And if so,
what do they want,

and what do they
have to tell us?

Well, we're hoping that our two guests
on the show, ladies and gentlemen,

will clear up the answers
to those questions.

I'd like you to meet and greet,

on live, on Lipschitz,
Mr. Arnold Potts! Bring him on!




Be self-reliant and multiply.

Well, thanks,
Arnie. Same to you.

Sit down and get a life.

Okay, Mr. Potts' claim,
let me see if I get this straight, folks,

Mr. Potts' claim is that
he is not really here at all.

I am not here at all.

Ooh. He is a
pan-galactic traveler

who can project his image
anywhere in the cosmos.

Good. Love the suit.

Okay, our next guest, bring him on with
a warm welcome, is Mr. Quinn Mallory,

ladies and gentlemen! Come on,
come on.

Oh, man, look,
look! I know that guy! I was rude to him!


I'll be damned. He's a
good friend of mine. Yeah.

Mr. Mallory is a slider. Is that right?

He slides between
those parallel dimensions.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING) Is that right?

Yes, Barry.

The guy is an obvious phony.

Well, why do you say that,

He's a media grabber. He's
in it for the 15 minutes of fame.

Look at him. He doesn't
even have an outfit.

Uh-huh. Hey. Yep, yep.

Come on,
he's got a point there. He has a point.

Mr. Mallory, tell me,
when you make these

slides between
parallel dimensions,

do you slide in
your street clothes?


I've made calculations that prove
conclusively that the G-forces generated

by trans-dimensional traverse would
cause the subject's eyes to explode.

is why I wear these.

(CHEERING) All right! All right!


Love the suit.

So tell us why you're here,
Mr. Mallory.

Well, Barry,
it's kind of like this.

Colin! Maggie! Remmy!

Come on down to KKRP!
We slide in an hour!

What is he doing?
One hour! We slide!

That's what he's
doing. Leave it to Q-Ball.

Friend of yours?
ANNOUNCER: Please stand by.

Yeah, and of yours. Let's go.

Hey, whoa,
whoa. Where are you taking me?

Far, far away. You mean,
like out of the city?

At least. Come on.

Lead on, baby cakes.


I'll give you baby cakes.

That's a feisty broad.

COLIN: I don't know exactly how to
tell you this. Especially considering

that a woman's wedding day is supposed
to be the happiest day of her life.

It grieves me to... Put a sock in it,

Let's just get this over with.

But that's what I'm trying
to tell you. I'm not Colin.

I mean,
I am Colin. I'm just not your Colin.

Now, is that the best that
you can do? Absolutely.

You know, look, I don't want this
marriage any more than you do.

But like it or not,
the corporate dynasties

continue through our
bloodlines. It's a curse of birth.

But that's what I'm trying to
tell you. I wasn't born here.

I'm from a parallel dimension.

Have you been drinking again?

You know,
I've warned you about that.

I know it's hard to believe,

but my friends and I come from
one parallel world to another.

Your Colin must be my
alternate on this world.

Did you try that
line on your father?

My father's dead.

Look, you know,
I know you hate MacArthur, but really.

I don't hate MacArthur.
I don't even know him.

Besides, he seems to be trying
to do what is best for his family.

And his son.

He doesn't care about you.

His sole focus has been to create the
biggest corporate dynasty in the world.

Indeed. And what an incredible
legacy to leave to one's children.

My father tried to do the same.

Although a two-room cabin, four cows
and some chickens isn't much of a dynasty.

All right, fine,
delude yourself.

But some day the illiterate
serfs will be outside the gate

and you will finally understand
what's going on here.

Hey, look,
it's too bad my counterpart

can't fully appreciate
the value of the effort,

or the value of having a
father still around to share it.

But back to the matter at hand.

I have to find my friends.

All right, forget your friends.

Call in the lawyers. Lawyers?

Yes, they're in the hall.
Don't look so surprised.

They must be present at the
consummation to verify the merger.

You know that.



Colin, come out of there.

ROXANNE: What is with you? I
know for a fact that you are not shy.

You know, Bernie and Hal
have witnessed a lot of mergers.


Colin? I was gonna be the
only guest on this show today.

This charlatan demeans
the very concept

of inter-dimensional voyaging!

LIPSCHITZ: Yeah, yeah! All right,
hold it, hold it, hold it.

Hold it, hold it,
hold it. That's a point, Mallory.

Come on,
tell us. Are you a charlatan, or what?

No, no. Okay, okay.

The only reason I am here is to
be reunited with my companions

so we can move from
this Earth to the next.

my timer states

that I only have 45 minutes.

Listen, listen! Now,
my timer says

that we have 45 minutes
left here before we slide.

So Remmy, Maggie and Colin,

please come down.

come out of there. You call that a timer?

Colin, get out.

That's a timer.

That's a timer.

Get that out of my face.

You broke my timer!

I'm sorry.

LIPSCHITZ: Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Look at this! Come here,

All right! All right!

ROXANNE: Colin? Colin?

Marley's ghost!

Colin? Come on.

Colin, get out of there.

Come on, Colin, get out.


Colin, come out of there.


MAN ON TV: Take your pick. A
thousand dollars off, or 3.9 percent APR.

Hundreds of beautiful used cars in stock,
some with guarantees.

Oh, great. Everything must go.

We'll have to get another cab,
if we can find one.

The Hilton runs an airport
shuttle every 30 minutes.

Why would we go to the
airport? We're going to KKRP.

And what's with the smoking?

Hey, you don't smoke.

3.9. What a deal!

Oh, yeah,
that's right. I don't smoke. Sorry.

So do you think we
can get a move on?

I think we should
get to the airport.

People might be looking for us.

LIPSCHITZ: Okay, we're back...

So, Potts, you would have us
believe that you can dematerialize.

That somehow the atoms in
your body vaporize into molecules

which are then magically
transported to another plane.

There's no magic involved.

I deatomize here,
and I reatomize somewhere else.

I'm sure we'd all like to see that.

Wouldn't you, Mr. Mallory?

I don't think you can call
what I do deatomizing.

Okay? I jump into a vortex,

a wormhole that takes me through a
tunnel that leads to another dimension,

another world.

Well, I'm sure we'd all like to see that,
too, wouldn't we?

Maybe you will,
wise guy. Maybe you will.


You know, R.J.,
I never thought this day would ever come.

I didn't think my
kid had it in him.

But from now on,
the sky's the limit.

Commemorative plates,
spoons, action figures.

on the Lipschitz Book Club,

our panel of reviewers are going
to take a look at the controversial

new bestseller Satan:
What's the Big Deal?

That's tomorrow on
the Lipschitz Book Club.

We'll get back to these
nut bars in a minute.

But first a news update from
the Lipschitz Action Desk.

This just handed to me.

A new age in American
corporate culture was born today,

when the heirs to two rival
conglomerates were joined in matrimony.

Colin Mallory of Infinicorp and
Roxanne Crane of Millenia Media

were merged in a ceremony
at the Chandler Hotel.

I'm a free man!

We've got the wrong Colin. Yeah.

Now, we have exclusive word that,
that merger is about to be consummated

at this very moment, so we're going to
take our cameras live to the bridal suite

at the Chandler.


Oh. Okay, well,
there seems to be a delay in the action.

But you can be sure when that
merger is about to be consummated,

Lipschitz Live is going to
be there with our cameras.

And by the way, I do smoke.

Who the devil are you,
and where's our friend?

Hey, get your hands off me.

Like the man said,
Colin Mallory married Roxanne Crane.

And I hope they'll
be very happy.

That was supposed to be you.

Yeah, well,
it's some other lucky guy.

Your friend, or whatever.

How did you manage to
get him to take your place?

I swear I had
nothing to do with it.

It just happened.

Maybe it's for the best. I
was trying to get out of it,

and now he married a great girl.

Yeah. And from the way I see it,
a lot of money.

Say what? Yeah. If our
friend takes your place,

then he gets everything
you were going to get.

REMBRANDT: And you get nothing.

Yeah, well, maybe there's
time to change it back. Yo, taxi!

How much time do
you think we've got?

Quinn said 45 minutes,
10 minutes ago.

Which is not a lot of
time to hit the hotel,

pick up our Colin,
dump this Colin off,

and get to the studio
in time for the slide.

Chandler Hotel, please.

call that number,

and you tell them Barry told
you this machine is the very best.

Hey, I've got something for
you on this special occasion.

A William Shatner
novel. First edition.

But isn't there something we've
been ignoring, gentlemen? Huh?

Isn't there a big,
burning question that concerns all of us,

when it comes to you aliens,
or sliders,

or whatever you clowns
want to call yourselves?

Huh? Isn't there?

All right, all right, all right.

What about the swelling welfare rolls,

That's right. What happens when
one of you space clowns breaks his leg?

Who is gonna pay your hospital bills,
huh? Huh?


All right, wait a minute.

What happens when one of
you guys takes a high-paying job

on this Earth? Are you not,

taking the bread out
of mouths of decent,

Americans right here?

Huh? Huh?

Yeah. All right, hold it.

We'll get back to that
subject in a minute.

But first, these announcements about
upcoming shows on Lipschitz Live.

I was just bird-watching.

Oh, my God.

It seems to me your father and
MacArthur Mallory are most insistent

that this consummation
take place.

Are you hurt?

Only my pride. And
maybe this ankle.

I'm sorry to have spurned you.

I hope you're not insulted.

Believe me,
it's nothing personal.

I think you're very beautiful.

And any man would be
honored to merge with you.

You really are different,
aren't you?

So I've been told by more
people than you realize.

I'm sorry to have put you through this.

But you just look
so much like him.

Then you believe me?

Well, I'm not sure I buy this
whole parallel world story.

But I have never known
Colin Mallory to turn down sex,

and I've never seen him display
this sort of feelings towards his father

that I have seen in you.

Then, will you help me?

I have to get somewhere,
and I haven't got much time.

What's your hurry? Stay with me.

You know,
being rich is a pretty good deal.

But I'm not your Colin.

I know. But I like you better.

You're very sweet.

You're much like Colin was maybe eight,
10 years ago.

I'm flattered.

I think you might find me inadequate.

I'm not very experienced.

I was counting on that.

And I have other obligations.

I was utterly perplexed.

I had never seen a
wormhole go unstable before...

That's my brother. And I must
get to him as soon as possible.

Can you help me?

Because of this world's
extensive television system.

Sure. Come on. The RF radiation

that was emitted
in the EM spectrum

totally threw off the magnetic
anchoring point of the wormhole,

therefore sending us
into a state of spatial flux.

Did I mention that I met
the female version of myself?


hey. Did you have sex with her?


(LAUGHING) Did you? Yeah? Yeah?


Did you?

Now, well, that's more like
the happy couple that I know.

So, where are you two off to?

Station KKRP.

What on earth for?

To buy it. Yeah.

We realized there are still
a lot of independent stations

that have not yet
joined our empire,

so we thought we'd buy KKRP as
a wedding present to each other.

Good thinking. Son,
I had you figured all wrong.

Hey, why don't you guys
take the limo and go in style?

And while we're at it,
I think we'll buy that channel

that shows nothing but
science fiction programming.

Come along, dear.

The guy's a phony!
The guy's a phony!

You can't astral-project
in a sweater vest!

QUINN: Maggie, Colin,
Remmy! Come down to KKRP right now!

ARNOLD: He's a phony!

away. I'll be right back.

ANNOUNCER: You watch Lipschitz.

You never miss an episode, you think
you've seen it all, the flying chairs,

the transvestite cat fights,
the on-stage shoot-outs,

but you haven't seen it all until
you've seen Lipschitz: Too Hot for TV.

A never before seen... the infamous comedian
episode. You haven't seen Lipschitz...

Keep the change.

...until you've seen
Lipschitz: Too Hot For TV.

Order your own copy for only...

What's going on?
Who is this guy?

Where's Roxanne? Colin,
so help me,

if this is another one
of your half-baked...

Where are they? Who?

Roxanne and that imposter.

Imposter? What are
you talking about?

They're not here.

The bridal suite is empty,
but that crazy talk show is on.

Then Colin must've
got the message.

Great. So it looks like he'll make
the slide. The question is, will we?

We need a car now.

I'm taking the limo, Dad.

I just gave you a limo so you
could buy a television station.

That wasn't me. I
don't understand.

That was your
Colin's exact duplicate.

Actually, it was our Colin,
and we want him back.

And I want Roxanne back. And the money,

Look, we could take a cab.

No, no, no, I don't take cabs.

We'll buy another limo.


LIPSCHITZ: All right,
so let me get this straight.

you moved an entire population

from one world to
another? No. Not exactly.

That would be going
against the Prime Directive.

You can't travel to other worlds
and interfere with their cultures.

What are you talking about?

There is no Prime Directive.

Maybe that's in your universe.

There are strict rules to
inter-dimensional behavior.


You are really
starting to piss me off!

Hey! Are we loving this? Oh,

Come on, let's hear it for them,
huh? Huh?


ROXANNE: Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse
me. COLIN: Excuse me.

Oh, good grief! Excuse me.

Excuse me. Can I see your producer,

Can I help you? I
produce Lipschitz Live.

let us in. We own this show.

Which means we own you.

Wait, aren't you...

The big merger, today?

Yeah, Colin Mallory,
corporate magnate. And this is my mergee.

Oh, oh, go right in. I'm sure
Barry will want you on the show

right after these sliders.

So how much time, you think?

Less than 10.

That's pushing it. Mmm-hmm.

Not getting cold feet,
are you, son?

I never really got along
with Roxanne's family.

And frankly, she hates me.

Hate? That's a harsh word.

Resentment is
probably what she feels.

Besides, this is business.

You don't have to get along with
people you're in business with.

That's what it's all
about. Business.

Somehow, I always thought
when I got married, it would be, well,

more romantic.


You been talking to
your mother again?

All right, let me ask you this.

How much time
until your next slide?

I have got a minute and change.

How about you, disco ball boy?

Oh, I'll be moving on shortly.

Oh, so you're gonna slide away,
too, huh, Potts?

I prefer the term
astral projection.

Excuse me, people,
coming through.

Important people. Move it. Come on,
toots, shake a leg.

Where's the producer?

I'm Colin Mallory.
I own this place.

We've already
got a Colin Mallory.

What are you talking about?

I'm the real one.

Will you just let us in? I
can explain everything.

Well, almost everything.

If you really want a show,
why not have another Colin Mallory?

this is Colin Mallory's identical twin.

Kidnapped at birth.
Raised by dolphins.

SCREECHING) Just let us in.

All right, all right,
all right. Go, go right in.

QUINN: What is this? ARNOLD: You'll see,

Thanks for believing
in me and helping me.

I really do wish
you were my Colin.

I do, too. In a way.

I gotta go.

Folks, seriously,
I am leaving in less than a minute, alone.

And I just would
like to say goodbye.

To my friends, to my brother.

I'm coming with you, bro!

Hey, hey,
who's this? Another slider?

Q-Ball. Don't leave without us, bro!

What do we have here? We
have a weirdo slider reunion!

Hey, how about that!
Those crazy sliders. I tell you.

Hey. Yo.

it's a Lipschitz first!


Roxanne, I...

That's his other brother?

what's with Colin and the gold?

it's a long story. I'm getting married.

ARNOLD: Five, four, three,

two, one, zero.


Oh, man, I can't believe this!

Hey, come here, guys!

Cheese and crackers.

They said it couldn't happen,
but it did!

Trans-dimensional travel!

Four people transported
from one plane to another.

And you saw it
on Lipschitz Live!


can we get this marriage contract changed?

I think so. The lawyers didn't
witness the consummation.

Hey, there was no consummation.

Was there?

You didn't do anything with that guy,
did you, Roxanne?


Then, can't we get married?

I hope so.

But is this really
a happy ending?

Stay tuned and find out,
because this young lady

could be married to an
alien in another dimension.

What happens if
that guy comes back?

There's only one
way to find out.

You gotta keep watching
Lipschitz Live! Come on!