Sliced (2019–2021): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript

by Cymande

Yes, boss.

Right, some Dettol.

Honey ginger, lemon ginger,
raisins, cheese.

Dettol, Dettol... What you doing?

Nothing, what you doing?

You're stealing the deodorant?

How can I steal it,
if I ain't left the shop?

It's in your pocket.

They don't have baskets.

Chill out, mate.

Oi, is it me, yeah, or is Scott
starting to get a bit jarring?

Why, what's he done?

Just always about.
Like, he just stole deodorant.

How? He ain't even left
the shop yet.

"He ain't left the shop yet."

What you looking at, prick?

Oi! Oi. Josh, state of this fucking

Chill out, man, what's wrong with
you? Sorry, mate, he didn't mean it.

Yes, I fucking did.
Relax, bruv.

Fucking hell. What the hell was
that, Scott, man?

You can't go around picking fights
like that.

That's the second time this week.

I know, mate. Look, I apologise.

I can get a bit over-excited.

I'll do better, I promise.

I just love hanging out with you
guys. It's given me a real boost.

All right, cool, man.

Hey, what about this, then?

I knew you was flipping stealing,
take it back.

It was in your hood, mate.

Um, he has got a point.
I mean, if I was a judge,

which I'm not, yeah,
I would be finding you guilty.

Fuck my life.

This I did nick.



Sorry, sorry!

I told you, bruv,
he's getting out of hand.

Well, where's he gone, man?
I don't care.

The man's nicked a mobility scooter
from outside the chemist.

Bro, I'm no expert, yeah, but we got
to do something about this dude

before it's too late. My man's got
to go in a home or something.

Or just prison.
But is there prisons for old people?

Is it illegal to put old people
in prison?

No, man, what's wrong with you?
Look, we've just got to have

a proper chat with him.

He's not all that bad,
he's just getting over-excited.

Josh, so far today,
he's set two bins on fire,

he spat at the postman,
and he asked for my mum's Insta.

Yeah, but let he who is without sin
cast the first stone.

That as well, he kicked a stone
at Michael the prick.

Michael the prick? Yeah.

Yeah, but Michael's
a prick though, bruv. True.

Look, I can't just dash Scott.
He's old, his wife's dead,

he's soon dead. We got to at least
give him a chance.

Ow. What was that for?

You know what, you pervert. Huh?

Don't pretend like you don't know,
Joshua. I don't know!

Oh, you don't know about this?
What the fuck? Yeah, what the fuck.

No, please, please, please, I beg
you get this thing off my face.

It's making me dizzy. Oh, is it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know nothing about that.

I swear down he don't.

Oh, was it you then?

Nah, man,
I got the real thing, baby.


"A package in a package
to remind you of my package.

"Don't be shy, give it a try."

You got to admit that is very clever
wordplay, though.

The package of the package in the
package with the package?

That works on very many levels.

Like The Simpsons.

What are you doing? Look, Naomi,
I swear down

someone is winding you up.
Have you asked Mario?

I don't need to.
I know what you two are like.

Look, I thought we were done
with all this bullshit?

You heard about Me Too? You heard
about Time's Up?

You heard about anything going on
in the world right now?

Well, you've had your laugh
now. Congratulations.

Can I just...?
Leave me alone.

Why would I send her
a flipping dildo

that's bigger than my actual tings?

That's setting myself up for

Bro, you know who did this
and you what we've got to do.

"A package in a package
to remind you of my package."

You have to admit
it's a pretty good line.

Works on many levels.
Like The Simpsons.

It's a joke, get over it.
Here, have a bang on this.

Is that laughing gas?
Yeah. It's great.

It's not great, Scott.
What are you doing that for?

Something to do.

Here, have I told you I'm getting my
face tattooed?

Yeah, I'm going to have "Forever"
just above my eyebrow

and I'm getting a gun on my neck
like Raheem Sterling.

No. Look, Scott...

What? You think I should go
with the full sleeve?

Yeah, you're probably right.

Listen, Scott...
You still on for tonight, mate?

Have I got something special lined
up for us. A night to remember.

Scott, I need to tell you something.
Hold up a second.

Oi! Fuck off, you wanker!

Postman. Keep him on his toes.


Listen, Scott,
I need to talk to you...

Hey, you know what?

Before today I honestly thought
I was a goner.

But hanging out with you boys
these past few weeks

has really made me appreciate life.

You're like the sons I never had,

but who were taken off me
and put into care

for starting fires
on council properties.

But more importantly,
I feel 21 again.

Cheers, to you and Ricky!

Look, Scott, listen,
you're a cool guy, yeah?

Mad cool. But me and Ricky,
mostly Ricky,

we think we should have a bit
of a break, you know?

Have a bit of time
away from each other.

Ha ha! You nearly got me there,
you little prick.

Your face was a classic.

Look, we... He...

Us just feel like you're becoming
too much of a liability

and it's not going to end well.

Look, Scott, if I'm honest, mate,
I think you're out of control, bruv.

Hey, hey, look.
It don't mean we won't speak,

I'll still bring you
your Nando's once a week

and your dandelion and burdock.

Just think it's best we go
our separate ways,

just for the time being, you know?

Yeah, you're right.

The party's over, innit?

I'm just a silly old man
trying to hang onto something

that went a long time ago.

Look, Scott, don't be like
that, listen.

No, no, you've said what you've got
to say, mate.

I heard you. And if I'm honest
with myself,

I knew it was all too good
to be true.

Off you go, then.
Get on with your life, son.

You don't want to be held back
by an old man

who's only got his past to look
forward to.


Looks like Asgard.

Tip time.


Er... Pizza, yeah?

Yeah, I'm just going to grab some
cash. Come in, it's cold.


Sorry, I didn't think you'd get
here so quickly.

Yeah, I'm on the job, innit?
I move swift.

This your house?

I wish. No, babe, I'm the au-pair.

The what? Au-pair.

Opurr? Au-pair. Up there?

Au-pair. Up here.

Au-pair. Pope Air?

Au-pair. It's like a child minder
but it's posh. It's French, innit?

Oh, au-pair. Au-pair!

So where's the kids?

Oh, they're on holiday,
I'm just looking after the house.

What? You're looking after
this place?

I would hold the biggest rave
in here, boy. Lord have mercy.

Would you now?

I'm Crystal. You're cute.

I know. Ricky.

So you like to party, do you, Ricky?

Of course I do.

No, I mean like party party.


Party party?

Yeah. Party party.

I'm a firestarter.

Oh, yeah?

Twisted firestarter.

Are you now?

Yeah, I'm the bitch you hated,
filth infatuated, yeah.

Listen, my little Twisted Ricky,

I'm having a "special" kind
of costume party later,

if you fancy coming?

I think I just have. But, yeah,
obviously man will be there.

All twisted. I won't start any
fires, though.

That's all in the past. Youthful
exuberance, and that,

you know what I mean.
Listen, what type of costume?

And, yeah, can I bring my boy?

Oh, yeah, course you can,
if he's as cute as you.

Put your number in here,

and then I'll send you everything
you need to know

and then everything you need to do

and then when you've done that you
get your party party.

What? I've got to do stuff?

Yeah, I wasn't going
to make it easy for you.

You have to work for this.

Are you ready to work for this,

Hell, yeah, I'm ready.

Are you a hard worker, Ricky?

Yeah. I work long and hard.

How hard?

I was born hard.

Actually that don't sound right.

I'm a good worker with
a positive mental attitude

and I'm a motivated self-starter
with passion for working in a team.

Shh, I'll see you later.



You ain't going to believe
this, bruv.

Hello? Yeah, I'd like
to cancel my tattoo.

Yeah, the full sleeve of Conor
McGregor fighting a bear

whilst being attacked by a shark.

Yeah, I know it's a shame.
You're telling me, mate.

Cheers, then. Bye-bye.

Ricky, people say all sorts
on this job.

They just say these things so they
don't have to tip, innit?

I once got invited to Skepta's house
party. Right address, wrong day.

Yeah. You're probably right.

She just seemed so...


Bruv, it's her.

"All is fur in love and war so
please come knocking on my door."

Why she spelled "fair" F-U-R?

Look, man, she...
It's the costume thing, innit?

Nah, that's stupid, man.
She just spelled it wrong.

Your girl's BTec, man.

Nah, man,
she wants us to dress in fur.

Wait. Fur? Like what?

So she wants us to dress like, what,
like a pair of giant dogs?


"Who's a good boy? Dog emoji.
Dog emoji."

Oh, my God.


Give me that.

"Woof, woof, where my big dogs

Oh, my God! Wait, she sent
a picture. Is that her?


Oh, my God.


Yeah, yeah.


What? "It's not just dogs
that like bones.

"See if you boys can dig up
a big one for me."

Oh, my God.
What does she mean?

Mate, she wants us to bring a ting.

What ting?

Bruv, a ting.

"See if you can dig up a big one
for me." Big one.

Oh, my God.
Like the one that Naomi got?

Let's just get that one.

Bruv, are you dumb?

Hello, Naomi, please may I borrow
the massive dildo

you think I sent you so that I can
go to a sex party dressed up

as a giant fucking dog. It's not
going to work, my G.

Yeah, seeing as you put it
like that.



Here you go, mate,
I think these are yours.

I just want to say that I'm sorry,
I didn't really mean it, you know.

Scotty! Scotty boy.
What's this, brotherfucker?

You have party for one?

We have party,
I have afternoon off today.

Huh? You want to get fucked up
big time?

I don't know. I'm trying to...

Fuck it, I'm in.

Yeah. You crazy motherfucker!
I love this country.

Oi oi! Let's fucking have it!

Let's have it!
Let's bloody have this!

No, wait, please!
I just need to buy a dildo quickly.

Sorry, darling, I'm closed for
the night.

No, no, you don't understand.
Listen, I really need one.

Listen, my love, we've got over 400
different models of dildos in there,

and forgive me for being rude,
but you don't look like

you know one end of a double-ended
dildo from another.

You got it?

Nah, this jobsworth won't open
the shop for, like, two minutes.

Excuse me. Wait, I know you.

You're the woman that lives upstairs
from Scott.

Yeah, and I know you.

But I didn't know you was a pervert
who dressed like a fucking dog.

Me? Pervert?
You work in a sex shop, love.

Well, at least I ain't dildo-less!
You dildo-less dickheads.

No, wait. Please, please. I beg you.
We just need a penis.

Friendly word of advice.

Don't beg for a dildo
dressed like a dog.

It makes you look cheap. Dickheads.

She's right, we are dildo-less.

We're just two more dildo-less men
dressed as dogs.

Oh, stop flipping doing that, man.

Got another idea.
I don't care.

I just don't know, Tika.

I swore it was from those two
messing around

but now the more I think about it,
not sure it was.

You should have seen his face
when I confronted him.

What you going to do?

I don't know.

Maybe I'll just have to apologise.

Oh. It's a bingo!


Who got the dick?
You got the dick.

Who got the dick?
You got the dick.

I got the dick.
We got the dick. Who got...

Let me call you back.

Hello, mate.

It's called laughing gas
but it does not make you laugh.

It's going to be
a great night tonight.

Trust me. Come on, we're going out.

Bruv, we're stealing your mum's car
again, innit?

No, she just gave me the keys.

She always does that when one of my
uncles who ain't my uncles

comes round. Even if I ain't going

just got to sleep in the car.
Pros and cons, G.

It's a pro today, G.

I know.

He was stood in a fucking bin
dressed like a dog,

waving it around? Yep.



# Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, sex party

# Sex party, sex party, sex party,
sex party

# Crystal, crystal, crystal, crystal

# Crystal, crystal, sex party

# Crystals, sex party, crystals

# Crystals, sex party, crystals... #

What you doing?
It's just cutting out.

Well, check the petrol, then, innit?

It's a full tank.

Ah, bruv,
we're going to have to push it.

Bruv, do you see where we are?
See what we're wearing? You push.

I will. Fuck, man.

Go on, then.

Pull over, then.

Swan's wings.
Fucking beautiful, man.

You only see this kind of shit
when you're stoned, man, innit?

What a time to be alive.

I love this fucking country!

Come on, then.

You little bitches!

I swear down I will kill
those pricks.

Who do they think they are?
They think this is a joke.

Let's see if these dickheads
are still laughing when

I track them down.
How are we going to track them down?

You track them when they're
delivering pizza, yeah?

Yeah, through their phones.
No, we can't do that.

Yes, we fucking can.

Fucking dickheads.

Seriously. You think you can defeat
me? Oh, no way. No way.

Bruv are you sure you got
breakdown cover,

because we've been sitting here
for like an hour?

What is breakdown cover?

I thought them mans just drive
around looking for someone

who broke down and then helped them?

OK, OK, they're moving now.

Let's just see where they're going.

Where they going?

Bruv, are you sure
this is the right way?

Mate, I put in the postcode
she sent us,

I'm just following that.

What you doing?

I'm texting Naomi.


"It ain't what it looked like.

"I'm not about that nastiness,
you got to trust me,

"I didn't send you that ting."

What? This is the man who stood
in a bin

dressed as a giant fucking dog
waving round a dildo

and my man's chatting shit about not
being nasty?



Bruv, are you sure this is
the right address?

It's the right address,

but it's not the one I delivered to.

"Yo, we are in a block of flats.
Right address?"

Come on, man, let's move,
this don't feel right.


"Yeah, babe, number ten.
I'm waiting."

With the tongue emoji.

Which one?


Bruv, how do you have
a sex party here?

I don't know. You coming?


Sure that's a ghost.

Coming to fuck you up.

How you fucking up a ghost, bro?

Just close your eyes
and swing, innit?

Where you been, man?
Bruv, they think I'm a ghost.


Just let's find the house, man.

Door's here, man.

Knock the door, then.

Calm down, man,
you got to play it cool.

Bruv, we're on a estate where people
think I'm a ghost.

Knock the fucking door, Ricky.


Stop being such a pussy, man.

There's a dog in there.

I know. For security, innit?


Look, I can hear the girls now.

Come here. I'm not doing this alone.

This is where my dogs be at.


So you're my big dog, huh?




Come in, gentlemen.

OK, we got them. Right, Chatham
Estate. Get your coat.

What? Are you seriously going to let
these pricks get away with this?

Well, no, but...
Well, come on, then.

Bruv, what the hell is this?

Well, it's not the best,
but at least there's girls in here.

Girls? Girls where?

Whose mum is that?

All right? What?

Ooh, someone needs changing.

Guilty as charged.

Bruv, I'm not feeling this.
I'm not feeling this, Ricky, man.

What the hell is this?

Are you two being good boys?

Yeah. Really good.

Oh, that's no good,

because we're only interested
in bad boys.

Bad boys. Me too.

No, not that. I mean,
but you know what I mean,

I mean, I ain't got nothing against
that obviously

but it's just a lifestyle choice
I'm not currently choosing.

Has anyone ever told you that you
talk too much?

Yeah, my defence lawyer said
that once.

Are you ready for the main event?

Are you ready to rumble?

Oh, God, yes.

What about you, big doggy?


Good, because the dog show is about
to begin.


Ladies, welcome to the Dog Pound.

Hi, I'm Joshua.

This is Ricky.

I mean, I'm Ricky, this is Joshua.

I'm April. This is my sister, May.

You got another sister
called June?

No, she died.

I like the look of you, Rover.

I'd definitely pick up your shit
and put it in a bag.


So, I heard you had a juicy bone.

Should we have a go
at trying to find it?

Ta da!

Here it is. Here you go.

I'll just be back in a hot sec,
yeah? You enjoy that.


I'm going to fucking ruin you.

I mean, can you do it later, please?

Thank you, Auntie.

Ah! Sorry.

Is everything all right, doggies?

Yeah, just safe. Safe.

I just, um, do we have to,
um, with...?

Why do you think I invited you?

Those ladies have paid good money
to be here

and they're expecting a good night.

Yeah, but we thought... We were
under the assumption

that you didn't say that.

We'll see how you get on
with April and May,

and if we get a good report back
then we'll see what we can do.



Oh... We'll get back in there.

Bruv, what are you doing?
Snap out of it.

Oi! Stop it. I said stop it.
I'm not doing this, man.

That woman said that she wanted
to ruin me and eat my neck.

Think, think, think.

Right, this is a job for the old
man. You need to call him.

Are you mad? You made me bin off
the old man. How can I call him?

This is an emergency, bruv.

In case of emergency, smash glass,

Doesn't matter, just ring him,

get him here and then we can get
out of here.

Why do I listen to you, man?

Nice costume.

It's not a costume.

Oh, so what you doing here, then?

I live here.

Of course.

Hello? Hello.
Hello, who's that?

Scott? Scott, can you hear me?
me? Hello?

I can't hear you.
You're breaking up.

Scott, can you hear me? Hold on.

Can you hear me?

Fuck's sake. Hello?


Scott, that's better,
can you hear me? Can you hear me?

Yes. I can hear you loud
and clear, Joshua.

Right, that's a proper good line,



Scott. Where are you?

I'm at a party. Where are you?

I'm at a party.

All right, Joshua.
You made it then?

Nice outfit.

Ah, man.
I love this fucking country!

Hello, little doggy.

You want to bury your bone
in my back garden?

Let's go.

Going somewhere, are we, gents?

What? No, we were just...

We were just getting fresh air.

You forgot something.

Ah, yeah.

Thank you, brother babyman.

Yeah, I mean, don't worry.

This can be a little too much for
some people.

Nah, we had a great time, didn't we?
Really enjoyed it.

Yeah. Amazing. We'll be back.

Well, if you want to get in
to this scene,

start off with one
of those little ones,

work your way up to a big fella.

We'll take that on board.

Yeah, noted. OK. Bye.

What kind of Lucifer business
is this?



Oh, that's going to sting, boys!

Don't worry, I'm just going to put
some of this on your eyes,

it'll stop the burning.

What is that?!

It's fine, it's only milk.

I'm lactose intolerant.

It's just a little bit
of breast milk.

All right?