Sit Down Shut Up (2009): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

ENNIS: Honk honk,
high-schlosers.

Make way for a teacher
with a little nut sack.

Hey, where's my
little nut sack?

Ah, don't tell me
I wiggled them in.

Name:
Ennis Hofftard.

Subject:
English teacher.

Catchphrase:
Catchphrases are for losers.

TM, MMIX,
Ennis Hofftard.

Ah, nuts.

Oh, sad.
Hey, Happy!

TRANSLATOR: Name?



Muhannad Sabeeh
"Happy" Fa-ach Nuabar.

Subject:
Blecch-ah.

"Custodian."
Catchphrase?

(GRUMBLING)
Ah, fach-ach America!

"I'm fond of America."

(SHOUTING ANGRILY)

Oh, Happy's sad.

(CAR HONKING)
WOMAN ON RADIO:
And tighten and release

and pull it in
and let it out...

Do you have
to dance to
my Kegel tape?

I don't have to.
I must to.

It's about feelings.

Oh, I have feelings.

I just use my
Kegel muscles
to keep them in.



And you're lucky
I'm not a lady

or I'd unclamp them
all over you.

Yeah, right. If you
were half the man
that I am woman,

I'd make you try.

Please! I have more man
in my little pinky

than you have
in your whole woman!

Well, I have more woman
pinky in my man-hole

than I've ever
had man pinky

in my...
Wait. Who's what, now?

Name:
Andrew LeGustambos.

Subject:
Drama.

Catchphrase:
Speak up!

Name:
Helen Klench.

Subject:
Librarian.

Catchphrase:
Quiet down!

Shut up!
(AMBULANCE SIREN)

Hey, you should have
used your catchphrase.

Ah! My catchphrase.
Well, it's probably
just Willard

trying to get a free
ride to school.

♪ Cheap and old
Cheap and old ♪

It's probably just stress.

Everybody wants to get
rid of the German classes.

Is it my fault that
German has no non-racist
name for black people?

Name:
Willard Deutschebog.

Subject:
German.

Catchphrase:
If I believed
in reincarnation,

I'd kill myself tonight.

Just drop me off
at the school.

I need to show up
or I don't get paid.

Yeah, well,
we need to shock you,
or we don't get paid.

I'm aware of that.
We're clear!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

This is ironic.

Boy, I can't
see anything.
(CRUNCHING)

Because of this
"God Will Protect Me"
bumper sticker.

But I guess
that's the point,
right, Merch?

Steering? Ooh,
I'm gonna have to
start buckling you in.

(TIRES SCREECHING)
(CARS HONKING)

Name:
Miracle Grohe.

Subject:
Science!

Catchphrase:
Babies are gifts
from God.

Drummers are creeps.

(HORN HONKING)
Miracle.
Okay, show time.

Today is the day that
you notice Larry L.

I use "L" because I don't
like to say my last name.

Name:
Larry Littlejunk.

Subject:
P.E.

Catchphrase:
Why can't someone
else teach P.E.?

(PUFFING)

I win again.

And why? Because
Coach L leaves
nothing in the tank.

Oh, look, it's Miracle.
Hey, what's your new
bumper sticker say?

I say run!

Oh, God. Oh!
Oh, kids, always leave
something in the tank.

WILLARD: Oh! Oh!

(ENGINE REVVING)

(TURN SIGNAL CLICKING)

(BRAKES SQUEAKING)

(ENGINE SOUNDS STOP)

Well, I'm going
to have to fix that.

Oh! Oh!

Well, I don't like this.

Excuse me.
That's not your spot.

That's the spot
for the Principal.

Yes, I thought that
would be fine

since the Principal's
still out because of
the "accident" he had

while wearing
those "steel claws"

while he was making
"quotation mark signs."

Well, what you
perhaps don't know is

that I'm the acting
principal in his absence.

Oh, I know that, too.

I'm your new
Assistant Principal, Sue.

Sue, may I call
you Sue, Sue?

No.

Name:
Sue Sezno.

Subject:
Acting Principal.

Catchphrase:
No.

Yeah, it is a little
formal, Sue.

Sue, is there
a nickname for "Sue"?

Something shorter
than Sue, like "Su"?

"Suh" maybe or...

Uh, S...?

Just as a time saver.

S...?

Name:
Stuart Proszakian.

Subject:
Ass Principal.

Prior job:
Prison clown.

Catchphrase:
I need a catchphrase.

Well, why don't we
start with Acting
Principal Sezno?

And later in
the semester, we can
try to get rid of you.

(LAUGHING)
Move your car.

Oh, I'd love to,

but once I've
stopped her running,

she won't start
again for six hours.

I need a catchphrase.
(APPLAUSE)

Stuart, has anyone
ever told you

that you are
completely oblivious?

Not that I'm aware of...
(MUMBLES)

Not that
I'm aware of.
(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

SUE: All right,
girls. Move along.

You've read
the posters.

Those posters
are up for your
safety, too, Ennis.

No, thanks. I'm good.
Our librarian
stepped over the line

by spending
all those days in
that boy's locker.

Okay!

So I flirted
a little bit
with a student.

(CHUCKLES) I was just
gonna surprise him.

You spent three days
in his locker.

Well, obviously
that wasn't
my original plan.

Someone stole
my gas mask.

Back, you hot hunk of...
(THUD)

I mean,
he's a sophomore.

Come on!
He's 23 years old.

Hey, I think his
son goes here.

We all have
to be on our
best behavior.

I'm sure you've
heard the rumor.

We might have to
get rid of a teacher.

I haven't heard that.

Yes, I'm just
starting it now.

The fact is, we didn't
exactly kick ass

on No Child
Left Behind.

Kick ass!

We didn't.
We didn't!

So they're cutting
back our funds.

That's right.
And on top of that,

get ready for
what Happy found

in one of your
football players' lockers.

Drugs, gentlemen.

That's a great way
to get ready,

but be cool.
I hear you're

(MUFFLED)
getting rid of a teacher.

(WATER FOUNTAIN GUSHING)

So what did Happy
find in the locker?

Drugs, Ennis,
the ones in your mouth.

Those were in
a kid's locker?

That's how I took it.
I had those in my mouth!

This is a problem, Larry.

I've asked Miracle,
our science teacher,

to analyze what
these drugs are.

Oh, yeah,
that's great.

Give it to a woman
who beat me out
of the job

by stripping off
all of her clothes

to prove to the
school board that she
"didn't come from no monkey."

Can I get
a flashback on this?

No?

And by the way,
you said you agreed

with Miracle's
creationist theories.

Well, sure. It made
sense at the time.

I mean, there's no way
something that pink
and perfect

came out of a monkey.

Hey, gang,
that'd be a fun image.

No? What if you
blurred the monkey?

They're not
gonna show it.
I know.

I'm a little torn when
it comes to Miracle.

On the one hand,
I am madly, deeply
in love with her.

And on the other,
and I don't mean
this as a criticism...

She's a (BLEEP) Idiot.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Get to the
bottom of this
or you're fired.

Um, Ennis, can I
grab you for a second?

Privately?

Oh, sorry, dude.

I'm not really into
the whole slap
and dangle thing.

I think Andrew's
the type of freak

who'd hang around
the locker room
looking for some action.

Oh, no, you didn't.

No. I just meant,
can we talk?

Oh, sure. Yes. Safer.

I was at the
newsstand this morning,

and I was just buying
some filthies.

Then I ran into
one of my students.

Well, I grabbed
a couple of cooking
magazines to cover,

but I think he noticed.

God! Why didn't I
sign up for the internet
when I had the chance?

Hey, eatin'
ain't cheatin'.

Although it could be
a problem,

especially with
this rumor about
a teacher getting fired.

What?
Get this.

Apparently, any sort
of creepy behavior

is grounds for
termination now!

I should warn Helen.

Ennis, you're
my best friend.
Tell me what to do.

Easy, guv'nor.
Just avoid being
anywhere that Sue is

where there
are also students.

But I'm a teacher here.

That's how I know you.
Hey, my nuts!

Could you just
throw these out?

Give me the filthies.

And if anyone asks...

Hey, I don't know
what the hell this is.

I mean, I've never even
seen a meal like this.

All these meats
and cheeses
and chest hair...

Oh, it's a three-way.

Hey, Deutschebog,
these are your filthies.

These are
Deutschebog's filthies.

He's a teacher here.

This isn't food.
It's a three-way.

(LOCKER DOOR OPENS)
ANDREW: Hey, nuts!

I'm not a teacher.

Oh, hey, Miracle.

Damn it, but I do think
we come from monkeys.

How many times
do I have to
show you my pink...

That can wait.
Did you find out what
the drugs are in the lab?

I brought little
baby Merch with me
to ask the stars.

I ask of thee,
show me a sign.

What is the nature of
this Western medicine
that I offer?

An asteroid?

A steroid?

An ass-troid!

It's a troid
for the ass.

You mean a steroid?

Is there such a thing?

Larry, your students
are taking steroids?

What? You're gonna
believe a woman
who was stupid enough

to climb naked out of
a papier-mache monkey

for a flashback that
they're not even gonna show?

They're not
gonna show it?

Come on, Merch.

Larry thinks
we're stupid.

No! I did it again.
I always blow it
with her.

Look, obviously my kids
aren't on steroids.

They're crap at
every sport they try.

(MAN SINGING
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Pull!

No, these are
performances that
have not been enhanced.

Well, that sophomore
with the equal-length
legs is pretty good.

What's his name...
Redhead Kid?

Yeah, I think
that's his name,

but he's not
on steroids.
He's 23 years old.

Red Haired Man!
That's what it is.

I mean, if I could
get the rest of the team

to play half as well
as he does...

Well, hell,
let's give them the juice.

Wait. What?
The steroids?

Look, we only need
to win one game.

It's the only way
to get any money out
of the alumni.

MAN: The Baiters win a game!
The Baiters win a game!

Larry, it's either
steroids or get
rid of a teacher.

And I refuse to get
my hopes up about that.

Okay. But we test them
on an adult first.

It could make
someone horribly sick.

Hey, Larry,
S...

Great news.
I got my car
to start.

Oh, if it looks like
there's a scratch
on your fender,

don't worry.
It's actually
just a dent.

I need a catchphrase.

(APPLAUSE)

Well, come on.
Let's get those
drugs in him.

Thank you for coming.

I know that Principal
Kevin never made
you go to meetings,

but as you know, Kevin
is still recuperating
from his "lacerations."

Oh, why did I adapt
Edward Scissorhands
for the stage.

That's how we all felt.

WOMAN: If you had
regular hands, you'd
be like everyone else.

KEVIN: I don't want
to be, quote, "regular."
(SLASHING)

(MAN SCREAMS)

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

(CROWD SCREAMS)

So we're gonna have
to fire somebody

or find a way
to raise money.

Any suggestions?

Well, Merch
and I started
a hunger strike.

In honor of
all the people in
Third World countries

who are starving
or just don't know
about restaurants,

we throw away
this expensive food.

Well, that's lovely,
Miracle, but it doesn't
bring in money.

Oh. Then maybe
we should charge
more for food.

Well, I've done
a little research.

Librarians are
essential for that

in case the internet
goes down forever.

And it's come
to my attention
that 16 years ago,

why, there was
a time capsule planted
on this very campus.

It's been a tough year.
We have been at war in Iraq.

Bush has left
the White House,

and we are in the middle
of a huge recession.

God. What a cuckoo time
that must have been.

HELEN: The capsule
was packed with items
thought soon to be rare.

Among them was a bottle
of Dry Tree Chardonnay

that today might
well be worth

hundreds of
pre-George Bush dollars.

Of course, it could be
anywhere on campus.

Fine. I will shortly
be assigning someone

to dig for that
time capsule.

Helen, you'll be digging
for the time capsule.

No fair!
It's not personal,

but you're the
most unappealing.

Nah, I won't fight
you on that one.

Also to that end,
we have a big game
on Thursday.

And I'm assigning
Stuart Proszakian

to work with Larry
as the assistant coach.

But Stuart's gonna
need a lot of energy.

So, Larry, do you have
those vitamins for Stuart?

Okay, Stuart,
take the vitamins.
Just open your mouth.

I want everyone to show
his or her support
and be at that game.

Teachers and students.
Any questions?

Does that
include teachers?

Yes, Willard, it does.
I should have
mentioned that.

Uh, yeah,
shouldn't I be the
new assistant coach

and therefore
least likely
to lose my job?

No. It'll be Stuart.

Anything else?

Yeah. I just
wanted to say that
I'm really glad

that we're winking in
these meetings now

because it makes it
a lot of fun.

And I can't say
I completely get
why we're winking,

but let's
just keep it up.

Okay. I see no one's
winking anymore,

and I just wanted to say
that I'm secretly glad
that we've stopped,

because I never quite
got why we were doing
it in the first place.

I need a catchphrase?

(QUIET APPLAUSE)

These guys just
keep getting worse.

Come on! Stay on
your man. He's only 23,
for God's sake. Jeez.

Don't look at him.
Look at me.

Now look at him.
Now wave to
that other guy.

Where are the smiles,
gentlemen? God!

You've never coached
before, have you, Stuart?

Not technically.

I've coat-ed things
with mint jelly or
what have you,

but to me, that's
not exactly the same
as coach-ing.

But I feel great.

I think it was
those vitamins
that you gave me.

Oh, good. How do
your testicles feel?

(MAN SINGING
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

You know,
they really don't.

I got a little bit
of a tickle

when that mono-browed
librarian planted

a garden shovel
in my yam sack.

But no. I guess
the mint jelly
is doing its job.

Thanks for asking.

Auf Wiedersehen.
It means "goodbye."

After me. Say it.

KIDS: Goodbye.

No, not...
Auf. Say auf.

Please, children,
I need this job. Auf.

ALL: Auf! Auf! Auf!

Great Hitler's ghost.

How dare you
laugh at this man.

God. It doesn't even
sound like laughter!

Yes, Mr. Deutschebog
buys pornography.

Yes, he's chosen
some obscure titles,

like Nothing But Fuzz,
Wet and Jiggly
and Giant Prawns.

But he's a homely
little gripper.

And you have no
right to judge him.

Hey, guys, sorry.

Giant Prawns
is one of his
cooking magazines,

so instead of that one,
let's just say

Squatting.

(ALL LAUGHING)

At least that sounds
like laughter.

(CHUCKLES)
Yeah! Yeah, okay.

Helen, I won't be
locker squatting tonight.

I told the
cheerleaders I'd be
working with them.

Oh, Andrew,
must you have?

Look, I want
to be necessary,

or Sue will get
rid of me, too.

Plus, I have a thing
for Larry, and I
want to impress him.

But Larry's in love
with Miracle.

Oh, yeah, I want to
impress her, too.

They're the perfect
couple for me.

If only you could
squeeze them into
one person.

It's not easy being
bisexual, is it?

I'm not
gonna test well.

Oh, great.
There's Miracle.

I wish I could
talk to her, but I
always end up blowing it,

like the stupid
P.E. teacher that I am.

I could never
even get my P.E.
teacher to do that.

Look, maybe it's just
the vitamins talking,

but you want to see
this girl, you know,

and, uh...
(CHOKES UP)

She probably wants
to see you.

And I want to
see you see her,

but you're
as defensive as one
of your linemen, you...

You... You man!

You man!

You man, you!

(SOBBING)

Listen, Stuart, there's
something I didn't tell you
about those vitamins.

They're actually drugs.
Happy found them
in a kid's locker.

A locker?

Yeah. That always hits
home for some reason.

We think
they're steroids.

But isn't it true
that they cause
birth defects?

Only in babies.

Well, as long as I'm
out of the danger zone.

Now, go.
Talk to Miracle.

And don't get angry.
Just show her
you're a man.

I would, but lately
it's gotten so tiny,
that you can barely tell.

Hi, Larry.
Hey.

Hi. I was just coming
to give you a list
of all the kids

who are on
the starvation drive.

Yeah, that's
awesome, Miracle.

I'm so glad you're
bringing in money.

Throwing out food.
Whatever.

I'd hate it
if you were the one
who got fired.

I know. And science class
should be the first to go.

Everyone knows it's
just a bunch of voodoo
the Jews came up with

so they could charge us
for medicine and stuff,

right, baby Merch?

He's trying
to nod. Look!

Wait. You've got
half my football
team on this fast.

No wonder they've
been so lethargic.
Are you that stupid!

Look, Larry,
I'm idealistic, okay?

I believe in doing things
that are unrealistic
or have no effect.

That's who I am,
you man!
You man, you!

So did you tell
her how you feel?
You man, you!

Oh, shoot.

(SOBBING)

We'll be right back.

Helen, if you'd like
to take a break
and watch the game,

I'd be happy to
deny that request.

I've never felt
more alive!

Request de...
Oh. Well, great.

Well, then keep up
the digging.

Can't fire someone
who digs holes.

Deutschen?

Deutschebog?

Deutsche-Willard-bog?

Filthy buyer.

Willard Deutschenbog,
who bought the filthies

that he didn't
want anyone to...
What?

Mission accomplished.
Great.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT)
Got rid of that package
we talked about, guv'nor.

(WHISPERS)
Terrific.

Uh, Willard,
you're welcome for
hiding your porno.

BOYS: (CHANTING) Porno!
Porno! Porno! Porno!

WILLARD: Porno. Porno!

No porn! No porn! No...

Oh, hi, Sue. I'm
just trying to keep
the kids away from porn.

Well, keep up
the weird work.

You can't fire
somebody who keeps
kids away from porn.

LARRY: Come on, guys.
Don't let the hunger
get to you.

We got to win this thing.
This is the pilot!

Hot dogs. Meats and cheeses
and hair. And hot dogs.

Mmm! (GRUNTS)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(CROWD GROANS)

Stupid starvation drive.

I should have given them
the steroids, but they
didn't work for you.

Well, maybe they
just need a little
encouragement.

You shouldn't be
afraid to show them
your feminine side.

We've all got
a feminine side.

I am noticing that.

Ok, guys, I know
you're hungry,
but so am I,

for my job.
(GIRLS EXCLAIMING)

Oh, the hell with it.
I'll do it myself.

I'll show Larry and Miracle
that a man over 30
can shake his buns.

And that came out sad.

Hit it.

(MUSIC PLAYING)
WOMAN: And tighten
and release

and pull it in
and let it out...

Notice me.
Notice me.
Notice me!

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

ANDREW: What? What's
everyone looking at?

Come on, guys.
Let's show the boys
what we think of them.

Jump up and down, everybody.

Let's shake those
shoulders, people.

I'm up here, boys!

Well, I can't
compete with that,

but I can ask it out.

It's like a combination
of Larry and Miracle.

Uh-huh.
(CROWD CHEERING)

Stuart, we've
got the ball.
We can win this!

Rush the defense!
Come on, Salmon! Rush D.

Salman Rushdie?

TRANSLATOR:
"Salman Rushdie? Where?"

Salman Rushdie?
TRANSLATOR:
"Salman Rushdie?"

(SPEAKING MOCK ARABIC)

TRANSLATOR:
"I am such a huge fan."

Well, he's fooled no one
with that last bit.

Well, you can't fire
someone who loves
Salman Rushdie.

We don't have a chance.
There's no one on the
field to stop them.

(HELEN YELLS)

(GRUNTS)

Yeah! Cha-boom!
Cha-boom! Cha-boom!

Nice breasts.

That's odd.

Well, I guess "breast" is
scary Muslim talk for "ass."

That's sweet.

The Baiters win the game!
No one gets fired.

The Baiters win the game!

CROWD: The Baiters
win the game!

The Baiters win the game!

Well, the Baiters
lost the game.

Yeah, I don't
know why I thought
they would count that.

But it's Miracle's fault
with her bone-headed
starvation drive.

(SOBBING)
(WHISPERS) I love you.

It's not Miracle's fault.

Those kids never
wanted to play ball.

You know how they are.

At that age,
they just want to stare
at my heaving breasts.

Well, these are new!

Yes, it turns out
what we thought
were steroids

were actually female
hormone replacements.

Of course, I don't want
to embarrass anyone

by saying whose they are.

I found
the time capsule!

Hey, look at that.
I need a catchphrase!

The B-story.
ENNIS: I have no reaction!

Hey, great!
We found your hormones.

You lost them when
yowere squatting
in that boy's locker.

Oh, yeah.
I stopped taking those.

Hey, I guess that explains
my recent love of tackling
and digging, huh?

So if I stop taking
the pills,

these hideous breasts
will go away?

That's right.

Then I'm gonna
stop taking them.

Damn it.

Well, the good news is
we've got our wine,
and not a moment too soon.

I'll let you in
on a little secret.

I would have quit
this job before I let

one of you get
fired on my watch.

I was. I would have.
MIRACLE: That's amazing!

Pacific Rim?
Greased and Grinning?

Booty Enthusiast?

Wow. I just had Happy
bury those filthies
for Willard yesterday.

Actually, Pacific Rim
is a cooking magazine.

Oh, Willard,
you poor lonely man.

You're fired.