Sister, Sister (1994–1999): Season 4, Episode 18 - My Guy - full transcript
In exchange for tickets for a sold-out Boyz II Men concert - which Roger failed to get - Tamera promises Elliot, the school nerd, to get Tia to date him. During his make-over, Tamera herself starts to see Elliot as the perfect guy. Lisa goes different ways when she expands to dog fashion which soon leads her to the top.
Man on radio: Well, Detroit,
- those boyz ii men
- concert tickets
Sold out this morning
in 15 minutes.
Well, I'm getting mine.
Or... at least Roger is.
He camped out all night
at the stadium.
Hey, he was happy to do it.
I paid for the tickets,
- and he gets to come
- to the concert
With me next Saturday.
Plus, I promised him
the biggest kiss of his life.
Tia, what happened?
Bam bam buppa behbi.
Oh, no...
She says Gordon
broke up with her.
Poobie behba buppa.
Oh...
She says he was the
perfect guy for her.
Yaww...
Oh, Tia...
You're looking for love
in all the wrong places.
Come into my world.
Now, there's the perfect guy.
And there and there and there.
- Roger: It's Roger.
- Can I come in?
Ah, here comes my tickets
to paradise.
- The good news is
- I was at the front of the line.
Great! So, where's the tickets?
That's the bad news.
- About 3:00 in the morning,
- hypothermia set in,
And I was rendered unconscious.
You mean...
You didn't...
Get the tickets?
Oh... ba-ba-ba...
Ba, ba-ba-ban!
- She says you'd better run,
- 'cause she's going to kill you.
- ♪ Talk about
- a two-way twister ♪
♪ shakin' up the family tree
with sibling synchronicity ♪
♪ never knew
how much I missed ya ♪
♪ I ain't ever gonna
let you go! ♪
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
- ♪ Never knew
- how much I missed ya ♪
♪ I ain't ever gonna
let you go ♪
- Tamera:
- Tia, I'd better face it.
The closest I'm going to get
to the perfect guy is...
This.
- And the closest I'll ever
- get to the perfect guy is...
Hi, Tia.
Hi, Elliot.
How are you doing, Elliot?
Yo, Elliot.
Anybody home?
Oh, hello, tamera.
Tell me honestly.
- Could I ever be
- the sort of fellow
That Tia would want?
Aw, Elliot...
I don't want to hurt
your feelings, but...
- Snap out of it!
- She's never going to date you.
Then I guess I wasted
my money on these.
- I was going to take
- her this weekend.
Boyz ii men concert tickets?
You know, Elliot
you might be more
Tia's type than I thought.
Really?
Yeah. See, the trouble is
she sees you as a bud,
not a stud.
But, um, if you give me
those tickets,
maybe I can help.
Wait, wait, wait.
- You mean you can
- get your sister
Interested in me?
Romantically?
- Uh, let me see
- those tickets again.
Man, front row center.
I absolutely guarantee it.
It's a deal, then, partner.
When Tia falls for me
then you get the tickets.
There. Now, how many strays
- can say they own
- an original fashion by Lisa?
Give mama some love.
Hey, there, pal.
Whose little guy are you?
-Whoa!
Watch out there now.
- Wait, I know him.
- Isn't that the stray that lives
Behind the mini-mart?
Uh-huh. It's happy,
the dumpster dog.
Oh, he's gentle as a lamb.
Yeah, well. He's faking it!
I'm telling you, Lisa.
- Last Sunday, I was coming out
- of muller's crawlers,
And he attacked me!
- I'd dropped the strudel,
- and I ran for my life.
- Oh, ray, that's terrible!
- What kind of strudel was it?
What is he doing here?
He's leaving.
In style.
- Man, those nights
- were getting a little nippy,
- So that coat ought to get him
- through the winter.
- Now, if it gets a little warm,
- that inside lining zips out.
- Don't even think
- about adopting him.
- Oh, I couldn't,
- he's public property.
Everybody takes care of happy.
- He's the only dog I know
- not leading a dog's life.
I got to hand it to you, Lisa.
- You actually made that
- nasty little animal look good.
Although I have to say
that coat did remind me
of something.
No, it didn't.
Yes, it did.
Oh, I know.
- You know, my tartan
- plaid drapes in the bedroom?
The ones you hate so much?
- Kind of looked like them
- a little bit.
Drapes?
- Drapes! Oh, yes,
- I know the ones you mean.
- The left goes all the way
- to the floor,
- And the right stops way up
- around here?
- Of course not. Both my drapes
- are the same length.
Yeah, sure, right,
'cause I guess
- you'd notice
- if they weren't, huh?
You betcha.
Excuse me a minute.
Tia, when you stop
to think about it,
- I mean, all kind of sexy guys
- wear bow ties.
James Bond, Forrest Gump,
bubbles the chimp.
Oh, now, that's a hunkster.
Whoa, hold me back.
Tamera. Would you cut it out?
Look, Elliot's a nice guy,
but I don't think he's sexy.
Bow tie or no bow tie.
- Okay, fine.
- I'm zipping the lip.
The subject of Elliot
is closed.
Whoa, would you look
who's in the school paper.
Let me guess. Elliot?
What a coincidence, huh?
Big picture, page one.
"Science club mugged."
Attractive fella, isn't he?
Even with broken glasses.
Tamera, what are you?
- President of
- the Elliot fan club?
Give it a rest.
You got it, girl.
Did I ever tell you
Elliot plays the glockenspiel?
Dad, call me crazy,
but I think I just saw a dog
- walking down the street
- wearing your curtains.
- You know,
- that's exactly what I said.
Where are you going, ray?
-To my room.
-Oh. Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Lisa, what did you do?
- Tamera, your daddy should never
- have hung those drapes.
He should have shot them.
- He should be as thankful to me
- as that mini-mart mutt.
Whoa, wait a minute.
That dog outside was happy
from the mini-mart?
I didn't even recognize him.
- That's 'cause he was dressed in
- fashions by Lisa, paw to tail.
- Makes him a whole new
- kind of pooch, don't you think?
- Sure, I'll say.
- He was pretty homely before,
- But he was so cute
- in that outfit.
- I wanted to pick him up
- and cuddle him.
You did?
Yeah, sure.
- That little guy's got it
- going on now.
Got a new spring in his step,
new swagger to his wagger.
- A whole new look
- will do that for you.
I think you're onto something.
Ray: Lisa!
- Oh, I think somebody else
- is onto something.
Mom, where you going?
It's freezing out there.
Don't worry, baby.
- When you're moving fast
- you hardly feel it.
Tamera: Trust me, Elliot.
I know what I'm doing.
Come on, Roger.
♪ Something tells me
you've looking for me ♪
♪ The more I thought
of going away ♪
♪ Do you feel my heart
beating crazy? ♪
♪ The more I know
we come out together, baby ♪
Elliot, is that you?
Looking good, Elliot.
Walk you to class, Elliot?
- Tamera: Okay, okay,
- okay, okay, move on!
There's nothing to see here.
Elliot...
You look great, but...
- You're late.
- Where have you been?
I had to stay after class.
I'm tutoring my teacher.
Well... here.
Tia will be here any minute.
Tamera, you really think
she's going to like me?
Are you kidding?
You're terrific.
Oh, come on.
No, I mean it.
I mean...
We spent a lot of time together
these last few days, and...
Now that I know you...
I like you...
A lot.
I like you, too.
Tamera... I want you
to have these.
The concert tickets?
- But Elliot, the deal
- was for you and Tia...
Yes, I know, but whether Tia
goes out with me or not,
- you deserve them,
- because of what you did for me.
Hey, it's no big deal.
I mean, you're crazy
about my sister,
and you deserve a shot.
You still are crazy
about her, aren't you?
Elliot: There she is.
Good luck.
Well, go on.
What are you waiting for?
Hello, sweet thing.
Lisa's doghouse of style.
Good afternoon.
- Oh, you saw
- the little mini-mart pooch?
Yes, that was
my label in his coat.
- So, uh, what can I do
- for the dog in your life?
No, that's no problem.
- I'll have those culottes
- for koko by Friday.
Ciao.
Oh, ray, taking pity
on that poor little stray
- has given me
- a whole new business.
- If I knew charity
- paid off like this
- I wouldn't have been
- putting monopoly money
- In the collection plate
- all these years.
- Lisa, if you ask me,
- some of your clients
- Are a little
- tetched in the old caboodle.
So what? If they got the money,
I'll make a tux for a bunny.
- By the way, I tried to put away
- your laundry this morning,
- But I couldn't open
- your bedroom door.
I locked it.
- I don't want to come out
- of the deli
And see some dog
wearing my bedspread.
Don't worry, ray.
Not even a dog would
wear that bedspread.
Tamera, this time I think
I really found the perfect man.
Elliot told me what
you did for him.
For me.
For us!
- Tamera, you're
- the best sister in the world.
Yay for me.
I mean it. It's like a miracle.
- You know,
- I always thought of him
As my goofy friend Elliot,
but now he's smooth and fine,
and he's going to be mine.
What's that?
Oh, nothing.
- Just tickets
- to the boyz ii men concert.
You're kidding!
Tamera, this is so cool.
We both got what we wanted.
Hey, you got your tickets,
and I got my guy.
No.
You got my guy.
Uh, yeah...
A tutu for Toto by Tuesday?
Uh-uh-uh-huh.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
No, that'd be no problem.
Uh... uh... uh...
Now, could you hold?
That's my other phone.
Yeah, good afternoon,
Lisa's doghouse...
Of style.
-No. Yeah.
Could you hold on, please?
- Yeah, now, hello? Good af...
- Could you hold?
Could you... oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh!
Whoo!
Peace at last.
Ray: Get of me! Get back!
- Lisa, who brought
- all those dogs here?
- A lot of sick,
- sick people, ray.
They want their dogs
dressed as cowboys
they want to dress as cops,
- they want to dress
- as hard hats, Indian chiefs...
- Am I dressing dogs
- or the village people?
Oh, ray. Ray, help me.
- Success is biting me
- in the butt.
Oh, ray...
Sit!
Stay.
You want a cookie?
- Lisa, you know,
- you've always wanted to be
A successful businesswoman.
Well, success does
have its price.
Well, I had no idea
it was so high.
- I've barely said three words
- to my child in days.
I miss my baby, ray.
- You've been wishing
- for this for a long time.
Now that you've got it
- you better find a way
- to deal with it.
I guess you're right.
Back to work.
- What are...
- What are you doing?
You ever try to measure
the inseam of a rottweiler?
So anyway,
these last few days
of school have been painful.
I mean, Tia's all over Elliot
like fuzz on a peach.
And why not?
I made her the perfect man!
So she gets him,
and I get diddly.
Your name is diddly,
isn't it?
You're a great listener.
And you're right.
I've got to get over it.
They like each other.
- I hope
- they live happily ever after.
Tamera, I got a big problem
with Elliot.
Yes!
I mean...
Yes, I'm here for you.
Excuse us a second. Thank you.
So, what's the problem?
Tamera, Elliot asked me out
on a date, but I'm so nervous.
- And I really want him
- to like me.
Tia, he already does.
- I mean, the guy even named all
- his lab rats after you.
- Yeah, but that was before
- he cutened up.
- Now every girl in school
- is chasing after him,
- And I don't know
- how to talk to him anymore.
Tia, don't worry.
- I spent a lot of time
- with Elliot.
He's very easy to talk to.
See? Tamera,
you know him so well.
- -That's why you got to help me.
- -Help you what?
Get through the date!
Coach me!
- Tamera, I've already
- been dumped once this week.
I can't take it again.
- So, please, tell me everything
- I need to know
- To be his perfect woman,
- please, please, please!
- Okay, okay, but it's going
- to take a lot of time.
- No, no, no.
- There is no time, tamera.
- The date's tonight!
- Come on. Help me! Help me!
Okay, okay. Chill!
I got an idea.
We're going to...
- We're going to need
- some backup.
Someone smart.
Someone we can depend on.
- Aw, shoot, no time for that.
- I'll call Roger.
- Your sister better whip
- through this date.
- I got to get this equipment
- back to my cousin chalmus
At rocket burger.
- I don't know Roger,
- this stuff looks kind of dinky.
I mean, does it really work?
Cousin chalmus swears by it.
- Eight years
- at the rocket burger window
- And he hasn't yet served
- a rocket pocket pita
Instead of a rocket
velveeta fajita.
So I can hear Tia
through this little thing?
Yep. As long as she talks
directly into the pepper mill.
- Now, where's
- my boyz ii men concert tickets?
- What's the matter?
- You don't trust me?
Are you kidding?
- After that cruel "biggest
- kiss in my life" charade?
- You might get me
- a chocolate ticket.
Here they come!
You know, Tia,
I would have taken you
- to a much nicer
- place than this.
Well, uh, this is one of
my favorite restaurants.
They have the heimlich chart
in the lobby.
Right this way.
- I got the perfect
- table for you here.
Roger, I didn't know
you worked here.
- Yeah. I'm a place setting
- removal engineer.
A what?
He's the busboy.
Uh, great table, huh?
- Great view of the pepper mill,
- don't you think?
Huh?
Uh... perhaps you care
to freshen up
behind that screen over there.
Oh! Oh, yes!
Um... I do have
the sudden urge to freshen.
Excuse me.
- Say, Roger,
- have you seen tamera lately?
She's, uh... got the flu.
Oh, she's been sick.
Maybe that explains why she's
been staying away from me.
- Man, I've really been
- missing her.
- Well, you just
- missed her again.
Well.
I'm back.
And...
Yes, I can hear you.
I can hear you, too.
Good.
So, uh...
What shall we talk about?
Okay, okay, Tia,
I know Elliot looks cool,
but he's really very insecure,
so compliment something.
Uh...
Boy, good-looking tablecloths.
About him!
And, uh... you'd look
good wearing one.
This is going to be
a long night.
- This is going to be
- a long night.
Uh-oh.
Houston, we have a problem.
- I think I'm picking up
- rocket burger!
- If it's cousin chalmus,
- say: "Wassup?"
Roger, this is serious!
- I'm listening
- to somebody's order!
So, Tia, what would you like?
Uh... three astro shakes,
a regular coffee, no sugar,
- two moon pies, and is there
- Mayo in the Luna tuna salad?
'Cause my wife wants to know.
- Uh,
- maybe you have the lunch menu.
Do I? Uh, let me see.
What the heck is going on?
- I was about to ask
- the same thing.
Oh.
- Oh. This is just a game I used
- to play when I was little.
- You know,
- "talk to the condiments."
Hey, what's up, Mr. Ketchup?
How's it going, Mr. Sugar?
Help me, Mr. Pepper!
I'll refill this for you.
No! Wait! Wait! No!
Tia... Tia?
Elliot, I don't know
what to say.
Actually, I'm feeling
a little awkward myself.
- This isn't going
- too well, is it?
- This is the first time
- since we've been going together
- That we've really talked,
- and...
- We don't have anything
- to talk about.
And I hate to say this, but
- you think maybe
- we're not as perfect
For each other as we thought?
Tia! I can't hear you!
But if you can hear me,
tell Elliot that he's smart,
and cool, and funny, nice...
It's much too fast! Slow down!
I was going to say
the same thing.
We do need to slow down.
Tia.
- Maybe we were more
- comfortable with each other
- -when we were just...
- -Friends?
Yeah...
I guess you're right.
And... I didn't need
to work so hard
- trying to create
- the perfect man.
Because...
You were already perfect.
- I just wish I'd have
- figured that out sooner.
- -Tia.
- -Shh!
Oh, my gosh.
She's crazy about you.
Who's crazy?
Besides you?
Elliot.
- How do you feel
- about my sister?
Oh.
- Now we've got something
- to talk about.
- I didn't know how
- to tell you before,
But are you familiar
with piedmont's theory
of inverse disproportional
polarity among orbiting bodies?
Uh... no.
Well. Let me put it simply.
Girlfriend's got it going on.
Hold that thought.
And then there's
the cute way your eyes cross,
- when you take off
- your glasses...
Tamera?
Tia! What are you doing here?
Who's talking to Elliot?
You are.
Tamera, why didn't you
tell me you liked him?
Tia, I couldn't do that to you.
I mean, you finally
found the perfect guy.
- Oh, he's the perfect guy,
- all right.
For you.
What?
But Tia, you...
- So, why don't you
- go tell him so?
He's waiting.
Thanks.
- I don't understand why you
- gave up your business, Lisa.
- Your doghouse of style
- was going through the...
Roof!
- Don't make me tie you up
- outside, ray.
I told you, I quit to spend
more time with my child.
Look. I proved that I could be
a successful businesswoman.
- And if I could start
- one career from scratch,
- -i can start another one.
- -Speaking of scratch.
- We're leaving now.
- I just set this flea bomb.
- Come on.
- I'm taking you to dinner.
- Lisa, I have forgiven you
- for cutting up my curtains.
- I'm not mad anymore.
- You don't have to do this.
Oh, yes, I do.
Eh... believe me, I do.
I knew she'd realize
she was tired of him,
and know I loved her...
- If I could say
- this line right...
- I knew you were
- going to do that.
- I could pull it if I could
- say this line right...
Man: Five, four, three, two.
- those boyz ii men
- concert tickets
Sold out this morning
in 15 minutes.
Well, I'm getting mine.
Or... at least Roger is.
He camped out all night
at the stadium.
Hey, he was happy to do it.
I paid for the tickets,
- and he gets to come
- to the concert
With me next Saturday.
Plus, I promised him
the biggest kiss of his life.
Tia, what happened?
Bam bam buppa behbi.
Oh, no...
She says Gordon
broke up with her.
Poobie behba buppa.
Oh...
She says he was the
perfect guy for her.
Yaww...
Oh, Tia...
You're looking for love
in all the wrong places.
Come into my world.
Now, there's the perfect guy.
And there and there and there.
- Roger: It's Roger.
- Can I come in?
Ah, here comes my tickets
to paradise.
- The good news is
- I was at the front of the line.
Great! So, where's the tickets?
That's the bad news.
- About 3:00 in the morning,
- hypothermia set in,
And I was rendered unconscious.
You mean...
You didn't...
Get the tickets?
Oh... ba-ba-ba...
Ba, ba-ba-ban!
- She says you'd better run,
- 'cause she's going to kill you.
- ♪ Talk about
- a two-way twister ♪
♪ shakin' up the family tree
with sibling synchronicity ♪
♪ never knew
how much I missed ya ♪
♪ I ain't ever gonna
let you go! ♪
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
- ♪ Never knew
- how much I missed ya ♪
♪ I ain't ever gonna
let you go ♪
- Tamera:
- Tia, I'd better face it.
The closest I'm going to get
to the perfect guy is...
This.
- And the closest I'll ever
- get to the perfect guy is...
Hi, Tia.
Hi, Elliot.
How are you doing, Elliot?
Yo, Elliot.
Anybody home?
Oh, hello, tamera.
Tell me honestly.
- Could I ever be
- the sort of fellow
That Tia would want?
Aw, Elliot...
I don't want to hurt
your feelings, but...
- Snap out of it!
- She's never going to date you.
Then I guess I wasted
my money on these.
- I was going to take
- her this weekend.
Boyz ii men concert tickets?
You know, Elliot
you might be more
Tia's type than I thought.
Really?
Yeah. See, the trouble is
she sees you as a bud,
not a stud.
But, um, if you give me
those tickets,
maybe I can help.
Wait, wait, wait.
- You mean you can
- get your sister
Interested in me?
Romantically?
- Uh, let me see
- those tickets again.
Man, front row center.
I absolutely guarantee it.
It's a deal, then, partner.
When Tia falls for me
then you get the tickets.
There. Now, how many strays
- can say they own
- an original fashion by Lisa?
Give mama some love.
Hey, there, pal.
Whose little guy are you?
-Whoa!
Watch out there now.
- Wait, I know him.
- Isn't that the stray that lives
Behind the mini-mart?
Uh-huh. It's happy,
the dumpster dog.
Oh, he's gentle as a lamb.
Yeah, well. He's faking it!
I'm telling you, Lisa.
- Last Sunday, I was coming out
- of muller's crawlers,
And he attacked me!
- I'd dropped the strudel,
- and I ran for my life.
- Oh, ray, that's terrible!
- What kind of strudel was it?
What is he doing here?
He's leaving.
In style.
- Man, those nights
- were getting a little nippy,
- So that coat ought to get him
- through the winter.
- Now, if it gets a little warm,
- that inside lining zips out.
- Don't even think
- about adopting him.
- Oh, I couldn't,
- he's public property.
Everybody takes care of happy.
- He's the only dog I know
- not leading a dog's life.
I got to hand it to you, Lisa.
- You actually made that
- nasty little animal look good.
Although I have to say
that coat did remind me
of something.
No, it didn't.
Yes, it did.
Oh, I know.
- You know, my tartan
- plaid drapes in the bedroom?
The ones you hate so much?
- Kind of looked like them
- a little bit.
Drapes?
- Drapes! Oh, yes,
- I know the ones you mean.
- The left goes all the way
- to the floor,
- And the right stops way up
- around here?
- Of course not. Both my drapes
- are the same length.
Yeah, sure, right,
'cause I guess
- you'd notice
- if they weren't, huh?
You betcha.
Excuse me a minute.
Tia, when you stop
to think about it,
- I mean, all kind of sexy guys
- wear bow ties.
James Bond, Forrest Gump,
bubbles the chimp.
Oh, now, that's a hunkster.
Whoa, hold me back.
Tamera. Would you cut it out?
Look, Elliot's a nice guy,
but I don't think he's sexy.
Bow tie or no bow tie.
- Okay, fine.
- I'm zipping the lip.
The subject of Elliot
is closed.
Whoa, would you look
who's in the school paper.
Let me guess. Elliot?
What a coincidence, huh?
Big picture, page one.
"Science club mugged."
Attractive fella, isn't he?
Even with broken glasses.
Tamera, what are you?
- President of
- the Elliot fan club?
Give it a rest.
You got it, girl.
Did I ever tell you
Elliot plays the glockenspiel?
Dad, call me crazy,
but I think I just saw a dog
- walking down the street
- wearing your curtains.
- You know,
- that's exactly what I said.
Where are you going, ray?
-To my room.
-Oh. Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Lisa, what did you do?
- Tamera, your daddy should never
- have hung those drapes.
He should have shot them.
- He should be as thankful to me
- as that mini-mart mutt.
Whoa, wait a minute.
That dog outside was happy
from the mini-mart?
I didn't even recognize him.
- That's 'cause he was dressed in
- fashions by Lisa, paw to tail.
- Makes him a whole new
- kind of pooch, don't you think?
- Sure, I'll say.
- He was pretty homely before,
- But he was so cute
- in that outfit.
- I wanted to pick him up
- and cuddle him.
You did?
Yeah, sure.
- That little guy's got it
- going on now.
Got a new spring in his step,
new swagger to his wagger.
- A whole new look
- will do that for you.
I think you're onto something.
Ray: Lisa!
- Oh, I think somebody else
- is onto something.
Mom, where you going?
It's freezing out there.
Don't worry, baby.
- When you're moving fast
- you hardly feel it.
Tamera: Trust me, Elliot.
I know what I'm doing.
Come on, Roger.
♪ Something tells me
you've looking for me ♪
♪ The more I thought
of going away ♪
♪ Do you feel my heart
beating crazy? ♪
♪ The more I know
we come out together, baby ♪
Elliot, is that you?
Looking good, Elliot.
Walk you to class, Elliot?
- Tamera: Okay, okay,
- okay, okay, move on!
There's nothing to see here.
Elliot...
You look great, but...
- You're late.
- Where have you been?
I had to stay after class.
I'm tutoring my teacher.
Well... here.
Tia will be here any minute.
Tamera, you really think
she's going to like me?
Are you kidding?
You're terrific.
Oh, come on.
No, I mean it.
I mean...
We spent a lot of time together
these last few days, and...
Now that I know you...
I like you...
A lot.
I like you, too.
Tamera... I want you
to have these.
The concert tickets?
- But Elliot, the deal
- was for you and Tia...
Yes, I know, but whether Tia
goes out with me or not,
- you deserve them,
- because of what you did for me.
Hey, it's no big deal.
I mean, you're crazy
about my sister,
and you deserve a shot.
You still are crazy
about her, aren't you?
Elliot: There she is.
Good luck.
Well, go on.
What are you waiting for?
Hello, sweet thing.
Lisa's doghouse of style.
Good afternoon.
- Oh, you saw
- the little mini-mart pooch?
Yes, that was
my label in his coat.
- So, uh, what can I do
- for the dog in your life?
No, that's no problem.
- I'll have those culottes
- for koko by Friday.
Ciao.
Oh, ray, taking pity
on that poor little stray
- has given me
- a whole new business.
- If I knew charity
- paid off like this
- I wouldn't have been
- putting monopoly money
- In the collection plate
- all these years.
- Lisa, if you ask me,
- some of your clients
- Are a little
- tetched in the old caboodle.
So what? If they got the money,
I'll make a tux for a bunny.
- By the way, I tried to put away
- your laundry this morning,
- But I couldn't open
- your bedroom door.
I locked it.
- I don't want to come out
- of the deli
And see some dog
wearing my bedspread.
Don't worry, ray.
Not even a dog would
wear that bedspread.
Tamera, this time I think
I really found the perfect man.
Elliot told me what
you did for him.
For me.
For us!
- Tamera, you're
- the best sister in the world.
Yay for me.
I mean it. It's like a miracle.
- You know,
- I always thought of him
As my goofy friend Elliot,
but now he's smooth and fine,
and he's going to be mine.
What's that?
Oh, nothing.
- Just tickets
- to the boyz ii men concert.
You're kidding!
Tamera, this is so cool.
We both got what we wanted.
Hey, you got your tickets,
and I got my guy.
No.
You got my guy.
Uh, yeah...
A tutu for Toto by Tuesday?
Uh-uh-uh-huh.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
No, that'd be no problem.
Uh... uh... uh...
Now, could you hold?
That's my other phone.
Yeah, good afternoon,
Lisa's doghouse...
Of style.
-No. Yeah.
Could you hold on, please?
- Yeah, now, hello? Good af...
- Could you hold?
Could you... oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh!
Whoo!
Peace at last.
Ray: Get of me! Get back!
- Lisa, who brought
- all those dogs here?
- A lot of sick,
- sick people, ray.
They want their dogs
dressed as cowboys
they want to dress as cops,
- they want to dress
- as hard hats, Indian chiefs...
- Am I dressing dogs
- or the village people?
Oh, ray. Ray, help me.
- Success is biting me
- in the butt.
Oh, ray...
Sit!
Stay.
You want a cookie?
- Lisa, you know,
- you've always wanted to be
A successful businesswoman.
Well, success does
have its price.
Well, I had no idea
it was so high.
- I've barely said three words
- to my child in days.
I miss my baby, ray.
- You've been wishing
- for this for a long time.
Now that you've got it
- you better find a way
- to deal with it.
I guess you're right.
Back to work.
- What are...
- What are you doing?
You ever try to measure
the inseam of a rottweiler?
So anyway,
these last few days
of school have been painful.
I mean, Tia's all over Elliot
like fuzz on a peach.
And why not?
I made her the perfect man!
So she gets him,
and I get diddly.
Your name is diddly,
isn't it?
You're a great listener.
And you're right.
I've got to get over it.
They like each other.
- I hope
- they live happily ever after.
Tamera, I got a big problem
with Elliot.
Yes!
I mean...
Yes, I'm here for you.
Excuse us a second. Thank you.
So, what's the problem?
Tamera, Elliot asked me out
on a date, but I'm so nervous.
- And I really want him
- to like me.
Tia, he already does.
- I mean, the guy even named all
- his lab rats after you.
- Yeah, but that was before
- he cutened up.
- Now every girl in school
- is chasing after him,
- And I don't know
- how to talk to him anymore.
Tia, don't worry.
- I spent a lot of time
- with Elliot.
He's very easy to talk to.
See? Tamera,
you know him so well.
- -That's why you got to help me.
- -Help you what?
Get through the date!
Coach me!
- Tamera, I've already
- been dumped once this week.
I can't take it again.
- So, please, tell me everything
- I need to know
- To be his perfect woman,
- please, please, please!
- Okay, okay, but it's going
- to take a lot of time.
- No, no, no.
- There is no time, tamera.
- The date's tonight!
- Come on. Help me! Help me!
Okay, okay. Chill!
I got an idea.
We're going to...
- We're going to need
- some backup.
Someone smart.
Someone we can depend on.
- Aw, shoot, no time for that.
- I'll call Roger.
- Your sister better whip
- through this date.
- I got to get this equipment
- back to my cousin chalmus
At rocket burger.
- I don't know Roger,
- this stuff looks kind of dinky.
I mean, does it really work?
Cousin chalmus swears by it.
- Eight years
- at the rocket burger window
- And he hasn't yet served
- a rocket pocket pita
Instead of a rocket
velveeta fajita.
So I can hear Tia
through this little thing?
Yep. As long as she talks
directly into the pepper mill.
- Now, where's
- my boyz ii men concert tickets?
- What's the matter?
- You don't trust me?
Are you kidding?
- After that cruel "biggest
- kiss in my life" charade?
- You might get me
- a chocolate ticket.
Here they come!
You know, Tia,
I would have taken you
- to a much nicer
- place than this.
Well, uh, this is one of
my favorite restaurants.
They have the heimlich chart
in the lobby.
Right this way.
- I got the perfect
- table for you here.
Roger, I didn't know
you worked here.
- Yeah. I'm a place setting
- removal engineer.
A what?
He's the busboy.
Uh, great table, huh?
- Great view of the pepper mill,
- don't you think?
Huh?
Uh... perhaps you care
to freshen up
behind that screen over there.
Oh! Oh, yes!
Um... I do have
the sudden urge to freshen.
Excuse me.
- Say, Roger,
- have you seen tamera lately?
She's, uh... got the flu.
Oh, she's been sick.
Maybe that explains why she's
been staying away from me.
- Man, I've really been
- missing her.
- Well, you just
- missed her again.
Well.
I'm back.
And...
Yes, I can hear you.
I can hear you, too.
Good.
So, uh...
What shall we talk about?
Okay, okay, Tia,
I know Elliot looks cool,
but he's really very insecure,
so compliment something.
Uh...
Boy, good-looking tablecloths.
About him!
And, uh... you'd look
good wearing one.
This is going to be
a long night.
- This is going to be
- a long night.
Uh-oh.
Houston, we have a problem.
- I think I'm picking up
- rocket burger!
- If it's cousin chalmus,
- say: "Wassup?"
Roger, this is serious!
- I'm listening
- to somebody's order!
So, Tia, what would you like?
Uh... three astro shakes,
a regular coffee, no sugar,
- two moon pies, and is there
- Mayo in the Luna tuna salad?
'Cause my wife wants to know.
- Uh,
- maybe you have the lunch menu.
Do I? Uh, let me see.
What the heck is going on?
- I was about to ask
- the same thing.
Oh.
- Oh. This is just a game I used
- to play when I was little.
- You know,
- "talk to the condiments."
Hey, what's up, Mr. Ketchup?
How's it going, Mr. Sugar?
Help me, Mr. Pepper!
I'll refill this for you.
No! Wait! Wait! No!
Tia... Tia?
Elliot, I don't know
what to say.
Actually, I'm feeling
a little awkward myself.
- This isn't going
- too well, is it?
- This is the first time
- since we've been going together
- That we've really talked,
- and...
- We don't have anything
- to talk about.
And I hate to say this, but
- you think maybe
- we're not as perfect
For each other as we thought?
Tia! I can't hear you!
But if you can hear me,
tell Elliot that he's smart,
and cool, and funny, nice...
It's much too fast! Slow down!
I was going to say
the same thing.
We do need to slow down.
Tia.
- Maybe we were more
- comfortable with each other
- -when we were just...
- -Friends?
Yeah...
I guess you're right.
And... I didn't need
to work so hard
- trying to create
- the perfect man.
Because...
You were already perfect.
- I just wish I'd have
- figured that out sooner.
- -Tia.
- -Shh!
Oh, my gosh.
She's crazy about you.
Who's crazy?
Besides you?
Elliot.
- How do you feel
- about my sister?
Oh.
- Now we've got something
- to talk about.
- I didn't know how
- to tell you before,
But are you familiar
with piedmont's theory
of inverse disproportional
polarity among orbiting bodies?
Uh... no.
Well. Let me put it simply.
Girlfriend's got it going on.
Hold that thought.
And then there's
the cute way your eyes cross,
- when you take off
- your glasses...
Tamera?
Tia! What are you doing here?
Who's talking to Elliot?
You are.
Tamera, why didn't you
tell me you liked him?
Tia, I couldn't do that to you.
I mean, you finally
found the perfect guy.
- Oh, he's the perfect guy,
- all right.
For you.
What?
But Tia, you...
- So, why don't you
- go tell him so?
He's waiting.
Thanks.
- I don't understand why you
- gave up your business, Lisa.
- Your doghouse of style
- was going through the...
Roof!
- Don't make me tie you up
- outside, ray.
I told you, I quit to spend
more time with my child.
Look. I proved that I could be
a successful businesswoman.
- And if I could start
- one career from scratch,
- -i can start another one.
- -Speaking of scratch.
- We're leaving now.
- I just set this flea bomb.
- Come on.
- I'm taking you to dinner.
- Lisa, I have forgiven you
- for cutting up my curtains.
- I'm not mad anymore.
- You don't have to do this.
Oh, yes, I do.
Eh... believe me, I do.
I knew she'd realize
she was tired of him,
and know I loved her...
- If I could say
- this line right...
- I knew you were
- going to do that.
- I could pull it if I could
- say this line right...
Man: Five, four, three, two.