Sister, Sister (1994–1999): Season 2, Episode 18 - Single White Teenager - full transcript

- My throat's
- killing me,

I'm nauseous,

and my head is pounding.

- You get all
- the breaks.

You better go.

Remember how you hated

those salmon croquettes

last night?

Well...

- You're really gonna
- hate them in a second.

- It's gonna be weird
- going to school by myself.



Who's gonna walk with me?

Have lunch with me?

Laugh at my jokes?

I never laugh at your jokes.

I hear somebody laughing.

It's you.

Oh, yeah. I'm funny.

Honey, I got breakfast.

I made you

some nice tea and toast,

and I even heated up

those salmon croquettes.

Here's a bell

so you can ring me



if you need anything.

Mom, this bell

doesn't ring.

- Oh, yeah, I took out
- the ringy thingy

- Last week when
- ray was sick.

He was working it

like he was quasimodo.

Mom, no offense,

but can you

get out of here?

Tia, I'm going to keep

bugging you till you eat.

Now, you know what

they say: Feed a fever.

Lisa, do you have a fever?

Preventive medicine.

♪ Talk about

a two-way twister ♪

♪ shakin' up the family tree

with sibling synchronicity ♪

♪ never knew

how much I missed you ♪

♪ I ain't ever gonna

let... you... go ♪

Today is the day

we've all been waiting for.

It's time

to dissect our frogs.

Please don't hate me.

Um,

- sorry I'm late,
- but there was this girl

- In the bathroom
- giving birth.

I had to midwife.

Denise, take a seat.

- You can
- be my partner.

- Tia's out sick.
- Great.

What a cute frog.

- Hey, froggy,
- froggy, froggy.

- Don't get
- too attached.

Marvel, and listen

to the heartbeat.

Ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom.

She's bizarre,

bizarre, bizarre.

- See, my jokes
- are funny.

Ooh.

I can't do this.

You do it.

No, you do it.

I can't hurt kermie.

You've named him?

Now we're never gonna

be able to kill him.

The spinal cord

should now be exposed.

I don't want to see his cord.

- What are we
- gonna do?

There's

an open window.

- Do you think
- we should?

- We definitely
- should.

Shh.

- Go, froggy,
- froggy, froggy.

Jump to freedom.

Jump.

- We did it,
- we did it.

Yeah.

- Too bad we're
- on the third floor.

No, look, he's okay.

- He landed
- on that cheerleader.

- Good thing
- she stuffs.

Girls...

- What happened
- to your project?

He went out there.

- You're telling me
- a perfectly good frog

Just jumped out the window?

To tell you the truth,

he was really depressed.

- Ray.
- Hmm?

Ray, you know

our new neighbors

down the street?

Oh, yes, the hubbles.

I know those old bags.

- They never mow their lawn,
- and they always keep

- That junky car
- parked right out front.

Slobs.

They were just

robbed blind.

- Those poor,
- sweet people.

They took everything.

- They even stole their
- washing machine

- In the middle
- of the spin cycle.

- Got all
- their underwear.

- Sounds like
- professionals.

Oh, ray,

those dear old people

are running around

with their tired,

hanging flesh.

- Please, don't tell me
- any more.

Ray, it's winter.

Lisa!

Think

of the chafing.

Hey, dad, Lisa.

Hi.

- How's Tia?
- Not too good.

- She couldn't keep
- anything down all day.

Oh, that's too bad.

You want a snack?

- I'm not
- very hungry.

I'm starving.

- Yeah,
- I'm starving, too.

- You want to go
- to the kitchen?

- Yeah, let's go
- in the kitchen.

I think tamera's

picked up a stray.

All this robbery stuff

is making me nervous.

What if something happens?

Who'll protect me

and the girls?

Hey, I'm here.

I'm getting some barbed

wire and a bazooka.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

- I've never been to
- a neighborhood watch meeting

So tastefully done.

- Well, we try. - See you later,
- Neighbor.

I don't live around. I just

came for the free cookies.

Been there.

Bye-bye.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye, Marge.

- Oh, Marge, Marge,
- by the way,

- That new robe
- you've been wearing

To pick up

your morning papers...

Much better.

- I don't even see
- the veins.

Take care.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Enjoyed it.

Bye-bye.

- Bye-bye.
- Toodle-oo.

Bye.

What a pathetic bunch of...

- Neighbors, would you like
- a cup of coffee?

Well, i'd...

I'd love some.

Even though it does

give me the runs.

Ooh.

Fresh out, all out.

I still can't believe

that we were robbed.

All I can say

is thank goodness

that you weren't hurt

- and that you still have
- your health, huh?

Well, that is true.

- You're safe.
- They could've walked in on you,

Hit your head with a shovel,

and thrown you in a trunk.

- But it's over
- and done with,

- So there's nothing
- to worry about.

- Oh, yeah, there's nothing
- to worry about.

Of course, there was that case

on unsolved mysteries

- where they made copies
- of the keys.

They came back,

- chopped them
- into 1,000 pieces,

Wrapped them in cellophane,

gave them out as candy

on Halloween.

Well, it's been fun.

Thanks, uh...

Thanks so much.

- You've been
- such a comfort.

Ooh.

You have a such

a lovely house.

Thank you.

We used to have

a lovely house.

Until they took

everything.

- Uh, I better
- get that door.

They... they even took

our clapper.

Now when

we do this...

We just get

on each other's nerves.

So, we all made

some new friends.

And I was having a great time

hanging with Denise.

And poor Tia was still

fighting off that nasty bug.

Roger, leave

me alone!

I just want to take

your temperature.

I really missed Tia,

but Denise and I

had some great

philosophical conversations.

Not only were we both deep,

we were both

really into sports.

- I guess I should have spent
- more time with Tia,

But what could I do,

watch her sleep?

Well, eventually,

Tia got better.

I'm back, and I'm bad!

- Tia, when we
- get to school,

- Please don't
- talk that way.

- Oh, come on, I know
- you missed me.

- Okay, okay,
- I missed you,

- But at least
- I had Denise.

- You know what,
- we have so much

In common that

it's almost scary.

Hi.

Now, that's scary.

Well, what do you

think of my hair?

We love it.

We have it.

So, Tia, you're better.

I guess we can all walk

to school together.

- Uh, yeah,
- that would be fine.

- You sure?
- 'Cause you know what they say.

Two's company, three's...

Triplets?

- Girls, you want
- a ride to the...

Whoa-oh-oh.

What is this, invasion

of the body snatchers?

- Morning, Tia.
- Morning, honey.

Honey, that's...

That's not my honey.

That's...

I get it.

This is a joke.

You're so funny, Denise.

Oh, yeah.

A joke.

From now on, I'm going

by my middle name...

Tanya.

Isn't that cool?

Tia, tamera, Tanya.

Wait a minute.

We're still

lab partners, right?

Well, I'm sorry,

but, you know,

now Tia's back,

I thought she'd be

my lab partner again.

Well, where will I go?

School psychologist.

Tia.

- Well, I thought
- you'd go back

- With your old
- partner, Marcie.

But I don't look anything

like Marcie.

- Class, we're going
- to be looking

At some very exciting film

- on the reproductive
- habits...

of fungus.

So, what are we doing

after school today?

- Well, we were just
- gonna hang out

- At the house.
- Great, I'm there.

No.

We meant the house

next door.

Great, I'm there.

Well, they really

don't like strangers.

Great.

I'm not strange.

Now, this fungus takes on

the appearance of the host

and slowly expands until it

completely engulfs

every square inch.

This is so fun.

This is so bizarre.

I'm telling you, she

was following us all day.

Tia, you're

getting paranoid.

She's not that bad.

Hi, it's me.

Just wanted to see

if you were home yet.

Call me.

See?

Friendly.

Normal.

- What happened to you guys?
- Are you dead?

Where are you?

Don't make me hunt you down.

Call me.

Hey, girls.

Uh, Tanya called.

- She wanted to know
- when you were getting home.

I told her, if she really

wanted to be a sister,

she should change

her name to latanya.

- Mom, what are we
- gonna do?

She's so desperate

and needy.

- Maybe you just have
- to introduce her to somebody

Who is as desperate

and needy as she is.

Hi, girls.

- Roger!
- Roger!

Ah, hearing my name on the tip

of your lovely tongues

is music to my lonely ears.

Roger, we have

a proposition for you.

Don't mess with my head, girls.

No! We want to set

you up with a friend.

Oh, no!

- A friend always means
- that they're a bow-wow

- That can't get a date
- to save their pathetic lives.

All right, forget it.

No, no. I'm very interested.

Hi, guys.

- What happened
- to your face?

- I went
- to a tanning booth.

Ooh, triplets.

This could kill a lesser man.

Roger, this is

our friend Tanya.

- Did anyone
- ever tell you

- You look like that little
- frumpy girl, Denise?

This is Denise.

Did I say frumpy?

I meant lumpy. I mean...

Go home, Roger!

- Hey, I'll see you guys
- at lunch.

- She's out
- of control.

- Yeah, no one says "go
- home, Roger," except for us.

Yeah, I'm your love slave

and no one else's.

Go home, Roger!

Ooh!

- That crazy girl's gonna
- get you!

- You know, I was born
- to be a neighborhood watcher.

I like to watch people, ray.

What are you doing?

I'm watching you.

Ooh, it's a flea circus

in there, ray.

Why did I let you

talk me into this?

Oh, come on, admit it.

It feels good doing

our civic duty.

You know, I once thought

of becoming a cop.

Well, I see you got

the doughnut-eating part down.

Ray!

That house over there!

I think I saw a light.

- I think someone's
- prowling around in there.

Ray? Ray, are you

hyperventilating?

No... no... no.

Did I say no?

Ray, breathe. Breathe!

Ooh! Ooh!

Breathe!

- (Inhales and
- exhales loudly)

- There's a possible
- 2-11 in progress.

- I've been dying
- to say that.

- Come on, pull over!
- Where's my pepper gas?

- We're not prepared
- to make an arrest!

Oh, you're right, ray.

Ooh!

- Hang on to your apple fritters!
- We're going in!

We shouldn't be doing this.

- Oh, just stand
- behind me.

- Well, what if
- somebody has a gun?

Oh. Just stand in front of me.

There's nothing going.

There's not even

anyone in there.

Freeze!

Oh, hi, guys.

Nice of you to show up.

I said freeze!

- Officer, we can
- explain everything.

Put your hands up

over your heads.

Okay, here we go.

- Huh? All right, but I haven't
- shaved in three weeks.

Just go down, girls.

Denise has

a little surprise...

Why are we doing this?

- Because we have
- to tell her to chill out.

Ooh!

But I hate basements!

- Why do we have
- to go in a basement?

- Yeah. Bodies are always
- buried in basements.

- I hope they
- Bury us together.

Will you shut up?

Denise?

Hey, it's like

a family room.

For a living family.

You know,

- what are we getting ourselves
- all worked up for?

- Yeah, Denise
- is our friend.

Our very

psychotic friend.

You know, I bet she wants

to get rid of one of us.

Yeah, so she can take

over as the other twin.

Surprise!

- Take her!
- No!

- You don't want
- a brownie?

- You've got
- a knife!

- Yeah, to cut
- the brownies.

Why are you

acting so crazy?

Crazy?

You think I'm crazy?

Our pictures are

all over your wall.

You have pictures of

your friends in your lockers.

What's the difference?

Well, uh...

- Well, why are you trying
- to look like us?

Huh? Answer that.

'Cause I like the way you look.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah, but...

Who changes their name?

Yeah, Tanya.

It was a stupid joke.

Tamera makes stupid jokes

all the time.

You laughed

at my jokes.

I felt bad for you.

I don't have many friends

and I really hate

being an only child.

I just thought maybe

I'd found someone.

Denise...

- No, I was good enough
- to be your friend

- When Tia was sick,
- and then you just dumped me.

Oh, come on!

Just get out of here!

Oh, man,

we really messed up.

Does that mean

we don't get a brownie?

Get out!

I can't believe

we spent two hours

at that police station.

Yeah. They threw me in a tank

with a bunch of working girls.

And I ain't talking

about no meter maids.

- Lisa,
- watch out!

Floyd?

Hi. The missus was out,

and I didn't want

to be home alone.

And-and your door was open,

so I just came in.

I'm sorry to bother you.

Oh, no.

No, wait a minute.

- I'll put on a pot of tea. - You just relax.
- Oh.

Floyd, you old fool!

You forgot

the laser disc player!

Back so soon!

Oh, well, this is rich.

We're being robbed

by the keebler elves.

Oh. Wait a minute!

Wait a minute!

You come back here!

- Come here.
- Come back here!

- I've got
- my pepper gas!

Give me your hand!

Give me a hand!

Ray, up in there.

- Give me your hand.
- Ray!

- No, not with
- the pepper gas!

- Not with
- the pepper gas!

Mom, you really don't have

to stay here.

Well, after that robbery,

I just was making sure

you're safe and sound.

You're gonna protect us

with a Turkey leg?

Hey, it's a weapon and a snack.

Come on, just-just go to sleep.

Mom...

we did something

really creepy today.

We hurt Denise's feelings.

I'm sure it wasn't that bad.

Well, we kind of called her

a dangerous psychopath

with homicidal tendencies.

Hey, I've been called worse.

Mom, what are we gonna do?

Well, I remember

this one friend of mine.

She dressed like me,

looked like me,

talked like me,

and acted like me.

What happened?

I realized I was drunk

in some ladies room,

and I was looking

in the mirror.

Mom, what's the point?

Apologize to Denise.

Everybody messes up.

- When somebody's
- desperate and needy like that,

It can scare you,

and you end up saying things

you don't mean.

Now, I better go downstairs

and do a little security check

in the living room

and in the kitchen.

- You need mustard,
- don't you?

Mm-hmm! This is very dry.

Say something to her.

- I don't know
- what to say.

- Well, say something
- really meaningful to show

That we're sorry

and that we really care.

Hey.

That was beautiful.

- Tamera & Denise:
- Kermie's back!

Kermie?

An old friend of ours.

How did he find his way

back home?

- Well, he's just
- like Lassie.

Except he's green

and eats flies.

There's miss cutler!

- Hurry up.
- Hide him.

Well, I better get

back to my seat.

Wait!

Denise, you know,

when you think about it,

we're kind of like a frog.

- I mean, he has only two lungs,
- and they're identical...

Tia, I hope you know where

you're going with this,

- because I don't
- have a clue.

- Well, the lungs
- are like tamera and me.

- And maybe
- you can't be a lung,

- But you could be
- something else real important.

Like a liver

or a spleen.

Let me get this straight.

You thought I was crazy?

Oh, my hat!

And now back

to the front.

That's them, officer.

They are the perpetrators.

Duh, ray.

Yeah. Look at those

little beady eyes,

that sloping forehead,

those cheesy clothes.

- Wait a minute.
- That's my shirt!

Louie?

Louie luabonos,

is that you?

Lisa? Is that you,

Lisa Landry?

¿Qué pasó, mami?

Hey, yeah,

it's me, Louie!

How you doing?

- Ooh, well, obviously
- not too good, huh, Louie?

- Ooh, ray, it's Louie
- from the old neighborhood.

Say hi.

I'm charmed, Louie.

Book 'em.

- And I hope
- this is the last time.

They come here often?

- Well, they fake
- their own robbery.

When people are

out on neighborhood watch,

they rip them off.

- You nasty
- old thieves!

Well, you're not gonna

be able to fake it

in the big house! Uh-uh!

Ma'am, the mic?

- Oh, you can kiss
- this mic good-bye.

And you are not gonna

get some cushy job

in the prison library.

I've got friends

on the inside.

Ma'am.

Big friends. Mean friends.

- Ugly friends.
- Lonely friends.

- Lisa, give him the mic!
- Give him...!

- They're gonna hook up
- that clapper to your basement.

Give him the mic!

Clap off!

Clap off! Clap off!

Oh, man, they stole

the coffee machine.

They even took the muffins!

Sorry, ray.

That was an inside job.

- Well, I still
- can't believe this.

Yeah, just when you thought

you knew somebody.

Who would have thought,

those old people.

No, ray, I'm not talking

about them.

I'm talking about you.

Me?

Mm-hmm.

I saw the way

you jumped in front of me.

- You were there for me, ray.
- I felt safe.

You were so brave.

And you weren't even

hyperventilating.

Man's got to do

what a man's got to do.

You had no regard

for your own personal safety.

Man's got to do

what a man's got to do.

I mean, could have had a gun

or a club or a butcher knife.

Butcher knife?

Yeah.

With that shaky hand, he could

have cut you over real good.

Oh, no.

Oh, my goodness!

Oh, ray.

Oh, come on, hold on.

Oh.

Ray, breathe, breathe.

(Breathing loudly,

(but slowly)

You feel better, ray?

My hero.