Sister, Sister (1994–1999): Season 2, Episode 16 - Smoking in the Girls' Room - full transcript
When Lisa uses the twins' new answering machine to monitor their activities, she discovers that they may have started smoking.
Girls!
You got a postcard from Marcie.
- She's having a great time
- in Hawaii.
She met a boy over poi.
Mom, you read our mail?
- Well, honey,
- it's just a postcard.
It's like skywriting;
it's for everybody.
Mom, you're always doing this.
- Come on, Lisa,
- this is our stuff.
Yeah.
- Okay, fine, fine,
- I'll just butt out.
- I'm butting out,
- butting out.
See? My butt... it's out.
- When you get
- to be our age,
One of the most important
things in life is privacy.
- I mean,
- it's all we have.
- Yeah, I mean,
- think about it.
We can't vote and we
don't own real estate.
We can't even get our ears
pierced without a signature.
So all we can hope for is
a little piece of privacy.
Not that we have
anything to hide.
- You guys, maybe
- we shouldn't be doing this.
Chill, Tia, you
always worry so much.
- Ah, first cigarette
- of the day.
Whoa!
- Here, you
- need a light.
Mmm! Tastes great.
Smooth.
People, get to class.
Hide!
Air!
All right, flush!
Okay, who's smoking?
- What is going on in there,
- young lady?
Cheerleading practice?
Rah?
♪ Talk about a
two-way twister ♪
♪ shakin' up the family tree
with sibling synchronicity ♪
- ♪ never knew
- how much I missed you ♪
♪ I ain't ever gonna
let... you... go ♪
Yeah, I know, Sarah.
- I mean, I can't believe
- we got detention.
I feel so dirty.
Tia, Tia, come on,
- we have more important things
- to talk about.
- Scott was checking
- me out today.
But detention was...
He was?
- He's cute.
- I know, he is
Too fine to define.
I know.
He's got a baby face,
but he is dangerous.
- I know, that's what's
- so hot about him.
- Uh-huh.
- Uh-huh.
- Uh-huh.
- Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
That's morse code for
"our parents are home."
Oh, don't feel bad, ray.
- They just don't want
- to talk in front of you.
Yeah, they're both here.
We got to go.
- I can't really
- talk now.
Who was that?
A friend.
Oh, well, please,
no more details.
My head is spinning.
- Don't you think you
- girls are spending
- Too much time
- on the phone?
- You know, dad,
- you're right.
- We shouldn't be tying up
- the line.
Well, that's right.
Well, maybe it'll be better
if you got your own line.
I got my own line.
You get your own line.
Okay.
Hey, we're getting our own line.
- Thanks, ray.
- Thanks, dad.
Collect call
for Mr. Ray Campbell.
Sucker.
Dad, come on,
what is taking so long?
- Ray, we're ready
- to go.
I'll be there
in just a minute.
Oh, no, someone's keying
Ray's beemer!
What?!
- My baby,
- somebody's keying my baby?
Oh, look!
Ray's ready.
Oh, very funny.
Come on, girls, let's go.
- Yeah, I want to get
- to circuit town
- Before all the
- phones are gone.
Girls, girls, girls.
Dad, dad, dad.
- Let me give you
- a little advice.
- When those salesmen see young,
- naive girls like you...
- They're gonna be like sharks
- in a feeding frenzy,
Like a lion stalking its prey,
like Lisa circling
fresh baked goods.
Just can't let that
beemer thing go, can you, ray?
- All I'm saying is: Listen
- to that little alarm clock
- That goes off
- in your head...
The one that says,
"walk away, walk away."
Okay, walk away ray,
- so what happened
- to the little alarm clock?
Uh... I bought one.
Well, we got our own phone...
A major step towards privacy.
Yep, and we had to find
the perfect message...
- Something that said
- we were cool,
- We were happening,
- we were...
Not home.
All right, here we go.
Hit it.
Hi, this is
Tia and tamera.
We're not home right now,
so please leave a message.
Bor-ing.
Yo, yo, yo.
♪ This is tamera
and the look-alike Tia ♪
♪ we're not home,
so leave a message-ia. ♪
Message-ia?
This is Forrest Gump.
Twins are like a
box of chocolates.
You never know which
one you're gonna get.
So please leave
a message.
Huh, huh?
Stupid is as stupid does.
Hi, this is the washing machine.
- The answering machine can't
- answer the phone right now.
That's not funny.
Hi, this is
Tia and tamera.
We're not home right now,
so please leave a message.
You know, Tia,
that's not so boring.
Yeah, I like it.
- Hey, that's our
- first phone call.
- Let's put it
- on speakerphone.
I bet it's Michael.
I bet it's Scott.
Hello.
Hi, girls, what's new?
- Okay, you need to hook up
- your d/a converter
Into your "optical in."
Right, "optical in" goes in.
- You have no idea
- what I'm talking about, do you?
Well, you see, my skills lie
more in the management area.
What does that mean?
- It means I'll give you
- five dollars an hour.
- And a promise to have
- the twins' hand in marriage?
- Forget it.
- How about a foot?
Roger...
- Well, I need to hook up your
- satellite cable on the roof.
Wait a minute.
- Isn't that kind
- of dangerous?
You know, Mr. Campbell,
- I haven't told
- a lot of people this,
But my nickname is spider-man.
That's funny, I thought
it was spider-head.
It's now six dollars an hour.
Oh, hey, ray.
Have you seen the girls?
- I was going to ask you
- the same thing.
Well, I called,
but all I got was their machine.
- It's like they're never
- around anymore.
- Hm. Remember when they
- needed us for everything?
- Oh, yeah, when Tia was
- little, she used to run to me
- With every kind of thing
- up her nose.
Buttons, Lima beans,
Barbie doll shoes.
She was a busy little girl.
Yeah.
- One time she even got
- an apple seed stuck up there.
- She was crying
- 'cause she thought
- An apple tree was gonna grow
- out her head.
- Oh, boy, I tell you, ray,
- I'd give anything
If she ran in here right now
with an apple seed
jammed up her nose.
You're hurting, Lisa,
and after that story,
so am I.
The house just
feels so empty.
- Lisa, you got
- to let the girls go.
I know, I know...
But I do miss having
the kids around.
Good?
But, you know, I guess
we'll always have Roger.
Yeah.
Roger's always
hanging around, isn't he?
It's so cool of your mom
to let us use her car.
- Well, I was supposed to
- take my little brother
- Over to soccer
- practice.
So where is he?
In the trunk.
- Johnny, will you
- shut up in there?!
- You guys, I'm getting dizzy
- and I feel kind of nauseous.
Great, that means that
you're doing it right.
Hey, look, there's a car
full of guys over there.
No, no, no, don't look.
They're looking at us.
- Oh, my gosh...
- Okay, guys,
- We're going to roll down
- our windows
And act very,
very cool.
- And Denise,
- do the best you can.
Okay, I'm gonna count
to three.
One, two, three!
Go, go, go, go.
- Oh... stamp out
- my cigarette!
- That wasn't cool,
- that wasn't cool!
- My car is
- on fire!
- My mom is just
- going to kill me!
I found it.
Oh, thanks.
- Okay, okay, they're
- catching up with us.
Just be cool.
Ooh, the driver's
really cute.
- Hey, she thinks
- you're cute.
No, I don't.
- She thinks
- you're ugly.
Speaking of ugly,
they're mooning us.
Ewwww...!
Ewwww...!
Girls, I got the laundry.
I'd slide it under the door,
but I don't want to get
splinters in your panties.
Girls?
I'm entering the inner sanctum.
Lisa, invading the
young girls' privacy
is not conducive
to good parenting.
Listen, girl,
whatever they do in the dark
- has got to come out
- in the light.
Am I lying?
Lisa, remember
when you were their age
and your mother spied on you?
Yeah, that was bad.
- Remember what you were doing
- to make your mama spy?
Yeah, that was good!
Oh, I mean, that was bad.
Lisa, you have
to trust them.
As far as you can throw 'em.
Push that button.
- Don't do
- it, Lisa.
They'll never know.
You'll know.
I got to know.
Hi, guys, this is Dee Dee.
- Meet us at the usual place
- at the library.
The library.
Hey, guys,
I'll see you at the library.
Ooh! And I got the cigarettes.
Wha...?
- cigarettes.
- Wha...?
Cigarettes.
Wha...?
Cigarettes.
Cigarettes?
I told you.
("Ride of the valkyries"
(playing)
Ray!
Ray!
Ray, where are you, ray?
Ray?!
Ray...!
Mr. Magoo,
we got trouble.
Tia and tamera are smoking!
Our kids?
No, ray, bébé's kids.
- I heard it on their
- phone machine.
I got it all on tape.
- What do you say - we go bust 'em?
- No, no, no!
- No, we can't! Then
- they'll know we were
- Sneaking around - in their room.
- We?!
Well, I told you, ray,
- and you didn't
- run to the cops,
- So that makes you
- more guilty than me.
- Well, what do you
- want me to do?
- I mean, just stand
- here while they,
- They go out and just
- poison their lungs?
- No, no, but they can't
- find out what I did.
It was dishonorable.
It was deceitful.
- Well, what do you
- want me to do, Lisa?
- Trick them into
- a confession.
That's them.
Just act like everything's
perfectly normal.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Lisa?
Oh, oh, yeah.
Oh, hi, girls.
How was your day?
- Fine.
- Good.
Well, mine was lousy.
My car broke down.
It was... smoking.
Yeah, maybe you
need a new...
Filter!
Yeah, maybe.
Well, I better get
my butt moving
and get started on dinner.
We're having
a nice, smoked salmon.
Mom, I don't think
- you're gonna
- wanna hear this.
Oh, honey!
I'm open to anything
you want to tell me.
A starving polar bear
wouldn't eat your salmon.
And she likes it
more than I do!
- You know, I'm going
- bowling tonight.
Maybe I'll hit
a lucky strike!
- Ray, ray, ray,
- it's over; It's over.
- I have been waiting
- my entire life
To be this cool.
You know, guys,
- I hate to be the
- one to say this,
- But isn't this
- getting kind of gross?
Look, I know you guys
are gonna rag on me,
but I've gotta be honest.
We stink!
- I know I'm not
- the only one who feels this way.
You know...
My clothes do reek.
My hair does, too.
Yeah, and when my
boyfriend kisses me,
- it's like he's
- licking an ashtray.
You don't have a boyfriend!
I'm thinking ahead.
Hey, come on, we're
having fun here.
Do you know it causes
cancer, emphysema,
heart disease and wrinkles.
Wr-wrinkles?
You know, forget this.
Me, too.
- I have been waiting my
- whole life to be this mature.
You know, guys,
I feel good.
I feel responsible.
So, what are
we gonna do now?
Let's go find those
guys who mooned us.
Yeah!
The coast is clear.
Come on, ray, come on.
Lisa, this is like
sneaking into somebody's room.
Good, ray.
- We just need
- some hard evidence...
A stinky shirt, a cigarette
or two, we're home free.
Why don't you just tell them
you listened to their machine?
I can't do that, ray.
They'd never trust me again.
Lisa, I'm not gonna be
a party to this.
Ooh, a diary!
Ooh... ooh... ooh!
Wh-wh-what did it say?
Welcome to
the dark side, ray.
Geometry 101... phew!
Some pretty hot
triangles in there, ray.
Can we just hurry this up?
- Okay, well, you
- check the vanity,
I'll check the desk.
- Let's see, you got your
- lipstick, your eyeliner,
Your mascara, your powder...
- What do our girls
- really look like?
- Come on now, ray,
- we got to get going.
- Uh-oh.
- It's the girls.
Oh, oh, well, hide!
Wait a minute.
I'm not hiding.
We're the adults here.
They're coming up the stairs.
Run!
Look at this room.
Yeah, who cleaned it up?
They're not leaving.
Therefore, we're not leaving.
Therefore, I hate you.
Okay, admittedly,
ray, we're in a bind.
A bind?!
- This is the most
- embarrassing situation
I have ever been in
in my entire life.
- Ray, I think you're
- selling yourself short.
Mom?
Dad?
Hi.
Hi.
What are you doing?
- Girls, there's something
- we have to confess.
Yeah.
We're in love!
- What?!
- What?!
What?!
Excuse me.
- What are you guys doing
- in our closet?
- There's a perfectly logical
- explanation for this.
Yeah, you guys
are spying on us!
Let's not get emotional.
Let's talk calmly
and rationally.
I'm your mama.
- Are you trying
- to break my heart?
How could you smoke?
- Didn't we teach
- you anything?
You know about the smoking?
- I wasn't born yesterday,
- you know.
Hm, I'll say.
- Well, you see,
- Tia and I, we...
Wait a minute!
- How could you
- guys spy on us?
We weren't spying.
We were just watching you
- very, very closely
- from the closet.
- Forget it.
- We're going to Sarah's.
Oh, no, you're not.
Oh, yes, we are!
Oh, no, you not!
Oh, yes, we are!
Oh, no, you're not!
Fine, we're going to Denise's.
Oh, no, you're not.
Oh, yes, we are.
- As long as you
- live under my roof,
You live under my rules.
Actually, it's my roof.
- As long as you live
- under Ray's roof,
You live under my rules.
We're going to Dee Dee's.
Oh, no, you're not!
- It doesn't matter
- where we go.
- Anything's better
- than staying here.
I've got twin beds.
We're going to our room.
Oh, no, you're not!
- Ray, ray,
- we won this one.
That's true.
It's cold up there, ray.
They won't answer the door.
They won't eat my chicken,
- my meat loaf,
- my peach cobbler.
Lisa, those plates
are almost empty.
- Yeah, well, a girl
- burns a lot of calories
- Running up and down
- them stairs.
Well, the children of
the corn are back.
- You know, there's something
- wrong with my tweeter.
- Ray, our family
- is disintegrating,
And you're worried about
your stupid tweeters?
- Well, at least it's
- something I can fix.
- It was all right
- till Roger started
- Messing with these
- speaker wires back here.
Uh-oh.
Girls, girls,
you all right?
Just say something.
You shouldn't have
gone into our room.
Say something else.
- Well, you shouldn't
- have been smoking.
- And this is not the
- kind of conversation
- I want to have
- in the dark.
Ray, they got lighters!
They're professionals.
Aw, shoot!
Dang, it's hot! Ooh!
I guess they're
not professionals.
- Look, girls, I just don't
- want you to mess up your life.
Ow, ow!
- Lisa, please
- stop gesturing.
Mom, this is our life.
I want to be a part of it, okay?
I was there when you were
growing fruit out your nose.
Mom, I'm really
sorry about this.
You know, we quit
smoking on our own.
You did?!
Oh, that makes me so happy.
Mom, where are you?
Dad, I'm over here.
Ray, watch out for that...
Ow!
Table.
- What is this i'm
- holding onto?
Ray, that is not my elbow.
Ahh! Well,
we're all here.
("Take the 'a' train"
(resumes playing)
- You know, some things
- look better in the dark.
Roger?!
- I knew if I hung
- in there long enough,
I'd get some action.
Lisa...
Think of the cholesterol.
The fat grams.
The flavor!
Honey, that's gonna taste
so good going down.
Remember, a moment
on the lips,
a lifetime on the hips.
I'm hungry.
You got a postcard from Marcie.
- She's having a great time
- in Hawaii.
She met a boy over poi.
Mom, you read our mail?
- Well, honey,
- it's just a postcard.
It's like skywriting;
it's for everybody.
Mom, you're always doing this.
- Come on, Lisa,
- this is our stuff.
Yeah.
- Okay, fine, fine,
- I'll just butt out.
- I'm butting out,
- butting out.
See? My butt... it's out.
- When you get
- to be our age,
One of the most important
things in life is privacy.
- I mean,
- it's all we have.
- Yeah, I mean,
- think about it.
We can't vote and we
don't own real estate.
We can't even get our ears
pierced without a signature.
So all we can hope for is
a little piece of privacy.
Not that we have
anything to hide.
- You guys, maybe
- we shouldn't be doing this.
Chill, Tia, you
always worry so much.
- Ah, first cigarette
- of the day.
Whoa!
- Here, you
- need a light.
Mmm! Tastes great.
Smooth.
People, get to class.
Hide!
Air!
All right, flush!
Okay, who's smoking?
- What is going on in there,
- young lady?
Cheerleading practice?
Rah?
♪ Talk about a
two-way twister ♪
♪ shakin' up the family tree
with sibling synchronicity ♪
- ♪ never knew
- how much I missed you ♪
♪ I ain't ever gonna
let... you... go ♪
Yeah, I know, Sarah.
- I mean, I can't believe
- we got detention.
I feel so dirty.
Tia, Tia, come on,
- we have more important things
- to talk about.
- Scott was checking
- me out today.
But detention was...
He was?
- He's cute.
- I know, he is
Too fine to define.
I know.
He's got a baby face,
but he is dangerous.
- I know, that's what's
- so hot about him.
- Uh-huh.
- Uh-huh.
- Uh-huh.
- Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
That's morse code for
"our parents are home."
Oh, don't feel bad, ray.
- They just don't want
- to talk in front of you.
Yeah, they're both here.
We got to go.
- I can't really
- talk now.
Who was that?
A friend.
Oh, well, please,
no more details.
My head is spinning.
- Don't you think you
- girls are spending
- Too much time
- on the phone?
- You know, dad,
- you're right.
- We shouldn't be tying up
- the line.
Well, that's right.
Well, maybe it'll be better
if you got your own line.
I got my own line.
You get your own line.
Okay.
Hey, we're getting our own line.
- Thanks, ray.
- Thanks, dad.
Collect call
for Mr. Ray Campbell.
Sucker.
Dad, come on,
what is taking so long?
- Ray, we're ready
- to go.
I'll be there
in just a minute.
Oh, no, someone's keying
Ray's beemer!
What?!
- My baby,
- somebody's keying my baby?
Oh, look!
Ray's ready.
Oh, very funny.
Come on, girls, let's go.
- Yeah, I want to get
- to circuit town
- Before all the
- phones are gone.
Girls, girls, girls.
Dad, dad, dad.
- Let me give you
- a little advice.
- When those salesmen see young,
- naive girls like you...
- They're gonna be like sharks
- in a feeding frenzy,
Like a lion stalking its prey,
like Lisa circling
fresh baked goods.
Just can't let that
beemer thing go, can you, ray?
- All I'm saying is: Listen
- to that little alarm clock
- That goes off
- in your head...
The one that says,
"walk away, walk away."
Okay, walk away ray,
- so what happened
- to the little alarm clock?
Uh... I bought one.
Well, we got our own phone...
A major step towards privacy.
Yep, and we had to find
the perfect message...
- Something that said
- we were cool,
- We were happening,
- we were...
Not home.
All right, here we go.
Hit it.
Hi, this is
Tia and tamera.
We're not home right now,
so please leave a message.
Bor-ing.
Yo, yo, yo.
♪ This is tamera
and the look-alike Tia ♪
♪ we're not home,
so leave a message-ia. ♪
Message-ia?
This is Forrest Gump.
Twins are like a
box of chocolates.
You never know which
one you're gonna get.
So please leave
a message.
Huh, huh?
Stupid is as stupid does.
Hi, this is the washing machine.
- The answering machine can't
- answer the phone right now.
That's not funny.
Hi, this is
Tia and tamera.
We're not home right now,
so please leave a message.
You know, Tia,
that's not so boring.
Yeah, I like it.
- Hey, that's our
- first phone call.
- Let's put it
- on speakerphone.
I bet it's Michael.
I bet it's Scott.
Hello.
Hi, girls, what's new?
- Okay, you need to hook up
- your d/a converter
Into your "optical in."
Right, "optical in" goes in.
- You have no idea
- what I'm talking about, do you?
Well, you see, my skills lie
more in the management area.
What does that mean?
- It means I'll give you
- five dollars an hour.
- And a promise to have
- the twins' hand in marriage?
- Forget it.
- How about a foot?
Roger...
- Well, I need to hook up your
- satellite cable on the roof.
Wait a minute.
- Isn't that kind
- of dangerous?
You know, Mr. Campbell,
- I haven't told
- a lot of people this,
But my nickname is spider-man.
That's funny, I thought
it was spider-head.
It's now six dollars an hour.
Oh, hey, ray.
Have you seen the girls?
- I was going to ask you
- the same thing.
Well, I called,
but all I got was their machine.
- It's like they're never
- around anymore.
- Hm. Remember when they
- needed us for everything?
- Oh, yeah, when Tia was
- little, she used to run to me
- With every kind of thing
- up her nose.
Buttons, Lima beans,
Barbie doll shoes.
She was a busy little girl.
Yeah.
- One time she even got
- an apple seed stuck up there.
- She was crying
- 'cause she thought
- An apple tree was gonna grow
- out her head.
- Oh, boy, I tell you, ray,
- I'd give anything
If she ran in here right now
with an apple seed
jammed up her nose.
You're hurting, Lisa,
and after that story,
so am I.
The house just
feels so empty.
- Lisa, you got
- to let the girls go.
I know, I know...
But I do miss having
the kids around.
Good?
But, you know, I guess
we'll always have Roger.
Yeah.
Roger's always
hanging around, isn't he?
It's so cool of your mom
to let us use her car.
- Well, I was supposed to
- take my little brother
- Over to soccer
- practice.
So where is he?
In the trunk.
- Johnny, will you
- shut up in there?!
- You guys, I'm getting dizzy
- and I feel kind of nauseous.
Great, that means that
you're doing it right.
Hey, look, there's a car
full of guys over there.
No, no, no, don't look.
They're looking at us.
- Oh, my gosh...
- Okay, guys,
- We're going to roll down
- our windows
And act very,
very cool.
- And Denise,
- do the best you can.
Okay, I'm gonna count
to three.
One, two, three!
Go, go, go, go.
- Oh... stamp out
- my cigarette!
- That wasn't cool,
- that wasn't cool!
- My car is
- on fire!
- My mom is just
- going to kill me!
I found it.
Oh, thanks.
- Okay, okay, they're
- catching up with us.
Just be cool.
Ooh, the driver's
really cute.
- Hey, she thinks
- you're cute.
No, I don't.
- She thinks
- you're ugly.
Speaking of ugly,
they're mooning us.
Ewwww...!
Ewwww...!
Girls, I got the laundry.
I'd slide it under the door,
but I don't want to get
splinters in your panties.
Girls?
I'm entering the inner sanctum.
Lisa, invading the
young girls' privacy
is not conducive
to good parenting.
Listen, girl,
whatever they do in the dark
- has got to come out
- in the light.
Am I lying?
Lisa, remember
when you were their age
and your mother spied on you?
Yeah, that was bad.
- Remember what you were doing
- to make your mama spy?
Yeah, that was good!
Oh, I mean, that was bad.
Lisa, you have
to trust them.
As far as you can throw 'em.
Push that button.
- Don't do
- it, Lisa.
They'll never know.
You'll know.
I got to know.
Hi, guys, this is Dee Dee.
- Meet us at the usual place
- at the library.
The library.
Hey, guys,
I'll see you at the library.
Ooh! And I got the cigarettes.
Wha...?
- cigarettes.
- Wha...?
Cigarettes.
Wha...?
Cigarettes.
Cigarettes?
I told you.
("Ride of the valkyries"
(playing)
Ray!
Ray!
Ray, where are you, ray?
Ray?!
Ray...!
Mr. Magoo,
we got trouble.
Tia and tamera are smoking!
Our kids?
No, ray, bébé's kids.
- I heard it on their
- phone machine.
I got it all on tape.
- What do you say - we go bust 'em?
- No, no, no!
- No, we can't! Then
- they'll know we were
- Sneaking around - in their room.
- We?!
Well, I told you, ray,
- and you didn't
- run to the cops,
- So that makes you
- more guilty than me.
- Well, what do you
- want me to do?
- I mean, just stand
- here while they,
- They go out and just
- poison their lungs?
- No, no, but they can't
- find out what I did.
It was dishonorable.
It was deceitful.
- Well, what do you
- want me to do, Lisa?
- Trick them into
- a confession.
That's them.
Just act like everything's
perfectly normal.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Lisa?
Oh, oh, yeah.
Oh, hi, girls.
How was your day?
- Fine.
- Good.
Well, mine was lousy.
My car broke down.
It was... smoking.
Yeah, maybe you
need a new...
Filter!
Yeah, maybe.
Well, I better get
my butt moving
and get started on dinner.
We're having
a nice, smoked salmon.
Mom, I don't think
- you're gonna
- wanna hear this.
Oh, honey!
I'm open to anything
you want to tell me.
A starving polar bear
wouldn't eat your salmon.
And she likes it
more than I do!
- You know, I'm going
- bowling tonight.
Maybe I'll hit
a lucky strike!
- Ray, ray, ray,
- it's over; It's over.
- I have been waiting
- my entire life
To be this cool.
You know, guys,
- I hate to be the
- one to say this,
- But isn't this
- getting kind of gross?
Look, I know you guys
are gonna rag on me,
but I've gotta be honest.
We stink!
- I know I'm not
- the only one who feels this way.
You know...
My clothes do reek.
My hair does, too.
Yeah, and when my
boyfriend kisses me,
- it's like he's
- licking an ashtray.
You don't have a boyfriend!
I'm thinking ahead.
Hey, come on, we're
having fun here.
Do you know it causes
cancer, emphysema,
heart disease and wrinkles.
Wr-wrinkles?
You know, forget this.
Me, too.
- I have been waiting my
- whole life to be this mature.
You know, guys,
I feel good.
I feel responsible.
So, what are
we gonna do now?
Let's go find those
guys who mooned us.
Yeah!
The coast is clear.
Come on, ray, come on.
Lisa, this is like
sneaking into somebody's room.
Good, ray.
- We just need
- some hard evidence...
A stinky shirt, a cigarette
or two, we're home free.
Why don't you just tell them
you listened to their machine?
I can't do that, ray.
They'd never trust me again.
Lisa, I'm not gonna be
a party to this.
Ooh, a diary!
Ooh... ooh... ooh!
Wh-wh-what did it say?
Welcome to
the dark side, ray.
Geometry 101... phew!
Some pretty hot
triangles in there, ray.
Can we just hurry this up?
- Okay, well, you
- check the vanity,
I'll check the desk.
- Let's see, you got your
- lipstick, your eyeliner,
Your mascara, your powder...
- What do our girls
- really look like?
- Come on now, ray,
- we got to get going.
- Uh-oh.
- It's the girls.
Oh, oh, well, hide!
Wait a minute.
I'm not hiding.
We're the adults here.
They're coming up the stairs.
Run!
Look at this room.
Yeah, who cleaned it up?
They're not leaving.
Therefore, we're not leaving.
Therefore, I hate you.
Okay, admittedly,
ray, we're in a bind.
A bind?!
- This is the most
- embarrassing situation
I have ever been in
in my entire life.
- Ray, I think you're
- selling yourself short.
Mom?
Dad?
Hi.
Hi.
What are you doing?
- Girls, there's something
- we have to confess.
Yeah.
We're in love!
- What?!
- What?!
What?!
Excuse me.
- What are you guys doing
- in our closet?
- There's a perfectly logical
- explanation for this.
Yeah, you guys
are spying on us!
Let's not get emotional.
Let's talk calmly
and rationally.
I'm your mama.
- Are you trying
- to break my heart?
How could you smoke?
- Didn't we teach
- you anything?
You know about the smoking?
- I wasn't born yesterday,
- you know.
Hm, I'll say.
- Well, you see,
- Tia and I, we...
Wait a minute!
- How could you
- guys spy on us?
We weren't spying.
We were just watching you
- very, very closely
- from the closet.
- Forget it.
- We're going to Sarah's.
Oh, no, you're not.
Oh, yes, we are!
Oh, no, you not!
Oh, yes, we are!
Oh, no, you're not!
Fine, we're going to Denise's.
Oh, no, you're not.
Oh, yes, we are.
- As long as you
- live under my roof,
You live under my rules.
Actually, it's my roof.
- As long as you live
- under Ray's roof,
You live under my rules.
We're going to Dee Dee's.
Oh, no, you're not!
- It doesn't matter
- where we go.
- Anything's better
- than staying here.
I've got twin beds.
We're going to our room.
Oh, no, you're not!
- Ray, ray,
- we won this one.
That's true.
It's cold up there, ray.
They won't answer the door.
They won't eat my chicken,
- my meat loaf,
- my peach cobbler.
Lisa, those plates
are almost empty.
- Yeah, well, a girl
- burns a lot of calories
- Running up and down
- them stairs.
Well, the children of
the corn are back.
- You know, there's something
- wrong with my tweeter.
- Ray, our family
- is disintegrating,
And you're worried about
your stupid tweeters?
- Well, at least it's
- something I can fix.
- It was all right
- till Roger started
- Messing with these
- speaker wires back here.
Uh-oh.
Girls, girls,
you all right?
Just say something.
You shouldn't have
gone into our room.
Say something else.
- Well, you shouldn't
- have been smoking.
- And this is not the
- kind of conversation
- I want to have
- in the dark.
Ray, they got lighters!
They're professionals.
Aw, shoot!
Dang, it's hot! Ooh!
I guess they're
not professionals.
- Look, girls, I just don't
- want you to mess up your life.
Ow, ow!
- Lisa, please
- stop gesturing.
Mom, this is our life.
I want to be a part of it, okay?
I was there when you were
growing fruit out your nose.
Mom, I'm really
sorry about this.
You know, we quit
smoking on our own.
You did?!
Oh, that makes me so happy.
Mom, where are you?
Dad, I'm over here.
Ray, watch out for that...
Ow!
Table.
- What is this i'm
- holding onto?
Ray, that is not my elbow.
Ahh! Well,
we're all here.
("Take the 'a' train"
(resumes playing)
- You know, some things
- look better in the dark.
Roger?!
- I knew if I hung
- in there long enough,
I'd get some action.
Lisa...
Think of the cholesterol.
The fat grams.
The flavor!
Honey, that's gonna taste
so good going down.
Remember, a moment
on the lips,
a lifetime on the hips.
I'm hungry.