Sirens (2014–2015): Season 1, Episode 3 - Rachel McAdams Topless - full transcript
A patient pleads with the guys to back to his house and "clear history" on his computer. After stumbling across a troubling image on the computer the guys can't get it out of their heads.
Male announcer:
as for Jay Cutler's knee,
The MRI came back clear.
Good news for the bears,
As he's expected
to play this Sunday
Against Drew Brees
and the red-Hot saints.
Cutler says he feels good.
The knee's not giving him
any problems...
- Any word on Jay Cutler?
- Pump says he's a go.
Guess I should be glad
they don't have porn
On gas pump TV.
Or we'd be here all afternoon.
Let me tell you something
about me, honey.
The day that we
as a civilization
Get to the point
Where we're broadcasting
pornography
From televisions
attached to gas pumps
Is the day I start working
at a gas station.
How much porn
are you watching these days?
You mean, since we've been
on break?
- Yeah.
- Why do you ask?
Well, when my brother Donal
and his girlfriend broke up,
He was watching it all the time.
Did I tell you
that I walked in
On him and his laptop
in my parents' bathroom
Last Christmas?
Twice.
Donal's a moron.
I'm not Donal.
And you know what?
And this is the truth here.
- Yeah?
- Kinda stopped watching it.
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.
I lost all interest
in other girls. Completely.
And porn. First time
it's ever happened to me.
- I am so flattered.
- Babe, this is huge.
Most guys,
They get out
of a long-Term relationship,
Their porn addiction
goes through the roof.
Me, I went the other way.
- You had an addiction?
- What?
- You used the word "addiction."
- Yeah. About Donal. Not me.
I stopped. Cold turkey.
Uh, that didn't come out right.
- No, it didn't.
- What about you, smarty pants?
- What about me?
You watch any porn?
Come on.
You know what porn is to me.
It's real estate,
shoes, and guns.
If I could find a magazine
With glossy pictures
of all three...
That'd really get me off.
What?
- I'm thinkin'.
- What about?
- Starting a magazine.
- Oh, my god.
Sucker-punched
by the clock
Buckled to the knees
Checker cab curled
around the side of a tree
Into the growl of the city
with a deafening cry
Again I ride
- Ah, sh...
- What?
My sister Maeve's
stupid book club
Is tomorrow night.
We're reading gone girl,
and I haven't finished it yet.
And then Billy sat on my iPad,
Which had my copy
of gone girl on it.
Well, here you go,
use mine.
- Really?
- Sure.
- Thanks.
- No problem.
Password is "ditka."
- 'Course it is.
looks great.
- Thanks.
- Whole place looks great.
- Yeah. New place, new start.
Oh, my god, I wanted you
to have my spare key.
- Oh, okay.
- For emergencies.
I don't want you to
just walk in here unannounced.
- I won't.
- 'Cause you never know.
Never know what?
- Who might be here?
- Who are you expecting?
Technically, we are both
still free to date.
Hey, I gave up porn for you,
remember?
I'm late. Meeting
the girls for lunch.
You gotta go.
Just for the record,
You're not allowed
to just drop by my place
Unannounced either.
Oh, in case I walk in
on you and ditka?
Oh, my god,
if that ever happens,
Just start taking tons
of pictures, okay?
- Go.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- How's he doin'?
- He's conscious.
- Blood sugar's at 30.
- Give him one ep of d-50.
- You're gonna be all right.
They got
the good doctors on today.
I-I need you
to do something for me.
- Sure, bro. Call your wife?
- No, no, no, no.
No, I need you to go back
to my apartment,
Clear the history
on my computer,
And then call my wife.
- Seriously?
- Please! Please!
Yeah, okay.
Okay.
So what do you guys think it is?
Like some surprise
birthday thing for the wife?
Or...Oh, my god.
You think he's having an affair?
- Yeah, with online porn.
- Really?
- It's always about porn, bro.
Why else would a guy
that was on his deathbed
Ask three strangers
to go to his house
And erase his computer history?
Or maybe he's a terrorist.
Oh, my god!
What if it's some kind
of terrorist plot?
Maybe we should call the FBI.
Or the NSA.
You know what
the NSA considers
The first significant sign
that you're part
Of a terrorist plot?
If you don't have porn
on your computer.
Well, then they're coming
after me, I guess.
- You don't watch it?
Not any more, no.
I stopped.
I found that free online porn
Was becoming a cancer
in this country.
The young men in my generation,
in particular,
Were beginning to get
unrealistic expectations
About both women's bodies
and sexual activity.
I think it may have scarred
an entire generation of men.
So I decided to stop.
And begin the healing process.
- Holy sh...
Exactly how much time
did you spend beating off?
- Um...
Oh, there it is.
- Let's just hit clear history,
Erase his crap,
and get the hell out of here.
- Even though he's a PC guy.
- My father's a PC guy, so...
I can handle this.
Just, uh, two clicks,
And easy peasy.
Here we go.
- Yeah, see? Told you.
Okay, okay,
you guys were right.
I think we all know
where this is going.
Now here comes the...
all: oh!
What is that?
- It's loud!
- It's so loud!
Turn it off!
- End it!
- I don't blame you.
I blame society.
And that damn internet.
Hold on.
I got somethin'
might help you out.
You think he has
a special pill
Or a potion or something?
- Brian, he's not oz.
- He's very wise.
I think I may have
to give up porn.
Now, everybody,
just let's not panic, okay?
It was a horse.
Having an orgasm.
It's not the end of the world.
Aah, maybe it is the end
of the world.
I can't stop seeing it.
Did anyone else notice
how blue the horse's eyes were?
- What?
- Just trying to help.
Whenever
i find myself engulfed
In bothersome thoughts,
I sit down and have me
some pure heaven on earth.
Go ahead, take a bite.
I saw a lot of bad sh...
In Vietnam.
But it's what I expected.
War. And all its ugly parts.
But one time,
on this job...
I done what you fools did.
I stuck my nose in some place
where it didn't belong.
See, everybody's got a secret.
So when you go
in someone's home on a call,
You wanna do
what you're supposed to do.
Save their ass,
and get 'em in the rig.
How's the candy?
- Delicious.
Anyway, so one time
I'm saving this woman
Called in a heart attack.
She's laying
on her apartment floor,
And once I get her
on the stretcher,
I thought I heard a noise
coming from her closet.
She's like, "no, it's okay.
It's just my cat."
But it didn't sound
like no cat.
It sounded big.
Real big.
My curiosity got the best of me.
And I opened up that door.
And what I saw
Erased all four
of those horrible years
I served in Vietnam.
Was it a mokave king
puma cat?
They're
the largest domestic breed.
- No.
- It was a 350-Pound man.
Naked.
In a diaper.
Not in a diaper 'cause he had
intestinal issues.
In a diaper
because he wanted to be a baby.
Again!
Still thinking about horses?
All: no.
I'm thinking about
the world's largest case
Of diaper rash.
- See? It worked.
The key to this business
is minding your business.
And keeping your minds
out of the gutter.
'Cause what you put in your head
Will stay in your head,
mousse.
- Why are you busting on me?
How many times
i catch you
Looking at that filth
on your phone, boy?
- Yeah, man, what's the point?
- It's like porn on a thimble.
Do you ever clear the history
on that thing?
- Why?
In case somebody takes
a look at it.
I don't watch filth
on that thing anymore.
I mostly use my iPad.
Why would you want
to watch porn on an iPad?
Well, first of all,
the resolution is amazing.
And second, it's bigger...
Oh, my god!
Theresa has my iPad!
- So? She knows you watch porn.
- I told her I stopped.
Why would you do that?
That's idiotic.
- How long have you known me?
Good point. Surprised
it didn't happen sooner.
How much time we lookin' at?
She's having lunch
with the girls and her sister.
So we have a bit of a window.
- Which sister?
- Maeve.
Oh, that's
a pretty big window.
Let's go.
- Okay.
Did the giant baby
have a giant rattle?
- Brian!
- Let's go!
- I don't get the whole
Mayonnaise-On-French-Fry
thing.
Mm-Mm. No.
- It's European.
They do it all over Europe.
it doesn't make you look classy.
It's mayonnaise.
- It's so chic.
- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.
You know what else
Europeans do that's creepy?
They drink soda warm.
- I love warm soda.
- Since when?
Since forever.
- Are you okay there, stats?
I can't find a bra
that fits me right.
You guys are pretty well set up.
How'd you do that?
Lift yourself up, and then
put yourself in the cup.
Size up, size down,
it's not that difficult.
not squashed. Lift it.
- You know what?
We will all take you shopping
after lunch.
- They love boobs in Europe.
- Awesome.
Whoo-Hoo! Huh?
- It's 12:30.
Let's get the hell in there,
get this thing,
And get out.
I'm just so thankful
for cash telling us that story.
Really cleared my head.
How big do you think
that diaper was?
- Hey, your shoe's untied.
- Whup? Shoelace situation.
hey, guys.
How's it going?
Hey, jimmy.
You got transferred to mounted.
No, no, requested it,
you know?
Chicks dig horses.
So I hear.
You wouldn't believe the pussy
a horse can pull.
- Oh, yeah, I would.
You gotta see the cock
on this thing.
It's like
four Louisville sluggers
All duct-Taped together.
You guys got a couple minutes?
'Cause usually if you just
stand still long enough,
It'll just get a random hard on.
Actually, we're
in a bit of a rush.
We only got ten minutes
for lunch.
- Maybe next time.
- Oh, yeah, okay, cool.
Real cool, all right,
well, give me a call sometime.
We'll go to the track and hang.
- Great.
- Take it easy, guys.
- All righty.
- Brian, let's go.
Hello! Wake up!
go, go, go, go, go.
Go, go, go, go, go.
- Okay, where is it?
- Shhh!
- Nobody's home.
- Shhh!
She has a nosy neighbor
who calls the cops
At the drop of a hat.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Look, this is how
this is gonna go down.
Brian, you take
the front quadrant,
And johnny, you take
the back quadrants.
Why are you assigning quadrants?
It's my girlfriend's house.
- I was in the military.
I know how to assign quadrants
In a spy mission situation.
Now, look, Brian.
- You take the kitchen quadrant.
I'm gonna take
the bedroom quadrant.
Brian, you take
the living room quadrant.
All right?
Break.
- That's only three quadrants.
- What?
- Quadrants means four areas.
You only assigned three.
The prefix "quad" means "four."
- Okay, forget the quadrants.
- It hails from the Latin...
forget the quadrants, okay?
It'll be just an area,
all right?
Let's get
the three goddamned areas.
- I've made a decision!
- Shhh!
I'm not whispering
- Keep your goddamn voice down.
Brian, you take
the living room quadrant
And the kitchen quadrant.
This woman is a psychopath.
- You happy now?
- All right.
- Are happy now?
- Okay, okay.
- Oh, my god.
- What?
- Theresa's computer.
- Oh, don't do it, john.
- Do you think it's wrong?
Yes. Plus, I believe
that it's in my quadrant.
Look, no good
can come from this.
- How bad could it be?
Didn't we answer that question
earlier today?
Look, I know
what Theresa's into.
And it's not horses
having sex, okay?
It's real estate and guns.
And shoes.
And I guarantee that's exactly
what we're about to see.
"The rock"?
That must be a glitch.
"the rock" again?
- Hit history.
"'The rock' abs.
'The rock' arms.
'The rock' ass"?
"'The rock' eyes?"
- Who's Dwayne Johnson?
Also the rock.
His given name.
He debuted as the rock in 1996,
When he became
a professional wrestler.
- Oh, my god.
- Wow.
That porn horse
and the rock
Have the same exact
muscular definition.
Look at the ripples
on that back.
- Okay, enough.
This is an invasion
of Theresa's privacy.
"Penelope Cruz lips,"
"Penelope Cruz eyes."
- Oh.
- "Penelope Cruz bikini"?
"Pregnant Penelope Cruz
bikini"?
You use
your girlfriend's computer
To look at celebrity chicks?
- N...
Pregnant celebrity chicks?
I'm so disappointed in you.
Not me.
It's Theresa.
Penelope Cruz is
her lesbian free ticket.
It's the one girl
she'd ever have sex with
If she ever had the chance.
Me, being a gracious boyfriend,
said she could do it.
- Who's your free ticket?
- Jennifer Aniston.
- Oh, you moron.
- What? Why am I a moron?
Because if you pick
Penelope Cruz too,
And the day happens to come
where you both meet her
And you hit it off,
you get to have a threesome!
- Even I know that.
- Oh, I didn't...
- Put 'em up, motherfu...
- Oh!
- Holy sh..., You guys!
I almost wasted y'all!
- Jesus. Billy!
Oh, my god.
Why...Why don't...
Why don't you have
any clothes on?
Why is your penis so big?
- It's not that big.
I say this as a black man
and a gay dude,
Your cock is enormous.
Really?
Thanks, man.
My brothers are bigger.
I'm the smallest one
in my family.
I would love to visit
their house for thanksgiving.
- God, your balls look tiny.
- How...How do you buy pants?
I don't know who's bigger,
him or the porn horse.
- He is, by a nose.
What are you doing here,
Billy?
- I was sleeping upstairs.
- Naked?
Yeah. It's hard for me to find
the right size underwear.
My house is close
to the station,
No underwear necessary.
- Stop hitting on him.
- He's not hitting on me.
- Oh, I'm hitting on you hard.
Did you sleep
with my girlfriend?
- Um...i don't think so.
- Holy sh...!
- Oh, my god.
He's covering it up
and I can still see it.
99th percentile,
that's how big that is.
99th percentile.
- Wow.
Um, I think I'm gonna
put some pants on.
- No!
- No!
- I think that's a good idea.
- Okay.
What are you guys
doing here?
- What is he doing here?
His apartment's
being fumigated,
And he's working nights
covering for a guy,
So I said he could stay here.
What are you doing here?
Well, I just
came over to...
To, uh, show the guys
the new coffee table.
There it is, boys.
What'd I tell you?
Oh, wow!
Is this oak?
- Did you get this used?
Yeah, yeah.
It's nice.
- Why is my computer open?
The truth is that iPad...
My iPad that I lent you...
It's, uh...
It's got porn on it.
- I know.
- You looked at my iPad?
- Two seconds after you left.
Wanted to know if you were
telling the truth
About giving up porn,
which of course you weren't.
You looked at my computer?
- Yeah, I did.
And I'm sorry about that.
But just what the hell
is the deal with all the...
- Hey!
- Rock pictures, huh?
- Hey!
- Can you tell me that?
First of all,
it's none of your business.
Second of all...
I like the rock.
He's handsome.
He's agile.
And he's funny.
And he can do that thing
with his eyebrows.
- Yes, he can.
I love when he does
the eyebrows.
The rock is huge in Europe.
They love him there.
What's with Penelope Cruz?
She's my lesbian
free ticket, okay?
- Who's his free ticket?
- Jennifer Aniston. Pfft.
- Idiot!
If it was Penelope Cruz,
then...
Yeah, I got it now, stats.
Thanks.
Since we're talking
about browser history...
Hmm.
What is with all of the Rachel
McAdams topless searches
On your iPad, huh?
"Rachel McAdams
topless Bermuda,"
"Rachel McAdams
topless Italy."
"Rachel McAdams
topless Macau"?
- She travels a lot.
- Oh.
It's embarrassing,
but the truth is...
I don't have
any topless pictures of you,
And she kind of
reminds me of you.
There you go.
I wanted
a topless picture of you,
And that was as close
as I could get.
That's actually
kind of sweet.
You never gave him
any topless photos?
In Europe,
everyone goes topless.
- Shut up, Maeve.
You spent one semester
studying in Scotland.
You think I look
like Rachel McAdams?
- Yeah. I do.
A lot.
So much so that I've seen
all of her movies...
Except the vow.
- Oh, my god.
What are you saving it for?
Theresa,
i can't find my pants.
- Dang it, Billy.
- Yes!
- Is that my iPad?
Is yours the one
with big booby car wash on it?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
You know what?
It's yours.
- Really?
- Mm-Hmm.
- Thanks, man.
- Chicago north...
- No!
- Ambulance 14.
- Oh, thank god.
Life alert,
16 east grove.
- That's our quadrant.
We'd love to stay, but...
- Ambulance 14 responding.
One of you bitches
is taking a picture.
- Guys.
Which room was it?
- 2-0-0-8.
- Emergency services!
Why is the phone
still ringing?
911 dispatch.
Nobody's answering.
Hello?
Emergency services!
Hello?
All right, stand back.
Hello?
oh, my god!
Oh, that's it.
Oh, that's it.
All: oh!
- Oh! Oh, my god!
Get outta my house!
- What the hell is this?
- Call the police.
- No! Nope, nope.
Everything's okay.
We're paramedics.
We got an emergency call.
This is the EMT's.
It's a false alarm.
It looks like the life alert
was set off, um...
Accidentally.
- Oh, this is so embarrassing.
- Shh, okay.
- It's okay, it's okay.
Um, just next time you engage
in athletic activities,
Um, take off the necklace.
- Please.
- Thank you.
- Please.
- We're just gonna...
- Please.
Okay, can we just...
- Yeah.
- That was so...
- Beautiful.
right?
Two humans in love,
the way it was meant to be.
That...
That was poetry.
It was the California raisins
making a sex tape.
- Not to me.
I was moved.
Horse...gone.
See ya, guys.
I don't think I'm ever gonna
get that man's saggy scrotum
Outta my head.
- Or her ass.
It was so, uh, wrinkled.
I mean,
i thought it was her ass.
Maybe it was...
Oy.
Giant baby, giant baby,
giant baby.
giant baby, giant baby.
Giant baby...
- Text from Maeve.
Ooh, please be
what I think it might be.
Jackpot!
- What?
Goodbye, saggy scrotum.
Hello, king dong.
She sent me a photo
of Billy's dick.
She sent me a photo
of Billy dick.
- Ah.
I'm a free man.
I'ma save this bitch
right now.
Well, what am i
supposed to do?
giant baby.
It's a text from Theresa.
- What is it?
- Nothing.
as for Jay Cutler's knee,
The MRI came back clear.
Good news for the bears,
As he's expected
to play this Sunday
Against Drew Brees
and the red-Hot saints.
Cutler says he feels good.
The knee's not giving him
any problems...
- Any word on Jay Cutler?
- Pump says he's a go.
Guess I should be glad
they don't have porn
On gas pump TV.
Or we'd be here all afternoon.
Let me tell you something
about me, honey.
The day that we
as a civilization
Get to the point
Where we're broadcasting
pornography
From televisions
attached to gas pumps
Is the day I start working
at a gas station.
How much porn
are you watching these days?
You mean, since we've been
on break?
- Yeah.
- Why do you ask?
Well, when my brother Donal
and his girlfriend broke up,
He was watching it all the time.
Did I tell you
that I walked in
On him and his laptop
in my parents' bathroom
Last Christmas?
Twice.
Donal's a moron.
I'm not Donal.
And you know what?
And this is the truth here.
- Yeah?
- Kinda stopped watching it.
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.
I lost all interest
in other girls. Completely.
And porn. First time
it's ever happened to me.
- I am so flattered.
- Babe, this is huge.
Most guys,
They get out
of a long-Term relationship,
Their porn addiction
goes through the roof.
Me, I went the other way.
- You had an addiction?
- What?
- You used the word "addiction."
- Yeah. About Donal. Not me.
I stopped. Cold turkey.
Uh, that didn't come out right.
- No, it didn't.
- What about you, smarty pants?
- What about me?
You watch any porn?
Come on.
You know what porn is to me.
It's real estate,
shoes, and guns.
If I could find a magazine
With glossy pictures
of all three...
That'd really get me off.
What?
- I'm thinkin'.
- What about?
- Starting a magazine.
- Oh, my god.
Sucker-punched
by the clock
Buckled to the knees
Checker cab curled
around the side of a tree
Into the growl of the city
with a deafening cry
Again I ride
- Ah, sh...
- What?
My sister Maeve's
stupid book club
Is tomorrow night.
We're reading gone girl,
and I haven't finished it yet.
And then Billy sat on my iPad,
Which had my copy
of gone girl on it.
Well, here you go,
use mine.
- Really?
- Sure.
- Thanks.
- No problem.
Password is "ditka."
- 'Course it is.
looks great.
- Thanks.
- Whole place looks great.
- Yeah. New place, new start.
Oh, my god, I wanted you
to have my spare key.
- Oh, okay.
- For emergencies.
I don't want you to
just walk in here unannounced.
- I won't.
- 'Cause you never know.
Never know what?
- Who might be here?
- Who are you expecting?
Technically, we are both
still free to date.
Hey, I gave up porn for you,
remember?
I'm late. Meeting
the girls for lunch.
You gotta go.
Just for the record,
You're not allowed
to just drop by my place
Unannounced either.
Oh, in case I walk in
on you and ditka?
Oh, my god,
if that ever happens,
Just start taking tons
of pictures, okay?
- Go.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- How's he doin'?
- He's conscious.
- Blood sugar's at 30.
- Give him one ep of d-50.
- You're gonna be all right.
They got
the good doctors on today.
I-I need you
to do something for me.
- Sure, bro. Call your wife?
- No, no, no, no.
No, I need you to go back
to my apartment,
Clear the history
on my computer,
And then call my wife.
- Seriously?
- Please! Please!
Yeah, okay.
Okay.
So what do you guys think it is?
Like some surprise
birthday thing for the wife?
Or...Oh, my god.
You think he's having an affair?
- Yeah, with online porn.
- Really?
- It's always about porn, bro.
Why else would a guy
that was on his deathbed
Ask three strangers
to go to his house
And erase his computer history?
Or maybe he's a terrorist.
Oh, my god!
What if it's some kind
of terrorist plot?
Maybe we should call the FBI.
Or the NSA.
You know what
the NSA considers
The first significant sign
that you're part
Of a terrorist plot?
If you don't have porn
on your computer.
Well, then they're coming
after me, I guess.
- You don't watch it?
Not any more, no.
I stopped.
I found that free online porn
Was becoming a cancer
in this country.
The young men in my generation,
in particular,
Were beginning to get
unrealistic expectations
About both women's bodies
and sexual activity.
I think it may have scarred
an entire generation of men.
So I decided to stop.
And begin the healing process.
- Holy sh...
Exactly how much time
did you spend beating off?
- Um...
Oh, there it is.
- Let's just hit clear history,
Erase his crap,
and get the hell out of here.
- Even though he's a PC guy.
- My father's a PC guy, so...
I can handle this.
Just, uh, two clicks,
And easy peasy.
Here we go.
- Yeah, see? Told you.
Okay, okay,
you guys were right.
I think we all know
where this is going.
Now here comes the...
all: oh!
What is that?
- It's loud!
- It's so loud!
Turn it off!
- End it!
- I don't blame you.
I blame society.
And that damn internet.
Hold on.
I got somethin'
might help you out.
You think he has
a special pill
Or a potion or something?
- Brian, he's not oz.
- He's very wise.
I think I may have
to give up porn.
Now, everybody,
just let's not panic, okay?
It was a horse.
Having an orgasm.
It's not the end of the world.
Aah, maybe it is the end
of the world.
I can't stop seeing it.
Did anyone else notice
how blue the horse's eyes were?
- What?
- Just trying to help.
Whenever
i find myself engulfed
In bothersome thoughts,
I sit down and have me
some pure heaven on earth.
Go ahead, take a bite.
I saw a lot of bad sh...
In Vietnam.
But it's what I expected.
War. And all its ugly parts.
But one time,
on this job...
I done what you fools did.
I stuck my nose in some place
where it didn't belong.
See, everybody's got a secret.
So when you go
in someone's home on a call,
You wanna do
what you're supposed to do.
Save their ass,
and get 'em in the rig.
How's the candy?
- Delicious.
Anyway, so one time
I'm saving this woman
Called in a heart attack.
She's laying
on her apartment floor,
And once I get her
on the stretcher,
I thought I heard a noise
coming from her closet.
She's like, "no, it's okay.
It's just my cat."
But it didn't sound
like no cat.
It sounded big.
Real big.
My curiosity got the best of me.
And I opened up that door.
And what I saw
Erased all four
of those horrible years
I served in Vietnam.
Was it a mokave king
puma cat?
They're
the largest domestic breed.
- No.
- It was a 350-Pound man.
Naked.
In a diaper.
Not in a diaper 'cause he had
intestinal issues.
In a diaper
because he wanted to be a baby.
Again!
Still thinking about horses?
All: no.
I'm thinking about
the world's largest case
Of diaper rash.
- See? It worked.
The key to this business
is minding your business.
And keeping your minds
out of the gutter.
'Cause what you put in your head
Will stay in your head,
mousse.
- Why are you busting on me?
How many times
i catch you
Looking at that filth
on your phone, boy?
- Yeah, man, what's the point?
- It's like porn on a thimble.
Do you ever clear the history
on that thing?
- Why?
In case somebody takes
a look at it.
I don't watch filth
on that thing anymore.
I mostly use my iPad.
Why would you want
to watch porn on an iPad?
Well, first of all,
the resolution is amazing.
And second, it's bigger...
Oh, my god!
Theresa has my iPad!
- So? She knows you watch porn.
- I told her I stopped.
Why would you do that?
That's idiotic.
- How long have you known me?
Good point. Surprised
it didn't happen sooner.
How much time we lookin' at?
She's having lunch
with the girls and her sister.
So we have a bit of a window.
- Which sister?
- Maeve.
Oh, that's
a pretty big window.
Let's go.
- Okay.
Did the giant baby
have a giant rattle?
- Brian!
- Let's go!
- I don't get the whole
Mayonnaise-On-French-Fry
thing.
Mm-Mm. No.
- It's European.
They do it all over Europe.
it doesn't make you look classy.
It's mayonnaise.
- It's so chic.
- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.
You know what else
Europeans do that's creepy?
They drink soda warm.
- I love warm soda.
- Since when?
Since forever.
- Are you okay there, stats?
I can't find a bra
that fits me right.
You guys are pretty well set up.
How'd you do that?
Lift yourself up, and then
put yourself in the cup.
Size up, size down,
it's not that difficult.
not squashed. Lift it.
- You know what?
We will all take you shopping
after lunch.
- They love boobs in Europe.
- Awesome.
Whoo-Hoo! Huh?
- It's 12:30.
Let's get the hell in there,
get this thing,
And get out.
I'm just so thankful
for cash telling us that story.
Really cleared my head.
How big do you think
that diaper was?
- Hey, your shoe's untied.
- Whup? Shoelace situation.
hey, guys.
How's it going?
Hey, jimmy.
You got transferred to mounted.
No, no, requested it,
you know?
Chicks dig horses.
So I hear.
You wouldn't believe the pussy
a horse can pull.
- Oh, yeah, I would.
You gotta see the cock
on this thing.
It's like
four Louisville sluggers
All duct-Taped together.
You guys got a couple minutes?
'Cause usually if you just
stand still long enough,
It'll just get a random hard on.
Actually, we're
in a bit of a rush.
We only got ten minutes
for lunch.
- Maybe next time.
- Oh, yeah, okay, cool.
Real cool, all right,
well, give me a call sometime.
We'll go to the track and hang.
- Great.
- Take it easy, guys.
- All righty.
- Brian, let's go.
Hello! Wake up!
go, go, go, go, go.
Go, go, go, go, go.
- Okay, where is it?
- Shhh!
- Nobody's home.
- Shhh!
She has a nosy neighbor
who calls the cops
At the drop of a hat.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Look, this is how
this is gonna go down.
Brian, you take
the front quadrant,
And johnny, you take
the back quadrants.
Why are you assigning quadrants?
It's my girlfriend's house.
- I was in the military.
I know how to assign quadrants
In a spy mission situation.
Now, look, Brian.
- You take the kitchen quadrant.
I'm gonna take
the bedroom quadrant.
Brian, you take
the living room quadrant.
All right?
Break.
- That's only three quadrants.
- What?
- Quadrants means four areas.
You only assigned three.
The prefix "quad" means "four."
- Okay, forget the quadrants.
- It hails from the Latin...
forget the quadrants, okay?
It'll be just an area,
all right?
Let's get
the three goddamned areas.
- I've made a decision!
- Shhh!
I'm not whispering
- Keep your goddamn voice down.
Brian, you take
the living room quadrant
And the kitchen quadrant.
This woman is a psychopath.
- You happy now?
- All right.
- Are happy now?
- Okay, okay.
- Oh, my god.
- What?
- Theresa's computer.
- Oh, don't do it, john.
- Do you think it's wrong?
Yes. Plus, I believe
that it's in my quadrant.
Look, no good
can come from this.
- How bad could it be?
Didn't we answer that question
earlier today?
Look, I know
what Theresa's into.
And it's not horses
having sex, okay?
It's real estate and guns.
And shoes.
And I guarantee that's exactly
what we're about to see.
"The rock"?
That must be a glitch.
"the rock" again?
- Hit history.
"'The rock' abs.
'The rock' arms.
'The rock' ass"?
"'The rock' eyes?"
- Who's Dwayne Johnson?
Also the rock.
His given name.
He debuted as the rock in 1996,
When he became
a professional wrestler.
- Oh, my god.
- Wow.
That porn horse
and the rock
Have the same exact
muscular definition.
Look at the ripples
on that back.
- Okay, enough.
This is an invasion
of Theresa's privacy.
"Penelope Cruz lips,"
"Penelope Cruz eyes."
- Oh.
- "Penelope Cruz bikini"?
"Pregnant Penelope Cruz
bikini"?
You use
your girlfriend's computer
To look at celebrity chicks?
- N...
Pregnant celebrity chicks?
I'm so disappointed in you.
Not me.
It's Theresa.
Penelope Cruz is
her lesbian free ticket.
It's the one girl
she'd ever have sex with
If she ever had the chance.
Me, being a gracious boyfriend,
said she could do it.
- Who's your free ticket?
- Jennifer Aniston.
- Oh, you moron.
- What? Why am I a moron?
Because if you pick
Penelope Cruz too,
And the day happens to come
where you both meet her
And you hit it off,
you get to have a threesome!
- Even I know that.
- Oh, I didn't...
- Put 'em up, motherfu...
- Oh!
- Holy sh..., You guys!
I almost wasted y'all!
- Jesus. Billy!
Oh, my god.
Why...Why don't...
Why don't you have
any clothes on?
Why is your penis so big?
- It's not that big.
I say this as a black man
and a gay dude,
Your cock is enormous.
Really?
Thanks, man.
My brothers are bigger.
I'm the smallest one
in my family.
I would love to visit
their house for thanksgiving.
- God, your balls look tiny.
- How...How do you buy pants?
I don't know who's bigger,
him or the porn horse.
- He is, by a nose.
What are you doing here,
Billy?
- I was sleeping upstairs.
- Naked?
Yeah. It's hard for me to find
the right size underwear.
My house is close
to the station,
No underwear necessary.
- Stop hitting on him.
- He's not hitting on me.
- Oh, I'm hitting on you hard.
Did you sleep
with my girlfriend?
- Um...i don't think so.
- Holy sh...!
- Oh, my god.
He's covering it up
and I can still see it.
99th percentile,
that's how big that is.
99th percentile.
- Wow.
Um, I think I'm gonna
put some pants on.
- No!
- No!
- I think that's a good idea.
- Okay.
What are you guys
doing here?
- What is he doing here?
His apartment's
being fumigated,
And he's working nights
covering for a guy,
So I said he could stay here.
What are you doing here?
Well, I just
came over to...
To, uh, show the guys
the new coffee table.
There it is, boys.
What'd I tell you?
Oh, wow!
Is this oak?
- Did you get this used?
Yeah, yeah.
It's nice.
- Why is my computer open?
The truth is that iPad...
My iPad that I lent you...
It's, uh...
It's got porn on it.
- I know.
- You looked at my iPad?
- Two seconds after you left.
Wanted to know if you were
telling the truth
About giving up porn,
which of course you weren't.
You looked at my computer?
- Yeah, I did.
And I'm sorry about that.
But just what the hell
is the deal with all the...
- Hey!
- Rock pictures, huh?
- Hey!
- Can you tell me that?
First of all,
it's none of your business.
Second of all...
I like the rock.
He's handsome.
He's agile.
And he's funny.
And he can do that thing
with his eyebrows.
- Yes, he can.
I love when he does
the eyebrows.
The rock is huge in Europe.
They love him there.
What's with Penelope Cruz?
She's my lesbian
free ticket, okay?
- Who's his free ticket?
- Jennifer Aniston. Pfft.
- Idiot!
If it was Penelope Cruz,
then...
Yeah, I got it now, stats.
Thanks.
Since we're talking
about browser history...
Hmm.
What is with all of the Rachel
McAdams topless searches
On your iPad, huh?
"Rachel McAdams
topless Bermuda,"
"Rachel McAdams
topless Italy."
"Rachel McAdams
topless Macau"?
- She travels a lot.
- Oh.
It's embarrassing,
but the truth is...
I don't have
any topless pictures of you,
And she kind of
reminds me of you.
There you go.
I wanted
a topless picture of you,
And that was as close
as I could get.
That's actually
kind of sweet.
You never gave him
any topless photos?
In Europe,
everyone goes topless.
- Shut up, Maeve.
You spent one semester
studying in Scotland.
You think I look
like Rachel McAdams?
- Yeah. I do.
A lot.
So much so that I've seen
all of her movies...
Except the vow.
- Oh, my god.
What are you saving it for?
Theresa,
i can't find my pants.
- Dang it, Billy.
- Yes!
- Is that my iPad?
Is yours the one
with big booby car wash on it?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
You know what?
It's yours.
- Really?
- Mm-Hmm.
- Thanks, man.
- Chicago north...
- No!
- Ambulance 14.
- Oh, thank god.
Life alert,
16 east grove.
- That's our quadrant.
We'd love to stay, but...
- Ambulance 14 responding.
One of you bitches
is taking a picture.
- Guys.
Which room was it?
- 2-0-0-8.
- Emergency services!
Why is the phone
still ringing?
911 dispatch.
Nobody's answering.
Hello?
Emergency services!
Hello?
All right, stand back.
Hello?
oh, my god!
Oh, that's it.
Oh, that's it.
All: oh!
- Oh! Oh, my god!
Get outta my house!
- What the hell is this?
- Call the police.
- No! Nope, nope.
Everything's okay.
We're paramedics.
We got an emergency call.
This is the EMT's.
It's a false alarm.
It looks like the life alert
was set off, um...
Accidentally.
- Oh, this is so embarrassing.
- Shh, okay.
- It's okay, it's okay.
Um, just next time you engage
in athletic activities,
Um, take off the necklace.
- Please.
- Thank you.
- Please.
- We're just gonna...
- Please.
Okay, can we just...
- Yeah.
- That was so...
- Beautiful.
right?
Two humans in love,
the way it was meant to be.
That...
That was poetry.
It was the California raisins
making a sex tape.
- Not to me.
I was moved.
Horse...gone.
See ya, guys.
I don't think I'm ever gonna
get that man's saggy scrotum
Outta my head.
- Or her ass.
It was so, uh, wrinkled.
I mean,
i thought it was her ass.
Maybe it was...
Oy.
Giant baby, giant baby,
giant baby.
giant baby, giant baby.
Giant baby...
- Text from Maeve.
Ooh, please be
what I think it might be.
Jackpot!
- What?
Goodbye, saggy scrotum.
Hello, king dong.
She sent me a photo
of Billy's dick.
She sent me a photo
of Billy dick.
- Ah.
I'm a free man.
I'ma save this bitch
right now.
Well, what am i
supposed to do?
giant baby.
It's a text from Theresa.
- What is it?
- Nothing.