Sirens (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Cry - full transcript

'Pivotal moments. We all have them.

'Good and bad shit with the power
to change everything that follows.

SIREN, TYRES SCREECH

'Mine? Mine was called Marvin.'

Stupid shits were messing around.
I warned them.

What's your name, son?

Stuart.

You're stuck there pretty good.

I haven't cried.

You must be very brave.

It doesn't hurt. I can't feel it.



Do you know why that is?

Is it because I'm dead?

No. You're not dead, Stuart.

But if you don't feel pain,
it can only mean one thing.

Shall I tell you what that is?

You have superpowers.

SUPERHERO FANFARE

To the rescue!

Will you cut that out!

I'm a superhero. I have to practise.

For the 400th time
you're not a superhero.

Yeah, I am!

Marvin, the ambulance man,
said I was.

Oh, Marvin!



He only said that to make you
feel better. It's his job.

If I'm not a superhero,
why didn't I feel the pain?

Because of a little thing
called endorphins.

Your brain received a shock
and defended itself

by sending out protein molecules
to bind to your nervous system.

We're all capable of that.

Superhero.

(LAUGHS)

Superhero...

'Thanks for that, Dad!

'The moment you realise you aren't
a fucking superhero after all?

'That you're internally wired
the same as every other idiot
in the universe? Yeah.

'I'd call that a pivotal moment.'

Do you think I'd look good
with a mouey?

♪ LITTLE BARRIE: Surf Hell

What sort of party? A Maxine party.
It's her birthday.

She asked me to fill up
the numbers for her.

She doesn't normally bother,
but now she has a boyfriend.

Any excuse
to show off the Barbarian.

Rachid! A word.

Oh, no.

See you out there.

Yeah.

Is this about the graffiti
in the staffroom?

No.

Your book's been signed.

Your supervisors have deemed you
safe enough to be out there,

laying hands
on the good folk of Yorkshire.

You're shitting me?

I'd start preparing for your
technicians exam if I were you.

Fucking yes!

They'll let you know about
your placement in a few days.

In the meantime, you are clear
to ride as a two man crew.

I'd like a permanent place here.

That's not down to me.

Who is it down to?

Some other poor cow you can
write about on the staffroom wall.

Wahey! Ah, look at you,
all grown up.

Room for a three-way?

How did you know,
you sneaky bastards?

I'm going to miss you losers. Might
have a major problem here, guys.

I'm going to cry
in front of all these lot.

It's basal tears.
Exhaust fumes, dry air.

Your eyes need moisture, that's all.

So it's not the pussy variety then?

No, no, you're all good.

Excuse me, erm...
I'm looking for Stuart?

That's me.

Oh, thought it might be.

I mean you look like...

I'm sorry. Erm, I'm Yvonne.

Yvonne Bayldon?

That's funny. That's my name.
Apart from Yvonne.

I used to be Yvonne Cripps
and then I got married.
I married a man called Bayldon.

That's a smart move
with a name like Cripps.

Dennis Bayldon.

I-I-I married Dennis Bayldon.

Shit.

Look, this is probably
out of the blue, but...

I'm afraid I've got
some very bad news for you.

That wasn't the bad news?

Well, your father died
two weeks ago.

You all right, shorty?

Who's your lady friend?

Yeah, I'm fine...
This is my, erm...

What? Fuck, sorry what are you?

Stepmother.

Yeah. We just... Met.

My dad died, apparently.

Definitely.

If you say so, I guess...
it's a sure thing.

KNOCK ON DOOR

It's on the latch.

I'm so sorry, Stuart.
I came as soon as I got the message.

Are you OK?

Think so.

How did he...?

Cancer.

Bowel. Two weeks ago, in hospital.

What? And no-one called you before?

Well, I guess he tried
a few months back but...

well, you know how that went.

Stupid bastard
knew he was close to the end.

How do you feel?

That's the funny thing, that.
I dunno know how I feel yet.

Maybe you're in shock.

I see people in shock every day.

I've been staring at him for an hour
and that's not a man in shock.

Were they close?

No. His dad left years ago.

I don't think
they were even in touch.

Suppose that makes it better.

You think?

You're being cruised. Two o'clock.

Have been
for the last 20 minutes.

And it's ten o'clock.

Going to... take a piece of him?

I dunno yet.

Wondering whether or not
it's appropriate, considering
the sort of day it's been.

I always make a rule
of having sex after bad news.

And good news.

And bank holidays.

And... pay day.

Is there an occasion or public
holiday that doesn't end in sex?

Pancake day.

It's the lemons, man.
Give me chronic wind.

Oh, you're a sensitive lover.

I'm a fucking animal, mate.

Right.

See you, mate.

God, I can't believe he's alive!

You mean dead?

Yeah. No. I mean... hewasdead.
15 years ago. To me.

But now he suddenly feels
alive again.

I think I'm lost...

All this time,
he's been going to the cinema,

getting married, living in Leeds
and paying bills online

and I never thought about him doing
any of that sort of shit until now.

Not since she rocked up and made him
suddenly feel real again.

When's the funeral?

Friday.

Tell me you're going.

I don't know if I can grieve
unless he's dead.

Which he is, now,
but also sort of isn't?

If I'm going to the funeral, I have
to process this shit all over again.

Which means bringing him
fully back to life...

and then killing him.

How exactly do you plan to do that?

Simple.

I just have to find out
everything he's been up to
since I last saw him.

Yeah?

Hello. I'm...

I told you to never
answer the door...

Oh. Hello again.

Sorry. Is this a bad time?

No. No. Erm...

Stuart?

This is Stuart.

Well, fuck a duck.

It's come as a surprise to all of us.

I mean, he only mentioned you
for the first time a month ago.

Right... He always was forgetful.

MOBILE BEEPS

Stuart, put that away!

Sorry.

Oh! Right. That could happen a lot.

Mario or Sonic?

Erm, both. At the Olympics.

In my day, it was one or the other.

Kids today... spoilt.

Cheers.

Did I tell you that
the funeral's on Friday?

You did. Yeah.

St Margaret's. Two o'clock.

You will be there, won't you?

Planning to. I need to know...

what he's been doing.
How he's been living.

He's been here. With us.
Being a... dad and a... husband.

I mean, you look around,
there's traces of him everywhere.

It looks very familiar.

Tell me that dog is not called
Benjy!

It's a bitch.

Delilah.

We had one just like her.
Got kicked by the postman.

Bled to death on the doorstep.
I was still at school.

Erm. Look, Stuart, big Stuart,
erm, I don't mean to be rude

but I need to go to town
to arrange Friday.

I need to drop Stuart off
at my sister's, so...

I'll sit with him, if you like.

I'm 12.

Please.

I've always wondered what it would
be like to have a little brother.

All right, mate?

Oh, hi.

We must've fallen asleep.

I reckon.

Oh, shit.

I've got to get to work.
My shift starts in half an hour.

Erm... It's kind of morning.

I don't have anywhere
to be in a hurry.

Do you mind if I grab
a shower after you?

Sure. Er...
You just let yourself out, then?

Yeah, no problem.

North, South, East and West.

Means you've got a condiment
beside each food group.

Why doesn't everyone else do that?

Because everyone else is stupid.

So... what was he like with you?
As a dad?

Oh. So, we can talk about this
already? Yeah, course we can.

Because we met... what, an hour ago?

We're blood.

What does that even mean?
Why do people even say that?

Character traits
aren't passed down through blood.

If they were,
people with blood transfusions

would experience
personality changes.

And science has proved
that doesn't happen.

You sound just like him.

What sort of a dad was he to you,
then?

I don't remember much.
I was ten when he left.

I remember he sat me down,
said goodbye

and explained stuff about
how he couldn't stay.

Then he packed the car and left.

Never looked back,
never gave a shit.

You've got something on your...

Are they tears?

You're genuinely upset, aren't you?

Of course I am. My dad's dead.
Ourdad's dead.

Does that mean anything to you?

No. That's the problem.

Did you ever see Dad cry?

Never. He told me that some people
are born without tear ducts.

He told me that, too.
It's bullshit. You'd go blind.

Your cornea needs regular flushing.

Are you a doctor?

Sort of. Only without the
qualifications and the rich parents.

Budge up.

What are you doing?

Working.

Hey, what you doing?

You should be in number four
with fat Carl.

Time to fly the nest, little bird.
Better get used to being without us.

What about the bit in Bambi
when the mother gets shot?

You must cry at that.

I'm talking about emotional tears.
The ones that come all the way up
from your gut.

You never cry those?

In my job I see some
horrible things.

Every now and then,
it's genuinely grim.

So, you have to find a way
of blocking that stuff out.

Do you think I'm carrying that over
into my personal life?

Well. I think you've quite obviously
put up some walls.

Abandonment? Rejection?
Frequent exposure to trauma?

Tick, tick, tick.

Had any... intimacy issues?

At the last count? I had a few.

Feel like a sociopath?

Yes. But without the urge to
strangle women with nylon tights.

If you're ever going to cry again,
you need to break down those walls.

How? How can I do that?

Give me a break. I'm just a kid.

Eight and a half.

Nine.

HORN HONKS

Oh, you'd like that one, Stu.

All right?

Racist.

Oh, come on, man. How many shits
does one man take in a day?

I always wanted a little brother.
Did you ever...?

I never really thought about it.

You're not too much of a dick,
so it's not the worst news.

Listen, do you want to
do something tomorrow?

Like what?

We could hang out on our bikes.

Do you have a bike?

No. Got an ambulance, though.
I'll pick you up at 9.00.

Stuart?

I'll try and help you. You know,
with y... with your issues.

Thanks, bro.

That's what families are for.

(RADIO)
'Baby with febrile seizure. Emergency response.'

Here we go.

'Category A.'

Good shit was it?

Yeah.

Oh. Hiya.

You're still here. And I appear
to have gained a slow cooker.

You had some diced beef
on the sell-by date,

and I thought I'd put it to some use.
It needs another hour.

If you want me to go I can come back
and collect the pot later.

No, it's OK.
You might as well stay.

Fuck it. Yeah. It's just dinner.

Stuart... it's nearly midnight.

Oh, shit. Is he...? Are you...?

Yeah. Was just about to.

Sorry, I have to break the habit.
It's just, I had to tell someone.

I have had the most incredible day.
I have a brother.

A real, live squidgy thing
that I can play with and bully.

Well, that was unexpected.

For the first time in ages,
I can connect with something,
with someone.

There's another human being
out there who gets me.

I'm really happy for you, Stuart.

Max? It's nearly time.

I think he can cure me.

Hey, birthday girl. Who's that?

Er, neighbour. Lost cat.

Right. Eight minutes to go.
I think we should start sex
three minutes before midnight,

so I can tell everybody at work
that I had sex with a 27-year-old

and a 28-year-old,
all at the same time.

What self-respecting girlfriend
could refuse?

He's not just homeless then?

He doesn't smell homeless.

Kick him out.
If you need back up, take Rachid.

I can handle it.

But you're not handling it.

What's the rush?

Last night we just watched telly,
ate some food,

went to bed at different times.
Didn't even fuck.

Oh, shit...

Yep. You're living together.

He's coming. Shift up, make room.

Sure Woodvine's all right with this?

She's fine about it.

You didn't tell her, did you?

Fuck no.

Hey.

Hey, mini Stuart. I'm Ashley.

You look like the bloke
from Stranger Danger posters.

He's a charming little scamp,
isn't he?

What are you packing today?
Ah, it's the classic combo.

Yes, jam sandwiches
and a side order of Monster Munch.

That's my l...!

Life lesson number one.
Bigger boys will steal from you.

No-one steals
from my little brother.

He's pissed himself.

Yep. Not a pretty sight, is it?

Funny, though. Look,
it's running down the street.

So got a little cut on the head,
have we?

Something fell on me.

The pavement, perhaps?

What you going to do with him?

Same as usual. Haul him
into the back of the ambulance,

let A&E stitch him up, and send him
out for the same thing next week.

Not really a solution,
though, is it?

He's drunk in the gutter
at 11am on a Thursday.

The solution phase
has been and gone.

Sorry, but I thought your job
was to help people.

He's right.

Since when?

All we do is paper over the cracks.

When do we show
humanity and kindness?

Just for that,
you can carry the pissy end.

No. This man needs help.
Proper help.

Way to go, big bro.

Cheers, thanks very much.
There you go.

Ah, cheers, mate.

Are you sure you're related?

Mm?

I used to be like that.

Cared about stuff,
wanted to make a difference.

But then my dad left
and I built the walls.

What walls?

The walls inside me that I built
because my dad didn't give a shit.

The defence system I've put up
that stops me caring.

Are you in therapy?

That kid there is
all I've got left of my dad.

What's the melon for?

For people to eat.

What's the matter with melon?

I told some mates to come.
I didn't know it was a melon party.
They're just coming to drink.

Well, your mates can drink beer
and my mates can...

Nibble.

Tell me you brought the wine boxes.

No, I was too embarrassed.
Just doubled up on beer instead.

Nah, the rest is in the car.

How many of your mates are coming,
exactly?

Couple. It's no big deal.

According to the internet,
there's nine other Stuart Bayldons.

What if he was trying to create
an army of clones?

Like the Cybermen.

Cybermen called Stuart?

Why else would he do that? Why would
he want to try and recreate me?

Maybe cos he missed you?

Or he wanted to do it again
but without the mistakes.

Which makes my entire life nothing
but a dummy run for you.

A flask is a good birthday present,
isn't it?

Who's it for?

My friend Maxine.

Play it safe. Go with perfume.

Do you know why Egyptians
invented perfume?

To mask natural pheromones.

So even if a woman wasn't in the
mood, you could go ahead and do it.

Now you sound like him.

Shit. I do, don't I?

Hey, Ash. How do I set this thing
to series record?

What time'd your mum
say she'd be back?

Just said "late".

OK. One rule. No alcohol, no sex.

Isn't that two?

Not when you're in your twenties.

Here. Give me your arm.

What's this, some kind of
blood brothers thing?

Something like that.

Wahey! I'm down with the kids.

LOUD CHATTER

Have you seen the birthday girl?

Kitchen.

Anyway, I didn't...

Happy birthday.

Aww. Thank you.

This must be...

My little brother. Stuart, Maxine.

Very good to meet you.

Go ahead. Open it.

Perfume. Wow!
I were expecting gloves.

Actually I had a little bit of...

He spent all afternoon
choosing it for you.

Smell his wrist
if you don't believe me.

It's like a whore house down there.

Babe, babe, have we got
any more melons left?

Er... I can cut some more.

Oh, no. I need a whole one
to hollow it out and make a bong!

Excuse me, I just need to, er...

Not in there, where is it, come on!
Oh, top one!

Right. Bagsy me first!

(LADS)
Wahey!

Her boyfriend?

Hm.
Been going out a couple of weeks.

It won't last.

I bet he's using the candles.
I told him not to, but I bet he does.

Buying new candles is such
a pain in the arse.

Whoa. What are you talking about,
candles? Who's burning your candles?

Him indoors. The permanent feature.

What? I've been gone one day and you
already got yourself gay married?

DOORBELL RINGS

Fucking hell.

Oh, shit.
I hope he's not the marrying kind.

Police, fire, or ambulance?

Shh.

You like her, don't you?

Maxine? Yeah, she's a mate.

It's more than that,
though, isn't it?

You light that bit there.

She's with someone. She's happy.

She's with a man who's doing a very
good impersonation of a bell end.

She can do better.
No. That's not fair.

She can do different.

Different how?

She needs a thinker...
browser... A soul mate.

I know I've only known you
for a couple of days,

but you just described yourself.

I need some legal advice.

Shoot.

What do I do if I have a man
in my house who won't leave?

A tenant?

One-night stand who
can't take the hint.

You've got yourself a nester.

A what?

They come back with you one time,

act all calm and not weird, cook
a meal, maybe move a towel hook.

Before you know it, you're living
together and don't remember
having that discussion.

Are they dangerous?

Not usually. They're just guys
who like to be settled

and can sniff out
a certain... vulnerability.

I'm not fucking vulnerable.

Oh, course you're not. I mean,
he must have... misread the signals.

There he is.

My favourite teenage joy rider.

All grown up and bona fide.

Leave my boner out of it.

Is that how people see me?

Vulnerable, lonely?

Truth?

Yeah. No, actually.

Fuck, just say it.

I think people look at you
and they think to themselves,
"He needs someone".

Come on. You qualified.
You should be celebrating.

Celebrating what? I got a shit-paid
job and an easy-iron uniform.

And now they want to send me
to the other side of Yorkshire.

At least when you commit a crime
you get to choose where you do it.

You're going to
miss them, aren't you?

You tell them that
and I'll hire people to kill you.

You know I know people
like that, right?

Mum texted me. She's home.

All right, bruv.
I'll take you back. Here you go.

Aren't you going to
say good night to her?

Nah. She's busy.
I'll call her tomorrow.

What if tomorrow doesn't come?

If Dad's death has taught
us anything, it's that time

is a precious commodity,
not to be wasted.

Dad wasn't perfect.

No, but he had the balls
to follow his heart.

That may have meant
he abandoned you,

but it was his life to live,

and his mistake to make.

What's it going to be, Stuart?

Are you going to have
the courage of a Bayldon male

or just stand by, watching
another opportunity float past?

What if she rejects me?

What if she doesn't?

Good night.

Bye.

Do that again and I'll use
the truncheon on you.

Hello. I'm Stuart.

Are you high?

I like hanging out
and doing nothing.

I like films with subtitles
cos I'm too lazy to listen.

The world is a stupid place.

It's overcrowded, but I don't
want to change it, not any more.

I want to be part of it.

I want to do it all with you.

Why are you saying this?

It's what I feel.

And Icanfeel. Idofeel.

Stuart, I'm with Craig.

You don't want to be with Craig.

Says who?

Me.

It's taken me a long time
to see it, but now I do.

I'm right for you.

Max, come on. It's karaoke time.

I have to go.

How did it go?

Yeah, yeah, it went really well.

She's not dumping
the fireman, is she?

No.

I don't get it. That stuff
always works in the films.

If you don't mind, I'm going
to stop listening to you.

Night-night, loser.

I sorted out some
of your dad's stuff.

It's just junk really, but...

Well, I thought it would help
keep him in your memory.

Thanks.

Will we see you at
the funeral tomorrow?

Why do you think he
never told you about me?

I just... I think he
wanted to start afresh.

But he went back and did it
all the same. Even down to the dog.

We're creatures of habit.

You're right.

We are.

'We go to the same places,
meet the same people

'and we feel what we feel.

'We can't change who we are.

'We get to a point
where it's just too late.

'We're made
and we're stuck with it.'

Bollocks.

(SNORES)

Hi.

This has been a fun
little adventure...

but I'm going to have
to call time on it.

I want you to leave.

Are you sure that's what you want?

I know from the outside my life looks
pretty pathetic and empty, lonely,

but looks can be deceiving.

I'm actually the least
fucked-up person I know.

Well, you must have some seriously
fucked-up friends, then.

Oh, yeah.

Don't you have somewhere
else to be? At a funeral?

I can't do it.

If I can't cry, I can't go.

How do you know until
you get there, mate?

It's not in me.

I'm not trying to prove anything.

Some animals don't cry.
In fact, hardly any of them do.

It's only stupid humans
that shed emotional tears.

And elephants.

Fuck off do elephants cry!

When one of their
herd dies, they travel,

hundreds of miles to go
and look at the corpse.

They huddle round it
and shed real tears.

And elephants can push over trees,
so it's not like they're pussies.

They're also shit-scared of mice.

I think you're thinking
of cartoon elephants.

'Four-year-old male, unresponsive.'

Why don't we leave this
one to someone else?

Death's a way of life.

SIRENS WAIL

Did someone call 999?

Unresponsive four-year-old male.

Quickly!

Where is he?

He's right in front of you.

Ash...

Is he going to be all right?

No, he's fucking dead.

Do we have to perform
the whole parrot sketch
for you to realise that?

What's your name, sir?

Douglas.

What's the name of your
feathery little friend here?

Christopher.

Douglas, can you do
something important for me?

Can you fetch me a tissue
so we can cover Christopher up,

give him some dignity?

Good idea.

What the fuck is up with you?

He's about a 120.
You know the drill.

I know.

Sorry.

Odd start to the day.
That David moved out.

Did he actually ever move in?

Well, for me, that was
a long-term relationship.

He had habits and weird shit
he did the same, day after day.

I don't need that.

Mate, can you do me a favour
and distract Douglas for a while?

There's something I need to do.

I'm going to attempt
some... keepy-uppies.

Maybe you want to say a few words?

I don't know what
I'll do without him.

You'll miss the company?

And the eggs.

Eggs?

Every morning I come downstairs

and there's an egg
on the floor of the cage.

Righty-o.

Mint?

How was that?

I've got a choice.

I can remember him before he went,
or I can remember him after.

Can't do both, because they cancel
each other out. He just becomes...

invisible.

So what's it going to be?

Can you make a phone call for me?

Ambulance, please.

St Margaret's crematorium.

There's a bloke in the back row
choking on something.

I think it's a mint imperial.

Look, he's turning blue.

Please, send someonequickly!

(RADIO)
Male. St Margaret's crematorium.

Anything doing?

Just missed a job
at the crematorium.

Stuart and Ashley and picked it up.

Crematorium?

Yeah, some malechoking
on a mint imperial.

(LAUGHS)
Let's go!

I told you.
It's already been taken.

I think they're gonna need back-up.

PHONE RINGS

Right, I don't know what that

shit were you pulled last night,
but I didn't appreciate it.

I'm with Craig.

Now, he may not be perfect
but he chose me

and that goes a long way
into making me happy.

Can I stop you and mention
you're on speaker?

Hi, Max.

Shit.

OK. I'm in a hurry and haven't
time to explain.

Have you started work yet?

No, I'm just about to. Why?

Right. There's a suit, a shirt
and a tie in my wardrobe.

I need it delivered to St Margaret's
crematorium, ASAP.

I'll meet you there.

Back it up. No. Come on! Move it!

What the fuck! Come on!
It's an ambulance back it up!

Forget it. There are
higher forces at play here.

We'll get you there, mate!

Oh, yeah?

How? Fuck.

Ash! Over here!

It's Rachid.

Come on!

Come on. Let's go!

You're a dickhead!

Ain't there spare keys?

Quick, we ain't got time.

You gotta get out.
Fat Carl, you gotta get out!

Get him out!

Come on, mate.

Nice one, Rachid.

Fucking mint imperials?

Guys, I fucking love you two.

SIREN BLARES

'Dearly beloved,

'We are gathered here today
to reflect on the life
of Dennis Bayldon...'

I should be delivering
fucking pizzas, mate!

Are you sure you wanna do this?

I have to.

I'm ready to.

How do I look?

A fucking mess.

That'll do.

Can I help you?

Bayldon?
I'm here for Dennis Bayldon.

I'm afraid they've been and gone.

You missed them by ten minutes.

Right. That makes sense.

Were you close to
the late Mr Bayldon?

Yeah.

You know something? I think I was.

When did you get this?

This morning.

And you weren't going to tell us?

What is it?

His placement.

Come on.
Where are they sending you?

Nowhere.

He got a place at West Riding.

No-one gets rid
of the Rachid that easily.

You're referring to
yourself in the third person now?

Seems appropriate.

That was quick.

I missed it. They burnt the fucker
and left ten minutes ago.

I'm sorry, mate.

Yeah, condolences, and all that.

What do you want to do now?

I need to walk.

I don't know where
the fuck I'm going.

Can you give me a bunk up?

Sure.

This is proper weird shit.

No. This is grief.

I was going to say exhibitionism,
but, OK,

let's go with grief.

(STIFLED SOBS)

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd, MemoryOnSmells