Single by 30 (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Too Fast, Too Thirteous - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

♪ Hey ♪
[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

♪ Don't write Yourself off yet ♪

♪ It's only in your head you ♪
JOANNA: Hi.

Sorry I'm late.
Oh, hey.

It's okay. Gave me time

to beat my Snake score.

Anyways, I'm already used

to being flaked on.

Mm. Peter. Tiffany's whole group

got caught bringing alcohol into the dance.



They got kicked out, so you should be happy

she bailed on you.
Really?

Yeah.
That's okay, I didn't wanna go

with her anyways.
Well why didn't you ask

someone else?
There's no one else to ask.

Nobody? In the whole school?

I mean, there was another girl,

but I wasn't sure how she felt.

♪ Alright It just takes some time ♪

[SIGHS] Whatever.

Someone else asked her anyway.

Well then don't wait so long next time.

You know?

You should have had a backup.



I don't wanna make someone a backup.

I would have been your backup.

[SCOFFS]
[LAUGHS]

Hey, do you wanna go to the after party at Wes'?

I heard he just got a GameCube.

Nah, I don't think so. Applications are due soon.

Peter, this is senior year. You need to start enjoying it more.

Stop worrying.
How can I not worry?

You know, college is so important.

You know, it affects everything.

Whatever's gonna happen is gonna happen, you know.

You might as well just go with the flow.

Oh, okay, sure.

I'll be 30, jobless, single,

living on my parent's couch and muttering to myself

"I'm just, going with the flow."
[LAUGHS]

Okay, so maybe you need a backup plan.

Did you learn nothing from the dance, you know?

Unless you wanna be single when you're 30.

Oh, hell no.

Thirty is so old. Do you think you'll be married by then?

I don't know. That's like forever from now, you know?

And anyway, what's the point?

My parents, they got divorced in their 30s, so.

Yeah, but doesn't it freak you out that you might be alone?

Mm, just go with the flow, you know?

Or have a backup plan.

Hey, you're learning, ha-ha-ha.

Oh, do you wanna be my backup then?

Yeah, okay.

Ha, ha... Wait. What?

Yeah, why not, you know?

But only if you were my backup too.

By then, we'll probably be totally happy with other people,

but, if we're not, you've made some good points.

I did?
Yeah. Like, if you had known

that I would have been your backup to the dance, wouldn't it

have been less scary to ask that girl you wanted to go with?

Yeah.

Okay, okay. If we're still single by 30 then...

let's get married.

Cool.

Oh. Shake on it?

[SLURPING]
[PHONE RINGS]

Hey.

Okay yeah, I'll be right out.

Hey, Wes is here. Are you sure you don't wanna go?

Yeah.
Well, I'll see you Monday, then.

Later, future husband.

Peace out, wifey.

Joanna!

Have a good time.

I will. Bye.

♪ Everything, everything Will be just fine ♪

♪ Everything, everything Will be just fine ♪

[PHONE CHIMES]

♪ Everything, everything Will be alright ♪

[PHONE CHIMES]

[SIGHS]

[♪♪♪]

PETER: Morning, Grace.

GRACE: Isn't it your birthday or something?

I normally rely on Facebook, but I deactivated it after

Mom invited me to her Bible study group.

In fact, it is. What did you get me?

An employee with a solid work ethic? 'Cause, I need one.

Chill. I processed the Goldman order like hours ago.

Well, what are you working on now, then?

Oh, just a new track.
[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS]

Is this what you're using your Biochem degree for?

No. I'm gonna use that in a year when I go to med school.

Now is the time to brag about applying to medical school.

Do you realize how lucky you are?

I didn't get a gap year. The summer after I graduated,

Mom and Dad made me work here,

and I had to have an internship.

Stop talking and get back to work.

Happy birthday!

Thanks, Ma.

Happy birthday, Peter. I've posted on your wall.

Oh...nice. Thanks, Dad.

So, what are you gonna do for the big three-oh?

Mm, Mark and I gonna go check out this new taco truck on 10th.

Tacos? Slow down, isn't that like a 40th birthday,

this is as good as it gets type of thing?

Robin wish you a happy birthday?

No.
Why not?

Maybe it's the whole we're not together anymore thing?

You should call her.

And say what? Hey, uh, this is your ex-boyfriend calling.

Wish me a happy birthday.

[SCOFFS] Then call someone else.

A man of your age should be settling down by now.

Mm-hmm.
It's time to hurry up

and give us grandbabies.

Yeah, Peter, you're kind of bringing

great shame on this family.

[♪♪♪]

[BIRDS WHISTLING]

Nope.

[INDISTINCT TALKING]

Lisa?

JoJo!

Hi!

Oh, it's so good to see you.

Oh, you too.
Wow.

I can't believe you're here, like standing here,

it's so weird. Or is this one of those,

I have a layover before my Singapore flight visits?

[LAUGHS] No, I'm a, I'm back back for now.

Okay, well I want all the deets.
Okay.

[♪♪♪]

Okay, so I read about this place on a blog

and they're supposed to have the best tacos.

What is that, fish and grapes? Is this how we're

going out for your birthday?
Yeah, man, it's chill.

I like chill.
And speaking of chill,

what do you think of this app?

It's called Dryncht. [INHALES SHARPLY]

Apparently it tells you if you're wearing too much cologne.

No, that sounds terrible. How does that even work?

I don't know, I'm just the money guy.

Did Robin wish you happy birthday?

No.

Why does everyone keep asking me that?

It's almost impossible not to wish someone a happy birthday.

You know, I mean Facebook puts it on your phone.

I mean it's gotta be a big deal, the year an ex-girlfriend

doesn't hit you up anymore to wish you a happy birthday.

I mean, that means she's totally over you.

Look, I wasn't expecting to hear from her.

Although it would have been nice.

Yeah well, Robin's not nice.
Hey.

I can say that, but you can't.
Yeah, I mean,

can you imagine if you were still with her?

I mean, she would throw the most amazing birthday party

for Robin. And you would have been okay with it.

Because...you never say what you want.

That's not true, man.

Hey, he just cut you. Are you gonna let him cut you?

No.
Hey buddy,

you cut my friend. It's his birthday, move your ass.

Put my foot in it.

Hey, how you doing?
What's up?

Fish and grapes, please. Birthday boy.
Two. Two.

LISA: So everything I know about you is from the internet,

I'm totally obsessed. You partied on a yacht?

Mm, yeah, that was from a few years ago in Thailand.

Then you had that short hair, don't care phase in May.

And then...nothing.

Yeah, I'm off social media now.

Is it because of a guy?
Yeah, sort of.

Was it the hot guy at the rooftop party

with the Chinese lanterns and the pug

that everybody was posing with?

Yeah, sorry, I went down a rabbit hole.

Wow, Swimfan. Uh, yeah, that was Carl.

Carl wanted more, and I wasn't ready, so I left.

And long story short, he started seeing a close friend of mine.

Shut up.
They're getting married.

What?
Just got the save the date.

Steal your man and then invite you to the wedding.

That is so dramatic.

Uh, no, it wasn't like that.

Allison was like my little sister in college

and she was very upfront about the whole thing.

Still I would feel really weird if I were you.

Obviously it's not what I had planned on happening,

but neither was being almost 30 and moving back to my hometown,

single, so uh, yeah, it's nothing I can't handle.

Might as well throw in my ex marrying my college best friend.

Wow. You've never made me feel so happy about being married.

My sister and I have to

binge watch The Bachelor and you're like

living the real thing.

I don't take that as a compliment.

How is Chloe, by the way?

Oh, she's 26 and a pain in my ass

and she's been living with me.

Hey, are you looking for a roommate?

MARK: So where we going tonight, birthday boy?

Nowhere.

Are you kidding me? Come on, like...

"It's my birthday" is the best pick-up line

and tonight, it's actually true.

Look, I really don't want to make a big deal out of it.

Let me see your phone.

I'm gonna download this app.

[TAPPING]

Ah, they put salsa verde in this.

Dude, what's wrong with being in your 30s?

Your 30s are awesome. If anything, your 20s sucked.

You have no money, no direction,

you have no idea what you're doing.

It's like, adult puberty.

Yeah. I just feel like

I haven't accomplished anything I thought I was supposed to.

You know by the time my dad was 30, he was married,

had two kids and escaped a Communist regime.

Mm-hmm.

My biggest decision today will be if I

send back this burrito with salsa verde.

I may be 30, but I feel like a teenager.

Boom. Updated your status, you're hosting a birthday

party tonight, Sawhorse.
Dude, not cool. What...

I don't care. It's your birthday.

Turn up!

WOMAN: Ah, yes!

My skin looks so good in this lighting.

Wow, oh my gosh, I mean, I love it.

I'm so down.
Um, maybe we're doing this

a little quickly, I still have furniture to buy--

I saw a garage sale on Facebook and there's Craigslist,

so I'm on it.
Well, you know maybe

we should get to know each other a little bit better first.

Totally, yeah, here's my synop.

I'm 25--
Twenty-six.

Shut up.
Okay.

Uh, SWF, ADD, ESFP on the MBTI. Um, what else? Oh!

I sleep-eat, but I also awake-eat,

and girls are threatened by me,

because I physically and verbally threaten them,

and I have very little patience,

and I hate kids, and early mornings.

Uh, what do you do?

I'm a teacher.
Of...children?

Unfortunately.

[LAUGHS]

Sorry, it says that your old bestie Peter Ma is having

a "2 Fast, 2 Thirteous Birthday Extravaganza."

Why do I get notified for this stuff? Makes no sense.

Wow. Peter Ma. We haven't spoken in years.

Oh, it's at Sawhorse. I hate that bar.

I love that bar.

Of course you do.
Who's Peter?

Okay, he cute.

Eh, maybe it'd be fun to go surprise him.

Will you come with me?
That's gonna be a hard pass.

Ryan and I are watching a nature documentary

and then having scheduled sex.
Scheduled sex?

Yep. That's what married people do.

That's so unromantic.
Relax, we have romance time.

Scheduled on Thursdays from seven to nine.

Have fun you guys, okay? Cause I know I will.

We're gonna heat it up, then cool it down.

I don't know what it is.

Goodbye.
Okay.

Bye Lis.

Roommate bonding.
[NERVOUS LAUGH]

Wonder how long until our cycles sync up.

[♪♪♪]

Happy birthday to you--
Look, I'll have one drink

and then I'm leaving.
No, no, no. Dude. You're gonna

stay, relax, it's okay.
No, no, no, seriously.

I wanna catch the last quarter of the Laker game

and besides, it was a last minute post,

I'm sure no one's gonna show up.

Wh-what are you talking about? Where's your buddy Jeff?

Hey Jeff.

I don't even know who Jeff is.

No, please don't, no, no. Please don't.

Joanna?

Peter!

Oh my god.

Wow, happy 30th.

Wow! C-come on, come here, come here.

W-what are you doing here?

I mean obviously I'm here for a

"2 Fast, 2 Thirteous Birthday Extravaganza."

I told you it was a great title, you're welcome.

Oh hey, uh, this is Mark, we went to college together,

and Joanna, known since I was a kid.

[LAUGHS]

Nice to meet you.
Hi, good to meet you too.

Joanna! Yo!
Okay, let me go check

on my friend, I'll be right back.

Okay.
Huh.

And you thought a bunch of randos were just gonna show up.

She's not a rando.

She was my best friend in high school and...

you know, we just lost touch over the years,

but, I guess it's pretty random.
Oh, best friend, huh?

Did you guys..? [SQUEAKING NOISES]

No, no, no. It was not like that between us.

Oh, so she friend zoned you?

No!

I mean, I did have a crush on her,

but I don't think she felt the same way.

See, that's why I'm not friends with any ladies.

[LAUGHS] Wow, it's insane that she's here.

Wait, what?

I doubt she remembers, but in high school,

we made a pact that if we weren't married

by the time we're 30, we'd marry each other.

Wow. That is the most stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Were you guys stoned and watching Dawson's Creek?

No, it was like sort of a joke, you know.

She was my backup.

How about you back your ass up into that bar

and go ask her out.

[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

I'm gonna go for it.

Hell yeah, and I'm gonna be your wingman.

[BUZZES]

Oh my god, you're so pretty. Never stand next to me.

Hey!
Hi.

Sup, ladies.

Hey.

How you doing, I'm Mark.

Uh, this is Chloe, my roommate.

Um, you remember Lisa, right? This is her sister.

Yes, Lisa. She used to con me into giving her my

Calculus homework before class, right?

That's Lisa.
Ah, Calculus.

That's-- He's so smart.

Where is everyone else though?

Oh, I-I deleted the post

it was all Mark's idea.

No, but he came up with it, he's a genius.

You're silly, you're so silly.
[LAUGHS]

Um, I actually just wanted something chill.

Curl up with a milkshake from Sunny's?

Yes, yes.
Yeah, man, I miss Sunny's.

No, I-I-I haven't been there in like years.

I can't believe you remembered that.

Sunny's, you know.

Oh, uh, I'm sorry we didn't order this.

CHLOE: I did.

To Peter and his waning youth.

To the birthday boy.
Cheers.

PETER: So where you living now?
Um--

Oh, my god, is this Mark?

Oh my god.
He just popped up on happn.

Shirtless and holding a baby tiger.

Yeah, I was out in the safari after selling my hit app.

Creator of "What Do You Meme?", that's your app?

A meme generator?

Swipe left.

What? No, it's swipe left for being judgmental.

Swipe left for John Mayer quotes.

Swipe left for fathers that clearly

didn't take care of their daughters.

Swipe left for holding up two bottles of Dom by your face

in a club? No.

Swipe left for someone who's clearly jealous

that they haven't had bottle service in Vegas.

Swipe left on Axe body spray

and that tacky watch and tweezed eyebrows.

Swipe left on someone who doesn't appreciate hygiene,

bling, and eyebrows that stay fleet.

Okay, swipe left, delete app,

throw away phone, become mountain woman!

Let's go, Joanna.
Oh! Okay.

Okay, catch you later.

Wanna go out sometime?

What the hell happened?

That girl Chloe is ridiculous.
No, no, no.

We were making progress, where was my wingman?

Look, I-I can't wing when there's this annoying

sparrow picking at my feathers. All right, we'll just..

[SIGHS] We'll take a break.

Okay? W-w-we'll talk to someone else.

Let's talk to these girls.
I don't want to talk to girls.

I want to talk to Joanna.
Hey ladies! Would you like it

if my friend here bought you guys a drink?

Yes, Mark, that's exactly what I wanted to do.

Awesome.

Finally, oh my god.

Ha-ha, I would like a vodka cran,

but just like a splash of cran.

And Courtney's gonna get a white wine spritzer.

And Jacey...

[SNAPS] Jacey!

Jacey.

Give her a water, she's cut off for the night.

[♪♪♪]

Okay, that was intense.

Was it? No, no, I was flirting.

With Mark?

Absolutely not, no, with that guy over there.

We were making eye contact the whole time.

Wow.
Uh, he's so cute, he has friends

go talk to them.
Uh, no, I-I wanna go

you know, catch up with Peter.

Really? Okay.
Yeah.

The spritzer, yes that's--
You're amazing.

[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]

You know, actually, let's-let's grab drinks.

Yeah, let's grab some drinks.

No, no, no, I don't live with my parents

I work with my parents.

Oh yeah, I love my parents too.

Hey, just so you know, Asha, the baby tiger and I,

still keep in touch. Okay, I send a dollar

every month to keep that little bad boy fed.

It's not just some ploy.

Okay.

I was more opposed to your waxed chest.

That was just a phase.

That I'm still going through.

I don't hate it.

I-I-I could say anything and it wouldn't matter.

I don't want to be here right now.

There's a girl from high school that I want to ask out.

You're right, Jacey is a bitch. Ha-ha-ha.

You're so funny.

Hey.

Oh, hi.
Sorry I lost you.

Whoa, I didn't know this bar was here.

Yeah, uh, kind of needed a break from upstairs.

Lot of sketchy guys up there.

[LAUGHS]
Well no, it like, really sucks

to be a girl at a bar.

Okay wait, no, no, no. I-I just bought three girls drinks

and probably paid off one of their student loans.

[LAUGHS]
It sucks for guys at bars.

Can you imagine, like, asking someone out at a bar, though?

Worst place ever.

Totally agree.

So...

Did you have a good birthday tonight?

Yeah.

Although I would have preferred something more low-key.

But it was great seeing you,

I just wish we got to catch up more.

I know, me too.

Well, hey, um, is Sunny's still open?

Wanna go?
Yes, please. Let's leave

this place. Um, should we go find Mark and Chloe, though?

Yes, yes, uh...

[TAPPING]

Oh, Mark said that they went to another bar,

but didn't say which one.
They?

Yeah.
What? Okay.

Actually, Chloe downloaded Find My Friends on my phone

before she left.

People use that?
Chloe does.

Oh, they're actually not too far,

do you wanna just meet them there?

Please. Let's get out of here.

Oh I don't know if I can do another bar.

Yeah I know that sounds rough.

All right, let's go, go, go!

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

So, Joanna Taylor not on social media.

That's a bold move. I mean it gets people thinking.

Who is she avoiding?

I swear it's really not that interesting.

All right, I hear you.

And you were dating a guy?

Yeah, Carl, uh...

He's a little older than me, ready to get married, so...

Things got complicated.

Oh. I'm sorry.

It's totally fine, you know. Uh, what about you?

I saw you were dating some girl for a long time.

Robin.

But that long time ended a few months ago.

Sorry.

It's okay.

[SIGHS] But hey, you excited to be single again?

Cause I know I am terrified.

Especially after seeing all of that tonight.

Oh my god, it's so hard to get back out there after a breakup.

[SIGHS] Well I know what you mean.

You know, at 30, starting over again feels like so much work.

You know? I just wanna skip the dating

and get straight to the relationship part.

You think you're starting over, like, imagine moving back

to your hometown. I don't even really know anyone.

The few people I do know are married.

Well that's why everyone needs a backup.

[LAUGHS]

What?

Just...do you remember our pact?

If we're both still single by 30...

Yeah, so you know, I'm 30 in five months.

[LAUGHS]

I think we're actually pretty close.

Really?
Yeah.

I think it's over here.

Yeah, I don't think there's a bar around here.

It says she's right here.

Hm.

Wait, shh! Listen, listen.

[MUFFLED VOICES]
Wait is that?

Wait, no, is that, is that?

Yeah, yeah,
No. Ew. Ew!

Okay, let's go.
Ew! Oh my gosh.

Are they actually in the--
Yes, yes they are.

I think, actually, I know they were.

[SIGHS]

Hey.

I'm on if you're still on.

For what?

The pact.

How many drinks have you had?
[LAUGHS]

You know hear me out okay?

Dating is scary at this age because

when you're starting a new relationship,

you have to get to know someone all over again, all right?

Well I know you. You're Peter Ma, you're...

allergic to nuts and you love 90s hip-hop.

Okay, a lot has changed in 12 years.

I graduated to aughts hip-hop.

Look.

You didn't see yourself single at 30,

I didn't see myself single at 30.

Let's not look at this as we're gonna get

married in five months, okay? Let's look at this as

a motivator to get us out there, meeting people

with the comfort of knowing we can fall back on a friendship.

Yeah, I can kind of follow the logic there.

But, I just turned 30, so...

on your 30th, I propose?

How 'bout this? We help each other date.

Okay? That's what this will be about.

First and foremost, if we're both still single by the time

I turn 30, then...

Let's go for it. We'll be each other's backups.

Yeah, we'll go for it.

Unless you think it's too crazy.

No. I mean, yeah.

I-i-it is kind of crazy, yeah.

Which is why we should set some ground rules.

Hey, don't overthink it.

How can I not overthink it, I mean we're talking about

marriage here.
No, we're talking about

teaming up.

Fine, okay.

But just one rule.

Okay, what's that?

That we're always honest with each other.

Of course, why wouldn't we be?

[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Hey.

What are you guys-- What a coincidence.

[LAUGHS]

I smell like cheap cologne.

Six hundred dollars isn't cheap.

What? You paid $600 to smell like this?

[MOUTHING WORDS]
[SIGHS]

You guys wanna get pizza or something?

I'm starving suddenly.

Yeah.
You guys must be really hungry.

[♪♪♪]

[KNOCKING]

Hey.
Hi.

Nice place.

Uh yeah, if you can see it under the mess.

So uh, last night was crazy.

Oh, yeah. Mark seems to be in love.

Chloe has not mentioned it once.

Oh, boy.

I'm sure it'll be fine.

Have you told Mark about the pact?

Yeah. He thinks we're insane.

Yeah, Chloe's words were "cray cray".

Oh, for them to think that?
[LAUGHS]

I'm unfazed. So...

Uh, how do you wanna kick things off?

Well it's the first day of our pact, so...

We should start fresh.

Clean slate.

How about we delete our ex's numbers from our phones?

[♪♪♪]

All right.

All right.

Ready?

Three...two...one.

[IMITATES EXPLOSION]

Wow. That felt awesome.

Should have done that a long time ago.

Feeling good?

[CLICK]

Yeah.

[♪♪♪]